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All I can think about is death. I’m only 26 and everyday feels like I won’t live a long time and that my time is up. I wake up with death instantly on my mind. All I do is cry and sleep. I miss who I was. I can’t enjoy anything without thinking “this will be gone one day” I miss loving life

I don’t like myself very much. I always search for faults in my actions/inactions. On top of that, I downplay evidence that says I’m a decent person. I amplify “evidence” that says I’m an indecent person. I carry this belief that I’m indecent. I feel like I don’t even meet the standard of barely acceptable. My ocd makes me feel like I’m a monster. I’m just in such a state of shock over these intrusive thoughts and feelings. I’m always working on trying to be a better person and yet, I am still being pulled in a bad direction. I’m tired. I don’t want to keep fighting my mind and body. I can’t get them to cooperate! I would say my life is being ruined, but everyday I’m getting better somehow. I will not give up. Positive thoughts lead to positive feelings and behaviors. It’s not hard to focus on positive things, I just really have to stop trying so hard. Trying hard only makes me feel like I’m inadequate (even tho I’m 100% capable as long as God is with me). Anyways sending my love to the ocd community. May we all find our ways home and be at peace 🕊️

for a year now my ocd has been stressing my boyfriend out. sometimes a lot so much so that it may of been chronic stress for some short portions of the year. I know i did not let my mental struggles make me abusive. i know i actually wasn’t even close to that point. but, my boyfriend has male pattern baldness and i have become convinced that the stress i put him under from my ocd compulsions and constant questioning this past year, has caused him chronic stress that lead to a quickening of his balding. i know that hair loss from stress grows back and is not the same mechanism as male pattern baldness hair loss. i know hair loss from stress is not because of permanent shrinkage of the follicle. so even if that happened, it is not the same thing so im not speeding up the permanent balding. but what if the damage to the follicles from stress is so bad it creates their own permanence of balding. even if not permanent the thought that i even temporarily made it worse makes me feel so awful. the worst part is i know this in itself is an obsession, because i know that it is unlikely that the stress got that bad and it doesn’t go without being said/ i didn’t realize until i had this what if thought. i also know that if it got that bad with what happened, it would also be partly on him for handling it in the way he did. i can just feel that this itself is ocd. i think that if it wasn’t it would very different overall. but, i cannot stop these thoughts and saying sorry to him and asking for his perspective is only making it worse and worse

I have been dealing with POCD for years now. This past summer, something happened that I havent been able to get out of my mind. My friends and I were in the kitchen and my girlfriend was holding my niece behind me while I was washing dishes. I kept getting thoughts that I was being weird and exposing my niece to my butt. I kept saying that I wasn't trying to do so. But I shifted closer to her and I immediately felt guilty. I was like "why did I do that." This whole time I was trying to avoid it so why did it happen? I tired to tell myself that all of this wasn't true that I would never do something like that consciously or on purpose. But I knew i had done something wrong. I tried to remember as soon as it happened, but I could no longer remember how it even happened. But when I got a sudden thought of "no I didn't do it with bad intentions " I got so much relief. But then it would switch again to me having done something wrong and I'd feel guilty again. I tried convincing myself I did nothing wrong and forgot about this incident. A couple of months ago it came back to mind. I immediately felt panic and guilt. I tried convincing myself I did nothing wrong but I knew that I had in fact shifted my body closer that I had done something. But i just couldn't believe that i would've done something like that. once again I'd get a random memory flashback that I had no ill intentions and I'd feel relief. I kept trying to remember how it happened but I couldn't. I just knew I did something awful. I tried to explain what happened but I couldn't, but eventually I remembered that I had moved closer. I once again suppressed the memory and moved on. But it has once again come to haunt me. I try to remember the details but I cant. I just know that I did know I had done something and that I immediately felt guilty afterwards but when I try to remember details I cant. And I just don't understand this bc I'm always so cautious. I something close my eyes when I see pictures of my niece, or I'll put my hands in fists when I'm next to her bc of my urges, and when they make me hold her and I have an urge it feels terrifying. As of now the thoughts have decreased around her but now im scared to get her contaminated.

