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I don’t even understand why I still get boners even from phone calls nudes I get from women and still have sex with them but still feel like shit and have all these Hocd thoughts what the fuck is this I don’t even know what this means

i've switched obsessions a lot and my primary one right now is worry about faking OCD and i feel so alone because for everyone else it seems like it's only a side effect rather than the main theme of obsession. i hit myself in response to thoughts of not having it bad enough i feel so bad if i dont do it and the way i do it feels fake because it's not serious i've never sent myself to the hospital it's pathetic and not even a real problem and am making it all up. i have sudden thoughts of other people's mental suffering and it reminds me that i actually have no real problems and am just being insulting other people's experiences by thinking i could ever even say i've struggled with mental illness. i keep debating this with myself in my head making points and counterpoints and comparisons and researching. every single media i've consumed for a couple months now is chosen exclusively on the fact that i can use it as a measure to compare my own pain and understand if its real or not. i can at least safely say that i think about mental illness 24/7. if im not actively researching it im watching something that reminds me of it, reading comments on it to check what other people think, i think about it while i do every single other thing in my life i think about it while i talk to people while i eat while i write while im talking about something else. i clearly never had it that bad because i never had any extreme behaviors if i was neglected it's because i wasn't suffering for real, i even failed at being a shut in, i dont injure myself enough i dont have enough panic attacks my compulsions didnt impair my functioning enough i even failed at dropping out of college despite struggling at it and hating it, i hate every single thing that ive ever done every activity every achievement every good grade every successful interaction because they're a reminded that i've always faked and still do and that i never had it bad enough to justify calling myself mentally ill or to even ever say that i struggle at all even when i had different obsessions. those thoughts of other people's suffering are so painful and remind me that everything ive been through is normal and i should have never even gone to therapy, the fact that i decided to go is even more proof that clearly i didnt have it bad enough or i wouldnt have been able to do that. it hurt so bad when i get these thoughts it physically hurts and ifeel even more fake now because this is the reason why i feel bad and i feel guilty because for wishing that my harm obsessions would come back so i wouldnt feel so fake. all of this sounds so dramatic but the truth is that i didnt even cry so im exaggerating this as well. i even failed at starving myself for a day. today i took a notebook and divided a page in obsessions and compulsions and listed every single one ive had since childhood until now so maybe id feel better but the reassurance was so weak and only lasted until now when the thought of another acquaintance who's been forced to drop out because of anxiety and was institutionalized popped in my head again and the whole train of thought started again. im in therapy and supposed to give ACT a try but im terrified that if this goes away and i truly feel better then i'll have completely faked my suffering. feeling good is a trigger for thoughts about faking. if i have a good day it's proof that im not suffering or i wouldnt have any good days.

My hocd is taking over my life. It’s making me even question if I truly love my boyfriend because I absolutely feel nothing because I am so fucking depressed. I want this so badly to go away ? I know I love him. I just feel nothing. This hocd feels so real. I keep having visions of my life in the future being with a girl and it feels so weird. I don’t absolutely hate it but I don’t want it. But then I picture my life with my bf and it’s hard to see it. It’s hard to see anything. It’s hard to feel anything. I’m so lost and so scared ?

Tried erp the last two days and honestly it’s not working for me I don’t think I can do it... I tried to turn ocd exposures into a game and it’s not going well I started with 100 “anxiety points”. For every compulsion I do, i add points to the problem that is the anxiety For every compulsion I resist, I make ocd better by removing points. Sound idea I think.. except I’m shit at this! I ended on 145 fucking points today ☹️ did 10 resistance and 35 compulsions. I’m BROKEN . I am convinced more than ever that I have given myself an std from my eye to my vagina. I had conjunctivitis ages ago and now a lump in my eye. I refused to wash my hands earlier after touching my eye and now I’m scared to death I have infected myself with the toilet paper I touched and went for a wee at 10 am. 5 hours later I’m panicking beyond words that I have infected myself, my partner is gonna think I cheated and fucking leave me I will end my shit if i have ruined it all when I could have just washed My FU KING HANDS

How's everyone's OCD today? I had to ask for reassurance 3 times already?

I am so fucking upset that my OCD makes me feel like I want to defend/sympathize anyone that get's accused of being a pedophile even when there's blatant proof that theyre a creepy piece of shit. I don't want to feel like I have to, I don't wanna feel like I have even a smidgen of sympathy or apologism in me. If someone does creepy pedophile shit and then tries to defend themselves by saying "oh that never happened, all of that was just edgy jokes, it triggers this weird feeling in me when I see all the people rightfully telling that weirdo that "it doesnt seem like jokes and it seems more like you're a fucking freak" and it's a type of feeling that I could only describe as involuntarily morphing in their position and feeling like all the people calling the pedo a pedo will one day do the same for me. It's almost like I wanna defend myself and that feeling kind of projects onto them and it makes me feel like absolute shit because I would NEVERRRRRRRR defend someone like that. I don't even know if this is part of my OCD, this goddamn disorder makes me feel skeptical and doubtful of literally everything and it makes me feel like I'm corroding into a piece of shit human being with nonexistent morals and wacko priorities. Does anyone else feel this? It scares me so much, I would never ever ever defend people like that or try to be on their side or try to justify anything but my brain keeps telling me that I secretly want to or that I secretly am and that what comes out of my mouth is all fabricated shit that I don't really believe in.

