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I’ve gotten bad again. I feel so alone and I’m so depressed. No one in my family cares no one gives a fuck And when I cry they just tell me to shut up or they tell me to stop being dramatic or cut it out. I hate myself, like I hate everything about myself my mind, my body. I keep thinking things would be better if I wasn’t here, everyone would be better, I wouldn’t just be a pain In the ass. I feel worthless. Nothing I do ever ends up meaning shit. No one notices or cares.

I am sharing this because I need an outlet. I have harm ocd, and a little bit of religious ocd. That’s the summery. To really explain that, I have harm ocd, where I worry about hurting others, through violent thoughts and impulses/urges, pedo ocd, where I worry about being attracted to children and or doing something sexually inappropriate to them, and the religious part of my ocd focuses on wether or not God is real, wether I really exist, wether my life is a simulation or something, whether I’m destined to do something horrible in said simulation , yada yada yada. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd for about 2 and a half years now, and these years have been hell. There were still a lot of good parts of those two and half years, but it often gets out weighed by all of the stress that comes with this disorder. Sometimes I feel so dogged with stress, panic and uncertainty that I feel like Giving up. I Understand that everyone’s ocd is unique and with this comes challenges, but I am just so bent out of shape trying to function. I am on medicine (150 mg of sertraline). My ocd often mixes together creating a huge clusterfuck of anxiety doubt and dread. I have gotten a little better, and am still learning to live/cope with my situation. I know everyone on here struggles. I’m not here to convince you that I am in a more difficult place than you, I am just simply having a really rough time. I just want the basic things that people desire. I want a decent paying job, love, A strong and healthy faith(I’m catholic) and I just want to be a good person. My ocd originally stems from a mistake I made as a kid. I was about 14 when I made said mistake, and 16 when I realized that I should not have done what I did. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t rape anyone, I would never do something so horrible.(funny as here I am posting , searching for reassurance lol) But what I did was wrong enough for me to eventually realize that I had fucked up. It haunts me everyday and I am ashamed. As I am catholic, I confessed what I had done to a priest. Hell I literally went to two separate priests for closure. They both told me to forgive myself and move on. I even told my mother, who told me the same thing. I’m just trying to give some background and understanding of my situation to anyone still reading. My ocd stems from me not wanting to even remotely do even something close to what I did when I was younger. This is spiraled into worrying about hurting others through violence, worrying about being a pedophile, worrying about hurting others sexually like touching someone inappropriately, rape, hell I even freak out if I get a groinal response near other people. I just feel that I am so fucked up in my head it’s overwhelming. I’m 18 now and just recently graduated high school, amidst this shit fest of a pandemic(covid), which has also played into my ocd. Sorry for such a long post, but I needed to vent. I am quite knowledgeable about this disorder now, but I am still met with tons of daily challenges and stress, as I’m sure all of you are as well.If anyone needs to talk maybe about thier problems I would love to listen. God bless and all of you STAY STRONG ?.

*Sexual theme* kind of awkward topic, but im going to see if anyone else can relate, maybe talk about it or if I could hear someone else's experiences. I know this is a really strange question but I am trying to work things out in my head and this emotion I am feeling and if anyone else gets what I mean because it is not the same as a shame feeling, its different. I feel a little vulnerable about this but here it goes. Its kinda linked to other problems I have and im trying to recognise these emotions so I can try to address them before the feeling gets overwhelming, but I'm going to try and keep things simple. I cant work out whether its my ptsd or my ocd that is the route cause to these emotions. I think they both don't help one another, however i was wondering if anyone has any advice or similar experiences they could share with me. When something sexual happens, or whenever I get sexual thoughts, images or memories, i get this feeling of disgust, its not like shame, its different, where like you just feel wrong in so many ways and like uncomfortable. Does anyone else get what im trying to say or anything similar? Like I sometimes describe it as scratchy feeling, like I need to swallow alot, like uncomfortable disgusting wrong feeling and it can fully overwhelm me and i cant shake it off like sick to my stomach and when I'm feeling this way, any interaction with someone makes me feel even wronger because I feel like errrr wrong, makes me want to like curl up inside. Whenever I try to explain it, people just can't seem to grasp what I'm trying to describe. I know that probably sounds like gibberish, sorry it was so long.

