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does anyone else worry that some of their ocd symptoms/ proof of your ocd are invalid because they already knew about their ocd theme, and maybe they copied other people with the same theme and have now adopted other peoples experiences and mimicked them? so they don’t really have ocd, they just convinced themselves that they do and subconsciously copied other peoples compulsions and thoughts? because i’m undiagnosed and i have some symptoms of ocd before i found out about soocd, but after i started researching it, what if i subconsciously copied other people to convince myself i had ocd.

long vent warning ... sorry when describing my death obsession to my therapist they said to me that it probably will turn out to be just extreme anxiety not a full obsession but i feel like thats one of my strongest obsessions besides pocd and sexual oreintation ocd and like ive had moments where i am crying about imagining my loved ones deaths and think about how i cant stop it from happening or my own death grom happening and if i see a death in a movie or someone has died young in the news or if i am looking at my parents at night before bed and noticing their age and my age and how much time weve lived and time is left ... and if its bad enough i have to deep breath and tell myself you dont know when or how you dont know you dont know its going to be okay its going to be okay or get a loved one to say that to me and some days my other obsessions are stronger and i can go a few days where that isnt the focus... and sometimes i can suppress the thought or if i just hold my moms hand i feel comforted and i can distract with well you are here now with your mom its fine... is it normal to feel like you need to prove your ocd to your therapist still like im just really bad at knowing if im downplaying what im feeling or being too dramatic when i give a number im like is 10 right maybe its a 9 i doubt my own understanding of how bad i feel but panic attacks dont lie and crying spells dont lie and thats happened a lot in the past month more than in my whole life when i talk about the death stuff during sessions i dont go into too much detail with my therapist but i did tell them when i was in middle school i had to be the last one to say good night i love you in case something happened to my family before i woke up and if they said it back i had to say it again so id be the last one and that is definitely a death related compulsion and she just seemed like they forgot about that or finds it irrelevant because i dont do that specifically anymore but like when i had my recent panic attack my first serious one ever as an adult and then a few days later another one that led me to go to patient first and get meds because of how scared i was but when those happened it was a spiral of death, sexual orientation, and pocd thought spirals that i couldnt stop or get control of and i hadnt had that death feeling since i was younger and fear of going to sleep because of it and i immediately went wait there is something there ive done something like this before and my memories went to these things i did when i was younger and never understood and the pocd specifically caused me to eventually google my thoughts a few years ago and i remembered ocd popping up and this sense of relief that there was a name for this that im not what i think i am but i still wasnt sure and was scared that i even had to google that and fast forward to when i had these two back to back panic attacks at the start of august i remembered that googling i had done years before and thought shit this could all be ocd this could all be that thing and so i went to the ocd stories podcast eventually and the rest is history after i cried listening to the first episode feeling like there is hope for me this is me this is it ... and only that had given me comfort... but i still was scared because i was like you could say all your thoughts and be told nah actually yeah you have these themes not because of ocd but because you are gay or asexual or bisexual or a pedo and so on but i thoght if there is a chance to feel better than i feel right now then im going to risk it i have to i have to try but since i started sessions all i do is latch onto anything that can be perceived as minimizing my ocd or that i need to get over myself im making this up and the thing is i like my therapist and i trust them and think they are good i just feel like after sessions sometimes i have less assurance about my ocd than i had before my session because i focus on those comments that are probably not meant to make me question everything but i end up doing that... i know there is no reassurance that they are supposed to give me but sometimes i feel like i dont get how saying im on the low end of the ocd spectrum or that my death ocd might just be extreme anxiety is something to tell an ocd patient who is of course gonna spiral in doubt about their ocd from something like that ... i feel guilty typing this like im talking behind my therapists back in the app when i know everything my therapist does is meant to help me get better and i definitely appreciate all the work we have done on my pocd theme so far but these small things are bothering me and i dont know where else to vent... so sorry if i sound whiney i appreciate that i even have this app and a therapist i know that makes me fortunate, i just hope this is just my ocd making mountains out of molehills and that soon this too shall pass?

