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i know i’m spamming on here and i want to die i don’t wanna be a boy it feels like i have to be i can’t keep living like this. i don’t feel like my anymore its true 😭😭

tw: su1cide. i feel so bad that i could easily choose death if it were painless. i'm a little afraid of dying, of stopping breathing.. life has no meaning for me for a while now, i feel apathy and a strong discouragement. now, with this problem, i really see myself as a despicable human being and impossible to "get it right". i feel bad about this, because it was a problem that i "hunted" with my own hands. i feel this. i can't stand the doubt, the pain, the thoughts against and the thoughts in favor anymore. it drives me crazy, takes away my peace and my happiness. i didn't have many good feelings before this problem, as far as i can remember..my memory is cloudy and i can't say anything about myself anymore. but i have the desire and the will to be a good person, to be kind, to be normal, to mean something good and to have a positive impact on the lives of the people around me. it seems like i discovered i was a horrible, paraphilic human being.. i am not invalidating the struggle of criminal paraphiliacs who fight against their desires, i am just reinforcing that if i were a person like that, i wouldn't be able to handle it and i wouldn't have the same strength. i hate my body, my appearance, my mind and the way i behave. being born was a big mistake, even though I'm not to blame. i wanted to try something that would take me out of that world, idk..but i still worry about my family members because i will die with them having a good view of me, and that makes me uncomfortable. because i don't feel like a good person. i'm just tired.

i’ve had this theme over and over throughout the years but everytime i spiral i get so scared. I keep asking myself if i think im having ocd if if im being fr. I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.

I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.

The main themes that I struggle with are Real Event and Moral Scrupulously, but when I read posts about other people’s mistakes and real event obsessions, I struggle so hard to relate. The posts usually talk about something that the person did when they were a child, or an action that is morally grey at worst. I’m not saying this to downplay anyone’s struggles, because no matter how “severe” the event is, the emotional pain it causes is all the same. But my events were genuinely very bad. And they happened when I was an adult. I had practically no moral compass and was I incredibly self serving. I’ve been thinking about all of my harmful behaviors and misdeeds almost nonstop for years now. But it feels like a cop out to try and treat this constant rumination like OCD, because my events are so bad that I truly believe this is just the consequences of my actions. I don’t think I’m supposed to feel better. I might not even have OCD. No matter how much I confess and how much I am forgiven, I always feel like I will never be able to do enough to make up for my past. It especially kills me when my girlfriend treats me so well, as she has been the one who has had to endure the most fallout and consequences from my shitty actions. No matter how much I tell her, there is always another detail, another confession lurking just around the corner. It truly feels like nobody actually knows me. I don’t feel like I can be genuinely loved after all I’ve done. I don’t feel human. Normal humans don’t behave the way that I did. Normal humans self reflect and practice empathy. Normal humans can put other people’s feelings above their own selfish desires. I learned how to do this far too late, and now I am stuck inside the body of someone I desperately hate. I’m sorry if this doesn’t really belong here, I just need to scream into the void for a bit :/

**TW for POCD** I know intrusive thoughts can literally be anything but I’ve been dealing with thoughts that feel tied to curiosity, especially about anatomy, and it feels like they’re charged because of the subject matter. I’m not sure if they’re intrusive. For example, I might get a question about prepubescent anatomy or reproductive functions, and it feels like it could be intrusive or at least anxiety-inducing. Usually, I try to handle it by looking up neutral, educational resources like illustrative charts or articles, and that tends to calm the anxiety, and I feel fine. But afterward, I feel lingering guilt, even though I do my best to approach it with a want to learn instead of anxiety. **********TW********** The questions will be something like (these thoughts will pop into my head less formally): How testicles develop from childhood to adulthood? What do they look like before puberty? What does a condition like micropenis look like? (I know this one isn’t POCD related but unfortunately it brought up an image of a baby instead of an adult and triggered me terribly) Are erections something that is possible from birth? Is the vaginal canal fully developed at birth, is it as textured as it is as in adulthood? *********************** I’m unsure if this is part of my OCD, if I’m overanalyzing it, or if it’s something I should manage differently (not look up?). I think there’s a clear place my OCD does attach to and it’s where it tells me that I will look up something harmful or just worse if I looked up these ‘curiosities.’ It also fuels the thoughts that I’m a pervert, though I’ve always been interested in anatomy. It just feels more urgent now and anxiety inducing when it’s about children. I hope that makes sense. I saw a post made by another person on this app who had similar thoughts and I’m leaning towards it being OCD related. Any advice? Thank you in advance :)

