Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I've struggled with anxiety, depression, and insomnia since I was a young teen and am currently struggling with what seems like scrupulosity (for the past few months I've been fighting with thoughts and feelings that I'm not saved or not good enough to be a Christian and it keeps me up all night half the time). I desperately want help but I'm afraid that I'm just seeking a diagnosis to blame my shortcomings on something other than myself or that going to a therapist would prove that I can't trust in God and go to him first. And the truth is I truly haven't been a good christian and there are many sins I still haven't totally faced and overcome yet and I'm not sure if I ever will be able to. I just don't know how I KNOW if I'm really the problem or if it is OCD. And I'm not looking for reassurance but maybe I am? I just don't know... if it is OCD it also feels like my "obsessions" are constantly morphing and changing and I can't keep up with them. Like I'll go from having existential thoughts to questioning my belief in God to feeling like I'm gonna turn into a creep or lose my mind or turn evil in some way. I'm just so exhausted and need help. I want to be able to turn to Jesus for help but I don't always know how to... I have faith that things will eventually turn out OK but then as soon as a feel secure in that the anxiety and doubt comes back. And even as I'm typing this I'm having thoughts like "its not that bad you just need to toughen up and be patient" and I know that's true but I just feel so alone and like I can't talk to anyone about this and if I do it'll all prove to be true. And as I write this I wonder if I made up all of these thoughts and feelings because I read online and on here about OCD and I'm trying to fit myself into it as an excuse to avoid my real problems... which might just be perfectly true but even if it is I don't know how to fix those problems??? I just want to get out of this loop and be a better person. I don't know if posting this will help. Maybe its even a compulsion in itself. I just want to understand... how do I know if its OCD or if I'm being convicted? Or both?

I’m not very good at telling people what I want, need, think, feel, or “No.” It’s hard to grow up in a family where you’re told you’re the argumentative, brazen fighter who’s too bold only to learn as an adult that this isn’t true, that you’re codependent and can’t speak your mind and can’t tell anybody “no” until finally you just break down crying in your car in the parking lot because you’re so tired of being invisible and unheard and used.

not ocd related just a small rant 😔 i reached a point in life where having friends is just burdensome... i am very thankful for them, they were beside when i needed them and all but... this kinda relationship suffocates me and it feels wrong to feel this way... i am very close to them but i still have to watch my actions and my words to not say anything stupid that will make everything awkward or jus hurt them unconsciously and i have to explain myself to them in case they will get upset if i dont... and each time i say something stupid i just think about it all day and tell myself " why did you do that... you are the worst" and i just feel sad and disappointed in myself in a blink of an eye. my self esteem just hit rock bottom these past years since i got some new friends in highschool. i just seem to feel inferior when i see them all together having fun and i am just a social failure. and i really cant focus on all of them so it seems like i am ignoring them and i feel bad about it too.. i feel like they just dont match my personality and dont really understand me and each time i am with them i have to keep being happy and funny i just wanna leave everyone and be alone...

Im so tired I’m soooo done I hate my life I hate myself OCD has taking everything from me EVERYTHING

guys i don't know if i can make it..

I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m completely losing touch with myself and reality. I’ve been thinking about the same thing for the past month. Day in and day out. No relief. I keep replaying the memory over and over again in my mind since the moment it happened, and I am absolutely convinced I had terrible intentions because of a thought I had prior to executing an action. I can’t find relief. I don’t know what to do. I can’t focus on anything. Everyone around me is starting to notice. I can’t hide it from my family anymore and I’m afraid to let them into my mind because they will think I’m insane. And I’m starting to feel absolutely insane. I don’t even know how to think about normal things or act normal.

TW Anyone else has this obsession about having schizophrenia or different mental illnesses

Question and I am not sure if I made it clear in a previous post. But I can easily see a new thought of what if I cheated on my wife and blocked it out. Now my wife knows about my ocd. Now that I know how to handle these - is it a compulsion to tell my wife that I’m having a new theme attach itself to me? I want to know whether or not I need to be open about it.

