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the NOCD Community

I feel like such a monster. I wish I could get over this obsession but it seems to always be at the back of my mind. I know sexual experimentation is normal as a child, but what I did, I think goes beyond that. I was 10, and I put my little sister’s hand on my breast while she was sleeping. For my own sexual gain or curiosity, I don’t even know at this point. I don’t think I can ever let myself live this down. I’m so disgusting and terrible and I wish I could erase what I’ve done, I really do.

Hello everyone. It’s my first time on this app and I’m nervous and scared about my sexuality. I’ve identified as straight all my life. I’ve had numerous and countless girl crushes over the years and have never considered myself gay or bisexual in the slightest. But 4 months ago, my friend called me “sus” for knowing a gay scene from the movie Moonlight, and I haven’t been able to stop questioning and obsessing over my sexuality. As the months went by (4 months) I started to remember memories of my childhood which I’m terrified by. I’m remembering times when I had erections to things that were gay, like the Take me to Church music video and the Incredible Hulk game for the PS2. (Everytime the hulk took heavy damage, he would start heavily breathing. Keep in mind I was 8-9 when the hulk incident happened and 13-14 when the Take me to church video incident happened.) I would get erections to everything and anything that would be remotely sexual during those times, but the first thing I ever masturbated to was a woman, and have continued to do so for 6 years. I don’t have any hate or malice towards the LGBTQ+. If people want to be married to the person they love, then what’s stopping them you know? I just don’t see the point in discrimination based on sexuality. But I don’t know what I am anymore. I know I want to be married to a woman and have kids and live the rest of my life with her, but this HOCD has been bringing out the worst in me like bringing up the past, provide groinal responses, and false attraction to boot. I don’t know if what I’m going through is OCD. I’ve been on Reddit, Psychforums, OCDaction, and anything that could help me find out a lot at to prove if what I have is HOCD or not. I’ve spent countless hours ruminating and going on forums and websites to prove that I’m straight. Please help me. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual. Not because of any social stigmas or public repercussions, but because it feels right by ME.

how can i learn to be okay with this. no one is truly helping me because they know im right and want me to suffer.

Therapy isn’t gonna help me. Nobody else in this world is real like me. They all just want to convince me that I’m crazy when I know what’s actually going on. My therapist is just gonna be another machine to mess with me. Why does it have to be me of all people stuck in a place like this? What did I do wrong?

Triggers I experienced yesterday: 1. Gronial responses 2. Hearing the word experiment over and over again 3. Hearing the phrase “I’m scared my mum won’t accept me,” and having a panic attack. 4. Scared that I’m giving off vibes because someone sent me the rainbow emoji 5. Scared that I fancied someone because I said they were pretty more than once. 6. Having intrusive thoughts over 6-7 individuals 7. Having panic attacks 8. Scared of bra advertisements 9. Having to watch videos with people in to make sure that I don’t fancy them 10. Analyzing intrusive thoughts 11. Worrying that my future self is trying to tell my present self that I am and I’ve accepted myself in the future 12. Loss of attraction 13. Scared that I watched movies because I fancied the actresses 14. Scared that the men I fancy may look feminine 15. Scared of rainbow objects 16. Urges that cause distress 17. Terrified if I don’t take my medication 18. A constant urge for reassurance 19. My brain telling me that I fancy everyone I see 20. Scared I’m going to look “in the wrong place.” 21. Disgust and discomfort when I imagine sexual or romantic relationships with women 22. Scared that people will think I am 23. Scared that I’ve done things in the past that I’m unaware of 24. Scared that I fancied people and was unaware.

I have been in treatment for over 2 years now for hocd perfectionist ocd and contamination ocd but I feel like I may be experiencing a new theme. I’ve slowly began obsessing about the idea I could be pregnant but don’t know it. This became much worse and I’ve been obsessing and compulsive and losing sleep over it bc my period is late by 4 days. I’ve reverted back to endless google searches trying to figure it out and ultimately can’t shake the thoughts or worry. Any helpful advice ???

