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I feel like I’ve lost myself completely. I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore. This disorder is making me feel like I’ve lost everything.

So, everytime I have a spike, I have the exact same pattern: panic attack, followed by DPDR feelings, followed by depression and then it goes into a loop of anxiety, DPDR, and depression. I've had DR feelings ranging from "what if everyone else is fake? What if it's all a dream? Or a hallucination? How do I know if my thoughts are my own? What even is autopilot if I'm on autopilot? Are good and evil made up concepts? What is our inner voice? How can we see things in our memories?" Now my mind has decided to try this on for size: "what if I'm making everything up? People and all? What if the things I read in articles or even on here are things I've made up just to reassure myself?" Even typing this out is causing cold sweats, so I know it's just my OCD and anxiety, but OCD persists telling me that it's not. I'm exhausted. I'm worried if someone replies "I've felt this before" I'll be like "of course you have because I'm making this all up." And that freaks me out. It all does. I'm so upset.

I couldnt celebrate this Christmas fully, i wanted to really be thankful that Jesus came to this world to save us, yet i found myself questioning what was the purpose of that, cause i didnt know why, i started questioning whats the reason of all of this, why God made us if He knew that we will betray Him, why we have to suffer because of Adam and i felt angry because its unfair. I still didnt found the answer to this yet now i realized what can be behind this. Maybe its not that and after i deal with this feeling that its not fair we are here cause of Adam and Eve will still be here. But i know the problem is that i feel shame that its the part of me that i can betray God. That its in me to think that i can be better than God. We christians just normally say that we are sinful creatures and bad people but this just makes me have a really bad relationship with myself. When i try to understand something i always feel like im trying to be in Gods place, like im trying to be like Him. And this "we are bad and sinful" just makes me feel bad and i want to say its not true but thats the truth. And yeah Jesus died for us but that still makes me feel bad that im sinful, and then im angry cause i didnt choose this, noone did, i didnt choose to eat that fruit from the three... its just makes me feel that its unfair. I dont really understand the story of Adam and Eve.

Does anyone here struggle with faith? How do you manage it?

is this existential ocd? so basically i’ve had rlly bad moral ocd for a couple of months, and before that i had horrible health and harm related physical compulsions so bad i couldn’t sleep bc i couldn’t sleep in a certain position or i thought smth bad would happen to me. and i always had bad intrusive thoughts but nothing that haunted me as much as this. So my morals are rlly important to me and i consider myself a good person. But one intrusive thought said “since life is meaningless morals don’t exist they are just a made up concept.” I had severe panic attacks because of this and i felt like a horrible person. I couldn’t sleep and worry was on me constantly. I did mental compulsions like repeating, rumination, and some physical compulsions too. I also am doing a lot of avoidance bc this triggers me sm. I’m kinda worried i’ll start believing this even though logically ik it’s nonsense bc ofc morality exists but omf am i worried. i’m trying to not do any compulsions but pls anyone with advice?

I've been thinking about gender for the past 4 hours trying to define things and understand things and it has me going in circles. I'm afraid of being bigoted and hurting people's feelings. I'm afraid of turning into a horrible person just because all this gender stuff is complicated right now. Man and Woman have sort of lost their meaning but they also mean something to every individual and I can't describe it no matter how hard I try. I'd be relieved if we all ditched the binary terms but trans people still use man and woman and it gets really confusing because I don't know what that means to them and what it should mean to me, but I understand that gender is a spectrum and that it all doesn't matter but it does matter and I'm so confused. These two words floating around my head driving me crazy. I just want to understand things the right way. I still call myself a man, but I can't say that I am one. Nor am I a woman. I call myself non-binary because it's the only term that fits, but I'd like to identify as nothing at all. It helps me feel better seeing through my perspective as I am not a man nor a woman or anything. I understand that for other people it isn't a choice. Other people are women, are men, are non-binary, are both. For me I feel like I choose which to be, like a mask maybe. I am not comfortable in my own body and mind yet, so maybe I choose what to be, instead of just being. It's so much. I fully support trans people and who they identify as, but I cannot stop trying to define words that can't be defined without upsetting someone. I can't see the end of this. Does anyone have any insight? Or is this just one big OCD moment?

I just feel so down, my life has been awful since April , I have no sex drive anymore. I miss how simple this used to be and it hurts so much. I don’t know who I am anymore or what to feel.

