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I thought I was doing better this week and I have a little bit but ever since I had this one specific thought pop up again it’s been bothering me so much. I’ve posted about it before basically giving the rundown talking about how last year in October about seven months after my fiancé and I started dating, an old guy friend messaged me on Snapchat and awhile later I was in the shower and went on snap for some reason and saw the chat and then I responded, I don’t remember what he said and I don’t remember what I said, but I remember that I removed him right after because I didn’t talk to him anymore and I just wanted to be respectful of my relationship, that part I know. My OCD has been trying to convince me that I flirted, or that I cheated on my fiancé, which I know that I would never do. What bothers me is that my OCD didn’t attach to that memory until months after it happened. The memory happened in October 2024 and then I told my fiancé at the beginning of this year because I remembered it, and I was anxious about it for awhile until my OCD attached to something else. Then it came back to this thought and I’ve been struggling with it for almost 3 weeks. Mostly because my OCD is like “If you didn’t tell him right after, that means it happened and you were hiding it,” or “If you’re feeling anxious and guilty and so worried about it, that’s means you did it.” Etc. And my OCD is convincing me I’ve done it when I know I’d never ever do that to my fiancé, I truthfully don’t know how to deal with this thought because I know some people say you have to say “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,” but I can’t even say that because I can’t even fathom or imagine myself doing these things to my fiancé it hurts my heart too much and makes me sick to my stomach.

Hello, I want to know if I love or not, if it's habit or it's attachment or it's that I felt saved by her, who is the only person I talk to about my OCD, the thing is that Today we saw each other and I was indifferent to being with her and with a heaviness in my chest as if she forced me, but she told me at the end of the date, "everything will be fine, you don't want to be unfaithful, you want to break up to escape sometimes, you feel that you treat me badly, you blame yourself a lot" Then I became happy and calm, I felt that the relationship could move forward with that happiness, but it faded and now, well, he wanted to give me my POCD, he was activated by seeing a live where they hunt pedophiles, also when looking for ROCD, POCD video came out and a guy who in a comment said "I want my cousin but I don't do anything to her, he is about 9 years old" More or less the comment was like he was repressing himself and I worried about thinking that that could be me, the thing is that in the afternoon when I returned to my house, my POCD was activated because I was researching Stephen King's "IT", due to tiktok and a murky part of the book came out where children do adult things and at that moment I felt horrible, The thing is that when I felt bad about Pedophilia, I felt like I wanted to be with my girlfriend, but then I kind of felt that with my girlfriend I don't love her and I only use her to feel good or not fall into OCD, since she is the only person I talk to, I slept a little and I felt lonely, I woke up and I felt alone, I feel like I don't love her anymore or I feel a heaviness or a melancholy feeling in my chest, it's ROCD or I'm only with her because she makes me feel safe and in the end I don't love her???, Please write as many as you can, if something is not understood it is that I use a translator

I have a girlfriend, we have been together for 3 years, the thing is that several times I wanted to end her on the impulse of nothing, well not so many, about 2 times, also sometimes I felt that if another girl seemed attractive to me, it is that I wanted to be unfaithful and since several seemed attractive to me I was afraid of deceiving myself and forcing myself to love Until one day we argued and we didn't talk to each other all day and I saw a classmate from my university as attractive and the thought of being unfaithful came to me, but I didn't do anything, I even felt an emptiness in myself, this or even thinking about breaking up when we argued, brings me to today's question A week ago I felt a disconnection, that I was forcing myself to love her or I was deceiving myself to love her because everything I did felt forced, that she did not show real affection and was forcing me and with the above mentioned I felt worse, I felt that I played with her and I did not love her and before she asked me these same questions, but they disappeared, but now I ask artificial intelligence, I look for videos on TikTok, it says it's OCD, but I wonder if it's Today I reached my limit, because we saw each other, we had some time alone and when I was with her I seemed ugly or irritable and that had me thinking all day, I even told her to end the relationship because I lie to myself and I must stay out of habit or loneliness, I cried, I hit myself, I felt nauseous being at that point, and I even feel my chest heavy, I would like your opinion on whether it looks OCD or just I don't love it anymore, I appreciate the answer, sorry if you don't understand parts, I use a translator

