Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Hi I am new to this app and didnt know what else to turn to. My parents dont understand me at all.. my ocd or anything I go thru. I have almost 2 years clean from drugs, have extreme anxiety, and pretty severe OCD and trich. I am just having a really hard and traumatizing week. Two nights ago my freezer caught on fire( which I didnt even realize was a thing) and there was no one there to help me. I was frozen in shock and I just switched the breakers off until my apartment maintenece could help in the morning. Of course I didnt sleep bc I just kept thinking it was still going to catch fire. The power has gone off 3 times this week.. once while I had a cleaning service here to help me clean my apartment( which is a hard enough exposure for me anyway, to let other people in touching all my things especially during covid). The last thing is I have been worried for a while that there is something physically wrong with me (my dad is a physician and I have physical symptoms to back up this theory). I wont share my symptoms cuz that could take a while but as someone with Ocd you think are all of these symptoms real/fake and related/ unrelated issues that I should or shouldnt worry about. Well my concierge doctor called me with intensive lab results they did as a result of my worrying and it turns out my ANA is pretty high and she wants to refer me to a rheumatologist. ANA being high is the first sign of an autoimmune disease. She was trying to write my fatigue off as sleep apnea but they did find something pretty significant in my bloodwork. Im just really scared. This is too much for me to deal with and worry about. I just feel like shutting down, I cant deal with this all by myself. Any advice or just support? I do have an Ocd therapist, have been thru exposure therapy, and currently take meds for it.

I don't know if this is ocd related but I'm scared I'm not feeling emtions or thinking like a normal person. I've only lived life through my eyes and point of view, what if I'm not doing it right? What of I can't think or feeling anything right and I'll lose it and go crazy. I'm scared I'll never think right again...I really need help with this😣

Tw: suicide but please help if you can . . . . . . Today I was accidentally exposed to something waaaaay too high up my hierarchy and I cant handle it. I'm at the point of planning suicide. I've come up with a new plan and I really feel like it would spare me the pain of ocd and my fear playing out. I was already on a crisis line today but cant share the urge to hurt myself. The crisis worker tried to help me but I honestly felt like I was just wasting their time and they could have been helping someone else so I said I was fine and got off the line. I'm not, I cant stop this overwhelming urge. I know we are supposed to sit with discomfort but this one is a lot. I keep imagining different ways to hurt myself and I'm itching to do them.

I need some help. I'm doing really badly today. It because a real trigger actually happened. I was doing so well up until now, weeks and weeks went by of me doing really well. Then last night I came across something disturbing online and now I'm back to square 1. My brain keeps making up stories about it and telling me I'm a bad person.

How do I move on from this obsessive thought? I verify accounts at work, because if my stress anxiety and focus, I double check things. I feel like I have to report myself even if I did verify because I can’t remember clearly. Mind you I excel at my job and just developed this problem. Now I have in the back of my head I didn’t properly verify accounts and the doubt/guilt is like you owe them something but I don’t remember anything and I know I do my job right I just want to cry and escape this misery. I don’t want to quit I love my job and I am one of the highest performers. How can I erase the doubt and guilt associated with the irrational memory if the anxiety that made me feel like I didn’t do my job right?

i hate stereotypes so much.

Hi, I need a wee bit of help. I realise I've posted alot on here lately and Im concious everyone else needs help too so I will try to help others as best I can but I am in the middle of erp at the minute and struggling everyday. Due to corona virus I hve a ritual around washing clothes. I strop off clothes that may have been cintaminated frim outside and I put them in the wash basket. When I am doing the washing I'm so careful not to cross contaminate do I bring the dirty washimh downstairs and then I wash my hands an the basket that I touched, and the washing machine handle and then my hands again before I put the clean washing in the basket to hang up. I rarely let my partner do the washing as I know she thinks this is over the top. She did the washing today and I'm having anxiety as normally the clothes sit in the basket for 24 hours before I do the washing and clothes that were in the basket from being out last night were on top. She did none of my cleaning behaviours so now I am freaking out that the clean clothes are no longer clean and that corona virus is all over them and the house. Again If it was a totally irrational fear I coukld rode out the anxiety but corona virus is real so now I'm scared that we will get it. What do I do?? Are my behaviours that I have outlined over the top irrational?? Did she do the right thing?? Are we safe??????? Please help.

