Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Back in October 13, 2017 which was a Friday to add I had an intrusive thought that I became obsessed with. I kept asking myself am I thinking about, if I am thinking about it so much then it must be true and I have to do the compulsion. Eventually I started taking medication and going to therapy to feel better and it worked, but I have a weird thing with the number 13 or even 31 because reverse that and that's 13 again. This has affected by love life with the amount of people I have been with, my thoughts tell me to be with someone else so it can be an even number. I do not want to do the compulsion because that means I would have to leave my current boyfriend who I love deeply. But I am scared as what if it is the only cure for my thought to go away and what if I am going crazy. I told a previous psychiatrist about the thought and they said they have never heard of that before which made me feel like more of a nut case. Also, my previous therapist got frustrated with me because I was not getting better. Makes me feel like a lost cause.

I do so much for people, I always have people in mind. My boyfriend has to keep his ex in his life because they were friends before...even though their relationship ended toxic. My first date with my new bf that I worked hard planing for weeks...his ex blew up his phone and ruined the date alllllll day long My Apt was broken into and really really important stuff was stolen and I had no time to react...before I had to be an adult and go bout life and I mean like hrs. No one showed me pitty and one girl said ah...boo... Same girl leaves her phone at someone's house and gets upset and babies...it was 8 mins away. Then I have a miscarriage and I don't get to process that I have to go straight to being away for the weekend...I'm destroyed....and can't function and just ask for extra easy from people....nothing Same girl had a pregnancy scare.....and got anxious and threw up....so she got princess treatment from people..I'm like.....fucking how... I cook for people and then they don't think to wait for me. I make people items and give trinkets....I never am thought of. I say hey let's wait for so and so....and no one waits for me. I feel so upset and alone. I feel so forgotten. And then when bad things happen everyone gets defended....till it comes to me then it's my fault and deal with it what do you want me to about it... I just want to know what it's like to be thought of.. or defended. I'm so tired. And I feel I'm getting bitter.

My mind just starts racing with thoughts all day. I overthink aswell so I just tend to sit in the thoughts and can’t escape. I mostly have thoughts that tell me I don’t like the things I do like snowboarding or backpacking or if I even if I love my girlfriend. Deep down I know I do but then I start getting worried that the more I think these things the more they come true. Then I have tons and tons of more thoughts throughout the day and it just feels like I’m constantly having anxiety and constantly battling my brain over things that don’t even make sense. I’m only 17 and this is extremely hard and I feel like I’m wasting these teenage years. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I’ve picked up reading my bible and praying more but the thoughts persist please help.

okay so i have had hocd for almost my whole life to a point where i have acted on urges. every time i would be disgusted and anxious because i know that’s not me. does anyone have any similar experiences or tips? i love my boyfriend now and rocd and hocd just came back with MOUNDS of evidence. it’s heartbreaking. all i want to do is marry my boyfriend and not have these fears!

Hi! For context: I was diagnosed with OCD late last October, I’ve had it for my entire life. At the same time I started Sertraline medication. I’m turning 22 this year, I’m finally with my long distance partner again and we are starting a new chapter. So safe to say going through a lot of changes, my family and friends are across the world from me. I’ve had so many good things happen to me after my OCD diagnosis (I’ve gone through a lot of trauma so I’m not used to good things happening to me like this) and I’m not used to feeling good. I’m constantly worried that something bad will happen and I cant stop worrying about it, even though there is no use.. Current world events are on my mind as well though I’ve decided to limit my news intake for now and focus on myself. I’m going through so many big changes right now, my body is getting used to my medication and my frontal lobe is developing so my hormones are just crazy (and I also suffer from PMDD before my periods). I just feel so different every single day and at times it feels like I dont know who I am anymore and it’s extremely strange and my ocd tries to cling onto that and tell me that something is wrong or something is about to go wrong. Does anyone have a similar experience? I feel like I’m completely alone in this

