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I’m so disappointed in myself right now I didn’t exercise before I ate my breakfast and now OCD is making me miserable and I just want to be happy I hate this!

When i play video games, i start to feel so guilty and bad. Because i feel like playing video games will make me a bad person, a rageful, angry person and that will lead me to be the person i hate. I feel like if i play games, it will make me an unfaithful, narcissist, angry, rageful person and it will ruin my future, my academy and it will lead me to do things i don't want. I feel like im becoming someone horrible. Other than that i extremely fear being like my mother. Im truly scared of that. I don't want to be angry, harmful to everyone around me. I don't want to be a narcissistic person who rants about everything for hours, gets angry at the smallest thing, blames people, belittles them. I especially don't want to hurt my partner. Im scared to hurt kids and animals, im scared of anger. When i get angry sometimes, i feel extremely guilty and bad. And i feel like im the most terrible person alive. Other than these, im scared to see my partner, my love for him as an exaggeration, i feel like i won't care about him or say "he is not a big deal, i don't mind not loving, hurting him" etc. Im scared to be like the people who hurts their partner, never cares about their partner, see them as a tool.

Help! If you can’t picture yours or your partners body parts and bodies perfectly in your head does that mean you’re picturing someone else’s body or body parts or that you’re turned on over someone else? Please let me know I worry because I would never get off or feel turned on by anyone else but I feel confused when I haven’t pictured something perfectly 100% does it mean what I’m worried about??

After a year of depression and OCD episodes I finally got a job as a barista and have been developing so, so much confidence. It’s been incredibly fulfilling for me, and I feel myself being ready to take on more fears, such as driving. My dad, for the first time since I really got the job, asked how work was. I told him how great it’s been, and he said, “well, when you get a REAL job it’ll be way more fulfilling.” Shut down the conversation instantly. Such a big accomplishment for me, but not for him bc the bar was too low. My dad makes me hate myself. Nothing I ever do makes him happy or proud. My appearance isn’t good enough, my bf isn’t, my education (WHICH HE CHOSE BTW) isn’t, my hair isn’t, my personality isn’t, my politics isn’t, NOTHING is good enough for him! If there is anyone in the world who makes me hate myself it’s my father. If it weren’t for my father, I think I’d love myself a lot more.

Does anyone else feel the need to know their diagnosis and want to find exact explanations for why you feel the way you do or have certain thoughts. I’ve just had one NOCD therapy session so it’s just the beginning portion with assessments and have more this week but I keep having thoughts like “Is this OCD or GAD or something else?” and “What if this actually isn’t OCD?” which leads me to Google the diagnoses and also ask others for reassurance (“Do you think I have OCD?”). Any advice on how to cope with this?

Ugh I am really struggling at the moment. I basically feel completely overwhelmed and sick from anxiety all day and like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. All my energy goes into not having a panic attack or crying or breaking down which is so draining. It’s also worse with going back to school and I’m in year 12 so I have so much work and it’s so hard and I don’t think I’m going to get the grades I want. Normally I would really care about this but I just don’t have the motivation and that in itself scares me because I don’t want to look back on this year and regret not trying harder but it’s just too much. Also one of my closest friends recently cut herself completely out of my group so there is so much drama and it just makes everything 20 times worse because I have to deal with that which feels so petty and insignificant as well as what is happening inside my head which feels so real. One day at a time literally feels like to big of a task even one minute or second does.

I feel so embarrassed in my sessions. I have a nocd therapist and every session she asks what I want to work on and has me come up with an exposure and idk the whole thing feels so embarrassing, i don't want to say the wrong thing or come up with a stupid exposure. I cry after every session because I feel so put on the spot and so embarrassed and I feel like i'm so difficult for her. idk what to do it makes me want to quit therapy all together. ive had good sessions in the past but its so hard to get past the embarrassment every time idk what my problem is.

