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TW POCD I tell myself I don’t like/want the intrusive thought I literally have been arguing with it for the past couple of days and it just gets worse and worse. What if I actually do? I keep telling it no, never. I’m scared to death what does it mean. What can I do to make this better? I would do anything to make it go away. I want to give up I really do. I don’t even want to go around anyone because what if it’s real. Before I would feel so much anxiety and guilt and now it just feels real. It can’t be it just can’t. I want to cry and cry and not go around anyone. I’m ashamed and scared and I feel like I’m never going to get better. Seriously what can I do? I don’t have a therapist anymore because I lost mine through NOCD (long story) and now I’m trying to get another one so I can’t talk to anyone about it yet. I’ve talked to my mom about it because I was deeply confused and concerned and she told me that if it was actually real, I wouldn’t care so much. I truly care. I care a lot. It’s not in my morals whatsoever to harm anyone or want to or like to, whatever. So why in the world is my mind trying to convince me of something that isn’t true and can’t be true. I swear on my life I don’t want it. So why does it feel like it. Why God why me? What did I ever do to deserve this?! Please please please go away forever that’s all I ask 💔

Is it best to tell someone close that you are really struggling when having a hard OCD episode or to keep it to yourself? I don't want to seek reassurance but I feel so alone.

Any tips on how to remember/be motivated enough to take medication in the morning? I’ve been taking my meds nightly for about 2 years now and I like that because I have a terrible time whenever I have to take something in the morning. But now my doctor wants me to do morning and night meds and I’m stressing out. I know I’m going to forget and rush out the door for work. But she said I’m running out of med options so I have to try this 😬

So I've always had an issue about my partners watching porn. I've always felt super uncomfortable with it and just now realized that maybe it has to do with rocd... but then I fight myself on it because I feel like maybe it's just something that I strongly believe in. My current boyfriend thinks I'm crazy for not letting him watch porn. I then caught him watching porn once after he said he wouldn't and I freaked out. I felt really insecure. He said that he would stop doing it but I obsess over it and I check his phone when he's not looking. I also obsess over if he is talking to other girls. And then when I don't find anything, i tell myself that he has just gotten better at hiding stuff.

I can't tell this to anyone I know, I know they will judge me, so I'll write here instead. It's something i've been bottling inside for a while, it's very long so feel free to skip this. I've been feeling an intense guilt for something I didn't do and would never do. It's been a week and sometimes the guilt reappears and tortures me. I'm afraid that people are going to start unthinkable rumors about me and that nobody will believe me when that time comes. I'm afraid that I will be reported and that all my friends will leave me. Since I was in middle school, because I didn't have friends, I used to chat with strangers on a telegram group. Some of the people inside were messed up, but I stayed because most of them were funny. One day the EU announced a policy called "chat control" (I can't write what it is it about because only writing the word triggers me) and the people in the group started joking about them being reported to the police for having hentai videos on the app. I used it as an excuse to finally leave the circle, I wanted to severe my relationship with them and finally delete once for all my telegram account. I wanted to move on and actually live real life. I didn't want to be associated with those people anymore, because I feared of being cancelled in the future on the internet and everything . I deleted it, but once again I've found myself re-downloading telegram and re-entering the same group. I initially played around like if I were a new member, then I revealed myself, and someone asked, I guess jokingly, if I had deleted the account because I had **** (I can't write it) and I started panicking. I tried to tell him that it wasn't true but I wasn't able to communicate it well (my communication skills suck) then I proceeded to delete the account. What if they misunderstand? What if they really start believing what he said? What if they report me? I still regret it to this day, if only I could have explained better. After that I had anxiety and an immense feeling of guilt to the point that I didn't feel worthy of eating or feeling happy. I couldn't sleep because I felt like everything was over for me, I cried a lot. This lasted for 2 days until my mom noticed my behavior and talked some sense into me. Now I feel better but I still replay the conversation I had with that person in my head over and over again trying to fix the past in my head. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over this feeling. I try to not think about it, but it doesn't work. Why do I keep feeling like a monster, when I didn't really do anything?

If I've tried erp and other forms of therapy where do I go next?

TW POCD Is it possible that pocd can turn into something worse? Why all of a sudden is it that after all this time struggling with pocd that it’s trying to convince me that I’m a monster and that I like the thoughts? Like wth…..I am so confused. It’s like my anxiety isn’t there! I know that I would never in my entire life harm anyone. I think the thoughts are disturbing and weird but I’m guessing because they are sexual intrusive thoughts that maybe that’s why it’s doing that? Because they were sexual? But then my mind tells me that I like it because of them…NO! First of all heck no! And second of all I refuse to ever let that be true. If I give it time will it become more clear to me? Will this go away with time or am I what I fear? I don’t know what else to do. I need to know because I would rather give up than to become a monster……

I can't stop comparing myself to others and wishing I never did the things I did. And that I would stop having these intrusive thoughts about everything in life..sexual and non sexual thoughts. Its killing me .

