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Is anyone truly 100% straight or gay? I identify as straight but then i get caught up in if anyone is 100% one way or the other, and if they are I feel bad because idk if i’m 100% straight

To start off, yes I have a therapist, yes I have a psychiatrist and so far I am only diagnosed with ptsd, ocd, gad, hypochondriasis, and panic disorder. So for the past 5 months I’ve been dealing with a terrible ocd/hypochondria theme where I have COMPLETELY convinced myself I am in the beginning stages of schizophrenia or some other related horrific psychotic disorder. Ive read way too much on common delusions, symptoms, hallucinations, personal stories, Reddit stories etc. Anyway, for some reason my ocd has really latched on to the common symptom schizophrenics have which are religious delusions, at least I hope it’s just my ocd and not actually schizophrenia. Everyday I get these terrible existential/demonic “delusional thoughts”. Like “what if my wife is a demon” “what if my cat is a demon” “this song has demonic energy” “the face that person made was demonic” “this house has negative demonic energy” “what if you are possessed” “what if these ugly brown mushrooms growing in your yard are a sign of demonic energy”, shit like that. Literally everything I look at now has some sort of “negative energy” or feels eerie or “demonic”, everything I look at always has to have some sort of malicious intent or negative undertone, I can’t watch anything on YouTube anymore, I can’t listen to my favorite bands anymore like Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden etc, these thoughts have made me become so avoidant of dark things and even normal light hearted things! Now first off, I am a literal atheist, I am a complete skeptic, I have never ever been superstitious. I was a huge Marilyn Manson fan in my teens, I’m a horror movie junkie( or at least I used to be before this theme took over), i literally have shirts with pentagrams and upside down crosses etc. why has my ocd suddenly branched off into this religious ocd/delusional thinking? Is this maybe a dp/dr thing too? It literally feels like I am in a horror movie, when I’m really REALLY spiraling and ruminating hard, it feels like I’m in another world filled with pure DREAD and horror.I know for sure that every single one of these thoughts and feelings are untrue and very unlikely. I do not believe any of these thoughts at all, yet the fear they create and the vibes that accompany them make it feel almost real. When I’m in full blown panic and start to spiral really bad sometimes I feel like I almost believe these thoughts, and feel paranoid almost, when the anxiety and fear passes though I can have a brief moment of clarity where I can laugh these thoughts off and almost be myself again, but it’s very short lived before these thoughts start creeping back up. The content of the thoughts is scaring me but the fact that I’m even having these types of thoughts and fears in the first place is scaring me even more because it is reinforcing my fears that I am becoming schizophrenic/psychotic. Why have I suddenly become like this? I can’t enjoy anything anymore without getting these awful awful thoughts. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

I feel like every time I do talk to someone or journal or type it I feel the same and lately I’ve been feeling worse and worse mentally and I’m worried that I’ll do something he won’t like and he’ll get angry at me or won’t trust me anymore nd sometimes I get worrriwd that I’ll hate working and that my depression will get too bad to where I can’t get up and go or maybe I’ll have a bad hair day and don’t have time to do it and sometimes when I vent to him I feel like I’m hiding something or trying to change the subject from something idk i think bc he’s my boyfriend and he rly cares abt me and I think if I tell him certain things he won’t like it and he’ll make me stop those things and sometimes I feel so crazy not like psych ward crazy but unwell n delusional crazy like hell breakup w me bc of how irritated he could become bc of me or the things I do or say or feel or think. idk I just hate having a mind of my own sometimes and when I get suicidal thoughts that I’d never go through I get sad bc of how badly I think I’ll end my life before I reach 24 and I get sad bc I wouldn’t get to experience life with him or kids with him or a first home with him I would miss out on so much and I get sadder bc fomo and his love for me and my love for him is the only thing I feel like keeping me alive currently and then I feel like it’s selfish bc now maybe it potentially feels like he’s w me by force which ik he’s not it’s bc he loves me! And I think im just not used to it n I expect us to always be together always b texting always have each others attention 24/7 bc I don’t do anything but he does and I think that’s what makes me feel crazy like I need to find a hobby like him so im not left feeling so alone and more obsessed but then ii think that’s so dumb that people go an hour or two without texting Bc they have their own lives n im so stuck just rotting and not taking care of myself like others are able to do and recently I’ve been eating so bad I can’t bring myself to finish a meal or eat breakfast all I do is feel tired and drink water and get thoughts of wanting to cut myself bc I want an outlet and sometimes I want my outlet to be cutting myself bc the release is so big and I scar and touch them and hide them and I can control how small or big or deep it is or who I want to tell or don’t want to tell but isn’t that selfish? Or manipulative? To know that ppl don’t want me to do those things or ask me not to and I end up doing it anyway ? Idk I’m rambling I’m so sad all the time I’m crying all the time I cry everyday of my life and no one knows

