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Idk why but while I was doing erp my brain told me to look at her chest and I tried covering that part but I still looked… why did I do that? Anyone else have this happen? This has happened multiple times… (edited)

If ur here just to give some encouragement dw ab reading this Im just venting 😭. If you read my billions of posts you can see I’m having a really hard time. I’m analyzing memories, possible false memories, weird childhood exploration, uncomfortable thing that happened in 7th grade that feels like undeniable proof, the beginning stages of SOOCD, my crushes in the past to see if they were real or if I liked them enough, false attractions (which are constant now), I’m triggered by everything, I’m checking for attraction, I’m just miserable. I cant even enjoy old movies or cartoons that used to bring me comfort because I have thoughts like “Did I find this character attractive? I probably didn’t if I can’t remember. I used to always want the boy and girl to be together, but I cant remember if I liked the boy, It must be denial. I probably liked the girl.” I can’t remember shit and my brain keeps filling in the blanks but idk if it’s real. Im worried that this isn’t even OCD because the thoughts aren’t consuming me it’s just pure rumination and other compulsions. Is that still OCD? I still get random thoughts like when I’m watching something random on social media. I could be calm, not triggered by anything, and get a thought like “If she was naked you’d be aroused, rmbr that childhood exploration, you’ve been aroused to XYZ so you probably would be right now” and then I start to ruminate. Idk if that’s rumination or intrusive thoughts. But I usually just ruminate all the time 🧍‍♀️as soon as I wake up and when I go to bed. I get like images and flash backs of the “proof” idk if that counts as intrusive thoughts. I feel so terrible and completely numb to everything. What’s eating me alive right now is my years of numbness. Was that OCD, depression, or me just being in denial? I feel like there’s too much proof at this point. I really have suffered a lot with my mental health over the years so it could possibly just be that my brain is just in shock mode but I don’t know why it’s been so long. I haven’t seen anyone on this app say all their libido and attraction went away for YEARS. But then again I was not diagnosed for 5 years and just completely shut down. I was still numb when I started dating my boyfriend and I was so afraid that it would ruin the genuine feelings and attraction I started having for him before we started dating. I was feeling happier so maybe that’s why I started to feel those good feelings and emotions again. I swear to whoever reads this I DID feel attraction, excitement, all the things for him 😭. Him confessing to me made me anxious and scared bc my numbness makes me feel like a rock and I wasn’t sure I wanted to peruse a relationship. But I was like no, I felt those feelings after YEARS, he makes me feel happy and I have a crush, I won’t let fear take this away from me. I was doing good, my checking compulsions were annoying, but I was doing pretty good. The fear was going away, I was checking less and started feeling the full attraction again, I was in the moment when we hung out, dates were amazing, but then the thoughts and ruminating literally fucked it all up. When I was laying down in bed one night I thought “What if my numbness makes me stop liking him.” It automatically made me anxious and I was stuck ruminating about it all day. Then it just progressively got worse and now I’m stuck dealing w full on SOOCD again 😭. I feel like a rock towards my man now. He sent me a picture and I felt nothing. But then I think “you were numb anyways you probably never liked him.” I don’t even know if my feelings for him a couple months ago were even real bc of how much I ruminate. I was so sure of myself a couple months ago but not anymore. How do I go from “Omg his smile is so nice, I want him to kiss me so bad, his laugh is so cute, he looks so good.” to NOTHINGGGGGG. Prior to the big flare up I rmbr going to a festival with my sister and thinking another guy was cute bc he looked like my man (I swear he was waking up my emotions again) and I started to worry and freak out ab finding another man attractive. Why is my brain so confusing 😭? I want to hangout with him but I’m also scared to at the same time bc I’m afraid of feeling nothing and being triggered by it and ruminating, checking, analyzing. I feel like i’m shutting down again. That’s what’s been happening since high school. If my mental health and OCD make me feel like shit, my brain shuts everything down, and I do nothing. I want to do nothing and isolate because it’s safe, it’s not triggering, and it doesn’t leave me exhausted. Ever since I graduated high school I have been a rock. I have no goals, wants, motivation, NOTHING. I had to drop out for a bit bc when the lcd calmed down a bit, the depression just TOOK OVER. I feel like there’s never going to be an end to this. If this isn’t OCD then idk what to do.

