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Does anyone else struggle with seeking help when your OCD is bad? For instance, I mainly struggle with Existential OCD, and do a LOT of ruminating, on a good day 3-4 hours, on a bad day or during a spike, nearly every single second I’m awake, and sometimes in my dreams as well. But because I’m ruminating and trying to disprove my scary intrusive thoughts, I feel scared of seeking help, because I know they’ll make me stop- and then what am I left with? Uncertainty. I know everyone probably says this, but my thoughts feel so torturous sometimes that I don’t know if it’s be worth recovery if I have to be uncertain about these horrible thoughts. I know rationally that’s a bad perspective and my anxiety would likely be reduced, but I’ll never know if my terrifying thoughts are true or not, and I don’t know if I can deal with that forever. I actually doubt that I can. Maybe this is my OCD struggling to stay alive, and a part of me just really wants to be able to shrug off intrusive or disturbing thoughts like a person without OCD, be able to think about conspiracy theories and laugh them off like I was able to before, without panicking and spiraling into a dark, scary place in my mind at their very mention. How do you guys deal with this? Please help, because I’m both afraid of seeking help and afraid I’ll never seek help at the same time.

One year ago, I came across the concepts of ‘enlightenment’ or ‘awakening’ in Buddhism and since then my life has become horrible as I developed a very huge obsession with reading about what it means to be enlightened and feeling bad and scared about the fact that I am not enlightened and that I am not a good person if I don’t start deep meditation and be on the path to some kind of spiritual awakening that people talk about on the internet. I don’t know if anyone else has gone or is going through this.

Ok so i understand living in uncertainty. But I did ERP as intensively as i could and i had no reaction to my past fears. I was thinking maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Therapist said thats another uncertainty i have to face because Im ruminating. Like i know who i am, beliefs. If i face uncertainty will i then be able to be myself even tho i might be uncertain. Because there can be doubt this and that, but even right now when im trying to be myself sometimes when i argue with my wife for example i feel like i cant have a stance. Or if i have a debate with someone else

My BIGGEST insecurity with my hocd is the fact I’ve always been aroused by lesbians kissing and doing other sexual stuff (in porn, erotica, movies, and fantasy). Now hocd uses it as proof and truly makes me think I want to have sex with a woman and it feels so dang real. I have done erp with this, I wrote out a story about this happening. I got so aroused and just started to feel terrified and hated how it made me feel. Then I instantly feel sad like I will eventually come to terms and leave my boyfriend. Exposures are so hard, not doing the compulsions when it feels too real to be ocd is harder. One positive thing I did notice is that me saying “but I don’t want to be with woman or have sex with a girl” is a compulsion because I often say it to neutralize or reassure myself. So my next step is to stop that during thoughts like this and exposure. (Sorry for the long post)

