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i feel like i’m faking everything, like ive read it all and my brain has mesmerised it completely. i first started struggling with feeling like i was faking it when my pocd episode started, i’d research pocd to see if what i was experiencing was similar or if i genuinely was one. i read something that said some people with pocd avoid children but i don’t do this. i don’t purposely put myself them around them but if my mum is going shopping i’ll go with her and my head will be screaming at me saying im going for different reasons. the other day i went my sisters and i was wearing kinda a mesh top and my head was telling me i can’t wear that because there will be children around and that i can’t expose that to them even though ive wore the outfit multiple times before without these thoughts, ive always taken my time with what i wear because it’s not often i go out so when i do go out even to the shop, i attempt to dress as nice as possible. i still wore the outfit and it convinced me it was for that. another thing ive read is that some people with pocd can’t say the p word but i can say it, i just chose not to. i started to not say that word after i had read that piece of information. it’s not a word i’d usually say before all of this anyway but if it was brought up in conversation i wouldn’t overthink it. another reason why i feel like i’m faking it all is because im not getting anxious or anxiety around compulsions, i don’t even know what my compulsions are technically. i don’t know if i don’t feel the anxiety anymore because i take medication for it or what. i just know i don’t feel anxious anymore. when i see people on here who i relate to, i can’t do the thing ive read again because otherwise i’ll feel like im just copying them? the post could be made today and ive been doing something for idk weeks beforehand and i’ll still feel like ive seen a post similar.

I have compulsions I did 10 years ago because of my pocd that still haunt me today. How do I forgive myself and move on?

I don't want to be a pedophile. I don't want to hurt minors in any way. I only tried to help this person with their OCD and nothing more. I looked through the messages and I've been nothing but helpful to this person but I let them know what made me uncomfortable and things I wouldn't do. I knew better. I knew what to do and not to do, but I still feel wrong about this. At the same time, I don't think it would be wrong if a therapist helped an underaged person with intrusive thoughts that were sexual in nature. I don't know. I just don't want to be a bad person. I haven't had a spike in anxiety like this in a long time. It hurts. It sucks. I don't know what to do right now.

I was doing so good the last few months. I was beginning to be social again, hang out with friends, watch tv and listen to music, and suddenly it feels like I’m back in square one. I watched a triggering TikTok, I turned 29 recently, I got drunk, and feel like I’m going through a flare. I’ve been here before, but it’s so scary when you’re in the thick of it. I don’t want to be bisexual or a lesbian. There’s nothing wrong with it, I have queer friends and they’re amazing. It’s just not what I want. OCD makes me feel like I’m in denial or that I’m lying to myself. I will get through this. It’s just so hard, the doom feeling of what if I have to rely on my family and never find a career or get married because of this.

i've always loved kids and they bring me so much joy and light and laughter into my life, i was an infant teacher at a daycare for years before going to college. i've always wanted a family , a husband, kids, a cat (already have my baby boy kitty witty), a nice dog or two in a nice house with a job i love or to stay at home with the kids blah blah blah . now that i've been struggling with HOCD i'm terrified. i'm scared that if i have children one day i'm gonna go into psychosis and act on intrusive thoughts which i would never ever ever ever do but it's a scary feeling . it has made my whole view on my future change so drastically. im scared of having kids now even tho it was my dream for so long. when i was a kid if anybody asked what i wanted to be when i grew up i would say "a mommy" . it's just kind of annoying. anyone else struggling with this ?

I’m a woman in my 20’s. I always thought I didn’t want kids but as I get older I’m starting to feel like it is something I’d actually want to consider in the future maybe. There are 4 reasons though that make me feel like I can’t have children. 1. Feeling like there is something wrong with me, like what if I’ve done unforgivable things, what if I’m a freak. My husband and family would tell you this is OCD, but I couldn’t tell you that right now as I’m in the midst of feeling like everything is real. If I truly am an irredeemable freak then I can’t be a mother. 2. I am afraid to pass on my OCD and autism to children. I do believe people with OCD and autism can live full lives and I know because of my own experience I’d hopefully be able to spot it early and know how to get them help but what if they suffer the way I have 3. My safety anxiety and fear is bad enough when it comes to my family, I worry myself to death that they might get seriously ill or in an accident etc, how will I manage coping with those fears with my own children, especially when there is such an added responsibility to these anxieties because I’m the one looking after them. 4. What if pregnancy and postpartum messed with my hormones and brain so much that my OCD was triggered into an unliveable state. What if I’m susceptible to postpartum psychosis because I’m already mentally ill I hate what this illness has taken from me, I’ve spent most of my life feeling guilt and shame and unease, not knowing if I’m good or bad, doubting if I even have OCD. It breaks my heart that my future is going to be ruined too