I am having a really hard time being home for the holidays. My intrusive thoughts are constant and loud. It sucks too, because my thoughts get triggered when I'm around one of my family members. I just want to distance myself, so I can stop the thoughts and feel like I'm not going to hurt anyone. I'm so distressed and depressed. What do you do to help calm your mind and remind yourself that you are a good person, despite what the thoughts say? I've already meditated, taken my Lexapro, and tried to remind myself that these thoughts want to attack the things I care about the most. Thanks. ❤️

Three days ago, I tried to reassure myself and ended up doing a compulsion by reading online ( it’s been one month I have schizophrenia OCD) I came across information about schizophrenia, which mentioned that people with the condition often hear inner voices constantly. Since then, I've been hearing these voices 24/7, saying negative things to me and even commanding me to do things. I couldn’t help myself but continue reading about it, and when I saw that having these voices 24/7 was a symptom of schizophrenia, I started to worry that this might be happening to me my brain took this opportunity to play this symptom 24/7 to scare me .. I want to clarify that I have health anxiety, specifically OCD with pure O). This all started when I became curious about schizophrenia—I didn’t have much knowledge about it at the time. I read that people with schizophrenia sometimes experience delusional thinking, and for a week, I started having irrational thoughts, like thinking people were spying on me or that my brother was trying to hurt me.Every time I switch between new diseases but this theme lasted a lot Now, the inner voices are relentless, and I can't shake the fear that I might be developing schizophrenia. But deep down, I know this could be a product of my anxiety and OCD, especially since I’m fixating on the symptoms after reading about them. Every time IVe read about new symptoms and it scared me it switched into it but this one last cuz I’m so scared of it my brain tell me that this time it’s serious .. I don’t know what to do my psy is on vacation .. My two uncles are schizo also my brother ( due to drug for him ) and me having panic disorder and social anxiety doesn’t help me …

When I was 16, I was going through a rough patch for sure, I would talk to just about anyone I could. There was this girl who I remember becoming friends with and she was 13 I believe. I don’t remember ever thinking anything of it. I remember talking to her about my ex’s and ranting to her and stuff like that. She would do the same. One day I remember her asking if when she got older if I would date her. And I remember saying no because I don’t like girls like that. I think after that we just continued to be friends. It wasn’t a very long lived thing or anything. My whole problem has been I can’t remember everything. I think to myself what if it was in appropriate I stayed friends with her after she showed interest it me. What if I did something inappropriate I didint mean to do and just didint think anything of it. We were both girls and I treated her like I would a normal girl that’s a friend. I keep thinking what if I sent her inappropriate pictures because at the time I was very insecure and showed off my body a lot often posting mirror pics and such on my stories and sending them to everyone. Basically fishing for compliments. I ended up having her blocked when I went back to look on my old Snapchat. I can’t remember why but I’m assuming it has something to do with me not wanting my ex to see our messages because I would talk badly about him to her. I’m not sure tho and of course that’s triggering as well. Mental rumination is a horrible thing to go through. My boyfriend tells me I’m okay, and that I did nothing wrong and I was just a kid myself even so. I would just hate to be a bad person and unknowingly take advantage of someone in a way I didint realize was possible? If that makes sense. Only thing I can say for sure is I did not mean to be innaproproate I just did not think into it that way of her age and her having a crush on me. She also had a boyfriend during most of it so I don’t think I thought anything of it because of that as well.

