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I’m wondering if I’m alone I have harm OCD I get intrusive thoughts of hurting my mom but when I tell her to hide the knife I get this urge to find a knife I hope I’m not the only one I’m getting very scared of OCD

Hi, I’ve really been struggling lately with my OCD and depression. I’ve been wanting to talk to my parents more about what I’ve been experiencing, they have always been great sources of support in the past. They understand that I struggle with depression and some sort of anxiety but I don’t think they really understand what ocd. I am very bad at explaining these sorts of things and was wondering if anyone has any advice about how I could explain this to them, or if they know of any good educational materials that do a good job explaining what ocd is. Thank you for reading.

I have recently started a new job and i have a male colleague. I am so convinced i have a new “crush” on him but i have a boyfriend. I find myself sometimes looking for him and my heart will drop if i was to see him. I’m hoping this anxiety is because i don’t want to have a crush on him. I don’t know if this is my rocd or not. Is it possible for my ocd to convince me i like him and that results in me wanting to be near him even though i love my boyfriend so much. I don’t think i can carry this guilt anymore and i have been considering breaking up with him as i feel like such an awful person. I don’t know what to do i feel so upset

I’ve posted recently about how my boyfriend Is on a trip for the weekend and I’m really struggling with him gone. I don’t want to be toxic or controlling but I’m having a hard time and wanted him to text me updates about what he’s doing. Im upset he isn’t texting me updates but im not going to tell him because I don’t wanna be toxic and I just am curious of any advice to get more comfortable with him being away and anything to distract me or how to handle it. Me and my ex broke up a few months after he went on a trip and ghosted me for a week (and things went downhill from there) so it might have something to do with that. But anyways a big obsession of mine is worrying that im manipulative or toxic or too hard on him/have too high of expectations (because my same ex couldn’t live up to my standards so I broke up w him) and my mom sometimes makes me feel like I’m too hard on him so how can I avoid doing something that could make him feel bad or like I’m too clingy but also calming myself down. Sorry that was so long winded lol. Any advice helps!

I visited her over the summer and I had the best time but before I went back I started feeling numb and dissociated. Like I had no feelings, I am back at school and I feel the same way worse even. I feel nothing, I have thoughts like I don’t love her anymore and I feel urges to break up. I have been fantasizing about someone and anytime I see that person my brain is telling me to check if she is pretty, staring at her. I also feel attracted to most girls, I have thoughts that I should experience college life even though deep down I know I don’t want to. It is so difficult because I feel nothing to what my girlfriend says, all I could say is that I am sorry. Even when I say that I struggle to, my mind makes me think I don’t want to be be back to normal and it feels so real it is scary. The same thing happened last year too. I got to school and I started fantasizing about being with someone else, I followed that person and once I knew she didn’t have any interest I was back to sort of normalcy. I don’t know what to do. It is overwhelming. Anyone else feeling like this or have experienced this?

This is my first post on here. My friend recommend the app after I shared my struggles with OCD. I’ve been battling with many forms of OCD since I was 13 (perfectionist OCD, harm OCD, intrusive thoughts, hypochondria). I’m 29 now and feel like the mental health system has failed me. That’s a whole different story but recently I feel like OCD is coming back into my life. I recently began working as a student teacher in a kindergarten classroom and I’m also a graduate student working on my masters degree. My OCD was once so severe that the anxiety it gave me sent me to multiple psych wards and put my life on hold. That was 10 years ago. I feel like it’s coming back again and that scares me. Lately, the OCD that I’ve been experiencing is related to having to have everything be perfect. In particular, having to wear eyeglasses is really really bothering me. It might be a sensory thing too. I was diagnosed with severe dry eyes and can no longer wear contacts. It’s the silliest thing but I’m always thinking about it to the point where I’ll cry because the stress I inflict upon myself is so burdensome. I hate how I look in glasses and they just bother me so much I can’t focus on teaching or school work. If I forget to bring something with me to school I’ll fixate on that constantly throughout the day. I know it’s stupid and you just have to go with the flow but things bother me so much that it really does put me in a state of distress. I’m not sure how this app works but I’m really looking to find solidarity here in addition to coping skills that I haven’t been able to get from my therapist (I’m considering switching to someone who has experience with OCD). Right now I’d say my OCD is a 7/10 on a scale where 10 is completely crippling and you can’t function. I’m nervous as my responsibilities increase, my OCD symptoms will worsen. What has helped anyone who is experiencing a similar situation? Thank you!