To start off, yes I have a therapist, yes I have a psychiatrist and so far I am only diagnosed with ptsd, ocd, gad, hypochondriasis, and panic disorder. So for the past 5 months I’ve been dealing with a terrible ocd/hypochondria theme where I have COMPLETELY convinced myself I am in the beginning stages of schizophrenia or some other related horrific psychotic disorder. Ive read way too much on common delusions, symptoms, hallucinations, personal stories, Reddit stories etc. Anyway, for some reason my ocd has really latched on to the common symptom schizophrenics have which are religious delusions, at least I hope it’s just my ocd and not actually schizophrenia. Everyday I get these terrible existential/demonic “delusional thoughts”. Like “what if my wife is a demon” “what if my cat is a demon” “this song has demonic energy” “the face that person made was demonic” “this house has negative demonic energy” “what if you are possessed” “what if these ugly brown mushrooms growing in your yard are a sign of demonic energy”, shit like that. Literally everything I look at now has some sort of “negative energy” or feels eerie or “demonic”, everything I look at always has to have some sort of malicious intent or negative undertone, I can’t watch anything on YouTube anymore, I can’t listen to my favorite bands anymore like Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden etc, these thoughts have made me become so avoidant of dark things and even normal light hearted things! Now first off, I am a literal atheist, I am a complete skeptic, I have never ever been superstitious. I was a huge Marilyn Manson fan in my teens, I’m a horror movie junkie( or at least I used to be before this theme took over), i literally have shirts with pentagrams and upside down crosses etc. why has my ocd suddenly branched off into this religious ocd/delusional thinking? Is this maybe a dp/dr thing too? It literally feels like I am in a horror movie, when I’m really REALLY spiraling and ruminating hard, it feels like I’m in another world filled with pure DREAD and horror.I know for sure that every single one of these thoughts and feelings are untrue and very unlikely. I do not believe any of these thoughts at all, yet the fear they create and the vibes that accompany them make it feel almost real. When I’m in full blown panic and start to spiral really bad sometimes I feel like I almost believe these thoughts, and feel paranoid almost, when the anxiety and fear passes though I can have a brief moment of clarity where I can laugh these thoughts off and almost be myself again, but it’s very short lived before these thoughts start creeping back up. The content of the thoughts is scaring me but the fact that I’m even having these types of thoughts and fears in the first place is scaring me even more because it is reinforcing my fears that I am becoming schizophrenic/psychotic. Why have I suddenly become like this? I can’t enjoy anything anymore without getting these awful awful thoughts. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

I need someone's thoughts on this I've been starting to question everything and all the things I've done, I've never liked any girls despite being in a girls class for years, but because if hocd I've starting to think about things I've done or thought that are not normal for a straight person, when I was little I used to enjoy watching videos of people making out and I kind of felt aroused when the guy touched some parts of the girl, sometimes i stumbled upon some videos of girls kissing and I remember I felt aroused by that too,then I stopped but growing up I tried to watch porn despite the fact that I'm rarely horny and straight porn just didn't do it for me, then I stumbled in lesbian porn and I actually enjoyed it and would get around by it,but I never questioned my sexuality because I knew that it was quite common for straight girls to watch lesbian porn but the thing is that sometimes I've wanted to do the same things that girls did in those videos,not essentially making sex with them or being touched by them but touch certain parts of some girls(not a lot just the ones I found extremely attractive)and this thought aroused me. Since hocd hit I've been rethinking everything and this thing in particular has stuck with me. Idk really I feel so hopeless because I mean for someone it could not be a big deal being not straight but for me it literally is because my entire identity would be destroyed and I would not be able to play those kind of games cause I would not enjoy them or I won't be able to watch any straight romance movie anymore or I could not fangirl with my friends about some hot singers or actors or even fictional characters and my dream since I was a child of being married with a man and having a beautiful family with children would be destroyed. So right now I would like someone's thoughts on this,like I don't want reassurance I just want to know what someone thinks about this,like do you think I'm not straight in reality?

