Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I must be bi or gay its like i find men more attractive than women. I just want to love women like i once did and have that desire back 😥

Does anyone think OCD makes it hard to be spiritual. I’ve slowly become a Christian over the years. And it really makes sense to me. It aligns with my personality, and beliefs I’ve had before I was even religious. The doubts I have aren’t rational doubts. They’re telling me I’m delusional, immature, and crazy. They’re thoughts targeted at me, basically that I’m being stupid. And since one of my fears is going crazy, I’m worried I’ve gone crazy and come to a spiritual conclusion because I’m insane. It’s frustrating because it makes kind me of unable to further my relationship with God. I also have existential OCD, and I’m afraid that’s why I believe in God. But my OCD makes me feel like if I don’t have all the answers that it’s not ok, but I know I can never have all the answers.

can ocd cause forgetfulness? my short-term memory is declining and i keep forgetting what i thought of a couple of minute or seconds ago

Rant I’m trying to fight my compulsions the best i can its not always pretty but hey. Instead of taking multiple showers i instead took a new like one ounce bottle of hand santizer (since it was new and I remembered seeing it and was like ok so i dont have to look around the house for this) great. I can just use it to basically combat the showering and just place it on the area thats “unclean” or feels that way. Yes i know its still a compulsion but im not washing myself im basically doing a half assesd compulsion which i feel like is better than doing the full thing and will help me come down from it. Anyways im in the middle of doing that and trying to figure out my laundry situation half dressed and then my dad is at the door so i have to throw a towel on and he comes in and takes it away (im guessing because my mom told him) how often did you use this bottle? My answer:Only once. Which i did only use it once on myself and once to clean the bottle itself. After hes like well how many paper towels have you used from this roll my answer: none. And hes like well you still cant use this and takes it away to give me a half used one. I tell him this and hes like well you can’t you that all in a week right? To which i reply thanks and close the door. Im so agitated. Like when i ask for help directly my dad barely does it or it becomes a whole battle (idk if he thinks what im asking is an compulsion or what i consider erp is weird to him) but then hes so sure what i need and what to do after my mom says something its annoying. I know they’re trying to help but I DONT WANT IT. Lot of the time it just makes it worse and prolongs it. Like I seriously am so annoyed. So annoyed. I cant even put it into words. I dont want this half assed half used bottle. I was going to go on Amazon and buy some more because i ran out and found that and was likenoh ok i can save some money but looks like im gonna have to do it anyway. Annoying.

I’m new here and was excited for my first therapist appointment Monday to begin what I’m really hoping is the recovery process from debilitating Contamination OCD that I guess I’ve dealt with for many years but in recent months has destroyed me mentally and to a certain physically since I’m afraid of eating food (how’s it safe when nearly all of it was handled by other people?) or working out since it isn’t easy to do hygienically but they cancelled on me and I’m hoping a new appointment is scheduled soon. I’m losing hope here. I’m even afraid of showing my precious dog affection since this damn virus could transmit from animals and he’s so close to the ground (which besides anything other people touch terrifies me the most) and I’m losing the fight of wanting to continue living because of how much I’m suffering from this. I’m really hoping that if the vaccine is ever distributed it’s going to decrease my symptoms since that’s what I’m most afraid of but until then every minute of every day is pure mental anguish and I don’t want to suffer anymore. A psychiatrist prescribed Effexor and while that’s helped with depression the side effects are really rough and the debilitating OCD is still there so on my next appointment Friday he’s going to probably switch me to an anti anxiety drug called buspirone and I don’t know if that’s going to help any. I need help. 😢

I am a girl and I am struggeling with sexual orientation ocd. It sounds so crazy just writing that. I have a problem with social anxiety in this too, and it plays a huge part for my ocd. I am curently spending some time with friends form Uni, But i have so much social anxiety around my girl friends all the time. I struggle with speaking in front of new and many people. When I come home from being with them, I start questioning things like; did i get nervous because I liked some of them, or one of them? Like it so painful both physcially and mentally. What should I do? I also never had a boyfriend, and I am 19 years old. I dont Get feelings so easily, and that makes my ocd Worse. Help.

any fellow law students with tips on studying distressing content? onto my second year but feeling pretty unprepared and worried

The intention of Exposure and Response Prevention therapy is NOT to get rid of the thoughts so that you can live the life you want. It is to live the life you want WITH the thoughts. I would love to hear about what you are doing to live your best life, even though your OCD thoughts are present!

