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Hi, I’ve been having intense anxiety today about past events. As a child I would have intense periods where I would obsess about bad things I did in the past and confess them all to my parents and sometimes to friends. I’m having another such period now, but I think the things I’ve done that I’m obsessing over now are absolutely horrid. I confessed a few such things to my mom a few months ago but there’s more things to confess now and I can’t tell if I’m a horrible, disgusting person or if I’m just obsessing and should keep things to myself, like they might pass soon. I think this is OCD but I’m feeling extremely anxious right now.

I’m so terrified of being called out as a disgusting person and I haven’t even done anything to my knowledge but I’m still terrified. I don’t find kids attractive at all! It disgusts me to even think about!! So why am I so scared? I’m scared of telling certain friends I’d trust about pocd and them thinking I’m a pedo. It’s terrifying.

This massive argument happened in a group I'm in with other people who have the same business as me, and all I cared about was for it to hurry up and end so I could focus on figuring out what I was ruminating over. I feel so detached from the rest of the world. Like they're actually living and feeling things in the real world, and I'm living in my head and feeling things in my head.

I have moral/responsibility OCD and I constantly feel the need to report things online where I feel someone may be going against the rules/regulations. Or something may be inappropriate/illegal (even if I'm not sure) I avoid most websites, mainly porn sites where I feel the likelyhood of coming across something like that is higher and gives me so much anxiety and fear. Anyway, because I dont feel comfortable going on an actual pornsite, I've been going on a erotic literature site (literotica) for ERP. Literotica states in all its stories the characters depicted are 18+. I was scrolling past the stories today and came across a title where there was an alice in wonderland themed story. I'm assuming the characters would be depicted 18+ otherwise it wouldnt have been allowed but the title creeped me out. I didnt click the story so I have no idea what was said in it. My brain is saying you should have reported it, just incase. But the whole point of ERP is not to do your compulsions. I cant stop ruminating on it though. I keep thinking I should go back and report it as I cant be sure all characters in the story were depicted as 18+? Ugh I've been ruminating on this for hours now.

i just did about 40mins of erp scrolling through tiktok watching bisexual videos and boy am i triggered. i noticed myself doing sneaky compulsions tho. for example: the tiktok was like “if you liked these characters when you were young then you’re definitely bisexual” and they’d show the characters for example prince eric and ariel and i remember when i was young how obsessed i was with prince eric like i wanted to full blown marry him and i’d always pretend i was ariel. so then my sneaky compulsion was “you see you’re straight you only liked eric” but this one tiktok almost made me cry and i freaked out because i was overthinking why i almost cried: it was this guy talking about how he was straight his whole life until 2016 where he wasn’t sure and now he’s bi and when i tell you my heart fell to my stomach i wanted to cry but i didn’t i just say with the anxiety the thing is i know you’re not suppose to stop until the anxiety goes down but my anxiety didn’t go down at all it’s rose a lot. like every tiktok i saw it just got higher and higher. am i doing something wrong?

I’m so tired of hocd bro I wonder what would happen if I experimented with a girl ( I have a bf I love him so much ) and I don’t wanna go that far just to know my sexuality but I honestly can’t take this anymore . Am I just in denial please help .