Sometimes I had some relationship OCD and then I didn’t qualify for contamination OCD however I know in relationships partners like to be close and drink out of each others cup. My partner was thirsty and getting very hot and he asked for my drink and I gave it to him he felt better and I am so beyound happy he did! I feel a lot of shame admitting this, he told me I could have my drink back and I said thank you! 😊 He noticed I didn’t drink it because in my mind it says it is contaminated and I felt extremely bad that he noticed so I got a piece of gum to distracte us I then had to spit out the gum because it wasn’t a good flavor then my brain told me well… ( Ms.OCD) said if I don’t drink it it will hurt his feelings and then that means I don’t like him and then I drink it then I spiraled from there lol 😂 I am so sorry it wasn’t a weird funny story I was wondering if anyone else can relate? I was wondering if there is any advice I can please have? Thank you so much!! Please write down something in the comments if you are struggling because I want to help you all as well!! Thank you!!

Does anyone else experience ocd around the topic of non monogamy and hookup culture and stuff? Im not hating people who are into these things, intact I thinks it great that people have ways of experiencing relationships how they want to and I will always support and advocate for that, but non monogamy and hookup culture is not for me. However because its not for me and I really don't want to partake in any of these things by brain keeps telling me things like: 1. Monogamy is toxic and fake and polyamory is the only real way to have relationships 2. I secretly want non monogamy and casual relationship 3. I'm experiencing these feelings because im a bigot 4. Everyone's involved in non monogamy in some for these days even if its things like open relationships, threesomes etc so monogamy will become rare and you will never have a relationship Those are just some of the thoughts but I have many more. Like I said I'm supportive of people who engage in those things, but I don't want it and I feel as though I can't justify my reasons why I don't want it and that I'm a fake or a bigot. I'm constantly googling "benefits of monogamy" "why monogamy is better" etc to justify to myself why I want what i want. My googling is so obsessive though and I'm up all night doing it and watching videos and things. I can't sleep because of my worries. Everytime I see anything, anywhere relating to non monogamy wheather that be open relationships, polyamory, threesomes etc I feel so sick In my stomach, my anxiety sky rockets and I just want to cry, it's how I am with seeing gay relationship and things with my sexual orientation ocd. (I feel the same when I things about hookups and stuff too). It's like a voice in my head is going "see it's working for these people, you actually want it, your lying if you don't". I have thousands of screenshots of articles and posts that's reassure me about my wants but my ocd always makes be doubt myself. I need some advice on how to deal with it, because im at breaking point and feel like a horrible person. I also want to know if anyone else is dealing with what I'm going through.

I am recently 30 and just went through a very painful breakup after a pregnancy loss. I am horribly obsessing over the fact that my chance of having a family is over. I think about how long it’ll take me to heal, meet someone, have a relationship, and then start a family… I think I’ll be too old. I already feel too old. I think about how my chance of the only thing I’ve ever truly wanted is completely gone. What if the lost pregnancy was a sign that I’ll never have kids. What if I will never be able to feel the same way. All of the firsts are gone. I’ll never experience those things again. What if my future partner resents me for having those firsts already. All of my friends have kids and I already feel like I’m behind. I feel guilty that my grandmother won’t get to see her grandkid have a family, I feel guilty that if I do have kids in the future that I’ll end up being an old mom and not be able to keep up. I couldn’t tell you the last time I wasn’t thinking about how I’m failing everyone bc of the relationship that ended. I lost a huge part of me and that ended my relationship so what if I have another loss and end up with another partner that can’t look at me the same. Is there anyone that can help me see light after going through all of this? Positive words from moms that had kids after 30? I don’t know.

Hi everyone :) I'm fighting with false memory/real event ocd right now and I just need somebody to be completely honest with me. Last year i met a new colleague and she's gorgeous. I was feeling a little self conscious about my looks but it wasn't like I couldn't stand her or anything. I tend to always compare my bf to other boyfriends and when she showed me her bf I THINK (i'm not sure) my head went "oh oh what if he's better looking. What if you'd rather have a bf like him than yours? " but also statements and not only "What ifs". I remember liking talking to her because she's a very good listener but she told me that she knew her now boyfriend while she was with her ex still and they met each other again through friends and she broke up with her ex back then because he was kind of toxic. This was a huge trigger for me too. And she's like 4 years younger than me, you could tell by the way she was acting and no offense but i was just not fully vibing with her. Now my head keeps telling me that I didn't want to stay in contact with her because I thought that her bf is better looking than my bf I have to hide my bf WHICH DOESNT MAKE SENSE I LITERALLY SHOWED HER PICTURES OF MY BF. I love my boyfriend so much it make me sick to my stomach to even think about this being true. Am I an as*hole?