💫Something positive to try help distract... What's one thing u have learnt about urself from the pandemic?... One thing OCD has taught u?... What are you looking forward to once lockdown is over?...

im beginning to doubt my own memories and fundamental things about myself :\ every time i make a claim it's like my brain gets a little foggy and i start questioning it. for example i might narrate an event, or state a fact about something or someone, and question whether that really is true or happened. and when i get that thought it's like my brain goes blank and i don't know how to get back on track. i constantly feel like a liar. i also had a phase where i excessively doubted my identity and personality. every time i expressed a strong opinion or emotion, or made a statement about who i am as a person i got an unwanted thought that said "is this really who you are" and my mind would go blank again. id also feel anxious and hopeless. i compensate for this by taking personality tests on the internet to reassure myself that im secure in my identity and have an actual personality, but it can also be triggering sometimes because when im unsure about something i start feeling like i have no identity again ;( this is stupid i know

i sometimes get this rush of feelings that i want to be gay and date women and be happy and then i panic because i don’t want to be gay and i don’t want to date women ( although it feels like i do) but at this point i feel like i’m just hanging on to my heterosexuality to stay closeted.... i don’t even know is that makes sense.... but i know my parents wouldn’t want me to be gay (hopefully that doesn’t offend anyone) and when i think about that it makes me panic because i obviously care what my parents think and then i panic even more because actual gay people worry if their parents would accept them or not but then again i don’t want to be gay but when i say “i don’t wanna be gay” i feel like i’m lying because i know being straight is “the right thing” this is all over the place i’m sorry if you don’t understand me my point is i don’t want to be gay but yet it feels like i do.

I am so frustrated. I hate OCD and the things it's telling me. Tomorrow is finally my first proper appointment with the OCD specialist. Im worried he wont be any good. I have lost too much to this disorder already. Im sick and tired of every day hearing thoughts of how everyone hates me and how Im all alone and cant open up to anyone. And the compulsions is hurting me and my close ones. Its terrible and Im so upset. I cant stop crying. It has to change. I just need some support.

Does anyone have any experience tracking rumination like Ali greymond suggests? I’m a little fuzzy on how to do it.

NSFW 18+ PLEASE DONT LOOK IF YOUR A MINOR I used to masturbate to to lesbian and Futa hentai. (Futa is basically chicks with male genitalia having sex with women) and my HOCD (if it even is HOCD considering I’ve never been diagnosed) has been targeting this now. I only want to be with women my age. I constantly gag and sometimes vomit whenever I try to do exposures of reacting to explicit gay thoughts. I don’t want to be with men and I never will. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual in denial. I have been dealing with this for 10 months. I just m/o’ed to this futa thing too. I thought it wasn’t gay because it’s a woman having sex with a woman. I honestly thought it wasn’t gay. 1. Is this gay porn or not? And 2. Is this even still HOCD anymore?

So I haven't been using this app as much as I used to. And that used to be every single day. I'm not too sure if that's a good thing or not. I'm glad I'm not compulsively using this app every single day when I'm down, but I still really love to help people here. And I will say that I have friends here that I dearly appreciate and have helped me more than ever with their support. I do hope you all are doing alright and better than before. I'm kind of at the point where sometimes I'm over the things that I worry about in the past that did happen or may have happened, but regardless, I feel like I'll never be able to stop worrying about the things that have happened to me or the things that I did out of curiosity at a young impressionable age or stop worrying in general. When it comes to the things I did, I worry about the times I've sexted with minors when I was a minor myself. This is where the OCD all started actually. For a very long time I had trouble getting over this and forgiving myself for it. It may not mean anything to else, but it bothers me and it destroyed me when I first got caught with this horrible mental challenge. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't eat, wouldn't shower, and wouldn't do the things I normally do to enjoy myself. I always felt that there was no point if it meant that I've done these things in the past, even if I was much younger than I am now. And when my hormones were at its peak. Normally teenagers wouldn't be so pent up about sexting because it's indeed normal to sext with people your age. Everybody thinks that. At least, the people I talk to. But why do I worry about it? I honestly don't know. False memories tried to intrude when it came to this sexting with my OCD saying "You sexted with a minor when you weren't one" which isn't the case because I KNOW I stopped doing this when I was 17 because I didn't graduate high school yet. For some reason I still feel bad about it. :/ I also constantly ruminate about all the porn I've watched in the past thinking I may have came across illegal content at one point and didn't know it, which I don't really get anxiety about as much as I used to. Does that make any sense? I still worry about these things but normally it isn't as anxiety inducing as it used to be when I first had these thoughts come after me. Does that mean I'm getting better then? It's really complicated. I don't think I ever went out of my way to look up illegal porn and DEFINITELY MADE NO ATTEMPT TO DOWNLOAD ANY. The accidents I ruminate about most of the time is seeing things I didn't want to see while using the internet. This has happened on Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, and sometimes even porn sites which I gladly no longer visit. Twitter has pretty much little to no moderation so it's easy to see pretty horrible things on that app, even when you don't want to. It's disgusting and I never want anything to do with Twitter ever again. Instagram isn't user friendly either, mostly the host of sexual content for models and monetized people alike. YouTube, even while trying really hard not to have bad things posted onto their site and app, unfortunately still get ridiculously horrible things that people can come across unknowingly. I'll never understand how a playlist involving kids in a sexual context came up when I searched to look up 18 year old girls. I don't get it, and I know it's not something I wanted to see, but why do I spend every single day worrying about these things? Like, there's days where I'm actually worry free, but then other days all I do is worry. It's like my mind NEEDS to be worrying about something just so I feel, idk in a mood? I don't even know what it's for? This is a post that I needed to write for not being here for a long time. I hope everyone else is getting better. Friends, families, and even pets. I hope everyone is able to get through the day with ease and all that. I love this community. 💕