I’m in a call with a friend right now and I just feel so unsafe. Like something bad will happen to me because it always does. And I want to cry and breakdown but I can’t because my friend is on the phone with me. I’m just terrified and I feel so alone with this. I feel like I’m lying. I feel like an imposter. I’m scared that I’m not innocent and I’m paranoid as all hell and it won’t go away. I try to distract myself, tell myself it’s just thoughts, but then I get things recommended to me on YouTube about certain subjects and I just get triggered again. I feel I can’t talk to anyone about this either because my friends don’t understand. I feel like a burden. And I’m scared. My appointment isn’t until the 23rd and even then I don’t know if this therapist will know about ocd at all. I’m so scared I just miss how things used to be. I’m freaking out and it won’t stop. I’m scared I’m gonna get in trouble somehow someway. I’m scared of hurting people. I’m scared of being a bad person. I’m scared of my career being ruined. I’m scared of my life not having any meaning other than harming others. because between OCD and BPD that’s all it feels like. It feels like that’s my only purpose in life is to be bad. I’ve slowly begun learning that everyone makes mistakes and that a lot of us are so just grey. But because of everything in my life Especially with trauma and my crippling loneliness physically? And how people slowly leave me either through sickness and death or just can’t deal with my mentally ill brain anymore they all just leave. I don’t want to be a bad person, I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to go back in time to my childhood when things were ok again. I used to never have these horrible thoughts. Never. Then one day I did and it hasn’t ended since. I mean I’ve always had ocd. I used to get terrifying visual and textual thoughts In my head of harming people physically (I still can’t touch knives. It’s incredibly hard to be near them) but once something happened in my teen years and ever since then the pocd thoughts started and never went away. I’m constantly plagued by every single subtype of ocd and it drives me insane. One minute I’ll cry about pocd next I’ll cry about health ocd next it’ll be harm ocd. Last year the entire year I thought I was dying from cancer bc I kept having weird symptoms and my grandmother died from cancer and I literally cared for her up until her death bed and it was *traumatizing*. I am TRAUMATIZED from the 6 years of having to had take care of another human being with dementia. And now my mom has Alzheimer’s and it’s just happening all over again. I’ve also been scared because my memory is *so* bad and I mean BAD that I’m scared I’m gonna get dementia or Alzheimer’s like my grandma and mom. I’m scared I’m gonna get cancer like my grandma (and it’s possible in my future because I already have issues with my uterus with months long periods sometimes and my gyn said I might have the gene for ovarian cancer which is what my grandma died from) and I just?? I can’t do it. My future is planned out for me no matter how I look at it. Something bad will happen to me no matter what. I always just wanted to be a famous artist but even then I don’t think I can do that because I’m terrified I’m living a lie and deep down people will find deep dark secrets about me and say I’m this horrible person. Ok rant over.

I have an appointment with a therapist next week but it isn’t any specialized therapist so I’m just really hoping she knows about Ocd and subtypes of it. I feel I’m going insane. I’m paranoid as all hell and my YouTube recommended videos are triggering me and I’m scared people can see what I talk about or something and that’s why my YouTube recs are the way they are and my pocd is being triggered by them. I just want it all to go away.

Pedophile OCD is completely destroying my life or if I think it's that but if I had to say one image it would be this experience. I am 15 years old and as a teen I feel well I'm aware my hormones are all over the place. Recently I developed an obsession over reporting "MAPs" (as they call themselves on Twitter "Minor Attracted Person") because I'm a minor (15) and I want them all gone. I freaking hate them. Then after a while I was on a trip and freaked out over thinking a kid my brain might have thought he was cute because I don't knoe maybe for a split second I thought he looked older but then he stood up and I saw he was like seven and I knew I *definitely* didn't like him. I still was really conflicted over the fact that at first I did and was starting to freak out about this PRETTY HARD which ended up on me spending the whole trip worrying about if I could be a pedophile and it felt very real and I might have unconsiously liked him. This really really made me want to kill myself. I kept on freaking out about kids but always would calm down and see them normally I did stop reporting maps on Twitter because it was affecting me. I am aware I'm very sensitive so there's that too. I did went back to it after a while and saw something very disturbing. It was actually CP but I still went and reported it and scroll through it and I hated it. It was horrible. I forced myself to watch to be sure I didn't like any of that and there was one that grossed me out by and everything because it was like a really small girl and it broke my heart. But then a couple days pass and I was fantasizing about my boyfriend half asleep and the thought of being the guy in the video of that girl came up to my mind and I was half asleep so I only half realized it It was still the same speed I was imagining my boyfriend in and the image of the girl came and I half knew it (or I would had stopped the thought right there) was there and I thought about the size and the softness of the girl while in the disgusting fantasy and I felt turned on by it BUT I couldn't see her face and the "image" was very blurry so I don't know if it's PTSD from what I saw (which it has heavily affected me) or what because I think I might had related those specific characteristics as to stuff (like hentai, not lolis just they normally look smaller and they're soft I've always enjoyed tummy and like imagining my boyfriend's) I would jack off to and if I think about it that way it's still hot but when I remember the EXACT image I saw I'm just horrified again. And it's making me feel like a monster. Though if I think of the mix weird vision I think I still find it hot, it was very surreal and I'm a very horny teenager so I am losing my mind. My boyfriend has told me that at this age we just want to have sex with anything and everything and that soft and small = is something the teenage brain teen brain will want to have sex with. But I find this so abhorrent and I wouldn't even want to touch a child so I don't know what is going on. I can't think about anything else other than this. I also talked to my mom about it and she told me it's normal because I was fooled by this since it was something abhorrent yet presented to me in a sexual way related to stuff I find attractive and that I like soft and small stuff still because I'm still soft and even if I'm a 15yo my mind is still developing so???? Please, please I need to know if I'm normal. I'm about to turn 16 and I could be diagnosed with this horrible thing. I'm going to lose my mind. Please someone help me.