i feel bad because i used to watch these people on pornhub who made videos that appeal to people with teen fetishized things and stuff like that. but i wouldn’t watch that role play stuff or any of that, like certain videos i would avoid because of that. but i liked the videos in general, i just didn’t watch any of that stuff or i would ignore it until it got something i did like. but i stopped watching them all together because it got too weird and i realized that i shouldn’t support them at all, even if i wasn’t watching that stuff. but now i feel bad for watching around that stuff, i liked the videos it was basic porn past that stuff and that’s what i would watch.

I desperately need some advice or tips. Now that I’m having a horrible flare up that feels sooooo real it’s hard for me to feel good around my man anymore. The feelings and attraction I felt for him turned into numbness and OCD constantly makes me feel like a liar and question everything. I’m trying to stop checking and ruminating whenever I’m with him but it’s so hard especially when I feel like a full on rock again. I have no libido (haven’t in years actually), barely any attraction to men anymore (been happening ever since this theme started which was a long time ago but I think it’s from the years of feeding the OCD cycle,depression, and anxiety), and I’m feeling emotionally numb again. I don’t know if this is asking for reassurance but I really just want to know how to continue my relationship that I was so excited for. I was so happy to feel genuine attraction and to have a crush again after years of numbness 😭 I was so excited for this new chapter. All these missing emotions were waking up again, and I was starting to feel happier and normal. But ofc OCD had to make an appearance again. Any tips will be greatly appreciated!! (how this flare up has me feeling)

are not random burdens; they are mirrors reflecting the meaning you attach to your thoughts. You suffer because the meanings you create are rigid and absolute, dividing your inner world into light and shadow, saint and sinner, worthy and unworthy. This split produces a double-mindedness, a divided psyche struggling to reconcile its opposites. Imagine your thoughts as figures that rise from the depths of the unconscious, much like waves emerging from the sea. They are not moral or immoral in themselves; they simply are. Yet when they reach the shore of consciousness, you label them good, evil, holy, or profane, and in that act of naming, you give them life. The moment you judge the thought, it gains substance, and what was once a passing wave becomes a tidal force crashing upon your inner shore. Consider the person with OCD who calls themselves a bad person for an intrusive thought. That judgment, born of fear and moral expectation, gives the thought weight and reality. It becomes a living symbol of guilt. But pause for a moment and ask yourself, can anyone prove their goodness? Who among us stands pure when the full contents of the unconscious are brought to light? If all humanity examined itself as the scrupulous mind does, we would all drown in despair. For the obsessive, this process happens instinctively. The psyche, in its fear of chaos, clings to moral order, even if that order imprisons it. Each thought is measured against an inner ideal that can never be met. The more one tries to be pure, the more the shadow resists, demanding recognition. This is why the thought feels so real: you have projected meaning onto it, fusing it with the moral energy of your inner archetypes. To free oneself, one must begin to deconstruct the foundation upon which such meanings rest. Morality, viewed psychologically, is not an eternal law written outside of man but a tapestry woven by the collective psyche, shaped by religion, culture, and fear of the unknown. It is a structure born of humanity’s longing for order amid chaos. To see morality as a human formation does not abolish right and wrong; it allows you to see that the moral code itself is symbolic, a language through which the soul seeks wholeness. When you loosen the grip of the meanings you assign to thoughts, you begin to see through the illusion of time and identity. The past becomes a myth retold by memory, and the future a projection of hope or fear. What remains real is the living moment and the conscious act of choice. Peace does not come by silencing the thoughts or purifying the mind, but by integrating what has been split apart, by seeing both light and shadow as belonging to one and the same Self.