What keeps you guys going on your hardest days?

I just realized I never had a sex dream about boys but I got it with girls after hocd omg!!!! Im so scared. What doest his even mean!??. I don't want girls at all. I only want boys and only them. I saw a dream today that I was rubbing my vagina on another girl and I feel so disgusted but I'm not anxious or panicking. I'm so scared I'm gay. Help!!! I've been crying and Im getting self destructive thoughts every now and then

Is there anyone I can talk to?

I had a OCD “low” today and my main theme is HOCD. Though today my brain latched onto the thought I have BPD/ Cluster B personality disorder. Has anyone’s else’s ocd done this to them? I don’t want reassurance I just don’t know whether ocd can actually do this as it’s not HOCD.

[ 24, F ] I apologize for intruding... I finally got courage to post here because I know I'll be seen with poor eyes however, I am ready for any criticism coming my way. I'm really sorry for making this post but I need help. 3 months ago, my gf broke up with me (yes, I'm gay) and ever since I haven't been able to move forward. I've had a few good days but all in all, I have either dealt with the mourning of the relationship or, as most of you know, my horrible ocd. She is a wonderful woman and I wish her all the happiness in the world but she broke me badly... Her reasons to break up were: my ocd, my suicidal tendencies, the long distance, my dependency on the relationship to be happy/alive, her own private matters, that we had never met before (though we made video calls) and others I don't know about. I'm not going to lie. I'm overly suicidal over this. She was the one for me and we had a wonderful future planned, only to give up on me... I feel betrayed but I don't blame her. She deserves better.... I never deserved her anyway and that is what I keep telling myself to cope with the pain. It helps me to stay rational. It's easier to take all the blame than to fear being unfair to her. Because in the end, she didn't do anything wrong. This was my first and last relationship. I never met her in person, it was always long distance. She was the best thing thag ever happened to me. And I know I won't be able to love again.... Because of countless reasons: - I don't easily develop a romantic interest and I don't forsee that ever happening again. - I'm a piece of shit... I don't deserve love - I won't be able to trust again. Telling me "I won't leave you" was a lie... - I feel like I am betraying her... She was the one for me... If I date someone else, I have lied... I'd feel like our relationship was nothing... I would feel guilty. Does it make sense? Like a fairy tale... I guess. I loved her... I shouldn't love someone else. - I feel like I still have to look up to the image people have of me and that is "(my name), never dates! She's superior to those things" Yes, I know what you are thinking. Innocent, gullible, childish, I know. I don't believe in soul mates and all of that but I believe in the goodness of people. I take dating very seriously and I fell in love pretty hard because she is a wonderful person... And we were compatible. I could never date for fun (please don't think I judge. This is my choice when it comes to dating but I respect every person's lifestyle as long as it isn't illegal or toxic) I need help... Or just someone to talk to. I don't know what type of advice to look for. I just want someone to talk to, I guess. And before I go, I just wanted to say that I'm really in pain. I started dating her because I really liked her and I saw a potential future. She is wonderful, sweet and we were super compatible. When we broke up, my heart broke in half. All the plans we've made, everything. It took me by surprise because I thought we were going strong as always. Apparently not because she failed to communicate me her fears... This sucks... My fucking life is over. I have nothing to live for. Life gives only to take it away to make me suffer. Thank you for reading.

tw // abuse i don’t exactly know if this is related to ocd, it might be but anyway if you’re a victim of emotional abuse, do u ever find ur self making up excuses like “it’s not even that bad, it was a long time ago it doesn’t matter, people have it worse than i do, am i even being emotionally abused”? im dealing with narcissist abuse from my mother and i have been for most of my life and my mind keeps telling me that i’m making all of it up and it’s not as bad as it seems. it even feels wrong calling it abuse. i told my therapist this and she reassured me that this IS abuse and that self doubt and confusion is common but idk why i cant allow my self to accept it. i plan on moving out bc of this reason, but again my mind will tell me “u don’t have a strong enough reason to move out, ur being so dramatic” ugh this is the worst feeling

Need suggestion: Top-of-hierarchy contaminant may have touched the quilt on my bed. Washing the quilt feels like giving in, but I’m having a difficult time imagining I could sleep in it, or have anything touch it. Avoiding it and washing it seem like the two options lol. Any suggestions on how I could make this a useful experience without doing a bigger ERP than I’m able to do...?