So in high-school I had a great GPA and life was good but 12th grade is when my ocd kicked in I barely graduated and now I'm in college I bet all can guess how it's going 🙃 and my GPA has plummeted I do the work and go to class but it's never enough especially with ocd constantly ruminating and doing compulsive behaviors the tight anxiety feeling in my chest everyday every morning the times I wished I was dead because of ocd I don't know if I can bounce back from this I f%$#king hate ocd I don't know what to do

Hi my name is Audrey and this app was recommended to me to join a community with others who have OCD. I want to share my story and I think the best way to do that would be to share my college application essay. I wrote about my OCD journey and I think it sums it up well. Here it is: One of the main debates in grammar is the use of the Oxford comma. Some people strongly believe that you must use the Oxford comma when completing a list, and some people question its very existence. Where do I stand? I love the Oxford comma. But not because I am some big grammar-police, but because I have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and I feel a need for symmetry in my life. My whole life I have always loved when things were symmetrical. If I scratched my right arm, I scratched my left arm too; if I stubbed my left toe, I would purposely stub the right one too; I would line all of my pencils up in a perfect row. I felt a deep need to keep everything symmetrical. So when the debate over the Oxford comma first came to my attention, I, of course, was in support of it. Two commas between three items, nothing seemed more perfect to me. I could not fathom why anyone would not love the Oxford comma. I just always thought everyone's brain worked like mine. That was until I was diagnosed with OCD. I never knew other people didn't think and process information like I did. I never knew how my brain was "faulty" and different from others. When I first received my diagnosis, I felt like the odd pencil out of the row. I had spent my whole life making sure everything was equal and symmetrical, and it turned out that my brain was the unequal one. After my diagnosis, I started exposure therapy. And what did I do to work on my OCD? Well, I would move one pencil out of its row and stare at it until I physically couldn't anymore. I would only stub my right toe and wait while my brain practically screamed at me to stub the left toe. These exercises were hard and uncomfortable, but through therapy I learned to sit with discomfort and unevenness. Before therapy, one thing I struggled with was note-taking. I would write one word and then go back and “fix” the letters until my brain was satisfied, then do the same for the next word. It took twice as long and I would fall behind. I became stressed because I was missing half the notes and felt too embarrassed to ask the teacher to repeat. When I started therapy, this was one of my main issues I wanted to tackle. So, in our sessions, I would have my therapist talk about random topics and I would take notes. In the beginning, I would still go back and fix how I wrote each letter. But the more I practiced continuing writing no matter how uncomfortable my brain made me feel, the more I could write without going back and fixing my handwriting. In the past year, I have been able to take better notes faster than before. Now, I am confident that I will be able to follow along during lectures, and even understand concepts on a deeper level. As I’ve worked to confront my issues head-on, my cognitive flexibility has grown and the disruptive urgency that OCD creates has slowly diminished. My new ability to sit in discomfort has not only been useful with my OCD, but it has been useful in my day-to-day life. I am now able to live with unanswered questions, deal with the possibility that things will not always go my way, and tolerate my anxieties. I feel that these new qualities will serve me well in college and in life. OCD does not make my life better or make me perfectly organized, but it has taught me how to prepare for all of life’s challenges and adversities. But I must admit, despite learning how to tolerate things not being symmetrical, I still do love the Oxford comma. Maybe I am the grammar-police after all.

How do you deal with ocd and laundry. Sometimes I forget I put laundry detergent in. I fight my ocd and put the clothes in the dryer but then I freak out briefly that I didn’t put detergent in and ruined the dryer. I wish I could have a camera to record me putting detergent in. Also, does anyone battle washing something potentially contaminated with other clothing. What do you tell yourself to get over these irrational thoughts