My SOOCD has been pretty loud lately and the fact that everytime I go out with mu friends I feel like I cant relate to their stories but everytime I go on reddit (I know it a compulsion) and read the responds to "how did you know you were a lesbian" and feel like I cant relate doesnt help at all. I was doing really well and even tho the thoughts were there I was happy with my bf. The onlu thing that bothered me is that I felt like I wouldnt be mad if he broke up with me were as if I imagine it with a women I feel like mu heart would be broken and that I would finally understadn what my friends go through... so yeah that's a pretty big thing because I know that a lot of therapist (and lesbian) say that if you can move on easily from someone its that you never loved them. And honeslty I have a pretty anxious attachment style so usually I would have to be more heartbroken than other if that were to happen with me and I would have to be scared and jealous during my relationship, which I am not. and I know its healther that way but is it real? Im soo lost, Im shaking I just wanna cry and im sure that sociatal pressure and the fact that I do not have a lot of queer friends are making this even harder. I just dont want to realise in 20 years that all of this was fake and right now it feels like it is and im just convincing myself to stay. Also ive been on birth control for 10+ years and I heard that a lot of women who stopped it started geing with women and did not feel any attraction whatsoever to men. And it also feels like if I were to ever try woth women I would never go back to men. and that its only fear thats stopping me... Idk if its soocd or not but it doesnt feel like it. I know Im all over the place but if anyone relates or could give some advice it would be great thank you!

i want to mention first i have rocd (i think) for over a year and i obsess very severely over the faft that i live mg bf or not. i realised that i find him annoying and cringe sometimes and thats just his humor. i used to not have a problem either that. I have moments when i lought with him because of him, but sometimes, especially when i feel anxiety every thing he says and does is cringe and annoying to me. For example in the mornings he is a little “funny” and says random stuff and bacause he has vacation rn he woke up later then me, he usually wakes up later then me, and i had a thought that i dont want him to wake up bc he is hoinv to annoy me. im scared i dont like him and i dont apreciate who he is. why foni like him? i dont even know.. we make 2 yrs in april. i hate how i feel. i feel so bad.. what if he is not for me. i feel bad. these thoughts feel real, im scared i just dint want to accept the truth, i dont know if this post is a compulsion bc i want a reaponse from someone but i feel siper bad

Medication for OCD? Hello all, 19 male here, this seems like a cool community that isn’t nearly as triggering as reddit. I have pretty severe bouts of existential thinking or fear of going crazy ( psychosis ) after some pretty heavy mushroom trips a few years ago, I know logically I should be fine but I do know what it’s like to lose it and it’s scary. Currently I deal with relationship focused OCD, it’s all day from before I even open my eyes. I want things to work out with my girlfriend badly. Also I can come close to a panic attack sometimes which perpetuates everything. Anyway, I mention the fear of going crazy because the way my anxiety/derealization makes me feel is that I’m not mentally stable cause I feel out of it or unreal. I saw that a lot of anxiety and depression medication can cause psychosis and I feel like I could use some help in getting ahead of my OCD because the compulsions are had not to give into when I’m in such distress/not knowing. Plus overall I just feel like I have no idea how I feel about close to anything. Anyone relate about that ?

