Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I need some support and advice because I don’t have many friends left these days, and when I open up to my friend she can’t emotionally handle it and doesn’t want me to become codependent she says. I am in therapy now on BetterHelp because it’s all I can afford but I also need some further support as I’m going through a hard time. I’ve had ocd since I was 14 and had help for it. I obsess about the past a lot and try to decipher it and think of worst case scenarios. I do things like check porn sites for myself in fear of someone secretly recording me and ruining my reputation. Now I am obsessing about times I was blacked out drunk (not my best moments) Long story short I blacked out on a tour in London and woke up on the floor of a little girls room to some guy trying to do things with me. Then another guy tried to mess with me by saying “we all gang banged you last night” and other things. When I started really panicking and crying one other guy said “ok stop messing with her” but it could’ve been about other things and not about gang banging me. Even if he was joking, I cling to those words and 3 years later I am here obsessing over it. My therapist says I am delayed processing trauma and it’s not clear what happened and is trying to get me to move forward. I always try to seek reassurance. I know guys can be assholes but it’s just disturbing how people can mess with a girl like that who doesn’t remember the night before. I think I woke up with my clothes on but the one guy was no clothes and just trying to do things and I was still drunk the next morning, how creepy. Anyway now I’m terrified of going back to London I’ve developed some sort of agoraphobia. Since I was drunk into the next day the whole experience was blurry. When I try to move on from all these experiences (I have a few black out drunk crazy nights) I always panic and say no I have to be worried about this I’m too calm I’m doing myself an injustice. I feed off of other people’s reactions if I tell them I guess as reassurance. The guy could’ve been joking but it’s still highly disturbing to me thinking of the worst case scenario of a group of men taking advantage of me while blacked out. How do I just sit with uncertainty and move on? I actually had the one guys Instagram that I blocked and I unblocked him recently to send a message confronting him and saying if y’all are rapists god will punish u and if not ur sick bastards for messing with me like that. And I made some online London police report submission that didn’t come of anything because I don’t have any proof of anything. I guess it was my way to get closure. Blacking out is the worst thing for OCD and I have since cut down on drinking. But when I’m anxious and obsessing like this I get paralyzed and it affects my working, concentration, and quality of life.

So many people expected me to grow up and do great things when I was a kid but I’m almost 24 and I’m a huge disappointment to anyone who ever expected anything of me.

Just need to vent. I’m 21, and OCD hit like a truck in June. It was a small build up that finally avalanched. I remember looking up intrusive thoughts when I was around 18/19, and felt fine having these intrusive thoughts about children. But slowly over time, I started getting nervous around them. Which was funny to me because I was a babysitter for years. I never had those thoughts about children. I used to make jokes about having children (even though I don’t want to have them), but now I make those jokes and feel guilt because I’ve had those intrusive thoughts. It’s been 3/4 weeks since I’ve been dealing with POCD and I feel like the worst human alive. My intrusive thoughts are getting worse. I can’t sleep. Can barely eat. And it seems like I can’t stop crying. My mind rakes through every single interaction with children to see if I actually am this monster. It’s looking for that “gotcha” moment. The groinal responses are the worst. They’re actually driving me crazy. I know I’m not a pedo. I know I’m not sexually attracted to children. But these thoughts and worries make everything seem so real. It’s to the point where I’m scared of my thoughts and I’m scared of being alone. I’m not looking for reassurance, but I just want to know if people who have dealt with POCD can feel better. I just want to know if I’m in the spot where if gets worse before it gets better.

Hello everybody, I am Shinn and I am suffering from Relatiobship OCD. I always think excessively about my friendships and my relationship with my family is back and forth. I used to go to theraphy but when I got well I stopped it and now I am having the symtomps again and I dont wanna make my mother cry in nights so I don't tell them I need theraphy again. I am bisexual and my family is not okay with that in fact my mother was always thinking my problem was feeling different sexually rather than obsession. Lately I have discovered a new compulsion. I unconsciously make irrelevant conversations about me. I don't do it on purpose and I don't realize it unless my friends say it to me. I don't know how to stop it. Plus I feel offended by everything and I constantly hve problems about this with my friends. Because of my family relationships, I always would talk to my friends and share my feelings with them. But now I am shivering when I think of losing them. I don't wanna be alone and I don't wanna be left alone because my childhood was filled with people excluding and discriminating me. Its pretty much it, if i remember or realize something new I intend to post about it. I wanna get well soon and be there for my friends again.

