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Hey everyone, I really need help since it seems I can't go foward. I'm a man from Brazil so apologizes if I write something wrong. I have always been heterossexual and It seems I have HOCD for almost 10 years. At the beginning, it wasn't so hard to deal. Some thoughts used to pop up but not so frequently, it caused me panic a few times and the anxiety used to increase too. But I was able to keep having a normal life. Unfortunately at the end of last year, the thoughts started to appear again but much more stronger that I couldn't handle them. The anxiety increased much more, the pressure in my forehead increase a lot too and I started to heave some weird sensations. A heavy weight on my chest, groinal responses and started to have sexual arousal towards every single guy that appeared in front of me. And to get things worst, it seemed so real that I wasn't even able to recognize myseld. Every compulsion that I tried to do, suddenly wasn't working anymore. I started to doubt about my sexuality, about the soccer/football team I've been fan my entire life and also made me think about changing my gender to become a women, and some other stuff. Nowadays, the attraction that I had for women is almost 100% gone and the groinal responses and the sexual arousal feelings increased a lot more and my mind makes me thing that I'm liking and it's so real. Is it really HOCD? Thanks in advance.

Hey everyone, I got diagnosed with hocd over a month ago, my first episode of hocd thoughts started August 23rd and I just got into a relationship with a girl who I crushed on the entire summer. I was watching a tv show that night that had a gay scene in it and I suddenly started questioning if I was gay. That question has gotten so deep that I feel like I am gay now. Every time I am with my girlfriend I feel like I need to break up with her because I am gay now. Whenever I’m with her my thoughts are saying to me “break up with her, you will like it”, “I don’t deserve her”, “you never actually cared about her”. Also I feel like I get annoyed with her now and I’m finding all of her flaws and stuff I don’t like about her, before this I never had any of these thoughts and I liked her so much. These thoughts feel so real that I’m worried I actually will break up with her. But I don’t have any reason too. I get really scared because I feel like I’m going to lose her and I have the fear that I end up being gay in the end and it completely tears her apart. Sorry for it being so long.

After I started doing ERP-excersises and trying to prevent doing compulsions all day long it feels like Im worse. I realise it feels that way beacuse I am more attentive to it all. While before I just didnt have or do anything in my life so the anxiety would shut up a little. And I was so deep in conpulsing I didnt really notice 6 hours passing. It was more annoyance and apathy that my llfe was empty. Now its just terror all the time. Everything is going off. But still I have done things I havent done in years! I have done things I never thought Id do. Small things, but still. But now at 2.22 am lying in bed not being able to sleep because my friends hate me, Im worried Im gonna kill myself by accident, Im should die if I dont get an A, maybe I shouldnt be with my boyfriend, and what if Im not even real!? Well then it just feels like maybe standing up to OCD isnt so smart. I wanna cry. But I dont know how. Havent been able to cry for a long time. Im scared and worried and I dont think I can do it anymore. I need to check! Need to confess! Need to figure out everything. Im so so tired.

Think I'm gonna keep this as my last post for now: I know that I made mistakes, they weren't my proudest moments, but the mistakes don't define me. I know they're mistakes because I didn't have any intent on such harm for anyone else. One of my mistakes involved exploring sexually with others my age and other mistakes involve coming across shocking content I know I didn't want to see. My thoughts keep acting like the opposite, but it's not. I'm keeping it as this, and I'm taking a break from this app. It just adds onto further compulsions I've been constantly told not to feed. Think I'll be back around the end of the month. Need a break from the usual routine to see if it changes anything.

My porn escalation since I was 11 years old (first time watching porn/hentai) has made me realize that it’s because of porn itself that my occasional POCD exists, and how my HOCD has kept a grasp on me. I’m trying to stop watching porn so that I can heal my mind from this. I will get better. I know I’m not gay/bisexual or a pedo. I know I’m better than this. I know I am.