On Tuesday I was super happy that my intrusive thoughts diminished. Today they are ramptant. My therapist said that the distress from people with ocd comes from not actually wanring to harm others as opposed to actual bad people, their distress comes from not wating to get caught. And now Im wondering the true reason for my distress. Ocd (karen) keeps saying," I just wanna kill someone." And even writing this I feel like Im faking it. It doesn't help that I was woth my parents last night and I imagined hitting my dad with a metal tool. Im in this place where I struggle and wonder who am I? What is happening to me? Ocd says Im faking it. What have been

I got really triggered by reading on a vegan page on Instagram. It said killing animals is nicer and immoral. And as long as man massacres animals they will kill each other and cannot feel joy or love. I gotten even more triggered and confused when I went to the comments. Some said it was wrong to eat meat then others said it was natural. One comment scared me saying McDonald's has human meat in their food.... My harm thoughts are up by a ton. I'd never hurt my pets or family....I can't take these thoughts..

I work at a college. I have to start working in my office again on Monday. I'm petrified. I feel like I'm being gaslighted because admin is saying it is safe when I know it isn't. I keep trying to explain my extreme anxiety about returning to campus, but I keep getting responses like "we're anxious too" etc. They don't understand that my anxiety is more intense because of OCD. I went to campus 2 weeks ago and my first interaction was with a campus cop who didn't wear a mask or keep 6 feet apart from me. My college also had a flu outbreak earlier this year so I do not trust that campus will be safe from COVID. I'm in the process of getting a diagnosis, but in the meantime, I don't know what to do. Even if I did have paperwork, OCD is not a "risk factor" for COVID and HR doesn't have to do anything. I feel like I'm shutting down. Any advice about returning to work during all *this* would be appreciated.

How do I get therapy in the UK that I trust ? + My painful story I developed POCD, intrusive thoughts and false attraction in 2017. In 2019 I started reading about my affliction on the internet, I cried with relief and overwhelming pain of the fact that I’m even addressing a problem that I had locked away so deep. I decided to reach out but talking about a problem which I’ve never even uttered a single word of to anyone felt impossible. So I wrote a note to my doctor. Saying that I think I have OCD, but that I can’t speak out loud because it’s too painful. Saying I wanted a referral to a OCD professional to contact through the internet because it was too hard to address otherwise. (BecAuse of the Stigma of POCD) I walked to the doctors and waited in the lobby, crying. I got called into her office and I silently sobbed my eyes out as I passed her this letter. She asked me to elaborate my problem but I couldn’t so she printed off some mental health charities I should contact and I left. I walked out the doctors and uncontrollably cried all the way home. Then, the raw feeling of my problem Is too painful and I distract myself, I lock it all away. I carry on my life trying to escape any reminder of the depths of my mental health. But my OCD is like a lingering bad smell in the back of my life. I laugh, I have lots of friends and a loving boyfriend of four years, I run a business, I have hobbies. And then the bad smell creeps in to remind me that my life is a lie and that If people knew this about me, every single person who l love would be shocked and disgusted by me. Then the thought of that Is so painful that I lock it all away again and carry on as normal. I get triggered, I self loath, I bury it, repeat. This is my life. Then about 4 times a year I have this clarity about how bad everything really is - I break down, I have panic attacks; truly dramatic episodes where I lie on the floor in histerical unstoppable tears. Then I brush my self off and pretend like normal. I go to the pub and I’m confident, make jokes. I know everyone has mental health issues, I reckon most people probably think I’m the lucky ‘sane’ one. How ironic. I lie in my bed next to my unbeknownst boyfriend who I love. Feeling extreme guilt since I know that i should let him free because I can’t have children with him and he wants a family one day. I should let him look for a partner who can give him what he wants. Even though the thought of having a family with the man that I love fills me with joy, I fear it can never happen. I feel like my OCD is a ticking time bomb, I’m 24. My friends will get older, have children, I will lose my boyfriend because I can’t give him a family but I won’t tell him why that is because I’d have to admit my sick truth. A truth that the girlfriend he has loved for the last 4 years he hasn’t really known at all. So he will probably have children with another woman and it will be so incredibly painful for me. Or maybe I wont bare to ever break up with him and set him free, and he will lose the chance to have the joy of a family with somebody else. Sometimes I feel so incredibly selfish to even be with him at all. If he knew he would be discusted with me. but I know he loves me so much, and I love him too. In the end, I fear I will end up alone and silently battling with OCD whilst pretending to the world that I’m totally fine. But now I have found this app. I want to get better. I want to have the strength to talk. But I have to trust that my practitioner is qualified with POCD. The shame is too strong to bear the words outloud. I can’t use your online service because I’m from the UK. How can I get help in the UK? Can I trust my GP? Love to everyone suffering. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but maybe in the long run over coming this will make me more mindful and more resilient than I ever would have been as a simple muggle. (As a Non OCD sufferer haha stupid joke)

