Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I have violent intrusive thoughts of killing my mom or killing people or harming my pets. I’ve been dealing with this for 10 years now, but it keeps getting worse. I keep taking medication but it’s not working.

Hello I have been struggling with ocd since I was 19-20 years old. I am now 29. At first I thought I was mentally insane and it was the scariest time of my life. I never have opened up to anyone about this stuff. Just suffered in silence. I still haven’t shared any of this stuff to anyone in my life because I don’t want them to look at me like I’m a monster. There’s just no possible way for me to explain that without sounding absolutely insane. My ocd has come in waves over the past 9 years. It gets really good and I think it’s gone away but then when I’m having high stress in my life it returns and I feel crazy again. Lately my theme has been thinking I have schizophrenia & looking up all the signs because my ocd has made me feel so crazily insane that I question if it’s even ocd or something else. There’s someone that I work with that I found out has schizophrenia and it completely triggered me back into a nasty cycle of ocd and scared me so bad FOR NO REASON. can someone please relate? I’m also in a relationship and they know nothing about this. I tend to isolate when I feel this way. I have also went through different themes the past 9 years. When I get over one & feel okay about it, another one appears.

It’s crazy how OCD can latch onto anything we see or hear. When my episode started back in early August it was initially HarmOCD. Then i joined the OCD Reddit group and read about someone else’s experience and it triggered POCD. Now that this has been going on for months, yesterday I got curious as to how this individual was doing, if he’s gotten the help he did for his POCD. Managed to find his profile and in his post recent post history he admitted to doing inappropriate things to a child. It was downright disgusting and disturbing and scared me. OCD did the whole “well if he didn’t really have OCD then maybe you don’t either.” I know it sounds irrational but I think my mind is only making that assumption because it was initially his story that triggered my POCD from HarmOCD. So now instead of the regular intrusive thoughts I’m now fearing consistently if I really have OCD, despite me having nothing to confess because I’ve never done anything to anyone but still. Anyone else ever have a similar situation?

any fellow queers leave me some advice for dealing with soocd and rocd ? im queer and in a relationship with my boyfriend and going through heavy ocd revolving around soocd and rocd. thank you!

This passed weekend felt amazing. Nothing special but I felt normal. I actually convinced myself that my long nearly 4-month-episode was over. The intrusive thoughts and images were still coming but I didn’t get frozen in terror, I was able to actually enjoy little things like playing my Xbox and binge-watching YouTube videos. Until Sunday night, the backdoor spike struck. I just hate myself a bit right now for thinking it would be over that easily, I look in the mirror and I do wonder in my head, “will I ever see my old self again?” I once heard someone say that everyone has their own trial to battle in life, mine is just OCD. Well I don’t want this one, I want a different trial. I’m posting this because I feel isolated, OCD does really make you feel like your thoughts are your “true” self trying to emerge from years of trying to be someone else. OCD really does make you feel alone and like the worst person in the world. Worse than Dahmer, Gein, Gacy, why? Because like my mind always says to my soul, “you’re worse because you’re not locked up, they were, so they couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. You’re out here and who knows how many you will hurt.”

I Have (i hope it’s ocd) soocd ( I am scared that I am lesbian) and rocd for 3 years. Before ocd I think I was attracted to men but now it feels so foreign. I am also in a relationship for 3 years and I even don’t know how I would be in my relationship without ocd. My ocd started after 3 months of a relationship so before ocd we were still in this honeymoon phase but now we are long time together and I don’t know how I am in a real serious relationship. Maybe without ocd after being in a serious relationship with a guy I would also decide that I don’t like men? Maybe I liked men only at the beginning, in the honeymoon phase, during dating time because I only liked the attention?I never was in a serious relationship before ocd and I even cannot compare it…