Happy Thursday night everyone:) what's uppp. How's everyone doing? Just a reminder that everyone moves at different places. No need to compare your progress to someone else's. Or your life for that matter. Keep doing you and the progress will come naturally. You deserve all the best 😊

Really struggling today😪 anyone up for a conversation about the similar things we struggle with? (Not looking for reassurance just could use a friend)

I keep thinking about what happened and I keep wanting to cry and cry I don’t know if I should just go home but I can’t because my sister is there or just stay at work and try to distract. I just keep crying like crazy I hate my mind

I have this one specific intrusive thought that never wants to leave me alone. It’s about my 7 year old sister and it makes me so sad. The first time i had the thought I was sent into a full panic mode. It went away but now it’s back and every time I think about how I have to go home at the end of the night the thought comes and comes strong and it doesn’t stop. The other night the thought came strong and it right after the thought screamed in my head “do it” and I just remember getting up and I went to the bathroom and I kept getting up to try to walk it off in a sense but when I would get up to walk there would be a scenario playing in my that I would end up in her room and it would just play out. Ever since than im scared to go home or see her. I cry sometimes when I see a picture of her at home when she’s not there because im seriously scared that one day I’ll lose control and it’ll happen. I don’t want to go home and there’s no where else for me to go home. I have so much guilt in that house. I share a room so it’s hard for me to just isolate. I feel like this isn’t OCD anymore and ERP won’t help me. I just wish I had enough money to move out or stay somewhere where I can’t hurt my family or anyone. Every day is just so hard. It’s really hard to get through the day. Everyday I just wish something bad could happen to me so I don’t have to continue living this fucking nightmare. Im not looking for sympathy or anything I just need to release how I have been feeling because I really don’t have anyone to tell because im sure people would just say im crazy or a p and I feel like they are probably right. I hate that this is happening to me I wish I could just end up but im too much of a coward to do it

I'm scared and increasingly sure that I'm the exception who is truly what I fear. At this point I'm close to just assuming I'm a p who's in denial, but I so desperately don't want to accept that, so maybe I'm just here because I'm in denial. I don't know. I know I'm not a danger to children. I would never hurt a child. But the things I did at 11-14 are not deniable, and the older I get the worse I realize it was. Ik I posted about this once before and I don't mean to repeatedly seek reassurance but I don't think I explained properly how serious what I did was. I will explain v briefly, basically I developed a fetish as a small child, exactly what it was of isn't important, the thing that's important is that at 11-14 I wrote stories and watched yt videos and looked up pictures of children, specifically little girls as young as sometimes preschool age, related to this fetish. The content was never explicit, contained nudity, references to sex, anything like that, which is why for those years I couldn't imagine how it could possibly be sexual (I now have learned that fetishes are inherently sexual). I would never do the things I did at that age again, but there has to be a reason I wanted to. If it was a one time thing it would be different. It wasn't. Meaning even if I didn't know it was wrong at the time, there had to be a reason I wanted to, aka I must be a p. It's a bizarre situation bc I don't have attraction to children, I don't want to hurt a child, etc., nor did I ever want to engage the fetish stuff I was doing in sexual activity (in fact I'm asexual), which means I literally don't fit the description of what a typical p would be, unless I'm actually enjoying my intrusive thoughts and not actually getting groinals but just am in denial. Idk. I'm afraid I'm either a suppressed full p or some unusual kind of "partial" p just because of what I did when I was younger. I just hate it all, I want to make it all go away, I want to press a magic button and delete pedophilia from the universe, but those are real past things I did and I can't just run away from my past, when there's a pattern of behavior like that. I know this is a mental health support community and ppl are rlly nice here but please don't be afraid to tell me if this isn't OCD and I'm actually a p. I swear I will not post about this again after this.

I have been crying all day. I feel like no one understands. I feel like somethings terribly wrong. I say to myself that I would never harm anyone and my mind comes back on me and says “yeah you would”. I tell my self that it’s disgusting and terrible and my mind says “no it’s not” or “you like/want it don’t you?” And then I go on this endless spiral of what if’s. What if I am in denial? What if I am a monster and I just don’t know it yet? What if this is the end of me? What if I have to kms? What if this pain never goes away? What if my thoughts are the deciding factor and then everyone is going to find out, hate me or want me gone. I never asked for this. I never wanted this. I don’t want to become what I fear. I have POCD that’s it. I downright REFUSE to let it be anything else… So I pray to God to heal me right now in Jesus name. Calm my mind and give me strength. There has to be a way to make this all go away for good. I just can’t seem to figure any of this out. Why me God, why me?

Going through a rough patch with hocd, I feel like I completely believe that I am a lesbian but won’t come out/accept myself. It just feels like a realization when I go through these rough patches and I’m just ignoring them so that’s why I keep having them. When it spikes my thoughts/feelings are revolving around arousal and what I get aroused by sexually. I’ve done my exposures but it feels like nothing is helping today and I can only let it pass and hope for a better day tomorrow.

Someone help me 💔

I feel like no one gets it. That I’m all alone in this. I don’t understand why this is happening. The thoughts feel so real. My mind keeps trying to trick me into thinking that I like the thoughts or want them. It just can’t be. Why does it feel so real? What’s wrong with me 💔

Did anyone freak out even more when they were diagnosed with OCD? I had some intrusive thoughts but they were bearable. It got 10x worse when I started looking into OCD more and was diagnosed.

I have a lot to say to my parents, I am 35 mine started young but hit hard at 16. Why didn’t they get me the help with this I needed growing up?? I could have been cured of this mess this disorder I didn’t have to suffer for 22 years. I feel like a fool like a idiot for suffering all these years I feel like a fool for my past for me trying to “figure myself out” it didn’t have to be like this or like it is for me right now my life could have been so much better and full of love. I am angry both my parents were drug addicts my mom had OCD she didn’t deserve to have kids when my symptoms got severe I turned suicidal my mom decided she wanted a divorce and abandoned us took my bro and sis and left me with her ex. I watched my dad tumble thru the divorce threatens suicide on me 3 times and I watched him put a shotgun in his mouth. All this is coming back up I am 35 now. I can’t stop thinking about the things I saw and the things that happened to me growing up. All this is on the surface now I am dealing with it. It’s all horrible I have been holding all this in for 22 years. I just want to be free and happy 😊. I feel Horrible

How does NOCD make money? And am I wasting resources by using it even though I'm not doing the therapy?