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the NOCD Community

Hey friends! I was on this app for a year before I finally got the courage to start therapy, something that I am so grateful for now. Isn’t that crazy? Now I want to help you. If you haven’t yet, what is holding you back from starting?

false memory ocd is such a bitch

I really want somewhere to vent so this might take some time to read, sorry. I’ve had an awful morning. It feels like I’ve gone back a step in recovery because I’m feeling the same way I felt a couple months ago when my hocd was at its worst. I had completely convinced myself that I’d be better for Christmas (which I know is wrong to do but I couldn’t help it- I got through some difficult times by telling myself that). I’ve got family coming round tomorrow so we can celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and I’m scared I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel the same as I do today. This times last year I was perfectly fine and it’s depressing knowing that I’ll never be free of this again (I’m only 15 so having to face the rest of my life with ocd, especially hocd, horrifies me). I feel utterly trapped and hopeless as well as being convinced my intrusive thoughts are true because my ocd doesn’t seem as bad as everyone else’s. Yesterday I was doing so much better and now I’m a mess but for some reason it still doesn’t feel like I have ocd and this is all one big denial. I’m not sure what I expect anyone to say but I just felt the need to tell someone since nobody in my life knows what I’m going through right now. I just want to be ok for Christmas because I haven’t seen my family in a while. This is all so overwhelmingly isolating:(

There is this one thing that has been eating my head since morning, back when I didn't know that there is something like HOCD, I had tried CBT after watching videos about anxiety treatment cuz I could put a hand on it and tell that it was anxiety so during that time I used to everyday repeat it's okay if I am bisexual, even if its 2% it's okay. One of my bisexual friend told me that even if you are attracted to same sex like 2% then you are busexual but what I didn't get at that time was that busexual don't freak out if they find someone attractivee or even thought that someone was beautiful,where as I freaked the holy out of myself. So I did this exercise for a month and then when my bisexual guy friend asked me "Did you figure out what your SO is" I replied "I think I am bisexual but I don't want to do anything sexual or romantic with women" and my friendwent like then just go and check on internet weather there is some sort of another sexual orientation but there was no results and that totally meant then I was still obseessing over other what if I like my best friends and I started to avoid her and then when I saw this women on morning walk I got a strong groin and I freaked out and I got really confused and that was when i just googled and found that there is something known as HOCD. I know it was all the fault of the lack of information I had but mind is going like that you accepted that you are Bi this must mean that you are. If I was actually bi then I wouldn't have freaked put by the thought what if I like my best friend and I wouldn have freaked out and cried for hours and I wouldn't have freaked out after looking at the woman on the morning walk. But my mind is like bullying me and constantly saying that you accepted it you accepted it, but bisexuals want to date same sex and want to be physical with them and that is why my bisexual guy friend told me search web for some other sort of sexuality. Because busexuals want to be with both sexes but I didn't want that and not do I want it now and bisexuals don't get triggered after looking at girl and thinking they are pretty. My mind is constantly going like what if I am in denial, what if I just tricked myself into thinking that this is ocd. But if it wasn't OCD I wouldn't have related to it, and I would have not freaked out and searched google for phobia of being bisexual. This is eating my head off.

My TOCD is acting up again... Please note: I'm a gay man, and I'm perfectly fine with it. But for whatever reason my brain takes the trans OCD theme. I was triggered by a video on TikTok where a transgender girl had a "question" for gay men (which is me) if they walked into a club who they would be most attracted to in a "ranked" order. Since she is MTF, she still has male genitalia and was wondering if gay men were attracted to her. The video then showed pictures of Shawn Mendes, Ronaldo, among other men. And then showed the transgender girl. Naturally, I would just buzz this off as another random thing. My OCD has switched themes multiple times, but this theme seems to be coming back after a couple months without it. I thought to myself if I was attracted to this trans girl, and naturally I reasoned with "oh well, who cares, so what if I am attracted to her" until my OCD stepped in. For whatever reason, my brain thinks this means I actually want to be a girl? Maybe it's just reminding me of the thought that caused me to spiral in the first place. It's not nearly as bad as other TOCD thoughts because it's clearly irrational and my brain is kind of being stupid for it, and I can realize that it can't be reasoned with. But I can't really seem to just buzz it off. Does anyone else get thoughts that don't cause end-of-the-world anxiety but are still kind of annoying and might have a deeper root than you thought they would?