Early morning havnt slept and ocd hasn't stopped for days I just want to be able to breath it's so debilitating in every way and I just feel the ocd thoughts start to pop ideas in my head and the things it comes up with like the worries are not just thoughts they are fully formed situations and very specific when I haven't even thought about it before it's like it forms this whole thing in my head subconsciously and then before I know it I'm chillin and then I'm just 50 ft under water drowning because it just throws a whole spacific situation at me that I never even thought of this effects me in every way possible and I just lay here misrible all day having seizer after seizer from stress being suicidal and just suffocating and so much more I just dread every moment I'm awake because the moment I am counsious it starts ugh it's every moment of my day just suffering so yeah really not looking forward to waking up 10 years of this and I'm exhausted the only relief I get is switching to another theme like i just wamma get pregnant so i csn obsess over that instead of what i am rn ot effects everyone around me and im just so miserable

Hi I’m new to the group here and I look forward to getting into therapy here as I believe this is OCD again cuz I can’t stop obsessing & thinking the same thing over and over again. Let me back up a bit cuz I have been having these horrible thoughts & feelings for over a month now. So Since my dog has died at the end of October I’ve been having horrible feelings that I’m going to die at the end of the year… I’m so scared and worried. I feel like I have so much to accomplish and do in life, but my brains telling me I’ll be dead by for sure by the end of this year, like i don’t want to die. Like is this OCD or something else? I want to hear if any of you guys have suffered with something similar. I don’t want to die now! I have never had obsessive thoughts about this before so it feels so real and scary. But I’m so anxious constantly, I have barely eaten much, and just feeling so disturbed by my thoughts I can’t focus or do anything it feels! 😞 So obviously I made it past the last two nights cuz I have been having consistent thoughts thinking I was going to die by Friday the 15th, but here I am still alive!… but last night I really screwed myself when I gave into searching up more of “why am I still thinking I’m going to die, etc etc” I went to Qurora where people put there thoughts & opinions on a certain question. A certain word really stuck with me and I searched it up, it was “premonition” I started researching what is the difference between horrible anxiety & premonition and I started reading articles… since last night it’s been freaking me out!!! Like what if this is a true premonition feeling compared to me just having anxiety? 😥 There was some people who posted in the comments on quora saying “I knew something bad was going to happen, etc etc and it did, or I had a feeling my dad was going to die and a few months later he did, etc etc…”. I’m constantly thinking I’m gonna die for sure now… it’s gut wrenching to think this. I know we all die but I don’t want to die now. It wouldn’t make sense for me to die now, I have a little 3 year old boy I wanna be here for the rest of my life! I’m a single mom, I don’t want him to be without any parents. Ugh I’m so sad, anxious, on edge I can’t function. I can’t stop crying sometimes. I have therapy this week but it’s gotten so bad where now I feel like I CANT distinguish the difference between a gut feeling and just my thoughts as intrusive/OCD. Can anyone of you really relate to this?? I just wanna feel at peace again with myself…. And I certainly don’t wanna die young. 😭 But also my thoughts have switched up on me like “well you lived past this Friday, but you’re for sure gonna die in the next few weeks etc etc.” like a gut thought. There’s moments I feel like I need to go to a mental hospital cuz idk anymore…

I feel like I’m a bad person

i read some things about ocd and the different types of it and symptoms and I can honestly relate to them (im not trying to diagnose myself with ocd but I think I have a type of ocd) lemme explain: so like this been happening since the summer. me and my best friend did something sexually together and me and her afterwards wasn’t okay after that and she told me how she felt afterwards and after that I felt totally disgusted and sick about myself and that’s when all the intrusive thoughts started. I keep having the urge to kill myself everyday I keep thinking about death and it’s getting to the point that I can’t eat because after I eat something I immediately think I’m gonna die because I ate something. When I’m at school or in public I have bad anxiety and thoughts about me dying. And after the situation happened with my friend (I’m Christian) I just feel like God is so disappointed in me because what I did. Nobody knows this situation. Nobody knows what’s REALLY going on with me. Im trying to stay strong but it’s getting really hard to im at my breaking point the thoughts are getting worse and worse everyday I wake up with these intrusive intense thoughts. I want help. But idk how to help myself. I try to go to my mom for help she doesn’t understand me nobody understands but me.

I fear I’ve reached the end of my road. I’m scared. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live. I’ve struggled with depression for years I’m 27. I can’t see away forward. OCD has consumed me. It sounds nice to not suffer anymore.

