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the NOCD Community

SSRI success story: so far... It’s been 5 months since my POCD flare up. And it’s been by far the worst experience of my life. I was terrified to even leave my house and go to work (I work in child care) in December I decided enough was enough and went to see a specialist for a diagnosis. She diagnosed me instantly with OCD and recommended I gave medicine a shot. I started on Lexapro 4 weeks ago yesterday and the change has been incredible. That with a mix of ERP and Acceptance of the thoughts (Acceptance has been the biggest help, and very easy to do when the Lexapro makes me not care about the thoughts) Now, I won’t say I don’t get thoughts. I still absolutely do, but I get less of them. And when I get an extremely hard convincing one, I accept it in, and sit in any guilt I have until it naturally dissipates. I’m not recovered, not by a long shot. But I have a small piece of me back, and it feels good. I’m hoping with hard work, and not letting OCD thoughts get under my skin. Recovery will be possible. If you’re scared to try an SSRI. I completely understand. I was lucky enough to have the first one work for me. The side effects were HORRIBLE, almost worse than the OCD for well over a week. But the benefits I have now outweigh the negatives of that week. I’m not promising a fix with an SSRI. But I think it’s worth a shot. Hell, this could all come back to bite me in the ass, who knows? I believe in you guys, and I’m starting to believe in myself again. We can do this. We’re one big family here, and we need each other. (But no reassurance ??)

Tw Do you guys think with POCD/HOCD it‘s nearly impossible to not develop ROCD? I met my boyfriend during recovery, but I didn’t have any butterflies or faster heartbeat and I wasn’t that attracted to him but I was fascinated by his character, attitude and charisma. I started to google and asked friends if I’m allowed to start a relationship with him if I don’t have overwhelming feelings. I noticed I still thought about other guys.But I knew that I wanted to be with him I was feeling good and happy, he is perfect. I thought maybe I’ll develop harder feelings during the next couple of weeks. But I didn’t. I developed more feelings than I had in the beginning and even sometimes butterflies, but I always thought it wasn’t enough. After 2 months my POCD started coming back because I was asking myself constantly if I’m not enough attracted to my boyfriend. We got intimate a couple of weeks before it came up again and it was new and everything to me and it was hard to manage, questioning my feelings constantly. My therapist also said that we have to work on my feelings because she thinks I’m not letting me feel enough. She’s right, since POCD is here again, I am afraid to have feelings towards anyone because I think all my feelings are linked to children. I feel like I just can’t let go and be happy. I don’t know what to do. POCD is one thing, but I thought about breaking up with my boyfriend a lot of times because I feel very guilty concerning the fact about my lack of physical feelings. I know that I love him, I want to be with him, I want him to be the last person I see in the evening and the first person I see when I wake up, I feel safe, he feels like home, he is the most caring, loving and sweet person I’ve ever met. The thought of braking up with him makes me cry so hard and breaks my heart. But I just can’t stop thinking about whether it’s enough or not, whether it’s enough or not, whether it’s right or not. I think my OCD plays a huge part concerning the feelings but at the same time I question “what if not? What if OCD isn’t the one who stops you from feeling things and you just don’t love him?” It makes my POCD even worse. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do/feel/think. Whether it’s my OCD ruining it or not. If I’m ruining it myself and in denial and just not wanting to let go of my boyfriend. I feel very guilty especially towards him. But I want to be with him but all the things from the beginning and everything tells me that I shouldn’t. I don’t know anymore.

Does anyone have advice for how to begin the conversation about telling your partner about your OCD? I don’t want to have a huge sit down conversation about it but almost how to work it into normal conversation

I know I’ve always had OCD, but it’s been manageable my entire life until about a year ago. I had never ever ever experienced anxiety or suicidal thoughts until this year and I feel like I’m in a constant state of obsessive fear nowadays and it’s horrendous. I have always been the happiest, most positive person I know so this is the polar opposite of what life used to feel like :-( I feel like I’m in a totally different realm than everyone else and I’m just barely getting by. Of course it has gotten somewhat better since I have learned different ways of how to cope, but I feel extremely disheartened by the idea of this being how my life is going to be from now on. Medication makes everything way worse but I’m trying counseling again. I just really want this to go away and feel like my old self again. I feel like I took my mental peace for granted before and would trade the world to be back where I was before :-(

Hey I believe I'm suffering from hocd and it sucks. But the worst part is when I want to get intimate with my girlfriend it starts off nice but then I'll start getting intrusive thoughts. And the worst is when I get them when I'm finishing. Does anyone have advice to work through this?