I have a question

Success share: I discovered that I have ROCD just over 3 weeks ago and immediately went HAM on self treatment and guided ERP therapy. Today was the first time that I saw my #1 over zoom since that day, when she acknowledged that we had come close to a breaking point in our relationship, and when I first started ERP the thought of her NAME would electrocute me, let alone photos. I started with flooding and did kind of an all over the map hierarchy including minor and catastrophic things, and it was agonizing, but now... Today we had our zoom call, and I felt mostly calm and not triggered during it, and could manage my anxiety leading up to it. I have resisted my compulsions to ruminate on the call afterwards, though it's still a little tough, and I feel... Okay. And capable. And unconcerned about whether things will ultimately be alright, not because I feel reassured, but because I feel comfortable enough with uncertainty to let things be unclear. Do the work. It's so hard, but do the work. I did ERP for 1 to 4 hours per day, every day, for 3 weeks, and my triggers have dropped exponentially. I'm solving problems with somatic ocd as well, and I'm spending time with people I love without all of my mental energy being devoted to obsessing all day. Word to the wise: part of the exposure needs to be internalizing the possibility that you will fail, and that this won't work, and that you'll be stuck like this forever. Handle the fear of fear at the same time that you handle the fear of the thing. Godspeed yall

I’m scared to get on anxiety meds because of the very high possibility of ED

Fighting every ounce of me to not test by watching lesbian porn. I saw some picture of girls hugging in a bikini and I kept thinking if they’re naked would I like that? Could I hug my friends in a bikini! And I got a super strong groinal and ick. I just feel like such crap. I do not want to get with women, but what if I did it and loved it and left my husband bc our sex life isn’t great? I hate this so much.

Does anyone else feel insecure and bad about themselves whenever they see something many other people commonly have that they don't or have never gotten to begin with?

I can honestly remember when I was struggling with ocd and how crippling it was. I was too scared to go to a therapist or seek any kind of help in fears of being diagnosed with what I was afraid of. I’m so thankful for NOCD everyday, I have completely been myself with my therapist and NOCD is a judge free place. If you are thinking about seeking help here I highly recommend it. If you have any questions I’d be happy to answer:) thank you

Does anyone else think 'Maybe I'm talking because deep down I want attention. And I want the attention all on me.' this terrifies me because what if its the truth? I then worry when I speak I'm only speaking to get attention. I don't know if this is ocd or its the truth! And if it's the truth then I am scared I am a selfish, self absorbed person craving attention for others because I don't like myself. And that's when I worry it is true, that I look to others to like me so I will feel better. These thoughts have popped up the last 3 weeks and I'm so worried 😔😔tired and worried and scared

Hello guys, I’m new here. My name is Kevin, I am 23 years old and I’m suffering from false memory OCD. ...So, my OCD reached a peak now. I‘m convinced that I did something bad or evil I can‘t remember. There is just this feeling. No proof, nothing! Mainly it‘s cheating or cursin, which I would never do as true as I‘m standing here, in the present. I love my boyfriend more than anything else in my life and he deserved the best!! I know that there is no certainty that I am the best for him. But not only that, but rather I have this feeling that I destroy him. I can‘t live with it anymore and I definitely need a turnround in my thought pattern to be able to breathe again. I don‘t wanna lose him and I don‘t want to break up with him. Everything which comes in my mind, feels true. I don‘t know what to do anymore. There is this voice in my head which says „if you‘re not into his life anymore, you can‘t hurt him any longer“ but I love him more than anything else 🥺 (don‘t want to seek reassurance, because I know that it won‘t help.)

