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Found out today my grandma has cancer and things aren’t looking so good. My heart is broken and I’m afraid my ocd with come back worse again. Idk I’m just really sad and don’t know who to talk to.

It kind of worries me that there aren’t a lot of people here who deal with Suicidal and Existential OCD. It makes me feel like I don’t have OCD and that I won’t get out of this spiral. Really feeling the need to talk.

HARM OCD MY LONG STORY. I wanted to post my story just incase someone else can relate to my intrusive thoughts. I’m am 16 years old and I suffer with anxiety but lately I’ve had intrusive thoughts to do with harming myself and others on and off for about a year now but they are really bad at the moment. I remember I had my first set of intrusive thoughts when I was around 11. I was on Instagram ( I know you are not supposed to have it till you’re 13 but all my friends had it at 11 so I felt like I had to haha ) I remember I read a post about someone commiting suicide and I quickly googled to check what that meant as I didn’t know and as an 11 year old that freaked me out as I had never thought about suicide before and I thought to myself “that’s awful what if that happened to me and I wanted to kill myself” I remember this thought scared me and I thought that just by thinking that maybe I did want to and I remember I kept getting thoughts that said “I wanna kill myself” in my head and they scared me so much so I told my mum and she told me these thoughts were just triggered by a scary post and I quickly forgot about them. It first started around a year ago when I was on summer break from school and when I was at my friends house and we was watching a documentary on YouTube about a serial killer as my friends and I found them quite interesting. I remember suddenly as I was watching it I got a random thought “what if I became crazy and wanted to kill everyone”. I remember my heart skipped a bit and this thought terrified me as I had never thought about anything like this before and I thought “Oh my god no you’d never want to do that” and I quickly forgot about it as I was with my friends and I got distracted. The next day I continued that documentary at home by myself as we didn’t completely finish it and they thought returned “what If I wanted to become a serial killer” and again I was completely terrified. I was terrified that this thought meant something and I kept asking myself why do you keep thinking about that and I couldn’t get it out my head. I then kept thinking about this thought for about a week and I kept wondering why I was so obsessed and kept thinking about it. I remember thinking to myself “what if you are thinking about it so much because deep down you actually want to do it?” I remember this made me burst into tears because I’ve have always been such a caring and kind person and I’d never want to hurt anyone I can’t even hurt a spider if it’s in my house I have to remove it careful lol! After obsessing over these thoughts for about a week I returned back to school where I got completely distracted and didn’t have these thoughts for about 4 months! I then remember getting a scary thought again 4 months later when I was watching the news with my mum, dad & brother and on the news was the story about I think terrorist attack in London where someone had stabbed a couple of people and I remember watching it thinking “oh my god this is awful, I can’t believe things like this happen” etc. I then remember a random thought popped into my head and it was “what if that happened to me and I went crazy I went round and stabbed people” I remember this thought made me cry and I had to leave the room and my family and I went up to my room and I started crying and I thought to myself “why the hell would you think of that” and I kept telling myself “it’s just a thought you know you’d never do that” and the thought actually passed and I didn’t think of it again. I then didn’t have any harm intrusive thoughts until now. I hadn’t had bad obsessive thoughts for about 5 months since now. About a month ago I watched a video called “reacting to the scariest 999 calls” and I really wish I hadn’t but it didn’t even enter my head that this could trigger my intrusive thoughts. One of the calls in the YouTube video was a serial killer who after every kill rang the police to tell them he couldn’t help it but he just kept killing people. This again absolutely terrified me and I straight away thought to myself “what if that happens to me and I can’t help myself and I just want to kill people” I straight away turnt off the video and my heart was beating so fast. I remember I straight away burst out crying and I just kept thinking to myself “what if that happened to me” and “what if I become a serial killer” and “what if I want to do that deep down but I don’t want to admit it”. That last thought was the one that triggered my anxiety the most because I believed that if I’m thinking this it just mean something and maybe I actually want to do it even though these are genuine fears and things i fear happening so much. The next day I woke up and straight away these thoughts popped into my head again and stayed through out the whole day and the whole next week. As the weeks past and I kept worrying and obsessing over these thoughts the worse and worse they got and I literally could not get them out of my head. After a week of worrying about becoming a serial killer my thoughts then moved on to another set of worries. As we are in a global pandemic and we are in quarantine I am quarantining with my mum, dad and brother I remember I got a thought “what if I just went downstairs and grabbed a knife and just stabbed all my family isn’t there stories of teenagers doing that? What if that happens to me and I do that” This thought made me feel so sick and I literally could not stop crying and again I started to obsess over it. I then started to feel weird when I picked up knives because I was having these horrible intrusive