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the NOCD Community

I am so alone right now. I have family and I have friends who love me but they don’t connect with me. They don’t understand me and I feel like I don’t belong. Ocd has made things 100% worse by triggering self esteem issues (bad) and I feel like I get constant kicks in the teeth by everyone in my life. Even people I was close with I feel so distant from. I’m so fed up, I think I’m falling into a depression

It feels so real People talk about knowing “deep down” but I honesty don’t know And I’m scared if I say I’m straight I’m lying or if I say I’m gay I’m lying All I do know is I want to be with a guy eventually but it feels like I don’t even have feelings for them. And yet I don’t have feelings for women, I’m scared I’m going to though. Can someone please talk to me and help? :(

Any tips for not ruminating? It seems like the thoughts just come and I ruminate on them forever and just get stressed and all kinds of physical sickly symptoms. I feel like most of my day is spent trying to convince myself I'm not a violent person..

OMG I was watching an old Oprah and how this wife and husband ended up being gay and lesbiwn and how she knew but she didn’t know and how she was boy crazy in high school and I’m scared now because of my past am I

Any techniques to calm hocd? Like something SOS? I try to say they’re thoughts and mean nothing, but then I go “what if I’m in denial and that’s why I’m say this and thinking this?” And I spiral again. Anything would really help at this point. I really feel like the odd one out here.

Can anyone answer this : i see tiktok as a trigger i love watching them but if i see a pretty girl on their it sometimes gives me that pit feeling and sometimes triggers my hocd , i don't know whether to continue watching them as an exposure or delete the app , i feel like i should keep watching them daily but i don't know how exposure therapy works and what to do

Hey everyone I’m really struggling right now I’m not having any intrusive thoughts I’m just ruminating on the possibility of be being a you-know-what and I’m so anxious because I can’t tell my real memories apart from fake ones and I’m feeling a strong urge to self-harm. Sometimes my OCD fluctuates and I feel completely rational and okay and I know I’m not like this but other times my brain is just completely horrible and stupid and I really do convince myself that I’m a you-know-what. I’m just feeling really triggered and terrible right now I don’t need reassurance I just need some tips or suggestions for coping mechanisms to de-escalate all of this. Somebody please help I’m sorry.

when i’m waking up it feels so real that i actually want it, but its not a good feeling. And after a while i get anxiety. And then i have anxiety rest of the day. Can anyone relate?

It feels like I just need to accept this, but how? When I’m not any of these things. But these thoughts seem to real! Like I want these things and I like them. But no I don’t. Could this really be hocd?? Any thoughts hocd sufferers??

Lol how tf can I not look at ANY FEMALE without wondering if I would get butterflies if I were to kiss her or am attracted to her or think about a stupid ass lesbian scenario with her. Done done done. Make it stop. It feels like I totally would want it. I’m so sick of it. It’s almost like I’m used to it. But still don’t want to act on it. UGH

Can HOCD cause unwanted thoughts about “coming out”. Like “just come out already.” Because I do not like the sexual images and thoughts I’m having.

whose ocd started after smoking cannabis? :)

Anyone else hyper aware of ringing in their ears?

