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Has anyone else ever had harm ocd to the point of where you having thoughts about killing someone to get something? It freaked me out.

So I had a session today just to express how I’ve been feeling the past few days and my therapist told me I’m relapsing. I had a major panic attack after seeing one of my biggest triggers today but I was still some how able to manage what needed to get done. I’m so defeated and depressed at the moment. The harm thoughts are so horrible right now, I feel like I am back at square one. I’m back to not eating and just wanting to stay in bed. Anybody with harm ocd that has relapsed have any tips or guidance? I feel like I’m drowning again. 😭😭

TW for mental health issues, death, ptsd, ED i guess ill just start off by saying that i have struggled since i was young with severe anxiety and panic attacks since i was about five but an onslaught of CPTSD worsened a lot of things for me. i developed an eating disorder in my teens and was hospitalized for it. i’ve been in and out of therapy since i was ten and while i do my best without medication to live my life to the fullest, i often feel like i don’t deserve the successes and support i’ve received in the last few years b/c i feel like i don’t deserve to be happy at all. i saw a video recently of a girl talking about her obsessive hypochondriac thoughts that i resonated with and when i read the comments, a lot of people pointed out that it might be ocd. it hasn’t ever been a thought that crossed my mind and now im wondering if im twisting that video into some sort of self diagnosis for myself. im wondering if it’s just my high anxiety that’s causing these severely intrusive thoughts. for example, i have had a really hard time sleeping recently because the thought that i or my partner might die in my sleep keeps me up. if i have an aneurysm or a heart attack in the middle of the night and die, or worse, if my partner has an aneurysm or heart attack, is it because i don’t deserve to be happy with him? i don’t deserve a wonderful relationship? another thought i have is when i drive with us both in the car, im going to crash and severely injure both of us or kill us both. i have never once crashed my car or gotten into an accident btw, but for some reason i just get this extremely morbid thought that im going to crash and it’ll be the end. i had a weirdly spiritual experience/revelation in 2020/21 about the multiverse and i keep thinking that every night i actually die or that i get into accidents or something morbid happens and im somehow timeline jumping and going to a different multiverse and that’s been my odd way of coping with these thoughts. i guess im just trying to figure out if this is even remotely similar to OCD or if im just over analyzing it bc of my anxiety/hypochondria i guess?? i dont know i just want help. if this isn’t OCD, please tell me and i will delete this post and app and ill sincerely apologize to everyone who actually suffers. 🙏

Hey all, I was recently diagnosed with OCD and MDD a few months ago. I’ve been experiencing symptoms for the past 11 months though. I used to be a person who would downplay depression, reasoning that if someone is depressed, they should be able to snap out of it. This year has taught me the truth behind how debilitating mental health conditions can be. My OCD has been absolutely tearing my life apart. For the past year, I’ve been coping with excessive guilt over past and recurring mistakes, my anxiety of which has recently been causing me panic attacks and throbbing headaches. I’ve also been coping with feeling unnatural sexual attractions, to those of the same sex and to children, which contradict the values I hold at heart. At one point, even simply shaking someone’s hand would cause sexual arousal, due to my hyper-vigilance surrounding physical contact. My OCD and depression nearly led me to take my life a few months ago. There are no words to describe the amount of pain I’ve had to endure. My thoughts and feelings have been absolutely tearing my life down, bit by bit. I feel like I lost who I was, and like it’s impossible for me to know who I am. This isn’t me. Over the past couple weeks, I’ve been feeling constant sexual arousal, it’s so easily triggered now. I don’t know if it’s because of the OCD, if it’s a result of the SSRI I’m on, or if it’s just a product of me being a young adult—Or maybe a combination of all of the above, but it’s debilitating. How easily I get aroused causes me so much guilt. There is a girl in my life that I love, but it doesn’t help that I get aroused around her because of the simplest of things. It’s not what I want for us. I want to be able to hone in on my self-control. I can’t help but constantly compare who I am now to who I was just over a year ago. My happiness has suffered, and my endurance is draining. I know there is a long road of insight and recovery ahead of me, this is just the beginning. If there’s anyone who can relate to me in any way, feel free to let me know. Comfort begins with feeling understood.