I’m so done. I have been doing okay these past couple weeks. I’ve been obsessing, but trying not to perform compulsions. Yesterday my boyfriend and I had a fight. He made a joke about our sex life, not meaning to offend me but he did. We were literally talking about underwear, and he said “well it’s not like I see down there that often anyways” and he said it in a jokingly way, not in a hurtful tone. But it still hurt my feelings because he knows that our sex life has not always been the best. We haven’t had sex in a little over two weeks while we agreed to try once a week to work on our sex life. Of course he is understanding and never is mean about that.. but he did make that joke and it hurt my feelings. We were literally heading out to go somewhere but I refused to go, and just sat on the couch. We then started arguing, and now we are coming up on the part I’m obsessing about. He said “you’re getting so defensive it was just a joke” but I told him “it’s not just a joke to me! It hurts my feelings when you joke about that subject.” Then he said “well I didn’t know you couldn’t take a joke” and I said “Don’t gaslight me! You have never done that wtf!” And he said “it was an accident okay. I didn’t mean to say that joke. I’m sorry.” But at that point I said “and don’t gaslight me saying I’m defensive and that I can’t take a joke! That’s the literal definition of gaslighting!” And he said “I didn’t mean to gaslight you. I’m sorry.” He then proceeded to wait in the car for me. That’s also probably not the exact order of the argument, but I tried to type it lol. We then made up, and I told him at the end “I don’t want gaslighting to become a thing. You have never done that (we have been together for 4.5 years), what’s up?” And he said “I didn’t know I was gaslighting you. Now that I know I won’t say those things, I’m sorry.” Now I’m obsessing that I’m with a gas lighter. Or a manipulator. I was doing so good until an argument triggered me. What should I do? I’m trying not to ask for reassurance. But my boyfriend is honestly so amazing and I love him so much. Yesterday I just started crying in bed about everything going on in my life (I’m just stressed with school and work) and he held me, and cuddled me until I felt better. Then right as we were heading out for him to take me to get ice cream, this happened. It just seems like every time I’m doing okay something happens for me to obsess about, or I have a thought and I obsess about it. I’m so tired. I just want to be happy with him. Not get anxious about something. I’ve obsessed about this before, but in a different way. It was completely out of context, saying he was being “narcissistic” but he absolutely was not. I looked up the definition and nothing really matched up. So I let go of that. But now it’s this and I’m obsessing whether or not I’m with a gas lighter. What do I do? How do I expose this? These past couple months I have commented on everything he does wrong.. all of his flaws in our relationship.. I have done so many things wrong.. but he does one thing wrong in an argument and ocd makes a catastrophe out of it. Thanks for reading this far.

I am surprised by how many people have sexual orientation ocd issues. I don't know if it helps or hinders but as someone who is gay and trans (and out), its alright to be queer. I understand the fears associated; I mean its of course more challenging to go through life as a gay person, but its also more rewarding. Not necessarily more rewarding to be gay/queer than it is to be straight but its more rewarding to be your authentic self whatever that may mean. So like even if you are gay its okay. You will survive. You might even thrive. Queer communities tend to be really focused on personal truths and being authentic with yourself and that can be a positive environment. Not to say that its not valid to have that fear or anything. Its perfectly understandable. I dunno just late night thoughts I guess.

Feel like my ocd causes me to go through rituals more hours out of my day. I don’t have rituals all day but mainly anytime I use the bathroom expecially when I go number 2 and sometimes it gives me stress to think about for an hour after I go to the bathroom I will be doing rituals in the bathroom. Sometimes I can’t even walk out my front door without doing a ritual. These all came on worse when the pandemic started. I have told me dr and he said I should take more Prozac (40mg) but I’m only willing to do 30mg a day. I don’t know why I have these rituals it’s like it’s in my mind or something. Sometimes they cause me stress even thinking about having to do them.

I'm beginning to feel that real event OCD is something that's much harder to tackle on here for people including myself. I'm frantically switching from being okay with my past mistakes to not being okay with the mistakes at all. I've posted about these mistakes and I was told that I could just move on from the mistakes from people on here and friends online. I even enlisted in extensive research saying that my mistakes really are mistakes. It's complicated. I feel I'd be better if my mind just stuck to one perspective and kept it that way.