I’ve struggled with OCD for most of my life, but was only recently formally diagnosed this year. I had already been previously diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and depression before then. I (very stupidly) decided to apply for a graduate school in my state because there was scholarship funds available. Essentially, I received the scholarship and now have a full ride to complete a graduate certificate program (5 3 credit hour classes with a 6 hour research project requirement) and it’s all online. Since starting, I’ve several panic attacks and I cry most days. I found a stress rash on my arm last night, which hasn’t happened in years. I dread waking up in the morning because I know I have school work to do, on top of my full time (40 hr/week) job. It took me 3 hours to write one discussion post this weekend, because I couldn’t stop rereading it and finding things I wanted to change. I have to make 7 posts total this week, so spending that much time on each post just isn’t feasible on top of all the other work I have to do for the course. I’m only taking one class at a time, meaning I won’t be done until the end of summer 2025 at the earliest. I feel so pathetic and weak that I can’t handle this program, but the more caught up I feel like I get, the more that’s assigned and the farther behind I get. On top of that, I am struggling with the reading requirements. I have trouble digesting anything I read and often get distracted. I found out that most of grad school is reading. I just don’t think I’m cut out for it. I think I need to drop the program, but feel ashamed and that everyone will think I’m lazy. My boss wrote me a letter of recommendation to attach to my scholarship application, so I’d have to tell him I’m dropping out and I will be so humiliated. I also feel like I’ll be losing out on opportunities in the future if I don’t just suck it up and complete the program. I’m just so tired and wish I wouldn’t have even applied for the scholarship and put myself in this position. I don’t know what the right thing to do is.

I have been having suicidal thoughts for more a week now. I have plan it and I don’t have a lot of will to live. I want to get though this but it is really hard to even sit in classes. All I am thinking about is do I want to die should I tell people I love them and like write letters. I had therapy today but it didn’t really help just said a lot of the same things I already know. I try texting 988 yesterday and it help a little. But everyone thinks it just ocd thoughts but idk

hi! i am a week into my freshman year of college, and i just realized that a lot of my anxiety is actually stemming from my OCD. for example, i am obsessing over school and completing work, and each time i finish/give into compulsions, there is something new that i obsess over. i am having issues with sleeping because of this, and was wondering if anyone knew how to help.

hello, I’m a young adult with extreme ocd that I’ve been struggling with since I was little it’s to the point where things like walking eating writing or driving has become almost an impossible task. how do some of you try to differ your ocd thoughts? even when I try to ignore them I’ll have panic attacks until I go back and do whatever my brain is telling me. I feel helpless my doctor has told me I have the worst case of ocd she’s ever seen and she “doesn’t know what to do with me” I’m just starting to feel hopeless

It has been a hard night. I feel like my whole life I have been wanting people to like me and I’m doing that I lost myself. Especially with ocd and getting into a depression I lost interest in any and everything. For the past week it has kicked me back to that place. I feel boring, unoriginal, I fell like I don’t have anything special about me, if I ask someone they would say I’m nice. I’m over weight so I’ve never bough clothes I really like, I don’t have money to spend on things like art or decor. So I feel bland. I have never had a boyfriend and people look at me like I’m crazy. So basically people see me as an innocent person who has nothing special. I work, I go to school, and I’ve never been obsessed over a music artist or anything. So if people ask me my favorite band or movie I have no idea. I also fear that the moment that I do find myself that my ocd ideas will become real and they were just trapped Inside. Idk who I am. I just kept typing so it may not make sense.

