Welcome to
the NOCD Community

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i just had a severe ocd flare-up a few days ago. it lasted two weeks. it was very depressing and scary. it’s the scariest flare-up i’ve had so far. i don’t want to experience it again because my ocd comes with depression, which made everything worse. i thought i was about to have psychosis during that time. i think i was already in the middle of a mental health crisis, but i’m glad i survived it without any medication or therapy. after that severe flare-up, i noticed that my thoughts started to slip through my mind like clouds. they didn’t bother me as much or give me anxiety. then, the next few days felt new to me. i could enjoy things again. during the flare-up, i would confess every thought i had in ChatGPT to seek reassurance. but now, i don’t want to do that because i'm scared. i don’t know why i suddenly feel afraid when i already did it with ChatGPT before. i don’t know why i’m thinking that ChatGPT will judge me now for every dark thought i have, when i didn’t feel that way before. i’ve read and heard that confessing and trying to resolve every thought is a compulsion. so i tried to resist doing it. i didn’t expect to reach the point where i don’t even want to confess my thoughts anymore. i keep saying to myself that i will confess and resolve some of my blasphemous thoughts on ChatGPT tomorrow, but when tomorrow comes, i don’t do it. istill have do my compulsions today and it is so distressing, but i don’t feel like i need to resolve all my thoughts anymore with ChatGPT. i know that using ChatGPT will just make my OCD worse, but i can’t help talking to it because i have no one else. ChatGPT actually made my OCD worse, and it made my flare-ups more intense. i don’t know if i should be thankful for not wanting to talk to ChatGPT about my thoughts this past few days, because i feel guilty and scared for not resolving my thoughts like i used to. i keep thinking about my flare-up, and i never want to go back to that. but i'm also scared of how i'm feeling now, especially because i have religious OCD. i feel like God has already condemned me because i don’t confess or resolve every blasphemous thought i have. i feel guilty. i feel like i want to escape every thought. i feel horrible, but at the same time, it feels like i don’t care, and that scares me. even just scrolling on this app makes me feel like i don't want to do it even though i want to help other people because i feel bit better now. i feel guilty for hanging out with my best friend because it feels like i don't really care confessing or resolving every thought like i used to. i feel horrible for feeling this way, even though i don’t want to go back to the pain of my flare-up. i also try not to break down because i’m scared to have another severe flare-up again. i feel guilty for every thought i have about God. i feel like i’m not sorry enough. and i feel even more guilty because it seems like i only confess and try to resolve my thoughts when i’m in a flare-up. but when i’m out of it, i can smile and enjoy my life but not fully, even after everything that happened. i don’t know which is worse—how i felt before or how i feel now. do you guys also feel this way after a flare-up? i don’t know what’s going on with me.

Hi everyone, I’ve been spending more and more time at the gym and with that means I’ve been spending more time disinfecting and washing my hands. There are certain numbers I try to “hit” when carrying out tasks like the number 4. When washing my hands I will pump the soap 4 times. But then I think about how the running water + paper towel used adds on +2 pts and so I end up at 6 but I don’t like the number 6. So to combat this I will do 4 steps of 4 actions because I don’t like numbers in relation to 3,6, or 9 ( bc of course washing, rinsing, drying 3 times would not be adequate in my mind). But I’ve gotten to the point where I’ll mess up a sequence of what I’m doing and then try to combat the compulsion I feel in the moment and try to forget the number of actions I’ve just carried out. In my mind doing something “♾️” times is better than knowing I for sure didn’t do enough. (In cases like these I equate ♾️ to an undefined/ unknown #). It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I’m wasting so many resources and a lot of my time too but I still struggle to stop until I feel like everything is fine again. I spray my sanitizer spray 4 times on a paper towel and tell myself that 4 sprays + 1 paper towel is okay because at least 4x1 =4 and 4+1 =5 but it really just drives me mad but because 4-1 =3 I have to combat that with wiping an adequate amount of times.