Recently, i've been really hyper fixated on death. I saw a video of a really bad car crash and i get intense anxiety everytime i drive. all i can think of all day are the possible ways i can die. i'll get very vivid images of myself dying in the worst ways possible, and it's making me miserable. everytime i leave the house i make sure to give my family a good farewell cause it feels like that'll be the last time ill ever see them every time i leave the house. i do compulsions related to these thoughts as well. for example, ill do the typical "do that action a certain amount of times or you'll die" compulsions. the butterfly effect also really gets me, because i always overthink everything i do, thinking it'll somehow affect the future and lead to my death. like this morning i made myself stop and count to ten before i got into the car so i could avoid an accident i supposedly would've gotten into if i left ten seconds earlier. i get into mental crises every time someone mentions death or an event involving it. i can't watch the news or horror movies anymore. just now, i was in public and getting into my head imagining an intruder holding me at gunpoint and shooting me, and a stranger asked if i was okay (i guess i was making a worried face lol). but it's affecting everything i do and i cried all last night convincing myself i was going to get into a fatal car accident on the way to work today. i think a lot of this got triggered when i watched the final destination movie. i'm never watching anything from that franchise again cause that movie messed me up and ive been having these intrusive thoughts ever since and that was like 5-6 months ago😭 but i need help on how to combat these thoughts because i can't even hear the words "death" or "manifestation" without going into a crisis.

How does everyone try to combat their real event OCD? I keep remembering this certain memory where an old friend of mine from a group years ago who was a guy messaged me on Snapchat last year on Halloween he said something to me. I don’t remember what he said and I responded and I don’t remember what I said, but I do remember that I removed him right after, as well as one other guy, I do remember why I removed them and it was because I had a thought where I was like “I don’t want my fiance seeing these guys that I used to talk to on my snap and think that I’m doing something wrong or anything.” I know I removed them out of respect for our relationship and I remembered because I remembered I had gotten an anxious and nervous because they were still on my snap, but 2 months after I un added that guy off my snap(December 2024) I panicked because I don’t remember what I said or he said and I got worried about what if I flirted and said something wrong. I spoke to my fiancé about it and he pretty much reassured me and he told me that if I had actually done something out of that intent, I wouldn’t have told him about it at all, so that helped me and reassured me for a little bit, and then my OCD moved on to another theme for months. Fast forward to now, I remembered the same thing and my thought was “What if I cheated and I blocked it out of my memory.” And I started freaking out again and I started panicking. I told my fiancé about it again and he reassured me again but recently my OCD has been really bad and every theme I’ve had has caused me to have bad mental breakdowns intensely, it just sucks because I can’t go check if I actually said something flirty and I just didn’t realize it because I added the guy last year right after I talk to him I just wanted to know if anyone has any thing that they do whenever they have a problem with their relevant OCD around the cheating theme. Because my fiancé is a god sent and I’d never ever want to hurt him, I hate that my ocd attaches to him because it makes me feel like I’m a horrible person.

What if you did something so extremely disgusting, awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were genuinely extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and vomit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (happened 3 times) from when I was 13 or 14... I cant remember... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rpist at all… I was either 13 or 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 24... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was either 13 or 14 at the time… now I’m 24… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was either 13 or 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was either 13 or 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I cant remember if i was 13 or 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13-14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14 because someone told me what these real events were before on the same day it happened for the 1st time... (it happened 3 times) but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... These real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and vOmit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was also extremely horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible... (edited)