Theres so many effed up things i’ve done or said in the past which still bother me to this day. One day i’ll have one obsession, like ROCD over being scared i’m cheating on my partner, then another day i’ll have POCD because of a past experience with an underaged friend, and im just so burnt out from all the thoughts and overthinking. I feel like the most horrible person each and every single day, a constant urge to confess, a constant feeling like im a traitor, and then thinking im just using OCD as an excuse for everything. Im so SICK OF IT ALL. I can’t catch a break. There’s too much going on in my head, like this constant rumination and analysis and then compulsions to search up these obsessions. However searching up things relating to it is probably the most harmful and worst mistake for me, because then I see stories of allegations e.g like dream being exposed for grooming a minor and people exposing others for other vile acts and it just triggers me so much, because it feels like I BELONG on there but never in my life would i actually want to do such things, and if everyone knew what i did then i feel like everyone would agree i quite literally deserved to be burned at the stake. Should i just get a therapist at this point or can i get through this myself with the use of some mental gymnastics like i’ve been doing the entire time? I feel too much guilt, it’s eating me up alive.

Okay so i’ve had harmful thoughts about my boyfriend for some time now and i know that i don’t want to hurt him in any way but when i get an intrusive thought sometimes, it seems like im happy. i know that im not and when this happens i get so anxious and want to throw up because wtf i don’t want to hurt anyone. does anyone else experience this?

Every time i seem to get a hold of one thing my ocd is doing to me it comes back up in different ways and im so tired of it. I can’t keep living like this and i really feel so tired and done. First it was harm/suicide fixations and actions then it was intense sound sensitivity then it was touch sensitivity and now i’ve got a grip on all of those after MONTHS and now my depression has stemmed from my ocd and im ready to lose my mind or whatever is left of it. i just want to die bc its literally the only end all of this game. im exhausted.

Hi all. Kinda freaking out here. It’s the girl with the dog here again. It’s 5:30 in the morning here and I am legit in a freak out. This is going to be long so please bear with me. My intrusive thoughts about my dog have gotten so bad even with ERP, I can barely function. I am constantly seeing in my mind her being chopped into pieces. Over and over again. And it’s like I suddenly become aware of different body parts that I’m seeing in this images, so if I am around her, I become aware that she has them, and it makes me feel like I’m so freaked out I’ll do something to her because I’m freaked out by them. It’s usually her neck, or her internal parts, etc. I get near her, get reminded, and all these images start coming and it feels like I’m being pulled/will do these things. All day every day. Not to mention the fact, that I consciously think of the thoughts and sometimes still feel like I’d do them. It feels like I’m actually considering doing these horrific things. And I have different feelings that go with them - physical sensations, urges, etc. It puts her in every horrible violent situation and makes me feel like I’d actually do these things to her (i.e - see her being pulled apart - I get a weird feeling in my chest with these thoughts that feels like I’d actually kind of black out and do them or be okay with it; almost like a sense of dropping calm thought my body?!). I ate meat today and it made me think of someone doing that to her - and made me feel like I would - and would be okay with it. Sometimes I get these waves of this feeling that it would be no big deal or I wouldn’t care. Frankly, I’m freaking out. I feel like I will actually end up acting on these thoughts. The longer this goes on the more I feel like that. I also feel like I don’t care about her anymore and that scares the living shit out of me because then I feel like I don’t value her and that it wouldn’t bother me to act on them. I have loved this dog for 8 freaking years. What the hell is wrong with me?!!! I feel like my thoughts about her are SO much more violent and the rest of it is just so off - I then start scouring the internet for stories of people with harm ocd, and instead found a story of a guy who went into psychosis and killed his pet. Which of course makes me feel like with everything I’m seeing and already feeling…let’s just say it didn’t help. Am I a lost cause??! Is my dog unsafe with me? I feel like she is. I don’t sleep anymore because of these thoughts so I’m literally up all night watching tv because I’m so scared and convinced that I will do these things. I don’t understand what happened.