OK u have a problem like I have a thought and it was confused like I didn't know what was that and after I realized it was normal and I say like oh so this I can enjoy, so I don't enjoy the other ones just because the are wrong? And if I could I would enjoy them?

Can you have BPD and OCD at the same time

I just read an article from a bisexual person saying it’s very odd to be straight in 2020 because everyone tries different things. Now I feel like I’m strange and my hocd tells me that all my thoughts are true.

I used to see a lot of stuff online that said stuff along the lines of ‘you are not your thoughts, you have to differentiate OCD/intrusive thoughts from your values/beliefs/gut instincts’ (and this was reassurance to me sort of saying I wasn’t questioning my sexuality it was just OCD putting more value on random stuff) but I’ve also seen a lot that says it’s a compulsion/self reassurance to say to yourself ‘it’s only OCD’ when you get an intrusive thought. So I’m confused as to whether I should just be accepting uncertainty and shrugging at my intrusive thoughts and not saying ‘oh it’s ocd’ , but then that also makes me think well if I’m not sure whether it’s ocd then maybe my thoughts do have meaning? Does that make any sense? Would appreciate some help as to what mindset will help me heal the most going forward.

I dont understand. I try not to react to the thoughts, groinal responses and yet still they happen. How am I not meant to doubt myself And not believe that these thoughts are real when I'm not even fighting back and nothings improving

I imagine myself with my partner doing lovey dovey stuff and idk why I become so anxious and feel like hesitant. Is this normal what the feiwkbdhdshd

What are the best ways to stay in the present?I’m none stop ruminating on the past and future. :)

I keep forcing myself to think of my real event ocd and the incident that happened all those years ago but I feel like thinking about it just makes me more depressed and angry and I can barely be around the person it's centered on anymore. I want to cry. Why can't I convince myself what I did was the acts of a child? Not me, as an adult, but a child who had no idea what they were doing was bad. I know that's what it is, I know I'm not a criminal, or sex offender, but then why can't I forget it? I feel like telling the whole world just so they can yell in my face how stupid I am, how I really am a criminal, or how I'm innocent. I dont care. I need to know from everyone because why do I get to make the distinction between right and wrong?? I'm losing my head over this.

OCD is the “doubting disorder”. That’s why we can’t count on “outthinking” our OCD for relief. No matter how strong your logic or rationale, OCD will find a way to undermine you every time. That road ends where it starts. That’s why the behavioral component of OCD treatment (Exposure and Response Therapy) is the gold standard for OCD. It forces you to face your fears and habituate to them, which can result in less compulsions and subsequently less OCD symptoms (aka relief!). I know it seems counterintuitive that facing you’re OCD thoughts will make them decrease in severity/frequency. I also know that sounds scary as hell. But would you rather be in pain from running away from them or be in pain from standing up for yourself?

I want the thoughts to go away. I can’t stop feeling like I deserve to not even exist. I don’t know what to do anymore I’m trying to watch a movie and I can’t stop thinking about earlier and I hate myself.

if you don’t understand HOCD (sexual orientation ocd) , don’t comment something under someone’s post please... it doesn’t help it makes it worse. don’t tell them “just be who you are it’s not that bad it’s 2020” literally stop. don’t do that shit please ?