I know I’m progressing immensely with my ocd but there’s still some challenges that take a little more time and work to overcome. Right now I’m struggling with relapses every time I have a good day. Before, I would rarely get good days during the week, sometimes it would be months before I had a good day. Now I can say I get at least one or two good days out of the week. Sometimes if I’m lucky I get a full good week within the month. However, I’ve noticed when things are good for a full day or a full week, when me and my bf fight I always have a relapse afterwards and get a few bad days after that. It’s usually because I fear that we’ll go back to when we would fight all the time or part of me thinks I’m letting him or myself down. I also think that it has to do with me not feeling safe when I argue with anyone. It’s almost like I also put this chart up and count the days till my next relapse and it’s almost like I have to start all over when I have one bad day and it just makes me feel so bad. The bright side is whenever this happens I reflect on how far I’ve came and makes me feel hopeful again. Has anyone dealt with or is dealing with this? What helped?

Need support- relapse :( today I relapsed with my Horrible Ritual. I did the full thing. Premeditated (partially). I felt just like I used to. When I finished the first half before the seal (cutting) I felt myself sink again. And then I sealed it and it felt exactly how I remembered it. How am I supposed to forgive myself for this. Not just for relapsing - but for the behaviors that make up my ritual. How am I ever supposed to overcome this. I feel hopeless: I just want to sew myself up and kill all my nerve endings. I hate having a body. I feel like complete fucking trash and I can’t fathom anyone looking at my body with anything other than disgust. I have had slip ups in the past but this was my first full massive relapse after a sorta long period of time. Three months has been my longest clean streak and i feel so disappointed in myself. I just want to go to sleep and have nice dreams for once.

Im really in a dark place, I just got my second DUI for alcohol and my mom died in July unexpectedly. I've suffered with HOCD for 7 years now and im losing the will to live. I've almost lost everything. I could possibly go to jail too. I don't think my life is worth living anymore and it would be better if I were just dead. I went to my lawyer today and he wants 7500$ to take my case yet i have no money. I'd love to just talk to anyone, I feel very alone

I’m gonna get real about mental heath really quick: -I struggle with OCD day in and day out as we all do, some days are better than others and today was just terrible. School is one of the biggest stressors and on the FOURTH question of my math homework I just lost it. I snapped and I wasn’t really myself anymore. Not the me that can present as one without any mental handicaps. I threw what is probably best described as a temper tantrum. I never get angry and I was just seeing red. I was punching, kicking, and tearing papers out of my notebook. I was throwing things and just losing it. When I took a step back all I felt was guilt. The guilt that I let it get out of hand, that I didn’t do what I’ve done for years which is just suppress it enough to look normal. Then I thought, “why guilt?” What was so wrong with me just having a bad day. Why did I feel guilty for acting out in a way that didn’t hurt anyone, in that tantrum I was thinking about self harm but was self aware to know that wasn’t an option. So I should be proud of that, why did I feel guilty? I should be absolutely proud of myself that even when I’m not okay and I’m at the lowest, I can still recognize the priorities at hand and I know what consequences things hold. I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling, I shouldn’t feel guilty for not being able to hold it down sometimes. There’s no reason why I should feel guilty for not being able to suppress it 1/10 times. That’s better than 9/10. I had to recognize that even when you have “control” of your mental illness, if it’s bad it’s still going to be there. It’s still going to show. You’re STILL going to have those days. So I just really wanted to share that because it was a teaching experience for myself. It’s okay to not be in control sometimes, as long as you can still care about the consequences of your actions it’s okay to not be okay. I shouldn’t feel bad for having a bad day, even if it’s worse than some of the others. You shouldn’t either. ♥️