I’m so tired of dealing with this everyday. I know we’re supposed to fight this but I just can’t i don’t want to die but at the same time I don’t want to go on living like this ocd has changed me for the worse I’m a horrible person now I can’t go a day without thinking I’m going to hell or thinking of harming myself because of guilt I know it won’t change anything but I feel like I deserve it. To me harming myself is a punishment for being a horrible person I hate these thoughts I hate being around my family while having terrible thoughts every action I do now equals doing something gross and I can’t tell if it’s true or not and to me not being certain and continuing doing that act means I’m actually doing it and it’s just skskmsmsks

I’m too the point where I’m so far gone I don’t even have any anxiety about accepting being gay anymore it’s like it’s stuck with me now, I notice dudes more than I do girls now and it’s so strange cause my whole life I thought I was a straight I was girl crazy literally this time last year and now it just faded away I’d do anything to just go back savior those moments of me being normal again, ERP doesn’t work cause I don’t even get anxious at the thoughts anymore I just feel like this is something a 16 year old shouldn’t go through if they weren’t meant to be gay. I’m totally convinced I’m gay, I’m totally convinced I’ve been living a lie my whole life I can remember how I use to feel about girls I fell in love with, and I can’t fall in love now either. I can’t masturbate without intrusive thoughts I’m actually starting to enjoy and now it’s like I have no motivation to get better at all. I feel depressed and feel like an exception to this HOCD don’t even think I had it in the first place I use to find women mesmerizing and now I can’t even find out why I liked them in the first place and the fact that it doesn’t give me anxiety like it use to scares me. I’ve had this for 4-5 months and I don’t even know what to do now I’m probably just in denial or in the closet.

hi all I am particularly struggling today because as I mentioned in a post before, that my boyfriend and I broke up because of reasons I had anxiety about during the end of our relationship. he’s going through a lot with family, and told me he started self harming again. I want to respect his space right now, but I also can’t stop wanting to reach out to him because I have this fear that him not responding means he’s killed himself. we spoke a few days ago and one of the last things I mentioned to him was wanting to get some of his things back to him, not trying to hurt his feelings but I just get sad whenever I look at his stuff. we haven’t spoken since, and I can’t seem to stop my compulsions from the worry that I have that he’s dead. if anyone wants to weigh in, I’d appreciate it. I’m not sure what the best thing for me to do is now for his safety and the logistics of returning his things.

Confused if I am settling with my boyfriend because of my abandonment issues and hatred of being single and alone, or if it’s my ocd making me overthink? I do wonder if I can put up with certain issues sometimes. like the fact he shares dogs with his awful ex - but I had to give my cats to my mother as he asked me to move in but doesn’t want them there too? I feel like I have a hole in my heart now and I resent his dogs. It’s been nearly 7 months and I miss them dearly even though I know they’re spoiled rotten ? He met me when I had them, asked me to move in, then during lockdown developed a drink problem and kept being verbally abusive and telling me to “get the fuck out” etc. Thankfully I still had my flat and after months of it I left which made him wake up and get help. He’s doing well now and very ashamed of himself and very sweet again. I still don’t intend to give up my flat yet but I also feel I can’t stay in it alone either. I’m terribly afraid of being single and I worry he will dump me if I don’t spend more time with him again? Ocd or real life? Can’t tell anymore. Don’t know whether to get my cats back and stay in my flat and not bother moving to his officially now

Okay I really really need some help!! Please anyone. Someone said that even if you have ROCD your partner can still not be the one for you because maybe you’re not compatible. They also said that your partner can be an amazing person and make you feel appreciative but is just not the one for you... appreciating someone and being grateful for having them is different than loving them. This completely scared me. They also said that people that stay with their partner then they fall out of love usually are only staying with them because they are living through memories or they fear being alone and I am TERRIFIED this is me. I love looking back on memories and times when I felt happy with my bf even when I’m feeling down. I have also always been someone that doesn’t like being alone but I have friends and family too. I feel like crying and crying because hearing this has been hard on me. Any advice on how to handle this?