My sister abused me when I was 6 years old. When she was confronted with a simple question of " do you recall..." She blows up. When I all I wanted was a simple conversation. She calls me delusional, master of manipulation, board on line sociopath, tells me I need to Google a mental health illness called pathological liar and a demon who she doesn't want her kids to be around. She said I'm no longer welcomed in her home or in her space. Thank god my mom and my older sister support. My brother who didn't who didn't know about the abuse but knew something was going on use to protect me take me places and tell me how one day I'll be big enough to beat her up and she'll never pick on me again. Is mutual in this situation, but told me and my mom that we need to stop "picking on her because she just has a baby and she's postpartum". I get being mutual but that just hurt me so bad. Because when I little I saw him as a protector when noone else did. I know I shouldn't but I feel betrayed. Does postpartum give her a pass? The crazy thing is after the abuse I idolized my sister I wanted to be her sooo bad and have her approval on everthing. I still did up to this point. Now I work towards not wanting it. But its so hard. I just don't understand what going on with me right now. Sorry for the long read and hopefully it makes sense but I'm just extremely hurt rn. God be with me

Will you please share what your ERP homework is this week? Feel free to go into as much or as little detail as you like.

does anyone have anything to say about this: growing up i would always talk to myself. always. mainly because i was an only child and my parents didn’t try to entertain me. so i resulted in entertaining myself consistently. over time i’ve developed a branch of psychosis, called maladaptive daydreaming. i’ve had this for over 3 years now. back when i first found out what it was, there were many things people would say it was connected to; OCD, ADHD, depression, and schizophrenia. back then i didn’t think i had any of that, nor did i care. i just knew i had MDD, and i was okay with that. now, it feels like i have all of it and more. i hate self diagnosing, at least for myself, but i really hope i do not develop schizophrenia.. or.. i hope i do not have it already.

Christians with OCD- I feel like I’ve been getting signs saying I should abandon all secular media and potentially leave behind much of my family and friends to live a more “holy” life and leave behind “worldly culture” , I struggle to identify this as OCD as I’m scared it’s just me trying to avoid the “hard truths” that I just don’t want to face. What if God is sending me all these signs (admittedly through tiktok mostly) and I just brush them off as OCD because they make me feel bad? Anyone else experience this?

Real event OCD: I feel so much shame over the past and fear the past will come to haunt me. I’m afraid to date and be rejected. I’ve been taken advantage of in the past, my last relationship was with a narcissist who I found out later was married with 2 kids and older than he said he was. 3 years ago I was in debt and sick of being screwed over by guys and my cousin gave me the idea of trying a sugar daddy site to date more mature men who can be my mentor and help me pay off my debt and said lots of girls do it. I was just exploited and used for sex in motel rooms and a bar basement. I would just never mention it again but I’m afraid maybe I’ll date someone who is related to these people or knows them, or maybe they secretly recorded me and have video evidence of me in the act. I was raised to be a virgin before marriage and I just went on a rebellious spree for years. Now I’m stuck with shame and anxiety. My ex would bring my past up in fights and say “how could I marry you”. I feel like I don’t deserve love and I am worthless. I always feel the need to confess my past for reassurance and in case it comes back to haunt me. I feel like I’ll never find a good guy and I don’t deserve a good guy.

what would you do if everyone you knew and loved turned against you? even the people who didn’t know you? would you move countries? would you accept defeat?

I’m so scared that cause I was in the background of a photo it was bad and all my friends are gonna hate me and my I’ll loose my boyfriend i don’t know how to convince myself it won’t happen