thoughts about stabbing family members that literally disgusted me. I also had thoughts about “what If I just took a knife out with me without even thinking and I stabbed random people when I was out.” I literally couldn’t touch knives for a week straight and if I didn’t I felt extreme anxiety because I had fear I was going to act out these thoughts and I just felt so so so scared I can’t explain. The more I worried and obsessed the worse they got and quickly. I remember I’d just be watching a video on YouTube of a random girl and I’d think “omg she is so pretty” and then out of nowhere my brain would go “I wanna kill her” and then I’d think “NO YOU DONT WHAT THE HELL AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING THAT THATS HORRIBLE AND DISGUSTING”. I could also just be talking to my mum and having a normal conversation and my brain would go “I wanna kill her” out of nowhere which made me feel physically sick as I’d never want to do that and I love my mum and these thoughts honestly just made me cry straight away. I also had a fear I would just randomly snap and hurt someone so I worry that I’d argue with my mum and just out of nowhere lose control and hurt her. I argued with my mum over something and I got angry and I thought “what if I got angry and I hurt her” which made me so upset and then straight away again after that thought I got another random out of now where “I wanna hurt her” thought which just I don’t even know to explain but those are the intrusive thoughts that scare me the most. I then turnt to my dad as he is always so understanding and he knows I’ve always struggled with really bad anxiety. I opened up about these thoughts and worries and fears I was experiencing and he laughed at me. He said these thoughts were simply irritational and did not at all fit with who I am and my character. He reminded me that they were just triggered by the scary video I watched and that just because it happened to someone in a YouTube video does not mean it’ll happen to me. He said I also don’t have it in me to kill or hurt someone as I am caring and kind and that not to let these scary thoughts get to me. Opening up about seeking reassurance actually made these thoughts a lot worse and more obsessive. I thought by opening up about these thoughts I’d feel better and reassurance from my dad would help but it only helped for about 3 hours then the thoughts came straight back and they started to come back worse. I was out with my mum and there was police near by and I remember thinking “what I’m an awful person for having these thoughts and I need to go and confess them to the police so they lock me up.” and when I was out I remember thinking “what if I have a knife on me and I don’t know” and “what If I brought a knife out with me and I didnt realise and I just stabbed someone” and “what if I brought a knife out because I secretly want to do it” and I remember I started crying so much in public and I thought I needed to confess my scary and horrible thoughts to the police because I couldn’t be trusted and I’m an evil person. I then remember coming home and I just thought to myself “why do you keep thinking of such horrible things” and “do I actually want to do these things?” I also remember thinking “I must want to do these things if I’m even thinking about it” and I then got a rush of thoughts like “I wanna kill someone then I’m horrible person if I’m thinking this” and these thoughts kept telling me “I wanna kill someone” I then decided I couldn’t take any more so I contacted my therapist and told her all the thoughts I was having. She reminded me these thoughts were normal and it was just my brain getting all of my fears out. She said the more I think these thoughts mean something and that deep down they have a meaning or deep down I want to do them the worse and scarier they will get. She said to remind myself I can not control the first thing that pops into my head and when I get these scary thoughts I should write them down on a piece of paper then throw it away and just think these don’t meaning anything. She also said “Your wild imagination is normal its what enables us humans to be creative but sometimes this can be scary.” This calmed me down and I felt reassured as it was coming from my therapist. After talking to my therapist I started to feel better and everytime I had a thought I would just laugh write it down and bin it and remind myself they are normal and everyone gets them. But intrusive thoughts are like bullies so they came back worse and this time I could see myself doing these horrible thoughts in my head but I still tried to stay strong and reminded myself of what my therapist had told me. I then started googling these thoughts and it led me to intrusive thoughts and harm OCD which I literally relate to everything I have read online but of course I don’t want to self diagnose but I’ve already been diagnosed with anxiety and ocd comes under that. Dealing with these scary intrusive thoughts are so so hard. I will tell myself “I don’t want to do these things they just intrusive thoughts and my anxiety will make me worry that mean something but they don’t” but then my Anxiety and OCD will tell me “ maybe deep down I do want to do these things and I’m awful person” and “I want to kill someone these thoughts must mean something” I read online and my therapist has told that everyone has these thoughts but most people just don’t think they mean anything but no matter how hard I try I can’t help but think these thoughts mean something even though I’ve been told by my therapist my dad and online therapists that they don’t. I am so worried that deep down I want to act out these thoughts and that’s why I’m thinking about them. I’m so so worried that I’m a psychopath and a disgusting person and that I need to be locked up. As soon as I wake up I worry and it only goes away for a certain amount of time and these thoughts and worries come straight back. Please tell me there’s people out there that deal with this stuff too!! I’m here for you