Just out of curiosity, how old are ya’ll? I’m 20. Any of you older folx who have more experience dealing with this disorder, please drop your best tips, it never goes unappreciated. WE CAN OVERCOME THIS 🙌🏻

I’ve had HOCD for five months now and I’m honestly starting to wonder whether it’s HOCD anymore. It all started because I accidentally looked at someone in the wrong place. My life hasn’t been the same since.

I want to share my story (so far) So around October 2019 I began to take my Christian Faith more seriously. This took my actions more seriously. I wanted avoid doing things that were sinful. In the beginning it was pretty small stuff like not cussing or disobeying my parents. But at the time I was working at a restaurant which was a good job until I realized my actions there could be sinful. I thought I had to make everything sanitary because I wanted to treat my neighbor how I would like to be treated, but I took it to an extreme. So if coworkers didn’t wash their hands before drying silverware or if they used a “dirty” rag I would freak out and imagine staying all night to clean all the silver ware because it was “what God wanted me to do” as months went on It got progressively worse and I would see people touch there phone and then touch a clean glass I would take the glass and have it re washed. I got to my boiling point because I thought my job was the reason my ocd was bad. So I quit my job and thought things would get better. They didn’t. Looking back now I realize that I was giving in to my OCD and letting It win. So I have been unemployed for a couple months now and at the beginning it was good but now I can barely leave the house because driving is a lot for my brain to take in and I have some religious views on why driving is harmful for me (I know this is not true and crazy) another thing I’ve had struggles with is I’ll be doing something like bouncing a ball on a wall and catching it and I’ll have a thought like “if you don’t catch it than God doesn’t want you to take that trip” basically making vows to God that I didn’t actually make but my ocd put in my head Anyways that’s my main issues with ocd. Yesterday night I was having a really rough time because I went to the restroom and I touched the hand towel and I thought It was now contaminated so I went back to my room and layed down in agony and I reallly wanted it to be over. I watched a video on YouTube on how to treat ocd and it talked about ERP (I think that’s what it’s called) so basically if you think maybe God wouldn’t want you to do something or maybe something will cause you to sin just do it or think about it and say “I don’t know whether that’s sin or not and I can’t know so I’m just gonna not worry about it” so I went into the kitchen and drank from the tap because I had this obsession that my mom didn’t want me to drink from the tap (I don’t think it’s true but I made my self believe it) and I ate fruit that wasn’t washed and I didn’t brush my teeth before bed because all these things were obsessions of mine it felt liberating to say I don’t know. So then I went to bed feeling empowered but I have this feeling because i still don’t want to sin against God and it seemed like ERP kind of makes you sin. So I was curious if anyone who’s a christian or dealt with Scrupulosity could encourage me on my path and tell me how to view ERP because I don’t want to sin while I’m trying to get rid of my OCD or at least get it controlled. Thanks for your time if anyone reads this I really needed to vent I guess.

Question around contamination ocd and ethics. If you can give feedback I'd so appreciate it. I have a fear right now that over touched something in my house contaminated with covid. Rationally it's so unlikely its contaminated. Just the side of a bookshelf I may have touched yesterday when I felt my hands were contaminated. Realistically i never should have had the concern to begin with. However, i feel guilty doing erp to ignore it, because by not washing my hands and continuing to touch common surfaces in my house, I feel i am spreading it. Is it unfair to my husband to push past and keep going because then hes exposed to what I've touched? ERP gets a lot more confusing when addressing fears that you yourself are the one spreading contamination because you have independence and dominion over yourself to say "I agree to this exposure". When you fear you are the person doing the spreading, its other peoples dominion. Thoughts? Help? Any philosophers out there? Lol