I am so scared of eating. I am scared I will choke to death when I eat solids. Now I am also scared to drink because I will choke on water. I don’t understand how people can eat every meal without this fear. I can’t enjoy food anymore. I don’t know how people can sit at a restaurant and eat. I am constantly scared of my family choking. I am worried that heimlich might not work. This fear is taking over my life and I hate it. I want to eat normally again. Does anyone else have this fear because I feel like I am the only one. I know someone else who has this too but I had to cut them out of my life because they were toxic/abusive.

does anyone else suffer from this?! 🔞 tw: p0rn and possible POCD. all i want is to be happy, in all aspects of my life, both personally and professionally. i'm so afraid that i discovered a paraphilia and ruined all my dreams forever...(i haven't been diagnosed yet). i'm afraid of "pretending" to be a good person and having this big dark secret behind it, like pedophilia. of being a troubled and unhealthy person. if i am diagnosed with something related, my life is over. i don't even know what I would do..plans like running away or checking into a clinic are on my mind, and, in the extreme, killing myself. i'm terrified of becoming a consumer of this, of only being arroused by it for the rest of my life.. when i'm with my girlfriend, our intimacy flows quite well. we love each other, i feel safe and happy with her.. i am overcome by an inexplicable euphoria, but these thoughts keep coming to my mind..again and again. so tiring. a few days ago when i relapsed into pornography (on X, old twitter), i ended up seeing a small frame from a video where a woman was intimately touching another woman, and this other woman had braces and had small 🍒(but, you know, we should never trust on porn industries. the problem behind fetishisms is so big that there are big porn companies involved in serious and extremely cruel processes). i know that this doesn't exactly mean being a minor, but these characteristics alone made me panic and then i had thoughts about it, which come in the form of bizarre stories of abuse, but i managed to control them and i was happy! i turned it into a good and safe story. like, why?! why does it seem like i'm repressing this?! why do i seem so hypocritical and lost?! i want my "normal" life back. without anything harmful. i'm sorry if i was too direct or if i triggered anyone! i needed to vent..

(please read if you have advice :( ) I wanted to start this thread off by saying, I am trying my hardest to not ask for reassurance. Anyways, ever since a kid I’ve been very hyper sexual, I don’t really remember the first memory or incident that caused this, but I do remember growing up , having unrestricted Internet, access, and other kids doing things to me, whether it was a cousin, family, friend, or friend at school, and also walking in on family members doing things that children should not be seeing(sometimes the family didn’t care to not let me see :( )I would self pleasure all the time, even in inappropriate areas. Whether it was at school, around family, and I even would go on Omegle at the young age of nine and talk to old men. Throughout my whole life I have just been very hyper sexual, which is hard to deal with ever since I got diagnosed with OCD, as my brain sexualizes, even my intrusive thoughts. The thoughts revolve around my family, my pets, and kids. Self Pleasure has become a compulsion, something that has become extremely repetitive, as I use it to ease the intrusive thoughts and groinal responses, but it doesn’t work therefore it just puts me in a loop. I do not want to harm anybody and I sure as hell do not want to be attracted to these things. But in the moment, the sensations and thoughts feel like this is something I actually want. It’s hard for me to feel content with this being OCD given the history of my childhood and even growing up while being a teenager. I really just want all of this to go away as it is mental torture for me. This has been going on for years, specifically the OCD as I got diagnosed with it when I was 15. I don’t know what was going on before I got diagnosed, I can only assume it was OCD also. I really just don’t know what to do, I’m scared to talk to therapist, even though I have talked to one before, it’s just that therapist with someone I was extremely comfortable with, but unfortunately had to stop speaking with them. This OCD stuff just feels so real, it comes with feelings, sensations, thoughts, urges, that feel extremely real. I would rather take myself off this earth than hurt anybody in any of those ways. I feel like I’m lying to you, as if I am a fraud, hiding behind OCD. Any advice is welcome thank you for reading if you have.

