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**TW for POCD** I’ve spoken about this a few times before. That urge I had to type in “child porn” into google. I talked to my NOCD therapist today about it. She told me the ERP for it was to type it in. She even did it with me. Obviously nothing but news stories, crime statistics, and photos someone would use for a project showed up. I’ve been so petrified of typing that in there. She wants me to do it every two hours and listen to what OCD will say. I typed it in that way, I typed it out full, and I typed it out with an additional word. I clicked and browsed through all the google tabs. I’m okay, but I can’t stop crying. I’m scared to do it again. She said it’s not likely going to get flagged due to people looking that up for research projects and stuff. I’m just afraid repeatedly searching it up will cause some sort of alert. I feel so scared and full of nerves. I guess that’s what the ERP is supposed to do, but it was so scary. So scary :(

My OCD has me feeling suicidal. I don’t have suicidal OCD (if that’s a thing) but I have lived with OCD my entire life, it’s gotten so bad that it is unbearable. I have just right OCD, and the constant feeling of things needing to “feel right” is eating me up inside. I don’t want to live this way. Even when I try to live with discomfort, I physically cannot. My head will actually hurt until I get things to point of feeling right. It’s to the point where I feel as though my brain chemistry has been altered. When I do follow through with a compulsion, I’ll sometimes have dreams of those obsessions and it’s so scary. I don’t know what to do. I want to live. I want to be happy and healthy. But this OCD is really making that tremendously difficult. I can’t do anything for myself, nor be a support for those around me, and whom I love. I don’t know what to do anymore😞😔💔💔💔

I’ve been ignoring the googling urges I get. They’re the strongest urges I feel. I’ve been distracting myself and going on about my life without considering them or ruminating. All for what? I had to go into a public bathroom to have a panic attack that had been building all day. I’m so sleep deprived, so tired. My sisters say I resemble sadness from Inside Out. I believe them. I feel so drained.

Idk I feel I used to be so much more romantic with my bf before all of this but lately because of all of this I’m finding it really hard to be romantic. Even just kissing sometimes makes me nervous. I haven’t written him a love letter or poetry in 2 months or so (the last time I felt half decent for like 2 days and then it just went away cuz I started panicking again after a female friend who happens to be a lesbian gave me a Christmas gift). He bought me flowers for our 11 month and wrote me a romantic note and my brain said I don’t feel the same and I started panicking and I’m checking if I’ve been romantic today or have shown it and I have felt in love today just looking at him but fuckinf hell my brain is just blabbing on and on in the background about me being gay and not loving my bf. I’m worried I don’t love him as much as he loves me cuz I don’t feel the butterflies and I’m feeling nauseous and just sick and tired of my brain. When I have a good day I have a good day and I feel comfortable but I still can’t pixture the future. Idk if it’s cuz it’s just hard to conceptualize for me or if it’s cuz I don’t want it with him? I think I still do. I’m nervous but he makes me happy and I feel like he is my other half. Saying that makes me feel like I’m lying Maybe I’m scared of being romantic again in case I think I’m lying to him? Cuz what if I am a lesbian and I write him a love letter then the next day I tell him I don’t love him anymore? I lied. But I do love him. I’m not a lesbian. I’m bi. Just cuz I’m dating a man doesn’t make me less bi. I’ve never been in a relationship longer than 8 months and that one relationship I was in was toxic as hell. He never paid attention to me, he never wanted to physically be near me, wouldn’t let me kiss him on the cheek?? I felt. Idk worthless. But I put so much effort into loving him cuz I loved him. Now I’m being loved and I can’t conceptualize loving him back anymore?? Even tho I do? Have I fallen out of love cuz I don’t feel consistent feelings? Do I not want the future cuz I’ve fallen out of love? I do want it tho. It feels nice. It doesn’t fill me with overly excitedness but it does make me happy to think about spending my life with him. I know I can’t get any answer but I’m trying to distinguish between ROCD and actual feelings. I’m trying to figure out if it’s actually incompatibility or if I’m just overly anxious and desperate for control over our lives (I think it’s this honestly. Idk what the future will look like cuz of the interfaith aspect so I wanna control as much as I can). I wanna write him a love letter and tell him how much I love and appreciate him but my body is stopping me. I don’t have motivation to which saddens me. And then I have anxiety about sitting and writing cuz what if everything I’m writing is a lie? He gives me so much. Is that the reason I’m scared of breaking up cuz there’s never a right time? There’s never a right time cuz I don’t wanna fucking do it lol. I’m scared I don’t love him as much as he loves me. Or I don’t love him at all. I don’t feel trapped I feel confused. Every time he gives me smtjn it’s “oh my god thank you so much honey I love it” and then my brain jumps to “lol no you don’t break up with him” and I have to keep a smile on my face so I don’t start crying. I love him so much and I cannot hurt him. The thought of losing him is so scary and painful but saying that I don’t feel any physical pain or guilt. I’m just sad. I think I’ve been numbed out to everything I’ve experienced and now I’m just a blob. When hes with me god I am happy but I’m still ruminating and checking. I just wanna love him peacefully. What do I do