Hi all, I have relationship OCD since May 2019. It's incredibly painful but I'll never forget the moment I was searching youtube and Google for answers about my relationship and I came across someone who brought up rOCD. It was an entirely new concept for me . When I read into it, I can't even describe the wave of relief I felt and that I wasn't alone with these thoughts and feelings. And so that's when I started reading books and blogs. I've been seeing a therapist and I really like her. I've fallen in love with this app as well. It feels nice to have more sources of knowledge and connection. My main question currently (and I know it's a compulsion, but i just need to know): Does anyone with rOCD experience fear about having kids with their significant other? It's always the same questions- what if we divorce? What if I'm not excited to be pregnant? What if I don't feel joy being a mother with my partner? What if I'm not happy and I need to divorce? Watching movies with families, babies, pregnancies, first dates/love- are extremely difficult. We've been together for ~9 years now. I've always been excited to start a family with him. Since rOCD manifested, i feel like all of the things that brought me joy were robbed from me, eg. Kids, pregnancy etc. I feel fear and uncertainty now. I even fear that someone/therapist might say "yea, idk those kinds of thoughts don't seem normal. You probably should leave that relationship." Anyway- may everyone keep getting stronger. Wishing everyone the best. We can do this! ❤️🦖

I wish I was at a OCD residential treatment center smfh. It’s the only way I can get better smh. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of not understanding of who I actually am. It’s like I have 2 different personalities when I see a women therapist and dude therapist smh. I take 2 different approaches to both smh. When I’m around women I try to not act so vulgar and manly cuz I don’t want them to think of me as some asshole. When I have a therapy session with a dude I act normal. I even got pissed off at the gay psychiatrist cuz he was referring my thoughts as my own and not OCD. Man I wish I knew what to do when it comes to therapy. I just need help. I know I’m depressed. I know I’m depressed about the thoughts that come up. I’m depressed about the stupid thoughts that come up for chicks. The psychiatrist doesn’t think I have bipolar disorder and yet I’m taking lamotrigine. For whatever reason the psychiatrist asked me if someone has ever talked to me about it and I was like no. My previous therapist never actually said that I might be bipolar or that I’m experiencing some bipolar disorders idk if it was cuz she didn’t want to get me anxiety about it or didn’t feel the need to label my disorder. Why do therapist’s do that? Why do they try to avoid labels? Is it cuz they don’t want to trigger a reaction? Knowing what disorders I have are very important to me cuz I need to know what to avoid. I need to know what I should try to be doing. I need to know what a good life looks like again cuz I thought I used to know but for whatever reason I don’t know now. Idk if it cuz of OCD, depression, being on medication, being on caffeine, like I just don’t know what makes sense in my life anymore and it just sucks. Like I want to cry about what I want in life. I want to know what makes me happy and what I have to do to keep me happy. I wish I could skip the talking part and do the do part like out shit on a board and let’s attack what my heart wants and what I want in life. Like at this point I’m not capable of finding out what makes me happy. I really just want a therapist to write something on the board and just get me out of my head and start doing. I’m tired of getting the run around and just want to get better. Like is it wrong for me to ask for help in finding out what I want in life. Like I just don’t know anymore. I’m just asking for help. If someone on here can tell me what steps to follow as opposed to what kind of therapy I should be looking for and to just help me. I don’t like feeling this way and just want help. If I need to go over what thoughts and sensations, arousals I have. What compulsions I do. Whether or not I should seek dbt help along with OCD help, and whatever kinds of therapy I need to stay afloat and happy please anything helps. I just really want to get better. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to feel sad and lonely and depressed about who I am.

I think I’m starting to realize that I didn’t handle my grandpa’s death right. He died back in March and it was obviously very traumatic for all of us. We weren’t even with him when he died since he lived in Ecuador and we are in the US. The last time I saw him was in September 2019. I remember when we left us at the airport he was the first first one to start crying that we were leaving. He was such a sweet and tender man. His death also greatly affected my OCD in that it solidified and intensified my existential OCD. Anyways we’re going back to Ecuador next month to spend Christmas with that side of the family and it’s going to be the first time with him not around. He also died in the house we’ll be staying at so I’m already feeling that it’s going to be a very emotional trip to step into that house and be there with him not there. It’s just making me realize I didn’t process his loss right or hid the pain away or something. I didn’t think it would bother me so much now but its hitting some raw and painful emotions tonight, like I want to cry. I saw that my church was offering a grief counseling seminar this Saturday and I was interested in going, maybe it could help. I don’t know if I’m being overalls dramatic or not but it’s hitting me. Just wanted to share and maybe someone has words of advice. Thanks

I have sunk so low in life. I've thoughts about being a pedophile, being gay (not that there is anything wrong with being gay) being schizophrenic, being a psychopath, being a narcist, being a sociopath, obsessions about having cancer or some other disease and I could go on. Last three years have been long, terrible years. I'm so tired of living with this. Last couple of weeks I've been feeling very suicidal. I have no libido, no appetite and no interest in things other than doing compulsions. I've been thinking about ending it for a while now. I got urges to end my life. Has anybody else on this app ever felt suicidal? What did you do to make it feel better? I don't want to die bc I'm very ambitious, and I'm not ready to die yet, but i also don't want to life with these thoughts anymore..