Hi all... I hope you’re all doing well. I’ve honestly been doing really well lately. Just yesterday I was thinking about how well I was doing but it looks like I spoke too soon haha. In January, my business really picked up and most days, I am so busy that I truly don’t have time to obsess or ruminate or my relationship. It’s been SO nice. I have nearly 0 anxiety. I still get anxious when we’re together sometimes but overall am doing okay. Anyway, I’m struggling with something today because I got myself all worked up about it. I know it’s going to sound stupid for a 31 year old woman to care about this stuff but bear with me... So I guess I’ll just preface this by saying that we have a pretty “open” relationship now. We didn’t always and one of my biggest triggers is being betrayed or abandoned by him. Back to today...so this all started because I intrusively remembered a fight him and I had over a year ago because of Instagram. Long story short, we’ve been together 3.5 years and he’s never posted about me on social media. To be fair, he doesn’t post at all on there anymore and prior to that, would rarely upload. When he did, it was photos of his cars or landscapes. He uploaded MAYBE 2 or 3 photos of his son every year. Anyway, it used to really bother me especially when we first started dating. I thought all the worst things: he was hiding me; he didn’t think I was attractive enough; he wanted to appear single, etc. (Sidenote, I know he flirts with people in his Instagram DM’s. We both do it and it’s never really bothered either of us. We’re just flirty people and it’s never gone further than internet chatting for either of us) But yeah, anyway, we had a few conversations about it in the past, and he always said the same thing: it makes him uncomfortable to post about relationships on social media. And when he got divorced, deleting all of that made it that much harder. Eventually I just gave up and forgot about it. I know logically none of that stuff matters anyway and I just kind of accepted that we weren’t going to be one of those couples and that was okay. But today I got anxious about it again and made the mistake of googling. Of course, it’s all the worst stuff you read: he’s hiding you, he’s embarrassed by you, he’s not serious about you, etc etc. Now I’m in an absolute tornado of anxiety. I know he likes to be flirty and that didn’t really bother me until I start thinking that he’s actively HIDING me. I just feel so awful. Sorry I know most of this isn’t ROCD related- I’m just overwhelmed with anxiety over this and needed to write it out. I don’t want to be bothered by this stuff but everything on Google says I should be and it’s a “huge red flag”. I’m just a mess about it. I’ve met his whole family (except for his mom but they don’t speak), the few friends he has, I’m gym buddies with him ex-wife and I love his son more than anything. I don’t really care if his 400 Instagram followers know who I am as long as he’s not actively hiding me or ashamed of me. Ughhhhhhhh We’re supposed to see each other tomorrow and have a fun day and I can already see my anxiety about this ruining our day or leading to another conversation, even though we’ve already talked about it a few times in the past Okay, sorry that was long and thanks for listening and letting me ramble.

I'm going to be honest, I'm really hopeless at this point. I'm 16 and I just feel so defeated. I'm dealing with my worst theme ever and it's lived 7 months. I've had trouble with school (Especially when my current theme started), I've had a hard time doing the things I love, and I feel terrible. I'm worried I'm going to drop out of high school. As I write this my grades are, 68, 71, 28, 29, 32, 70. I'm not sure if I can get accomodations by the school. If anyone can help me out and tell me I live in massachusetts. I didn't see anything really last time I checked. I can't live like this anymore.

I’ve been dealing with intrusive violent images/urges/thoughts for months now. Lately it’s gotten worse. Sometimes when I see a person i automatically imagine hurting them, sometimes to see if I enjoy the thought or not, or sometimes it just appears in my head and I try to cut it off immediately. It’s like i just can not interact with people because I can’t tell if I’m a risk or not. If I’m capable of hurting them or not. I hate it because I’m all day trying to get an answer to whether I want to harm people or not. I’m constantly asking myself: have you ever desired the thought? Do you want to do it or not? And all of the above makes me feel anormal and like a psycho. And of course, another doubt comes into my head: do you really don’t want to be a bad person? And it’s a never ending disturbing and frustrating cycle... I can’t stop it, it’s driving me crazy and it makes me desperate. Is all this even normal?

My talk therapist and my psychiatrist both think I don't have ocd. Idk how to feel about that after believing i had it for 2 yrs now.

Why do therapist always ask if you had the thoughts prior to the OCD or not? Which answer are they looking for or what does it mean if you did or didn’t?

I know I am overthinking way too much focusing too much on my partners flaws.... 😞 my partner likes to stay inside most of the time and doesn’t like the idea of being around a lot of people. (Honestly who can blame him) but I get sad when I see my roommate and her husband go out to places.. I am doing WAY too much comparing. Honestly it didn’t bug me as much bc I like being indoors too or at least I think I do... I don’t like being around people being home is comfortable for me. My brain is coming up with more and more reason why I am not in love with my partner... 😞 I am starting to believe it.. I made love to my partner not too long ago and I felt off having all theses weird feelings.... then a couple days ago my body was under so much stress I puked 10 times. Also due to not eating healthy and taking melatonin all the time... then yesterday I had to go to the doctors bc of severe chest pains... throughout the whole time I’ve been dealing with this my partner has been with me every step of the way... he bought me medicine and even went with me to the doctors.... I cried telling him I don’t deserve him at all. He asked why and I said bc of how I’ve been feeling lately... I even talked to a specialist about an ROCD course and I asked her if it’s possible to be going through this without all the thoughts and anxiety. She said yes it is possible.. so that gave me hope. But her course is too expensive... 😞 so I can’t do it... when she first appeared I started crying explaining everything I could that I’ve been going through how deeply depressed I’ve been and how real this feels... 😞 I just don’t believe this is ROCD anymore....