I was laying in bed and my head started to turn again. It was like one second I was so sure and I was comfortable and the next my world turned upside down. I’m am a very feminine person but I’m also tall and a little over weight. Because of this my mind with tell me I look masculine. Because I’m not dainty and small. Or even the way my hair is styled can make me feel like I look like a lesbian. Or even my posture or how I do certain actions. I then started to google things about feeling like I look masculine and it was all people who came out of the closet and stuff. I know I shouldn’t be googling things, I should know better by now.

Hey so basically I’m struggling with having a desire to pursue in the healthcare department. I’m okay with doing other extracurriculars, it’s just that I’m upset that I can’t appreciate wanting to go to Harvard. Like, my mind wants to appreciate, but when I watch videos about it, I think my anxiety is kinda telling me that I don’t actually want to go to Harvard and my mind has also been thinking about other schools like wanting to get into Stanford or something. But when I think of Stanford, I get a little bit anxious and my mind is like “well what about Harvard?” I’ve been starting to not press my anxiety’s buttons because anytime I try and watch videos about harvard, it just kinda gets a hold of me and I see this anxiety as a boundary, even though I would feel better if I could appreciate wanting to go to harvard. I haven’t told anyone else this because I feel like everyone wouldn’t understand and they would just tell me to think of another school, but the thing is, I don’t WANT to think of another school. The same thing happened with choosing a major, I wanted to pursue in neuroscience and it’s like my mind flipped the switch one day and was like “hmmm I don’t want to” but I kept on pushing it because I want to settle and stuff, and later on I started to appreciate it again and it made me feel better and stuff. I’ve been trying to do ERP and it’s kinda hard cause I just think that the anxiety is some boundary and it pushes me away from doing ERP even more. I also feel bad about asking God to help me out because I think I’m being ungrateful and I kinda feel bad and stuff. But He knows how much I want to go to an Ivy League—especially Harvard. I at least don’t want to stop thinking of Harvard and such, and this is just making me not feel good about the future and I feel like it’s at a bad timing. I’m hoping that God can help me out because my mind is seriously set on going to a prestigious school, of course I’ll think of other schools, but I just want to get into a prestigious one. I’m also worried—yet again, that my therapist just won’t understand how I’m feeling (she’s a school therapist), however so far she hasn’t said anything that invalidated me or anything so I think it’s just my anxiety acting up. These past few days have been what I think is considered normal, and I’ve been feeling a lot better now that I’m doing more things, I just tend to avoid this subject because my anxiety acts up and pushes me away from this topic.

I’m new here and to be quite frank I don’t have ocd as a diagnosis yet. I have a big problem a while back with anxiety and depression and already at a young age I had problems with obsessions and compulsion, the first ones were bacterial and washing my hands wiping after the toilet until it came blood because then I thought I was “clean”. Either way I also had a little of harming thoughts both about me and others. But I got help and that therapist help saved me, because I didn’t have severe thoughts for like a lot of years until recently when I started watching like crimes and I.e murder and killing series and movies. The thoughts started, like “would you kill someone” how and who. “Could you eat someone, would you like to” (i.e cannibalism and even the most disgusting one that really distressed me if I could have sex with a 💀person” which I would never EVER. And then a bit of pocd as well, “are you attracted to younger kids” “do that and that to a child/baby” it’s so crazy and disturbing for me. Im sounding like a complete psycho and believe me when I say I’ve done all the test online for it and it shows no indication what so ever. Also have a huge problem with sickness and diseases and washing my hands too much. Sometimes it’s so hard I get panic attacks and cry myself to sleep but sometimes it’s when the most gruesome thoughts come I’m “okey” with them and that really MAKES ME FEEL CONVINCED that these thoughts are desires and stuff like that. What do you guys think? I am in therapy process so already a step ahead but please tell me I’m not a serial killer or phedophile. I also made a pact that if these thought “were” true I’d rather kill myself then act on them. Thank you for reading!