I need help. My current anxiety right now is contamination OCD, my fear of contaminating others and myself. It all started back in February 2020, where I was shopping at Wal Mart. I was walking past the aisle where all the pesticide/herbicide/Roundup are located. Then when I got home, an intrusive thought popped in my head, telling me that I contaminated my clothes and purchased items by pouring it all over myself and my purchase items. I had since thrown them away. Since then over the next several months l I’ve been doing more research on Roundup/glyphosate and its dangers. I then became more anxious over the items I possibly contaminated when my intrusive thoughts told me that I contaminated my belongings, and began throwing them away. I have already thrown away hundreds of dollars worth of books and novels by donating them to a local books store, justifying that I can always repurchase an e book version of them. I also repurchase hundreds dollars of xbox games digitally after my intrusive thoughts told me that the games are contaminated because they made physical contact with the books. Today I was cleaning the carpet with a steam vacuum, and half through the task, I got an intrusive thought telling me that I miss roundup with the water tank, even though there aren’t any in the house. I felt the need to replace my entire carpet in my room. On the same day, I went to Wal mart to buy some new clothes, because the ones that are “contaminated” are sealed in a box getting ready to be donated to a shelter. I was walking down the aisle, to get some clothes hangers, which is across the aisle from the home gardening section which contained all the herbicide/pesticide. Even though I didn’t go to home gardening, I saw the aisle containing the herbicide/pesticide, triggering my anxiety and me into putting the clothes back where they belong. I’m even considering refunding new shoes I bought when I wore it al Wal mart. I’m still distress even when I’m typing this. Long story short, I’m in a rut and I need help. Please.

How to Make OCD Your Bitch I’ve had my ups and downs with OCD, plenty of horrendous days that felt like death but I’ve also had many victories and seasons of joy, love and peace. You may lose a battle every once in a while but OCD is a war you can win. So below I am leaving a few tools, tricks and knowledge I have on how to live the best life possible while having OCD. 1. Accepting the thoughts does not mean you want them to happen: This is a hard concept for people with OCD to understand and it took me a long time to figure this out but let’s say for example you have the thought of “What if I molest this child” or “what if I poisoned that food” by accepting the thought and saying “maybe i do want to molest that child” or “i could’ve poisoned that food” doesn’t mean you actually did or reflect anything about you personally. Remember thoughts are simply just thoughts, they are not behaviors, and not a personal reflection of who you are as a person. 2. Don’t stop the thought, stop the compulsion: So many people with OCD focus on “stopping the thoughts/intrusions” but at the end of the day you are not in control of the thoughts your brain produces however you are in control of your reaction and your compulsions. Instead of resisting the thought focus on resisting the compulsion whether its checking, ruminating, list making, praying, etc... 3. Practice being alone: This one was huge for me, for the longest time possible I always wanted to be distracted, I needed to do something to keep my mind busy and hopefully off of my thoughts and compulsions. However in order to truly find peace you need to learn how to accept yourself, and your own thoughts. Sit still, try maybe five minutes and just let whatever thought you have arise. You may get anxious and you may try to answer the thought or judge it, try your best not to. Be in the mindset of “thoughts can’t cause me harm”, if you find yourself spiraling and your thoughts racing that’s okay, the goal isn’t to get rid of anxiety but rather for you to experience it and understand that you are stronger than it and can manage it. 4. Write out your intrusions: If you start to notice certain thoughts arising more and more, write them out on paper. For me I always struggled with suicide ocd and I used to get mental images of me drinking bleach or hanging myself, however I learned that if I wrote out the images in my head and expressed them on paper it allowed me some freedom from internalizing it and questioning it. Also when you write out these thoughts write out how anxious they made you and describe the sensations, then follow up and write how you felt 10-15mins later as the anxiety starts to unwind a bit. 5. We all have bad days: This is just a truth of life, your treatment will never be perfect, there will be ups and downs. Don’t get discouraged if one day you find yourself compulsing more or if something triggers you more than you would’ve liked. 6. Don’t trust your “feelings”: When I say this I mean if you feel “great” one day don’t get ahead of yourself and act like you are cured and the same goes when you have a day where you feel “down” don’t start obsessing about “how long am I going to feel like this” focus on your functioning, did you get out of bed? Did you go to work/school? Did you perform any hobbies or take any action on your goals? If you are able to perform daily tasks be proud of that even if a little obsessing gets in the way. 7. Believe that you are here for a reason: You are not floating around nilly willy, you have value, you have a purpose. There are things in life that you are supposed to achieve, feel and experience. You may feel like you are in a dark place and sometimes the pain may be irritating but that pain will be replaced have faith!!