Recently I was telling my cbt therapist (not on NOCD and she’s not an ocd specialist, just deals with it sometimes) about my HOCD thoughts, and she told me I wouldn’t know if it was OCD or not until I got out there and experimented. Obviously this triggered me like mad, and I can’t stop thinking about it! Especially since I often worry I don’t really have ocd and all my thoughts are real. I’m not sure what to do I can’t stop thinking about it.

I'm not diagnosed with anything but I like to daydream a lot and usually my daydreams are with celebrities or fictional characters and sometimes I have sexual fantasies with them but I really want to stop so does anyone here have any advice on how I can stop doing this? I know this is weird and not OCD related but I don't like it anymore and it's become part ofy normal thought process so I would like to stop it

When I was 6-8 I kissed my niece, and around 10 I (almost) had intercourse with my nephew (THANK GOD I didnt, otherwise I wouldve killes myself by now.) I cant help but feel guilty for the things ive done, What makes it worst is my niece remembers, I know for a fact she remembers because when we kissed I was like "Do you want to play gta" and about 2 years ago she was like "Do you remember when we played gta?" I was like "Huh we never played gta together its 1 player (offine). And she was like "Not that" My guilt has started ever since that. When I was 11, I played a game called "Fix" with her and gave her a message, to touch her "BUTT" (sorry silly word). I cant think of any other route than suicide. Not to mention, When I was 10-11 I had sex with my cat and dog, (once again THANK GOD I didnt put my genital in then or anything because one again, i wouldve commited suicide by now) I did play with my male dogs genitals though. Im also feeling guilty about this, I wish I could go back and time and not do it, I would never do it now. And once again, I cant think of any other route than suicide. Lastly, When I was 13, I catfished a girl, I used to be a pretty big person and was scared. ( I uses to date online.) I broke up with her though, not because I catfished her, though thats part of it. Sensitive -- When she was younger, she was sadly, molested by her (Close person), thats not the reason though, the reason is because she always talked about suicide, she cut herself, etc. It was killing me, I was already dealing with alot of stress. I wanted to tell her that I was lying to her before we broke up, but not just that I didnt have the heart, though thats most of it, because I couldnt handle the stress anymore. That was the second person ive been in a relationship with that cuts. My long ago ex, I broke up with because she was practically cheating on me, talked to her ex more than me, STILL LIKE HER EX, etc, and her ex told me she cheated on me, but she said he lied, anyways, thats not the point. When me and this girl broke up (I broke up with her) she sent pictures of cuts on her wrist, with a caption saying, "you did this". I dont think I can do life anymore, I was 11 when my long ago ex did that, (Yes I know I was young, online dated alot though.) I want to kill myself

Ok, I am a parent. For those of you that have contamination OCD. My daughter has it really bad. Like really, really bad. What do you wish your parents knew/said/ did when you were having a extra rough time. Her ocd affects the whole house. She floods the bathrooms leaves towels and stuff everywhere, freaks out about food, and what everyone else touches too, I mean screams at us to wash our hands or not to touch things. It’s exhausting for her and I feel for her, but it’s also extremely hard for us living with her, and we don’t always handle it well. I would love any advice on what you wish your family knew/ did / reacted. Thanks 🌸