I’ve noticed from being here for a short while that there are endless posts from people suffering with sexual orientation OCD, a lot of the posts seem to be compulsions masked in “does anyone else?” questions, or no questions at all and just statements (which is ENTIRELY understandable considering the uncertainty and fear that the sexual orientation OCD theme causes) but, I’m here to outline a few things that I’m sure a few of you need to hear (from a recoverers perspective) 1. I know that compulsions (such as those associated with reassurance seeking) feel so benign and ineffectual, but they are feeding your OCD... A LOT. I’d go as far as to say that ‘reassurance seeking’ was the one and only thing that was holding me back from treatment. I spent so much time searching/asking whether things were ‘normal’ and the instant gratification I got from those pushed me further and further away from ERP! So, look into the nature of compulsions, locate what yours are and try and stop them as soon as possible, I promise you, you will not regret it in the long term. 2. ERP is gonna feel worse before it feels better. It forces you into the corners of your OCD that you’ve spent so much time avoiding - it will feel like keeping your hand on the stove when your reflex has always been to remove it - sounds counter intuitive, I know (but it’s not, you’ll see) 3. Milling through memories trying to find moments that either prove or disprove your obsession is a compulsion, and is therefore holding you back. When you feel that urge to search your memories, DON’T - sit in the anxiety, feel the pain and wait until you’re more comfortable to move on with the moment (this is gonna feel impossible, and should only be a short term fix prior to ERP, anything is better than a compulsion after all) 4. As someone who has suffered with severe health OCD since the age of 11, I know directly how much OCD can distort reality. I could not count on two hands the amount of times I have convinced myself that I’m seriously ill to the extent that the sensations of the symptoms manifest in my body - lymphoma was one - I started to feel exhausted, weak, pain everywhere, pain in my lymph nodes etc, etc. This goes hand and hand with sexual orientation OCD. I understand that this could be reassurance, but the feelings of ‘attraction’ and ‘groinals’ (we all know them) are not real indicators when in the framework of OCD, so if you’re losing hope, understanding this should encourage you into ERP. 5. And lastly, the way that you are living right now is not okay. ‘Just getting by’ doesn’t equate to being ‘okay’ - quality of life is HUGELY effected by untreated OCD. Don’t mistake short bursts of happiness as indications that you don’t need therapy (this was another thing that kept me out), you do. You need the skills that you learn from your ERP therapist and ERP to aid you if you ever experience a ‘relapse’ or a big spike in your OCD. Trust me, it’s rough at first, but everything gets better. It does. You’re gonna be okay, you’re gonna be truly happy and at peace with yourself again.

(Not sure if this needs a TW but I’ll give it one just in case). I’m a little bit worried because I remember before I had HOCD (although it definitely feels like I don’t) I didn’t want a clear phone case because apparently only bi people had them (stupid ik) but that was before OCD and I still didn’t want to be thought of as bi. Surely this is denial because I wasn’t obsessing then but I’d get upset if I had any similar interests that were considered lesbian or bi. How is it possible for me to have OCD when I was like this before it? And why have I only just remembered? It literally has to be denial and the worst part is I’m not even panicking I just feel sad.

I’m having an incredibly difficult time concentrating on my school work. I’m in a very competitive program and I can’t afford to not be able to concentrate. Does anyone have any tips for how to get through this?? I feel like my brain isn’t working.

Does anybody else find tiktok extremely distressing? Like when people talk about comp het and like saying that everyone is a little bi or they feel bad for straight people etc. I just don’t want to be with a woman but am I really in denial and I actually do?

Hey guys! Trigger warning because I don’t want anyone to read this and adopt a new intrusive thought! So I’ve been struggling recently with something that seems pretty unique, and I could really use any help I can get with this thought. Basically, a little while back, I all of a sudden had this thought that nothing matters, because at the end of the day, we are all going to die anyways. Since then, any time I start getting really excited or if I start feeling depressed about something, that intrusive thought pops into my head. It tells me that there’s no point in feeling anything deeply because it’s not a big deal and life is short. I know some people might say this is a good way to look at things that stress you out, but it’s really really starting to affect me in the realm of things that make me happy too. I’ll get excited to move in with my bf, and then this thought pops in intrusively and I immediately feel nothing now. I’m struggling to start my schoolwork that I was looking forward to doing well on because this way of thinking tells me it doesn’t even matter to finish my degree and be passionate about it, because I’m just going to die someday and this doesn’t matter. The things that made me excited before, now don’t simply because of this very thought. Not to be dramatic, but this one thought has changed my entire mindset and is literally changing my life. I really really really need help with this. It’s causing me not to feel like I used to, and I’m scared for how the rest of my life will feel now that I’ve adopted this intrusive thought.😢