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the NOCD Community

I need friends. Irl friends outside of this app i mean. Family life and social life is a mess. It sucks because im stuck at this house where my parents dont even talk to eachother and use me to escape that and i dont talk to anyone either not my brother and not even my cousin who lives with us. And now Im not able to talk to anyone… i tried reaching out to old friends but its obvious that the time thats passed has made things awakward. Im starting to think im the problem. I mean it is pretty obvious that i am…. Ugh

Now it’s feeling like I’m attracted to this boy in the tv show I’m watching :/ and it showed that he got a bit older? In it and I noticed his voice was deeper and now I just 🥲🙄 idk anymore if it’s attraction or not and Ive been feeling super emotional for the past couple of hours and yesterday I found out that the boy in the show is actually 20 now 😭 so idk what to think abt this Bc he’s older than me and I- idk how to explain it, I really wish I could have someone to tell my most disturbing thoughts to irl Bc I feel like no one else can understand what I’m going thru :(..

Is it normal to just dwell on the same stupid shit you did years ago over and over and over again? Mine has to do with porn, which is something I haven't watched in 7 whole months. Every single day I constantly ruminate over the videos I've seen when I was like 13-18. At such a young age I literally don't know anything about sex yet I'm curious but I can't help but see it as proof that I'm a horrible person. I'm against pornography and I hate what it does to people and societies. It's not good for anyone and it's nothing but a coping mechanism. I wish someone told me that when I was addicted to it. It's all bullshit. It's all fake and it keeps people manipulated. How do you just put the past where it belongs? Especially when you change your behaviors from who you were years ago? I used to be such a piece of shit to other people and to myself back in high school. My own friends knew that too. I'm happy that I've changed as I got older, but why does this shit still bother me? What is there to worry about? Every single day these same thoughts of "Oh you watched that weird porno. What if someone was being assault" or "what if they weren't of age" "what if you're a nasty sexual predator" and based on my emotions it feels completely real. At the same time I remember when I was much younger all I did was watch weird shit based on the childhood shows that i grew up with. I don't know why the fuck I spent so much time watching all of this nonsense, other than just being too addicted, which I'm not anymore. I just want this to go away. This has been going on ever since April 2020 and never before. Why is this now all of a sudden bothering me but it hasn't before? Why was I such a fucking idiot back in high school? Am I just being too hard on myself?

Is constant brain chatter pretty normal with OCD? Like I have periods of so much random chatter that I'm like... whoa man... And right now I'm having significant ruminations on "The only way this goes away is if you die" I'm like. What the heck. Then I'll think to that thought that that's completely untrue and continue cleaning what I'm cleaning but it's annoying as f. No I do not want to unalive myself

I haven’t worried about the knife thing in over a year.. if I thought about it I dismissed it with no problem. Earlier I was putting the cutlery away and had an intrusive thought about stabbing my daughter just because I could and now I feel like I’m going to pass out

I have had multiple different times had false attraction and anxiety when I heard a woman’s voice when I was suffering with SO-OCD. Now I’ve experienced it with a child since I’ve gotten pocd. I don’t know why but it literally makes me terrified anxious and feel very agitated.

I'm not scared of uncertainty, but I can't stand negative answers to my doubts... Is that rocd? I have doubts that keeps me in anxiety about feelings in my relationship; i feel guilty for even thinking about that and I can't "put them on silent". I was never scared of uncertainty, because each time I have a doubt; I think the answer is the negative one, that make me feel really bad (and I take these feelings as a confirmation), but I really don't want the answer to be the worst one... so is like I'm fighting with myself to find proofs that the real answer is not the bad one (the one that I don't want to be true)! And only then I can have a little peace... but the next hour; I'm sad again for the same reason! Is that rocd, or like I'm just trying to force myself😅?