Does anyone’s ocd make up statements in your head of ideas. It’s been saying to me I need to leave my wife and I’ve living a lie.

does anyone else suffer from being unable to think about anything besides death. death in general but especially suicide? i spend every waking moment of my life thinking of death or wishing for death. it’s just something i’ve gotten used to because i can’t do anything without voices in my head saying i want to die or i wish i was dead.

no no no no no no. omg i just remembered that about a month before ocd i drew a picture of things i hated about myself or that i was insecure about. i drew stuff like being too pale, or having really dark under eye circles, or being too skinny. but i also remember drawing the bi flag colors behind me. i drew them because it was something that i hated and made me sad. i never identified as bi, to myself or publicly. but a couple years ago i had like a month where i questioned my sexuality. i eventually stopped and forgot about that but from time to time i had the thoughts pop into my head. i think i drew the colors bc i was sad bc of the possibility of being bi and bc it scared me and i didn’t want it, not bc ik i was bi and i was insecure about it. ik it’s common for ocd sufferers to find “proof” that they are what they fear, but this isn’t just subtle things that could hint i was gay, this is literally me thinking about it enough to draw about it. i show almost every symptom of hocd tho, so i think i have it, and i’m going to get therapy soon to try to get a formal diagnosis, but fuck man, this is so much. a lot of ppl w hocd say they want to go back to how they were before, but i don’t bc that’s where all my proof comes from and it’s so triggering to me now. idk how much more proof i can find, or handle before i break. i’ve been thinking about this all day and it makes me physically cringe and repulse. fuck me, i want to start over as someone new, i fucked everything up before. this makes no sense sorry, but venting makes me feel better.

Starting to realize that OCD in the brain is like murk in the water. The murky water never settles and stays murky. Learning to let time pass, and let the murk in the water to settle so you can finally drink the clean water at the top is key. Our brain is like murky water when we entertain our thoughts or engage in compulsions, we never stop shaking the water and the murk never settles. And then we think because we don’t have the right tools, “well obviously I’m disgusted by these thoughts so yeah take that OCD it’s not true”, But in fact, that is like boiling the murky water. we think we are killing the germs by boiling them away, but the water is still murky except now it’s boiling and chaotic. That is our brain. We must find the right tools, exposures and response preventions, that will act like our water filter. Only then will the water stop being murky. Only then will we learn how to make clean water to drink.

Tbh I'm sick and tired of this I literally can't be my self because of my Socd makes me think I'm gay like i over think of everything i do the way I talk the way i walk that's why I stay quiet sometimes and i try to walk as straight as possible now the thing is i have a girlfriend she knows about my Harm ocd and harming others ocd but not my Pocd nor my Socd it's really hard to wake up with this anxiety everyday it's not easy and i try to be positive but I just don't know how to do it. I don't want to be gay I want to have my girlfriend as my wife one day and have kids with her im trying to make something of myself trying to do something good in my life. I know the pain all of you feel it will get better keep being strong don't give up always think positive fuck these unwanted thoughts or urges we have we have control over this we choose who we want to be don't let these thoughts fool you into thinking there stronger that's wrong your stronger. Everyone stay strong don't stop believing you'll get out of this one day.

I have feelings of stabbing someone and weird thoughts and images. Is this game ocd I am scared

really wanting reassurance god i wont ask for it i just need to vent i leave social interactions always ruminating the ways i was a bad person or too much or talked too much or was too over the top or this or that or bad or made people not like me and then also the moments i had intrusive thoughts and i feel like when i like someone i avoid them on purpose because i go im a lot i have so much baggage and their better off without me even if its just a date or flirting i find a way of convincing myself through ruminating and intrusive thoughts that its like well i think these things they deserve a purely good person and outside of ocd im a mess and theyd be dating someone who was always wondering her sexuality and who had perverted intrusive thoughts and i just feel bad for someone dating me sometimes i talk too much and i can take up all the conversation and i dont mean it its like if i have anxiety cracking jokes and being entertaining makes me feel useful and safe but sometimes i go ugh i didnt include people and then i go what if im a narcissist like why do i need this attention and validation so much and i go yeah i was too much i bet they all hate me even though i know they dont hate me but its like i go well i couldve been better at that when interacting so i get hard on myself and analyze all the things that wouldve made the moment the way it shouldve been like tonight ... this guy i think i like at my catering job sometimes we make prolonged eye contact and one time he asked to make me a drink and went out of his way to bring me wine when i never got back to the bar to get it from him at the end of the night ... of course in my mind i turned these small things into meaning way more than they do because of how lonely i am... anyway today i avoided him more than i used to and purposely didnt talk to him and i feel bad about it because its rude to do that even if the reason is because i like him oand i think because i was afraid to talk to him i was way too obnoxious and loud when talking to my friends at work and im just afraid i made a fool of myself and that he probably finds me annoying and weird because i was a little annoying and weird... and then i go you dont even know if you like him or you want to like him so just leave all crushes alone because youre not in a place to even flirt these schmucks deserve a normal girl with normal thoughts and with a normal history and future i would be ruining their life because im already ruining mine... like the thing is i hate ruminating over this stuff like i want to just have a cute moment or bad moment and let it go and say okay if something happens great if not great or like ill be fine either way but i know once i think to much about a certain infatuation i will ruin the chances of any potential ... in my mind alone i can play out all circumstsances until seeing that person becomes a way bigger thing than it should and then i go great does this make me a creep that i even over think this stuff because its not even about the person its more about a fantasy i make in my mind about them and then about me shitting on myself in regards to never deserving the fantasy ... hope that makes sense and people can relate 🤷‍♀️