Talking to someone won't fix such deeply-rooted avoidance behaviors. Revising my life goals isn't the answer --- if someone avoids *everything*, the solution is to tackle those things head on, not to decide life is worth living even if you are too ~~useless~~ disabled to do the things you want to do in life. I know that that is the solution, but I do *nothing* to change my situation. I put a pause on therapy for a reason, and this latest session just reaffirmed that. I need actual exposure therapy, actual assignments, actionable steps I can take to stop being like this. To be clear, I am not blaming my therapist for my overarching situation. I am blaming myself for being someone who is unwilling to try despite the consequences, not unless I am directly forced. In the end, only I can take the steps needed to change my life --- no therapist can make me do anything, so doesn't that mean this form of therapy cannot help me? OCD is not *really* my problem, just like social anxiety disorder is not actually the reason I am alone. My problem is that I am unwilling to do hard things. I am simply unwilling. That is the devastating thing about all this.

Hey! Could anyone explain to me what the feeling of Transgender OCD is? I have been owndering for a while if i have this subtype (tocd is one i havent really tried to work on or look at yet), since ive only realised i have OCD, and havebeen trging to work at it for arou d half a year,and havent looked at this subtype. I just wamted to ask what it is like, in case i have it, or am genuinely thinking tbjs stuff? Tysm for reading!!! Beat ocd 😁😁🐶

I have been worried about my feelings in my relationship, our connection, and honestly, anything else I can think of, for around 4 months now. I really value my relationship, and I want it to work so badly. I feel like I am hitting a dead end. Does anyone have any tips?

Anyone else with SOOCD (well I hope it’s that!) and ROCD worried about sexual and romantic attraction? I feel I’m the exception 😔. Considering a relationship is about sexual and romantic attraction, I feel like it’s “real”. I used to be able to be like “a relationship isn’t just about sex” but then it became focussed on romantic attraction and fear of falling in love with a woman. I scan myself for feelings when interacting with women and it feels I prefer women and would be happier with a woman. This happens with pretty much all women I interact with, including female family members. Also get triggered by women on tv and radio. Brain constantly telling me women are better in every way and that everything special I have with my boyfriend I can replicate with a woman and have even more and better. Every positive thing I think about my boyfriend is instantly replaced with a thought of but you can find a woman like that. It’s like there is nothing unique about my relationship anymore as I can have the exact same and better with a woman! My boyfriend has literally been turned into a woman in every way! I feel so alone with this. It’s been going on for so long, and that feels like evidence! Help!

I have severe health OCD and I was doing well for years and then my dog passed away and it sent me into a spiral of thinking that I was going to die. I immediately started feeling chest pain and went to the hospital twice. My chest x-ray was clean and I also had a CT but now I’m afraid since I had a CT and x-rays that I’ll have cancer in 10 years and now I cannot get it off of my mind. It’s the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. It’s a constant cycle of my mind, telling me you’re gonna get cancer, you’re gonna get cancer, you’re gonna die from cancer. Even though that I’m healthy because the scans are clean, I’m now terrified that I had multiple scans through the years because of my health OCD that I’m going to give myself cancer. I keep researching CT scans and cancer and I’m terrified that I’m going to get it now. I really just want a doctor to tell me that I’m not going to get cancer from the CT scans but I know they can’t tell me that. I’m not afraid of dying, but I’m petrified about what comes after. I can’t imagine a life without living. How can I calm myself down? Any tips? My anxiety has gotten a lot better the past few days but it’s still crossing my mind.

I’ve been struggling for a few weeks now. My therapist diagnosed me with relationship ocd and I am having a really difficult time trying to determine what my real feelings are. My boyfriend is my best friend and I’ve felt distant lately and that hurts both of us. All of this is unfamiliar- I hate feeling like this and don’t recognize it. I’ve been so depressed and anxious and detached. A few weeks ago this happened for the first time out of no where and I literally felt like I was going through a breakup. I couldn’t sleep or eat or stop crying. I was so freaked out and felt so much pressure about the future even though he isn’t pressuring me. What if I don’t love him anymore? Do I want to end it? Maybe I should end it and then I’ll feel better. Maybe the problem is the relationship. How do I know? I don’t deserve him. Is avoiding him right now a sign I don’t love him? Is feeling stressed talking about future plans a sign I don’t want a future with him? What if we don’t get married? Is it all just a waste? Is this OCD or am I in denial that I want to break up? The thoughts go on… I thought the only thing that would make me feel better is if we broke up. But we didn’t. He’s stood by me and said he’ll be whatever I need. He has done research and has been so understanding. I started feeling better a few days later and then was doing really well for a couple of weeks when all of a sudden about a week ago we were just laying together and I started crying because of the obsessive thoughts I was experiencing. Compulsions I engage in include constantly seeking reassurance from him, my mom or chat gpt. I am going crazy I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I just want to feel normal again and be happy and I don’t know how. I don’t know why I can’t just enjoy myself. I’m either sobbing or feel emotionally flat. It’s exhausting and I just don’t know what to do. Anyone else been through this? I did just start Prozac last week but haven’t noticed any changes. I’ve just been going through an emotional roller coaster. The mood swings are awful.