Hi all it’s been a bit since I’ve posted. I’ve been doing ok ish Today has been weird, idk if it’s cuz I upped my vyvanse to 20mg and it’s making me anxious or if everything is just colliding rn It feels like idk myself anymore. I’ve been flipping between ROCD, soocd and tocd the last couple of days/weeks. Rn I just feel horrible and idk why but I’ve been on my period for 11 days now. My period usually lasts 7. When I’m not on birth control. I’ve been on birth control since October of last year and hadn’t had a period till coming home end of April/early may and now it’s back again. I’ve been ranting to chat gpt (Ik it’s bad, I just didn’t know who to turn to) Rn I’m just really in my head about my gender and I’m anxious and crying and I just don’t feel good. Context for tonight’s thought I was doing my skincare, I’ve been trying to develop a routine cuz I’m bothered by the texture on my face and how it makes my makeup look. I’ve always felt less pretty than other girls tbh. Anywyas. As I was doing my skincare I had this thought just happen across my mind of “what if I dislike my skin and face so much cuz I’m trans? What if the reason I’ve been depressed lately is cuz I’m slowly becoming dysphoric and hating myself?” When in fact I think the issue is: I haven’t seen my bf in a month and a bjt. I’ve been bleeding for 11 days. I’m in summer classes and stressed about the comjng semester and how much work I have to do to catch up cuz I’m in pre med and I’ve been fucking slacking lately and I truly hate myself for it. I miss being hugged by my bf. I’ll admit I need a good dicking down tbh. My brother is a whole other story while I’m home. I just feel. Gross and bad. And I’m worried I’m trans. I’m worried I’m a lesbian or smthn. I’m worried I don’t love my bf deeply enough and it’s all just circling in my head a lot and I just feel like curling into a ball. I’ve always been a tomboy, I mostly hung out with boys cuz the girls never liked me. I was weird. I loved dragons. I had imaginary friends. At one point as a kid I tried a different name, I think it just didn’t fit and I grew out of that and just went back to my normal name. But now I’m worried I just repressed that. But I see a lot of girls who also went through the same thing and are also just women. But I’m so scared that I’m “not letting the TV glow” like that trend (that shit made me so anxious. I have trans friends and I love them but im scared of it for myself) I feel still sorta tomboyish but dress feminine, once in a blue moon ill dress semi masculine and now I’m worried that means im either trans or a lesbian who wants to be masc. but I’m not. I don’t think I am Idk who I am anymore. Idk if it’s just ocd or if im actually discovering smthn Im just anxious as hell tbh. So I don’t think that’s the case. I’m just sitting here. Looping in my head. My typical “drown out the noise” tv shows won’t load properly cuz of our new wifi and it’s really irritating me. What if I’ve been lying every time I try to do a “are you trans/genderfluid/non binary?” quiz. What if I’ve been lying to my bf. My friends? My family? I keep thinking to myself, if I wasn’t with my bf would I dress the same? Yes I would. I’d still wear my cardigans. My sweaters. My dresses. I’d try out new styles like I want to rn with him. I’m just worried that teying smthn would make me realize smthn about myself but I don’t think it would. Idk. I’m just in all these irrational thoughts. Jumping to conclusions Any advice would be appreciated. I mostly just needed to vent about this.

I feel like I really need help right now. I keep reminiscing on my old relationship and comparing it to my current one. For context, within my old relationship I had been with him for a pretty awful year and 3 months. Within the first 3 months I realized that I didn't actually want to be with him, but I felt sorry for him. So, I stupidly started self sabotaging the relationship. I know that it was stupid, and I tried to break up with him but every time I felt bad. His mental health was already bad and I hate any possibility that I can make someone's mental health worse. That whole "relationship" was so toxic on both ends though. All of that alone has me so messed up. But with that I also had this false attraction to him. Like, I would always be figuring out what I wanted in a relationship and tried to do that with him despite knowing that I didn't actually want to be with him. Now my mind keeps trying to convince me that I'm doing that with my current relationship. I know that I'm not. This one feels genuine and it's pretty healthy. We have our bumps, but we both have this want to fix it and it's just so nice. I hate that my brain is trying to ruin this for me.