This is just my opinion, but I’m starting to think ocd is a symptom if a much deeper issue within us. Whenever I seem to do erp, if I do happen to do it correctly and the fear goes down, it’s just a matter of time before it switches to something else again. Does anyone else think this too?

hi everyone, i’ve been using this app for about 2 weeks now, maybe a little more or less than that, i can’t remember exactly when i downloaded it because these past 3 weeks have all been a blur. ive mostly just been lurking and observing other people’s posts and conversations. i’m currently suffering from some bad existential ocd. i haven’t been getting a lot of sleep since lockdown started. i’ve known i’ve had ocd for awhile now but i’ve never gotten any kind of help for it. i don’t talk about my problems to anyone and keep all my thoughts bottled up until i get over things on my own. but every time i go through a phase like this it gets worse each time it comes back. i haven’t felt like this in over 3 years and i thought i was done a finally free but now it feels like my life is over. i had a doctor’s appointment this past Tuesday and i’m going to be getting counseling (i’m not sure if there’s a difference between counseling and therapy, the word my doctor used specifically was counseling. she might have just said that but meant therapy or maybe there is a difference im not sure) but i don’t see the point. everyone tells me to ‘embrace the uncertainty’ but i don’t know how i can go on living happily with the possibility of my worst fears being true. i won’t say what they are in this post but if you’re curious I’ll tell you. i put a trigger warning just in case i get into the conversation of what exactly my worst fears are with anyone and i don’t want to trigger anyone who’s also dealing with the same problems as me. i just thought, in case im wrong-which i hope i am-that it wouldn’t hurt to talk it out right now. my mom and dad don’t fully understand and i don’t want to scare them and it might be a few more weeks before i start counseling.

I don’t know what’s going on with me but I feel like there’s no repairing whatever it is that happened to my mind and most of the time I feel like I just want to be trapped in this world I made up in my head. It’s feels as if I may have a sort of mental illness, or maybe just trying to figure out myself and how I view the world, but sometimes I feel like I’m going insane or have gone insane. Getting through everyday with my head is hard but I’ve kind of already gotten used to it and I don’t think I could ever go back to being normal. I just get all of these thoughts to do things I don’t want to do but my mind tells me it makes to much sense not to do it. I just feel like a sort of genius that has started to see and understand things that others don’t so it will forever separate me from other people and I’m going go to spend the rest of my life pretending to be normal. I don’t know if this is a form of psychosis or unhealthy escapism, but I can’t get out of it no matter what because I literally don’t know what else to think about. I have a problem with absolutely everyone now because of my thoughts and I feel like I don’t love people like I used to or that I even have the desire to be around people anymore. Something just got really messed up in my head and I could go on forever about the stuff in my mind but I don’t think anyone would read it. I’m just tired of sinking into weird thinking but it all just become very complicated but all my mind does everyday is over analyze and try to figure out my head and things I could possibly never answer and create problems. I just always feel so confused. I think if I saw a therapist they would take my thoughts too seriously or think I was pretending or stupid. I actually don’t even know which one it is either, but sometimes I feel like I don’t even want to get help because I don’t deserve it and that I don’t even want to change. I just think so much but I can’t imagine thinking any other way because I’m so used to this and I don’t think there’s a cure for overthinking so it’s not like any of this could be undone.

i really don't think it's ocd... like i'm so gross.. i cant see myself the same.. like i think i genuinely got @roused by thinking of lolis :(.. and i feel like because of that one response i can't see the person the same anymore.. i feel like i'm a predator to them when i'm literally 15 and wish them the best.. i'm so disgusted. also i'm so scared. i feel like i could get @roused by anything even shit i dint like. and then i think " i don't mind doing this" i feel so gross omg

Help I don’t want to be atheist

I just can't do this anymore. I am not sure of anything. I can't do this.

I get this feeling of supression of emotions where I no longer feel anxiety over the intrusive thoughts and no longer can cry and even though Im distressed I don't feel physical anxiety. It makes me question if I'm accepting that I am a P. Then I remember that trying to make yourself feel anxious on purpose will inherently make you not feel anxious! I dont speak to a psych for meds till monday but I feel like an imposter thats using OCD as an excuse. Repeating "its OCD" doesn't help and I know its because its a compulsion. I'm at a loss