I’ve been dealing with a really bad flare up the last 2 weeks and i’ve been dealing with ocd on and off for years. I was finally feeling better today, So of course my ocd decided to bring up an old intrusive thought that was really upsetting and now i’m stuck on it again. The reason why I struggle so much to conquer my ocd is because I developed ocd as postpartum so my ocd targets my kids, the ones that mean everything to me. The intrusive thoughts range from mild to really disturbing. While I know deep down the intrusive thoughts aren’t true or me, the ocd makes it feel SO real and true which makes me feel like I HAVE to disprove the thoughts and with confidence but the ocd won’t let me. It also makes me question analyze and judge everything I do. It’s an endless cycle of pain and I just want to be a mom without ocd telling me i’m a horrible person all day every day. 😪

🔞 tw: p0rn there are days when i feel like there is an emptiness inside me. today i relapsed into pornography, after 2 months..like, i always try to avoid pornography, i know the harmful effects (both chemical and physical). I don't know if sometimes it comes back as a "compulsion" due to the horrible thoughts I have. comparing scenarios, seeing if it gives me pleasure.. While I'm thinking about this, many intrusive thoughts come to mind, and i have to 100% avoid any video that refers to an age gap situation (even though i'm always attracted to older people). like, why does my mind insist on telling me that if it were something illegal I would be enjoying it much more?! or creating pedo scenarios.. i know that pornography is not healthy at all for someone with OCD (i have no diagnosis), but i just feel a lot of fear and dread.

Here are 10 things that helped me in my journey to living a better life with ocd. I hope they help you too. 1. Get sober - alcohol and substances in general may allow users the sense that they give temporary relief (at least that’s what alcohol did for me) but the reality is, they always come at a mental health cost. Sobriety has been key to getting myself at a baseline where I can begin healing. 2. Stop seeking quick fixes - I tried medications, supplements, diet changes, therapy and tms. None fully “cured or fixed” my ocd. The only thing that has worked to quiet my mind is erp. We must often go where we’ve been avoiding in order to get to the heart of the issue. 3. You cannot think your way out of anxiety - people with ocd often trying to “solve” the problem they are fixated on. Hate to break it to you but your not solving any riddles. You must take a step back and realize that you have a fixation on a subject that is causing you distress. Ramping up the thinking does not solve the issue. 4. Don’t listen to the accusations - if you give your internal accuser power over you, they get louder. We must continually practice gratitude and self love. We are all on a journey to recovery and well-being. 5. Stop self-checking - this is a big one for me. If you continually check to see “am I still having the thought” you breathe life into it. We cannot control thoughts but we can control responses. 6. It’s okay to not be okay - we are not bulletproof. We are human. We will have good and bad days. What we need to do is have self acceptance and self love to help us through the difficult seasons. 7. Feelings come and feelings go - nothing lasts forever. Not even OCD. There was a time before you had it and there will be a time after. We tend to think that when we feel bad, it’s going to last forever. But it will not. 8. The problem is not the problem - we tend to think the issue we are obsessing on is the issue. It is not. The issue is your fixation and stress response system. Not the subject. Take harm for example. You maybe concerned you are going to harm someone or yourself. But the issue is not that you’re fearful of harming someone and losing control but rather your response system that continually traps you in these thought cycles. That’s the root of the issue. 9. Slow down - often times in moments of stress, we ramp ourselves up. Regardless of what is stressing you, you do not need to respond in a ramped up fashion. Slow down. Take your time. And realize it’s a journey of recovery and healing. 10. Practice mindfulness and being present - ALL OCDers are either fearful of the future or concerned with the past. But let me ask you. Where do you find yourself now? The past is gone and the future is not here. You are like everyone else. In the present. Stop living in a fantasy thought space. Be present. There is a lot to achieve and appreciate here and now. I hope these helped you like they’ve helped me. Wishing nothing but blessings and growth to you.

