Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Does anyone have any tips for sharing a room with others? I start college next year, and I’m nervous about having a roommate and dealing with perfectionism compulsions.

Can someone name some common rocd thoughts please?

Also this may not be ocd related, I’m not really sure. Talking to my friend, we are both 23. I asked them if they ever still feel like a teenager. And they said not really. Sometimes but not really. They talked about how they finally wanna figure out what they should do with their life. I got just, really scared. I have this existential dread as I get older and tho 23 is young I still feel old. I involuntarily age regress to a younger age and I guess I feel alone in that. Even my friends still feel like kids or teens to me but they’re all adults. It’s hard to remember. I’m also just sad and scared because like, I’m scared I won’t be able to go trick or treating anymore soon. Have sleepovers. I’m afraid my friends will all get married and live their own lives. I’m trying to work on these deep issues in therapy but even when I talk it through with my therapist I feel hopeless about it because it’s all things out of my control. I fear of being alone. I don’t want to get married, I don’t like romance, I don’t want kids. But I still want to be apart of a family. People I go home to every day and feel that security and safety and permanence I felt as a child. A lot of my adulthood even in hs has been nothing but trauma and bad things so that’s what I associate adulthood with. Add that with everything else I am just a mess of a human being. I’m scared my friends despite being my age are all too old for me. Like they’re all moving on and I’m stuck behind. I’m scared my parents are old and my mother has Alzheimer’s and I get intrusive thoughts about them leaving all the time. I replace my trauma from 4 years ago with instead of my grandmother my intrusive thoughts make it my parents. It hurts. I have trouble caring for myself and I’m trying my best I really am. I just want to be loved by a parental figure and I’m scared of that going away. I just do not want to be alone. Trauma, OCD, Depression, BPD, possible autism. All of these things. I’m trying to navigate it all. I’m just tired. I feel really alone and it feels like no one understands. People don’t understand sometimes my brain just goes back to 2006 as a way to protect me. People don’t get it. And my ex best friend of 10 years leaving me last year bc of me doing a bunch of shitty things has hurt bc she felt like that familial love to me. It’s my fault she walked away. I just hate how ocd and bpd combined make me obsess about her even after almost a year later. I’m scared everyone will leave me eventually. That’s just how life is. Everyone will go home to their own families and who will I go home to eventually? Room mates that are just friends who can leave any time once they get their lives together? Idk. My mind is just going 100 miles a minute. Sorry I just needed to vent. I needed to get it all out I guess. This is such a long post. I feel weird today. Nothing ever feels right anymore.

I don't know :( ..... there's just too much evidence and the urges feel so damn real. im so convinced at this point that i don't even know what i ACTUALLY want. even if i say i want boys, "what if i don't?" appears and my chest tightens

So I have HOCD, along with ROCD and perfectionism. I am 25 and I believe the onset was roughly when I was 12-13. I struggled with intrusive thoughts about the same sex (however filed them under the “everyone gets them” until my brain said “maybe you are gay”) and being an athletic person who was involved in team sports with the same gender made it even harder. I went away from team sports when I was 16. All my life I had bullying at school and at home about being gay because I wasn’t like my older brother, because I didn’t like to get hurt, because I liked performing arts and because I liked having females as friends. I was interfered with by my next door neighbour who was a male as I thought it was “just what friends do”. The intrusive thoughts continued however it made it hard. I was in two serious relationships where my ocd attached itself to and it made it hard. Now my brain uses it as evidence of that I am gay and opposite sex relationships is a waste of time because I’ll just come out as gay and waste their time. My attraction to women has gone both romantic and aesthetic attraction and my brain convinces me I never had it. Like I can’t remember what it feels like. I was exposed to porn very young and escalated to finding same sex “gay” porn arousing at first I didn’t like it but I habitualise myself to it, which turned into an addiction (I struggle to stop) which also messes me up more. Now I’m 25 all my friends are settling down and having families and I am still battling what I hope is HOCD. I question whether it is even hocd or whether it is just me in denial. I’ve tried accepting the thoughts but I couldn’t so I settled for bi because “it’s the best of both worlds” and I don’t have to act on my gay intrusive thoughts. Though the intrusive thoughts are with every male that I see. I am honestly feeling lost and don’t know what to do. I know reassurance is bad but someone help a OCD brother out. It’s my first time posting.

Shoudl I apologize for something I did when I was younger? I've posted about it before-- my sister was sleeping, and I put her hand in my breast. I was 10, she was 7 or 6. I feel like I should go to jail for what I did. A part of me even wants to convince my therapist that I did something wrong. I deserve to be punished, I feel like. Too many mistakes and slip ups in the past. How do I move on from mistakes that happened that hurt other people?

