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the NOCD Community

*Recovery Update* Hey Everyone, a few weeks ago I posted some of my recovery story so far. I am about 75% recovered so far and many of you had some questions and concerns about your own OCD Journey. Firstly, I know after a period of time, your OCD starts to feel more real and convincing. Bare in mind, this is completely normal. Yes you read that right, NORMAL! RELAX AND TAKE DEEP BREATHS when you feel overwhelmed! Your mind is playing tricks on you. OCD is a bully, it has a lot of power over you and can easily trap you into believing its lies but you do not have to fall for it no matter how real it feels. No matter whatever the thought is, the fact that it is sticking in your mind and you’re obsessing over it is still OCD. The fact you may doubt it’s OCD is still OCD. It is a doubting disease. You will have lapses and relapses. You will have days where you want to throw the towel in and give up. You will have days where you want to do millions of compulsions. But ask yourself, where has reassurance got you so far? Probably in a worse place. You do not need to explain yourself to OCD. It’s not worthy of an explanation. You’re bigger than this B**tard. You’re worthy of fully recovering and getting back to living a normal life. You deserve it if OCD tells you, you don’t tell it to F OFF. Another tip I would like to give people is stay away from all forums as much as possible, this made me so much worse. It can become easily triggering and once you read another theme that an OCD sufferer has may trick you into that theme too. Depersonalisation/Derealisation is very common too. It is a defence mechanism when your brain has suffered too much stress/trauma caused by anxiety. Feel free to ask any questions you may have. I will be happy to help.

Is it possible to love someone to the point of where you feel really attached to them and cannot forget them and cannot leave but still not be attracted to them?

god im not sure which is worse like being afraid that im gay or that im asexual like i get so sad thinking about the fact that i may never have fulfilling sex or even great kisses or love and that i will die alone and that when i look back on my youth it will have been waisted my body will only be youthful and nice for a while and ive already waisted so many years but the idea of like okay i go on a date i go back to their place like what do i do from there? do we just make out immediately? that just seems weird to me like i want there to be build up to that and intense chemistry but i feel like now a days if you arent like full blown hooking up by the first or second date or at the latest the third then the guy starts to think youre weird and i hate that im like this like i wish i could just hook up with someone meaninglessly and not be all in my head because i do have wants and needs everytime i masterbate i feel reassured of my sex drive and my orientation and thats why its just always been easier to read erotic fiction and take care of my needs on my own but then i go if i was gay would it be easier to like be intimate maybe this is hard because im gay like its either asexual or gay or bisexual like there has to be an explenation for the way my life is and how hard intimacy and romance has always been for me i just feel like something is wrong with me something is broken but i want love i want sex but when i actually have to go for it i freak out even with making out... so many what if questions... what if my body is gross to them? what if im a horrible kisser? what if i want it at first and change my mind but they rape me? what if im bad at it? what if my breath is bad? what if they notice i have no experience and make me leave and humiliate me? what if i find out that i am asexual or gay while on the date? what if they like me more than i like them? what if i like them more than they like me? what if its just awkward and humiliating for both of us because i have no idea what im doing? i do want to have sex but im also extremely afraid of sex and intimacy which i hear is what asexual people sound like and that freaks me out because i dont want to die a lonely virgin i dont want to be asexual i do want connection and intimacy its just also the most terrifying thing in the world to me and im too old for that to be okay still... i just imagine that no one will be accepting of me at this stage in my life in terms of having sex... either i will be a fetish or i will be a pitty project or i will be rejected for being a freak i just honestly have no clue... and so ive always just avoided all of it all together but i cant hadle the loneliness anymore can anyone relate? when i read that other people with sexual orientation ocd still have relationships and sex i go okay well then yeah im definitely asexual or gay because if they can actually have those things and i cant then there is more than ocd happening here but then i go well i have death obsessions and pocd but my sexual orientation ocd its like well what if im just asexual or gay with pocd and death ocd like one is being in the closet and the other two are ocd and i just dont know the difference... can anyone relate? i guess im feeling pretty crap tonight 😕 has anyone gone to sex therapy? im feeling like a lost cause

As you guys may know I'm very paranoid about other people. At the moment I'm worried about my mom :/ and at this point idek what to think or feel. I'm not sure if it OCD making me paranoid. Or if it's something else.

