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What if I’m a lesbian? What if I need to leave my bf because I secretly like girls? Am I loosing feelings for my boyfriend? I didn’t want to make out the other night, do I secretly think he’s gross? Did I ever even like him in the first place? Are things getting stale?

I am young but when I was younger I used to do bad perverted things with other females before I gave my life to Christ. So passing those years and coming to now I have already told my momma about how much trauma those experiences brought me. But when I was in 7th grade I started having bad and perverted thoughts about everyone I see but this was a little before me meeting christ but I kept seeing people and then thinking of then naked or me seeing them doing things with me or me thinking I like them/have a crush on them but the thing is I don't like them and I hated those thoughts, I knew they were wrong and they were disgusting and I hated them so fast forward to me finding christ in the summer of me going to 8th grade, My life got better I got away from bullies and started online school but the one thing that didn't stop Is the perverted thoughts I kept going on and on about how much I love God and I still do but the thing is I kept thinking these things then rebuking them but then I thought about them again and they came back and it has been weighing in my back so I told my mom my testimony about how I found Christ and what I used to do and she was very understanding and loving about it so fast forward to now or a little after the school year ended I started going through serious mental and religious stress where I felt like I had to stope talking to my friend so is started doubting God instead of seeking him I continuously felt hopeless like I should quit or I should just not be here anymore because I felt hopeless like I had no love or the God I grew so fond of wasnt loving like I thought but I got over that so fast forward to know a month after All of that started I keep telling my mom about everything even the small little details and I've been feeling good about it but the thing Is I tell her things but then I feel like it's not enough and I have to tell her more so coming back to the perverted thoughts they never stopped and I told my mom about them and I told her specifically that I keep having perverted thoughts about everybody I keep thinking about nakedness or I keep thinking I like them but then I rebuke it but they keep coming back and my mom felt very stressed with me because along with all the work that she does she has to deal with me and no she didn't mean that in a bad way but with me she said she feels like everything she is doing for me isn't enough because I keep continuously feeling her more and more and more and she feels like all that she is doing her prayer, her hugs, her love and her messages aren't working because I keep telling her more and more and more bad but never about me being better and that was yesterday she also says when she is at work she can't help but think about me and if I'm still here or if I'm breaking down or if something is happening so she is constantly worried and it us causing her serious stress and I feel bad and yesterday was just a bad day for her period, but that was yesterday and today I keep feeling like what I told her about my mind and the thoughts isn't enough I keep feeling like I have to tell her more like the exact people and I don't want to anymore and what i mean by that Is I feel like I have to go into detail and I have to tell her every little spell and dust about the situation and it is stressing me out because I genuinely feel like I have said enough like I feel like I need to tell her the exact people and yes I've had thoughts like this about family also but the thing is I told her everybody I see and I feel like that is enough but I feel like everytime I tell her something it has to be in perfect detail and I have to tell her every little thing or else what I told her ain't credible and I see that that has been negatively impacting me and her because it's making her feel like she isn't doing enough for me or she is being a bad mother because of all that Is happening and the fact that I have to tell her ever little detail and it's hurting me because I feel like I don't want to go into detail because im not comfortable but if I don't I feel like I'm failing my mom and God and I don't know what to do anymore does anyone have anything to help me with about this from a Christian perspective?

i can’t stop thinking. this theme has gotten so much worse like it’s really bothering me. i can’t stop ruminating of what i’ve done when i was younger, all of these that i regret and the things i wish i could change. i wish i was a normal girl. porn just really ruined everything.

Been struggling with my OCD, ruminating and compulsive behavior. I was watching a video from a podcast called “Cumtown”. One of the hosts, Nick Mullen, was talking about his childhood, being what one would call “troubled kid”. Purposely taking magnets, putting them on the computer screen to damage them and then blaming the mentally disabled kid in the classroom. Awful, right? Well then he talked about a time that he saw two kids playing “titanic” which involved them going to a tent and being unseen by other kids. One kid happened to peek into the tent and turned with a look of horror. Then immediately went to a teacher and told him, then the teacher walked progressively quick to the tent and separated the boy from the girl. Nick, jumping to conclusions and laughing, assumed that “the boy must have been molesting the girl if he had to be separated like from the teacher.” Then afterwards one the hosts asked Nick Mullen, if “he’d ever molested?” To which he responded “… I mean don’t think so, just a kid older than me sucked my dick once…” then laughing uncomfortable. This video really triggered my OCD so hard with images of every situation that Nick Mullen talked about. Of course, how would have I known that Nick would have been so dark about certain situations, however the fact that my brain could picture the things going on with his story really took my OCD to 8/10 in stress. It’s very difficult to cope at the moment and I am doing my exercises to diminish the stress, disgust and anxiety of this situation. I am just having a bad week with OCD and I am not coping well with it, plus I am 10 months sober, so I am dealing with sobriety as well. I am just overwhelmed with anxiety and stress. I don’t know what to do.