Ik the answer is probably “you can’t” but I wanna ask: how do I tell the difference between real attraction vs false attraction I was running a meeting with a colleague/friend. I was telling her about my new jeans that I got for free (cuz they’re sick as hell, they’re denim cargos) and that’s when I got the groinal response. I did also do some public speaking stuff (regarding Palestine and some upcoming protests the students are doing and we are going to be part of as a club as we are signatories, and I didn’t know if anyone was against Palestine in the room) and had convos with other people about school and MCAT prep (most of our club members are premed/comp sci students lol. We’re nerds). I also did tell said colleague about a weird convo I had with a man while I was getting my coffee (also regarding Palestine, I was wearing my keffiyeh. It was weird. I told her about the racial profiling the same guy (possibly?) was going to hijabi girls and it freaked us both out.) and then the groinal response stayed till we left the meeting/building together. And I’m slightly worried I like her. But I don’t. I know what crushes feel like for me. This was not that. I usually get butterflies very quickly when I have a crush. That’s what happened with my current bf whom I love dearly. And when it comes to arousal I feel it very intensely in my groin/stomach. This was not that. It was a tingle and I did feel some discharge. Idk it freaked me the hell out and I’m nervous I’m gonna start developing feelings. How would I know if I am and how do I know if this was false attraction? It definitely bothered me, I didn’t want the thoughts my brain threw at me and I didn’t wanna feel aroused in any way by this friend. She’s a good friend and a good colleague. And we’re both dating people. Regardless. If we weren’t I wouldn’t wanna date her either. But my brain keeps yelling at me yes yes yes you do. I’m just constantly worried now that I’m attracted to her lately. It’s been jumping from friend to friend. Friends in my dorm hall, a random male candidate I interviewed (who happens to be friends with said colleague) and now this colleague. I don’t like this feeling. I was also fighting the urge to tell people the whole love story between me and my bf cuz LOL I love telling it. So clearly I do love him, but now I’m worried that urge was there to suppress smtjn but it was just there cuz a lot of things we did reminded me of him and I wanted to tell people who didn’t know or weren’t familiar with my bf and I our story (cuz it sounds like a damn romcom. We met at an origami meeting where we made elephants (which I still have), I fell first, I found out he was Muslim, I’m catholic, star crossed lovers lol, I confessed, we cried, we started dating. He happens to be of a reputable family in our uni city which is just 😃fuxking wonderful. His parents hate me, he loves me, my ocd just sounds like a foghorn but I fight through it for him. We’ve been together almost 2 years and we plan to get married hopefully in the future. This is my first long term relationship so I am petrified I am a liar or hiding my true sexuality or smthn lol yay ocd right 😃 but yeah. The whole thing was really romantic. At least to me. My friend hid my dirty laundry for me while he and I talked. We kissed. We cuddled for 6 hours and watched Vox machina. Neither of us could stop smiling. I was so scared but it has been so surreal. It still is. When I have a clear head god I can see how much I adore him but I’m so worried it’s comphet or if it’s just normal relationship stuff. Idk how this works honestly. I adore him. He makes me feel so happy. I love how he looks at me. How I feel when I look at him. But every time I say anything that I actually truly feel I start getting nauseous or having that globus sensation in my throat.) Anyways I’m gonna go lose my mind over calculus and also eat some Popeyes.

I always wondered, when it truly happened, that it started. The earliest moment, that my memory takes me, is when I was around 9 or 10. I had my very first panic attack, without anyone realizing what it was. It was horrible, I thought i was going to die, the guilt overwhelming me. My parents told me, that I was overreacting. No one, not even I, realized, that what i called 'a weird feeling' was a panic attack. I had trouble breathing, threw up, shook like a leaf, yet I often felt, like i was a burden on my mom, who often stayed with me at night to help me calm down. I always felt like i was weird, a freak, someone who doesn't deserve any friends (my OCD was about following certain rules). I pushed away all people i had cared about, to scared to harm them by accident, to scared, that they would tell me something and I would not be able to keep it a secret and something bad could happen - like it would be so bad, I would call the police or tell their parent about it. So I fully isolated myself from society, from my sibling, parents, pushed away all my friends, who soon became just a memory in the past. I was fully alone, afraid of hearing any whisper in the public bathroom, terrified, it would trigger a panic attack. I was in high-school, when for almost 4 years, I had isolated myself from everyone - i was totally alone, only with myself. Only after taking my final example, having had a panic attack so bad, I had to force myself to breathe, not to faint, that I tried to get help. I lived around 9 years, believing, that my OCD was simply a ruthless, horrible part of myself, that i hated. Only then I realized, that something was 'wrong' with me, that it wasnt truly me, who was at fault. A few months later, I had been diagnosed with OCD. 2 years passed, yet I still wonder, how long did it take other people, to realize, that the problem wasnt them, but the OCD, that was the issue. And I dont mean the diagnosis, but the realization, that its not me, but something beyond my control. Its my first time posting, so I got a bit carried away. If you feel comfortable to share, how long did it take you to figure out?