I need to vent to you all. So yesterday was my 18th birthday and I was so happy but my family ruined it and made it the worst day ever for me. We all ended up getting into a huge fight because my family won’t allow me to get a job, have my license, my ID card, won’t let me get doctors checkups bc they refused to get me healthcare and I haven’t had it for a few years now, yesterday I was planning on getting my piercing and because I look younger than 18 obviously they asked for my ID but the problem is my family will NOT allow me to have one. So, the guy told my grandma that was with me that she could sign the paper but guess what? She flat out said no with an attitude and got all fussy over just signing a paper. So that ticked me off because I’m never allowed to do anything.. not allowed to have friends tje only friends I have are online and they don’t know about them because if they did omg I would be DEAD, they are always putting me down about anything I do, if I accomplish something that I’m proud of like my weight loss for example it’s like they get all jealous of me and get an attitude about it like they can’t be happy for anyone else but themselves. They literally cussed me out behind my back yesterday and I only know they did because my cousin told me, they called me a liar when I told the TRUTH and of course everyone believed them because they ALWAYS pull this crying act to make people feel sorry for them. I told them “you ruined my birthday” and they said “how did I ruin your birthday? What did I do? I never do anything you know I love you” just trying to guilt trip me but I didn’t buy into any of their bs last night. I sat outside for about three hours in the cold because I was terrified of my dad. My dad is very aggressive and so are my brothers so I’m extremely scared of being around them. I had two breakdowns yesterday. I couldn’t enjoy my day at all. Every time I am around them my energy gets so drained. I feel dead around them. I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells. They have ruined so much for me. They’ve ruined things that could have been the best for me, they ruined my happiness, they ruined my self esteem, they have isolated me, they made me not trust anyone and made it seem like I could only trust them for the longest time, they have ruined my life. They ruined my mental health. I’m always so stressed around them. When no one is home I feel so free and like myself but then when they are home I isolate myself in my small squAre room afraid to leave it because I don’t want to interact with them. I don’t have contact with my mom because my mom has nothing to do with my either and I don’t know any of her side of the family and I absolutely HATE my dads side of the family because they are all the same. I just game off of medication and I was so happy but now bc of yesterday and being under high stress My ocd thoughts have been terrible today. I keep thinking everyone hates me including my amazing partner and friends. I keep thinking of all these “what if this, what if that” thoughts and it’s so terrifying. I’ve had to relearn everything because I used to act like them because their behavior was all I grew to know so I thought it was perfectly okay to treat others the same but hard reality hit me and I had a breakdown when I realized what I had become. A monster. All I’ve ever wanted to do was spread love and happiness to others because I know how it feels to be hurt and I never in a million years wanted to treat someone in the same controlling, manipulative, jealous behavior that my family has put me through but I did. I was hurt and caused hurt to others without knowing it. But ive changed a lot. I’m more aware of my actions, I’ve learned how to handle my emotions and communicate better instead of holding everything in, I’m a bit more confident in myself and I’m definitely not the person I used to be. I’ve owned up to my past mistakes and can admit when I’m wrong and my friend telling me that she loves the person I am now and to forget my past self meant so much to me. But, i feel like i can’t ever have true happiness in life until I’m away from here. Luckily, a friend is going to pick me up in the next week or two so I’ll be away from here for good but it’s just Im so hurt from yesterday. I can’t stop thinking about how they ruined my special day then tried to guilt trip me and act like they did nothing wrong. I’m so so so so upset. I’m sorry this was so long but I really needed to let this off my chest.

This is so long ah I’m so sorry. I’m really just trying to get all my thoughts out/ see if anyone feels similarly/ and what they’ve found helps. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD, but I’ve looked into it a lot and feel that I might have ROCD. (I was once diagnosed with anxiety, but didn’t keep up with therapy because my parents weren’t keen on it.) Now I really want to invest in it to get a formal diagnoses/help, and I’m going to start looking into that. I’m scared that this isn’t ROCD, and I’m truly just in the wrong relationship, or not actually in love with my partner. But then sometimes I’m certain it is? We’ve been together for a year and a couple of months, and it has been wonderful. She makes me feel so loved and so understood. She is my best friend. But this summer when we were on break from school I started getting major doubts once I’d found out about ROCD and some of my thoughts lined up with it’s description. I’d already started to have doubts before the summer. She is the first person I‘ve slept with, and it took a while for me to have an orgasm, and that made me freak out and start to question my attraction towards her/our compatibility. Every time we’d have sex I’d worry over this. (Though I also think it has to do with me not knowing what I wanted/what I liked in bed) Our sex life got better but I still had obsessive thoughts. I have them daily - “what if I don’t love her” or “what if this isn’t the right relationship” or “should I be dating someone else” When I’m with her I’m constantly checking. If we kiss, I’ll analyze how it feels (or how it doesn’t) and the same thing goes for when she compliments me or says she loves me. I’ll say I love her but something in my brain will say “but do you really?” Honestly, I’ve gotten to the point where when I think of her or am with her it makes me so anxious. I literally feel it in my stomach and chest. It’s so hard to deal with. I can’t make it stop. I think part of it is that I’m anxious that I’ll feel anxious/start to have obsessive thoughts, so I get anxious? I just want to be able to think of her and be around her and not feel so scared and anxious and always checking. I feel like my anxiety isn’t letting me truly experience my relationship.