I can’t stop crying. My partner has been very distant. He just admitted he has pulled back because of how bad my ocd has gotten. I found out he was seeing his ex behind my back and has been lying to me to push me away because he can’t handle how bad it has gotten. I feel really sad. And I’m at a really low place. I feel like no one will love me because of the ocd. The one person I trusted and was vulnerable with just told me that my health condition is making him takes steps back from me. I’m extremely codependent on him because of the ocd. I feel so scared to be alone and battle this alone.

okay im a 28 year old woman and my best friend since i was 4 is gay and everytime im on the phone with him i feel like hes waiting for me to come out and i feel like im lying to him and i feel guilty lying to him and i feel bad for not coming out but then i go i honestly i dont know what i am ive been alone my whole life but ive never known if i want to date women or men i feel uncomfortable with the idea of being intimate with anyone i have had sexual fantasies all involving men but ive had gay dreams im not sure what i should sexually be i masturbate to fantasies about men but then i wonder am i doing that to prove im not gay? i have found some women attractive but ive always avoided looking at lesbian movies and porn in fear that it would confirm im a lesbian its like i get this loud voice in my head saying youre gay just be gay but im like thats based on nothing but i feel like a lot of people think im gay because ive never had a relationship or sex but i never kissed a woman or fallen in love with a woman but i do have a lot of women i wish i could be and i go am i confusing my wish to be them with a wish to sleep with them and im just so repressed? sometimes i think a girl is hot but i think that about guys too and everyone thought me and my best friend of 8 years were a lesbian couple even though she had a boyfriend and i wasnt attracted to her in that way but i did love her and my thoughts start going youve been in the closet for 28 years and waisted your whole life and then i get afraid that im going to be a story people tell about a lesbian who couldnt come out and decided to kill herself because i was too afraid to be gay and then i freak out because i dont want to die and if coming out would make me lose this obsession then i would do it but if i do it and im not gay thats embarrassing... i also have some scary intrusive thoughts so i go well if im actually gay then that means my pocd is real and not ocd but maybe im gay with pocd and existential ocd but the gay one is real ... how do i know?! why do i feel guilty when i dont even know... but ive also experienced some ptsd that gives me trust issues i dont know why im alone at 28 and im scared my thoughts just circle for all the reasons im broken and then i freak out am i asexual? am i bisexual? am i a lesbian? and if i dont find out soon who will take care of me when im old and on my death bed...? and if i dont find out soon i cant finally start my life and experience important milestones in life ... and when i tell my best friend about my 2 recent panic attacks i cant tell him all the reasons i have them and that makes me an actual liar and i feel bad ... i hate this and worst of all i feel like none of you will relate to me at all this is scary to post but here it goes .... please be kind 🙏