TW/ I don't know what to do anymore 😔 Struggling with real event/false memory ocd is so hard. Last weekend, I was planning on committing suicide but I couldn't tell my siblings what was wrong cuz I feel like they wouldn't understand. I feel so underserved and unwanted sometimes and it would be better if I leave this earth. I would compare myself to people who done harmful things to other people, but deep down inside I'm none of these people AT ALL. Tbh, I will be surprised if I make out alive by the end of next year. I struggle with self-harm as well and there are times where I really I had to fight the urge to self-harm. This has been so horrible because I failed all my classes this semester and I'm not sure if I'm going to be back to school next semester. I just feel like a failure. I don't even remember being fully happy. At this point I just want to leave and never come back. I know my friends and family would be sad when I committ suicide, but I think they would live a better life when I'm not in it.

Struggling today. I'm a school employee so we're off for 2 weeks. A break is great and all, but it's too much time on my hands. I don't know for sure why 5 months of quarantine was easy for me and this isn't, but here I am. I can't get in to see my therapist until after the break and that's assuming he's willing to just speak over the phone as opposed to Zoom. I'm trying not to ruminate, but it's been difficult finding something else to focus on.

Has anyone dealt with transgender or sexual orientation OCD? Like sometimes I question myself “do I want to be a guy” and I start getting anxiety bc I’ve never questioned my gender before. Then I’m like nah I don’t. But then the rumination starts and I start thinking “what if I’m in denial” then it starts making me sad bc I’ve thought I’ve liked being a girl. I was nervous to share this because I don’t want anyone to take it the wrong way. I’m in no way trying to shame the LGBTQ+ community when I ask this question. And I hope this doesn’t offend anyone and if I have I will take this post down immediately. I support and will always support the LGBTQ+ community.

i’ve been struggling with incest ocd lately and i leave for a trip with my family tomorrow. i’m super nervous but in the end i know it’s a good exposure and will probably help my ocd in the long run but of course it’s still a bit scary. i’m hoping my ocd doesn’t flare up too much, wish me luck!

I am trapped in sin and I dont know if I can win. I saw my mother pass away from covid and I just imagine she in heavens with my God. But for me I dont know. I am like a slave to the sin, dont know if I will ever be sure of my salvation. Life goes fast as a blink of an eye. I dont know how it will end, but I want to be saved. I dont want deceive God or make fun when saying something but keeping doing the same mistakes. Its strange. I want to be a better person. But I dont know how. I feel like I dont have strenght left.

18+ only. Someone please help! My mind is racing right now. My partner is into true crime but I tend to avoid it bc of its triggering nature. Anyways, today she was watching a video about this guy who did bdsm needling and was also a murderer. (The two aren’t intertwined, ik) I’m not a kinky person bc ocd makes that very difficult for me. I did not know what needling was. She said she has watched needling porn and enjoyed it. I looked it up and am very concerned about the state of our relationship bc I would never engage in that practice.

At this point I don't know why I keep going. I don't see a reason to either. My ocd has returned during covid after six years of freedom. It's been six months and I don't have the will to keep going anymore. I have always dreamed of having a wife. Literally, I have had many many dreams of having a woman loving me and I've always wanted that from a young age. The thought always made me happy. My ocd is saying I want to be with a man even though I've never had the desire in my life. I personally find it disgusting but the ocd keeps saying I'm in denial, every time I've loved a woman has been fake. The worst part is the groinal response, it's either real or it's ocd's biggest "Fuck you". I don't get erections but it almost feels like I'm about to and it scares me. I'm always hyperaware of my penis area as well. I've always viewed men as comrades and nothing more. During covid my ocd has attacked many things with different themes. My country, the people I look up to, my faith, family, children. Is that normal? Speaking of faith mine is destroyed, I've prayed hundreds of times for help yet nothing has come my way. A simple answer could be that he doesn't exist at all. Why should I keep going for ocd to return later in life? I don't want to recover to go through it bad a third time. So honestly I'm considering suicide. From what I know ocd is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain so it seems I'm made to suffer. I don't see a way out. My schedule is garbage with covid. This isn't a life worth living if everything I've wanted is gone. Everyone has a mental breaking point. I don't know why I've typed this. Some way to vent? If this is the hill I die on so be it. I've always liked women only. A wife is all I've wanted.