I had a job opportunity come up and the owners of the place are a lesbian couple and that is making me freak and feel concerned about moving forward with this job. my ocd is telling me all sorts of things like that i want to work there BECAUSE of that or that i find the more masculine one attractive. i’m truly spiraling. i don’t know what to do my ocd just keeps telling me it’s true and it worries me that i don’t have ocd and i then worry because i love my boyfriend and it’s just so much.

found messages of me and my ex bsf (she’s 2 years below me in grade, two and a half years younger) from 4 years ago of us saying sexual flirtatious things to each other and also sexual jokes. at the time we were two years apart. when i found this i thought i should just take myself out. i feel as though i am a p, i am my biggest fear now. i feel as though i cannot live with myself. im trying to tell myself i was young and we were both young but im scared i groomed her or something. also i just got so disgusted and in fear that this may get out (i told my friend about this and he said im not weird and to stop worrying about it) but im scared i will be called a p and have the label stamped on me. i do not want to be one. i don’t want to even be here anymore.

Every few months (3-4) I have a flare up of my sexual orientation OCD, but during the periods in between those flare ups I still get the thoughts every day I just don’t have horrible anxiety and I’m able to brush them off better. Is this still OCD? When it first happened it was 24/7 for around three or four months, then got a bit better, but still was there in the background. This has been the case for the last ten years— it has never fully gone away, it’s just been in the back of my head. I’ve never forgotten that I’m afraid of being a lesbian, but there are periods where I’m so anxious I consider suicide. I’m too afraid to do therapy because I think I will come out of it as a lesbian. Please, someone engage.

[TW: Sexual trauma, fetishes and kinks, POCD, guilt and mentions of suicidal thoughts] I've been hit hard with a variation of my OCD theme (POCD woo 🙄). And I've been researching and seeking reassurance like there's no tomorrow. I was doing so good, but then OCD grabbed the reigns and bam! What I'm dealing with is a combination of my OCD, my childhood trauma, and my sexuality and fetishes. And these are fetishes I can't deny I have, but I don't want them! My OCD is royally messing with me as it's not so much, "I'm afraid I'll be attracted to thos thing" but more of "you're attracted to this thing so what do you'd like this messed illegal thing! Or what if you have looked at a messed up illegal thing and are going to jail! And no one will love you! And your life is over!" Etc. It hurts so bad, I wish my trauma didn't give me the fetishes and kinks I like. But I understand it's a normal way the brain helps you deal with stuff. It's been so hard and so scary. I hate that I am a sexual being at all. For crying out loud I've never even had a first kiss let alone literally anything more than that! I feel dirty, guilty and ashamed. I am seeing a trauma and sex therapist to help me process this stuff. But of course OCD being the attention hog is like "Lemme squeeze in here and just totally ruin your day!" Because god knows it never gets enough attention 🙄 I feel like if I have desires or things I like that are too messed up what's the point of me being alive of most everyone would call me a perverted monster. I don't want anyone to get hurt in real life. I don't want to hurt anyone. If my sexuality is demented and there's nothing I can do about it, how long could I live with myself carrying this awful secret? I need help, not reassurance, but how the hell do I practice radical acceptance with this???