(Sorry this isn’t ocd related)Does anyone else hate public speaking? It’s like one of my biggest fears. I’m like an 18-year-old with a fear of public speaking. I just get so much anxiety about it. I have the toughest time speaking in front of a big crowd. I have a major that kind of requires me to have a good speaking skills at some point cause I have to put myself out there and also market myself, but it’s so hard for me to the point where like I actually hate it. This week I have this project for my identity and it’s so hard for me to stop overthinking about it, I’m just so nervous to go up in front of 20 people and talk about what I think contributes to my identity. I just don’t know how to have a more positive outlook on it. I get told that I think very negatively about it. I just don’t know what how to think about it any other way, especially since it’s something that I really dislike doing. If you have any tips feel free to reply

i feel like im dissociating, when i am with my boyfriend and i look at him i am hollow , when i think about him and being with him forever, and tbinking about the 2 year and a half together its like i cant rember how it was to feel in love pr to love him i feel like… i have no feelings and i dont know what i feel and nothing makes me feel better … i tried not posting here but i just want someone to help me. i dont know what i feel i feel disconnected from myslelf , from him… like i dont love him and im just existing with him (we dont live together, he stays at my place at weekends and we dont sleep together at night my partents still dont allow it even if im 18) , i dont know what i feel my chest is so tight… i look at him and feel so hollow… i even have many many moments when he annoys me, or i get the ick, or think he is stupid making me think its the end and the thoughts i once feared became true and i dont have rocd… maybe all this time… all these 2 years of me gaving thoughts was just me not accepting the truth… i cant remeber how it is to love… im not feeling anything… seeing people in love witj their partner and being happy makes me so sad… bc im not happy, even though he loves me.. im horible… am i trully like this? why? it feels so real. why. im tired… i cant acces therapy or meds, i have to heal alone, the problem is that i cant even stand talking to him vc hearing his voice, seeing him, talking to him, imagining a life with him makes me want to cry and be alone bc my mind tells me i dont live him that i cant stand him anymore and i have changed, that my feelings are gone and that is why i cant see a life with him, i dont understand why i have so many negative emotions towords him when he loves me so much, im thinking this isnt ocd and in just forcing myslef to love him and to stay bc i have this expectation i put on us from the start that he is the one. i keep thinking i want to break up but i dont have a solid reason, just how bad i feel , i havesi much anxiety and i fee si stressed its making me go crazy. Some people told me on nocd once that maybe i just matured and my feelings and preception changed. I feel like i lost myslf i used to be so loving and carring and daydream even though i had thoughts about me not living him but it just got worser and worser and went to a psychologist a while ago, hoping I’d get some clarity about what I was going through, especially with my constant relationship doubts and emotional numbness. But instead of feeling heard or understood, I was told things like “maybe you never really loved him” or “maybe you’re just not being honest with yourself.” That experience didn’t help me — it made my thoughts worse. It planted seeds of even more doubt, and I left that session feeling more broken, more confused, and even more alone. Now, I can’t go back to therapy because my parents don’t believe I need it. They won’t support me emotionally or financially with it, and that makes everything feel even heavier. I’m stuck with these thoughts, with no professional support, and I’m trying to hold on I’ve been like this for almost 2 years and it only got worse. I feel hollow and numb, like I lost myself. When I look at old pictures or read old messages it feels like a completely different person wrote them — not me. I can’t remember how it felt to love him, I can’t imagine a future with him, and even when I’m next to him or kissing him I feel fake, uncomfortable and anxious inside. My mom told me things like “maybe you only put it in your head that you have to be with him” and her words are stuck in my head, making everything feel even more real, like it’s the truth. My chest feels so tight all the time, and I’m scared that there’s nothing to heal because this isn’t OCD but just me realizing I don’t love him. I want to heal, but I feel like I don’t have the strength to do it alone and I can’t access therapy. I feel trapped inside my own mind and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like my fear became reality.