Im doing research about high functioning autism and I feel like I'm reading about myself. Interesting fact is that high functioning autism occurs very othen with OCD.

Hi everyone. I hope you’re all well. Thanks for the space in the community ?? I’ve been diagnosed with OCD in the past month. For the past 2 years, I’ve had obsessive thoughts related to religion, existentialism, health, numbers, and harm. I have mainly mental compulsions, and a few related to numbers. In the past week, the harm thoughts have got out of hand. I want to share the particular thoughts I’ve had recently, but I’m worried that these are not normal, or not OCD. I’m worried that I’m going act out on these, or that it’s actually want I want to do. I’m scared I’ll be judged. I didn’t want these thoughts, but I worry that it’s happened because of my past mistakes and negative emotions. They feel horrible. At the moment, the anxiety is there, but I feel more numb and depressed. I‘m doubting whether I’ve lost emotion or insight, as it’s becoming harder to rationalize. Before I share the thoughts in a separate post, I’d like to ask: 1. How bad, in terms of thought content, can OCD get? 2. Does anyone else question whether it’s something worse than OCD? 3. Is it normal to feel numb and low after feeling anxious, by OCD? 4. Does anyone take Escitalopram (Lexapro) for their OCD? Any help or conversation would be much appreciated

What kid of mental and physical compulsions do you guys do ?

Would excessive intrusive thoughts of harm be considered harm ocd, even if you don’t do anything?

Im honestly exhausted. Ive had 4 panic attacks in the last 48hrs and all I wanna do is sleep. My thoughts have worsened and they say I "want" to hurt my son when I truly don't. My son is with his father in another state right now and is due back in Sept. Im honestly so freaked out. I have horrible images and I just want them to go away. I picture myself carrying out horrible acts. My ocd finishes my sentences and brkngs attention back to my thoughts when im thinking something positive. I hate this so much.

TW: suicidal OCD discussion This is my main theme, alongside existential OCD and a few other minor ones. It comes at you from a variety of angles but one I have is when I heard the news and see that some celebrity or notable person has committee suicide, it strikes a fear in me and I have to read why they did it because I don’t understand, as well as making comparisons on if we are similar or not to make sure I won’t ever do that. Which leads to a similar topic that I don’t know the answer to and have to learn to live with uncertainty: it scares me beyond belief how it could just happen at anytime anywhere if the person wanted to. It could be related to how you never know if you’ll get into a car accident or be at a place where a shooting happens, but you don’t know if that’s gonna happen you just hope and pray it doesn’t. But I can’t even begin to fathom the reasonings and accessibility of suicide. It’s like it’s a constant threat to your life no matter where you go, it’s terrifying!! I think that’s one of the huge things on why I hate everything about the topic of suicide and have this form of OCD, it could just happen like that. I can’t even look at words such as “committed” or “attempted” without my brain being like ALERT! Disclaimer as well that this is just suicidal OCD, I love life and want to live, but this theme threatens you otherwise like any other theme.

What are your dreams/goals in life?

REMINDER TO NOT GOOGLE. THIS IS FOR GIRLS WHO HAVE ALREADY LOOKED THIS UP. Have you read up on comphet? When my HOCD first blew up, and I didn't know it was HOCD, I freaked out and read a list of comphet symptoms. That list *seriously* messed me up on my HOCD journey. (again, do not google this.) For those girls who have read what I've read--can I just complain for a sec?? that list is totally horrible! it feels like you just need to be a *little* neurodivergent with daddy issues/trauma associated with men (like me) and you can relate to nearly the whole damn list! NOWHERE on there is there a disclaimer about hocd! it's dangerous for people like me who are now fucked up forever because they didn't bother to be a little more clear.

I'm so sorry... But Is it possible to think that you may have done something wrong even if you don't remember? (child abuse is what scares me right now)

Question - I’m sure alcohol triggers a lot of anxieties for people especially that day after feeling. What are things you do to help with the ruminating thoughts the day after socially/ drinking more than usual?

I'm convinced there's no beating HOCD. I just want to give up. I have no fight left in me anymore.