You guys I need to let this go! I’m driving myself crazy over a dream. I don’t know how to let it go. I had a sexual dream while I was holding my daughter. It was about normal things and then i felt like I was about to have a sleep orgasm and then I started to smell her and feel her(because I was smelling her and feeling her, she was laying on me) and had a vision of pulling her into me, and smelling her head-then I jolted awake. I did not have an orgasm, and I woke up and she was asleep. But Im having this fear that would if she was the reason I was turned on to begin with in the dream? Would if I didn’t wake up quick enough? Would if I did actually go to pull her into me, and it wasn’t just the dream? I’m so disturbed and I want to let it go!!!! I wanna let it go so badly. As soon as it happened I said okay it was a dream, don’t ruminate. And then I fucked up and came back to it a few hours later and started to ruminate and now I’m stuck in the rabbit hole. Would if it wasn’t a dream? Would if I had some level of consciousness and knew what I was doing? Would if I enjoyed it? I’m having such a hard time! I just wanna move on from it.

What exactly would be considered false memory ocd? Would like let’s say, I was eating an apple at dinner the other night but I can’t remember if it was an apple for sure but my brain is saying “maybe it was a carrot” weird example but is that considered false memory ocd, bassicly then I can’t remember if it was really and apple or carrot??

TMI question for the men in here - have you ever gotten erect or had a groinal response when you were playing with or taking care a kid?

*note: if you cant do therapy for location reasons, I'm sorry anf I wish you the best. This will be less applicable to those who CANT do therapy. But... Still, could be helpful to a lot of you. I believe in and love you guys💛 Hello! On therapy: The first time I had a therapist was about 8 years ago. I was terrified of her. I felt so uncomfortable in her office. I was terrified when I ran into her at church. There wasnt anything necessarily wrong with her, but she scared me anyway. Even now, I get butterflies in my stomach thinking about her. My second therapist was better. She was younger, and I found it easier to relate to her. I still got some anxiety about going to her, but better. I think some of my anxiety about this and the last therapist was because my parents were pretty closely involved, which made me uncomfortable. Attending sessions on my own was easier for me, though it may not be for others. My third therapist was an older woman again. I did not relate to her or enjoy her style, so I only attended 2 sessions with her. My third again was young and relateble. He was funny, and I attended sessions without my parents. I still got a little nervous, but it was better this time. He was also the one who diagnosed me with OCD. My point? You've tried therapy. Maybe you hated it. The therapist was wierd, didn't understand you, talked too much, brought religion in too much, didn't listen to you enough, etc. So... Youve sworn off all therapy. Okay. So if one therapist was bad, its not worth it. Tried it already, right? Except... Maybe the therapist you tried just didnt fit with you. If you didn't like your therapy experience, neither did I. I hated it a lot in the beginning. But, I was eventually able to find a therapist that would really clock with me and what I needed. So... Invitation to you... If you have tried therapy, and you don't want to go back, I get it. But it took me a few tries. So, if you are able to, I strongly encourage you to get therapy. It will be worth it to find the right one.

EVEN BEFORE HOCD I WOULD GET WORRIED THAT PEOPLE WOULD THINK I WASNT STRAIGHT AND SOMETIMES I WOULD WORRY THAT I WOULD TURN GAY AND IM SCARED BECAUSE IDK ANYONE ELSE WITH HOCD THST HAD SOME OF THESE THOUGHTS BEFORE OCD

Is p*rn a bad idea when I’m suffering from HOCD? I’m a straight male btw. because I used to be able to look at it and only focus on the women I was seeing. Now I can’t even see it with out feeling uncomfortable and noticing the man far more than I used to. I still am attracted to the woman but I can’t help but notice the guy and just lose all arousal.

OCD Station :) . Down below in the comments it’s a place to vent. Whatever you want. Whatever you need. If you need help. If you need someone to talk to. Or if you just want to say hi. It’s an open place :)

Is anybody else in a great relationship but is having trouble being in the moment because they’re afraid they’re secretly a lesbian in denial? It’s so distressing because if these worries and obsessions turned out to be true, it would basically invalidate the whole relationship. It’s causing me soooo much anxiety. Like every time we kiss instead of enjoying it my brain is going “am I feeling anything/enough?” Etc etc very distressing

I'm panicking a bit, I woke up to multiple bug bites in groups of two around my ankles and on my back, so naturally, I googled it. It said that it may be bed bugs, and it's making me feel disgusting. Does someone else also experience this? If so, was it bed bugs? And if it was bed bugs, how did you get them out?