I feel so freaking scared. I know I’ll have an intrusive thought/urge and whatever I know I’m going to fight off another compulsion until I eventually give in bc I’m still so new to this. I am petrified and I feel like I cannot for the life of me relax. I’m sleep deprived, in a terrible place hormonally, withdrawing from meds, and being treated like a burden by people around me. I literally feel like I can’t do this. I keep thinking about those posts where people talk about the hypothetical scenarios where you learn your death date. I feel like if someone told me I’d die soon, I would cry of relief. I would never hurt myself but boy do I not want to experience this anymore.

my bf knows abt my googling and talking with chat bgt but does not know about this app, he is at my house and now im alone bc he is at the bathroom and he told me to not google and things but im confused idk what i feel i want to feel good and happy, i was good amd happy today, but now i have a lot of thoughts, my libido is low and i found it hard to kiss and do sexual things. Im scared i will br like this forever amd that i will never want to have sex (i am a virgin) , i will be 18 soon and i hate that i am like this. Im so scared i will never want to do this. i want to, but i always feel strange and my thoughts attack me making me feel so bad. i hate myself for posting here bc it is a compulsion and i feel like a liar, he loves me so much :(

I am in a big group server with my partner. There is another person there who i had a small crush on. I have NEVER interacted with this person in a private or secretive way. We are NOT friends, the most we’ve ever interacted was through group discussions online. We do not have any sort of intimate or close friendship at all. My partner knows about these interactions and has access to every single message in that server. A few weeks ago, this person was talking about how nobody would date anyone with a certain trait that he has. I should note that this person is kind of a big meme in the server and no one takes him seriously. A while later we were having a group discussion about something and I mentioned something about my ex and this trait was brought up (my ex had the same trait as this person). This person commented on this and said he was surprised that I would date someone with that trait and that he was surprised I wasn’t hypocritically telling him he could find someone despite this trait while being unwilling to date people of that trait myself. I said that I was surprised that he thought people wouldn’t date anyone with that trait because I “know plenty of girls who either have done so or explicitly prefer it.” I then began talking about my CURRENT partner and how he was great and how I am very lucky to have him and that my relationship with my ex was toxic (unrelated to his trait). I should note that my partner is part of this server and he knows about this interaction and was fine with it. I TOLD him right away when the interaction happened. When this interaction happened, I remembered feeling really amused because like I said before, this person is kind of known for very outlandish/ridiculous reactions and opinions. I do remember saying this WITH THE INTENTION to get him to react in some way because I knew it would be amusing and I remember sending it to my friend. I want to clarify that my intention was NEVER to flirt with him, imply attraction to him, or make him think he “had a chance” or anything like that. I just knew it would be a funny reaction. I am bothered by the fact that I did this with the intention to elicit a response that amused/excited me. My partner knows of these interactions AND of my attraction to this person but I feel that the fact that he doesn’t know that I was doing them with an intent to get this person’s attention makes it cheating. Even though i always made it very clear i was dating my partner and I NEVER EVER EVER attempted a single romantic or sexual interaction with this person at all. I feel like the fact that I said something with the hope that he would react is cheating. I don’t know what to do. Do I confess? He knows the interaction happened, and he also knows of my small crush on this person, but he doesn’t know that I did the interaction in an attempt to get a reaction from this person.