i wanted to share my thoughts with you guys to see if anyone thinks the same thoughts as me. i had a pretty bad night last night so i decided to write all the thoughts i have down. i’m going to therapy today to get diagnosed and i’m really nervous but i’m hopeful it will help with my rocd and hocd. unless i just like don’t have it lol. background- my boyfriend of 4 months. we had been best friends for a year before that. sarah is his ex. i had and still to this day have a very toxic relationship with her and he would tell me too much abt them and what the did. he lost his virginity to her which rlly bothers me. when it mentions johns that was a party about a year ago where he got blackout drunk and couldn’t talk or sit up straight on his own and i had to stay in the bathroom with him alone for hours and clean up his vomit, pull up his pants, and carry him outside and it traumatized me. and kelly is my therapist. thoughts i don’t actually love him i’m leading him on i only want to be best friends again i’m not happy enough when i’m with him i’m not good enough to him he doesn’t like me he’s going to break up with me him playing video games and not paying attention to me means he doesn’t like me anymore him needing space means he doesn’t like me him not wanting to hangout means he doesn’t like me he’s probably sending nudes to other girls and i would have no idea he still likes his exes he still likes the girls he told me abt months before we were dating he isn’t good enough (vapes) i get so beyond sad when he drink/vapes my stomach drops (bc of johns) he’s lying to me abt vaping, drinking, weed beady eyes (i hate that i think this) not actually attractive if i think other guys are attractive it’s bc i don’t actually love him if he thinks other girls are attractive it’s because he doesn’t actually love me i’m leading him on other people are way more in love we’re going to break up i’m annoying him i’m too sensitive and he’s going to get tired of it comments he made abt sarah (she cries so much, she thinks we’re gonna get married) he was annoyed with her when he made those comments so he could be making those comments abt me i think abt sarah every time he does something cute/ hold his hand etc (‘he did this with sarah too’ ‘sarah thought it was cute when he did this too’) i don’t actually have feelings for him i’m just tricking myself that it’s ocd the thoughts are real if i’m having these thoughts they must be true i should break up with him now so that i don’t hurt him longer feel anxious going on dates in public older people judge us feel like kelly will judge me ‘she’s just a teenager she doesn’t know what love is’ scared people think i’m gay that ‘we knew you were gay from when you were little’ scared my friends think i’m gay scared kelly will think i’m gay having doubts abt loving my boyfriend means i like girls thinking a girl is attractive means i’m gay noticing a girls ass or boobs makes me gay ‘it runs in the family’ (my cousins are mostly all lgbtq+) i’m having the thoughts so it must be true i don’t have hocd i’m denying that i’m gay

Why did this ruined my whole perception on life. I used to think this shut was amazing and beautiful. I wanted to travel, see country’s, help people in need. I loved cultures and my biggest dream was going to the jungle and all that. Even tho if i wouldnt be able to achieve all that i still had the power and ability to just dream about it. That would be enough. But now even that had been taken. When i think about these things the sparkling feeling doesnt come, the desire to want it and the feeling of just being excited doesnt come up. Thats what makes me feel so numb and dark. For example inalways used to dream about going to tokio. I promised my 12 year old self i would at least visit japan once. Now im able to but i dont feel that passion or that love anymore. Theres zero excitemend. All becaude of the damage hocd has done me. I feel broken and idk if i can be restored again. I dont wsnt to miss out on these things. I get so sad thinking about that ill might never feel that magical feeling i used to crave so much. My young me would be so dissapointed. I dont wanna stay bitter but i littersly csnt control my feelings. I cant tell my soul to feel excited when its just anxious all the time. It has to be natural and genuine and im so afraid im not able to ever produce natural and genuine feelings without at least think of something that i dont wsnt to think about, like a hocd thought or just any of all the fucked up thoughts that ruined me. I have friends who are depressed but theyre sad they tell me but they keep on rumbling about how much they dream of doing this and this and going on vacations n shit and im like, how tf are h even able to be excited or have passion for something? Arent u completely shattered to the point where u cant dream no more. I mean i dont wish them any of what jm feeling and its not like i dont want them to be happy but idk one time we relate with feeling so drained but then suddenly they can act so happy and excited for things. Idk if im the only who has this but my dreams dont feel pure andymore and its sucks because when i was young i just couldnt wait. Like i already was happy but i looked so forward to my dreams thst could make me even more happy and now i csnt even reach being okay. I want to feel those moments so bad without it feeling forced or makingg me anxious. I dont wanna go to tokio unless if i get my old self back and me able to feel thode goosebumps i used to get when i even just thought about being in that city. I just miss feeling alive. When i was young i listened to music and i couldny wait to go clubbing, now im at the age where i csn do all the teen stuff but it doesnt get me excited and it doesnt gibe me sparkle. It gives me anxiety. And i know the obstacle thats causing this is hocd but hocd seems unremovable and i feel like its nesteled in my brain and like a virus i will never lose. So what if the highest point ive reached in my life was when i was 12 and had a crush on harry styles and had a will to live and dreamt all day because it made me feel so so happy and special. I just have to know if im able to get over this and feel that. I dont wanna waste anymore time being like this but i cant stop it and when i try it gets worse. i want to be excited by life again. Right before hocd i was, it all shutered down the minute hocd came in my life. So if hocd is gone will it come back? It feels like ive ruined myself and like im not capable of feeling those feelings ever again.

Anyone available for talking cauzz im feeling really anxious right now ??

I can't tell if I have HOCD or I'm in great denial. It feels so unnatural to be with a girl but I feel like I want it? I am scared I don't have any HOCD and I'm just saying this as an excuse to not be gay. I always smile (without even trying) whenever I imagine myself with a boy and when I imagine it with girls, it just feels so lonely and dark. Makes me want to peel my own skin. I really want to be straight again. I know I've always been.

I feel like I’m just gonna be the one person whose actually gay. And i also feel like I’d be living a lie if I were straight :( But I wanna be straight :( Do you feel that way?