Does anyone else obsessively check their email, especially when waiting for something 😭 I struggle SO much with this because I know that I don’t need to check it this much and I know that people are busy and things take time but when I’m waiting for something I can’t stop waiting and it’s just so frustrating. On a regular day, I check my email frequently throughout the day because the notifications bother me but also because I get overwhelmed if I get too many/if I feel inundated by the volume of messages. I remember once I was out with a friend and had been checking my emails at the table and then again at the bathroom and she even brought it up to our server and was like “can you believe this girl checking her emails at the bar” (she is a sweet loving bean, I don’t want this to make her sound insensitive, she was trying to be funny)…but on days where I’m waiting on something it becomes so. much. worse. For example, I recently interviewed for a program in India and they told me it’ll likely take about a week for them to get back to me, however I’ve been obsessively checking my email since immediately after the interview (the interview was yesterday). I can’t get it out of my head and I try to remind myself that today is a holiday, tomorrow is the weekend, and they still have to reach out to my references before I hear back, but it doesn’t stop me from checking. It’s so frustrating because it’s sort of paralyzing in a way. Like I literally will sit on my bed and scroll on my phone so I can check my email every five minutes when I know I should be and WANT to be doing something productive but I just feel like I’m stuck in waiting mode and I don’t know how to get out of it. It’s concerning because it interferes with my daily functioning and focus and quite honestly it poses safety risks too because I even obsessively check while driving. I don’t know what to do or how to work through this issue, it is something that brings me SO much distress and I just really needed to vent about it. Please please please share if you have any experiences of this what has worked for you in decreasing the feelings of paralysis and the need to obsessively check even when you know nothing will have changed. I greatly appreciate anyone who took the time to read this. Thank you 🤎

Is it normal to feel like a liar or that you are in denial, even though you have confessed and gotten reassurance? I know that I have shared everything to therapists and family and friends but it still feels like I’m hiding something or living a double life. Is this normal?

I've been seeing a new psychiatrist for three months now. Or rather, I was supposed to have my third appointment recently. I deal with a lot of other issues on top of OCD. Last month, my psychiatrist ended up prescribing me the wrong medication, and not the one I was on. Thankfully, I had extra from an older prescription, so I've been taking that for the past month. I told CVS to request a refill for the right one and he never responded. So I was going to talk to him about this on Monday, because that was when the appointment for this month was supposed to be. On Monday, I got in the telehealth waiting room and he never showed up. Finally called the office to see what was going on. Receptionist told me he changed his availability. No one told me. I got a text reminder three days before that appointment that I had an appointment. Apparently, he is now only in office on Thursdays and Fridays, days I almost always work long hours. So they managed to find a time he was available on Friday that I could fit in. I mentioned I really needed AT LEAST one of my meds, lamictal, because if I run out I have to start at a low dose again due to risk of serious side effects. I managed to get to CVS on Friday before my appointment and it wasn't there. Legit started crying when I got out of the CVS. Especially since it was Friday, meaning he was in the office the day before and did nothing about the prescription. I called the office again and the receptionist said she had no guarantee he would respond before the appointment, which was in a couple of hours. Pharmacist was at least nice enough to give me three pills to get me through three days, had two left, so I can make it five days. Decide to go home, I take a depression nap, and then make myself get up for appointment. He never shows up. Call the office number, no one picks up because it says they're closed even though it's 6 PM and the site says they don't close until 9 PM. I have no clue what to do because I need those meds. I called the psychiatric ER that I had to go to to get started back on my meds a few months ago and they say to call my PCP. PCP doesn't open until Monday. So I'm just really hoping that my PCP will be willing to write me a prescription until I can find a psychiatrist who gives any semblance of a fuck. I am furious but can't call until Monday. I need those meds. I'm finally able to function again. I don't want to lose that because some idiot of a psychiatrist can't be bothered to communicate with me.

Dear NOCD, I am still having some trouble with these thoughts, and I am afraid that no other website would come close to understanding it so much as this. People on other sites are way too judgmental and they could even hurl the worst obscenities towards me and not even try to repent. I spent two weeks ranting about them with such pure rage as to actually threaten them. That's how bad the obscenities hurled against me were, I feel wrongfully accused. I almost refused to let it go because those users despise me now. Why should I listen to them? Why should I try to make them repent for something brutal they had done to me a couple of months back? I felt such pure rage at those people that I felt like targeting them in real life, and the delusion that they possibly knew my IP address and that they might be part of a secret network of Redditors making my interactions on that site as miserable as is humanly possible gave me comfort, and the truth looked like premature death itself. I wish I got rid of POCD because it truly is something that I will never talk to anyone else about except on this board. In addition, I am afraid these thought patterns have gotten worse, as I go to great lengths to avoid children and adolescents. I won't even let them into my house or anywhere near me, period. I fear for my life because of POCD. Being accused four times on Reddit is simply a death sentence for me, and I have to go retreat into NOCD to make sure that such accusations and defamations of my character never happen again. Thoughts? Truly yours, MatthewDHall