So my biological father had a talk with me a couple hours ago. I’ve been trying to process it and honestly it’s not affecting me as much as I thought it would. Anyway so here’s what happened: he told me that I should be careful what I claim. (For context I told my bio parents that I had ocd and possibly schizophrenia due to some signs I’ve noticed) he thinks I’m making this up, to quote this bastard; “I don’t know what game you’re playing…” and he also said that I might’ve been influenced by social media and im attention seeking. In the car he also said that if word got out that I do have a mental illness then no one is going to want to work for me or want me on the road (now I’m not learning how to drive anytime soon, I’m 16 and was supposed to learn this summer because next year I’m going to college) but that’s not the worst of it. It’s the fact that he said I’m causing THEM problems by having mental problems and asking for help. Help that I really need because I have tried to take my life and cut myself a few times now. I’ve also resorted to drinking to numb the pain. But now I’m going to have to tell them that I am in fact fine and have no mental illness because even though I need help, I value my freedom to get away from them than I do getting help. He has told me to go to hell and that he doesn’t care about me multiple times and every time I knew he wasn’t lying when he said he wished this would happen but now there’s no denying it. He never cared and will never care. My bio mother lets this happen and tries to convince he he’s a good guy who does these things because he cares. Someone who cares about me wouldn’t do this. Both of them can go fuck themselves. Thank you for listening to my rant talk 😻🫶‼️

I have been going through a really hard time lately in regard to my existential ocd. Not only that but my health anxiety has been horrible. What I wanted to bring up to see if a conversation could be had was my derealization. I have been having severe random bouts of derealization that are genuinely starting to feel debilitating. The best way I can describe it is I get sick to my stomach when I think about life, being alive, I convince myself im in a dream, that im stuck in a time loop and nothing around me is real and that ive been making up my entire life. With this also comes the intense feeling that everything has already happened before, its like deja vu but almost worse. I will be in moments lately and every single thing feels like it already happened, then that spirals into me believing nothing is real and im stuck in some kind of dream. Everything feels familiar, everything had already happened, sometimes stuff feels so familiar it genuinely will make me start to throw up because im so scared. Can someone please have a discussion with me and just let me know if theyve felt this way, what I should do, and if itll ever get better? Im genuinely convinced life will feel this way forever and im never going to be okay with being alive again and it genuinely makes me feel insane and so terrified. Thank you.

struggling with existensial ocd and what the meaning of life is and alof of whys in my mind right now! makes it so hard to focus and gives me really bad anxiety. any tips on how to recover from this? thankyou!

( I can’t tell if this is triggering or not so just in case I will be mentioning antidepressants) Recently Camhs have decided it was best for me to go off of sertraline and I was on maximum dose to switch to a different medication as sertraline was not helping. I recently however decided that I didn’t really want to live on medication for the rest of my life and didn’t want to have to deal w all the side effects again. Now I’m medication free (well I will 100% be in a few days I’m on my last dose before being completely taken off) but my anxiety is through the roof, my ocd has taken an awful turn, and my brain is so immensely foggy not to mention I’ve been suffering from derealisation. Has anyone been taken off of sertraline before? I really just wanna know how long will these symptoms last because it’s really very tiring I’ve been on sertraline for two years so it was expected but damn this is quite scary!!

I feel so alone like no one understands me at the moment Ive prayed to God and i believe im doing a decent job in maintaining a relationship with him but i feel so hopeless, and alone. The heart ache i feel is immeasurable .

Hi everyone, I am writing this firstly to get it off my chest as I don't have anyone else to talk to. Secondly, if anyone has any advice, it is most welcome. Anyways, here I go... Been battling OCD for quite a while now. Its worse was during the pandemic of COVID-19. I somehow got through it, then the war in Ukraine started. And now Israeli-Hamas war. I am absolutely drained and tired from it all as I live in a country which is at risk of war itself. And before anyone says anything, I am very thankful for what I have and I'm lucky not te be a part of the aforementioned conflicts. However, anxiety can't be helped and it skyrockets every single day. During this time I managed to get kicked out of Uni, my gf left me as I was "beyond repair", lost my job (thankful that I found another) and other minor inconveniences. Where I am right now? Doing my Masters but not very successfully, barely making ends meet. And I am, honestly scared to say it but I see no point in living like this. I'm scared that there is no hope, that I have no future and that my life is in the most basic of terms, at its end. I don't know what to do to be frank.