I fear I will never be able to overcome this I’ve been called ugly since I was a child told I look like a boy told by others how I wasn’t attractive as so and so it’s awful I feel miserable now it’s greatly affecting my relationship with my husband I kept asking him over and over again if he ever seen anyone more attractive than me he kept saying no till I wore him down into saying yes when I accused him of lying and I was getting frustrated because I also have a fear of being lied to he got upset with the persistent questioning and finally replied a couple yeah sure are you happy and told me I can’t get upset because I wouldn’t except his original answer NO but he also told me later when I asked him if he really meant what he said he said no and that he thought it was something I wanted to hear because I wouldn’t accept him saying no and accused him of lying over and over again so he said yeah sure a couple to shut me up not meaning it but now I’m worried what if I just pulled the truth out of him he never really changed answers like that before and I’m wondering who and where like movie stars or people he dated or seen at Walmart or wherever and scared now that every time he leaves the house he’s noticing women who are more attractive than me it’s really killing me to think like this I told him my concerns and he gets mad but says that he never meant it and no i didn’t pull the truth out of him but I’m starting to wish after that when he said yeah sure instead of crying I could have asked him who and where it’s driving me insane and I can’t get over it and I’m really hurt especially since he knows I’m very insecure with my body i was hoping he would have stuck to his guns and maybe said something romantic I know that’s dumb but why it feels like he made it worse and now I’m mad at him even though I do know this is my fault but it really hurt me I don’t know what to do and wish I could trust him when he said that he didn’t mean the change of the answer

today was really stressing for me and yesterday too. so it started yesterday, i was scared and stressed because I didnt feel any desire for intimacy with my boyfriend and i started thinking and stressing that i never wanted to be intimate with my boyfriend or that im doing it just to please him?? and i have thoughts like what if i dont love my boyfriend or what if i dont find him attractive and im really stressing and this is so hard. and yesterday i didnt know if i want to do anything intimate and my boyfriend obviously understood and said okay we wont do anything (hes the most gentle person ever and he always understands) but he was worried that i dont want to for some time now and he was worried that i dont want him or that i dont find him attractive anymore. and today im really stressing about it, yesterday i was streesing too but today its worse. i went on a walk with my dog and my boyfriend is sleeping since some hours so we didnt text and while i was walking i didnt have headphones i was alone with my thoughts and i started analysing that i dont know what i feel towards my boyfriend. i was thinking that what if i just lie to myself that i love him or what if im pretending to? i know i love him, i miss him, i want to be next to him and have my future with him hes the best that ever happend to me, if we dont have a sleepover on a weekend like we always do i freak out and im really sad or when we cannot hangout. but im really scared, some time ago i started getting easily irritated by him and its also so hard for me i dont want to be irritated and i feel bad when i write this. but i have these thoughts and i hate them. and i have a problem with knowing what i feel? i cant describe my feelings and i dont know what i feel for example i cant really answer how i feel when someone asks me. im scared that what if my boyfriend will tell me he loves me and i will be stressed and wont answer because i wont know what i feel? im worried like what is wrong? why cant i know what i feel why i cant describe my emotions. im diagnosed with depressive episodes and i used to say that i felt this empty feeling but some time ago i started to think that maybe it wasnt an empty feeling? and that i just felt okay so i just declined the fact that i have depressive episodes and now i think that i never felt this emptiness and i just said i did to get attention. for now, the only emotion that i can describe that i have is stress because i feel it in my stomach. im so worried that i was analysing that i dont know if i love my boyfriend and i think i should tell him and i dont know whats going on with me. im scared about the thought of losing him i never want to loose my baby

I’m officially diagnosed and on meds but my sexual OCD has so much evidence to prove that my obsessions and fears are true. My real event is a compulsive porn use in my past, and now I’m scared if any of that means anything. And my OCD targets people of a specific body size, leading me to question if those are my true preferences and I don’t want that to be the case :( I feel sexually broken, seriously, how am I supposed to move on from this? I feel I turned gay, or a deviant or always have been!

18+ UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now (over 2 months) and i dont want to lose her... she's kind, and lovely, and the one I wanna marry one day... but then I look at myself... and my past... and I genuinely don't think I deserve her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...