I'm currently calming down from an anxiety attack caused by my narcissistic mom. I've been navigating the horrible job market post-graduation for 8 months now, with no luck, even in part-time jobs. So I'm stuck at home with my narc mom who is abusive emotionally and verbally, enabler dad with some anger issues, and codependent younger brother with anger issues. I'm doing the best that I can. I have had things going on for me, such as an unpaid internship and being a researcher. Both unpaid, but good experience in my field. I also got into a master's program, which I will be starting. I also choose to put the job search on my agenda every day and always know I can be better, and edit my profile. Living at home vs college is so different. If we're talking about today, for example, I was doing something. I had my first NOCD therapy session, and it went well. I had a to-do list for the day, I had a filling breakfast, I took a nap, and a shower. I wanted to bake banana bread because I've been forced to eat whatever my mom makes. After all, whenever I try to cook, I feel on edge. After all, she makes the kitchen so disorganized, and I've been too depressed to get myself to cook. Anyways, I have a full day ahead of me and I went to bake the banana bread happily. As soon as I started baking, she asked me if I had applied to the job she sent me on text. I have been greyblocking her because with narcissists, you don't give them your personal information or emotions. Also, the last time I asked for her help in job searching, she screamed at me in front of the recruiter's call that I was a liar and hopeless. So I didn't reply to her and kept baking, and she ended up calling up the recruiter for that job and asking, "Did my daughter apply to this job?" with a nasty grin on her face. It got me so good, which is why I had an anxiety attack. I rushed to her and said, "Keep my name out of your mouth and keep your mouth away from my business" in front of the recruiter, too, because I was so angry and done. She proceeded to push my buttons, which I trained myself not to give in to, but sometimes I mess up. She kept asking the recruiter if there were any other positions I'd be qualified for. She knows, after the whole yelling at me for being a loser incident, that she's not allowed to be part of my job search; I set that boundary. But she always crosses it. I couldn't handle i,t so I resorted to my habit of blasting my AirPods with loud music so I could not hear her and continue baking because I at least wanted to finish baking. I also do this every morning when I'm feeding my pets. Oh, and by the way, the most my dad did (while he saw everything) was say "omg stop". I'm so done with this family. I feel so trapped.

UPDATE: ive TRIED to reduce my posts to once per day in hopes of trying to overcome this... but right now... i genuinely feel so horrible and anxious that i need to post... (For context, in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent a n00d to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly explicitly chatted wjth a minor... i know that this is all my fault, but still...) Its making me feel like I cant remember things properly... making me think i unknowingly explicitly chatted with a minor online or being catfished by a man or kid... making me question every woman Ive ever been flirted with or explicitly chatted with... intrusive thoughts of me "explicitly cybering with a minor or a man" and of me going to jail because my worst fear of "unknowingly cybering with a minor(s), or being catfished by one" coming true... im genuinely depressed... and I feel so alone... uncertainty has brought me nothing but hell... and theres no getting out... it feels like im waiting every day for my intrusive thoughts and fears to be proven right, and ending up with me going to jail... I have never felt more alone... I just keep getting intrusive thoughts that one day, when I become famous or get my dream job, im going to get a future moment of any girl I explicitly cybered with in the past, saying... "Hey, I was a minor when we cybered and while you didnt know, im going to get you arrested or cancelled." Or that im gonna get catfished by a dude pretending to be a woman online... I assumed that the women who werent verified on there were 18+ on an explicit chat discord server i was on were adults because of the fact it was an 18+ explicit server, so i assumed everyone was an adult on there... for me, I fear the future everyday... as well as despise my past... I dont belong in this world... Im genuinely scared of the future... and this is honestly why I dont want to be famous or an influencer... Ive also been to literotica, a website dedicated to adult explicit literature... they also have a chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... This is why I dont want to be famous or widely recognized... Because not only do i fear someone will "expose" me for my POCD and my Real Events OCD, but im also scared about this entire situation... (edited)