I’ve never worried about this in all of my SOOCD and ROCD journey. Suddenly I am PANICKING about how birth control impacts sexual orientation / attraction. I’ve been on it since I was 17 and am now 23. What if I go off of it and suddenly am attracted to women or no longer attracted to my boyfriend? I got into a hole with some googling. Ugh has anyone related to this? I could use some advice 😭😭😭

MAN this shit is so convincing. (tw: paragraph below mentions something potentially triggering!) So, while I was still in the worst of my OCD (currently in recovery), I heard that ‘people who are actually gay are able to stop thinking about their sexuality.’ Well, lo and behold, being in recovery means that I don’t always think about it. My coworker told me I seemed gay the other day (dude, mind your own business 🙄) and I’ve been spiraling since. I fit into a lot of bi stereotypes, am friends with a lot of queer people, and often worry that my attraction to men is too superficial. I have a feeling that a lot of that is because I’m neurodivergent, but I worry that I’m just making excuses. Since I’m in recovery, the compulsions aren’t TOO bad— just ruminating and some checking behaviors— but I am genuinely worrying so much that I’m nauseous. I seriously feel like it might be real at this point. I don’t expect reassurance here. I just wanted to vent, because I know you guys will understand.

When i was 16 I had the worst SO-OCD episode. At that time i had NO idea that what I was going through was OCD and that my problem actually had a name. Well, because i didnt know it was ocd i was so confused that i thought that I was actually going through a questioning or orientation discovering crisis. I remember how i used to put labels on me (but never told anyone) and I remember how none of those sexuality labels fit me. Each one of them made me uncomfortable or i was still doubting and questioning if this is really me. Then I signed up on one lgbt site. And i started to ask some people that what do they think about me. I do remember that i was so upset that i told myself “okay, maybe im bisexual”. But i wasnt satisfied either. I was still doubting like “is this really me? Really?” Anyway i had to get this off my chest. Maybe this is reassurance seeking but can anxiety make u feel like u are attracted?😔 because i think i was going through that phase back then….that i felt like what if im actually attracted to them. Also, i dont know if im the only one who experience this but now idk why my mind tells me “you know you are gay and u will be gay after recovery or you know you have attraction for same sex you just deny it” and then it actually makes me feel like its true😔 But i dont think that is what my heart really wants.

Should you never answer the triggering questions that arise from triggering experiences? The questions that OCD ask, or better, the answers that it demands? That make you want to review the memory of that trigger and give it a solution an answer. Like yesterday I had a very triggering thought process and I needed to review it, to understand what it really meant, if they were real thoughs or OCD's, if I liked those thoughts or they were just hypotethical etc. but at the end I didn't do it as a challenge. So should we ignore the calls in any circumstance even if they are really important? Even if the answers to that questions could actually be positive? Even if the triggering that happened doesn't feel like a lie from OCD but something that seems very true and real? That seems so real that there is no space for the hypothesis of an intrusive thought? Even if you feel like maybe you could have been attracted, and that feeling felt so true and real that it is undistinguishable, that you can't even reassure yourself thinking that it was just triggering, should we deny the call still? Should we allow uncertainty to be even if it doesn't feel like it is actually uncertain? maybe it is distorsted in our mind and we think that we're attracted when we are not. Maybe it's because we are so deep in this theme that everything, like attraction, feels very realistic, but it is not actually real.

Guys i feel like struggling with this on and off for 6 years makes me actually believe that this is not OCD and im just going through sexuality crisis or discovery phase😔

Well I haven’t been diagnosed with ocd, but I have had themes in the past (health, and sexuality, as well as magical thinking) and to be honest if you were to ask me in april-may I would’ve told you that im super confident this is ocd. Now, I just don’t know, I know I shouldn’t be asking here and telling strangers to diagnose me and that I should go see a psychiatrist instead and I will soon enough. These Violent Thoughts have not gone away, only my emotions have. Thankfully I think I can classify the thoughts as intrusive (altough I think I involuntarily bring them up) and not ideation, but this again comes to me feeling numb, I think this is depression, but I just feel like I just don’t care anymore about anything. Just typing that I feel like I don’t care but also makes my stomach feel a little wierd. Recently I feel so off, Brain fog, and constant headaches on the back and top of my head, I don’t know if this is psychosis, dissociation, or a brain tumor. I don’t drink nor do I smoke and I’m glad I don’t but it makes me wonder what is the root of these mental problems I’m currently having. But it’s also bad because when people try to give me supportive words and advice, I cant feel anything when they do. I know that I’m not myself in the moment, and that I desperately need help. I’m sorry for those who have suicidal thoughts or ocd, but I wish my thoughts were more about myself rather then others (again sorry if you’re dealing with this and I hope you recover from these thoughts) and only two of my friends know what I’m going trough, and a few online strangers. I haven’t told my family because the fear of how they’ll view me on my thoughts. I just never thought that I would hit a mental health crisis when I’m about to be 18 going to college. I’m desperately trying to find a job so I could pay for a psychiatrist on my own. I think though I’ll ask my college to see if they have any there. I do want to get better and be normal like other people, but sometimes I wish I was just dead. Sorry for the long rant but this is the truth on how I’m feeling