I'm sorry if this post is long, but I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with a similar issue? I'm currently seeking an OCD diagnosis from a psychiatrist, but we're trying out medication right now, so it's sort of a waiting game at the moment. I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in the past, but I suspect I might have OCD due to the onset in intrusive thoughts I've been having recently (the past 6-7 months). I've had intrusive thoughts when I was younger and convinced myself I'd harm my family members and grow up to be a serial killer. It was extremely distressing, and I'd cry myself to sleep every night after imagining scenarios where I actually committed those crimes. Although, recently, I've been dealing with thoughts of becoming a p*dophile. It began when I was 18 years old (I'm currently 19 years old). A family member opened up to me about them being assaulted at their daycare, and this led me to get a really horrible image of something like that happening to my little brothers who had just started daycare and elementary school. Then, this spiraled into games my younger sister and I would play with each other when we were younger (I must've been 8 years old), and I had worried I might have done something bad. I confessed this to her, my psychiatrist and both of my parents, and they reassured me I didn't do anything wrong, but the thoughts didn't stop. I began obsessing over every little memory from childhood, and a lot of bad memories resurfaced. As a child, I had unrestricted internet access, as I'm sure a lot of my generation did. This led me to have inappropriate conversations online with adults who knew my age, and later, I went down a rabbit hole of finding inappropriate content on YouTube. For years, these memories rarely crossed my mind or mattered to me until recently. In the process of researching for reassurance, I found out about hypersexuality. I'm afraid that those things I engaged in as a child might've caused all of this? I'm not even positive if I'm hypersexual, but one of the symptoms was paraphilia, and I freaked out. What if what I thought was POCD is actually hypersexuality, and I'm going to give into these intrusive thoughts/urges... I try to tell myself that if it's causing me this much distress, that won't happen, but then my mind tells me there's always a possibility, and maybe I'm just in denial about it all? What if these intrusive thoughts make me become a horrible person? It's such an isolating experience. I'm sorry for the long post, but advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm wondering if people have had similar experiences and, if so, how have you dealt with these thoughts? Thank you🥲

This might be asking for reassurance but I’m at a point I’m not sure if this is ocd and who better to ask than you guys. Also want to mention I have been to a psychologist who diagnosed me with ocd and I’ve tried to seek therapy through NOCD but had a bad experience so I’m just looking for an opinion I’ll take with a grain of salt. I’ve been through bouts of pocd that I got through but now it’s morphed into something that feels so different. It’s like harm ocd and pocd together and it revolves around my daughter. Before this happened I was a loving mother who valued my kid more than anything. Now this is happening and it feels so sinister. I’m getting urges to do something bad and I get these feelings like I want to do that and it’s like my brain gets foggy and my values slip away and I feel like I could do it. But then I get a moment of clarity and I’m like wait a minute I’ve never hurt anyone in my life nor have I ever thought about it and this is my child what is happening. But then I get that foggy brain again and it’s like I can’t see her as my child. I try to sit with it and it’s like I get this adrenaline rush and feel like I have to do it. But I know I don’t want to do that, but then it’s like trying to make me want to want to. I’m not sure if I’m just lacking insight and clarity because I’m overwhelmed with the groinals, urges, thoughts and feelings but I just keep obsessing over the fact that death is my only way out. I don’t understand what happened to me. It feels like this demonic oppression and I don’t know how to get through this one or if this is still something I can get through because it might not be ocd. I try to go with the thoughts and feelings and say yeah maybe, maybe not, or yeah I’m going to do that but it seems to fuel the feelings. I feel like I’m teetering between the person I was and this evil awful person who has no regard for others. I don’t want to be around my daughter and I’m just angry all the time. The fear and anxiety used to be something I relied on and I feel none of that now. I used to be able to say “well no matter what I feel or think I can control my actions” and now it feels like I cannot control my actions but I’ve never hurt anyone before. Someone please give it to me straight and tell me if you think this might not be ocd.