It ruins every single day I don't feel like I'm self I have no self worth left I'm a constant mess I'm constantly panicking I can't do this anymore everything triggers me every single day is something new iv been struggling with this for ten years every single day is hell I haven't even eaten in days bearly I spend days obsession and my partner has to help me and it's putting strain on our relationship I can't even express how low I am and how I can't do this anymore I'm constantly having. Seizers from stress I ocd In my sleep it's constant hell everything triggers me I can't do anything without conpoltions I'm constantly in fight or flight and frozen in fear every single day I can't do this anymore

It’s so hard to not seek reassurance and to not engage in mental compulsions and rituals. You will feel safe and reassured, and then the vicious OCD cycle returns coming back with “evidence” and putting memories on loop. The reassurance you did feels useless and it feels like you’re against a monster that keeps asking what if’s, how about’s, and you will’s. I miss who I was a week ago, being able to go to clubs, on vacation, hang out with friends, go on walks, watch movies and listen to music. I was a college radio DJ and would listen to hours of music and now it’s triggering. I was looking at my screen activity and noticed I started using NOCD again on Wednesday, I miss who I was on Monday and Tuesday. But it’s been comforting to know I’m not the only one experiencing this. I know ERP is scary, OCD will have you thinking you’re a special case or that this flare is different, it’s a mental hell. It’s comforting knowing I’m not alone, my family is supporting me and they’re going to help me get enrolled to get insurance and start ERP with NOCD and start sertraline again. It just feels scary, what if this time is real, what if this time it’s not OCD. Of course it’s OCD, but OCD has no logic and will latch on. Sending everyone strength and courage. Don’t give up! We got this!

I feel like something that pulls me back into the ocd cycle is the fear that I won’t ever feel like my normal self again. That every single thing I go through since OCD ruined my life will be tainted by OCD. I have been in therapy for six months now and days like today I feel hopeless that I will never get better coz it’s been too many months now and it still has a hold on me. Does anyone feel the same way?

I was watching a video about mental health and self hatred was mentioned and as i was listening it, i started feel anxious and then i was like "i hate myself its so bad" and i started to feel depressed. This happened in the past alot of times and with different topics too, but now i was more aware and i could notice, this isnt true. If i would go to therapy and i would tell that i feel depressed cause i hate myself, we would work on loving myself, but now i was aware that its not that the problem. I felt really sad, cause i believed the thought that i hate myself, when i dont, i just struggle a bit now and i cant feel that big loving feeling towards myself as in normal days, and i interpreted that as i hate myself, so i started feeling sad about it. Is this part of ocd? Alot of times it happened that i had a really strong thought like this, i had like "youre depressed, youre a narcisisst, youre suicidal or i was suicidal in the past" and i believed these thoughts, expecially when the feeling of sadness came with them, it was hard to not believe them.

Is it worth being here if I’m so unhappy and struggling with my self and everything in my life? When I’m this hateful scum? I just feel awful and wish I didn’t have to put up with this, or myself. I’m sorry

So I’ve been having OCD therapy for 7 weeks now and the exposures have not made me anxious whatsoever therefore it’s not really working. I think I entered my therapy when my OCD was kind of in the back of my mind but still there and I found myself pretending it was still bad like it used to be because I was worried she wouldn’t understand me otherwise. I was so sure it was OCD, not any sort of gender identity dysphoria, but now I cannot even be sure. The thoughts aren’t so loud but they’re still there and they come with feelings. Everything “female” feels really against my own personality now and I genuinely feel as if I am in denial. I feel like this is how typically all trans people feel. I still kind of obsessively stalk trans men online but with no objective in mind, I just consume their content.. I was sure that I DONT want to be trans bc my thoughts about gender started really really suddenly and I was so anxious that I barely ate or slept and I couldn’t think about anything else. But now that I’ve had this theme for so long I feel like I have enough proof to prove that I am actually trans. I was quite happy before this and had a strong sense of identity. But I can’t feel at home anywhere now and I’m just so confused. I don’t even have the same anxiety anymore but I get uneasy feelings. I’ve even started to compare myself to other trans men, convinced I am like them, and sometimes ways I could “come out” pop into my brain and I think about it. I can’t tell if those are intrusive thoughts or actually me planning it. I don’t know what to wear anymore because I’m not a feminine girl but wearing my extravagant androgynous clothes makes me feel really uneasy. Ever since this OCD has started I’ve been forcing myself to think of myself as a woman in excessive ways. I never really gendered myself before this but now in conversation I’ll refer to myself in a feminine way more than before because I’m afraid everyone else thinks I’m trans and in denial or something and I want to prove to them that I am a girl. All the thoughts and even actual FEELINGS I have about gender I push straight out of my brain and ignore them in a way that a trans person in denial would. I’ve stopped caring about my body and even touching my female parts is mentally painful and I try not to look at myself much. I have never ever actively desired a penis or a deep voice in my life, but I have desired to look more androgynous and to have a more “boyish” intonation when I speak (like some girls have a cool tomboyish voice that has more masculine intonations and way of speaking).. and I’m worried those things were the BEGINNING of me wanting to be a man, like I progress from there in wanting more and more masculine qualities. I always compare myself to one of my girl friends who was an androgynous girl like me but she suddenly started being hyper feminine. We are very similar but I find myself kind of forcing femininity on myself when I’m around her. I feel like a man compared to my girl friends, and something that worries me is that I’ve ALWAYS felt tall around them even though I’m shorter than most of them and the same height as the shortest. I think this was my mind subconsciously perceiving me as manlier as them or something. I just feel so empty and I don’t know who tf I am. I can’t even be sure that I don’t wanna be trans, like yeah it makes me uncomfortable but being cis is making me uncomfortable too. I feel like I’m denying the obvious but I could never ever bring myself to accept myself as trans, I don’t even know how people do that because I could NEVER. I feel like I have internalised transphobia. I kind of know I had OCD bc of the nature of the thoughts and my compulsions and the fact it started so suddenly and I have always had OCD, but I feel like despite my fear of being trans I turned out that way anyway.