I’ve been having a really hard time with SOOCD or more known as HOCD . I’ve always supported people who were apart of the lgbtq and am a firm believer of love is love , no matter who it is . But ever since a few weeks ago I’ve been in total distress over my sexuality . I’ve always been attracted to guys ...every day I was thinking of this one particular guy who still has my heart , he makes me happy and thinking about him always made my day better whether it’d be seeing him again or sexually . But then boom I’m suddenly questioning my sexuality . For weeks I lived in fear that I was changing . Then I found out there was an actual disorder for it . I’ve been trying to better myself but the more I expose to it the more anxiety it brings on . I tried some erp exercises last night and it made me extremely calm ( note : I’m never ever extremely calm) and it freaked me out to the point where I cried for hours because I felt like I was accepting that my life is now this false reality . I just want to feel like myself again . But all I feel is confusion on whether or not I’m straight- bi- gay . It sounds awful to say but I don’t want to be gay . I don’t want to live my life with someone of the same sex . I long for my boy ...my guy . I want to marry him and spend my life with him . But my thoughts constantly keep destroying me . I feel like it’s tearing me apart and destroying me . They say not to use your compulsions but it feels so good to . Accepting that I could possibly be that terrifies me since I’ve always been 100% about my sexuality . I just want to be me , I just want to be with the man of my dreams without all of this coming in and taking over . I won’t allow it .

*vent and extreme sh trigger!!!* i dont understand. i have NOTHING against the lgbt community. if i WAS gay there would be NO problem with me 'coming out'. i know that everyone i know would support me and no one would care. i literally have zero issues or problems with gay people either and am an ally to the lgbtq community to so i know this cant be internalised homophobia but it feels so fucking real. I've taken every sexuality quiz on the internet and they all say im straight. i HATE the idea of having sex with a girl, but my mind says i want it. it makes things up in my past that NEVER happened and makes me feel like i was 'gay' all along. TMI but ive never been turned on by a girl, but i have been for guys. when im horny i want to be with a guy. i have absolutely zero interest in being with a girl but my FUCKING MIND IS DRIVING ME NUTS. my brain tries to convince me i want all of this. i dont. now i feel like thinking a girl is pretty means im gay! i have never felt anything when looking at a pretty girl other than 'omg shes so pretty!' or like 'i wish i looked like that' and now my brain has twisted that into thinking I'm in love with her or something :( i lost most of my attraction to boys and my libido has gone ⬇️⬇️. this is HELL. i try to accept every thought but it makes nothing better. i dont even research anymore. i dont even know if this is even ocd. my mind tells me it isn't and that im just gay, my therapist tells me its ocd. who knows. i dont even have a PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE BEING GAY. it's just with me. it doesnt feel right. i dont want it. **EXTRENE TRIGGER WARNING** read with care please, i dont want to trigger anyone.... i find myself being pissed off way more often recently, for like no reason. like my mum was shouting at me and i just burst into tears and when she left i was literally FILLED with so much self hatred and anger that i got a plastic box and hit myself in the head with it so hard that the plastic cracked down the middle. and when i went downstairs there was a metal skewer that i started carving lines into my arm with until it broke out into hives. I've NEVER done anything like that before in my life. and i nearly wrote a s**cide note recently too. i didn't though. i decided to paint my nails instead. they're ugly and i hate them but at least i didn't do it. i think im going crazy. i dont really know what to do anymore. i hope i gave enough warnings about triggers.

Anyone have any advice to help with groinal responses and gain my full attraction to girls back? Please let me know!Help!

What are you grateful for today ☺?

TW!!!! I don't know why but this post was deleted. Maybe the NOCD think I'm a pedo I didn't go to a psychologist, what if I have the same thing? I was never diagnosed with OCD. (Information from website!!! Sometimes the attraction is expressed compulsively, patients may turn to psychiatrists in connection with complaints of obsessive sexual orientation towards children and adolescents, which is especially activated after drug and alcohol intoxication. The struggle against pedophilic orientation can manifest itself as symptoms of depression. The patient is under 30 years old. I contacted him in connection with complaints of low mood and suicidal thoughts. During a detailed conversation, however, it turned out that about a year ago, pedophile fantasies appeared, initially in dreams, and then in the daytime. Imagines the appearance of a boy with short pants, with whom he enters into a sexual relationship. To combat these thoughts and fantasies, he tried to lead a promiscuous heterosexual sex life, mechanically masturbated, and consumed alcohol. However, this did not help for long, the fantasies again forcibly invaded and finally led him to suicidal ideas. Fantasies are stimulated by children who are seen on the streets, images of TV series, magazine products. Collected these images, but then destroyed them. The condition returned to normal after behavioral therapy.)

