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i hate ocd i hate the control it has i hate the inability to distinguish real from fake i hate the immense guilt i hate it feeling like a horrible person

I'm having intrusive traumatic memories of when someone sent a p***phile gif in a telegram group out of nowhere. I was traumatised, I saw something that shouldn't ever exist, I remember condemning him and then leaving the group. It was many years ago. I'm starting to even remember the details, it's traumatic. I wish I could erase this memory. I was a child too and I even forgot this shit happened, a lot of years passed by and I developed pocd and I've been healing from it but I'm just remembering this unsettling and disgusting event just now and I keep having flashbacks of it. I feel guilt. I understand it wasn't my fault but I wish that never happened in my only life; I got marked by this event forever, nothing changes that. How am I supposed to go on with my daily life aware of what happened? It's ingrained in my memory. How can I ever be intimate again? How am I supposed to practice erp with this fucked up stuff? I'm lost. It's too much. Others triggering memories are returning. I wish the victims are doing okay and I hope that those who are responsible, and that person who sent that stuff are burning in hell. Trust your parents when they tell not to chat with strangers at a young age. I learned the hard way and now I'm dealing with the permanent and irreversible consequences.

Hi Everyone! I've had OCD starting at a very young age after my Grandmother had a massive stroke in front of me with me alone at home with her at age 6, a few weeks away from turning 7. She passed away on my 7th birthday. Soon after I struck with a mysterious illness that had the doctors baffled and they thought I may have leukemia. After a month (I really have no concept of time at that age, but my parents say I was in the hospital for a very long time. It began with major health anxiety obsessions and severe weather anxiety obsessions due to natural disaster films being shown in elementary science class. It was so bad, my parents had to request that I be removed during those films, and I was taken into a back room in the school library and made to watch The Dukes of Hazzard. Back in the early 90's, (age 9 or 10 for me) someone made the prediction that a devastating earthquake would cause so much catastrophy and d**th. I began collecting water into old soda bottles and our whole laundry room was filled with these bottles. Those type of obsessions are still prevalent, along with other ones from childhood I haven't mentioned. Today, I am obsessed with the state of our world. Obsessing over all negative things. I live near an airport so I can tell when it's a military jet flying over... by the sound and speed. I have an app on my phone that is a flight radar so when I hear that, no matter the hour, I check the app to see and when I see it was definitely a military jet, I go into major anxiety... "we are at war now..." I watch the news and check the news and other informational podcasts to try to reassure myself, but at the same time, I feel defeated. Like giving up. I've also really let my hygiene go. I feel so disgusting. It's a combo of irrational fear and just emotional and physical exhaustion and sometimes, I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I'm not s***idal or harming myself at all. I'm just so depressed. It's just so hard on a daily basis. I can't even leave my house anymore. I'm a recluse for the most part. I went through this in high school and had to be taken out in 11th grade. I just couldn't cope there anymore. Constant anxiety attacks. I do have intrusive thoughts all day, every day. None of the compulsive handwashing, counting... except for certain numbers have to selected for meaningless things, but very real for me. I have no support at home. My friend and boyfriend that I live with escalate matters. I don't think they truly understand my condition. Does anyone else suffer in relationships with friends, family and significant others? This is just a bit of my story. Does this kind of OCD resonate with anyone else in particular? Thank you, if you've read this far. I'm excited to be here. Respectfully, Elizabeth (Liz)

Nothing can shake off the guilt. I don’t start therapy for a couple weeks. I’m almost non functional, what can I do

I was just wondering can OCD switch between two specific themes. Recently my theme had changed from false memories (reassurance) to obsessing over news(Russia and the potential draft) and now it has switched back to my original theme while the new one is still subtext in my mind. Is this common and does anyone have any advice (I’m seeking out NHS talk therapies as don’t have the money for anything else)

Hi, I have so many consequenses that it feels impooasible to describe my near past, specially the last five years where my entire life turned upside down due to the cresensdo in the last part before I got help. I have a hard time believing people will believe me and my story- its so much to rebuild? Anyone who recognize this and have experience?

I am not educated that well with the different types of OCD. But being here opened me up to it all. I am struggling with intrusive thoughts and i can’t stop thinking of those thoughts until i physically feel ill or nauseous. I struggle with getting over things that has hurt me especially when I see the people who have hurt me the flashbacks always come. I am not sure if this is a form of OCD. I just can’t stop thinking of the certain thing and I feel as if I am self sabotaging myself when I have good things in-front of me because my intrusive overthinking thoughts will not stop.

