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the NOCD Community

I am currently unemployed, living with my parents and sister again as an adult and my father was abusive and volatile growing up. My sister took a bunch of pills two years ago and was admitted to a hospital for a while. She lived with me for a year, then lived abroad for a year and now we are both back with our parents. I don't think I ever fully recovered from her suicide attempt or from my childhood. I always felt it was my role to be the peace maker and keep the family together even though I am the youngest one in the family and that was a false responsibility I gave myself. My mom has compulsions and my dad is a hoarder so I think my heightened sense of responsibility and genetics could be factors with my ocd. I first showed signs of ocd when I was younger but didn't know that was what it was. I have used smoking weed as a form of stress relief however I never thought of it as self medicating because I would go several months without smoking and then when I was stressed I would smoke on and off for a month or so. I always thought that was due to external factors in my life and never habit forming or addictive. I never even started smoking weed until I was 22 and I am now in my late 20s. When having a stressful time the other week I started smoking again and the next morning it's like it set off this huge panic attack inside of me. All of my ptsd and fears/ obsessions came up to the surface like when you have food poisoning and your body is trying to expell toxins from your body. My death ocd, sexual thoughts ocd, and real ocd and then ptsd have been swirling around in my head nonstop since. Eventually my mom took me to patient first to get something to help me get through the day. They prescribed me attarax and I am taking 2-4 a day as need be since Monday. I also immediately started listening to the ocd stories podcast after googling intrusive thoughts and realized what was going on with me in terms of my fears and obsessions being heightened. My ocd has always bubbled under the surface but I've never had panic attacks and depression like this before. That's when I decided to try NOCD. I am still waiting to have my first session and I am trying to do things every day to give me hope and I am looking forward to my appointment. I feel like this house and my family are a big trigger for me, but I feel stuck and scared especially during covid-19 on how to get out of my situation. I guess I was hoping if anyone could provide me with some words of hope and encourangement in terms of the recovery process and battling multiple problems on top of ocd.

I’m currently in recovery and my compulsions have gone down significantly, I honestly can’t even think of times when I do them anymore! But I have this weird feeling with myself that if I’m having a good day I’m doing something wrong. It’s so weird it’s like I’m aware that I’m constantly practicing response prevention, doing all the of things I can to help myself recover, but I’m almost suspicious when I have less thoughts or I go about my day not even worried about my thoughts. Does anyone else feel this way? 😭

I hope everyone is doing good What do u guys do when ur lonely and have no one to keep u company?

Hey guys, I need some advice on ERP and contamination/covid fears. My current therapist is working on some other items with me first as she feels I'm doing well enough guiding my own ERP. I have been doing well and made some good steps but I cant think of other ERP's to do that arent REALLY scary for me. It's like in leveling up and cant bring myself to do the next level without compulsions. The next level would include touching things in my fridge without washing my hands and going for a walk without taking a shower. Both seem SO risky to me. The fridge because the covid virus likes cold temperatures and lives longer so I HAVE to wash my hands. The walls because as cars go by with their windows open, I feel like a car could have a covid patient in it and I'd breathe it in in a larger amount (cabin full of virus). I hold my breath when cars go by and come home and take a shower and change my clothes. Both of these issues were not prevalent maybe.....three months ago? I could go for walks on my work lunch and be fine. I could touch things in my fridge without concern (freezer is a different story for the same reason). How do I push myself to do something that is, according to experts, safe but truly will send me into huge spirals? Do I need to work on my current ERP's more? Maybe I do. My last set was to touch room temperature things and not wash my hands. But I still do like back of my hand touching or certain fingers for certain things. I leave so many doors open to not touch their handles. Do I dive further into my current ones before I tackle the next level?

I still havent had my first therapy session but I have been writing down my fears and triggers and at first that felt good because I was finally organizing the chaos in my brain, but I am still having episodes usually before I go to sleep and when I wake up my thoughts race the most. My obsessions have had many themes one of the themes that scares me the most is existential. I have kind of suffered with that theme since I was little, I just didn't know what it was. Before bed in middle school I had these rituals of I had to say good night and i love you multiple times and I had to be the last one to say it to my family in case when I woke up they died that way I could fall asleep knowing that I was the last one to say I love you and I would have no "regrets". Now that I have moved back home for the second time (once at 23) and now again at the age of 28 all of those fears and other obsessions have come flooding back into my head with an intensity I haven't ever experienced before or at least since I was a tween/teen. I guess for me lately just being alone with my thoughts in the morning and night is a big trigger. I start to wonder about what I will do the day I die what that experience will be like and how I won't be able to handle it and that when I cry out for my mom to make death stop that I will just have to allow it to happen to me to wash over me and accept it without anyone by my side to help me through it. If this thought gets intense enough my heart beats loudly, my head feels like its pounding, and I start crying and even shaking sometimes. Because of my magical thinking I am too scared to even write down some of my other thoughts and fears because I feel like that will make them more true but also because of shame. If the episodes get really bad I start crying and shaking and I run to my mom for reassurance, or I try to suppress the thoughts by listening to a video of someone saying it is going to be okay. So yeah I guess avoidance and reassurance have been my biggest compulsions in my life with a bit of magical thinking (knocking on wood, praying, saying words in my head to self sooth, deep breathing, or even trying to physically shake off the feeling or thought if it has been bad enough, wishing on 11:11 for good luck and a better future, or saying oh god out loud or repeating to myself "I can't" as a signal to my brain that I can't do this right now brain please stop). I was wondering if anyone else experiences intrusive thoughts with very little physical triggers and more just intrusive thoughts that you feel you have to fight at random, but especially when alone like at night and early in the morning. It's hard for me to know what to expose myself to, in order to help me with my existential themes about death because the thoughts happen on their own, and death is inevitable so I can't tell myself this fear is something I will never have to deal with in reality but I also don't see death everyday the triggers feel more like when my mind is trying to be still or forced to be still my OCD floods my brain with all my fears so I can't "just be". What have people found helps with existential and death obsessions? In terms of erp and cbt?