So I’m 17 & I’m curious as to how OCD effects you’re relationships & interests &/or crushes you get on people. This feels a little silly thing since it’s not that big a deal & feels like such a teenager problem, but I thought maybe other people might understand if it’s an OCD things. Whenever I start to take an interest in someone I quickly start to feel obsessed & all I do think about them, it’s been like this pretty much my whole life It; used to bother me & make me feel like I was crazy but now it doesn’t bother me so much. However I’ve started a new job a developed a little crush on one of managers who’s just a couple years older than me; that’s not a big deal but it’s frustrating me how much he’s on my mind the last couple days. I also feel like I’ll get random crushes on people I don’t actually I have interest in but all of a sudden I’ll be obsessed with them & feel like I have a crush on them but pretty much have no interest in actually pursuing anything with them. Are these OCD things? Both the becoming obsessed with crushes as well as feeling like I’m interested in someone even if I don’t & then also becoming obsessed with them? I just wanted to vent a little & get some opinions before I head into work today. I’m still fairly new to OCD, I’ve started to realize it affects a lot of aspects of my life but not sure on everything yet.

I’m wondering if I’m alone I have harm OCD I get intrusive thoughts of hurting my mom but when I tell her to hide the knife I get this urge to find a knife I hope I’m not the only one I’m getting very scared of OCD

Hi, I’ve really been struggling lately with my OCD and depression. I’ve been wanting to talk to my parents more about what I’ve been experiencing, they have always been great sources of support in the past. They understand that I struggle with depression and some sort of anxiety but I don’t think they really understand what ocd. I am very bad at explaining these sorts of things and was wondering if anyone has any advice about how I could explain this to them, or if they know of any good educational materials that do a good job explaining what ocd is. Thank you for reading.

Hi! I’m queer and have known since I was a teen. I identify as pansexual. But have had periods of obsessions about if I am wrong about the specific label. Like I know I like everyone and am attracted to all genders. But with the discourse within the queer community, I get anxious that maybe i my identify is hurtful for others. Basically I’m obsess over if I am pan or bi. Or if saying I’m pan is bi erasure. Or if I can say I’m both. But I haven’t before and would that be going back on my word. And I felt pan was the right label for me when I was coming out and it felt right but what if people see me as just trying to be an “edgy bi”. I don’t know. I get wrapped up into. Even though my girlfriend is bi and we have solidarity with each other and support each other, the lgbtq+ internal discourse can be me anxious. So much so that I have stopped saying pan and say queer instead mostly. I do identify as queer also but I just worry that then I am letting know pan folk but not being visible. I think it’s a part of my morality ocd/ harm ocd about being a good person and not hurting anyone. I was wondering if anyone else with sexuality themes also experienced this sort of thing because I haven’t seen it talked about before?

I thought it would help me. I thought being by myself would be good for us, but I just can’t shake this feeling. He is nothing short of wonderful, he’s so charming and charismatic, but then things just started making me worry I don’t love him anymore. Even though I feel I still do, even after I already broke his heart. Now he hates me, which is understandable, or at least won’t talk to me as much. I want to be just friends but that idea doesn’t make me happy. I thought it would. I thought that being by myself and free to explore is perfect. And he is free to explore and find someone better than me. But I hate that. I don’t want that. He agreed to give me a week to see how I truly feel, but I already know my answer. I miss him. And I don’t even know if he’ll trust me again. I love him despite everything I ever said and know I know that OCD ruined everything for me because I thought that getting used to someone being around me was a bad thing. I don’t want it to be a bad thing anymore. I miss his kiss and touch and hugs, and it’s only been a day. Isn’t that crazy? You really don’t know what you’ve lost until you’ve lost it all. And I lost my best friend. Any thoughts?