The 13th of January was when I first started experiencing Rocd. I’ve been with my amazing boyfriend for 9 months. Never had a doubt before. I was literally looking at wedding dresses and couldn’t be happier. I ALSO had been going cold turkey off of my lexepro for a month and a half (I’ve been on ssris since I was 6, I’m 19 now). One day it was like something had possessed me. Like I was fighting the urge to literally break up with my boyfriend. Thoughts flooded my mind. “I don’t love him” “you need to leave”. Of course, I was freaked out. This has been my longest, and ONLY healthy relationship I’ve been in. I never was able to get past the infatuation stage, since either my exes would break up with me, or I’d have to distance myself for my mental health. I love this man. And literally have grown so much since I’ve been with him. He’s been nothing but patient though out this. Which shows me even more tjay I love him. But at last, even though I’m not as anxious anymore. I still have thoughts. “What if I don’t love him” “Am I too young to know what love is, like everyone says” “what if my body is trying to tell me something”. They’re tolerable. But damn. I just want peace sometimes. Can I get any tips from people who have recovered from Rocd. Because I have committed to loving this man for the rest of my life, but I sometimes lose hope that this won’t go away

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? Can someone help me because I'm really hopeless?

I’ve been struggling with something that’s been really overwhelming, and I’m hoping to get some perspective from others here. I feel a lot of guilt about it, and I’m not sure if I’m alone in this experience. Lately, I’ve found myself daydreaming about romantic situations or getting caught up in ‘what if’ scenarios—where I wonder if I could develop feelings for someone else, or if someone develops feelings for me. The thing is, I’m in a relationship that I love, and I don’t want to act on these thoughts at all. What makes it even harder is that these thoughts often hyperfixate on one specific friend, and sometimes they feel entertaining or give me a dopamine rush. But then, of course, I feel even more guilty because it makes me feel like I’m betraying my boyfriend. These thoughts usually happen when I’m upset and looking for comfort, but then they morph into romantic scenarios, which makes me feel so disloyal. I’m constantly going back and forth between feeling curious or entertained by the thoughts and then feeling horrible for even allowing them to happen in the first place. I keep confessing these thoughts to my boyfriend, and he tries to be understanding. He’s just never been the type to daydream, so he doesn’t know if this is something other people experience or if it’s just me. I feel like such an awful girlfriend. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

Hi everyone :) My name is Ezzy, joining from Germany. I've always had OCD since I was a little kid (I'm 23 now). Since I'm in my first real relationship for over two years, my OCD decided to cling onto it. I struggle A LOT with false memory ocd too. The thing I wanted to talk about today is about false memory OCD too I think but I'm really not sure. But I want to accept the fact that yes, maybe it did happen the exact same way. But I feel nauseous accepting it. Last year in August I think I met a new colleague and she is GORGEOUS!! She showed me her boyfriend and my head immediately started comparing her bf to mine. The part which I am very unsure about is that I got envious of her boyfriend. Now as much as I remember I never had that problem before but my head keeps telling me that this definitely happened. Let's say it did happen, how can I cope with this? I feel disgusting even thinking about this. Please tell me how to deal with this. I don't want to confess to my boyfriend but it feels so wrong not to. Thank You in advance ❤️

i don't think i ever felt this bad before. ive had ocd since i was 14 or so, almost a decade, but now it's truly the worst it's ever been. i can't even enjoy being with the love of my life anymore, everything about our intimacy triggers me, im costantly afraid that i abused her in some way and that she doesn't remember because she's in denial, or im always terrified im having some horrible intentions towards her and that i always end up forgetting them. it's so deeply confusing, she seems so happy being with me she says she loves me so much and i can see it in how she looks at me, but i feel like a monster. most of the time i wish she could find someone better, if she asked me j would break up with her and do anything in my power to make her have the life she deserves. i don't know what to do anymore im exhausted. therapy is not helping at all, i Just get told constantly that i shouldnt think about these things, that its illogical, and it does nothing for me.

