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the NOCD Community

If you get triggered very easily like me. I would NOT recommend reading!!! I wrote a whole ass essay lmao. I’m just venting about my obsession they are really crazy and feel very real. I feel like if any of you were to read this you would think I do deserve to go to a mental hospital or something. I feel that way too but I don’t want to end up there I want to get better. My whole entire life I’ve been obsessive. So many obsessive thoughts and fear. It has never been to this extent it would only last a couple of hours and it would go away. I was and am an over thinker. So when it first started I thought once I get my answers it would go away but it didn’t it wasn’t enough. I had been obsessed for like 2 months. My obsession turned into intrusive thoughts. I began to google dug myself I’m a hole. Decided I need help and I need to get out of this as soon as possible. I wanted it to leave as soon as it came. Ever since I started medication sometimes I feel like it took away the obsessiveness but some how I ended up still thinking the way I was before medication if that makes any sense. I just kinda remember looking back at photos of me and missing and wanting to be that girl again. Be her, be the person I new before my mind turned into this. I’m the beginning it would feel like a never ending nightmare always worried about my thoughts and obsessions. I would say these new thoughts are temporary when I wake up tomorrow I’ll begin to worry about my original obsession and that was true. Some times I would tell myself like wake up beat your mind. You need to get out of this mental state and be engaged get back to the person you were. I began to have fears of doing stuff in my sleep. Or I had fears of doing stuff that I don’t remember doing. I had fears of what if all these intrusive thoughts started because all along I had a personality hidden inside of me like the movie split and I got thoughts like that but the go away. Than I started to worry about my memory as if I couldn’t remember stuff. Like I was scared of not being able to recall my childhood, memories with friends, family. So I would test my memory. Than I would worry about the way I’m currently living and wondering if I’m the future I’m going to look back at this time in my life and remember it. I’m scared of forgetting this period in my life. I also began to think what if I’m the future I get intrusive thoughts about events that’s that happened and they are twisted and cause me to spiral. Than a coworker told me about a movie called “the beautiful mind” which has to do with a man living in his memories but actually is in a mental hospital because he is schizophrenic. I started to get thoughts what if everyday that’s what happening to me or would think if I keep thinking this way I’m going to end up going in that route. Than I began to worry about forgetting who the people in my life are. Yesterday I started to tell myself who I was and the people important to me because nothing felt real and it was dream. Than at work I started to feel as though no one around me was real. I guess like a simulation. And I would look at my coworkers like you guys are your own people with your own thoughts. It also felt like yesterday if I don’t see you physically you don’t exist to me which doesn’t make sense because I know you exist but for some reason my mind is taking it that way. I see my mom or people I love and I kinda panic because it like you are related to me you know me I know you and you live your own separate life. Than it starts again with the this isn’t real. I’ll look at pictures of the past of myself, my family members, and boyfriend, than I start to get thoughts like I don’t know who they are or don’t remember them. I’m terrified of my OCD making my actual brain forget everyone and everything that’s important to me. So when I’m not getting intrusive thought and it’s just me i try not to think about it because I feel like my brain will start to forget everyone. I try to go on social media to distract but than I start to get thoughts about how they aren’t real or how they live their own lives and stuff. It’s just hard to explain. Sometimes I feel the need to take pictures or write down everyday what I do so I can look back in case I feel like I’ll forget what happened that day. I also feel as tho maybe my dosage in medication is too high and I worry i have an excessive amount of serotonin and maybe that’s why I’m starting to question reality and those around me. Question if life is real or not. Also at work I had spilled a house hold cleaner and I picked it up. I washed my hands after but I have a bad habit of biting my nails and I bit my nail and tasted the cleaner and freaked out. I’m scared the cleaner that I had tasted is in mud system and it’s affecting my medication and my thinking process. Just so many possibilities and I just don’t know what makes sense. Im scared of doing erp for this because it accepting the uncertainty. So it freaks me out because I feel like I have to accept all those things. I have to accept every day I may or may not be living in a dream, simulation, my memories, and everything else I listed. And I feel like it’ll drive me mad. I’m scared that I won’t recover and I won’t get to live a normal life like I use too. I have so much anxiety writing this but this all how I feel and it must sound crazy and if you read this thank you and I hope you don’t get triggered but this how I feel and I don’t see it getting better. If you read all the way through and have advice please comment! Also thank you for taking the time to read this I hope you have a great day!!