I just want to vent and talk about my experiences because its hard to cope every day feeling like this. its so painful especially because i am 17 and my obsessions center on time and aging and the feeling of loss. i really hope someone older than me with experience with ocd can read this and comment or something but it is insanely long so i get it Truly I think i began to struggle with these things at 10 years old because thats when i first began to feel old and that became a constant worry of mine. 14 is another age when it peaked and now once again. at age 16 i kind of overworked myself and blanked out for the year and would even hit myself until bruising to cope with the stress and thats why turning 17 ten weeks ago really triggered it to get so much worse again. Since last year I barely recall I feel sickened. Ive been in therapy for five weeks and two days now and it hasnt really improved. I havent been officially diagnosed but she tells me I have strong symptoms of ocd. Its really debilitating i can barely get through school days and even while im at home it hurts so bad. even writing this the thought that this post will one day, one minute sink into a part of my past makes me feel really really horrible. I think before i used to cope with these feelings by food restriction, fasting, and purging. Part of the reason i blamed for feeling so old is because i was big so I really wanted to be small and not fat and ashamed but that led me to a spiral of like having a full blown eating disorder. i really regret that because my years 12-14 were largely a blur as thats when my eating disorder was the worst and so much time was devoted towards it. and now that im actually older and dealing with these feelings of being just before adulthood i feel like i lost so much time. and that really just exacerbates the obsession. No matter what i do i cant even distract myself. my compulsions (usually its counting down days or counting days/weeks from a certain day/event and giving myself how much time i have left) they dont give me any relief anymore, not even momentarily. they used to but since these days that i recall and count from i was having these same feelings and distress it just brings the feelings back and gives me an even bigger sense of loss. I cant enjoy anything anymore and one day i broke down in the morning and i was praying(im not even really religiouss) for god to either kill me or wake me up. that was still this month but only the very beginning. idk everything just feels like it isnt real and it just scares me so much. i keep crying during class and i even feel such horrible loss from even just a few hours ago. My one friend from school relates in some ways, he also feels like its a struggle to understand that things are real and are actually going forward especially because of the covid year, but idk he has adhd and that might play a role in it for him. Idk i just wish i got help earlier. like when i was 14 it was really bad and it was related to age and other stuff but in a different way than now. Any way it just is so hard to live and if things continue how they are ill be an adult before i realise it. im trying so hard to get better but its so difficult. Like other than being the only thing i think of its also impacting how i view others and i feel nasty. Like ill see people in their twenties and i find them so disgustingly old even though rationally theyre young but if i convince myself theyre old sometimes ill feel younger. I also feel so guilty because i feel like the faster i take in life the faster i make other people experience life and i feel like im throwing away other peoples youth. I also get occasionally delusional over time. like in july, i jokingly prayed to "tell on god" about one of my classmates, because shes christian and practicing but in class she drew demon sigils with me as a joke. but i thought oh this is a really short prayer and i prayed to god about another thing, asking him to take down the internet once im ready (which would be when i was 20 in my head) and then the next day i saw a video about how space showers might shut down the internet in the future and i got so anxious that it was all my fault and i almost started telling people that it would happen in 2026. I feel so insane and like im living in a limbo, that everything is fake and time hasnt passed a second in the past 5 years, but it has and it continues too and i cant stop thinking about it no matter how much i try to accept it or use these techniques im given. Even if i dont get actually diagnosed with OCD at my appointments, it wont change the distress and hopelessness i feel and im so scared. The more time that passes to more i feel like i lose something. I barely look different from how i did a year or even three years ago, besides my hair length, but i tell myself i can feel myself aging by the second and i even feel like i look horribly older than i really do. honestly im sorry this is so long, i just wanted to vent it all out. this certainly isnt even everything though, but its hard to even acknowledge some of it. i want relief but as it stands with these feelings i dont know if i want to experience the future where i might find the relief. Anyways its already a little bit nice to type here because on crisis lines or with my school counselor, they dont really acknowledge OCD and that may be what i am struggling with. they also just give me like worksheets of anxiety help and stuff which idk they hardly ever help.