Hi there, I hope you’re all well. Sorry for the long post, however, I would appreciate any advice. I also appreciate it if you want to stop reading at some point as this will be a long, and brutal post. I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD however, as we all know, the diagnosis can take a long time and I feel like it’s 100% a given that I have OCD. When I was 10 I was experiencing extreme intrusive thoughts about me doing bad things I.e killing someone, or robbing a shop etc. I practically forgot about this part of my life until 3 years ago when I developed some form of stomach bug which was making me want to be sick, although I was never sick, I just thought I wanted to be sick. I went to the doctors and they prescribed me anti sickness meds, which didn’t help, and soon after this I realised I was just anxious about something (which I’m unsure about), and then realised I never needed to be sick after all. When I realised it was my anxiety, it reminded me of my intrusive thought I use to have as a kid, and then this just re triggered my OCD and I was having horrible thoughts about other people, my wife etc which gave me a lot of anxiety. A lot of it was ROCD about not loving her etc. It took me a long time to get back to some form of normality, but I did. I would never say I was my usual self, but I got back to appoint where I came off meds, and felt relatively normal again without as many intrusive thoughts - and I thought I was ‘over it’. About 6 months ago, for whatever reason, I had a thought that ‘what if I’ve had an affair’, and it’s spiralled since then. I have no idea why I had that thought, and why it caught me so hard as I have never had an affair, but it did. And what I’m going through now is nothing like last time, it’s 100x worse. I tried to manage it by sitting with the thoughts etc, as that’s what I thought i use to do, but it just got worse and worse and worse. I feel all I ever use to do, was thinking about what I use to do to manage it, but it literally transformed into me only thinking about controlling/managing my OCD and never really on anything else. It got to a point where all I could think about was compulsions, and thinking if I didn’t do certain movements, thoughts etc my life would return to normality. I would feel a sense of satisfaction after not doing certain things, as I thought that was me resisting compulsions, but really, it was me just making it worse. At one point I would resist the urge to move my legs, or check my phone as I thought I just need to literally ‘sit with it’, but I took everything so literally. I’m now at a point, where I’m heavily depressed and can absolutely not see a way out, in fact, I have in my mind, that I’m going to EML, and i can’t shift this thought or feeling. I feel immense guilt and sadness in everything I do now as I’m just lying to everyone, and it’s un bearable being around my wife. Last week, I had 2 days where I even thought to myself, that I had turned a corner, and I think I actually believed it. But I feel that could have been because I was doing everything at 1000 miles per hour, and would constantly tell myself ‘I’ve got a great life’ and just reassuring myself constantly. I tried ERP, but I think this is too severe and when I was speaking to my therapist I couldn’t even concentrate because of all of the negative thoughts whirlwinding in my brain. I can’t remember what I use to think when I was normal, and I currently get enjoyment out of nothing. The thoughts are so constant, and I feel like because all I was doing was thinking back to how I dealt with it last time, my mind is now giving me constant images and thoughts of the past which just make me depressed, no matter what the thought is. I tell myself ‘to be in the present’, but I feel likes it’s even a compulsion me telling myself to do that because that just gives me a sigh of relief when I tell myself to do it. I’m so sorry for the long post, I just feel like OCD has completely transformed me into someone else, and I want to get back to the old me but I can’t even remember who that was and if it’s possible. That hardest thing to get over now is the fact that I can’t shift the feeling/thought of EML. Due to this, everything I do is unbearable. So sorry for the long post however, if there is any advice out there, that would be hugely appreciated.

I've had a recent traumatic event in my family intensify my OCD as of a little over a month ago, and I think I've had it for most of my life and was able to get by, but now it's lowkey been consuming my life. The shape-shifting it's doing is wild too. It feels like a slot machine of subtypes and my OCD picking what it feels like ruminating about. Like I feel like I'm going insane sometimes ngl. It started out with like harm ocd, and it's shifted to suicidal ocd, existential ocd, schizophrenic ocd, psychosis ocd, then somatic ocd, religion ocd, and health concern ocd and probably others too tbh And as of tonight I'm having depersonalization/derealization symptoms to where I feel like things aren't real which I haven't really experienced before. I started Paxil a few days ago, so who knows if that is causing part of it. I'm kind of just trying to laugh it off, like idk if that makes me insane or not, but just like laughing at all of the shape shifting anxiety and ocd is doing to me and my thoughts. Like in the back of my head I'm like am I manic, or like why am I laughing at this feeling but I'm just going to try and accept these feelings and emotions as they are. I just thought I'd share my thoughts and feelings - and if anyone has experienced the shape shifting that ocd can cause lmk. I'm gonna try and sleep this off lol

Since I developed ocd as postpartum my ocd has mostly always targeted my kids. It started as harm and then switched to pocd. Both are equally very painful. For years I was mostly able to keep my ocd at bay but when it comes back it’s so bad. I have a son and a daughter and my ocd switches back and forth from kid to kid with horrible intrusive thoughts and now even intrusive ocd dreams. With each thought I get past and start to feel relief another one pops right up. The thoughts feel so real and true even though I know it’s just the ocd and not how I think or feel, the ocd always makes me doubt myself and question everything I think or do. I know other moms/dads go through this too. Please anyone who has or is going through this please tell me how you deal with this. 😪