I was diagnosed with harm OCD 1 year ago, it all started with a clear image of me killing my ex girdriend with a knife and it rapidly evolved to seeing imagens of myself killing random people etc I was doing therapy with a psychologist and a psychiatrist and taking sertraline but then i had some changes in my life and I stopped the therapy and the medication I was getting better, but last week I had a car crush it all started again, I think all the time about killing People, I allways have that strange sensation on my belly and on my back like an adrenaline rush or something when I have this e thoughts. I cry a lot when alone, I think about killing myself, I think in good moments and I feel bad about it, anxious etc. I don’t know what to do, I’m affraid to be alone. It’s crazy. I’m affraid of really being a serial killer or a psychopath or some pedofile IDK it is just crazy. I somebody experiencing the same ?

im crying hard right now im so scared. i haven’t cried like this or really at all since the thoughts started happening… im so scared im gonna act on them. i just want it all to stop..

Please send positive energy. Our son has been struggling for quite some time. He’s done in-patient, PHP & IOP as well as meds and doing ERP for about 5 months. Fighting very hard to resist compulsions but still falters, which is to be expected, but those days are horrible for all of us, as the confessions and reassurance seeking is constant. The intrusive thoughts are there all day, every day, torturing him. Please tell us your success stories so we can remain hopeful. Thank you & much love to all💕

I’ve been dealing with this harm theme for almost four months now, and well obviously life hasn’t been the best for me, the thoughts really circulate on hurting others, why couldn’t they just been about me instead? (I apologize to those currently suffering from self harm ocd) it’s gotten to the point where I don’t know if my thoughts are really intrusive now, and it doesn’t help that I get urges to act on these thoughts. Why have I been cursed with such vile thoughts why me why now. The only good news so far is that I’m finally going to see if this is ocd or not and get diagnosed by a psychiatrist once I start college here in a few weeks(Thank gatos for my college has mental health resources) but honestly it just doesn’t really feel like ocd. I don’t know if I feel anxiety because it’s not the typical anxiety I feel. While my compulsions are mental it’s just wierd. Like I’m worried that ERP wouldn’t work for me. Sometimes I get thoughts like, how do people live without these thoughts? And how do they occupy their time? I know I used to be like other people, yk where I wasn’t worried or concerned because of these thoughts, like yeah I’ve had intrusive thoughts before in the past and they absolutely scared me, but I was just able to get over them. So why now does it feel like i can’t shake them off? Why do they have to show up everyday? And why have I become so apathetic? Like my empathy and sympathy feel like they’ve disappeared? And it’s so bad that sometimes I feel like if someone close to me just passed away I would feel nothing. Like when I heard my abuelo had skin cancer I just felt nothing and I was obsessing over the fact that I didn’t. Has anyone ever felt this way? Is it just ocd or something worse?

about a month ago i experienced an intrusive thoight about becoming a murderer and it completely shocked me i panicked and began searching things up and came across intrusive thoughts and ever since discovering them i have them all the time and they are on my mind 24/7 i’m paranoid that i’m going to become a murderer and revently i’ve been afriad that it’s not ocd and it’s just who i am and what i have become and i’m a physco i live with a constant guilt tjay i am looking at people the wrong way and my mind is convincing me i’m evil but i would never hurt anyone but even typing this my mind is telling me i’m lying i have such a headache, i have had anxiety issues before

the thoughts are only getting stronger😭 im scared im gonna give in… i need help😭

Treatment - ERP Hey so basically I'm just soooo scared to do ERP. I started doing erp with one service and I couldn't cope with our first exposure which was just sitting alone for 20 minutes and accepting intrusive thoughts with no compulsions'. I found this so distressing and hard. I've been moved services and probably will be doing ERP with them but I really don't want to do it. I know it's the gold standard treatment for OCD but it scares me so much knowing I have to do it. I'm scared it will make me way more sick and at this point in my life I cannot afford to be more sick (I'm starting year 13 next month and doing my A-level exams in may) I want to trust that this will work but I'm just very scared. I'm scared that this service will be just as bad as the other one. One of my big fears that we did my hierarchy for with service 1 was around science practicals as that was the only fear that therapist 1. I'm scared that therapist 2 will focus on the same scenario (which is a scenario that I struggle A LOT with) but I can't do that, I'm not sure what my hierarchy will be this time. I can't think of any harm exposures at all but I'm sure she will be able to.