I feel like my POCD is getting out of hand. Not only am I having thoughts daily. But anything that is associated with children (colors, toys, or clothing) I get immediate triggers, intrusive thoughts, false feelings of attraction. I sometimes even feel like I'm a pedophile because of the way these thoughts make me feel. I'm worried since I no longer show the thoughts emotion, it means that I'm becoming what I fear to become. Help me.

I don't know if this is a normal ocd thing, but I'll have a disturbing thoughts sometimes and I'll know they are horrible but sometimes all I feel is higher anxiety and not the disgusted feeling I should.

I can’t stop checking for myself on porn sites. I’ve never been blackmailed and I’ve never had proof of anyone secretly taping me, but since it does happen to people all the time, I always fear someone planted a hidden camera in the past or maybe I was black out drunk and was filmed. When I get relief from one check I’ll think of another word or combo of words with my name or a description and I feel another urge to check. Sometimes I go weeks without checking and then I’ll just remember randomly and get the urge again. When it’s really bad I go for like an hour checking. It’s horrible. I know it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack, but i always think I’m gonna find something or I need to dig deeper and on more pages to find it. Then seeing what’s actually on the porn sites makes it worse. There are so many people being taped without knowing. There are so many “hidden camera” videos. So disturbing.

I feel like a monster, how can I debate thoughts that say I'd hurt my pets or loved ones? I don't deserve them at all.

#harmocd This is the most uncomfortable sensation in the entire world. It first started with me having a random thought of “I could hurt my dog so many ways right now” I instantly felt this weight on my chest and internal distress that I cannot explain. Now, I feel uncomfortable being around my boyfriend of 7 years because I feel that I will really hurt him although I know I won’t. It is an internal battle that Is absolutely crippling. I can’t help but question “Am I really a psychopath? Do I really want to kill my boyfriend?” Just writing this I feel crazy. I even catch myself caressing him and touching him more just to assure myself that I won’t hurt him. I feel like this is taking over my life. I wake up with immediate anxiety without any thoughts. I feel more anxiety then I even do the thoughts and If I forget for a split second, it rushes back to the surface and I am crippled again. Can anyone please share some advice. I can’t take this.

I need someone to calm me down. I was reading an article about a celebrity pedophile and the accusations against him by his daughter. When I read outloud to the person I was with, what his daughter said he did I got a really heavy groinal response. Different to any other that I've ever had. I want to die. I don't want to be a gay pedophile. Please help.

Who knows that you have OCD?

TW pedophilia I know you lot aren’t professionals, but I need serious advice. In the past I would imagine myself doing sexual things with a teenager to see how I would feel and generally I would go “ew no”, but now it feels like I would. I’m worried that I would do things with a teenager when just a few days ago I would have told my brain that I absolutely would not because I’m not attracted to them. I know false attraction is a thing. I feel like my brain has taken “pedophiles feel good about their pedophilia and since you experience anxiety about it you don’t” and made it into “now you don’t feel anxiety and maybe you’d enjoy it”. I don’t want this. It fee unrealistic that I would make such a 180 in under 24 hours, but I feel convinced that I am a pedophile. I don’t know what to do and my appointment isn’t until the week after next. I just want some insight to see if anyone has heard of this phenomena or experienced it themselves.