I haven't changed my underwear in about a week and a half because I don't have any clean underwear, it's all dirty and for some reason I just can't suck it up and do the laundry this time so I've just been wallowing away in my bed feeling and smelling gross, when I think about doing the laundry I get exhausted at the thought and then I think I'm a disgusting failure and then I just don't try at all and I just lay down and sleep to escape it all I don't understand why it's so hard for me to function like other people, my room is a disaster and idk where to start, I'm spiraling so badly, I have a pile of trash in my room that I'm for some reason just waiting for the "perfect moment" to throw away, I can't do this anymore, and I never say anything to my therapist because it's so fucking embarrassing even though I KNOW that she's there to help me through this, I can't bring myself to show anyone the state I let myself live in, I feel guilty and lazy and dumb. I need to ask for help but idk how, I've had help so many times with this and my room always gets worse, I hate my room, I want my old room back, I think I do this to show that I need my old room back? But I can't have it for reasons I don't feel like explaining rn because it's complicated, I miss my childhood room, it was perfect and it had everything I wanted and it was just taken away from me, I didn't mind it being taken, a room is a room, but I'm so possessive of my things and I like to have my things exactly as they are so I don't change anything ever. Even if that means cleaning my room, this is what I know now and I refuse to change it. I wanna fix this so badly

Anyone have any compulsions they didn't realize were compulsions? I ruled out OCD as a possibility for a long time because I didn't think I had any compulsions, but I'm realizing they can be a lot more subtle than the common examples, like locking doors over and over. I'm slowly discovering many small things I do that could be compulsions (excessively proofreading my posts, ruminating, seeking validation for my feelings in comments sections, etc), and I'd like to hear other people's examples too

(sorry for the long post lol i'm just trying to make as much sense as possible) hi everyone, i'm not diagnosed OCD, but i recently came across some info about the ROCD theme, and a lot of the symptoms really resonated with me. in every relationship i've had so far, as the relationship progresses, i'm faced with unrelenting thoughts of "what if this person isn't actually right for me?", "we don't have xyz in common so we should probably break up", "they'd probably prefer to be with someone different than me", etc. and it makes relationships almost unbearable to stay in. my last partner broke up with me because i couldn't confidently say i was love with them. i never considered OCD, because i didn't have any noticeable compulsions, but then i learned rumination can be a compulsion, and i do that almost constantly. i may also have other compulsions that i just never considered unusual, i'm not sure. after looking into ROCD, i noticed a lot of other behaviors i've exhibited throughout my life could be attributed to OCD, like extreme perfectionism in all areas of my life, excessive googling of symptoms, and occasional phases of intense existential anxiety, among other things. i'm late diagnosed autistic, so i figured that was the cause behind all of this, but now i'm not so sure. also, i have tried CBT several times, but it has never been helpful for me. one therapist encouraged me to break up with my boyfriend when i was experiencing lots of uncertain intrusive thoughts, similar to ROCD, which was upsetting and didn't feel right. i say this because i know ERP, which i haven't tried, tends to be more effective for OCD specific therapy. i tend to fixate on mental disorders, trying to find an answer for what exactly is "wrong" with me, so that might be all that's happening now. but i just wanted to see if the community here thinks i have good reason to go get evaluated. i'm afraid that i will get dismissed by the psychiatrist, and still be lost, not understanding what's going on in my head or how to fix it. i guess i'm just here to see if anyone else thinks my symptoms are obvious enough for a diagnosis. please be nice to me lol i'm shaking writing this bc i know some people can be pretty mean when it comes to "self diagnosing" (which is not at all what i'm trying to do, i just need some guidance) thank you !!!

Ever since I was a teen I wondered what my purpose in life is. I constantly wonder when my next long term relationship would end and mentally prepare myself for it so I don’t feel as lost and to have my own closure. No one’s ever proud of me. I don’t understand complexity. I need constant reassurance. I need to check and double check and triple check everything I touch for 5 seconds, especially if I’m locking it. I need to check and be reassured that the dog is in the house. I need to know everything that’s going on, and if there’s a change in plans then count me out. If I park a car I have to pull on locked door handles and make sure the gear shift is in park. I constantly google to try and make sense of my mind and feel somewhat normal or fit in somewhere, but normal is a dream. When I shower I must wash my body and then my hair and then my body again or else I’m not clean because my hair would be dirty from my body or my body would be dirty from my hair, there’s no medium. I cry because I just want to be normal. I’m tired.. Thanks for reading.