I posted a big post earlier but couldn’t really fit this in and wondered if anyone can specifically relate to this. This may be potentially triggering if you are at a very difficult stage with mental compulsions so please don’t read if that’s the case. I find mental compulsions stick with me. Unlike physical I find ERP impossible as with physical you can do ERP and then just walk away from wherever that compulsion would have taken place. So it’s out of sight out of mind and you can forget it, anxiety can come down and if you did think of it, you can think ‘well it’s too late to fix it because I’m not there’. So you can go about your day, your brain understands there was no threat and then when you come across the situation again, you feel less fear. But with mental compulsions, I find as it’s in your head, it feels like you could engage in the compulsion at any time. Like you can try resist the compulsion, but then you keep remembering it as you’re not leaving it anywhere, it feels attached to your mind. If you start to forget it, you check if it’s gone and then it comes back. It feels like the opportunity to carry out / fix the compulsion is always accessible as it’s done in your head so wherever you go you can do it. So it follows me. And then because I keep thinking about it, I ruminate and the fear factor increases and the consequences get more irrational. To make it worse, I’ve developed an obsession that mental compulsions are more dangerous and that by ignoring them I’m subconsciously accepting my intrusive thought (fear of losing control) and training my brain to make my intrusive thoughts reality, so that when I feel better and have forgotten this compulsion and think it’s in the past, my intrusive thought will suddenly come true all because I didn’t give in to the mental compulsion and I’ll suddenly lose control and become some evil person against my will. Now obviously that’s OCD talking, right? And if I were to over come it, that would seem silly and wouldn’t happen. But having This thought process completely prevents me from ever being able to let go of the mental compulsion. As when i do start forgetting, I suddenly freak out and remember the consequence that may happen by allowing myself to forget. Then it resets my need to carry out the compulsion. It’s horrible. The obsession also says that if it came true it could happen at any point in life like ‘remember that time you didn’t do that compulsion… well you’re about to be a psycho’. So it’s not like I can apply ERP and accept that nothing happening means avoiding the compulsion was the right decision because my obsession and fear isn’t time framed. Urgh it’s exhausting! I just hope I’m not alone in this. It just has be doubting everything and fearing for my life