i suffer from religious ocd and it's been really bad recently. i don't consider myself religious but i still have religious OCD so things get complicated. i was raised in a christian household, but idk if id consider myself fully christian, i just believe in the existence of religion and life after death in general. anyway, i get very triggered every time i hear any word that has to do with religion. i always feel like i have to quickly pray or else something bad will happen or ill accidentally summon a demon or something. just writing this is making me nervous and i lowkey just prayed😭😭. and by pray i literally mean just a quick "in jesus name i pray, amen." or a "i claim no negative energy, amen." i also feel the urge to pray anytime i have something at stake, like a concert or a test, and i'll distress myself over these events and convince myself ill fail if i don't pray and anger god. and like i said, im not even sure im christian so this seems silly, i know! but i literally pray in my head hundreds of times a day and it's really frustrating and time consuming. also, i never feel like the prayer is "enough", so sometimes ill get caught in prayer loops where i just keep reciting the same thing in my head until i feel satisfied or get distracted. one time, i even convinced myself my stuffed animal was possessed by a demon and had a panic attack (i was aware it was irrational but you know how OCD is). i really need help because simple words trigger my OCD now and i can't enjoy things i used to, like horror movies, anymore. it's taking too much time out of my day and too much energy out of me. simple tasks are becoming distressing. does anyone have advice or a similar experience?

This peaked during the pandemic, but for a while my OCD would tell me that everyone was actively trying to kill and humiliate me at all times. I was convinced that there were cameras in my house and toilets and showers, and i refused to shower for a week at one point. I convinced myself that people could see through my eyes and just felt super watched and paranoid at all times, and would sometimes have panic attacks at school because of these thoughts. I also couldn't leave my food alone in a room because i thought "they" would poison it. Who was "they"? Idk i just felt super paranoid all the time. These thoughts greatly impacted my life. For example, one time i was making myself food and i spent 30 mins picking out the right bowl because i had convinced myself that all of them were poisoned but one of them. However, i was aware that these were irrational thoughts, but you know how OCD is. I became heavily suicidal because since i thought people were planning to kill me, i wanted to be the one to take myself out. it was a super dark time and my mom wasn't supportive at all. when i opened up to her, she took it as a stab at her parenting and grounded me. i eventually saw a therapist and am mostly better but i still have my compulsions from this time. to counter these thoughts i created incantations i would recite in my head, and in my head it felt like these phrases were like magic spells that could, for example, turn off the cameras in my house. i had a different phrase for every OCD thought and some have merged into one, but i still recite them to this day and it takes alot of time out of my day. for example, before i shower i have to recite my phrases or else i feel super panicky. i also have rules for them? like i can't recite the same phrase more than one time in an hour or it will cancel itself out and i won't be able to "turn it back on" until the next hour. anyway, i know this was a lot of words, but im just curious on if anyone had a similar experience and what classification these OCD thoughts even fall into.

Someone who has hocd want to chat?

Does anyone get intrusive images with their ocd about them committing the intrusive thought? The worst one I’ve been having recently is “What if I sent or posted a nude on a game, social media, internet etc.” and I have been panicking for days, I keep getting images of me committing the action of sending one and I’m going crazy, it’s caused me to break down or get cold chills or even just panic 24/7. I’ve been feeling guilty constantly, fweling like I’ve done the worst thing possible and even been feeling down all the time thinking about it and just feeling mentally exhausted:( And there is no possible way for me to check if I actually did so because I’ve had to delete any games with chat boxes or ability to post pictures on there, and I can’t even really use social media without freaking out. I know a lot of people say that if it bothers you so much and it makes you worry so much then it’s not true and you didn’t do the thing that you think you did and I always try to remind myself that I know I would never do that because I would never ever want to hurt my fiancé, but the “what if you did and you just don’t remember?” Thought drains me daily. Does anyone else relate?