Literally no one would believe me when I tell them I didn’t exactly know how bad it was when I made the mistake I did.. not even me some of the time. I keep telling myself I should have thought so much harder before doing that. Even if I had just done one thing different it would have been fine. I want to turn back time so badly but i would feel guilty if I did because with feel I deserve this pain which I do but🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣lmao

How do I stop believing my obsessive thoughts around my health?

someone please reply i need help

I’ve been dealing with ROCD for over a year now… obsessing non stop but now it feels calmer but yet I am still the same… I have had loving moments with my partner. I am still 2nd guessing everything worried if I am with him for the wrong reasons…. ☹️ everytime I think about having sex with him I think about how I felt last time and it makes me wanna avoid it. I am at a loss honestly…

I’ve got a point where I feel like I’m leading my girlfriend on with my HOCD. If we ever have an argument (which is rare anyway) it adds to my OCD evidence. Every time I read a coming out story I find a little nugget in it I relate to but it still just doesn’t make any sense to me. I feel like OCD has stripped me apart and changed me into something I don’t want to be, but I have no choice but to go along with it. I keep going back over my past and finding evidence that I was in denial I all along and it’s just getting too much because the evidence doesn’t make me feel better, or feel relieved it just makes me feel awful. As if I have no choice in the matter and I just have to do what my brain tells me it wants. This all started when my ROCD was really bad and I literally just heard someone mention the word “gay” on the TV and that became my latest obsession and now I’m starting to think maybe this isn’t OCD at all maybe I’m just gay and in denial but I don’t want to be, but it feels like I have no choice. I was so in love before all of this and it’s taken it all anyway.

I spend a ton of time picking at my face every time I see a mirror. Sometimes I can sit there for almost an hour, and by the time I'm done I can look like a burn victim bc my face is so irritated. I just now, at 3:30am, got done doing this for 30 minutes, and now I have anxiety. Does this have to do with my OCD, and does anyone else experience this???

TW POCD I’m really freaking out because I just had a random thought that I think was an intrusive thought I’m not entirely sure but it was soooooo disturbing! I had a thought about a family member that OCD likes to attack a lot. It was about my niece who’s staying with my family next week and I don’t think I’m going to be able to handle the intrusive thoughts. I really don’t. I’m already having them and she’s not even here. The intrusive thought was about going to a store that she likes to go to and in their Halloween section they have this green wig and I thought at first it would be hilarious and silly ya know but then I had a horrible thought that it would be “sexy” or “hot” if she wore it and now I’m very disgusted and freaked out. I’m just venting but I’m really upset now and I don’t know what to do. I’ve also struggled with when I have intrusive thoughts like that, that I actually feel like it’s real and I do actually think that but I know deep down it can’t be true because that’s just not who I am. I really care about my niece and would literally do anything to protect her and make sure she’s safe and try to be a good role model to her. OCD just really sucks man 😭💔

Holy Moly! As if unlocking a new theme, real event ocd, wasn’t hard enough, my body decided that today is the day to have a side effect from changing medication…anxiety 👍🥲. I am currently in my room trying to keep myself calm but good lord it isn’t working very well. As a few people on here have probably heard from me recently, I am struggling with some bad choices I made in the past (some in the recent past). For the life of me I can’t stop asking myself why I did that repeatedly. It wasn’t a mistake I made once and moved on. I don’t think I thought it was a big deal at the time ( which also concerns me because why would it not be a big deal back then). Plus some people mentioned the topic in question in their posts the last few days which has just sent even more alarms off in my head. Gosh I would do anything to go back and stop myself. More than anything I wish there was something I could do to make up for it. I am so scared it means something bad about me. I feel like such a horrible, sick person. Medication changes and new obsessions are such a horrible combination.