Question for women!!! Has anyone ever actually pleasured themselves and finished to fantasizing about a man? I’m curious to know. Because in my Experience I kinda always had porn to watch but it was usually lesbian porn. Other than that, I have fantasized about men romantically and sexually but never while pleasuring myself. I always had porn. Please let me know.

Okay, I’m in a genuine bit of distress. I don’t know what to do anymore. This psychosis fear is getting worse and worse as time goes on. I can’t tell between my own thoughts or inner voices or if it’s voices I’m hearing. I’ll be like oh I know it’s me, and then my brain or a voice (that sounds like mine) goes “we aren’t you” I don’t know if this is my mind playing tricks on me or if I’m genuinely developing psychosis. I just can’t do this anymore.

Can we have all ppl with hocd and gay/lesbian ppl here let’s talks about some stuff and not judge

anyone else on here with hocd who used to research hocd as a compulsion? cause that’s what i did and i’m really regretting it now. also sort of regretting that i told my mom because she was like “oh i’ve never heard of this until now and everything online about it is pretty new so i don’t know about this. you can make anything an ocd thing” and she told me that most things i was scared of were normal. like when i notice another woman with a nice body, she said is completely normal. but at the end of talking to her about it i said thank you and i told her i was scared to tell her because i was afraid she’d say “you’re just gay accept it” and she said “no i wouldn’t tell you that, that’s for you to figure out on your own” and now i keep thinking omg what if i’m gay and idk it yet but she does. and every time she brings something up about LGBTQ, my ocd makes me think she’s trying to get me to come out because she thinks i’m bi because i told her about my hocd. she’s very accepting but also doesn’t really like the whole labels thing. so part of me is like no she doesn’t think that and the other part of me is like she does think that and she’s trying to get you to come out because of it because she wants to to trust her and be comfortable with her and she thinks all of this because she doesn’t really understand hocd and to be quite honest she doesn’t really think it’s a real thing and that freaks me out irl.

Family members don’t understand OCD. They’re getting fed up with me. I’ve only been open about my ocd for a few months. And am regretting it. I keep pretending I’m better even though I’m not cause it’s easier.

I am afraid to be around children because of the horrendous things I think of while being near them. I do not want to hurt children. My intrusive thoughts about pedophilia and abuse attack me. I only have 1 memory of me being sexually abused when I was around 5. A cousin, who was about 12 did it to me and my other female cousin. I do not have another memory of it happening, so I do not know if it did. Sometimes I feel ashamed to even mention it because I know others have been abused far often than I. Like it doesn’t count. I don’t know... anyway, after I realized this memory was not just another sick intrusive thought, that it actually happened, I have been weary of being near children. I believe because I have been through sexual abuse as a child that I too am capable of committing that crime.

Basically my good friend came out as bi. We were talking about how our parents would be if we said we had a boyfriend and she was like they wouldn’t be happy if she got a boyfriend let alone a girlfriend. I want to be supportive of her but when she said it I got wave anxiety and I feel like she might of thought I wasn’t supportive. So when ever I see her I feel like I have to be over happy like smiling and waving just so she doesn’t think I judge her which I don’t. Before hocd I just thought of being bi, gay, lesbian as normal as being straight even though my parents were homophobic and now I believe in my heart that but my brain has other things to say about it. So I don’t know what to do because I feel like I’m going back as this happened before when this other girl was bi, I would get such anxiety sitting next to her.

How are you all? How is your day/ night going?Wanna share anything?

anyone else ever think back to something they innocently did at a very young age and your ocd tells you it’s proof of whatever your worry or obsession is

I was doing so good for a little bit and now I started to feel so hopeless and idk why, I’m so tired of this and don’t know if it will ever get better. I’m so scared and have anxiety all the time

Are people sexual intrusive visions/thoughts super weird and intense? This is very vivid so I’m so sorry but my visions are a lot of picturing me with my face in a vagina... so weird I know. But it’s a vision that is intense and constant and it’s so so weird. I obsess over if I would like something like that and could be okay with having for the rest of my life. The thought is gross but I then think is me saying it’s gross a compulsion or cover up. Cuz I sure as hell hope not. I can’t get down with vaginas in my face. But then I think could I. Dear lord I hate this. And just accepting that that thought/vision is there is the most uncomfy thing ha. Accepting any of the lesbian visions or thoughts are so uncomfortable.

Hocd.... I love my boyfriend with all my heart but I feel literally nothing. Numb. No love for anything. I want to be alone for the rest of my life because I don’t want to be a lesbian and I hate feeling so horrible putting someone I love so much through this bullshit. This makes me feel like I need to go out and try to be with a girl but then I lose him. Then me trying that sounds even more anxiety inducing and terrifying.

hocd sucks. even on good days there’s still this constant worry in the back of my mind that’s bothering me and sometimes i forget what that worry is, but i know there’s still a worry there so i try to remember what it is then i do. it’s like since i’ve gotten better i don’t actually think i’m bi, like the thoughts don’t seem as real. but then i get triggered or i get a groinal responses and i’m like uh okay maybe i am and i get freaked out and it just sucks. or i’m like ok what if in the future i realize i am. and i don’t want that to happen

Hi. I’m new here. I’ve had contamination OCD for many years. Hoping to reduce my compulsions and get some of my life back.