I have been blocked by so many people on here, I am struggling with POCD and real events OCD because of the stupid positions I put myself in, and it feels like my worst pocd fears are coming true one by one... But since I put myself in these situations, I deserve this right? I deserve this pain and hell I created for myself right?? This is absolutely what I deserve right...? I dont pity myself because why would I pity something I despise...? I dont even see myself as a human anymore... i see myself as an "it". UPDATE: Oh dear god... I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it...

Hey so i've been mia for a while but school started and i just had a bunch of stuff going on. I'm back on my meds because the last few months were rough, however i've been through this before and i know myself and i can tell i'm getting better again, thankfully. Now there is something stressing me out and intrusive thoughts are taking over. I'm going to finish my major this year, and to do so i need to do an internship at a lab. We get to choose the lab, and so far so good. I have always loved Forensic Sciencies and Criminal Investigation, and for a while now i have been pursuing them academically, not directly but through a major and internships that will let me work in that field. So when i got to pick the lab i chose a forensics laboratory that deals with everything from forensic pathology to autopsies to toxicology, etc. I have been exchanching emails with the lab and everything seems to be on a good track for me to go there. However, I now start wondering if this is really for me, what if i get there and im too squeamish, feel nauseous, or just straight up have a panic attack?! What if i see things i never wanted to and they haunt me? What if seeing a dead person is too much for me? Or the smell or even the samples? Im genuinely scared of getting something engraved in my mind my ocd and anxiety can feed off- and i know that can happen because that has happened before in a very different situation and i worked through my ptsd episode with my therapist, but while also being haunted by it for months. The thing is, if this isnt right for me, i don't know what is, because i've been after it for so long and while i do believe i'll love it and feel gratified, i'm also so so so scared. Should i do anything to prepare myself? Should i be scared? What do i do? Anything would help rn guys.

So when checking the pdf of the ICD 11 and DSM 5 TR, I noticed that obsessions are described as ‘persistent’ and ‘repetitive’ or ‘recurrent’ and I think I’m a little confused about that. By repetitive/recurrent does it mean that an obsession (a specific obsession) has to come again and again to count as an obsession? Or do they mean that obsessions in general, whatever the content of the thought, seem to be come up again and again? Another thing is I saw a picture in one nocd article ? of the ocd cycle and for the obsession part there was ‘repetitive’ under it, does this indicate that one intrusive thought ( for example a SPECIFIC what if) has to come more than once to count as an obsession? Please help

It feels like I don’t who I am anymore. It feels like the heterosexual label just doesn’t fit me anymore. It feels like I am genuinely attracted to women. It feels like I don’t want to be straight anymore. I read about a girl who struggled with SO-OCD until she found out she was actually bisexual, the sexuality she was afraid of her being. There are so many signs pointing out that I’m actually bisexual. I feel like I actually am bisexual I just can’t accept it. I feel like I actually want to be bisexual. All my attraction towards boys feel like a lie now. But that doesn’t make sense because if I was bisexual I WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO MEN TOO. OMG DOES THIS MEAN I’M A LESBIAN WHO WAS AFRAID OF BEING BISEXUAL AND ALL ALONG I WAS AFRAID OF BEING WITH MEN?? PLS SOMEONE HELP ME I GENUINELY DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE

UPDATE: Oh dear god... I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... (edited) (edited) (edited)

UPDATE: Oh dear god... I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... (edited) (edited)

UPDATE: Oh dear god... I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... She has a cartoon as her profile picture and a star wars decoration border on her discord so I think she was a minor who entered an 18+ space... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... fuck... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it...