18++++ please NO MINORS I’m in this POCD group, and I feel like the real p in the group. Everyone has POCD, and I feel like I’m definitely tricking my ERP therapist as well because she’s like “you’re still not convincing me you’re a p,” even though I think the taboo thoughts. I think them, and sometimes it feels good to think them. Nobody talks about it. :(

Hey all, Im Ashton, a 29 year old trans man. I grew up having obsessive thoughts and I am surprised my therapists and psychiatrists Ive worked with over the past 20 years have not ever caught these patterns to diagnose me. It goes way back to childhood but Ive always had intense intrusive thoughts. Some earliest revolving around harm OCD, not so much me actively inflicting harm on others but just harm coming to others. Emergency vehicle sirens would trigger me into panic episodes as a child because I would get graphic thoughts of people dying. I would cover my ears and cry and mu parents would shame me for it. I also have trichotillomania and I was diagnosed with this along with ADHD as a child, and OCD was never brought up despite trichotillomania being highly comorbid with OCD. I later had intrusive thoughts of my mom dying which made me so distressed that I would cry. My mom actually ended up dying of suicide shortly after those themes started and it actually began this magical thinking OCD theme because my mom's aunt told me it was a premonition. I was later diagnosed with BPD AND Bipolar disorder in my young adulthood and they gave me both because they couldnt tell which one I was more aligned with. I am starting to think it was misdiagnosed OCD the entire time but because my compulsion pattern didnt look like counting rituals, they probably never thought to evaluate me. Ive worked in healthcare for four years now, and it has intensified my health OCD themes way more than any other theme I've had. I can feel ever sensation in my body and my brain automatically jumps to the conclusion that it is a symptom of a rare deadly disease. Ive realized recently that theres nothing that will stop the torture my brain puts me through but I want desperate to get ERP to at least quiet the fear response to the thoughts I have. Its made my life very hard to live this past year. Its increased my stress so bad that I actually began to physically deteriorate. Stress can absolutely affect physical health to the point of developing chronic pain and other physical symptoms. I still have to get an evaluation, but after seeing other people's experiences, ESPECIALLY with health concern OCD, and with the suggestion from my primary care physician, I am almost 100% certain that I have OCD.

Hey y’all! Just a little about my journey- Last year I was diagnosed with OCD. This was a huge turning point in my life because traditional therapy never fully addressed what I needed. The anxiety, rumination, and repetitive behaviors continued. My OCD came to its peak last spring where it consumed my thoughts constantly and I felt like I was running on a Hampster wheel without being able to rest for months on end. Exposure therapy was very difficult and seemed pointless at first because it seemed to only make me feel worse. Over time the weight behind my thoughts slowly started to decrease and I began to feel like myself again. Now I have little to no symptoms of OCD, but I do feel depressed. After all that anxiety and running, it feels like my brain doesn’t know what to do anymore. For so long I felt like my purpose was trying to survive OCD and now that it has gone, I think I need to find a new purpose and learn to keep pushing myself to maintain a healthy life even when I’m not in survival mode. Has anyone else experienced this?

When ocd hits me it’s like I try to take myself all the way back to the feeling of before I had ocd. I constantly want that feeling of when I didn’t have it. It’s like I lose everything I know now and put my mindset in the way it used to be and I lose who I am now

I’ve developed major health anxiety and would love input from others who feel the same or who have overcome. I had a traumatic event years ago and suspected exposure to infectious diseases (legit exposure). I’ve tested negative for hiv through labs 5 times, four 4th gen tests and one RNA years after exposure. I also have tested for hep b including two recent anti-hbc tests through quest negative and also then developed immunity after vaccination. I stay petrified of a missed diagnosis and fear I had a past cleared hep b infection that quest is missing. I’ve never had symptoms. How can I move past this? Or do I need more testing!? 😭

Im 29, I believe I have had SO-OCD since I was about 15. A friend of mine and I stopped talking 5 year ago because she, and I believe I as well, had feelings for each other but I was afraid to take the next step because I was afraid I was gay/wouldnt be able to perform/would hurt her later on. Started talking again this year and it was fantastic. Like we never even stopped before. I felt great talking to her but when the relationship idea came up again, same thing I would get rushing thoughts like those up above. It was working fine and we decided to just be friends but then she said she was going on a date and I became incredibly jealous. I acted childishly, didnt respond to messages or give short answers. She decided we should spend some time apart because we both have feelings for each other but she wants a relationship. I have been miserable this past week thinking about this and how I ruined our relationship again because of my doubts in myself. Its so confusing because I know I want to be with her but then the thoughts make me doubt myself and makes me think I am going to hurt her again, which I simply cant do. Sorry to ramble but I just needed to get this off my chest.