I tried talking to my mom and we did it on a phone call so it was even harder to get my point across but I don’t even know what my point was , the whole conversation was confusing and it seems like she thinks OCD can just be thought through and I was gonna share some of my thoughts with her but they’re so bad I don’t know what she’ll say or how she’ll treat me I feel like I literally have no one and that I deserve it and every night I’m crying cuz it hurts in my head to be in my head Like some of my thoughts are that I’m a p-file or that I’m gonna get graped if I don’t sleep on one side through out the night or maybe since I’m 16 I’m gonna drive into the highway when I get my license and it’s all very hard

People usually say on every podcast I’ve listened to that their ocd says “what if they are gay” but deep down they don’t think they are. For me it’s I think I am I don’t want to be because I love my boyfriend and want to Be with him and don’t want to be with a girl. but I don’t know. One thing I do know is that I don’t want to be. Is this the same? I don’t have a knowing anymore that I’m actually straight. Can anyone relate?

I have a question. I feel like im convinced now that i do not need any treatment or visit a psychologist/therapist. I do have thoughts like : 1.) i just manipulated people around me into believing that i have HOCD and in reality I do not have it??? 2.) I even manipulated myself and made myself believe that i do have OCD, but in reality i do not. 3.) That i do not need any treatment, because RIGHT NOW i feel okay. That im not OCD enough. Not sick enough. Not anxious enough. Not feeling bad enough. Thoughts that therapist would be unnecessary for me. Or that therapist wouldnt even believe me that i have an issue. And sometimes it even makes me laugh when i think about it. Like why the fuck do I laugh? Ive been trough a hard times, so why this response?? My question is : Is this another OCD trick to not get any better? Or am I creating another reality for myself that this whole time this was just a whole big lie and i do not have OCD? Even though my diary is full of my repetitive thoughts. Again and again the same ones. So I HAVE LITERALLY AN EVIDENCE THAT THIS IS OCD CYCLE. Whats going on with me? Am I crazy?

I'm afraid that I'm just in denial. It seems to be the most reasonable and obvious answer. I tried to rationalise these previous triggering episodes, what happened july 5th. I'm afraid that I might have felt attraction. Did I even get triggered? I know I ruminated about it, but I might have ruminated because I'm in denial and I was trying to justifying myself. I'm practicing ERP but I feel guilty.

how do i deal with extreme guilt over arousal feelings towards something i had as a kid? i feel like i still have those feelings now but i’m realizing now that the topic i had arousal feelings towards was very strange and abnormal. i even used to look up videos of it. it’s not an inappropriate thing to watch but having feelings of arousal to it without realizing that it’s weird is giving me immense guilt. i know people who have done worse things than what i’m so worried about and they’re living their lives happily, so why is it so hard for me to? i feel like these arousal feelings taint my character and make me a bad person. i was googling and reading that feelings of arousal towards something doesn’t necessarily go away and that’s also sending me into a spiral. i kept googling the same topic as mine or taboo/worse topics people have had feelings of arousal over and it just made me feel worse as a lot of people were shamed for it. also i’m sorry i was very vague on the actual topic, but i feel too embarrassed and uncomfortable to say it.

NSFW One of my compulsions is m-sturbation and I struggle with it here and there. Literally most of the time this compulsion is done is to get rid of groinal responses or the intrusive thoughts. but the compulsion itself is bad, and sometimes I think of really bad taboo thoughts and it gets me to finish but afterwards i feel very disgusted and shameful. i think these thoughts because i noticed they get me to finish way faster and im trying to look for a solution. i hate this so much because i know its wrong and i know it gives me temporary relief but thats the only “immediate” solution i guess. i feel like this makes me different. like something is ACTUALLY wrong with me. the taboo ranges from family, animals, trauma. how do i get out of this cycle. i feel disgusting and i feel as though this compulsion means im more likely to act this stuff out.