Why do I get annoyed at homophobic comments and shit like that now?my minds just telling me I’m gay cause I watched bisexual porn ( mmf), I do have a huge porn addiction, and looking at the porn now it makes me feel sick and uncomfortable, and imagining doing gay stuff in real life makes me feel uncomfortable, no offence

Has anyone felt an urge to just let fingers dig into ones own skin after a stressful talk/day/moment with/around someone? I rarely do this but it's about the fifth time in the last two years and it's bad. Maybe it's part of ocd or I have more issues. (I'm okay tho... I'm trying ti be... sorry for causing any stress I truly don't mean to. I just don't know how to tell anyone I personally know about what I'm thinking.)

How do you guys deal with Uncertainty ?

I just read that pedophiles don't want to like children. This is not correct, right???

Can I be turned on by women more than men in erotica(and like naked women, I.e. breasts) and still be attracted to men/be okay with my husband?? I cannot let this go. I know this teeters on reassurance but I just got out of surgery and I’m trying to get better but this is ruining me.

I find it interesting how well we can hide ocd despite how intense it feels. It feels like its burning up our entire world and yet... Last night I asked my husband if he has noticed that cipralex is making a difference in me (been on it nearly 4 weeks now). And he said a little yeah. Meanwhile I've felt it's made a huge difference. I'd say my ruminating is down by 50-60%. But he didnt always know when I was ruminating. I was also hiding a lot of my compulsions from him. I'd wait until he left the room to go on sanitization sprees etc. Because I didnt want him to stop me or shame me. I also started my job 3 years ago and it was a BIG jump up. Like massive, I was so lucky to receive the job I have. I was truly not qualified just in the right spot at the right time. I admitted to my boss maybe a year or so in that I'm a really anxious person. She was shocked. She was like "what? You're so calm and everything always goes off without a hitch!" Which was me feigning confidence in meetings then ig insane overtime to make sure everything in my projects were perfect and crying in my office. I never thought I was fooling anyone. I always thought it was obvious but I'd continue until someone called me out. And no one ever did. Because I was so secretive.

My day was going okay but now I’m really anxious and want to cry :( I know they were trying to be positive but that post on my post sent me into a lot of distress . I know I’m still into guys I just don’t have feelings towards them rn . I just want to be my old boy crazy self :((

"Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting." - Sun Tzu, The Art of War➡️ Maybe I'm taking this quote out of context, but I find it interesting that this aligns well with OCD treatment. Don't fight your thoughts. Not doing so is SUPREME EXCELLENCE ?!

I'm scared I'll always be like this. I am ruining my relationship. My boyfriend supports me and tells he is not irritated by me still i feel like he is getting irritated because I'm behaving like this. Why does OCD even exist ?. HOCD is even making me feel like i would like a girl. I'm very scared why are these thoughts getting so real. I'm seeing images of me kissing a girl i used to do with my boyfriend. I don't even know the reason why my ROCD and HOCD started. My relationship was going very well. I want my old days back. This lockdown ruined everything. I don't want to leave my bf but my thoughts keep telling me i don't love him and i want a break up with him but before these thoughts i was so sure i want him as my husband. I want to get well but I'm scared if i get well I'll stop loving him. I want to focus on my career but i feel like if i get a good job I'll become so proud of myself that I'll leave him and reject his marriage proposal. I was very good in studies but this ocd has made my life worst. ? I was a topper since my childhood but i cannot do anything now. My family even hates me. Only my bf loves me. I don't want to leave him. When will these thoughts go away. Will i ever recover. These thoughts keep shuffling. I just want my good old days with my bf back??

Just a vent but i deal with certain ocd themes and get anxiety over sexual intrusive thoughts But I heard research that it’s possible to have those if you have had any type of trauma and/or abuse in your life and I unfortunately cannot remember my past much so it’s very hazy I usually don’t like my bad thoughts bc they get in the way of my daily live so I can’t rlly dwell so much in the past

Guys, I'm at a breaking point. I don't know what to do anymore.

I think I am gay. I led on my husband.

How does OCD get in the way of living your life? What are some things you can do to drop the worries?

Has anyone who’ve experienced taboo based OCD have had triggering thoughts that were like “oh yeah you liked that” and than had an immense amount of anxiety come about? This happened to me a while back and I ended up in the hospital due to the panic and anxiety it produced. It led to constantly avoiding and checking to make sure I was okay. Of course it just blurred the lines more. Most days I am good but I just got diagnosed and all my old obsessions are coming up that I feel like I never properly dealt with. Almost like it wants me to question my diagnosis.

"...the more we value things outside our control, the less control we have." - Epictetus