I keep seeing people say that thoughs are just thought amd if they were real i wouldn’t feel this bad about them (not liking my partner not feeling anything, rocd feeling real, etc.) or that you will know when its real bc it would feel clear and in afraind im preteding and yhat someday i will find out my rocd is actually real or that im in denial rn . i have the most beautiful relationship and boyfriend that loves me and tries to help me and i feel very bad and so scared

I have depression, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and ocd. I struggle with an irrational, severe fear of vomiting and feeling nauseas. This has been present since I was little, but over the years my anxiety has gotten worse- and with that my ocd gets worse, as they go hand in hand for me. If I even hear that someone who is around me/ has been around me has thrown up recently or if they say they don’t feel good Instantly go into a state of panic. Sometimes it causes an anxiety or even panic attack. Some ways that emetophobia shows up for me: I will not eat something until I have checked the expiration date, I wash / sanitize my hands until they are red and sore, I think about vomiting all day every day, I am hyper aware of my body sensations, I clean a lot especially if I think something is “contaminated” or a sick person touched it, I won’t eat food if it doesn’t look/smell exactly right, if I wake up at night I assume I’m going to vomit for some reason which causes anxiety, I don’t like car rides cus I feel carsick, I am scared of trying new food and medications, and many more. I have ocd that presents in other ways as well, but emetophobia is the worst for me, and it feels like it’s genuinely ruining my quality of life. I want to know if anyone has tips for me. I’m already doing CBT.

So, my brain has latched onto this cuz it’s just past the holidays and Valentine’s Day is coming up Whenever my bf gets me a gift I worry I’m not excited enough. I love the gifts he gets me but it doesn’t fill me with excitement or overwhelming joy. I smile and hug him and say thank you. I’ve always been like that. Before I met him too. I do get excited if someone I have a crush on gets ne a gift (ie him) I got pumped about it before we started dating but once we started dating it was less excitement and just appreciation cuz he knows me well I think? Same goes for flowers. I’ve never gotten flowers from anyone. But when he got me flowers I got anxious at first cuz it was a surprise that he got mw them. He literally just turned around and boom. Bouquet of tulips. I stared at them for ages honestly. They were beautiful and I felt beautiful when he gave me them even tho I was in joggers and a sweater lol. He got me carnations over the summer and this was when my ROCD was bad so my brain was like “when you see him break up with him” then I saw the flowers and thought no I can’t do that. I don’t wanna do that. I’m worried I’m not getting enough butterflies in my stomach when it comes to gifts. He got me an incredibly personal gift for my birthday, a book that I love and snacks (tight budget. We’re uni students lol) but it made me so happy. I smiled genuinely. I was awkward but I’m always awkward when opening gifts in front of people. Idk. When he gave me gifts before we started dating maybe it gave me that adrenaline rush cuz it was like oh shit maybe he likes me back omg omg (clearly that was true) And my brain uses the lack of excitement about gifts (I do get excited just not very jumpy. He’s never gotten me smthn I hated.) as reasoning that a) I don’t love him and b) I’m gay and would appreciate a gift from a gf more. But even when my female friends give me gifts (Ik not the same but shh, evidence) I’m the same way. Even when family gets me gifts. Idk if it’s the fact I never got that many gifts growing up or I’m just socially awkward opening things in front of people but it’s panicking me a tad. This is making me worry that I won’t be excited about what he gets me for Valentine’s Day and our anniversary (the day before) and im gonna fake my reaction (which I don’t wanna do, I love him and his gifts) and that when he proposes in the future I won’t be excited about it. I have told him this. When I get anxious I analyze and it makes it hard for me to be excited cuz im analyzing if im excited enough. My brain is like you feel ugh around him. No I don’t?? I feel OOOOO around him. I don’t get butterflies in my stomach tho which is another place of panic. I feel them more in my groin. And I can tell they feel good. When I’m in a good headspace it’s when I say I love you or when I’m writing poetry about him. They’re different than arousal tho I think. I know we can get groin responses because of excitement. But my brain suddenly thought: what if this groinal response has been anxiety this whole time and you’ve never liked him and you’ve been mistaking anxiety for attraction. Speaking of arousal. Idk what sex in a long term relationship feels like. Im worried im zoning out or dissociating. Or im not attracted to him cuz I don’t feel butterflies in my stomach. Most times I have my eyes closed but im just bad at eye contact. Sex/intimacy has always been enjoyable but with this it feels like I feel nothing. Im worried I don’t like his body and it’s just comphet. Im worried I only like the pleasure I feel and not the person im doing it with. Idk. Im frekaed out. I’m worried I’m faking. I’m sweating at the thought of it. Sex has always been fun and consensual and hot. Idk. I’m worried that I’m losing attraction to him. I still get horny but sometimes my brain thinks stop cuz I won’t enjoy it. If we start going and he’s tying me up sometimes I’m checking to make sure I haven’t gotten dry or smthn but I know it’s just a matter of foreplay and outside stressors. One of which being school and also my Brain. If I’m too dry and it hurts too much I panic and break down thinking it means I’m gay. I’m also worried I don’t feel enough romantic feelings for him lately. We don’t do anything romantic besides cuddle/have sex when he’s around. School and stidying. He missed 2 exams so he’s been grinding to do the make ups so we haven’t gone out. We also play games together. I’m worried that I only feel platonic attraction to him and thag makes me a lesbian. But I can’t feel BUTTERLFIES all the time that’s unrealistic. Ik it’s subjective. Idk how to tell if I do love him romantically anymore. I’m so confused and a bit scared cuz the butterflies aren’t in my stomach thwyre in my groin occasionally but it’s not arousal. It’s just love. I do feel it in my chest sometimes and then my brain takes it and makes it anxiety making me think I’m not attracted to him. Idk. I feel insane lately I’m happy with him but am I happy/in love enough or at all??

