I realized recently my intrusive thoughts have been adapting to be āmore realisticā. Iāve now become more obsessed with my life safety, work social environment, and first true love? (Apparently Iām demiromantic and he really feels like my soulmate. Iām the one not letting us be a couple for, I think a good reason, and he respects that decision.) Point is theyāre getting harder to ID as OCD, which although never stopped the intrusive thoughts, it helped me apply personal tactics Iāve learned that have alleviated some distress and prevent thought spiraling in the past. Is it possible for the thoughts to adapt like this, I canāt ID them as quick this way and get in thought spirals way too far before I realize whatās happening.
I even had a spout of my classical religious OCD thoughts, began repetitively praying āJesusā to block them out which Iām sure is a compulsion. I ended up effectively distracting myself from it, so thank God. I donāt want to go down that road again. Avoidance has been the main compulsion for the ones listed before that side tangent above, I literally was not going to my apartment for months because a neighbor had creeped me out so bad. I sorta overcame avoidance with the relationship to truthfully talk to my love, but I worry my reason for staying apart has a secret reason in thisā¦ idk. It seemed reasonable to us both?
The thoughts started targeting the guy I love even more yesterday, and I knew trying to fight them would make them worse, but I really didnāt want them anywhere near that. Somehow I got to a point where instead of the worries, I could literally feel nothing. Nothing bad but also nothing good and I thought I broke my brain and almost called a mental health hotline because I was concerned I lost my emotions forever and I wanted them all back. Even the negative ones. Luckily I had the awareness to at least try the emergency anxiety medicine my doctor gave me (even though I couldnāt feel anxiety), and I think this is what broke me out of that. But now Iām worried Iāll trigger that again.
I hesitate to self diagnose, but given my experience and past, I definitely have primarily obsessional OCD (pure O). I couldnāt tell any of the mental health professionals I saw before because I thought I was the only one like this and that if I said anything about the worse thoughts theyād take me away from family orā¦ well that they would do something, disgusted by my very existence. For a while my mom was the only one I let hear some of the worse thoughts and I swore her to secrecy about them. Luckily she had experienced some intrusive thoughts (not to my level but) with her GAD and she understood enough these were distressing things I didnāt want. But yea, Iāve been through a slew of the themes in my life. My biggest being religious OCD and OCD with sexual themes (I am aroace so the lack of sexual desire was very confusing, especially at first, and I didnāt know I was or that people could be that, so I guess my core worry became that my other forms of love ie familial, friend, etc had been secretly perverted and corrupted the whole time) Ugh.