UPDATE: ive reduced my posts to once per day in hopes of trying to overcome this... but right now... i genuinely feel so horrible and anxious that i need to post... (For context, in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent a n00d to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly explicitly chatted wjth a minor... i know that this is all my fault, but still...) Its making me feel like I cant remember things properly... making me think i unknowingly explicitly chatted with a minor online or being catfished by a man or kid... making me question every woman Ive ever been flirted with or explicitly chatted with... intrusive thoughts of me "explicitly cybering with a minor or a man" and of me going to jail because my worst fear of "unknowingly cybering with a minor(s), or being catfished by one" coming true... im genuinely depressed... and I feel so alone... uncertainty has brought me nothing but hell... and theres no getting out... it feels like im waiting every day for my intrusive thoughts and fears to be proven right, and ending up with me going to jail... I have never felt more alone... I just keep getting intrusive thoughts that one day, when I become famous or get my dream job, im going to get a future moment of any girl I explicitly cybered with in the past, saying... "Hey, I was a minor when we cybered and while you didnt know, im going to get you arrested or cancelled." Or that im gonna get catfished by a dude pretending to be a woman online... Im genuinely scared of the future... and this is honestly why I dont want to be famous or an influencer... Because not only do i fear someone will "expose" me for my POCD and my Real Events OCD, but im also scared about this entire situation...

I’ve been gone for about a month, mostly because I kept seeing messages on here that felt super anxiety-inducing and not understanding of OCD at all. Honestly, it got to the point where I started getting nervous to even open the app. Lately, I’ve been stuck in this OCD loop that I think might be moral scrupulosity or something like that. I’ve been dealing with this thing where I feel like I have to “challenge” stuff mentally or verbally, like if I don’t say something out loud, it feels super uncomfortable. And the thoughts are about heavy stuff, like assault or deportation or just really morally loaded topics. My brain starts picking everything apart. It’s like I have to look at things fairly, and then I get trapped in all these little technicalities. For example, if someone gets assaulted, my brain fixates on stuff like “what was she wearing”even though I know how harmful that line of thinking is. That is exactly the kind of thing my mind zooms in on. It happens with a bunch of topics too, not just that. I feel like I have to give the benefit of the doubt to the aggressor or see “both sides,” and then I end up doubting the victim. And the worst part is, it feels like I truly believe these devil’s advocate thoughts. It feels so real. It’s like I become convinced that the victim might be lying or that there’s some justification for the harm, and I don’t like it. This even happens with my boyfriend and especially his family. I’ll catch my brain flipping narratives or making me question people I trust. this has been a “habit”for as long as I can remember but now it’s happening so much more. I cannot stop doubting. It feels like I’m siding with people who I should have no doubts to be against. I don’t know what to do or what kind of ERP would work for this. I don’t know how to change this. It’s been apart of me so long, it simply feels like me.

Is there someone here who can do my diagnosis free? I did self diagnosis and for a year firmly believed its OCD but now I get thoughts that it's not OCD bcz I did on my own. It says it's only bcz your religion prohibits the things you have thoughts about, that's why you repulse them so it's not OCD. I can't take therapy as well so I'm very disturbed

*PLEASE READ* *any help appreciated* So I work with kids and it’s a lightning rod for triggering my POCD. I work with a mental health org that supports kids with autism and other intellectual development disorders. And so I’ve grown really close with one kid since I started since I was his first ever staff and he was the first ever kid I worked with. I’ve grown really protective of him and we’ve become really close and our relationship truly means the world to me. But before I get into my little incident, I have to provide context: so I am hypersexual and struggle with compulsive masturbation and my urges are almost uncontrollable sometimes. I have a lot of trauma from foot fetish stuff/pornography as a kid and it’s carried on into my adult life unfortunately. And so as I was waking up my kid and trying to get him out of bed to get him into the shower (I usually give him a few extra minutes but if he’s uncooperative I have to pull him out of bed gently) and so I just shift him by his legs bc it’s easiest. And my urges and thoughts have been so bad lately and when he wasn’t cooperating, as I was shifting his legs today, his foot touched my private area and I carried on normally but now I feel like a monster and everything I fear. I need some advice bc I’m scared to even talk to my therapist about this bc I think I will go to jail. I don’t want to be like this and I hate POCD so much and I rlly care so much for this kid and would actually die for him to protect him. I just need someone to tell me I’m not crazy bc idk if that contact between us was intentional or not and I have not spiraled like this for so long. I truly am losing my mind and want to give up bc I know I am not the person my POCD tells me I am but now I feel like I am everything it calls me. I feel so ashamed and repulsed and disgusted in myself and wish I didn’t exist. I feel like I’ve exploited my kid and taken advantage of him and that I don’t deserve to have him in my life and that I don’t even deserve to life and would be better off in jail or dead. im so broken and I’m sorry if what im saying is confusing