Today I have been having an okay day. Nothing too bad has happened till I started to get into a deep thought. I started to think about when I was younger. Everything was fine till I started to think about something that happened when I was little( I was about 10). I did something really bad and I haven’t thought about it for awhile. During this moment In my life I did something really disgusting. Now I feel disgusted and uncomfortable, but idk why I did it. It definitely has triggered my OCD. Now I’m scared. I hope I was just a kid who didn’t understand what they were doing. My anxiety is so bad right now.

Some examples of my thoughts, images commands, feeling and sensations. Who relates to these? -stomach dropping making my chest tight -rapid heart beat/skipped beats -images of horrible scenerios like driving off a bridge or hurting someone or images of what me “snapping” would look like. -looking in the mirror and getting scared that my face will change into a demon face so I stop looking in the mirror. -looking too long at my son and having to look away so I don’t hallucinate a different face on him (even tho I’ve never hallucinated) -what if you’re a horrible monster and you’re going to off yourself -what if your husband and son are demons -you shouldn’t be left alone with your child in case you hurt them -images and scenerios of me texting my husband while he’s at work and telling him I’m killing our son and then myself (even tho I would literally never do this. It makes me sick to even type it on here) -what if you you have schizophrenia even though you’ve been professionally diagnosed (twice) with ocd -what if the ocd specialist was wrong and you don’t have ocd and you’re dangerous -what if you go into psychosis. -what if you are In psychosis right now -what if you were scared of your hands…?¿ this one is so weird lol -what if that bug isn’t real -what if you hear voices -kill them -they’re better off without you -you’ll never get better - you’re crazy. -this can’t be ocd it must be more -nobody else gets these thoughts and feeling -feelings of scared, worried, uncertain, intense anxiety -fears intensifying at night as I’m drifting to sleep -nonsense thoughts that don’t make ANY SENSE at all as I’m trying to fall asleep -what if you believe people are after you one day like a crazy person -what if you already believe this. What if you are delusional. The list goes on. I hope these help some of you feel not alone if you have them as well

Hey I’m new to this, I’m a 20 yo female, and I’m pretty sure I’ve had ocd since my childhood, but it’s gotten worse has I’ve gotten older. I never really understood my intrusive thoughts and always felt so sick and uncomfortable when I’d have them. They took a turn many months ago when they became more often and more intense. And I started doing some research on them and came across ocd (which I always thought was just when people don’t like to be unorganized and are like perfectionists or something) but as I was reading different websites and seeing how many types of ocd there was I noticed that I related to most of what I was reading. I still haven’t been officially diagnosed or found a therapist yet but I’m working on it. The past year has been the hardest with my intrusive thoughts. I’m mainly bothered by my pocd and I feel sick to my stomach whenever I get an intrusive thought about a child. I absolutely love kids and would never do anything to hurt them it physically makes me ill when I think about it. (If anyone has any tips to deal with this please reply😭) I think I have an idea to why I have those thoughts. I didn’t have the best childhood I was sa’d at 4&9 by 2 different people that were supposed to take care of me, and I have this horrible fear that i could be like them and it makes me feel so incredibly sick. I was also way too exposed to s3xual things as a child, my family was way too open about s3x growing up like I’m talking adults in my life thought it was okay to openly talk about it to me when I was 6/7 like it was normal. I wish I could explain more but this is already way too long. I’ve only opened up to a select few people about this so this was extremely hard for me, I’m literally fighting for my life… Thank you to anyone who cared enough to read this all the way through I appreciate it so much.🤍

My brain is attacking itself again to the point I am sobbing and hyperventilating. I am genuinely so terrified of being a pedophile I’ve been ruminating over things from my childhood and the intrusive thoughts I’ve had. I don’t want to be a pedophile, I am a victim of CSA and do not want to be anything like my abusers. I was groomed, sexually assaulted, and harassed by adults when I was a child. What if I turn out like them? What if they were subconsciously a role model. My POCD latches onto anything. My partner is almost 2 years younger than me, I like kids shows, I like stuffed animals, etc. What if that means I’m a pedophile? What if it means I’m a monster? I am so out of my mind scared. All I can do is shake and sob violently from this fear and disgust.