***this may be very triggering so please don’t read if you’re struggling a lot with your OCD**** So I’ve been doing ERP (without a therapist but on a waiting list) for my physical compulsions and I was achieving so well. But then Mental compulsions took over and they are taking over my life. I really hope there’s someone who can relate to this and hopefully teach me that I will find peace. I will sometimes have compulsions that occur through imagery in my mind. This is new for me but has topped all my physical compulsions which I never knew was possible. In fact I’m at a point where I wish I was overwhelmed with physical compulsions rather than this current torture. For example the other day I was at a house where I felt very panicky and gave into a bunch of physical compulsions. When I got home I felt disgusting. The thought of that house was traumatising because of how much stress I induced while there. I couldn’t bare to think about it, I just wanted to forget about any memory of it. I layed in bed and closed my eyes and unintentionally imagined the outside of the house I had visited and as I did I had a harm intrusive thought - what if I lost all control of myself and harmed someone I love against my will - now I’m the most loving sensitive and caring person so this OCD theme has been debilitating for me, but i had been overcoming it with my physical compulsions. I opened my eyes and instantly had the compulsion that I needed to close my eyes again and imagine the same thing again (the outside of the house the exact same way as before) - only this time I imagined their living room instead. I usually have to do things twice to cancel them out (represents ‘on’ and ‘off’… so stupid) so I opened my eyes and panicked because to fix things I needed to correctly imagine the outside of the house as I did earlier. But before I could do that I now needed to imagine the living room the right way, and then I could imagine the outside. But I kept imagining different rooms and couldnt get the image of the right rooms meaning I was going deeper into this house unwillingly. This created a backlog of mental compulsions I needed to fix. I needed to work my way back out the house the same way I went in but my brain wasn’t letting me. I opened my eyes and I was sweating and panicking. I felt trapped and like the only way to ever escape this anxiety and eliminate the threat would be to go back into my mind and fix these errors. I felt helpless and trapped in another world. I felt like my whole life was over now because I could never fix this. Unlike a physical compulsions this was happening in a world I was imagine in my head. I couldn’t just simply go and flick the light switch or tap on the wall. To correct the compulsion I had to actually mentally imagine it. But my mind wasn’t letting me. I felt detached from myself. My anxiety peaked and I had an anxiety override (body tingling, I felt cold) flush through me. And suddenly I felt a sudden lack of care and felt relief. It was like my brain had got so worked up it just let go of the compulsion urges. I fell asleep. The following day I woke up relieved that that mental compulsion episode had left me and I didn’t need to do anything. I cried to my partner who doesn’t know the extent of my OCD, I hide it a lot. But I do get emotional over it. But I never tell him what my ocd entails. All he knows is ‘I have OCD’. I said ‘I’m free’ and felt so relieved. I felt slightly at unease around my house as I was slightly traumatised by how petrified I was and everything was reminding me of it. But I moved on and had a great day feeling relaxed and ready to tackle any OCD that came my way. That was until the following morning I woke up feeling anxious about what I had experienced. I started feeling that I had tricked myself into being over it and felt detached from the world again. I started feeling that I needed to go back into my head, back into that house to fix the compulsion errors. My brain telling me that if I don’t, that unfixed episode will haunt me for life. That even if I get over it and forget, it’ll lie dormant and then come flooding back at a later point in life. It was telling me that all my intrusive fears will happen at some point in my life as a consequence to not fixing my errors and escaping that house. I keep telling myself this is all OCD trying to keep a hold of me. Sometimes my anxiety will ease momentarily and I’ll feel more rational, but then I doubt it and think but what if that’s it lying dormant. And then it comes flooding back. I don’t feel ERP will work for this one. It’s been 2 days now of me trying to avoid the urge to go back and try to fix it. I feel like it’s inevitable that lll have to go back and fix it. Because it seems like I won’t get my life back ever again if I don’t. That’s how it’s making me feel right now. But then I’m scared that if I do go back to fix the errors, I won’t be able to fix it easily. I won’t be able to imagine the right rooms and will only make more errors. I feel like I can’t win. I feel like the only way to get back to reality is fixing these mental compulsions. I just don’t know how 😰. I’m so scared, I know deep down this is all OCD. These fears are obsessions and intrusive thoughts morphing to avoid me escaping OCD. I know it’s illogical and I know the only reason I feel so much meaning behind this mental compulsive world I imagined was because these images of the house was just thoughts that made me feel uncomfortable and I attached meaning to them and taught my brain to fear it. I know I created this fear but it feels so real to me now I’m just stuck. Can anyone relate to this. Does anyone have mental compulsions that feel like a rabbit hole, like a trap and a long list of errors you can’t fix. Is it normal to feel this way. Is my life over? 😞😞😞 I just want to be happy again. I just want to be able to engage in life again. My boyfriend is my whole world. I love him so much and I can’t focus on anything other than this one mental compulsive episode that I feel I’ll never forget. It’s so overwhelming that I haven’t had any physical or new compulsions since because my mind is too preoccupied with how I’m going to deal with that one episode.

I genuinely don’t know if I have OCD. I keep going through all sorts of distressing obsessive cycles but as soon as I start to find some answered to the craziness, the obsessions start to disappear, just reinforcing my doubt. And a lot of my obsessions seem to be “subtypes” that don’t really have a name within the OCD community. For example, as of recently I’ve found myself in an obsessive cycle of doubting and questioning my morals and values. It started with the thoughts of “what makes P-philea wrong” and that thought scared me because why would I question a value that is universal. I began worrying that somehow I might potentially see these behaviours as morally acceptable. And I began questioning my moral values on other things as well. But I don’t know if it’s OCD or if I’m just thinking deeply about why I believe what I believe. Anyone have any similar experiences??