I fucked up and asked for reassurance, so it flipped on its head. I asked this,regarding recent events,I also acknowledged my pure o: "Whilst going on my email,I found a horrible chat on my hangouts,I never seemed to have interacted with it or sent anything. I didnt even remember it. it was full of people calling eachother slurs and being racist,and sending in images like nsfw. The ones I can clearly recall were all cartoons,like Wendy (from the fastfood chain),and a few cursed images of gore. A lot of the images are gone because the people in there deleted their accounts so I didn't see everything. Horrified,I deleted it. I didnt report it,I really feel bad for not reporting it, but I was so distressed I just deleted it and was sort of preoccupied with spiraling. I have no way of accessing it or knowing who was there.There was images of a little girls face i remember,I remember looking close just in case for a second and not noticing anything lewd. It was likely somehow edgy or cursed in another way. I cant remember or not,this may be a false memory,but i can't tell if i saw more images of the girls face or just children and just got too scared to inspect them or if thats a product of my ocd,because i just started thinking abt it. It was a groupchat of what was obviously bigoted, scummy teens trying to be edgy,but im still terrified if they went to extents of sending illegal content for ?? I dont know. I guess those gross type of people would think its funny. and i just happened not to notice or have the courage to inspect going through. Im guessing,because i didnt look at the date but most other chats were around this time,I was .15 when I was invited, or 16,which is around the time I stopped checking hangouts or atleast hardly went on in months. I am 18 now and just discovered it,and live in constant fear i sit on a ticking time bomb and don't even realize it. I have tried to find a way to contact google to tell them, but im too scared to call and I cant find if they have a support email,or think of what I would even say. I never sent,or interacted,not even sure if i knew abt it til now,but I worry solely by association or just being there im fucked. My question is: if my worst fear is true,what do I do? Am I in trouble? Should I even be concerned?" And then,in response it got taken down for not being concise,and I'm quite sure the mod hates me. My question is, now,where do I go from here,why can't i let this go? I was always told that no matter what if you get sent something illegal and don't report it then your in trouble, so my whole life feels like its threatened. I know I'm overthinking, I know its ocd ,but some moments, I wonder if I should listen to the thoughts. Im sorry I can't let this go,this thing just opened up a fresh wound . I made things worse for myself, and I feel guilty for inconveniencing people,and I feel guilty because the only way I've been able to feel better is to talk about it over and over,so i know I don't sound horrible. How do I accept this? How do I live with this?

Okay, I’m having a small moment of clarity, so while I’m having it I’m going to share with you what I’ve learned: If you struggle with ROCD like me, tell your partner you are grateful for them. If you’re like me, you probably don’t say it enough because you’re too caught up with your thoughts and anxiety. It’s hard for me to say what I feel or be vulnerable. I didn’t use it as a compulsion. I just felt the need to tell him how thankful I was for him and grateful I was for him taking care of me and being patient. We’ve been dating almost 2 years now. He knows about my themes. It’s hard I know it is. As soon as I felt the good impulse to tell him how I thankful I was, not only did it make him feel good, but it made me feel good. I didn’t ruminate or check to see how I felt afterwards. I really meant it. Secondly, if you struggle with SOOCD, here’s some videos that definitely helped me: https://youtu.be/79dYWL_nrqU https://youtu.be/qZZ-JNrYjqE https://youtu.be/3FTHSSpHLF4 These kind of helped. My SOOCD is only truly triggered when I’m suffering from my ROCD. So, this helped a little Lastly, if you’re not on any vitamins, consider taking them. Along with my Wellbutrin I take vitamin d3, omega3 in the day and magnesium at night. The one I can tell that helps the most is the magnesium. It’s not going to diminish your thoughts and it isn’t going to take the intensity away sometimes. What it’s going to do is help you feel relaxed and it’s going to help you sleep or get to sleep. It may take over a week for you to notice a difference, but I promise you it’s beneficial anyway. Especially for bone health. That’s it so far. I’m having a rare moment of hey this stuff actually worked. I thought I would share.