Really long lost but I’d really appreciate if someone could take time for me. Can’t tell if ROCD making me overthink or not Am I wrong for wanting my cats back? My bf asked me to move in 6 months ago but said I can’t bring my cats, but he won’t stop sharing dogs with his ex. But now I’m growing resentful and depressed and want them back from my mom. I’m 27 f and he’s 40. It’s a complex set up anyway, he owns a business with his ex, and they share these two dogs. They live with her, but he sees them every day at their work because the dogs go there without fail. he can walk them whenever in the day too as he’s his own boss. When we first met about 18months ago, he hadn’t long split with her. They still lived together! And he was searching for a new place when we were just getting to know each other. She’s been total garbage too. She’s a narcissist, really manipulative and showed up at his new house a few times and texts him a lot. she threatened to brick his window once, attacked him at work, and she even phoned him once knowing I was there with him, declaring that “he said he still loves her” (he didn’t, I was there the day she claims he said that on the phone for work during lockdown) They do not want to be together (she’s having an affair with a married man) but she’s still annoying as hell. She used to be verbally emotionally and physically abusive towards him during their relationship too, just for context. When he asked me to move in 6 months ago, he said “maybe we should live together, we get on so great! But can the cats live with your mother? I can’t have them here” and stupidly I agreed because I assumed he wouldn’t be around his ex and the dogs forever, SPECIFICALLY because at times when she would attack him in their place of work (really) he would text me to say “f-ck this I’ll get a normal job and I’ll EVEN stop seeing those dogs to be away from that evil f-king b-tch” etc etc so I took it seriously. Plus I don’t really think it’s realistic to co parent a pet with an ex, but that’s just me. When I split with my ex a few years ago I kept the cats, and we had a clean break, but now I have to sacrifice my pets but he refuses to stop having the dogs? Even though he sees them at work everyday? I have said a few times I miss my cats dearly, I already had my own apartment and both my cats settled with me when we met, but he still lived with his ex and dogs THEN moved to his own place. I don’t think it’s fair to say “I want you but leave them behind?” When I have said before I miss them so so much (and secretly it’s making me really upset and anxious) he’s like “I’m not having cats here. Plus they smell. Your apartment always smells awful.” (Because they’re indoor cats, but can go outside on a leash) But he says “as long as those dogs are alive I’m not giving them up.” During the lockdown he developed a drink problem too and he’s getting help now thank god. But the cats came up in conversation once and he was like “well go back to your apartment then.” Then he threw a glass at the wall and scared the hell out of me. I’m too scared to bring it up really because he almost downplays it to me too? “Oh what’s more important? Progressing in a relationship, or petting your cats for the next 15 years? We’ll just go back to dating until they all die then” and he’s also told me that I’ll look back on this when I’m with “Dave from *insert rough area here* and his 5 kids and ex still on the scene and think this was NOTHING” He brought up having children with me one day, when things were ok, and I said “well your priorities would HAVE to change then, you can’t have your ex around causing issues I’m definitely not going through pregnancy with her demanding you have the dogs so she can freely go fuck the married man?” (there’s too many other issues she caused to mention this is already longer than I planned) Since he’s doing better now, his ex is “allowing” him to see the dogs again now she’s not “fearing for them and she can trust him again” due to him getting help ? he won’t stop talking about them and it makes me bristle, because those dogs are the reason I can’t see my beloved cats. I called my mom crying yesterday and she said she has always felt bad about me giving them to her, and I can have them back any time I want to. But now I feel extremely guilty because now my FAMILY are attached to them too now, but they know I’m not doing it on purpose and I am extremely upset by the entire thing. My family assumed this was a temporary solution too when he mentioned me moving in but he’s shown no signs of compromise at all. I did move my stuff back to my apartment about 3 weeks ago because when he was drinking heavily and being horrible to me, name calling using exes against me, throwing me out then begging me not to go etc, he even locked me out once, then said I must have locked it? But I would be able to UNLOCK it then!! I finally had enough anyway, and disappeared back to my apartment. But we have been seeing each other more again since his therapy started. He was saying it was the wake up call he needed because he doesn’t want to lose me, but now he’s being weird with me when I mention I also miss MY pets too! All he’s done lately is send me photos of his dogs, mention his dogs when the conversation has nothing to do with his dogs, walk them every other day (meaning going to his ex’s house to collect the dogs too) phoning me telling me they’re tangling him up, and it’s all annoying the shit out of me because if I mention my cats it’s like it’s meh nothing. Or he’ll tell me to “go home” and get them, yet he still wants me to think of his house as my home? when we drive past “his old house” (his narcissist ex gf’s house) he slows down to check if his “pooches” are in the window and he refers to any cute animal he sees that isn’t even a dog as “awww looks like my dog!!!” I feel like he’s rubbing salt in my wounds. then he claims “you hate my dogs” when I have to pretend to not notice he is revving up the gushing over them. He also likes to show me photos of them as puppies where his ex is in the photos and reminisce about them when he first got them - I wasn’t there Ffs, his ex was!!! so I can’t relate and I don’t like it. I never do that to him it feels insensitive ? Thing is, I had full time pets in my own place when we met, he told me he wouldn’t share the dogs forever so it made me think it was a temporary solution- but it obviously isn’t? He even says he wouldn’t want his dogs full time, just once or twice a week because they annoy him after a day or two. Plus his ex wouldn’t agree to give them up anyway. I nearly gave up my apartment to live with him, thank god I didn’t! I hate going there now though it’s empty and lonely and I see their kitty toys and I cry ? Yesterday I said I was gonna get them back from my mom as it’s eating me alive, and he’s been weird with me ever since. I confront him, and he denies he’s in a mood. But I think he is? I don’t know. Then this morning he barely had much time to talk to me as he was sorting himself out and preparing chicken for his dogs and was like “right I’m off then I’ll bring them back here later too” I just feel like I have to put up with his psycho ex, his dogs, give up my cats and deal with my sadness over them all alone, while he can freely boast about having his dogs at his beck and call? His argument is “you haven’t given them up, you can still see your cats at your moms. Plus I just INVITED you to live with me” but she lives an hour away, where as his work is literally 3 mins walk away and he sees them EVERY DAY by default. TLDR been with my boyfriend 18 months, I had my own place and two adorable kitties, he still lived with his ex and their dogs when we met. He found a new house, asked me to move in but rejects my cats, but made me and my family think it was temporary as a “solution” because he claimed one day he wouldn’t have anything to do with his mental ex anyway. he outrightly refuses to stop sharing dogs with his ex even though he still sees them every single day at their joined owned business which is 3 mins walk away, but I would have to drive an hour to my moms specifically to see my cats. He talks about his dogs non stop and they treat them like children they never had, but I can’t bring up my pets without being met with moody behaviour or being told to “go home then” I feel like my feelings aren’t as important as his, neither are my pets either. It doesn’t sit right with me. I also worry I’ll either have to just put up with his ex and her dogs, or risk never finding anyone else in future because what if they don’t like my cats either? I don’t want to be alone ?