To start off, yes I have a therapist, yes I have a psychiatrist and so far I am only diagnosed with ptsd, ocd, gad, hypochondriasis, and panic disorder. So for the past 5 months I’ve been dealing with a terrible ocd/hypochondria theme where I have COMPLETELY convinced myself I am in the beginning stages of schizophrenia or some other related horrific psychotic disorder. Ive read way too much on common delusions, symptoms, hallucinations, personal stories, Reddit stories etc. Anyway, for some reason my ocd has really latched on to the common symptom schizophrenics have which are religious delusions, at least I hope it’s just my ocd and not actually schizophrenia. Everyday I get these terrible existential/demonic “delusional thoughts”. Like “what if my wife is a demon” “what if my cat is a demon” “this song has demonic energy” “the face that person made was demonic” “this house has negative demonic energy” “what if you are possessed” “what if these ugly brown mushrooms growing in your yard are a sign of demonic energy”, shit like that. Literally everything I look at now has some sort of “negative energy” or feels eerie or “demonic”, everything I look at always has to have some sort of malicious intent or negative undertone, I can’t watch anything on YouTube anymore, I can’t listen to my favorite bands anymore like Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden etc, these thoughts have made me become so avoidant of dark things and even normal light hearted things! Now first off, I am a literal atheist, I am a complete skeptic, I have never ever been superstitious. I was a huge Marilyn Manson fan in my teens, I’m a horror movie junkie( or at least I used to be before this theme took over), i literally have shirts with pentagrams and upside down crosses etc. why has my ocd suddenly branched off into this religious ocd/delusional thinking? Is this maybe a dp/dr thing too? It literally feels like I am in a horror movie, when I’m really REALLY spiraling and ruminating hard, it feels like I’m in another world filled with pure DREAD and horror.I know for sure that every single one of these thoughts and feelings are untrue and very unlikely when I’m not as panicked but when I’m in deep rumination/obsession it seriously makes me question what I believe. I do not believe any of these thoughts at all when I’m calm! Yet the fear they create and the vibes that accompany them make it feel real. When I’m in full blown panic and start to spiral really bad sometimes I feel like I almost believe these thoughts, and feel paranoid almost, when the anxiety and fear passes though I can have a brief moment of clarity where I can laugh these thoughts off and almost be myself again, but it’s very short lived before these thoughts start creeping back up. The content of the thoughts is scaring me but the fact that I’m even having these types of thoughts and fears in the first place is scaring me even more because it is reinforcing my fears that I am becoming schizophrenic/psychotic. Why have I suddenly become like this? I can’t enjoy anything anymore without getting these awful awful thoughts. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

PSA to all the other Christians out there*******anyone struggle with the thoughts, “HOW do you know that the God of the BIBLE is the one true God?” I want to say, “ I know the answer of that question is because He is the ONLY ONE who rose from the dead ? And even tho I don’t FEEL like I know it, or FEEL strong faith, it doesn’t mean I don’t know it” But when I told a Christian friend of mine, she said seems like a faith crisis, not an OCD issue. And because I have that thought, I think that means I don’t know right from wrong, which causes me to spiral, and I get so depressed. I can’t breathe, I’m anxious from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep. My head hurts almost always. I always feel confused and in a daze. I can’t breathe all the time. It’s like a thought that totally undermines everything I thought I knew, so that when I get other REALLY distributing thoughts about doing something evil, I don’t feel like I know if they’re right or wrong because I feel I have no foundation. Does any of this make sense? Someone help me. Make it make sense.

Has anyone on here recovered from POCD and willing to share any helpful tips. I’m sick and tired of worrying about this I just want it to stop. And my therapist says I just need to accept the presence of the thoughts but before I had POCD I don’t remember ever having thoughts/urges/feelings like this. I’m terrified of myself and I don’t trust myself or anything that my brain says. And when people say oh you need to just carry on with your values ? What if my values aren’t even my values ?? I’m not even sure what my values are anymore and who I am as a person. It’s so scary. I feel like I’m actually just a terrible person capable of horrible things. All I wanted since I was young was to be a stay at home mum and have my own family but that’s never going to happen now coz I honestly don’t know what happened to me. I miss my old self so much I grieve her everyday. Idek who I am anymore