Need advice on a situation that’s making my OCD act up and making me feel really bad. Please respond!! So I have a lot of OCD surrounding the fear of having had cheated on assignments/tests. I’m a college student and I really value integrity and honesty in my work. Yesterday during class we were playing this game for extra credit and we were not allowed to talk with/work together with other teams. The one guy on my team mentioned that he was in contact with one of his friends on the other team were in contact and trying to collaborate. I was PISSED. I wanted to tell him to stop but I was really shy and this guy is really confident/loud so I didn’t find the courage to stop him and I feel really bad about it. Eventually he stopped having contact with him but I’m afraid that his knowledge of stuff with the other team influenced our answers. Then this other guy on the team tried to make contact as well but I was able to shut him down and tell him to stop. The thing is I don’t think we ended up using any of the information we knew about the other team, but I really don’t know. We ended up winning the most extra credit points than any team and I feel so bad about it. SO BAD. I don’t know what to do. I really want to confess but I’m afraid of getting in trouble, afraid of getting 8 other people in trouble if they get mad at me esp cause a lot of them weren’t even the ones communicating. I’m also afraid of this desire to confess being a compulsion, but I also don’t want to benefit from anything that could possibly be cheating and I’m afraid of being associated with this. I want to do the good thing but I also don’t want to get people in trouble. I’m just really mad about this whole situation. I’m afraid the professor is going to find out if I don’t come forward/someone else will tell them before I do. Also me and the professor are close/have a professional relationship as I’m helping her out with research and she’s helping me out with a grant proposal. I’m really passionate about it and I’m afraid of losing that opportunity and afraid that I’ll lose my career/degree over this. I did not choose for those guys to do that. I did not choose to be on their team. The thing is also they were not being quiet particularly about the collaboration. It’s possible the professor heard them talking about this and already knows and is waiting for someone to come forward. I just can’t handle this. I had a nightmare about it last night and woke up in a major anxiety attack like 3 times. What do y’all suggest I do? Am I overreacting? It is just extra credit but it feels really unfair to me. Thank you for reading if you did.

Did you guys also lose the infatuation since the thoughts started?

I genuinely feel that i post for the sake of it cause nothing anybody writes back to me reassures me anymore.. is it because the thoughts i have are actually true and i know how this works now so i force these compulsions cause its easier that way? Would i actually be okay and believe if someone just disregards all this and says i am in denial and i should accept would i be okay with that? Will i have anxiety I don’t think so i am numb that nothing matters to me anymore what do i do?!

How do you get past the trauma of your first big OCD episode? Mines happened three months ago at home. I vividly remember that day. Everything was going normal until the afternoon when an old video triggered the intrusive thought about “what if I harm my mom.” I remember the tremendous fear that I felt in that moment. Even writing about this now is hard I feel my chest tightening. That month was really hard for the first time in my life I felt like my life had no purpose. I had no idea how I was going to get through the day let alone the week and the rest of my life. That was the moment I hit rock bottom. Now that I am in therapy I have had my fair share of wins and defeats. Most of the times I let this fear of returning to the place I was a couple months ago consume me pulling my back into episodes of depression. I hate always feeling scared and having these intrusive thoughts and feeling out of my body and not recognizing myself in the mirror. It’s hard because I feel disgust about myself. Like I’m my own worst enemy. With the holidays around the corner I’m scared to go back home. I feel sadness because my roommates cannot stop expressing their excitement about going back home yet I’m sitting here in anxiety reminiscing on the fact that I’m might hit rock bottom again. I want to feel Ike myself and be excited about seeing my parent instead of being scared of not only getting these thoughts but the strong emotions that I felt. One of the current themes that I have is the idea of being or going crazy and suicidal OCD. My suicidal OCD makes me feel like it will be to hard to handle and I might do something to harm myself although I don’t want to. I just want advice because I miss my parent but scared cause, I don’t trust myself to be physically and emotionally ready to because I miss myself I grief who I was as a friend, sister, and daughter. I want to stop feeling out of my body and overall terrified .

Is there anyone with Racism themed OCD? I've been really struggling with this taboo theme & I'm finding it hard to function/find myself avoiding people out of fear of being perceived as racist. I constantly worry that I'm being perceived as racist. I'm white, I consider myself to be an ally of BIPOC and to work on being anti-racist. Lately though, I get hit with a ton of intrusive thoughts about coming across as racist when I speak to a BIPOC, which causes anxiety, which my anxiety probably then appears racist to the other person. I can't imagine what BIPOC have to endure on a daily basis just because of their skin color, so I'm not trying to make this about me. I'm just wondering if I'm alone in this or if other people struggle with this OCD theme. To be honest, it's pretty severe and it's attacking my core, because this "theme" feels opposite to what I value (being an ally, fighting to be anti-racist & dismantle racism) & who I am. I can tell that other people notice I'm anxious, and I just hate that I'm displaying nervousness because I'm sure it makes the other person uncomfortable. I know I'm coming off as anxious to other people. I know it because I'm trying so hard not to be perceived as racist, to get the interaction "right", that interactions just get weird, anxiety filled & awkward & I'm sure the other person is like wtf, this person is a racist. I don't know how to stop getting so lost in my head. I've tried to tell myself "Maybe I am a sick, racist human being, oh well", but that doesn't help because I don't agree with that statement.

Why does Rocd have to push me so hard?? Why do i have to be afraid all the time that i will be abandoned or betrayed??? My mind is creating scenarios over and over again so i ask.for reassurance from my husband even for the smallest details...its a torture because i feel anxious, doubtful and guilty as I don't show trust and feel like a sick person...i want it to leave me at last, it's like living with your enemy inside your head every single second...help guyyyys!!!