What if the harm ocd never ever goes away and i have to live with this FEELING. like even when im not having an intrusive thought i still have this feeling of the thought. Is this normal LIKE I DO NOT WANT TO ACT ON AN intrusive thought AT ALL but im so full of panic because im having intruisve thoughts like “what if i did” “what if i just do it and dont care” “what if i dont care” “what if it doesn’t matter if i were to act out on the thoughts” Is this normal because im so scared because this feeling in my head and chest im just scared. Anyone who relates how long did u have this for / the feeling/ thoughts. Pls help! Im so scared because sometimes it even comes into existential like “Why does it matter if i did that” Please

Hey guys, I have taken just 1 pill of lexapro yesterday and I cannot sleep a lick. Is this Normal? Obviously not being able to sleep is causing me some anxiety of course. Still struggling to determine whether I am dealing with harm ocd or suicidal thoughts. Hopefully the meds and therapy can help.

Is there a point to living anymore

Hi everyone. I am currently on Luvox after being on Prozac (20-40mg) for the last 5 years. Prozac was no longer working for me so my doctor/therapist and I decided to switch SSRIs. With help from my primary care doctor, I tapered off of Prozac while tapering on to Luvox over the course of a few weeks. I am now off of Prozac and on 150mg of Luvox. I had a couple good weeks where there were more good days than bad, but recently I have felt more depressed, anxious, and in my head on 150mg of Luvox. The anxiety/Harm/Suicidal/Relationship/Pure OCD has been ramping up and it makes me feel a bit hopeless that I won’t get better. The mornings are hard when you feel like it’s just another day suffering through the ups and downs. If anyone can share their ideal Luvox dosage/medicine combo where they finally felt consistent relief from intrusive thoughts and rumination, I would be so appreciative. I know switching medicine and doing ERP is a long process, and I’ve only been in the thick of it for 5 weeks (6/29-8/2), but as I’m sure you can all understand, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel with this disorder. Any positivity, encouragement, advice, coping mechanisms/tools and success stories are appreciated!

Hey! A little about myself my names Jacob, I’m 23 years old, I’ve been a firefighter since I was fresh out of high school and I’ve been dealing with OCD symptoms since around my Senior year of high school. When I was 17 I vividly remember being at home one day and all of a sudden having a full on anxiety attack with no trigger whatsoever. From then on it developed into me having no idea what was going on for weeks-months until I was able to do the right research and figured out I was dealing with OCD, more specifically Pure OCD. It mainly was made up of intrusive thoughts of harming myself or others, for example thinking of crashing my car into oncoming traffic or randomly attacking someone for no reason. It terrified me because the thoughts never reflected my character at all. In fact I’ve never even been in a car accident before thank god and I’ve never been in a fight! As I’ve gotten older and learned how to deal with OCD I was put on to a prescription called Fluvoxamine around the time I was 18-19 and noticed it helped significantly in reducing my intrusive thoughts and when I would have them there would be no anxiety or rumination following them. I’m now 23 and I work a steady job at my local fire station and I absolutely love it. OCD sometimes makes it challenging to go about my day especially when I have “flare ups” which don’t happen all that often but when they do it can be pretty overwhelming. I’m currently going through a flare up that is as challenging as all the other ones and it relates yet again to harm OCD. One thing I’ve been able to do very successfully is being able to recognize when it is a problem and I’m able to rely on my mom to sit and chat with me about what’s going on and help get everything off my chest. Flare ups usually only last a few weeks maybe a couple months usually, sometimes getting better and sometimes getting worse but I always remember im able to get through it and this too shall pass cause I’ve done it before and I will always continue to do it again. One thing I’ve been researching recently is Ketamine therapy for OCD/anxiety and was curious if anyone had any input on the idea of it. I’ve read some good things and some bad and would like to know too if anyone has tried it for themselves. Thank you if you took the time to read this😁