Does anyone have any tips for how to make decisions faster and not go back and forth?

Can anyone tell me about their experience ending therapy? I think I want to soon. But I still have bad days sometimes. It’s rare but it happens. But at this point it feels like therapy is a crutch or safety behavior. I rarely have any exposures to do. I still get themes coming in (or trying) - I still check my thoughts. I’m just aware to detach and move on. I still do compulsions or rumination sometimes. But I don’t think I’ll get to perfection and even if it did I don’t know if more therapy is the answer. Feels like I need to let it all go. And exist without thinking too much about OCD anymore. Just curious!

My partner is away this week. What’s more, my period is coming up and my ocd always gets worse because of hormones. Even in the best of circumstances, I deal with feelings of loneliness and intrusive thoughts about loneliness, being a bad friend and being a bad person. I have friends, some lifelong ones even, but I never quite feel whole. Or like it’s enough. Or if I feel good while hanging out, the loneliness creeps in after I leave the hang and ocd tells me to review everything I said (I have gotten better at resisting this compulsion). The hard thing is that this loneliness makes it harder to reach out to friends or even strike up conversations with random people I might see in my day to day. Ocd tells me terrible things when I feel lonely and it’s hard to not believe those terrible things. Anyone else go through this? Any tips on exposures? I’ve reached out to two close friends just letting them know I feel down. I booked an extra therapy appt just because the feelings are intense and my partner is away. I was planning to go to a support group if the timing works out. Just feels really hard to do anything, like a big slog, but I’m just kind of dragging myself along. Thanks for reading.

Hi, I’m Cede. I am 15 years old and I’m greatly concerned if I have OCD. I do so many things that relate to others with OCD, and find myself constantly matching symptoms of it. But I feel like if I bring this up to my mother she will tell me I’m making it all up in my head, or say something stupid like “it’s because of that darn phone” I was hoping to find people here who do have OCD and see what their thoughts are. And hopefully find my answer. These things have been happening as long as I can remember. They started out as a few things but now they’re building and getting worse. Stuff I do that I believe is OCD related: -When I was younger and believed in good and praying, I would have to triple check I prayed for all my family and friends. Or I thought they would die. I would panic every night. (Age 4-9?) -When praying I would also pray that specific things wouldn’t happen to me. Ex: “dear god, please don’t let me get kidnapped tomorrow” -I got into a car crash when I was younger while I was asleep, ever ever since then I wouldn’t allow myself to fall asleep because I thought me sleeping caused us to crash -I would (still do) see the spray paint on cement and imagine if the line extended. I would have to avoid those spots or I’d feel panicked or think a bad thing was soon to come -I skip count by 2’s, 5’s, and 10’s when anxious, or something like it. -I have to hold my breath while crossing the street because I think something bad will happen if I breathe before I’m across -I have to run half way across a street before a certain light changes otherwise I’m convinced Doom is released upon me -I will randomly feel dirty in my body. Typically my hands. I will wash and wash them till the “bad” is gone. -I have the habit of over showering because I feel like when I sleep “bad” is layered all over me and showering will get it off -when making a timer for something it needs to only be “good” numbers (minutes) with a “good”number for the seconds. Ex: 11 min and 44 seconds -Numbers, Colors, Letters, and shapes all are split into feeling “good” or “bad” ex: 6 is very bad. It’s like a dirty feeling almost -I refuse to go into stores that feel “bad” or “dirty”. Like the AIR feels dirty to me, even if I know it’s clean -If I push my bedroom door shut before it closes I need to run to a carpet and stand on only my right leg or get to my stairs or I feel like something bad will happen -I will rewrite a letter or something till it feels it’s done “just right” -when walking on tiles I can’t step on lines. But also I don’t like how they’re spaced. My right foot is always stepping on one part of them and my left on another. It’s not fairly balanced. And that causes me to rewalk or step there again. And it causes me to panic and sometimes tear up. -if I only get one hand wet I need to get the other just as wet before drying them off or I can’t leave the place I’m in. -if one nail breaks on one hand ex:pointer on right, I need to cut the other one down to that length as well. Or I can’t function -when I’m sick I convince myself I’m going to die in my sleep (I’m literally sick rn and refusing to go to bed because I’m convinced my family will find me dead) -I have asthma and I sometimes think it gets so bad I’ll want to write “I love you” notes to my family because I’m going to die from not breathing in my sleep -I think I forgot something so I have to check it a few times to make sure I have it or done something -I won’t take medication unless my mother gets it for me, because I think I’ll accidentally over dose. And sometimes I’ll be worried to take it even from her (Tw for these because they’re intrusive thoughts) -I’ll be looking at my dog or a little kid and have the most vivid and violent visions of them. Ex: I will see myself bashing my dogs brain with my foot -I will have intrusive thoughts if me specializing myself to older adults, even family. Like guys. I don’t even want to give an example because it’s disgusting.. -I’ll get intrusive thoughts of me unaliving myself and writing su’cide letters to people -I will get an intrusive thought of me taking too much medication There’s still so much, but I’m sick and tired. If anyone who has OCD can let me know if it sounds like I have it please tell me. I want to figure this out. Have a good day! -Cd