I am just starting therapy (ERP soon) for my OCD. I keep learning new things about OCD and how it can present. I was diagnosed off-hand a long time ago but never believed in the diagnosis. I got a formal diagnosis through NOCD, and I’m choosing to jump in head first. However, I’m convinced my whole life is a lie. All of these thoughts and actions I thought were just part of who I am, are a lie. I don’t think I’ve ever known true freedom now. So much of my life has been doing things because I HAVE to. If I didn’t, I would be in distress or my life would fall apart. I’m trying to learn about OCD, but I can’t stop crying when I read a new article or watch a new video. I know it isn’t my fault. I had some health problems that literally required finding triggers and doing certain rituals so I could literally breathe. But it was so much more then and it is still so much more now. I’m super scared honestly. I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it, but I know it is just that doubtful voice trying to keep me comfortable.

tw just in case. don’t know what to put but just proceed with caution. I’ve been obsessed with brands/companies to boycott for palestine and have been using two sources for when I shop. I am in the BDS subreddit and every time there’s a new thing and it just limits what I can buy. I’ve successfully avoided products/restaurants but I have so many questions. for example, I know coca cola is being boycotted. I have this question: what if local restaurants (which is encouraged over big names) offer coke products? do u boycott the entire restaurant, especially when they say they proudly serve it? or when u want a drink with ur combo and anything except water has a product that’s being boycotted or is from a company that’s boycotted. do u just drink water all the time? maybe these are stupid questions but I wonder all the time. I feel like it can get hard especially living in the US with many products having to be boycotted. anyway, I read posts on the BDS subreddit and I have wondered about snacks and a lot of the snacks come from boycotted companies that are all over the stores. sometimes I just want a snack especially after a long day & mental exhaustion. but then 90% of the products in store are not safe to buy. I saw comments on these types of posts of companies/snacks to avoid and people usually go “who figured giving up z!0n!$t products would make me healthier/lose weight” or “the products aren’t healthy to consume anyway. you’re better off without those products in your diet” and while they’re right, wouldn’t the same be said for safe snack products? they’re not healthy either. but yeah, finding snacks can be a hassle sometimes. and then worrying which grocery store to boycott because it’s on the list. I have donated to victims in gaza and have been trying to boycott what I can. I don’t know why but I feel bad for feeling frustrated when I find out a restaurant/company/product is on the boycott list. it’s a constant thing. now I wonder about people who buy these products? should I assume anyone who buys from these companies to be evil? for example, the company I work for has had a history of controversies with the lgbtq+ community. we get a bunch of customers everyday and I wonder if these people know? do they even care? won’t be surprised since the company is christian owned. I feel like a fraud for having spent money buying stuff at my job. all of the times were because I was just hungry. while the company stopped making donations that harmed lgbtq+, I then found out that the owner donated to something that harms the community that made me feel disgusted. ever since then, I haven’t spent a penny at work. I have been budgeting my meal allowance and that is all. I’m just so preoccupied with the what ifs and everything I buy. I’m overwhelmed and I feel like by saying this, people will say something like “u feel like this is a chore? well imagine the many kids and innocent people dying from choices like yours. you aren’t dying for boycotting this product/company.” I feel overstimulated from this. it just feels a lot with other things I have on my mind. dealing with undiagnosed mental illness and fatigue while trying my best to make ethical choices is exhausting. I don’t know if this is a case of “you need to get off the internet” or just take a break. I’m always worried about being a bad person nowadays. I feel like I over fixate on actions I feel like should’ve been avoided. ughhhhh my brain is overloaded.

UPDATE: with my harm ocd hitting full swing... i find myself triggered by my pocd again... and i feel like a horrible person... i tried not to post... i tried to do what people told me... but right now i feel absolutely horrible... I genuinely feel so guilty and wanna exile myself from society... Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p3dophilic activity and inappropriately messaging women and minors and abusing others and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... (the 18+ HOCD situations were about 18+ s*xual HOCD situations that triggered me immensely...) When I was 19, in an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... The 14-15 year old said she was uncomfortable the first time and i tried to stop venting to her... after she said i was a bad person for supporting trump, i vented to her again because her saying i was a bad person triggered me... she said she was uncomfortable for the second time and then i blocked her... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way...