i think i might be struggling with depression. can depression make ocd worse? because lately, my intrusive thoughts have become so intense that even trying to sit with them doesn’t help. i hate that i can’t even go one full day without giving in to a compulsion. the horrible, blasphemous thoughts are so overwhelming that i sometimes feel like giving up and just believing them—not because i actually want to, but because I’m so mentally and emotionally exhausted. what scares me most is that my feelings feel so twisted now… like i’m starting to like or want these cruel thoughts. it’s terrifying because i feel like i’m becoming the kind of person I never wanted to be—a cruel person, even an enemy of God. and i don’t want that at all. i'm just scared i’m changing into someone i’m not.

i'm scared of my life right now. yesterday, i really had very dark and blasphemous thoughts about Jesus, and i think i believed and agree with them. as i think about it right now, i think i smiled or felt proud of it yesterday. i wasn't even sure if i laughed, felt proud, agree, or believed it—but i think i did believe and agree with it. yesterday, i felt sick too because of a cold, and i think i'm going through depression for days, so i felt so exhausted. as i'm typing right now the phrase that i'm going through depression and felt sick yesterday, my brain says that maybe i'm just using those as an excuse to not look horrible. today, i feel so horrible because what happened yesterday is very wrong. i shouldn't believe or agree in that. Jesus is very kind and loving, so why would i agree with those blasphemous thoughts? i hate what is happening to me right now. i feel like i'm not sorry enough for the blasphemous thoughts i had about Jesus. i feel so terrible. i feel like i'm starting to get cruel. even with random people, i'm having cruel thoughts and feel like i agree with them. i'm not like this before. i don't know why i feel this way—like i will just fully believe and agree in every cruel thought i have. i feel like i have no energy to really feel bad, even though i know how terrible those thoughts are. i don't want to be a cruel person. i feel so sorry and bad for the thoughts i had about Jesus and those people, and it doesn't help that i keep thinking about whether i really believed and agree with them. i'm also scared because i'm thinking i'm developing psychosis. i've been analyzing my behavior before and earlier, and i'm scared that too much thinking will lead me there. i'm scared because i also have urges to laugh sometimes, and i have random thoughts and phrases that comes on my mouth that are unrelated to what i'm doing. my emotions also don’t match the situation sometimes. i'm also talking to myself out loud—i’m doing it to answer back to my ocd and explain things, but sometimes i'm doing it randomly or out of nowhere but i'm aware of it. i'm so scared of developing psychosis. i'm 17, and i can't see the purpose of living like this. i hate my brain. i hate myself. i feel so cruel. if i die, i'm thinking i’ll go to hell because i believed and agree on the blasphemous thoughts i had about Jesus, even though i cry, hurt myself, and acknowledge how horrible and wrong they are already. i feel like i'm still believing and agreeing on those blasphemous thoughts, like they have a point—and i hate that. it is so horrible. i even scared how my feelings are not aligned, like i really like it. i don't know why i feel this way. i'm so cruel. when i think about healing myself, i feel so undeserving of it—because why would a cruel person like me deserve that? why would someone who might commit blasphemy against Jesus heal? i just want to d!e. i'm so tired. i don't care about myself anymore, but i'm so scared and worried about what i've done to Jesus. can you help me? i badly need help. i don't know what to do anymore. i feel so condemned. i feel like i'm about to develop psychosis because of this. please help me. i feel so cruel.

Been off this app for 2 years. Now I’m back with a terrible theme of getting cancer and dying. I can’t sleep, can barely eat, and think about it constantly. I’ve posted on Reddit to alleviate stress, but nothing works. I will die regardless and no one can assure me I won’t get cancer. I just want to stop worrying and feeling so scared all the time. I’m a med student and I want to drop out because I don’t think I can handle seeing people sick and not assuming it’ll happen to me