Haven’t posted on here for like 3 months. my OCD is confusing, I’ve been on Zoloft, took 2 pills of 50mg. & still nothing has changed. now they’re asking for me to specify my thoughts & how I feel. But, is it crazy that my intrusive thoughts are so hard to think of even though ik exactly what I need to avoid bc then I’ll think of what I don’t wanna think of? like I feel extreme depersonalization. Every. Single. Day. Vision gets blurry outta nowhere, little dizzy, red eyes ( sometimes brown ? ), rashes on my legs, tension on my head like if it was so full of thoughts. If I had to explain the pain I’d say it just feels like my thoughts were yelling. I’m so scared that no pill will help my ocd ?? like idk what to do. I’m constantly asking myself is this even real, is around me real? idk. .. at the beginning, I only had just intrusive thoughts.. but time went by & now I feel like I have more depersonalization than OCD it’s self. makes sense ? any of you relate ?

tw: csa A therapist that actually cares. A therapist that’s good at their job. A therapist that understands. I have nobody else to turn to in my life to talk about things I’ve been through I feel like I don’t even know who I am because I have hardly had any real life experiences and my mom is always casting her evil judgements onto me. She once told me, “your father was a pervert who wanted you and then abandoned you.” Y’all I’m so heartbroken. I have 0 friends. I have always been the girl that nobody likes or cares about. I’m so tired man. I know this is so personal but I’m so tired of holding it all in and I’m terrified of becoming a bad person because I was raised by bad people. My OCD is so bad and I’m not getting any real love or support. I feel so unseen and unheard.

My OCD is trying to convince me I'm the worst person ever and I've thought and done all these disgusting things; and most of the time I can kind of blow it off, and tell myself it's just OCD. But lately everytime I go on social media I see angry videos and posts about "these people are the worst!" or "if you've ever done this you're disgusting!", and it makes me spiral. It's like I start obsessing about "oh no! Have I done that? Have I acted how that person did?? What if I wanted to? Should I be canceled?" I know, I know... limit my social media time; but without social media it's hard to stay informed and it feels more isolating. I just wish people were more compassionate. I get that there are bad people out there who feel no remorse for things they've done. And when people are online and posting everything spur of the moment things can get heated (especially when everyone is anonymous), but I already have my brain trying to paint me in the worst light and make me not leave the house; I don't need my constant anxiety about morality and being canceled reinforced by the entire internet. Is everything problematic? Is it possible to be a good person anymore? Will I ever feel okay again? Has anyone else gone through this?

Whenever my mom thinks I’m trying to argue on purpose, that makes me think “what if I am?” “What if I’m just a baby who can’t take what she said”. I feel scared. I just disagreed with her when she told me not to wash my clothes with my work clothes because they’ll smell bad and I disagreed because she’s never said a word about this for years but two years before she told me not to wash them separately because that’s wasting electricity. So, her shutting me down by saying “don’t argue with me” makes no sense to me but at the same I feel like “does this make sense though? What if I’m just an asshole to her?” Then before she got irritated with me when I was about to throw away expired lemonade but she was the one who yelled at me by saying “if you’re not having it just throw it away!” Like I honestly don’t know what she wants me to do anymore!!!!! Sometimes when changes their mind or something, I keep feeling like “what if I’m schizophrenic and I just thought that had happened” or “what if I’m crazy” or “why am I upset by this? What if they didn’t change their mind and I’m just thinking something else” My parents getting irritated with me makes me feel like I’ve done so much wrong and I end up losing my motivation but that makes me feel even more gross because I’m not bothering to wash the dishes now..