i can’t do this anymore. i just proved to myself that i’m into my fear. i literally just DID it. it’s been proven. i’m in denial. it’s over. i really am just a horrible person. i fucking knew it. i can’t live like this.

Disturbing contents I read a few stories and watched a few videos on gay/bi hypno. They are sex videos with the aim to convert you and it’s been really disturbing me. They start by using straight sex and then slowly manipulate you and then they show women getting f****** and giving blowjobs and say things like “try it”,”you know you want to”,” accept your true self”,” once you do it you’ll never go back”.They encourage you to commit gay acts. I’m scared I’m going to become gay or I enjoy it and that the videos are actually right. I also saw a few blasphemous videos and stories to do with sex and how people abandon their religion to live a life of sex and I’m scared I will become like that and I’m trying to figure out why they would do that. I also saw a website that only shows blasphemous videos and pictures. It shows people ripping, urinating, ejaculating and rubbing pages on their privates From holy books. They also write things on their bodies disrespecting religions and swearing at god, some of them mock the way people pray. What disturbs me is that the whole website is dedicated to this and this stuff is on the home page, usually blasphemous content is hidden away and hard to find on sex sites. I’m worried I will become like that one day and also why would they do such a thing. I’m also thinking about the person who created the site and why he would promote stuff like this. I’m also scared about the future generations and things like this become normalised. Sorry for ranting but I just need to get this off my mind. I do take responsibility in this as I was surfing sex sites and this type of content for the past hour. Even when I stop searching this content a few days later I get a strong urge to search it up and it feels like I want to search it up and I like it but I know it always makes my ocd worse. Any advice would be greatly appreciated 😔

(How can you do ERP when there is a legit concern?) Trigger warning for Contamination OCD/coronavirus. For instance, I’m pregnant right now and have had a resurgence of contamination OCD. (I also have GAD, so I’m never sure which tactic to take with a thought.) Health really is a legitimate concern here, and I’m told I should be more careful. Of course I overdo it, yet ERP seems to be the exact opposite of being more careful and that seems very, very unwise. How do you do exposure for something that your doctor says to not do? How do you do exposure for something like, for another unrelated example, not wearing a mask around other people right now in the time of the pandemic when you’re absolutely required to wear a mask and it’s dangerous to not? ERP basically doesn’t make sense to me. By that thinking I should be changing the litter box and not washing my hands and *I definitely should not do that*. How do you do ERP when there is a legitimate aspect of an actual concern?

So I am recovering from HOCD and I am not really anxious. I am coping with what OCD is throwing at me. So I wanted to watch some porn yesterday and I have never watched lesbian porn as I think I don’t like it. I am more into a bit hard porn, like threesome with two man and a woman or submissive ones. But yesterday I thought I’s watch two females and a male. I just thought to see how I was going to react and my HOCD again made me wonder. Like one of the girls had some big breasts and I really think big breast are arousing to look at and when the other girl was licking them I felt like I liked it. So my OCD was like you want to lick her breasts coz you’re a lesbian not because you want to have big breasts. So it kept throwing at me questions all the time even today. I am trying my best not to do any compulsions or analyze as I know that’s what OCD wants me to do. I don’t know how do you guys cope with this? Does your OCD make you wonder all the time if you want to be with the girl or be the girl?! It’s so confusing sometimes.