Guys I need some advice :( my boyfriend started smoking weed again and I’m really nervous about what to do about it because I have set very clear boundaries about it. My OCD was induced by marijuana and I have ptsd correlated to that, so I have those boundaries for a reason. Now I’m very anxious because he’s out with his friends and smoking after we had many conversations about it not being around for at least while I’m doing treatment for my OCD and ptsd. What do I do? I don’t want to breakup with him but I do not want to be forced to back down on these boundaries because my mental health is important.

Hi everyone, I'm currently severely struggling at the moment. my main theme for OCD has always been harm and is centred around my little girl. I have become so bad that I now feel like I want the intrusive thoughts that I get and that I'm am absolute psychopath that will hurt someone eventually. I feel like I cant feel any emotion towards anything which only feeds my beliefs that I'm a terrible person who wants to harm people. I also has thoughts like "why don't I want to kill myself", surely if it was OCD I would want to kill myself. I have suffered since being little and I'm now 31 and recently come off lexapro. please please if anyone has any advice for me or has experienced this I would be so grateful.

I’m just wondering if any one else has a story similar to mine so I feel less alone. I’m not too sure when my HOCD started. All I remember is when I was in 4th grade I watched the “girls like girls” music video because it was in my YouTube recommended. All I can recall is wondering if I was gay (I don’t think I knew what bi was at the time) and I got pretty sad. Afterwards I was pretty rational about it and decided if I felt sad then obviously I wasn’t gay, so I just let it go. Then fast forward to 6th grade, my best friend comes out to me as lesbian. I was completely fine with it, and told her I accepted her and would treat her just the same. It wasn’t really a problem at all until she asked me what my sexuality was because she said she was interested in me and I kind of panicked. I kept thinking about it, and again luckily I was pretty rational and basically came to the conclusion that people know they’re gay or bi from the beginning and are fine with it, and I eventually just told her I was straight but “didn’t want to put a label on it” (this was mainly so I didn’t hurt her feelings). Fast forward maybe a couple months later, (I think this was after I panicked about my sexuality I honestly don’t know) I come across this video of this woman twerking on Instagram (extremely embarrassing to talk about lmao) and I remember being aroused. Not sure if this was genuine or false arousal, either way I can’t let this specific memory go. I keep ruminating about it and wondering if I had HOCD then or not. I’m pretty sure it was real arousal though, which is so scary! But anyway the point being I feel so abnormal because it seems like nobody with HOCD has childhood memories like mine and I feel so anxious about it. :(

hey y’all im so sorry for being bothersome i just need some advice. so i understand by reacting to your thoughts in an emotional way, you’re giving them more power. im really trying my best not to react to them emotionally, but right now they’re just being such a nuissance. i just want them to shut up. is it okay to be annoyed at them? whenever i get a thought i always just give it them eyeroll, but does that mean im emotionally reacting to it and giving it more power?

Is anyone else good mentally and emotionally for months/years, with no intrusive thoughts or obsessions, and then have a relapse into an “episode” that what I call them. I’ve had 4 in 8yrs, does that sound similar to anyone else?

I’ve found this last year or so that I just really like being alone. And part of me was always like ‘ah that’s great! We value independence’... but now I’m realising that essentially all I do when I’m alone is go on my phone. I’ll be on it for hours, on social media or YouTube or Netflix or playing games. And I know that that doesn’t massively set me aside from any other teenager. It’s just the fact that I like that MORE than social interaction. I’m just really scared that I’m broken for this. I don’t know how to spend a chunk of time alone without going on a device. But I like spending chunks of time alone. Can I change this? Or is this okay?

I didn’t realize how much avoidance I do as a result of OCD. There are simple things I want to do throughout the day, such as laundry or other tidying up things, and because I’m worried an OCD thought will happen while I’m doing xyz, I don’t do them. Anyone else have this experience and wouldn’t mind sharing?