Super triggering set of events that’s been unfolding for some months now. I’m going to try and not seek reassurance but grounded advice or support is appreciated. A couple months ago, I had a close friendship with a female friend who was also new to town and we had a nice friend group. I developed feelings for her, articulated that to her, and she kind of breadcrumbed me until there wasn’t much of a friendship left unfortunately. I had a conversation with her about the impact that the situation had on me and the toll it took on my mental health. I was calm but assertive and was proud that I stood up for myself. This was sad but hey that happens sometimes as you’re growing and making new friends/trying to find your people. I took space this summer from that group and it was awesome. I felt so much better, my ocd symptoms decreased, I met a bunch of new people, things were good. I am now trying to jump back into my grad school community of students and I had felt a weird tension between me and some subsets of people. Yesterday I was told that the people she is friends with say that I am “unsafe to be around” and that I “blew up at her.” This hurts for a number of reasons. All I did was say that she hurt me by not communicating. I was vulnerable and I feel like I’m getting ostracized and dismissed as a nut case. I never ever spoke ill of her to this community. I kept my opinions to myself and tried to move on. Add on the harm ocd/real events ocd/ relationship ocd and I truly feel at my lowest. There’s certainly times where I have let my emotions and ocd dictate my reactions to situations like this in the past, but from the beginning of this one I made it a point to notice what was coming up and calmly respond with action based in my values. I am super proud of how I handled it and stood up for myself. Idk I’m human and I understand that everyone is entitled to their thoughts and feeling but this just feels messed up and disrespectful. Trying to get this out here because it’s hard to talk about rn

I had a best friend middle school. We were friends for a long time and I can guarantee with 100% certainty that not once did I ever have any crush or romantic feelings for her. No matter how much I analyze it, I can’t find any trace of romantic feelings. However what is eating me alive right now, is a time where she was showing me a martial arts move and I was VERY uncomfortable. I’m not really a touchy person even with friends I’ve never been comfortable with hugging or anything like that. Even if i’m very comfortable with that friend I just don’t like to be touchy feely. But when she was showing me her martial arts moves I immediately got very uncomfortable and stiff especially because to my brain it was like a sexual position and I didn’t like it. So as I sat there full of discomfort she was sitting on my groin and my focus went to my groin and I felt a tingle. I immediately got up and just felt disgusted and again, UNCOMFORTABLE. Yk that uncomfortable distressing feeling you get with a groinal response? that’s how it felt. I don’t remember what happened after but it never changed my sexuality or how I viewed her. I completely forgot about it and we remained friends for a little while in high school but nothing ever changed. Now that my OCD has latched onto my childhood exploration/reaction to sexual content/porn use/ false memories/this particular memory/ and me mistaking a cartoon character and masc lesbian as men, I have been going actually insane. Before my spiral i completely forgot ab all of this. It didn’t mean anything to me and changed nothing. The logical side of my brain tells me I’m obsessing over nothing, my real genuine feelings i’ve had for men all my life and the ones I felt for my boyfriend after years of numbness, are the real me. But my OCD is telling me it HAS to mean something that i know nothing about myself. But what tf does ocd know if even when I had no attraction and had absolutely 0 libido(still happening but worse now) I was in my mans car 2 months ago literally wanting him to kiss me, feeling a thick layer of attraction for him, admiring his smile and his eyes, and this was when my mind was clear and ocd let wasn’t fully running my life. I feel my mind and body shutting down again. I’m going back to that fully numb place again. It’s crazy because I felt like I was slowly defeating OCD a couple months ago. The feelings I felt for my (now) boyfriend after years of feeling nothing were coming back and made me feel like I could fight this. Now I feel like everything is ruined again. I miss how I used to feel about my man. I’m going crazy again I FUCKING HATE THIS. I used to be able to tune this out and enjoy my time with him but not anymore. This is consuming me again. The checking, rumination, mental reviewing, analyzing, reassurance, hyper awareness, the numbness, loss of attraction, the fucking debilitating anxiety IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I’m questioning everything I do and feel, even the good feelings I have with my boyfriend. I miss who i was 2 months ago even if it was still slightly controlled by ocd, I had hope. My posts when the spiral was barely started showed how much hope I had. Now i have lost it. I feel anxious and like a liar when I call, text, or am round him when it used to give me peace. I just reminisce thinking about our early dates and I feel like those feelings are fully lost. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone.