Please help. Does anyone have experience of the following (don't think it's a trigger)? Worrying about getting an OCD thought? The other day I was reminded about an OCD thought which I had already basically forgotten about for literally years (I was not actively worrying about it at all). I thought a very specific thought that made me remember how I worried about it before. I immediately panicked that I would get this thought again and I would start ruminating, so I did some ERP just in case. When I think about the actual thought, I'm not really worried at all, it's just like 'ok yeah that might happen, yeah ok'. But then I keep thinking 'ok I hope I don't start getting all worried like I was about that before' and worrying. So meta I know lol.

Isn't it fucked up that I would, at the age 10, put my sister's hand on my breast while she was sleeping? I have accepted my other childhood sex acts, but this one... I'm not sure how to deal with it. You cant confront someone about something they wont remember, and I've been doing research and it said this is considered to be child on child sexual abuse. I'm a monster, truly. I cant find anyone else with this specific story, and it makes me more upset.

I'm doing scripted erp based on something that I thought of when I was 13..do I say in my script I was 13 or do I have to do the script as if it happening now.

Hiya, I'm new here. I really need help with my OCD, it's gotten extremely out of control since Covid started. One of my biggest fears is pregnancy, which is absolutely wild because I'm a virgin. I've tried ignoring it on my own, but it causes me extreme distress and I start crying. It gives me physical pain in my stomach until I give into the compulsions. Every time I ignore it it feels like giving into my fate of the nonexistent baby. It's stupid and I'm sick of it. It controls most of the things I do, like I can't have anything to do with the number 9 because of it (pregnancy being 9 months) 5 too, for some reason I'm not really sure of. I've given a lot of things in my life a number. My number is 4 so I can't stand seeing numbers like 45, 49, or 54. The compulsions (if you don't do or do _______ you'll be pregnant) happens almost every time I do ANYTHING. I don't know how to ignore it without causing a mental break down every single time. I need help, please.

I’m really hoping someone’s experienced this as well, I’ve been randomly getting super super anxious about the thought of people close to me trying to molest me... it’s never happened before but I have horrible trust issues and I feel like this is my ocd trying to attack me because my family is the only people I trust, it’s a horrible feeling and I feel like I’m trying to convince myself I was molested by a family member or that they want to when They haven’t. I’m just really confused and don’t know how to To go about it.

I’m confused on ERP. It works on the assumption that the individual definitely has OCD and definitely won’t act out and all the thoughts are meaningless. But how can they be sure? ERP is literally throwing caution to the wind in the hope that you habituate and your thoughts bother you less. It sounds great for other people! I’m sure people who really have OCD have so much relief and I wish them nothing but the best. But not me. Nothing will ever tell me if I’m actually in denial, or I’m actually going to act out. I realise these are common fears but I’m so terrified, I don’t know who I am anymore and the thought of a life full of doubt is just so hard. I’m so sorry for the depressing post but I just feel like there’s not much hope for me.

Just talked to my mom about my real event OCD. Feels good to get it off my chest, but I still feel terrible about what I did

What is the correct response to intrusive thoughts? Of course I know that you must avoid compulsions but what is a good mental process? Like, 'Okay whatever', or 'It's just an OCD thought', or 'Mm Hm disregarding'. What should you kind of say mentally?

questions for everyone ?: how would you rate your self-esteem? we’re you ever bullied in school? do you consider yourself open-minded? do you feel the emotions of others? would you consider your moral standards to be high? just curious some things. sending my good energy to everyone ?

I now sometimes get scared of having children in the future. Before all this OCD horribleness, I always dreamed of having 3-4 children. It seemed like such a beautiful dream and I would love that life. Now with all of this, there’s multiple things that worry me a lot. I’m scared that My children will have a higher likelihood of developing OCD since I heard that there’s increased chances of it happening from parent to child. I also sometimes deal with intrusive sexual and harm thoughts, and I don’t want that to be directed toward my children at all. I’m also scared that I’m not or won’t be mentally stable enough to have children. I’m in therapy now and doing better than I have before, but i definitely still have struggles. It makes me worry that I won’t be well enough to have children, or that whenever I become pregnant or sometime after it will cause such an intense mental turmoil that I will have a mental breakdown and spiral. It makes me very frustrated because I want to feel and think the way I did before all of this messed me up. To dream of a beautiful family and not have these fears come and not to have these OCD themes come and create excuses for different fears.