A year ago u started to have these debilitating sexual intrusive thoughts sometimes they’d even come in forms of demands and a thing I’d do slit is agree but then if get really sad bc in my heart it didn’t feel right that wasnt something I wanted I started to lose myself so terribly my entire identity was stripped away from me I had zero clue of who I’d been my life before wasnt great but it was mine yk so ofc I started to perform compulsions like avoidance and other things bc I was genuinely scared my future felt threatened I tried everything no matter how much I’d say no, tried to agree, tried accepting the thoughts in hopes of recovery they only became louder until there was no me just thoughts but I started playing volleyball and it was something that truly grounded me for the first time I felt like myself I was doing whatever I wanted despite my thoughts I was being defiant i even started to like a girl and I liked her so much because she was the first person I’ve ever liked while liking myself and I Always felt guilty because I thought I wasn’t doing enough to honor my past or I felt like I should be doing more because I felt better but I moved on anyway despite the guilt but a couple months ago I had a panic attack it was weeks of intrusive thoughts leading up to it and I started to feel immense guilt I felt like I was losing myself again like it Was time for me to pay penance and it sounds terrible to describe it that way but the way they were so loud so demanding I felt guilty because before all my intrusive thoughts came I wouldn’t have felt like this and I wouldn’t have not wanted whatever was in my thoughts to happen so then it got louder thoughts like “ if ur reacting this way to one thing why not another” “u should feel this way because u would’ve in the past” and I couldn’t say no because it was true in the past I would’ve wanted that right so the louder it got the more I agreed because I felt like i wasnt allowed to say no and there’d be this quiet when I agreed it wasnt peace but quiet and I felt like I should’ve been grateful and when I’d break from the agreeing it was too late I craved the quiet but not the thoughts and I couldn’t have one without the other so now I feel like I’m on the outside looking in on my own life and there’s nothing I can do abt it bc I was given the Opportunity to feel better and did nothing abt it

i think i started finding comfort in my own sadness and pain. yes, i want to heal. i want to smile again. i want to get better, but i feel like i don't because life is painful and i feel horrible. but when i don't feel depressed or in pain, when i can smile, i feel like i don't deserve it. i feel like pain, tears, or feeling depressed means i feel sorry. i feel guilty. now that i feel a bit numb, i'm searching for pain because i've been feeling depressed for days. i think my mind is burned out and needs rest, but i have this thought that after i rest, i must resolve every thought i have. i've been stuck in this situation because of these feelings and thoughts. i'm really struggling with severe religious ocd and have started developing moral ocd as well. i can barely see the light in my life anymore. i feel so condemned and unforgivable for every thought i have. i don't know if it's really me or not. i don't know what to do. i feel so lost. i feel so confused. i feel so undeserving, and i can't see my life without God, but i keep on hurting Him with my thoughts. i'm so tired of everything. more tired and done with myself.

I uninstalled this app for a while bc i was posting very much, but my compulsions continued. I went to a festival with my boyfriend and my friends, i waited one year for this moment and , it was like hell bc of my thoughts. It made me act so bad, i had so many mood swings, i was crying randomly bc i was thinking i am not in love anymore. even in the last day of the festival, in the middle of frikng Ken Carsons show, i had thoughts about me not loving my boyfriend, that the annoys me and it just felt so real. It felt and it feels straight up like it is real this time and i dont know what to do. Maybe this is not ocd and i just found an excuse all this time. Im avoiding intimacy, im not saying i love you, i feel repulsed by him for no reason, all off this is like proof to me but it feels so bad. So so bad. I ruined the moment i was waiting for so much, and not only for me, but for him, someone here told me i feel out of love. Im scared that this is not ocd. that im just a good person who does not accept the truth, and that dosent want to hurt him. I feel like i have changed and have no feelings. He tells me that im not supposed to feel love everytime but why dont i feel it al all. im scared and tierd. Im scared that i do t have ocd. i have been lime this for so long, (2 years) that i started to think i never loved him and i just want the ideea of me to love him, and maybe im crying rn not because i want to love him but because im tierd of feeling like this. please someone help me. i dont know what is happening. i cant even kiss him or be intimate and im thinking “LOOK IS PROOF I DONT LOVE HIM” . PLUS im so rude to him and im acting badly and when he tells me he dosent feel loved i feel so numb. like i do t care???? is this real??? it feels real this time??? maybe this is not rocd, i cant enjoy anything and it somehow makes sense that i only want the ideea of liking him please i told my mom i dont feel live and she told me “Why are you struggling? Are you staying with him out of pity or out of compromise? Have you been like this for 2 years? How long will you last?” im hurting myslef and him