Currently worrying about how prior to OCD, I once thought a masculine cartoon character (that was really a woman) was attractive when I first saw them pop up in the cartoon. It was when I was in middle school i think. The cartoon character was Kuvira and I spent the last 2 hours googling and spiraling and getting reassurance. I remember being uncomfortable when I heard the voice actor speak and got a wave of anxiety but afterwards I never thought anything of it. Especially because people online said they thought she looked like a man or was a man at first. I was still an extremely boy crazy young girl. After that I never really thought about it ever again until this morning when I was ruminating. It’s funny because when I wasn’t spiraling, in a better place, just numb and had loss of attraction, my mind and body fell for my boyfriend. I can just remember the tension between me and him in the car and how I just wanted him to kiss me so bad. I wanted to touch his hair, look at his smile, hug him, hold his hand, you get the gist. I rmbr looking at him and thinking he was so fine and my ocd popped up again n i thought “but your numb….do you actually think that check again.” I’m tired of this. One minute I feel better and ready to take on OCD and enjoy my relationship and the next I feel like I don’t know myself at all, like a liar, a fraud, and like i’ll never be happy again. Prior to the spiral i forgot all about the “evidence” (childhood exploration (being aroused to sexual things)/mistaking that one cartoon character or masc lesbian as men/that one uncomfortable memory/ porn/ i was exposed to sexual content early sadly). It felt irrelevant to me bc once I stopped obsessing about it, nothing changed, I didn’t change, my wants didn’t change, my desires didn’t change, I didn’t end up falling for a woman like my ocd said i would. I literally mourned bc I thought that my numbness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I cried watching couple videos because I thought i’ll never be able experience it. Only thing that worried me before/in the beginning of my spiral was the groinal response at times, and mostly the non existent libido/attraction/emotional/mental numbness spell for years bc of severe ocd, depression, and anxiety. I literally felt/feel like a rock or a leaf on the ground. But even when I was just dealing with the numbness I FELL FOR MY MAN. No thoughts, no checking, no hyper awareness, just me and him in the moment and those feelings, attraction, and emotions came to me. The day i realized I had a crush on him I felt normal again 😭. It felt normal and real and I loved it. I was so excited I had so many big wins and yesterday (bc i’m spiraling) I had small ones here and there BUT I WANT TO BE FREE FROM THIS. I had moments where he kissed me and it felt so nice bc i wasn’t checking, ruminating, hyper aware, i was in the moment with my man. He hugged me and the anxiety fell off my shoulders, i felt safe, i felt love, I felt the mushy feelings i felt for him prior to the spiral. But ofc i end up questioning EVERYTHING i feel. I felt a sliver of freedom from this fucking disorder and as soon as I’m happier it comes back. OCD makes me think that those things (childhood exploration and the rest^) is the only thing that ever happened in my life but it literally wasn’t 😭 I was THEE most boy crazy girl. I wanted to experience love and all the other things (ykwim) with a man. I used to daydream and dream about it. OCD makes me feel like i’ll never have any of that. I literally told my therapist if all the past stuff meant something ab me or that im bi ok cool bc that means i don’t HAVE to be with women and I can still be with a man. I was so excited to be with my man and now it gives me anxiety im scared to even text him now. I’m feeling exhausted and numb again FUCK ocd.