This doesn’t have anything to do with OCD honestly. Just complaining. I’ve been waking up sick to my stomach every day so nauseous because there is never food in my house so I never eat. It honestly makes every part of my life miserable I can never think straight. My parents shop maybe once a month and I barely make enough money to pay for medical supplies I need. So I’m just constantly feeling like shit. How am I ever going to feel better living in this way? I feel like my life is a joke

does anybody else have constant intrusive thoughts about being like attacked or hurt or killed? like in the shower or even in my own bed at home i feel like i am in danger like someone or something is watching me constantly i constantly have to open my eyes or look around me to make sure i’m alone and it’s so annoying bc not giving into the compulsion gives me so much anxiety that i always think maybe this is the one time??? every time i leave the house, when i go to the store or at driving i can constantly just basically picture every person, especially men, just like attacking me idk... it’s terrifying cause i feel in a constant state of fight or flight and i can never stop worrying or feel safe :/ it’s exhausting

Anyone with HOCD ever feel this strong feeling that they may be 'in denial' and that eventually you will have to come out to the world and live that Gay lifestyle. I am honestly just tired of this, it feels like I am being severely pushed into something I deep down know I don't want, I don't know how long I can last. I am accepting the thoughts, urges and feelings however it's too exhausting, too distressing and too painful, it feels like I am repressing myself, repressing my 'true identity' and I need to just go with whatever my thoughts and urges are telling me to.

please read!!! a few months ago I smoked wax and got AN AWFUL reaction. I had a complete panic attack, depersonalization, and derealization. it was THE SCARIEST THING EVER. I haven’t really felt the same ever since... I’m SO SCARED THAT IT MESSED ME UP FOREVER. I get panic attacks, depersonalization and derealization, feel depressed, have terrible existential thoughts, always have anxiety, and feel depressed. I can’t even sleep at night. I’m so scared I’m forever messed up. Could wax do that to you???? Please help! Has anyone else experienced this????

Do any of you think they are traumatised besides OCD, or their OCD is part of a trauma, or have been diagnosed with PTSD?

Does anyone else have EXTREME anxiety about dying? I’m so fucking terrified. I think about it all the time.

Im just really sad, depressed and no one gives a shit about me. Not even the people who I thought I had my own family. Im all alone.

What are the best techniques you have learned that help(ed) you go through relationship ocd?

POCD TW I was scrolling through Instagram and saw a picture of a little girl and suddenly I had the urge to kiss or touch her or something it scared me a lot and I started scrolling faster to get away from it BUT I felt a groinal response and it felt SO real like butterflies and twitching and itching and everything maybe even vaginal lubrication and I had the urge to masterbate and scrolled back to make sure I don’t desire this and I felt calmer when I didn’t feel anything looking at her again but I still feel anxious and kinda aroused during the day thinking back to the situation I don’t know what to do it feels so real the urges and everything ?

I was finally feeling better, but now I feel myself getting worse.

Just thought I’d share my story so far with you all and maybe see if anyone’s had similar stuff :) I had been completely straight my whole life. I’m 18 now but had had multiple girlfriends who I was very much into. I was never into guys. I was very stressed for my exams and ended up going to see Bohemian Rhapsody with some friends to chill. After seeing heaps of gay-Esque things in the film the thought popped into my head “what if I’m gay or bi” and then that’s when it started. (This was 3 months ago) I then found myself unable to hang out with my guy friends because every time I saw them I would get anxious I was attracted to them. I moved past this but I’m still constantly having an internal reasoning battle with myself about wether or not I’m into men. I then noticed a huge lack in sex drive towards women as well which scared me because being into women was a huge part of me. I have never been aroused by or enjoyed thinking about men sexually or romantically though this is what the intrusive thoughts were. This leads me to my main point which is porn. I was a heavy porn user before the ocd and I was starting to find Normal straight porn not as good. I had been watching more kinky shit eg step sibling stuff etc. I have watched gay porn multiple times since the HOCD. **potential trigger/ graphic warning ahead** and had finished both times. It happened very quickly and I just felt terrible after. I tell myself that I finished because of just the pure taboo nature of it and it was what the ocd wanted me to do since whenever I’d tried to arouse myself to men in a non pornographic way nothing had ever worked. Also when I was watching I wasn’t particularly focused on like the men themselves like I would with women when I watched straight porn. It was all very traumatising and I have to keep stopping myself from checking again to see if my reaction changes :( I’ve been meditating a lot and I’m about to start ERP on here and with my psychologist (who diagnosed me with ocd) But yeah just was wondering if anyone had anything similar with the porn thing just so I can figure out if it’s denial or whatever :) I don’t think it’s a coincidence with timing either since this all happened during exams.

Anybody else have a major problem with confessions in ROCD? How can I deal with the urge to confess every little thought to my boyfriend? It’s hurtful to him because I’m constantly telling him every minor interaction I’ve had that I can remember with another guy, telling him my doubts about our relationship, and lately I’ve even been telling him hurtful things I don’t even agree with as far as comparing him to people I’ve been with before and people I’m attracted to. It’s really wrong of me to say these things to him for the sole purpose of relieving my anxiety. Any advice?

Hello, Everyone. My situation got worse when I got to know about The Secret book by Rhonda Bryne. The book mentions that positive thinking attracts positive things in life and negative attracts negative. Every OCD mind is filled with negative thoughts. It means that the negative thoughts will become true because we are keep thinking about them.

Anyone know of a good erp for sensorimotor ocd?

I was doing ERP on my own last night and I ended up having a full blown anxiety attack for about an hour because of it; sweating, heart racing couldn’t concentrate on what my friends were saying. Anyone else ever go through this?