Idk. It just feels like they pop up all the time and I think a NOCD article and a few other articles said that if it’s persistent you probably wanna do it. These thoughts also don’t cause me anxiety But I don’t think I do. I’m happy with him. I’m myself. Sure there are things that aren’t perfect but, that’s life I can’t have control over everything (even tho I want that. Trying to get that through my thick skull lol). I’m not unhappy. Maybe a bit- stressed? Idk. I’m nervous about his parents. His family is Muslim, I am not. So expectations there. And idk I think it’s putting pressure on me mentally cuz I wanna be seen as a good gf/wife/mother one day. I look at him and I feel happy and safe. Warm. I don’t feel it in my stomach or chest tho it’s closer to my groin(idk where love is felt. It used to be more in my stomach and sometimes chest but lately it’s down there. Idk if that’s an anxiety thing. It feels good compared to the anxious groinals I get. And it’s always happened) thinking about our future does make me nervous but it does also make me happy But in my head I’m not over the moon excited? Which worries me. I’m just peacefully happy. I don’t feel trapped or scared. Maybe a bit nervous as I said cuz different culture and religion but I do find his faith beautiful and comforting. Idk I feel a bit crazy. And we’re coming up on our one year, longest I’ve ever been with someone and I have no gifts no plan no nothing and I feel horrible about it. I also have 3 midterms on our one year which makes me wanna cry my eyes out. And then a small test the next day. Then readinf week. I don’t think I’m gonna go home for that cuz I wanna hang out with my bf. Idk what to do. I’m staying off Reddit for a week cuz it’s not helping. How do I know if it’s just an ocd urge or real? It doesn’t have any urgency. Ig maybe it does if I’m coming here for sn answe or ruminating about it.