This flare up masculine lesbians or masculine presenting women are a HUGE trigger for me. It’s the whole reason why I went into a SOOCD spiral in the first place when I was 15. I thought a masculine presenting female kpop idol was attractive bc they looked like a man. But anyways, I have been around lesbians and masculine lesbians since my childhood and never had any attraction towards them or any woman. However ocd is latching onto one memory from a super long time ago. My mind could also be distorting my memories and I don’t fully remember it. When I was at practice I looked at my teammate (who was a very masculine lesbian) and wondered why she looked like a boy. Immediately after thinking that I got an intrusive thought like “does that mean you like her” and as soon as that thought popped up a huge wave of anxiety and discomfort washed over me. I started to freak out and I looked at her face to check if I did, she was smiling and I noticed she wasn’t ugly and that made me more anxious. But I remember closing my eyes, taking a breath, looked at her again, felt nothing, and moved on. I saw her multiple times after that and I never once found her attractive or had any crush on her. I can’t even remember her that much because she was so insignificant in my life. But my brain keeps telling me that it’s proof. I remember two of my friends in high school telling me they sometimes thought masc lesbians were guys and sometimes found them cute, but after finding out they were girls they just moved on. I remember my friend saying “Yeah sometimes ill be on instagram and think omg he’s so cute, check their page, see that ooohhh…its a girl, and go nvm and move on” those were her exact words too, and she’s still straight. The false attractions (I hope and pray they’re false) are eating me alive. I don’t think my brain can accept acknowledging that someone is attractive while not being attracted if that makes sense. Every false attraction feels so real (esp bc my attraction to men is literally gone and has been for years) but it leaves me feeling so anxious, awful, and depressed. But 2 months ago, prior to the spiral, the attraction I felt for my boyfriend felt so genuine and good 😭. I’m telling you I’ve been a numb rock towards men for so many years now but that one hangout me and my man had woke up those feelings again. I say it in almost every post but I just wanted him to kiss me SO BAD the entire hangout. His smile had me mesmerized and I felt so shy but in a good way 😭.I don’t even know how to describe it anymore bc I feel so numb towards him now and all the attraction has left. I think it’s also because we can’t see each other that often because of school so i’m left to ruminate about everything. I’ve been dealing with this theme for so long and i’ve felt nothing but depressed and numb to everything whenever it takes a break from terrorizing me. There’s so much proof against me but deep deep down I know what I want. I felt it 2 months ago when my mind was clear and ocd wasn’t bothering me as much. But as soon as ocd comes into the picture i’m back to being numb and start to doubt EVERYTHING. I just want this shit to end 😭. I’m so so exhausted that I’m going to see a doctor to see if I can start medication. I need all the help I can get at this point. I don’t think this amount of emotional and mental numbness is normal and my depression fully back again. I’m so tired of feeling like a rock.

I dont care what anyone says, i literally just know that my events are the worst out of everyones on this whole app. I have so many of them, and one in particular i dont think i could really ever tell anyone in full detail. Ive been looking into therapy recently because im so tired of living my life with these feelings of immense guilt and despair when i have such amazing and supportive people that keep my head on straight, but im scared to even disclose to a therapist because i dont know how they would react to my confessions. Im not even sure most therapists are even qualified to intake the issues id be laying down. It so gutwrenchingly awful to know that you try as hard as you can every day to be a good person, and by every measure you appear as a normal person or even a good person to most people but really all you do is wear a mask every day. Every time someone asks me if im okay i have to lie because if i told them the truth i would have nobody. I dont care if i made these mistakes as a literal child. It just doesnt matter to me because most people dont have to make the same mistakes i did to know better, its just straight up common sense. I think im just a gardbage throwaway human who HAPPENS to have OCD. I hope when i pass that whoever makes that final judgement on my soul truly has mercy on me because i really need it. I literally ruined my image of myself and therefore my life before it even got the chance to really start, i just wish so desperately i could be like everyone else. Nothing will ever allow me to go back in time so theres probably no path of redemption for me. Im sorry to everyone who cares about me, im really not who you perceive me to be as much as it pains me deeply to say

Hi guys I really struggle with compulsively googling or going through my text messages from years ago or going through my pictures to try to prove/ disprove things based around my obsessions (sure many can relate) . I am at the point where I feel like I need to just live without technology but we all know that’s lowkey impossible in this day and age. I am a student and currently hunting for full time jobs so maybe a flip would make things difficult idk. I am confused though, because if I do get a flip phone, would that be like avoidance over sitting with discomfort, or would it force me to sit with it like “welp I have no way of knowing” Also I know that you can still text and take pictures and all that sort of thing on a flip but I think it would help me with my compulsive googling or not going through my contacts if I start fresh with a flip. like on the one hand it would help with not being able to do a compulsion but on the other it’s like I feel like I wouldn’t be stopping the compulsion out of my own will power, I just straight up wouldn’t really be able to do the compulsion. This is all so confusing. Anyways - opinions?

What if you did something so extremely awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (happened 3 times) from when I was 13 or 14... I cant remember... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rpist at all… I was either 13 or 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 24... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was either 13 or 14 at the time… now I’m 24… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was either 13 or 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was either 13 or 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I cant remember if i was 13 or 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13-14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14 because someone told me what these real events were before on the same day it happened for the 1st time... (it happened 3 times) but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... These real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and vOmit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was also extremely horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible...