*Checks time* Yep, seems like the perfect time for a 2:00 am depressive episode. This is very triggering and me documenting my own experience so please read with caution. I don't feel anything anymore. I am dead inside. Very little brings me joy. I cry about five times a day. I feel nauseous often. This is about the time I start leaving relationships. Cutting off friendships. Locking myself away in my room. Eating less. Losing interest in hobbies... breathing. I just don't care anymore. I am exhausted with reality, I am exhausted with this painful joke of an existence I have. I don't even know if it is OCD anymore. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am so massively fucked up inside. For some reason, I am somewhat convinced that maybe I secretly am just a really malicious person. That the thoughts I have had are valid (Harm OCD) and say something about my character. The funny thing is, I'm not even actively having the intrusive thoughts lately but just the fact that I have had them bothers me. And I feel like my brain is always on defense, ready to fend them away when they do come. "Do I love him? How do I know I love him?Do I really love people? Why am I here? What is wrong with me? How do I fix this issue? Why is this happening to me? Am I making it all up? Am I crazy? Maybe I'm a psychopath... maybe these thoughts keep coming up because hurting people is the only thing that will make me feel alive and good again...god, I don't want to hurt people--" And the list goes on. The dialogue is incessant and pervasive so much so that I can't even hear it anymore. My mind is like an active beehive and I have to cope with the insufferable buzzing that permeates through my skull 24/7. I can't pinpoint any particular thoughts anymore because it is just a constant hum of activity and chaos. My skin is crawling because of what is nestled inside. I am so incredibly uncomfortable right now in my own body, like never before. I feel like my body is an itchy wool sweater I'm squirming to get out of. I just want to take a vacation from my own mind. Why is my brain doing this to me? Why won't it ever allow me to be happy? I just want to feel normal again. I just want to feel safe and comfortable within my own mind and body again. Is that so much to ask for? Anyways, this is already a novel but I figured it is better to let it out than go to bed sobbing. NOCD has become my Livejournal (if you're over the age of 20, you probably got that reference). Have a decent Thursday... May we all overcome this demon and many more. 👹⚔

Skin care tips for skin-picking disorder please!! On top of/related to my OCD I've had lifelong skin picking disorder. Anyway I had a bad night and I've picked away at two areas on my face (I don't even have acne just random spots I've picked away at) which are now huge bloody scabs and also a patch of bleeding nastiness on my lip. Every day I tell myself I'm NOT going to pick the scabs off and then before I know it I'm picking them off and they're bloody again. Recs/tips for 1. How to stop picking the damn scabs off and 2. Any products you've used that will make this heal faster??? It is hideous and too bloody to cover with make up :(

just realized i’ve been doing mental compulsions this whole time

Does anyone else know they didn’t do something but than they can’t be certain they didn’t ? I have intrusive thoughts that make me terrified I have abused a child. One minute I’m positive I haven’t and the next I can’t be 100%. I end up going over a situation so much I add details that then become real to me and make me doubt myself more. For example, I just changed her diaper and now I’m terrified I did something I wasn’t suppose to even though I know I didn’t. But now I’m sitting here concerned I did. How do you cope with this?

I don’t have any anxiety. Does this mean I need to break up with him? The thought gives me peace somewhat, but at the same time it still makes me sad. Maybe it’s my body not being able to process this anxiety anymore? I’ve been panicky for the past 7 days non stop, so maybe this means my body physically can’t be anxious anymore? I love him. I do. But idk what else to do.

so i’ve been dealing with this theme of being scared of not seeing my boyfriend for him. the constant intrusive thoughts of “what if you’re transphobic” “what if you’re bigoted” “you don’t see him for him” and all this terrible stuff. so as an exposure i’ve been watching trans tiktoks and videos about being transgender and learning how to be a better ally and i’ve been doing this for the last three days and i don’t know if it’s the healthiest thing tbh cause yesterday i looked in the mirror and all of a sudden i looked at my chest and my head goes “what if you’re trans” and i really hope this doesn’t get out of hand as well it’s so hard. my head is so jumbled up right now

Hi guys. So my main theme that I've had for many years is mainly harm OCD/violent intrusive thoughts. I've had a couple other themes like inappropriate/unwanted sexual thoughts. I've been able to have some quite successful "remission" periods from these thoughts over the years- although they can still pop up and cause some problems every once in awhile. I've had the harm OCD thoughts about people that I love (which is typical), both about my family members and about my long-term boyfriend. These themes haven't bothered me for a bit now, but a few days ago I started worrying about what if I start analyzing and preservating on how I act when I'm with my boyfriend and then I'm unable to act "my true self" because I'm focusing on it? how I act normally with him is so natural, but what if I start focusing on it and ruin that? Or what if, since we've been together for a year now, I'm not interesting enough or funny or whatever? what if he doesn't love me as much now? I know that these thoughts are irrational, and he tells me he loves me so much and I know he does, but what if I start focusing on how often he tells it to me or his tone of voice? this is bothering me because it's not like me to doubt his love or worry that I'm not going to be able to act like my "normal self". it just kinda freaks me out because when I look at information about ROCD it doesn't really seem to be what I'm experiencing- I'm not constantly questioning if our relationship is "the right one", I'm worried that I'm somehow going to ruin it. Is this an OCD thing that happens to people? Is this normal? I'm not suffering as much as I have in the past when I've been really stuck on an OCD thought/theme, but it's still bothering me enough to make me randomly cry. any input would be appreciated. thanks