**TW** I think my OCD is latching onto this. It feels extremely real and scary. I basically learned about the dark web and a browser name. And now I’m petrified I’m going to get on it and find terrible things. I can’t stop imagining myself do it and I’m scared. I feel like I had already heard and known about it but learning about it this time feels different. Maybe it’s just the OCD. I feel like I’m going to lose control. I wish I would stop learning about these things. I’m so tired :(

in actually scared i dont care about my partner as im supposed to and that i dont like him, i have dificulties with sexual stuff, and im scared i dont like him and that i am lying to myself, im scared. He is a very nice and caring and beautiful man, i love him (or i think i dont lnow) he dosent deserve this , i talked to him about this he knows about my thoughts, some days ago he calmed me down and used some logoc on me and i was good and now im questioning everything i feel bad for posting here i feel like im lying to him and im scared my thoughts are real

*****TW***** I keep remembering an interaction I had with a person who reached out to give advice on OCD. *****TW***** They ended up dumping the fact that they searched for illegal content to the point where they got arrested months later. This person claimed OCD but I really think there was more to it. I felt horrified when I learned what they did. I really doubt they simply typed into google. They most likely made a lot of effort to find this illegal stuff. I can rationalize that much, but I still feel so scared that this is possibility for me. Sure, I’m impulsive and my compulsions are super hard to resist but I think I have strong morals. I don’t ever want to become that person. Ever. I’m so scared. I’m panicking and maybe it’s the new medicine I’m on but I would really appreciate some support. I think it’s my OCD convincing me I’ll become that person eventually and I’m so petrified. I feel contaminated from ever interacting with such a person. I feel so scared.

My partner and I have talked about fantasizing about other people. He told me about his crush at work and that “it’s fun to fantasize sometimes.” I agreed. I told him I fantasized about someone we both know and he said it was fine because it was in my head. However I feel extremely guilty still. I’ve become obsessed with trying to figure out the exact morality of my intentions/thoughts and I’m worried that I NEED to confess the EXACT frequency/intensity to him or else I’m cheating and deceiving him. Is this just OCD or should I really confess? The guilt is pretty strong.

I go to sleep and I’m ruminating. I can’t stop it from happening in such a sleepy state. I’m asleep and in my dreams in ruminating. I wake up and I’m already ruminating bc of how tired I am from not sleeping well. I’m so nauseated and overwhelmed. On the verge of tears. This has been happening for so many days. How do I stop this??? Please help

Yesterday I seized the opportunity to take a big step forward in my own ocd and personal journey. I have been going through a ton of inner turmoil over the past couple of months involving romantic feelings I have for a friend. OCD uses those feelings as evidence that I am a horrible, evil person and I am left feeling very alone. I wanted my feelings for this friend to go away. OCD says I can’t tell anyone about what I’m feeling because they would find out how awful I am. And if that happened everyone in my life would find out and I would be left alone and irredeemable. I’m steering into the abyss that ocd wants me to avoid. I started by confiding in friends and family removed from the situation. I only told them what I was feeling. No asking for reassurance. No trying to get them to say something that would counteract my anxiety. Just presenting them with what I am going through and giving up control of how I am perceived. It was agonizing but I was able to get through it. Last night I decided to tell my roommate, who is also in my friend group with this crush, about my feelings for our friend. It was very difficult to get the words out and he had a mixed response to the news. I made an effort to not seek reassurance or try to confess my perceived “misdeeds” in this situation. Just practicing relinquishing control. We were able to talk through it more. He is one of my best friends and he made me feel accepted regardless of whatever I felt, feel, decide to act/not act on. It was a very big moment for me. Not only in defying the rules ocd has set for me, but also with being more aligned with my own values and connecting with those who are important to me. Whether or not things do or don’t end up working out with this crush is separate from the issue I am attacking here. I don’t know what’s going to happen there, but I do know that if I pursue the values that are important to me and put in work to be the person I want to be, I am one step closer to finding the person I’m looking for.