I’ve been going through a lot of problems with my partner the past couple months. about three weeks ago we “broke up” on our own terms where we didn’t have any set rules and it was kind of a mess. i would have really bad days or periods of time that i didn’t wanna be together at all or have to respond to them. then i would feel so bad and remorseful and wonder what they possibly could have done wrong to deserve these feelings from me. last week we broke up for good, with enforced no contact rules and we’ve unfollowed each other on everything. the day after this happened i felt a lot of relief that at least i didn’t have to think about it anymore. the day after i was mostly okay but at one point felt like i was on the edge of a heart attack and just felt so heavy and couldn’t stand it and missed them so much. the next day i was unrealistically fine and was trying everything to distract myself, reaching out to people, setting up hang outs for the next day/upcoming week, trying to reconnect with past people, basically doing way too much. i had a carefree attitude about it even though i knew deep down it was all a distraction. on days like these i refrain from getting on this app because i don’t want to have to deal with the possibility that i just need to work on this relationship. today is the day after that and i’ve been a mess. i miss them so much and feel as though i’ve made a big mistake. i know that i cant act on these feelings just as much as i shouldn’t act on negative ones about my partner, because the whole reason we broke up for good was so that there wouldn’t be a constant back and forth. i know i need to just sit with this discomfort for more than just a day because my feelings could change tomorrow. the main question i’m struggling with is, if they were right for me, would i really be debating it this much and seriously? is this just a bad time in my life? if anyone has any words or advice i’d love to hear it. more context if you wanna read: i’ve had so many struggles that i’ve been through with this person, one being that our parents didn’t approve/let us date until we both turned 18. there’s a lot of back and forth in my mind about this, “were we so distracted in fighting other people that we didn’t realize we weren’t right for each other?” and “how can it be wrong when we went through so much together?” and on the other hand “what if because of the huge switch in the root of our problems (from outside conflict to internal conflict with each other) that it just felt so different and it caused me to re-evaluate everything instead of just taking it as it was?” this is my first relationship with someone of the same sex. i’ve had a lot of internalized homophobia throughout this relationship, obvious or not, and it may also show up in some of my reasonings. i have a lot of predispositions of what life is “supposed to be” for me, what kind of person i am “supposed to end up with.” this causes me to internalize thoughts about things like our race, our sizes, our masculinity/femininity balance. throughout all of these things, they have seemed to see clearer than me, realizing that they like me as a person so why would any of that matter (outside of their own personal insecurities). some of this has to do with me worrying about how other people will see me, as well as how good or perfect i see the relationship myself behind closed doors. another thing i’ve noticed is that i tend to be too focused on how i’m perceived by them and not on just being in the moment and perceiving them. in other words, i’m always actively trying to be someone who is worthy of being in love with, and not enjoying the person i have in front of me. this makes me feel like i’m more in love with myself than i am with them. because of the disapproval from my parents, we were forced/encouraged to hang out a lot less, maybe once or twice a week. i missed them and wanted to hang out more and took that opportunity when it presented itself, but i realized that i may have loved the space/breaks more than i realized. my partner was the opposite, and would’ve already moved in with me if given the chance. this made me think that we were just not compatible in that area, and should find people who want to be around each other the same amount. we are going to the same college as freshmen in less than a week, and when we were together and there for orientation, i had a really hard time sitting with the idea that we would be there together so much. the first night was so fun and i loved spending all day with them, but it got harder as time went on, so much that i psyched myself into thinking i never even liked this person and hardly know them, and it felt like i gad woken up from a fever dream and was forced to give up my independence and share a life with this person forever. (obviously this is soooo extreme and no one was wanting to trap me.) we were never even going to room together for the actual college and planned on waiting for the step of moving in, however those three days really scared me. things that HAVE stayed constant in my mind are that i genuinely love this person, i want what’s best for them, and i don’t regret the relationship for what it was. overall, all of these things that i’ve had doubts over make me feel like 1)it shouldn’t be this hard to be in a relationship and 2)they don’t deserve someone who can’t make up their mind about the relationship. should we stay broken up for sure and i’ll just have to appreciate the relationship for what it was at the time and get over my regrets and wondering if i lost an amazing partner? or should i be holding out hope for a longer future with them?

My ocd has been flaring up and I’ve been doing many rituals to prove I’m not a pedophile. It is so mentally draining at the end of my shift and I really need help cope and control these intrusive thoughts because I love this job and I want to be the best for the kids. But I’m so tired