I've struggled with anxiety, depression, and insomnia since I was a young teen and am currently struggling with what seems like scrupulosity (for the past few months I've been fighting with thoughts and feelings that I'm not saved or not good enough to be a Christian and it keeps me up all night half the time). I desperately want help but I'm afraid that I'm just seeking a diagnosis to blame my shortcomings on something other than myself or that going to a therapist would prove that I can't trust in God and go to him first. And the truth is I truly haven't been a good christian and there are many sins I still haven't totally faced and overcome yet and I'm not sure if I ever will be able to. I just don't know how I KNOW if I'm really the problem or if it is OCD. And I'm not looking for reassurance but maybe I am? I just don't know... if it is OCD it also feels like my "obsessions" are constantly morphing and changing and I can't keep up with them. Like I'll go from having existential thoughts to questioning my belief in God to feeling like I'm gonna turn into a creep or lose my mind or turn evil in some way. I'm just so exhausted and need help. I want to be able to turn to Jesus for help but I don't always know how to... I have faith that things will eventually turn out OK but then as soon as a feel secure in that the anxiety and doubt comes back. And even as I'm typing this I'm having thoughts like "its not that bad you just need to toughen up and be patient" and I know that's true but I just feel so alone and like I can't talk to anyone about this and if I do it'll all prove to be true. And as I write this I wonder if I made up all of these thoughts and feelings because I read online and on here about OCD and I'm trying to fit myself into it as an excuse to avoid my real problems... which might just be perfectly true but even if it is I don't know how to fix those problems??? I just want to get out of this loop and be a better person. I don't know if posting this will help. Maybe its even a compulsion in itself. I just want to understand... how do I know if its OCD or if I'm being convicted? Or both?

I’m not very good at telling people what I want, need, think, feel, or “No.” It’s hard to grow up in a family where you’re told you’re the argumentative, brazen fighter who’s too bold only to learn as an adult that this isn’t true, that you’re codependent and can’t speak your mind and can’t tell anybody “no” until finally you just break down crying in your car in the parking lot because you’re so tired of being invisible and unheard and used.

not ocd related just a small rant 😔 i reached a point in life where having friends is just burdensome... i am very thankful for them, they were beside when i needed them and all but... this kinda relationship suffocates me and it feels wrong to feel this way... i am very close to them but i still have to watch my actions and my words to not say anything stupid that will make everything awkward or jus hurt them unconsciously and i have to explain myself to them in case they will get upset if i dont... and each time i say something stupid i just think about it all day and tell myself " why did you do that... you are the worst" and i just feel sad and disappointed in myself in a blink of an eye. my self esteem just hit rock bottom these past years since i got some new friends in highschool. i just seem to feel inferior when i see them all together having fun and i am just a social failure. and i really cant focus on all of them so it seems like i am ignoring them and i feel bad about it too.. i feel like they just dont match my personality and dont really understand me and each time i am with them i have to keep being happy and funny i just wanna leave everyone and be alone...

Im so tired I’m soooo done I hate my life I hate myself OCD has taking everything from me EVERYTHING

guys i don't know if i can make it..

I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m completely losing touch with myself and reality. I’ve been thinking about the same thing for the past month. Day in and day out. No relief. I keep replaying the memory over and over again in my mind since the moment it happened, and I am absolutely convinced I had terrible intentions because of a thought I had prior to executing an action. I can’t find relief. I don’t know what to do. I can’t focus on anything. Everyone around me is starting to notice. I can’t hide it from my family anymore and I’m afraid to let them into my mind because they will think I’m insane. And I’m starting to feel absolutely insane. I don’t even know how to think about normal things or act normal.

TW Anyone else has this obsession about having schizophrenia or different mental illnesses

Question and I am not sure if I made it clear in a previous post. But I can easily see a new thought of what if I cheated on my wife and blocked it out. Now my wife knows about my ocd. Now that I know how to handle these - is it a compulsion to tell my wife that I’m having a new theme attach itself to me? I want to know whether or not I need to be open about it.

Just out of curiosity, how old are ya’ll? I’m 20. Any of you older folx who have more experience dealing with this disorder, please drop your best tips, it never goes unappreciated. WE CAN OVERCOME THIS 🙌🏻

I’ve had HOCD for five months now and I’m honestly starting to wonder whether it’s HOCD anymore. It all started because I accidentally looked at someone in the wrong place. My life hasn’t been the same since.