Has medication helped any of you ? I’m looking into it because I feel like I just can’t cope anymore everyday is a struggle for me to do anything with my kids or around the house cause I feel so trapped by my thoughts I really feel I could benefit from it.

Ok so I seriously need some help here: I haven’t received the help that I need but I have done a ton of research and have a great understanding of intrusive thoughts and what they do and do not say about us as a person. My themes have varied from POCD, HOCD and ROCD. I have been terrified of losing control, prison and anything in between. Lately, I have been hyper-focused on the story of Gabby Petito. Like I do somehow do that very thing to my significant other. Even though I have no “urge” to hurt them, or desire to, I somehow believe it is my intention and my capabilities. It’s tearing me apart. Due to all of this? I have contemplated suicide, I have had thoughts about not being around anymore. And yes, all my thoughts center around, “well How do I know for sure they don’t mean anything about my true self or my true intentions?” Any help would be appreciated, even if it’s reassurance at this point.

My therapist gives me exposure work to be done at home but I don't do them So when I told him,he gave me the option of pausing our sessions for now until I have the will and courage to get better and tbh I don't have the strength to face my fears I don't know what to do,should I continue the sessions even though they may not be beneficial as I'm not cooperating with him or should I gain strength and have the will to get better firat then resume the sessions? Would really appreciate your advice

One of the hardest things for me to accept is that maybe my brain is doing all of this to me and that none of it is real.

Guys idk. This doesn’t feel like ocd at all anymore. It’s not really thoughts today it’s feelings. And it feels like I want to. I can’t even get myself to argue. It feels natural. It’s like my ocd is gone and this is it.

Hey, I'm brand new here. I've been in therapy before for OCD and anxiety however my therapist seemed to get upset with me and my roadblocks. He did not seem to understand "just right" subtype and kept asking me questions to which I had no answers for because it simply did not apply. It was also extremely difficult to do exposure therapy because my OCD is embedded in daily routine and tasks. Having someone dump dirt on my floor was not going to elicit a flare because the interaction had been planned that day. I was blamed for not wanting to get better. I need someone that understands that "my rules" for how I live my life are in place simply because I do not know how to live without them - without I feel out of control and chaos and my brain just gets stuck for reasons I dont even understand but it's extremely discomforting and debilitating. Theres very little fear-base (ie: Im afraid I dont have my 3 cups of coffee, I will fall asleep spontaneously or If I dont check the curtains 3 times, the sun will burn a hole in my floor and set my house on fire) and more so rooted in a "just right" feeling which has ties to moralistic, perfectionistic, and affects relationships. It's more I check the curtains because it just doesnt feel right - or how do I know they are positioned "just right" if I dont? I religiously use my turn signal even when turning in and out of my own driveway because that's RIGHT. Sometimes it's a law that dictates it or moral code and other times for more Neutral things I've set my own "laws" in order to navigate the "gray" areas that I do realize are not normal or needed. However if I do not follow them or am unable to (ie: it's time to vaccum and my vaccum breaks), I shut down/meltdown and intensely feel anxiety and discomfort that's nearly unexplainable. I know logically if my vaccum is broken I can clean my refrigerator out instead or move onto another task but OCD illicits such strong anxiety and discomfort that it send my brain into crash mode. I know it's ridiculous but I cannot move on until the vaccum is fixed and I can continue the ORDER of routine. If it takes along time for the vaccum to be repaired, I might feel as if I have to "start all over again" instead of picking up where I left off...which is again, time consuming loop that causes very little accomplishments and things that do not have to be re-cleaned again to be re-cleaned in the specific order of my routine. I do hang onto items longer than needed and have a fear - based lack of spending I've been trying to work through. I have plans to purge my closets soon of clothing I've hung onto for over 10 years, but it sometimes is to the point where it affects my self care (Ie: I refuse to buy myself underwear because I am afraid to spend money even though my underwear is holey and barely held together. I cannot "afford" to buy food because what if I need the money for a bill?") - this has been easier to identify and work through but I'm still recovering. I also obsess over the past concerning familial childhood relationships have an abandonment root for me. I repeat myself verbally and written word when upset or when communicating with people and they often get annoyed - I believe it's because I never felt understood, valued or heard and I want to make certain they understand me clearly. When everything else falls apart I dive into answers online, medical, self help, history and stories....I look up facts, cases, ect ect and because theres always facts to learn it helps quench the extreme need for "just so" answers. But I tend to get lost and lose track of time. BUT "just so" root type has been extremely difficult to treat and function with. I end up feeling like I'm failing, I hold guilt for not being able to take care of my family and things "normal" people can handle or accomplish. I'm frustrated with myself but I also know my family is frustrated with me. I get irritable and shut down and can accomplish anything when I get roadblocked...its like my brain cannot compute how to navigate without the exact order and routine. My inners feel like a 3 year old is temper tantruming uncontrollably inside of me and its extremely distressing. I want help. I just need to know I'm not alone and I'm in the right place with people who understand the subtypes and MY specific OCD. I cannot go through getting blamed again for not trying hard enough by a therapist when I am fighting with everything I am every day and I am exhausted. I'm here now because my quality of life has been greatly diminished amidst transitions in life right now and change in familial dynamic that's prevented my normal routine and sent me into chaos. It's going on 4 months and I thought I could navigate it with time, but it's not gotten any better and I need help to get my life back on track on way or another. Thank you for getting this far if you have. Advice, comments, thoughts welcome.