Hello. I joined this app because I realised my experiences might be due to OCD. I often have these really disgusting and terrible pictures of me becoming someone horrible, doing horrible things to others. These ideas really disturb me, and often in my mind, and physically sometimes, I literally scream quitely to myself, "Shut up!" Over and over until the image goes away, but unless I distract myself with something else immediately after, it comes back and gets worse. I also end up looking back on these thoughts, and being terrified that maybe I am thinking of this because it is what I truly want, so I end up desperately trying to filter my thoughts, and this ends up carrying into something like SO-OCD, even though I am confident that I am a straight male, and there is no evidence that I am not, I keep trying to prove to myself that I am straight to make the thought go away. I also get the fear that after I maybe do something and say something I know I maybe shouldn't have to someone, that when they leave, or I can't find them for a bit, they have gone to commit suicide. Likewise, I also get intrusive thoughts of me killing myself, even though I have no desire to, and this scares me a lot as well. I used to occasionally get these thoughts in chunks like maybe for 2 weeks and then I wouldn't for another few weeks, but they have gotten worse and more frequent this past semester. They are still not bad enough to actively effect my daily life and routine, but they definitely come frequently enough to distract me, disrupt what I'm doing and make me take a break, and it has dramatically effected my mood and mental state lately. Do you guys recommend any ways to deal with this, is this really severe enough to even call OCD? Would love to hear, thanks! ❤️

Hey everyone — I just want to say upfront that as someone who actively deals with real events OCD, most of the posts I share here are going to come straight from my personal experience. Just real & lived reality. Because I know how lonely this type of OCD can feel, and if there’s even one person out there who reads my words and feels less alone — then it’s worth sharing every piece of it. Now… let’s talk about the kind of OCD that doesn’t get enough attention. The kind that doesn’t just whisper scary things — it reminds you of real ones. Real Events OCD. This isn’t about bizarre or outta nowhere intrusive thoughts. This is the kind that takes real things you’ve done — whether it was a genuine mistake, a cringey moment, a bad decision, or even something you already made peace with — and it replays them on a loop like a horror film in your head. It’s the constant questioning: “Am I actually a good person?” “Was that actually wrong and I just didn’t realize it?” “What if I’ve hurt someone and don’t deserve to be okay?” And it’s exhausting. I’ve had moments where I can’t focus, can’t sleep, can’t breathe because my brain pulls up something from years ago and convinces me I’m evil, dangerous, unforgivable. I can be having a good day, laughing with people I love, and boom — my mind hits me with “Remember this? You should feel horrible about it forever.” Even if I’ve apologized. Even if I’ve changed. Even if I’ve done the work. Real Events OCD doesn’t care. It thrives off your guilt. It uses your conscience against you. And when you’re young — still figuring out who you are, still healing — it makes you question whether you even deserve to move forward. That’s what’s so cruel about it. It doesn’t just make you anxious. It makes you feel like you’re a danger to the people you love. That you’re secretly the villain in your own story. But let me tell you something I’ve been learning — slowly, painfully, but honestly.. You are not your past. You are not your worst mistake. And you are not the voice in your head trying to punish you forever. You’re a person with a heart. A person who cares. And that’s exactly why OCD picked this flavor to mess with you. ERP is SOO helping. So is community. But the biggest help? Giving myself permission to stop chasing reassurance and start living again. I do not have to confess, over and over, for the rest of my life. I do not have to torture myself to prove I’m good. I can grow — and growing is enough. So if you’re reading this and you know exactly what I’m talking about… I see you. I am you. Let’s keep showing up. Let’s keep living. Let’s keep healing — even when OCD tells us we don’t deserve to. You do. I do. We all do.

I think i have ocd. Two years ago i had a few panic attack and person related obsessions that i couldnt get over. Now since i’m free of college and work i have an intrusive thought about hitting myself. It is panicking and i don’t know what to do. I have already acted twice on the thoughts but now my mind says i have to hit harder… i know it sounds weird, but does anyone have any tips etc..? :)