I want to share my story (so far) So around October 2019 I began to take my Christian Faith more seriously. This took my actions more seriously. I wanted avoid doing things that were sinful. In the beginning it was pretty small stuff like not cussing or disobeying my parents. But at the time I was working at a restaurant which was a good job until I realized my actions there could be sinful. I thought I had to make everything sanitary because I wanted to treat my neighbor how I would like to be treated, but I took it to an extreme. So if coworkers didn’t wash their hands before drying silverware or if they used a “dirty” rag I would freak out and imagine staying all night to clean all the silver ware because it was “what God wanted me to do” as months went on It got progressively worse and I would see people touch there phone and then touch a clean glass I would take the glass and have it re washed. I got to my boiling point because I thought my job was the reason my ocd was bad. So I quit my job and thought things would get better. They didn’t. Looking back now I realize that I was giving in to my OCD and letting It win. So I have been unemployed for a couple months now and at the beginning it was good but now I can barely leave the house because driving is a lot for my brain to take in and I have some religious views on why driving is harmful for me (I know this is not true and crazy) another thing I’ve had struggles with is I’ll be doing something like bouncing a ball on a wall and catching it and I’ll have a thought like “if you don’t catch it than God doesn’t want you to take that trip” basically making vows to God that I didn’t actually make but my ocd put in my head Anyways that’s my main issues with ocd. Yesterday night I was having a really rough time because I went to the restroom and I touched the hand towel and I thought It was now contaminated so I went back to my room and layed down in agony and I reallly wanted it to be over. I watched a video on YouTube on how to treat ocd and it talked about ERP (I think that’s what it’s called) so basically if you think maybe God wouldn’t want you to do something or maybe something will cause you to sin just do it or think about it and say “I don’t know whether that’s sin or not and I can’t know so I’m just gonna not worry about it” so I went into the kitchen and drank from the tap because I had this obsession that my mom didn’t want me to drink from the tap (I don’t think it’s true but I made my self believe it) and I ate fruit that wasn’t washed and I didn’t brush my teeth before bed because all these things were obsessions of mine it felt liberating to say I don’t know. So then I went to bed feeling empowered but I have this feeling because i still don’t want to sin against God and it seemed like ERP kind of makes you sin. So I was curious if anyone who’s a christian or dealt with Scrupulosity could encourage me on my path and tell me how to view ERP because I don’t want to sin while I’m trying to get rid of my OCD or at least get it controlled. Thanks for your time if anyone reads this I really needed to vent I guess.

Question around contamination ocd and ethics. If you can give feedback I'd so appreciate it. I have a fear right now that over touched something in my house contaminated with covid. Rationally it's so unlikely its contaminated. Just the side of a bookshelf I may have touched yesterday when I felt my hands were contaminated. Realistically i never should have had the concern to begin with. However, i feel guilty doing erp to ignore it, because by not washing my hands and continuing to touch common surfaces in my house, I feel i am spreading it. Is it unfair to my husband to push past and keep going because then hes exposed to what I've touched? ERP gets a lot more confusing when addressing fears that you yourself are the one spreading contamination because you have independence and dominion over yourself to say "I agree to this exposure". When you fear you are the person doing the spreading, its other peoples dominion. Thoughts? Help? Any philosophers out there? Lol