Im constantly being terrorised at night by thoughts like „what if I’m just gonna hurt somebody at night?“/ „what if I wanna act on my thoughts?“/ „what if my thoughts mean I actually want them and am capable of committing them?“ and like this has driven me to lock my room and store my key in Amy wardrobe and having to tape my wardrobe shut so that k can be sure I hadn’t opened my room. I don’t know what to do, does anybody have any good tips? Because it’s always that if I don’t lock them, the next day I’ll wake up being scared tk have hurt sb and that keeps feeding into my false memory obsession that I currently have :/

but does anyone else’s intrusive thoughts and false memories get worse during the night or like as soon as the sun sets? it’s gotten to a point now where i dread the sun setting because ik it’s gonna be worse. i don’t know if this has anything to do with ocd??

I have extreme fear of rabies and it triggered my usually bearable ocd to the point i cant function normally. Whenever I pass by something on the ground resembling a bat my brain tells me its a bat and that I have touched it with my hand and that I have rabies now. Sometimes I take a photo of potential triggers to be sure I wont ruminate later aka ask myself what if it was this or that and i just look at the photo i took and be sure its nothing. The triggers are also becoming harder to bear everytime, for example 3 days ago it was night and I saw something small and dark on the ground and didnt see it clearly, phone was almost dead and i couldnt take a photo of it, probably wouldnt anyway because there were two people nearby so i just left myself a note in the phone that it was nothing and I didnt touch it, but you guessed it, my brain says its a bat and that i touched it, creating a false memory and now i feel like i cant know what actually happened..rn i cant think of anything but being terrified of dying of rabies because i cant trust my memory. I feel like Im going crazy

Today I woke up with an intrusive thought of being scared to have hurt my dog when I was last downstairs. Then I went through everything that I remembered from the night to prove that everything was always alright. But then suddenly I got the intrusive thought „what if I had hurt my little sister when k woke up one time at 4 am?“ and like, before this thought I remembered everything from 4 am really clearly. I woke up bc of noise coming from outside of my room and thought that it might already be 6 am so I looked at the clock to realise it wasn’t. I then realised that it wasn’t 6 am yet and then I don’t know what exactly had happened but at some point my AirPods were next to me and I was looking for their case to charge them but saw it was on the table and I was too lazy to get up so I just let them stay there. I was still hearing the noise which was my little sister crying bc she probably felt ill idk. My mother was there. I know that my little sister had been in my mothers room all the time basically. And then I went back to sleep. I can’t remember anything else after that anymore, probably bc I was sleeping. But I keep being like „but what if my mother had brought my little sister to her room and I hurt her then?“ and like idk if this even makes sense at all bc my mother has like this camera thing whenever she’s not in the same room as my little sister and has it on full volume. This only just now, after hours of ruminating, clicked in my head. Like, she def would’ve heard if I had hurt her right? And from what I remember, she had spent the entire night in my mums room anyway. Like I genuinely don’t remember standing up, nothing. But even when I resist ruminating, the thought won’t leave me. Like it’s this pitch in my stomach. This pitch telling me „what if it’s true though? Why do you not feel bad? What if it’s actually real and you really forgot doing this and now those are your memories and you don’t even feel bad abt it? Would you live with the thought having done this? Are you capable of doing this?“ and it won’t leave me. Like it makes me feel as it this is actually a real memory. But I didn’t remember this even when I got the thought. Like it’s all powered by „what if“s. I keep being told that not ruminating will give a sense of logic back but no matter how many times I’m like „yea no don’t ruminate, later you will have your logic back and you’ll be able to think abt this as irrational“ but it feels as if I’m further away from the truth than I was the first time I replayed my memories. It’s as if ruminating completely messed up my memories. I don’t know anymore, this feeling is making me doubt whether it’s not actually true deep down and I just lost control over myself at night. Like I remembered the night so well the first time I was replaying it. Had No doubts over this. Maybe if this thought won’t leave I’ll ask my mother but I don’t want to distress her but at the same time I just need to know. I generally always wake up with such fears. One time I was scared to have lost control over my brain at night and if I had just watched illegal videos and forgot abt it (turned out wrong of course after checking my screen time so), then 188273 times I was scared to have hurt my dog and now this. Like I think she was with my mother but now I’m not sure anymore. By now I’m yet again back at having to lock my door at night to make sure I don’t have to worry abt hurting others.

Hii! I hesitated before posting this but here I am.. Ocd are a living hell rn to me. I barely eat or sleep anymore because of it, I’m just scared of everything, ruminations are here every night leading to panic attacks, sh, psychosis,.. it’s like « what if I’m/or do something bad, what if I did something wrong and I don’t remember,.. I store my studies because of all of this..I can’t do this anymore I’m so tired of compulsions and everything I have more ocd but rn it’s the most debilitating for me, if someone have experienced the same things or just have tips I take it!

I feel like I’m at a point that I’ve had the thoughts so long that now this just can’t be OCD. It feels like I’m losing touch with reality. And I’ll get one thought and then another one comes and it gets so confusing. I will feel better for a split second but then I will feel like I’m just getting worse in the next second. I don’t even know how to explain it. I am terrified and I want this to go away. The feeling of just being out of it or not all here is killing me. Even writing this feels odd. I’m so scared I’m losing touch with reality. I don’t know what to do.