If someone could respond to this then that would be great I think I have HOCD, this started about a year ago after I left college and just after college I become lonely and depressed however I was talking to girl online who I got really close to and really liked her and then she later became not interested and this has happened with a lot girls which I feel has has an affect on me and this made more lonely, depressed. My brother is the same and always get depressed because we are both socially awkward and want girls badly, make jokes like might be gay because girl don’t like us you know banta and one night it sunk in and I thought what if I am and from then until now all I do is get anxiety everyday on google with fail, looking for answers on the same form is same video, talking to therapist which they say ocd, paying money out looking for help, getting civics there true and I want it and really do not, still like girl but in public I see a guy I walks ask am I attracted to him and have anxiety, can’t watch certain programm on tv, gronal response if they are and dreams that I wake up and feel like I’m have a panic attack even at work where I should be working I’m on google sneakily. I’m talking to a girl and really like her and fancy her but then I get things like do I fancy her, am I lying but I dot feel Like I am pls help

How crazy the thoughts can be when you are dealing with ocd???.. Like rn i can see a photo of an lesbian cop and be scared of it...(im a boy) At this point i dont even know what im scared of to do erp for it!! Like im getting crazy stupid thoughts... Any tips on how to deal with crazy unreal thoughts??...

How do I talk to my mom about real event ocd that involves my sister? I'm scared she'll call me a rapist, or think I am one

Real Event OCD TW About that terrible sexual assault event (maybe this is a strong word, but I dont know if only "disrespect" or "physical harm" would be better) that I already post here. So as I know for now, I crealy knew that what I was doing was wrong and that I deserve punishment, even this being already forgiven and forgotten. As more day passes and as I see more news and people talking about this kind of subject, more I go into a suicidal hole again. My arm is injured due to self harm, as I believe I deserve to suffer and never be happy.

A few years ago I made the mistake of talking about my real event ocd with my little sister, the one I believe I hurt in the past. She said she doesn't remember what happened, and looked freaked out. She didnt wanna talk about it at all. Now it's been two years and I wanna bring it up again but I'm afraid it'll go the same as it did before. The only way I can see around this is by going to my mom again. She talked to my sister when it all went down because I was crying over how she'll never love me again, but she talked to her alone. Idk about what. I need to know. I need to know if I hurt her or not but she doesnt remember what happened and I read about these child on child sexual assault victims who remember when they're older and I'm afraid that's the case. Shes only 15 now and I'm 18, so idk.

I had the worst what if moment or stating it as a fact. If anyone in the comments is okay with giving me advice that would be helpful!! I’ll just tell that person what is was. I don’t want to seek for reassurance

Having a really bad day today. I’ve had moments when I think I’m just going to accept I’m gay and that I’m in denial and this relieves my anxiety for about 10 minutes and then I start crying because I don’t really want that. Has anyone found that their OCD has manipulated memories of when they were young? Like maybe they mean I was gay? I had a thought yesterday were I was like did I find my mums body arousing when I was a kid, does that mean I’m gay. ITS TERRIFYING ME. My OCD makes me feel like I’m living a lie and I just need accept that I’m gay. I’ve now lost all attraction to men and think I only find women attractive :( Does anyone’s OCD makes them want to act impulsively, like I’m just going to tell everyone I’m bisexual and break up with my boyfriend in hope that these anxieties will go away. But I don’t want that, I want to be with my boyfriend, I want to feel connected to him again. Also is anyone petrified that these thoughts will come back in future even if they get over them now? I have this horrible image of me getting over this, being fine and then having children and getting triggered and then realising I’m gay and having to come out. It makes me so scared, and that I should come out as gay now and I’ll be happy. Also did anyone do any sexual exploration as a young kid, obviously not knowing what it meant at the time and feel this must make them gay as they think they remember enjoying it? I was like 5/6 and i bully myself all the time about it. Does anyone test themselves in public or when watching a film? Like I see if I’m turned on by women and get that feeling and I can’t work out if I do or if it’s just because I’m focusing attention their. But also I look at men now and feel nothing. Do people every wonder if HOCD is even real? Do people ever get over OCD? Literally OCD is slowly ruining my life and I just want to give up.