TW: EXPLICIT CONTENT TOWARDS END I can’t stop crying because it feels like I’m truly a lesbian. I read the stupid comp het doc which was obviously something I shouldn’t have done but I gave in. Relationships when I was younger were never a big thing for me because well I was still too young. So when I had crushes it was always more about the fuzzy feeling and just wanting to be close to my guy crushes or thinking about their touch. When I had my first silly 8th grade boyfriend I remember always being scared to hold his hand and kiss him and hug him because I felt self-conscious of myself and everyone watching but I still did enjoy it. Looking back I feel like I might’ve just liked my him because he liked me but I thought that was normal for middle school things, except the first thing happened my freshman year of high school as well with my toxic ex. It wasn’t love and I hate remembering about him because it really was just something dumb and obsessive but when I did like him I did enjoy being held but now I wonder if it was just the attention I liked. I’m now in a relationship with my boyfriend of over a year and I’m terrified that I’m not actually in love with him and only his attention but that just doesn’t feel right because we have such a strong bond. He was a natural flirt so that definitely caught my attention but it was more than that, he just seemed like such an amazing person to me and that has not changed since we started dating. I used to have major rocd over whether or not I actually loved him but I got past that theme but now it might be back. I love him so much, he’s been there through everything and I know I could be happy without him so it’s not like I’m dependent on him, but I choose to be happy with him because he brings me that warm feeling inside my heart. When I’m with him I feel safe and I want to have a genuine future with him. It also doesn’t help that my family is homophobic, my grandma condemns it and I tried explaining to her but she just told me that even if I was I didn’t have to “act on it” which made me break into tears. Not because I am lesbian, but because it would hurt so much to know she wouldn’t support me if I was. Another thing that worries me is that maybe I don’t like intimacy enough with him, but the truth is he’s the first person I’ve been so intimate with and well we’re both still virgins so we haven’t been able to fully explore. Truth be told I didn’t always like giving oral but I thought it was because porn set me into that mind-frame that intimacy was all about the woman being used. The first time we did things was very exciting and fun for me!But I was also very nervous and scared and well my anxiety doesn’t help but there have been times where I do enjoy giving oral, what I don’t like is when it’s all we can do and I also have a terrible habit of comparing myself to other girls and wanting to be perfect at it. I never thought it meant I was a lesbian. I love my partner and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else or be intimate with anyone else. I still don’t like the idea of being with a girl like that, I have never even fantasized about it before and well it just doesn’t feel like me but now my brain is telling me that it is me, that it’s always been me and all the things I used to perceive as normal actually mean I’m lesbian and I hate it. Someone please give me advice to fight this and how to recover from such a major compulsion , I haven’t ruminated like this in so so long and it feels like I failed myself or like I’m giving in to something I just don’t want.

Rumination is fucking horrible. A month ago I had a gummy that had THC in it. I’m HIGHLY sensitive to thc. But it had cbd in it so I thought I would be ok. Well I was also on medication that you can’t take cbd with. It’s a whole thing about liver enzymes whatever. You couldn’t even drink grapefruit juice on it. Anyway, I took one. Had the worst body high. Had a panic attack. Thought I was going into psychosis. It was Horrible. It really fucked me up and just added to my ocd fear. That was almost a month ago. I think about the feeling of it all the time. It makes me feel scared as I relive the whole memory. But I keep ruminating on it. Even when I try not to think about it. My ocd will do shit like remember this? Remember how shitty it made you feel? What if you’re high like that right now? (Of course it’s not true it’s just distressing to even think about it) what if you just lose your mind? What if you go crazy? It doesn’t help either that I’m having panic attacks too. I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to go back on an SSRI. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do this on my own. I didn’t learn enough skills last time to control my ocd. I can’t let it take over my life but I’m also terrified of medication right now. Maybe I should start buspar or zoloft...idk but I’m not living and I’m tired of feeling horrible. It’s making me sad and scared. My ocd keeps coming up with different things to keep me trapped in the panic. I hate feeling like this :(