I’m really, really spiraling, and I haven’t seen anyone talk about this. I think it might be something related to moral OCD. The topic of deportation is really getting to me, and I’m Latina myself. Anyway, I feel like people who are undocumented deserve to get caught and deported, and this is distressing me a lot. No matter how much I don’t want to agree with that, it feels like I do agree with it wholeheartedly. I think part of it is that if they weren’t undocumented, technically there wouldn’t be an issue, there wouldn’t be a problem, this wouldn’t be happening. I don’t know if this is stemming from anxiety or something else, but I feel like an awful person because I have people close to me who are undocumented, kind sweet loving people. I feel like I don’t know what to think. I see videos where people are mistreated, and it makes me so angry to see those power trips and the poor people who don’t deserve it. It just… I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m in the middle of a panic attack right now because this feels really, really important. I don’t know if anyone else has struggled with this or with other moral themes, and I feel scared because this feels so real. I don’t feel scared, I feel worried. I know that the distressed contradicts the thought, but I’m telling you it does not feel like that matters right now, not one bit and maybe that’s because I’m stuck on a technicality maybe it’s because it’s stemming from anxiety, but I really need input right now :( I feel like a monster reading this back, plis help

With the adding list of horrible real POCD events, plus the fear of my worst POCD fears ever coming true growing more and more possible by the day, I cant find hope right now... I wont ever harm or delete myself, but honestly, living right now is the worst hell I can ever have. A never ending purgatory of not knowing if my worst pocd fears will ever be realized, or just having to be forever uncertain... I genuinely cant find a reason to hope... nor a reason to live...

I need a miracle bc i’m sick of this. I hope and pray this is SOOCD and that I actually have OCD. I was doing sm better a couple months ago. I felt hope after years of depression and numbness. As soon as I feel something other than negative emotions or nothing at all, OCD immediately tries to fuck it up. Why won’t this leave me alone? If those past memories/proof mean something I pray it means i’m at least just bi bc bi women don’t HAVE to be with women. I just keep on ruminating and analyzing, analyzing my past relationship (i had soocd before and during it so odd is latching onto everything ocd made me go through while being with him), replaying and analyzing memories of childhood exploration/ regular memories (like checking if i had attraction to male characters in movies i liked and worrying bc I can’t remember if i did or not), creating false ones?, checking, i’m constantly triggered by EVERYTHING, and I’m worried even more now bc I don’t have that many thoughts as before. Then I try to analyze if I had a lot of thoughts in the past when the theme started bc if I didn’t then maybe this isn’t even OCD. This all started bc I thought a masculine presenting woman in a kpop group was attractive 5 fucking years ago bc she looked like a male kpop idol. I rmbr I was so uncomfortable when I realized she was a woman. I even remember thinking “does this mean i’m bi? let me pretend to fangirl over her like I do with guys just to check.” It didn’t feel right but it was stuck in my mind and wouldn’t leave. Looking back, this theme was building up earlier but i wasn’t phased bc my attraction to men wasn’t gone. Sadly i’ve been numb for years now and i’m still dealing with this years later. Now that I’m having a flare up, every time i see a masc lesbian now I feel like i HAVE TO BE attracted and it can’t just be false attraction. Also i fucking hate how when I’m feeling terrible everything that triggers me just pops up on my screen. I feel so numb towards everything. I feel numb towards my boyfriend and my relationship (I was so excited for my relationship and my attraction for him felt so real, wanted, and genuine) but when he does something that hurts my feelings somehow i can feel that and nothing else? I hate this I hate this I HATE THIS.

I notice that the thoughts aren’t constant and just pop from time to time. However the rumination is constant. I do have other annoying mental compulsions but i’m just worried that it’s not OCD. The thoughts dont feel loud but they do make me ruminate. Sometimes they’re “what ifs” or “this happened which means this and your a liar” or they’re like memories/flash backs. But they’re not constant which makes me worry that this has never been OCD. I keep ruminating ab weird childhood exploration, uncomfortable memories, fake memories, and (TMI) past random arousal in the past that didn’t align with me and my wants. Idk if it’s bc i’m ALWAYS questioning and analyzing in my head that I don’t notice things as intrusive thoughts? But there’s too much proof I feel like this is just me coming to a realization, i’m in denial, and it HAS to be true which makes me want to puke. I literally forgot all ab that stuff but my brain has brought it all back 😭. This flare up started because of a couple thoughts ab my relationship that made me anxious and triggered the rumination and it went back into an SOOCD spiral. My therapist told me she definitely thinks it’s OCD but at this point I don’t feel like it is.