Can anyone share any success stories from doing ERP therapy and anything else that may have helped you? I understand now that I've probably had OCD most of my life, but getting started and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel are two completely different things. I really want to recover from this. Mine stems mostly from real events, but I have other themes as well.

Is anyone going through something like me ? I have false memory intrusive thoughts , thinking of the possibility of having committed a crime and no remember about it And also have religious ocd thinking that God is angry at me for some reason , and that's why I'm not able to pray, like i used to... I'm so sad because he is so important to me and I would feel such big connection to the Lord when I would pray, and right now I'm afraid ...

I'm terrified that my biggest fear happened on a night I drank too much and blacked out. I now keep finding/looking for evidence to try and prove/disprove and it's terrifyingwhen I find something that supports the belief. Does anyone else experience this. So angry with myself for letting myself drink to this point. Have been so depressed

I have been having memory obsessions a ton lately and like I once had an image of hurting somebody but I know that this would’ve been somewhere in 2023. But ever since I got over the fear to have hurt them there, I then keep getting fears related to his image and thinking „but what if I had hurt them way earlier?“. Like just now I was recalling the vacation I was on in 2022. I already had ocd there. And like suddenly I got scared „what if I had hurt the person while I was on vacation there?“ bc I was in the same room as them there. Not the exact same one, there was a door in between bc the room had a a room with a big bed too but I was sleeping on the couch. But now I keep thinking „but what if I was alone with them and then hurt them in this way and just forgot doing that?“, but no matter how much I think, I can remember almost everything from the vacation and being in that room. I also know I once was in the room with the bigger bed. But I can’t recall being alone there. I was always there with my sister. She was often around the other person, I was barely around them and especially not alone. And like the person was always with my parents so there basically are no occasions that I could’ve been the only one around them. But I keep thinking „but what if I just forgot this?“, but the image that I had a while ago doesn’t even match the hotel room. And like this has happened multiple times already. Just constantly me thinking „but what if I did this here or way longer ago?“, but there are simply no occasions this could’ve happened. And wouldn’t I at least have some memory to doing this since I seem to have a ton of other memories? And now I’m scared that the images are suddenly memories but I never remembered this and I also don’t have any actual clear picture of that just the old image that I always have.

I struggle most with harm OCD+real event+false memories. The mental rumination gets exhausting. I constantly beat myself up over past mistakes and will fill in the pieces I don’t remember with the worst case scenario. I self soothe by reminding myself I am not a bad person and my worries are disproportionate to the actual situation due to the fact I struggle with OCD. But I quickly get interrupted with an intrusive thought telling me “it is that bad and you’re pinning it as OCD to down play it and avoid accountability”. Anyone else struggle with this?

I guess this post is just a rummage of thoughts. I have been wondering lately as to why some people respond well to medication and others do not. Im also very curious as to the real reason SSRI's work. Could there possibly be a hormone it works on that hasn't been found yet. Im not buying the seratonin theory. First, Psychiatrist are not doing bloodwork to see peoples seratonin levels before prescribing drugs. 2.) If it just low seratonin why does SSRI's not cure OCD? A lot of people who take SSRI'S only see a mild decrease in symptoms. Even at high dosages.Im interested in the data coming out on GABA. If they can see that the brain behaves abnormal during screenings what is causing so much misfiring. Why do some people develop it as children, while others have an onset later in life? Besides Pandas. More importantly for children who contract it during strep, why does it normalize. Its weird that one bout of strep could permanently damage your brain, especially one that is still forming. I would have thought it would autocorrect. Why are more women diagnosed than men? Like I said just thinking.

I could use some advice or encouragement. I made it 33 days without a genuinely bad ocd day. Every day was hard and almost a constant battle, but I was winning those battles and refraining from going into my ocd stories for the most part. Then yesterday, after a great morning, I got triggered and decided I needed to engage an ocd story I have about the possibility that I harmed someone through negligence two years ago. I had dealt with this fear before and decided it was ocd, but it tricked me into considering it yesterday, and I spent about seven hours off and on going over the same details, trying to reassure myself I was okay. When my wife came home and I told her how bad I had done she just gave me a blank expression. I think after sixteen years of dealing with my ocd, she’s out of sympathy. But she was disappointed, I could tell. So was I. I feel so ashamed of having given in to rumination. But I still feel anxious that I need to “figure it out.” I’m just so tired of this disorder. I want to be well. I want to be my old funny self. I want to talk to people and laugh. I’m scared I’ll never get better and that I’ve ruined my kids’ lives by neglecting them to obsess. I feel so tired, alone, depressed, and hopeless.