I need help. My current anxiety right now is contamination OCD, my fear of contaminating others and myself. It all started back in February 2020, where I was shopping at Wal Mart. I was walking past the aisle where all the pesticide/herbicide/Roundup are located. Then when I got home, an intrusive thought popped in my head, telling me that I contaminated my clothes and purchased items by pouring it all over myself and my purchase items. I had since thrown them away. Since then over the next several months l I’ve been doing more research on Roundup/glyphosate and its dangers. I then became more anxious over the items I possibly contaminated when my intrusive thoughts told me that I contaminated my belongings, and began throwing them away. I have already thrown away hundreds of dollars worth of books and novels by donating them to a local books store, justifying that I can always repurchase an e book version of them. I also repurchase hundreds dollars of xbox games digitally after my intrusive thoughts told me that the games are contaminated because they made physical contact with the books. Today I was cleaning the carpet with a steam vacuum, and half through the task, I got an intrusive thought telling me that I miss roundup with the water tank, even though there aren’t any in the house. I felt the need to replace my entire carpet in my room. On the same day, I went to Wal mart to buy some new clothes, because the ones that are “contaminated” are sealed in a box getting ready to be donated to a shelter. I was walking down the aisle, to get some clothes hangers, which is across the aisle from the home gardening section which contained all the herbicide/pesticide. Even though I didn’t go to home gardening, I saw the aisle containing the herbicide/pesticide, triggering my anxiety and me into putting the clothes back where they belong. I’m even considering refunding new shoes I bought when I wore it al Wal mart. I’m still distress even when I’m typing this. Long story short, I’m in a rut and I need help. Please.

How to Make OCD Your Bitch I’ve had my ups and downs with OCD, plenty of horrendous days that felt like death but I’ve also had many victories and seasons of joy, love and peace. You may lose a battle every once in a while but OCD is a war you can win. So below I am leaving a few tools, tricks and knowledge I have on how to live the best life possible while having OCD. 1. Accepting the thoughts does not mean you want them to happen: This is a hard concept for people with OCD to understand and it took me a long time to figure this out but let’s say for example you have the thought of “What if I molest this child” or “what if I poisoned that food” by accepting the thought and saying “maybe i do want to molest that child” or “i could’ve poisoned that food” doesn’t mean you actually did or reflect anything about you personally. Remember thoughts are simply just thoughts, they are not behaviors, and not a personal reflection of who you are as a person. 2. Don’t stop the thought, stop the compulsion: So many people with OCD focus on “stopping the thoughts/intrusions” but at the end of the day you are not in control of the thoughts your brain produces however you are in control of your reaction and your compulsions. Instead of resisting the thought focus on resisting the compulsion whether its checking, ruminating, list making, praying, etc... 3. Practice being alone: This one was huge for me, for the longest time possible I always wanted to be distracted, I needed to do something to keep my mind busy and hopefully off of my thoughts and compulsions. However in order to truly find peace you need to learn how to accept yourself, and your own thoughts. Sit still, try maybe five minutes and just let whatever thought you have arise. You may get anxious and you may try to answer the thought or judge it, try your best not to. Be in the mindset of “thoughts can’t cause me harm”, if you find yourself spiraling and your thoughts racing that’s okay, the goal isn’t to get rid of anxiety but rather for you to experience it and understand that you are stronger than it and can manage it. 4. Write out your intrusions: If you start to notice certain thoughts arising more and more, write them out on paper. For me I always struggled with suicide ocd and I used to get mental images of me drinking bleach or hanging myself, however I learned that if I wrote out the images in my head and expressed them on paper it allowed me some freedom from internalizing it and questioning it. Also when you write out these thoughts write out how anxious they made you and describe the sensations, then follow up and write how you felt 10-15mins later as the anxiety starts to unwind a bit. 5. We all have bad days: This is just a truth of life, your treatment will never be perfect, there will be ups and downs. Don’t get discouraged if one day you find yourself compulsing more or if something triggers you more than you would’ve liked. 6. Don’t trust your “feelings”: When I say this I mean if you feel “great” one day don’t get ahead of yourself and act like you are cured and the same goes when you have a day where you feel “down” don’t start obsessing about “how long am I going to feel like this” focus on your functioning, did you get out of bed? Did you go to work/school? Did you perform any hobbies or take any action on your goals? If you are able to perform daily tasks be proud of that even if a little obsessing gets in the way. 7. Believe that you are here for a reason: You are not floating around nilly willy, you have value, you have a purpose. There are things in life that you are supposed to achieve, feel and experience. You may feel like you are in a dark place and sometimes the pain may be irritating but that pain will be replaced have faith!!