Hi! I've been dealing with something that really bothers me,I'm in therapy for it but I end up being sucked up in a loop of thinking about it all the time. I need help. Ok this is the story,I was having ocd thoughts like always " if u do this,this will happen,if you don't do this,ull attack someone" . That day I had a thought about my nephews,that I'll do something inappropriate with them,I was working in the house and I stopped a compulsion earlier and in that second my brain was like " omg what if something happend now" I continued my work yet was like "did something happen? Maybe I went to their house" lol after a while I was analyzing the thought like " what if I do that,would I feel guilty?" I didn't freak out,nothing,that surprised me. Then I feelt like ,wait what if I really do it,what if I snap?like an urge. If I think about it does it mean I will do it cuz I didn't have any negative feelings about it at that time. I started to ruminate and ask myself "what if I test myself and start the car and go to their house to see what I will do" .."I would probably just turn around or say hi but be in total panick and at the end I wouldn't even believe myself if I didn't do anything. I tested myself with the thoughts. And I got such anxiety rush afterwards while I was working in the house as if I might snap and had to be sure that I'm in the moment and remember everything. When I got to the house of my brother,I had anxiety but I didn't fight it,I thought, ah ill feel it,just continue walking,my mind was like trying to endure it and not analize the feelings,I remember I sit on the couch,we were talking,I went up and waited for my sister to get out of the bathroom and I tought to myself " now that I'm in the house,I could go to the kids room but I wont" .like I was analyzing that now that I'm near I wouldn't do it. But damn when I woke up,I feelt horrible, like I really did something, my kind feelt like it has a blockage,and I feelt horrible and guilty until today,that I cannot tell my brain what really happend. I was analyzing my thoughts and testing in my mind how far I would go that i have no idea now what to believe. I'm doin EMDR now for that day,my question is,is ALL THAT OCD? I was afraid afterwards why I didn't feel disgust that day cuyz of my thoughts. And now I'm spiraling,is that also ocd? And what can I do to finally stop the doubt and be sure 100 that nothing happened. Hope someone can relate

If life couldn't help giving me ocd at birth, I wish that it didn't give me pocd out of all the other themes. I know it's not fair to say this, but I wasn't this much depressed when I had contamination ocd and pure ocd.

Hi all, new here. I have been struggling with OCD for about 11 years now. I was diagnosed at 15 and am now almost 27. My main theme is POCD, although I have suffered with many other subtypes. Lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot of false memories. I started having them around 20 years old, but now it has taken over my life completely. At first the false memories were about past events I thought could have happened, but now it is false memories in real time. For example, like thinking you turned the oven on before you left even though you checked it 10 times over. It’s things like that, but with POCD. I cannot distinguish fiction from reality anymore. As of late, I have a serious fear and obsession with cameras. I am constantly terrified of blurting things out on camera, or acting out intrusive thoughts. It has gotten so bad, I cannot be around anyone’s phone but my own. I am constantly having family members check their photos to tell me if I somehow took a video or picture of doing something completely awful. When I am around someone’s phone that I am not able to check, I have serious meltdowns because I am not able to ask them if I’ve done anything. I also check everywhere for cameras, like literally will dig through bags and open drawers/cabinets to make sure there is no camera. It is the scariest thing I have ever experienced. Going out in public in front of cameras is a nightmare for me but I seriously try to do my best. I literally can’t work anymore around other people because I am so scared of their phones. I had to quit my last job because it was becoming so debilitating. I would make up stories like “hey let me air drop a photo to you” just to get them to open up there photo app so I could see I did not record myself saying anything incriminating. I cannot call important people without panic, and if I do I cannot leave voicemails because I believe I will say something wrong. I cannot send emails because I have a fear of saying something wrong. The only social media app I have is Facebook because I’ve had it long enough I feel comfortable using it but I’ve deleted every single app that didn’t have an activity log showing me what comments or likes I’ve left on things. I’ve deleted everything that I can take pictures with (except my iPhone camera of course) I can’t even download a game without thinking I am messaging people on said game! I literally downloaded a game recently and had my mom go over every single thing on it to make sure it wasn’t possible to message other players. I cannot do simple things such as writing something down like signing my name on important documents because I think I write terrible things. This has literally taken over every single aspect of my life. I am miserable, I can’t find help. I have been to many therapists, and taken many medications. Nothing helps. I am at my wits end please help me, or share if you’ve been through anything similar or how you navigated that. I am desperate.