Does anyone else feel like there is something missing from you like you feel empty? I’ve been in therapy for about a month and a half and have gotten a lot better according to my therapist although sometimes I don’t feel the progress. However, on the good days with OCD I feel empty like a piece of me is empty.

My grandma let me stay home from school today because I’ve been doing really bad and I had an upset stomach so I was stuck in the restroom but I completely forgot we had a test for band and a football game (season ended, it’s like an extra game) so I’m getting 3 zeros and I feel super anxious/guilty for not going now. But at the same time, I am struggling terribly to keep up. I’m in band, the math team, high q and academic decathlon. Additionally, I’m in calculus , an AP course which is also very time consuming and demanding. I have meetings for one of the clubs every day. So I usually get home around 5 or 6 depending on the day and then I spend an hour trying to do my calculus homework that I’m really not understanding, I shower and eat and then get maybe 2 hours to myself before I have to go to sleep and do it all over again the next day. My calculus/math team teacher is disappointed in me because of my low grade but I really do try. I don’t study every day like she wants me to, but I squeeze in when I can and I show up the mornings that I need help and stay for her math practice for two hours. My band teacher’s try to be understanding which is why I feel guilty and on Tuesday’s I have sectionals but I can’t go because I have math team practice and my math team teacher said if I go and miss practice more than once she’ll kick me off the team. My academic decathlon teacher is the biggest sweetheart ever and always so understanding but if I decide to go to his meetings I miss out on practicing my clarinet so that my band director isn’t upset. (I’m first chair in his top band). Weekends are the Only time I have off and that was only recently , when marching season was going on a few weeks ago I had competitions every Saturday. I’m also supposed to be applying to colleges but I’m struggling to find the motivation for anything. And while all this is going on, my home life is a mess. My sister struggles severely with depression and has even been diagnosed with psychotic tendencies. It makes me so anxious/upset/hurt and frustrated when she threatens my family. She’s constantly in and out of the mental hospital and always takes my stuff without asking and leaves glue/paint all over it. My grandparents are very stubborn and see things the way they want , which means they have a lot of misconceptions about mental health that don’t make it any easier on my sister and I. My mom I only see every couple of days and let’s just say my relationship with her isn’t the best and she also has her own problems going on. My relationship is long distance too which is very difficult but my partner is so supportive and loving which helps me so much and the fact that we’re long distance means I have time to myself which is good because of how busy I am but sometimes I miss his presence so much. But worst of all is that underneath everything I am struggling so much with my ocd. It doesn’t even feel ocd some days. Everyday in band, in calculus, at football games, in the restroom at school I’m just ruminating and googling, having intrusive thoughts/urges about sexual orientation ocd. Everyday I grieve for the girl I used to be and I grieve for the love and attraction I had for my beautiful boyfriend who I really want to marry one day but I feel doomed to become something I don’t want to be. Those thoughts are what drains the life out of me, the reason I don’t want to go to school or enjoy my extracurricular actives , the reason I don’t study as much or read as much. Because I feel so sad to have my identity compromised , to have to stolen from me. To feel less than I am, to feel unworthy of the love I receive. To wonder if there is something wrong with me, that hurts me more than anything. That was just a large vent I needed to put out there

I’ve been struggling lately with the idea that people are selfish beings and everything we do is out of our own self interest. Like even with my mom, whom I love more dearly than anyone else on this planet, I feel like she doesn’t love me but rather the way I make her feel. Same with friendships and everything else. I feel like my friends don’t like me, but they like the way I make them feel about themselves and how they themselves are happy when they’re around me. Does anyone else feel this way? Any advice?

Along with checking forums and blogs etc, I've got into a bad trap of compulsively masturbating to porn of or fantasising about men to prove my attraction to them. I enjoy it and I know I like it, but I still keep doing it nonetheless for short term reassurance/relief. I'm a bisexual female in the most loving relationship with a guy, we have a great sex life and communicate about everything, but I still keep doubting my preferences or levels of attraction because I'm sexually attracted to women too. I'm constantly trying to make sure that it's okay or 'right' that I'm with him and check if I 'should' be with a woman instead, even though I know how I feel and that my biggest fear is losing him. I'm sick and tired of it, and wondered if anyone else has this physical compulsion too, not for reassurance but so I don't feel so alone.

What is the link between alcohol and ocd?

Nobody else in my family has OCD so it's very difficult for them to understand or even care and it makes me feel really lonely

How do we accept uncertainty when it comes to our sexual orientation.. especially when this subtype makes us so confused. Do people actually get over this theme? Any tips from my fellow suffers? 😔