I saw someone mention mental arousal, what does that mean in terms of sex? Is that thinking “oh I really wanna kiss him, I wanna hold his ____. I want to feel him on top of me”? Is it the liking the sex mentally? And then the body physically reacts? I’m worried I’ve only felt the mental and then the physical was forced/I don’t want sex once we start going even tho I did like 10 seconds prior I only feel that before sex/during dirty talk and it makes me wanna kiss him. During sex my head is kinda blank and I’m focusing on the sensations of him touching me. Which I think is normal. I don’t really fantasize during sex. Ig mental arousal would also just be general fantasies from dirty talk and seeing a photo of him shirtless right? Just the thought of it used to get me going but I wouldn’t think of any specific thing tho. Just using the picture. If I wanted a specific scenario I’d start thinking then texting him about it and him building on it and him getting aroused got me going more idk if just me thinking about it ever got me off? Sometimes the fantasies made me really horny but I wasn’t in a place I could do anything. Which I think just means I was aroused physically and mentally so clearly no issue here idk why I panicked. I’m worried I’m no longer mentally or physically aroused by him cuz I don’t feel any of that lately cuz I’m so fioefioeif I’m worried I only feel it for women. I’m bi so technically not an issue but I don’t wanna be thinking about anyone else (mainly friends) like that which is why I’m so uncomfortable but just in general the thought of having a sex with a woman is not appealing to me right now or at all cuz I am dating a wonderful man but that makes me worry I’m pushing down smthn and just denying it. Anyways. Ramble done

(what i'm going to say here may not make sense to many, but i want to hear words from real people, i'm tired of searching in the GPT chat) since i was a teenager i have developed certain "fetishisms" with the theme of incest (specifically between cousins), because there was an episode in my childhood that marked me enough for this to happen. i remember consuming a lot of this content (in stories or videos), because i felt a groin sensation (or i was genuinely arroused). i never actually felt mental and moral approval for it, for obvious reasons. i knew it was wrong! but i consumed it because of the feeling..it vaguely reminds me that i didn't feel guilty or anything like that, because unfortunately it's a very commonplace topic and a very collective experience, this "contact" between cousins, however wrong it may be. i recognized that this feeling was wrong, so i simply stopped wanting to have contact with it when i reached a certain age where i was already sufficiently aware of its harmfulness. but now, suffering from these pedophilic-themed thoughts, i realized that the "groinal feeling" i have when these thoughts come to my head, It's the same one i had when i thought about this incestuous theme with my cousin. this made me a little desperate, i went to GPT to look for a plausible answer to this.. i basically said that thoughts about my cousin didn't make me as desperate and agonized as these pedophilic thoughts, and i had the moral conscience behind it, although harmful, it was not AS sick as pedophilia. today i relapsed into pornography again, but i think it was a form of compulsion, perhaps.. i know that my thoughts regarding pedophilia are completely ego-dystonic, because i don't want them. but i don't know, a professional will give my final verdict. I just know that today I researched pornography with an incestuous theme and despite the physiological reaction, i couldn't feel any kind of adrenaline or pleasure in my brain. none. could it have been a compulsion? idk. i don't know anything else.

I'm 18, and been in a relationship with my man for nearly 2 years. I started living with him around 2 months ago, and all I do is think about if he's cheating. We were long distance for a year and a half of our relationship, maybe seeing eachother once every month or two. I decided to move in with him, and ever since all I can think about is if he's cheating or watching porn. When he's in another room I think he's doing something wrong, I have to check on him every ten minutes to ease my anxiety. I didn't have this problem before moving in. Granted he has talked to some girls on his phone, even having his ex on his phone (didn't do anything bad) and he is porn addicted though he is getting better for me. It's gotten so bad I want to leave him. A couple days ago I broke up with him and it absolutely broke my heart, I couldn't bare it so I gave him a month to show me he can do better, and for me to work on myself. If I'm still unhappy with us I'm going to leave. I love this boy more than anything. I'm scared to be without him, this is my first real relationship. At this point I refuse to even sleep until he is sleeping. I don't want to start over, I don't want to leave him, but I really can't take this pain it's causing me. It's all I think about. I've convinced myself so many times that he's cheating, but I know he wouldn't. I question whether it's anxiety or intuition. Maybe I just know deep down he really is cheating and I just don't want to believe it. I don't know. I don't think he would do that, but at the same time he's really into women. I hate that he looks at other girls in a sexual way, it bothers me so much, and we talk about it often, but with it being an addiction it's difficult. He has gotten a lot better since we have talked about it. He understands I have an issue and is usually happy to talk about it over and over and promise me over and over that he's not cheating. He allows me to have his phone whenever I want and everything, I have no reason to think he's cheating, but I can't get over it. It's not fair to him either. How do I deal with this? How do I stop hurting so much?