i've seen there are actual posts on here that straight-up talk about actual actions associated with "p", while i absolutely need help with this, i cannot and will not tolerate seeing such posts and nor should anyone else. this is disgusting.

So I’ve been having these weird guilt issues and I feel like I’m lying to myself. I had this weird thing where I thought I had feelings for children even though this is 100% not what I want and it goes against my moral code. But I keep trying to make sure that I feel 100% sure that this is the truth. It is just more distressing and causing more issues. Can anyone help please or have some advice? Thank you:)

I saw a comment of someone and now my brain is thinking "now you need to m*sturbte yourself thinking in your sister" Im crying, this intrusive thoughts makes me want to cry, I don't want this thought, ah and it gets stuck in my head, HELP ah I'm in crisis, please The week was really good and now this nightmare thought is stuck on my head I'm terrified I don't want this thought, why stills on my brain? Ahhhhh is torture help I feel my day is contaminated my brain with this thought help

Can’t even look for jobs or consider any type of job that has anything to do with being around kids, my brain just tells me I want to work there for a bad reason, the thoughts feel so real, it tells me that I am a P. I just want to be normal. I can’t even look at myself, I just feel like there’s something off about me, and that I’m a bad person.

18+ please! Sorry if this inappropriate. Does anyone else deal with the consequences of having consumed pornography and has ocd? Can you tell me if you also have a lot of intrusive thoughts during sexual activity? I'm not proud to say that I had access to this type of content at a young age and it grew with me until the first years of my adult life. I only became aware of the extent of the damage when I received my ocd diagnosis and even though my therapist and I believe that I have had ocd since childhood, addiction to pornography was an important factor in making the disorder worse since I suffer from graphic images and sexual content intrusive thoughts I've been trying to learn how to have a good relationship with my sexuality without using pornography for a few months, but it's not always easy to use my imagination when I have some tabs open in my head that get in my way. I really can't and don't want to have access to any type of adult content anymore, but I always think it's easier to be able to "silence" intrusive thoughts. It's happened several times where I try to use my imagination and then I have an intrusive thought and I think I stimulated myself by thinking about it and it's just disgusting and I feel really bad. I've been trying to deal with this for months and with medical help for both problems, I really feel dirty and lost about it and I don't know how to make it stop. I spent days avoiding even thinking about anything sexual so I wouldn't have to deal with it, but my therapist said that this is also unhealthy and can become a compulsion, so I don't know what to do. Anyone who goes through/has gone through something similar?

First I would like to say is that tw and I also can’t afford a therapist and please give me advice I have no peace in my mind I just want to be a normal person again. Since 2022 I have been getting filthy unwanted sexual thoughts towards children I feel awful about it because it goes against my morals and characters as a human being. I feel like a horrible person and I feel like I have no rest in my mind, everyday it’s the same thoughts that torment me and I happens all hours of the day there’s not an hour that goes by the day that I don’t get these ugly horrible thoughts. I recently started getting “feelings” down there and I hate it. These thoughts came back again stronger this February. I also believe in Christ so if you have advice of how I can pray against this because I don’t really know what’s the root of these thoughts. As long as I have these thoughts I can never be free these thoughts have put me back into a state of depression and well as suicidal thoughts I just feel like I’m living hell on earth I am also 17 years old female, so please someone help me. I have tried praying against these thoughts but nothing, I have tried deliverance prayers worship etc but nothing. — I also tagged Christian ocd for advice !!

I was doing fine until I went out in public and now I’m spiraling and feeling sick. It makes me feel like I’m a sicko and like I want it and it gives me so much anxiety. I feel like I know that my core beliefs are I want to be a good person, I would never do that but OCD makes me question if I’m faking it and then I just feel sick all over again. This is seriously so exhausting. Any words would help. I just want to get to where actual children don’t trigger me anymore.