So I'd like to talk about something: Right now I'm on a livestream on Ali Greymond's YouTube channel. As usual her videos are very informative and helpful. However, there's one thing that she talks about in most videos that are like a selling point to me: Tracking OCD and ruminating. For me as an OCD sufferer, I go through real event, sexual, POCD, harm, and perfectionism OCD. I constantly ruminate about false memories, events about my OCD, mistakes in my childhood, and mistakes in my teen years. All the time. All my friends are here to give me reassurance just for me to stop talking to them about this constant seeking. They tell me I shouldn't worry. They tell me my fears aren't true. They tell me I'm not my OCD. Someone on here even told me that since all my friends have told me that I shouldn't worry about the things I told them even if they can be bad things, then I just need to focus on my own recovery work so I can see that for myself. When it comes to Ali Greymond and her conversations about tracking, it's basically journaling your emotions, how much you've ruminated, treating this like a game, and jotting down how long and often you have a trigger, thought, or compulsion. I might as well give it a try. Anyone else reading this can try this as well. It wouldn't hurt. Definitely search for her if you haven't. Take a moment to join her livestream that's going on right now.

does anybody else here with real event ocd feel like their event is so much worse than everyone else’s 😔

My husband says he wants a divorce because I ask too many questions. But I think he's manipulating me to make me feel that I'm unlovable. I'm a good wife and I treat him very well. I just have these episodes where I feel unsure about us or I worry that he he feelings for someone else. He has no patience for me during these times and says horrible things. Is this all my fault? I'm feeling like such a failure that maybe no one will love me. I know I've been very good to him though and I feel so confused.

I’m not sure anymore.it’s feels too real ,I think this has progressed into the real deal after obsessively thinking about being a p.from the time I wake up till the time I go to bed.prior to a month ago I was fine ,I didn’t think these thoughts up until I watched an documentary and from then on I was in this spiral now I can’t seem to shake this Theme and I’m having dreams,every time I have an thought I fight it and start to tear up because i do not want to be that person , but what if I am .the urges and the attractions and feelings are feeling real .I’m in tears as i am writing this ,I love kids I’ve always wanted to be an mother now I don’t want to .if I am a pedo deep down then I do not want to live or continue with life anymore .the anxiety isn’t there like it was a month ago but it’s still something I think about everyday.I could try to Take my mind off it but a thought pops of a kid .I get nervous then slightly Aroused then I’m sad.I cannot reach out to my mom because she is super religious and I’m scared of seeking professional help .I could be scrolling on social media and image of young girl and my heart starts to race and i feel anxiety mixed with arousal and I go back to see if I’m Aroused and I’m I attracted by the picture .plus I feel my normal attraction dwindling.I’ve gotten so depressed,I don’t want to leave my house sometimes and I’m Just don’t know .I have never had an problem with kids now it’s like I can’t look at them anymore .in the past I may have masturbated to the thought of taboo things and I have masturbated to different things and im starting to feel guilty but I HAVE NEVER DID IT CP.I do not want to watch cp and don’t want to.I’m just all out of options I feel I wouldn’t be able to live with my self so I feel offing myself would be the best .I can’t talk to my family or seek help because I’m afraid of the shame and guilt.I just looked at the picture of the preteen again on social media and I felt my heart race and and all these thoughts and feelings mixed with arousal and and attraction before I have never thought of this girl before or even gave it a second Thought prior to this.every time I’ve seen her picture I keep Scrolling I think it’s time For me to maybe accept That I am ,I don’t want To live anymore I don’t know how I got here.I’m tired of crying and thinking about this I just going to give up people saying it’s pocd or ocd but I don’t believe it i feels real .I was around my godson not Too long ago and I felt an strong Urge and thought saying Touch him but I fought it off and it caused me so much anxiety and fear .I don’t even want to be around kids anymore,it’s like the thoughts come and go then it comes back and I feel hopeless .it feels like I want to act on my urges and I don’t I’m just not doing well at all .I’ve thought these types before in the past but was able to shake them off now I feel it’s deep down now it feels like I’m attracted to teenagers I’m just all Over the place