I’m thinking of trying weed edibles, but I wanted to ask if anyone here had tried them? What were your experiences like? I’m just a little apprehensive at the moment because I’m concerned I’ll feel more anxiety.

Can someone please talk to me? I really need to talk about my relationship OCD. So on Reddit I posted on an Asperger's sub to get some advice and insight on how I should treat him. There's this lady that keeps saying that since him and I are in our mid teens we won't actually last and that we will be fleeting. I cried reading her messages like it hurts so much because im already so anxious Now I'm obsessed that he is just in an infactuation with me and wants me only for my body like previous guys that have liked me. He told me he really does love me but I can't believe it, I don't know if it's OCD or trusts issues or both. I'm trying to sit with the uncertainty but I end up crying every time I get the thought of actually losing him. I'm trying to do my normal ACT plan but I can't because of stress from school. Please help :(

A bit of a vent with SOCD, ROCD and others I’ve struggled through so many forms of OCD before since I was maybe 11 or 12.. I’m 17 now. Harm OCD and POCD most notably affected me badly. On top of those though, Sexual Orientation OCD has just not let up in previous years. One of my thoughts was like “what if I just have general anxiety disorder and not OCD?” I did some Googling (highly suggest not doing that), and it said that OCD sufferers latch on to unrealistic things whereas with anxiety, the concerns are more realistic. That scared me, because I was like, well then if you just have GAD, that means you really are gay. Most people who suffer with SOCD do not see being gay as wrong. To me the fear and distress is not at ALL the same feeling as fears of killing a loved one or becoming a pedophile, because people all the time struggle with their sexual identity. So in a sense, unlike being a murderer or pedophile, this is something that often happens and isn’t irrational at all, and is not horrific in any way. On a side note, I’m also Catholic, but completely supportive of the LGBTQ+ community. I truly believe love is love and people should just be treated as people. It makes me sad because feeling supportive of the community makes me feel uneasy as though I’d want to identify within the community and am just saying I’m an ally, when I’m in denial. I just want to give my full fledged support without feeling so anxious. Anyways, I think there’s no need for hate 94 bigotry because God created people in His image. But I know not all people who are Christian view that in that way, and this has also triggered my SOCD because I’m like why do I feel so anxious about any religious topics? Is that because I’m trying to justify what’s going in my head so I can come to terms with what my thoughts are saying? And if God creates people in his image, then just come to terms with what your brain is saying you are. I can’t even type everything out word for word because it makes me so anxious. I also feel anxious about future relationships. Whenever my friends talk about a boy or being in a relationship, it gives me this pit of anxiety as though I’m keeping something from them. How do people with OCD even approach relationships? It doesn’t help that I ended talking to someone I was with for so many months because the ROCD/SOCD would not leave me alone and I felt I was being unfair to him. This makes me so sad to post. I feel so tired lol. My first session is on Monday, though, but I’m worried it’ll just bring me to a new found realization of myself that I was running away from. I’m not asking for reassurance, because I know it can be dangerous. But honestly writing this, I probably hoped I would get it. But right now, I think I’d just like some prayer and encouragement.

does anyone have a history of POCD overcoming?

I keep seeing things about how antidepressants and SSRIs long term is dangerous and bad. With post symptoms that sometimes never go away (such as post-med Sexual distinction for life) then I saw this one today while researching meds. https://news.sky.com/story/long-term-use-of-antidepressants-could-cause-permanent-damage-doctors-warn-11688430 I got done with ocd treatment on here and ocd has gotten a bit better but now now what’s left over is my major depressive disorder and I am so depressed that I can’t function and I have lost all hope, can’t survive off of meds but don’t want to go back on because of all the bad shit and having to go through withdrawal again after 2 years on something just to do it all again???? I don’t want to keep trying new meds and new meds and see which one doesn’t effect sex drive and see which one that doesn’t have bad withdrawals or dangers like post chronic symptoms. Clearly they all have risks of chronic issues and I already have enough mental illnesses to deal with I don’t want more issues just bc I need meds to function .. Plus no one ever answers me on here it’s not like I’ll even get a reply to this one either it’s like talking to a wall