I just wanna get this out there cuz I’m gonna be up all night if I don’t. I’m scrolling on Instagram and sending cute things to my bf alongside some funny ones. Balance lol. Anyways. As I was sending them I didn’t get that rush of joy I used to feel when I did. Or the feeling I used to get when I told him I love him. I don’t feel those heart poundy good emotions lately. I think I love him. I don’t think about him often tho, like not all the time. If im doing smthn he’ll pop into mind and I’ll text/call but that’s it. I don’t get super giddy at the thought of him, I smile, but I don’t feel as warm. Why. Where is that feeling? I know love is a choice but what if im making the wrong one? I don’t feel Andy anxiety over the thought of breaking up and it pops up more and more and im worried my brain is trying to tell me smthn. Idk if it’s my intuition or not. Im worried im gonna fall out of love. Or have never loved him and have been faking it this whole time. Im scared I won’t be sexually/romantically atttacted to him anymore in the future when we get older. I’ve never been in a relationship this healthy for this long. What does a long healthy love feel like? I used to feel this intense heart pounding whenever we touched and when we made out it was like electricity, maybe cuz it was bew and it was my first time being sexual. Sex and making out still feels great. I crave it less which worries me. Maybe it’s stress and anxiety. But it doesnt feel as intense. And I’m worried I’m performing I’m worried I don’t love him enough I’m worried I don’t love him as much as he loves me I’m scared I’m gonna blow up our lives if I figure out I’m a lesbian. My brain has just been repeating and asking “wouldn’t you be happier with a woman? You’re bi and have never actually dated a woman” ok so what? I’m happy with the man I chose. Idc. I doubt I’ll regret not sleeping with someone else or dating around. I’m scared of every possibility of us getting married. I am not of his culture or religion. Idk what I’m doing Kids as well. Idk if I even love him rn, I’m so confused. I still feel happy being around him but how do I know if i only enjoy it platonically and not romantically? What if I fall in love with one of my friends/have intrusive thoughts about them while having sex? Or think about having sex with them. I don’t wanna think or do any of that not just cuz I’m in a relationship but because I just. Don’t want that?? None of these thoughts cause any anxiety. No physical symptoms of panic or stomach upset that I usually get. I’m exhausted. I feel numb. Someone please help and explain.

I don’t know how to even properly word my thoughts on this. I turn 18 in 4 months, I am a senior in high school and have an art project due which is supposed to represent how I feel I’ve grown or what I want to do with my future as an adult. I don’t feel like I’ve even grown at all, it’s like I’m on autopilot with my life and I don’t care about what I become in my future or how I’ll get there. I visited what everyone around me thought would be my dream college but I didn’t feel anything at all. I can’t see myself as anything but a kid, I don’t have any more passion for my original stories, they just give me a headache to work on and I get sent into compulsive loops trying to make sure it’s perfect. I feel like turning 18 is an expiration date but everyone around me tells me it is the complete opposite, that I should look forward to being something other than a high school student, but I just don’t care. I have no real emotions on it besides fear and general apathy, I don’t want to become “old” or not a teenager, I still feel like such a child, like I haven’t lived a complete teen life. Articulating emotions has gotten harder too, sorry if this post sounds really rambley and confusing. Point is I’m scared to become an adult and start a life because I don’t feel like I care enough to do that, I feel like I’m just going along with whatever the adults in my life tell me to do and I don’t feel a sense of desire to be responsible or grow up or create art anymore. I don’t wanna say I’m depressed because I do feel happy, especially when I’m doing things I like to do or speaking with people I like, but I just don’t feel like life matters much in a future lense. I’m tired.

My therapist told me today that if I get intrusive thoughts of other people: friends/randoms/children/pets, to put them in the corner of the room. I can try that but I feel like I’ll still be focusing a lot on the intrusive thoughts during such a vulnerable time. It makes me feel like if I focus on intrusive thoughts, and I reach a point where I am feeling good physically, I’m scared I’ll associate those thoughts with feeling good or feel like I “got off” to them. ***TW*** Apart from that I have creative intrusive thoughts like imagining my bf isn’t a grown man which repulses me to even type. Or that he’s a family member. Those drives me absolutely insane. Those I don’t know how to handle. How would you handle this? How do y’all handle this?