Misdiagnosis is a huge problem and barrier to receiving the right treatment. Who else out there has been misdiagnosed?

Having a bad day today. Started ERP Monday. My anxiety has gone down whilst doing them but today I woke up with the compulsions going at full force. Going over conversations ober and over...listening to ERP and a voice saying no people dont think bad of you because it has been 2 years since you told them your thoughts..... I HATE this episode. I just wish I could realise that the two older people who I told my intrusive thoughts to about their grandaughter 2 years ago KNOW for sure it was OCD thoughts and nothing else. My mind is telling me all sorts.....I have never worried about what they thought for 2 years but now I do because they have fallen out with me over covid. I am listening to a loop tape which says 'do they think my OCD thoughts were real' and then another one that they think I am a 'p'. I feel like giving up. Please if anyone else has had this type of OCD thought of what people think of you PLEASE could you tell me how you got over it? I am just sooooo anxious today. Is this because I have been doing ERP all week? I cant do this anymore. I wanted a peer support but still havent got one...... i dont know how much more of this i can take, honestly xx

Can ocd cause psychosis?

Hi everyone! I’m new to this and also new to OCD and my fear. A few months ago I was triggered and developed an intense fear around developing schizophrenia. It got so bad but I didn’t know it was ocd until only a few days ago and I started seeing a therapist that I found on this app. She wanted me to start doing the exposures and I was like “oh I can do this, piece of cake!” Yeah NOT!! So one of my exposures was to google about it (which is what initially caused me to be triggered and spiral in the first place a few months ago) and now I’m so worked up and questioning that how can this be healthy for me to constantly expose myself to my fear? Like it’s terrifying!! Does anyone else have this fear? I feel so alone with it and don’t know how to talk about it without being labeled “crazy” which of course is my biggest fear 😭 I’m not necessarily looking for reassurance (at least I don’t think I am) but more support on how do I get through these exposures when I think they are hurting me more than helping me.

I need some advice. How do I tell my boy best friend that I don’t want to go out with him at lunch. He is CONSTANTLY nagging me to go out with him at lunch, and since he has told me how much he likes me, I’m just very uncomfortable around him because I have rocd and can’t date him. I am also very uncomfortable because of how flirty he was being toward me, and I just don’t do good with flirting. I just don’t want to go out for lunch with him, but I’m worried he’ll get upset because he can get a bit sensitive. He knows about my ocd, he just doesn’t get it. Being around him lately has caused me a lot of anxiety, and discomfort, and I don’t know why. I just don’t want him to think that I don’t want to be his friend, because I do. I just need time to process this whole thing, and I think I might need to do that away from him. It doesn’t mean I want to end our friendship, I just think I need to gather my thoughts and figure out how to go about our friendship. Any advice as to how to go about this, I will take anything I can get. Thank you very much guys!