so today i had to give my manager my notice that i will be leaving the job because my second job is moving me to assistant manager starting so soon. i feel terrible that i let them all down and now that everyone hates me, that i hurt them, and that they’re going to look bad at me and im a fuck up. i just feel like my OCD is making it bigger and i can’t stop ruminating on this and when i think more and more about it it cause me anxiety. is this normal and does anyone else feel this way.

I'll be 31 this year and I'm such a complete failure as a human being. I just had a breakdown over doing dishes. I have four specific cups that I use and normally I try to wash all of them at once, it really reassures me knowing I have three backup cups in case the one I'm using gets "dirty". Lately, though, I've only been able to wash one at a time and that causes a lot of stress only having one usable cup because if it gets dirty I have to spend the next half hour washing it, my hands, etc. Well tonight my cup got "dirty" and I thought everyone was asleep so I thought I'd try to wash them all. I don't like doing it when people are awake because it takes so long, I have to do it in a specific way and I'm embarrassed by it all. So I started and I was really struggling. I kept having to rewash and rewash because the bubbles just wouldn't go away and then my mom came into the kitchen and we were talking. My anxiety spiked because I was afraid she'd mention how long I'm taking or try to rearrange my cups or touch my arm and I just felt like a horrible person thinking these tboughts when all she's doing is talking to me but it just makes an already really stressful situation even more so. Then she left. I got two done, so I was half way through and then I thought the next cup was clean and I put it into the stack of clean ones but then I noticed it still had bubbles and now I had to start all the way over again. I wanted to cry and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I just wanted to be done and get something to drink and lay down. I tried starting over but my mom came back and I just couldn't deal with it so I quit and she smiled at me and said "finally done?" She knows and tries to understand how much I struggle and tries her best to help me and I love her so much for that and I'm so awful for feeling more anxious around her and having thoughts of just wanting to be left alone. She looked so proud of me, thinking I finally got done with my stupid little task and I just couldn't handle knowing how much of a disappointment I am and I started crying. She hugged me and offered to clean my cups for me and I wish I could let her but I can't. My OCD won't let me. Only I can clean my cups. My OCD isolates me and makes me feel so alone. I need help but I can't have any. And just facing the realization that I'm having a breakdown at 1am in the kitchen over not being able to clean cups properly just made me want to die so bad. Every little victory I have doesn't mean anything because I'll never get better. I lost so much time, I'm old and I don't know how to be an adult or take care of myself and I don't know what to do anymore. I hate myself.