I don't really have anyone close to me that i can talk about this with so i just want to have somewhere where no one knows me and I can talk and be consoled by people who understand. I have terrible relationship OCD and constantly fear the worst and imagine things that could end my relationship. We have our issues but we work through them best we can and try to stick together. My girlfriend had a best friend she's known for like 8 years. I have always felt extremely jealous of her because of this. I know it's ridiculous and it doesn't matter how long you've known someone. I just am so jealous because i feel like this best friend is a good person and that i am not. And my girlfriend is going to realize i am a bad person and leave me for her friend. (we are a gay couple) Yesterday me and her friend got into a bit of an argument over something that we disagreed on. We decided to just end it, but later she DMed me calmly and tried to explain that she didn't appreciate how i talked to her. I absolutely went ballistic and blew up at her. Swearing, mean names, aggression, not listening. It was horrible and I feel like a truly am a horrible person for acting this way. It sucks because we had been getting along fine and i thought i was finally past the jealousy. But now it's just 10 times worse. I am spiraling, all i can imagine is my girlfriend leaving me. We have talked and it's simmered down but i can't stop thinking about what happened and how i behaved and i feel so guilty. I apologized profusely and explained how i felt and how i acted was wrong. The friend doesn't have to forgive me but now i know she is saying bad things about me to my girlfriend. I just can't stop thinking and worrying about my girlfriend breaking up with me because she discovered the truth about what a terrible person i am. I have felt suicidal over this but then i feel like an even worse person because i am guilt tripping people by being upset. What do I do? How can i calm the racing thoughts? My brain is so attached to the idea that i'm a bad person and everything i do just proves it. I keep switching from sobbing my eyes out to feeling deep rage because my girlfriend might care more about her friend than me. Deep down i know it's not true and feeling that way is having a really bad impact on my relationship. I want to stop feeling like this. Its so tiring. I cant believe how i behaved... i wish i could go back and have never said anything at all

Sorrry for the the very long post. I just think i write this post because i really need some opinions on it and find some people who feel the same. I ( 21 f) have been struggling with my sexuality for 4 years now and i do not know it anymore. Throughout highschool i dated 2 boys and especially after the last relatiobship i was very very sad when it ended. I did think i could be bi in high school but as i was happy in my relationship i did not gave it more thought. Around 4 years ago i started to question again and in this questioning i was scared that i had feelings for my best friend , because i think she is very pretty and i love her so so much. This made me panick a lot as i did not want our friendship to change , i checked a lot if i had feelings for her and this made me panick and feel distressed. I cried a lot these years. First i just questioned if i was bi but after sometime i started to question if i waz even interested in boys anymore. I did started a new relationship last year but broke it off because i could not do it anymore as i doubted everything and it was very bad for him. I did feel a certain releave which makes me doubt even more if i even like boys. While i was in this relationship i also had a period ( and in a period after this relarionship) that i had pocd which has been back for a month this december. Still my questioning about my sexuality remains, i did have sex with guys this year and did also kiss girls ( as i think i might be bi) and liked kissing these girls. I just really dont know if i like guys. While i have sex with them i do enjoy it at the moment itself but when i am alone later i start to question it or can feel disgusted ( which makes me really sad) and i am scared that that means i am a lesbian. My body does react very much , like i get very wet( sorry for too much info) when i have sex with boys but i sometimes start thibking do i want this with a girl , or feel weird when kissing them. With girls i do like kissing but mh body does not react kn the same way. I have also felt a tension with guys which i think is sexual tension and only fzlt it slightly with girls. I thibk i also had a type of feelings for boys and when my best friend got a boyfriend i think i was happy for her. I do not know why i keep ruminating over this so much and it takes so much energy, i 1m so done. Also i would not understand why i would have internalised homophobia. I have a very lgbtq friendgroup and my parents and family know about everything and dont care who i date. I know labels do not need but i feel so bad that i always doubt if i even like boys. I also read thz lesbian masterdoc which confused me more as i sometimes feel like i can relate to it a lot. I just feel so bad where my feelings and relatiobships in the past just a lie and am i really a lesbian? Do i just want to sleep with boys to prove something? I have so many questions. I also do a lot am i gay tests online. I just feel like i should give up and maybe just stop going out with boys. Ps i do went to a therapist but i never been officialy tested for ocd

a few months ago i saw my situationship having a sexual conversation with their friend and it’s been really bothering me ever since. i constantly think that when i’m not in the room that they’re talking like that with them or he’s using little loop holes in our agreement to get by doing it and it comes up often when i see them just texting normally. i can’t move past this incident and it always comes back when i’m finally getting comfortable again with our relationship and feeling better. i can’t figure out if this is something that still bothers me or if im just using it to self sabotage my relationship with him.

Has anyone found a medication for them that has worked. I’m on my second day of Luvox, but my anxiety and depression from intrusive thoughts and ruminating are so through the roof, that I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I’m contemplating trying Valium as need be until my ssri kicks in, but I’m afraid of feeling the need to take it too much and become addicted. Advice?

So I suffer with Contamination OCD, and when I try to talk to other people about it, they always think that it's because I'm afraid of getting sick from germs, and although some people struggle with that that's not what worries me, I'm not scared of getting sick but I hate the thought that the germ is on me or on items that I use or on surfaces, its just the fear of it being there that I'm the most scared of. Does anyone else who has contamination OCD also experience it this way?