To start off, yes I have a therapist, yes I have a psychiatrist and so far I am only diagnosed with ptsd, ocd, gad, hypochondriasis, and panic disorder. So for the past 5 months I’ve been dealing with a terrible ocd/hypochondria theme where I have COMPLETELY convinced myself I am in the beginning stages of schizophrenia or some other related horrific psychotic disorder. Ive read way too much on common delusions, symptoms, hallucinations, personal stories, Reddit stories etc. Anyway, for some reason my ocd has really latched on to the common symptom schizophrenics have which are religious delusions, at least I hope it’s just my ocd and not actually schizophrenia. Everyday I get these terrible existential/demonic “delusional thoughts”. Like “what if my wife is a demon” “what if my cat is a demon” “this song has demonic energy” “the face that person made was demonic” “this house has negative demonic energy” “what if you are possessed” “what if these ugly brown mushrooms growing in your yard are a sign of demonic energy”, shit like that. Literally everything I look at now has some sort of “negative energy” or feels eerie or “demonic”, everything I look at always has to have some sort of malicious intent or negative undertone, I can’t watch anything on YouTube anymore, I can’t listen to my favorite bands anymore like Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden etc, these thoughts have made me become so avoidant of dark things and even normal light hearted things! Now first off, I am a literal atheist, I am a complete skeptic, I have never ever been superstitious. I was a huge Marilyn Manson fan in my teens, I’m a horror movie junkie( or at least I used to be before this theme took over), i literally have shirts with pentagrams and upside down crosses etc. why has my ocd suddenly branched off into this religious ocd/delusional thinking? Is this maybe a dp/dr thing too? It literally feels like I am in a horror movie, when I’m really REALLY spiraling and ruminating hard, it feels like I’m in another world filled with pure DREAD and horror.I know for sure that every single one of these thoughts and feelings are untrue and very unlikely when I’m not as panicked but when I’m in deep rumination/obsession it seriously makes me question what I believe. I do not believe any of these thoughts at all when I’m calm! Yet the fear they create and the vibes that accompany them make it feel real. When I’m in full blown panic and start to spiral really bad sometimes I feel like I almost believe these thoughts, and feel paranoid almost, when the anxiety and fear passes though I can have a brief moment of clarity where I can laugh these thoughts off and almost be myself again, but it’s very short lived before these thoughts start creeping back up. The content of the thoughts is scaring me but the fact that I’m even having these types of thoughts and fears in the first place is scaring me even more because it is reinforcing my fears that I am becoming schizophrenic/psychotic. Why have I suddenly become like this? I can’t enjoy anything anymore without getting these awful awful thoughts. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

Idk if this is OCD, but does anyone have doubts that God is real? I’ve been struggling with this greatly. I was raised in a Lutheran church and have always believed, but since coming to college I feel like I question everything so much deeper (my bf is also agnostic). Any advice on this? My therapist tells me that ‘I don’t need to have it figured out” but my brain wants to know FOR SURE that there is an afterlife. Like, does praying work? These are the questions I’ve been asking myself.

Is anyone truly 100% straight or gay? I identify as straight but then i get caught up in if anyone is 100% one way or the other, and if they are I feel bad because idk if i’m 100% straight

To start off, yes I have a therapist, yes I have a psychiatrist and so far I am only diagnosed with ptsd, ocd, gad, hypochondriasis, and panic disorder. So for the past 5 months I’ve been dealing with a terrible ocd/hypochondria theme where I have COMPLETELY convinced myself I am in the beginning stages of schizophrenia or some other related horrific psychotic disorder. Ive read way too much on common delusions, symptoms, hallucinations, personal stories, Reddit stories etc. Anyway, for some reason my ocd has really latched on to the common symptom schizophrenics have which are religious delusions, at least I hope it’s just my ocd and not actually schizophrenia. Everyday I get these terrible existential/demonic “delusional thoughts”. Like “what if my wife is a demon” “what if my cat is a demon” “this song has demonic energy” “the face that person made was demonic” “this house has negative demonic energy” “what if you are possessed” “what if these ugly brown mushrooms growing in your yard are a sign of demonic energy”, shit like that. Literally everything I look at now has some sort of “negative energy” or feels eerie or “demonic”, everything I look at always has to have some sort of malicious intent or negative undertone, I can’t watch anything on YouTube anymore, I can’t listen to my favorite bands anymore like Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden etc, these thoughts have made me become so avoidant of dark things and even normal light hearted things! Now first off, I am a literal atheist, I am a complete skeptic, I have never ever been superstitious. I was a huge Marilyn Manson fan in my teens, I’m a horror movie junkie( or at least I used to be before this theme took over), i literally have shirts with pentagrams and upside down crosses etc. why has my ocd suddenly branched off into this religious ocd/delusional thinking? Is this maybe a dp/dr thing too? It literally feels like I am in a horror movie, when I’m really REALLY spiraling and ruminating hard, it feels like I’m in another world filled with pure DREAD and horror.I know for sure that every single one of these thoughts and feelings are untrue and very unlikely. I do not believe any of these thoughts at all, yet the fear they create and the vibes that accompany them make it feel almost real. When I’m in full blown panic and start to spiral really bad sometimes I feel like I almost believe these thoughts, and feel paranoid almost, when the anxiety and fear passes though I can have a brief moment of clarity where I can laugh these thoughts off and almost be myself again, but it’s very short lived before these thoughts start creeping back up. The content of the thoughts is scaring me but the fact that I’m even having these types of thoughts and fears in the first place is scaring me even more because it is reinforcing my fears that I am becoming schizophrenic/psychotic. Why have I suddenly become like this? I can’t enjoy anything anymore without getting these awful awful thoughts. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?