a lot of really stressful stuff has been happening in my life lately, but even though theyāre becoming more manageable and within my usual limits, itās as if i canāt turn my nervous system off, and every day is a major challenge full of high anxiety, crying, and an apparent inability to do anything about it.
if you want the full context for what iām about to vent about, the first post on my profile has the full story. but if you donāt, tldr:
after over half a month of extreme stress involving my momās ongoing chronic illnesses (both mental and physical), her abusive behaviors, and my dad undergoing shoulder surgery, two things have happened.
1) my momās been diagnosed with kidney stones, and
2) i have been entirely unable to reel myself back in after my most recent episode, and itās scaring me.
to give some additional context for anyone reading this who didnāt read my original post, my health concern ocd is mainly about contracting contagious diseases, so my momās recent kidney issues and their symptoms (including the oneās sheās experiencing now and the ones she could begin to experience at any momentāwhich have actually gone on for years, but have been flaring up more frequently since february) being confirmed as stones should, in theory, be relieving to me, right?
well, wrong, i guess, and itās been terrifying feeling so out of control.
just being in the house with her is a trigger. i mean, itās a lot better when sheās awake and i can check and see that sheās alright (which is another compulsion iāve been trying and failing to tackleāiāll talk about that in a second), but recently, sheās begun to sleep all day until the evening, likely due to a combination of her current chronic health issues and an inability to sleep at night, and thatās been a complete nightmare for me.
and, likeā¦ itās strange! itās honestly even terrifying! because i know for a fact that she is, in terms of contagious diseases, cleanāeven by ocd standards, because iāve done excessive research into incubation periods and symptoms and all that jazzāand yet, itās as if something inside of me has broken, and i can no longer return to normalcy, even though i know and hope and beg that that canāt be true.
like, i feel pretty frenzied. even the simplest tasks are sometimes overwhelming. i often have to try (and fail) to sleep to calm down at least somewhat. even writing this had to wait until now because iāve been so wound up and easily overwhelmed all day. whatās worse is that iāve been wanting so desperately to try and distance myself from my mom, to stop checking on her, to live my life for myself even though weāre living in the same house, but it feels impossible when iām unsure how sheās doing because sheās asleep, or because iām trying (and eventually failingā¦ r.i.p.) to resist the temptation to check on her.
after all of that, though, i think tonight iām finally beginning to realize something, and itās really silly, because i feel like i should have known it sooner:
i think my contamination ocd is illogical. which, like, of course it is. all ocd is. thatās the nature of the disorder. but the thing is, i used to be able to use, like, logic chains to talk myself out of spirals, whichā¦ sounds pretentious, yeah, but they were definitely flawed. but, like, at least i could still, yāknow, do it. like, i could calm myself down. but that ability is just not there anymore, and this recent episode has been especially terrible as a result.
however, all that said, i think i have a few theories as to why itās been like this, whichā¦ i guess could be used as actionable hypotheses for potential treatment and coping mechanisms. here they are:
a) the ālogicā i used to calm myself before could have been ocd compulsions and/or ruminations that i didnāt realize, and no longer work for obvious ocd-being-ocd reasons.
b) my contamination ocd isnāt just about literal, physical contamination, but a more magical feeling ofā¦ presence? emotional contamination? iām unsure of the exact term, but something like that.
c) i could have ptsd (c-ptsd? i donāt know) from seeing my mom get sick so many times in the past and having those intense, all-consuming contamination fears, and itās contributing to (and complicating) my current ocd-related anxieties.
d) the first half of this month (and some months prior, but thatās a story for another day) has been a traumatic time for me.
that is to say, i think i have contamination ocd in more magical thinking-y ways than i previously thought, and with the addition of current and past traumas regarding my motherās various mental and physical health issuesā¦ good lord. iām sure yāall can relate. my condolences to anyone more experienced with this. itās terrible.
like, god, itās been absolutely horrible to live with. i wouldnāt even call it living; more like droning. but i try to, at least! the new tomodachi life has been a nice distraction when i can handle it, and long youtube videos provide some comfort, but sometimes, during the day, i feel utterly consumed by terror, and can do little more than lay down and try to rest my mind. it feels like i canāt (or shouldnāt) do my usual routines or get into games anymore.
and intrusive thoughts that i didnāt even realize were intrusive thoughts donāt stop comingāimages of my mom appearing more and more sweaty and nauseous and short of breath. and i get these intense, intangible feelings that i can now describe as feeling contaminated, like the feeling that walking down or across the hall will expose me to contaminated air. these feelings are why i check on my mom in the first place; to see if sheās polluting the environment with bad germs or vibes or whatever else it is that my brain thinks sheās exuding. my emotions go haywire, too! sometimes when i watch a video, itās as if the smallest detail might cause me to hyperventilate, related or not to my current anxieties.
anyway, i guess i donāt have much more to say, except that iām just really kind of going through it, and that i need some tips and advice as someone dealing with a relatively new form of contamination ocd for me on top of whatās already been there for years. anything you think might help me would be good! even the most basic of suggestions help. and if you have advice that may help me in regards to what i theorized could be happening, thatād be especially awesome.
thank you to whoever reads all of this! it means more than you know.