Jeez, I tried making an erp script in my head tonight to get ahead of ocd. I had an absurd thought I harmed my child. A little later I deliberately thought, "yeah, I harmed him " and I imagined the horrible act. Then he came back and i hugged him and told him I loved him so much. then I did the same script in my head again, but it was more graphic, and I worried I liked the thought. Then I went upstairs and hugged and kissed my kids goodnight. then I was consumed with doubt. Did my deliberate thinking cause me to harm them? Isn't it just nasty to pretend I love my kids after thinking those thoughts deliberately? Do I like those kinds of thoughts? I talked to someone about my fears, but I started ruminating. Then I had an even more graphic version of the thought. I had a compulsion to check my groin but I resisted it. Now I'm just sitting with the anxiety. But rather than affirming ocd thoughts (agreeing that I did the feared act) or imagining the feared act and its consequences, I think I shall stick to saying "whatever, I don't know" and just continuing to act like dad despite whatever I'm thinking or feeling or fearing.

Hello... OCD fighter... i really want to know... What is the actual reason of having Ocd? Wht do u think?

Please respond. I'm freaking out again of me being a pedophile. I liked someone who is 4 or 5 years younger than me. By the time i was 18, she was 14. I don't know why I liked her. She was just very nice and pretty. Does this make me a pedophile? She also likes me but luckily, it never went to a relationship. We spoke about it and we agreed upon the fact that we wait when she turns 18. I really doubt if I liked her because of her potential to become a pretty lady, or that I'm actually attracted to children...

I need some serious help and I don't start treatment until the 20th and my therapist is on vacation. My thoights have gotten so much worse, to the point that I think they warrant me getting reported. I don't wanna harm/kill anyone but my thoughts make it seem like Im a psychopath who does have a plan. I had to call the suicide hotline to make sure I didn't do anything. Id rather be locked up than to harm anyone. But just thinking of me failing at being a good mom to my son is what crushes me. Ive had panic attack after panic attack and Ive cried so much I just can't cry anymore. Im numb and disgusted with myself. I wish this was all just a nightmare

Hi guys, I would really appreciate it if you could help me with this problem/question. For the past two days I've been trying to use a different approach than before, by avoiding rumination and analysing my thoughts, feelings, sensations and urges, as I've realised that I need to change the way I live (I, of course, still feel that I don't deserve to be treated with love and respect, or that I deserve any sort of help and kindness from people surrounding me, but I'm forcing myself to think in a different way). However, there's one thing (well, not really, there's a million of them but for now this is the one that matters the most) that is being a negative factor in my recovery (if I can call it that). I can't seem to get rid of the feeling of disgust when I am overwhelmed by really unpleasant thoughts, feelings and urges. They stay with me for a very long time and, because of that, I can't avoid questioning myself or trying to understand what they mean by ruminating. For example, earlier my brother and I were being affectionate to each other and then I had a really, really disgusting thought combined with strong sensations, and also with the 'I want to do it' thing/feeling. After it happend, the whole 'experience' stayed with me for another 20 minutes or so. During those 20 minutes, I still was able to feel the same intensity of the thought and sensations, and the feeling/thought of wanting to act on them was even stronger. I have really tried not to figure out what it all means, as well as to acknowledge that the feelings of guilt, disgust and shame were/are there and that there was/is no need to interpret them in any way, but I just can't seem to do it and move on. I would like to know your opinions about this. How do you live with the feelings of disgust, shame and guilt? Do you know any tips on how to avoid letting it affect you in a very bad, negative way? Thank you for reading this, and I really hope it makes sense.