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Please help me… i get the most horrible sad feelings around my little girl… and my suicidal ocd goes crazy when im alone with her… I can’t do this… i can’t keep having horrible thoughts/feelings/urges especially suicidal ocd around my little girl!

Hello i was a porn addict for 16 years. Iam 25 abused alkohol and was sex addicted to girls never could have enough. Few months ago i was heavily drunk and without knowing ended up sleeping with a trans which i regret heavily I developed HOCD heavily which confused me and brought me to suicidal thoughts i was so confused that i actually believed that iam gonna turn trans without me wanting it then it developed to be scared that i could kill myself without wanting it. I want to just turn normal as i was can anyone help me ?

This is the worst my OCD has gotten! I’ve freaked out many times about harming my children, touching them inappropriately, etc. the other night I got blackout drunk and woke up and had thoughts of something specifically that I did to my 5 year old. It’s horrendous. Do you think it’s possible to become our worst fear when drunk? Do you think my son would wake up if I did something? This is awful! And I’ve been very suicidal since. I’m not sure how I can accept the uncertainty of this and move on. Yes, I’m in therapy.

Just wanted to let you guys know . I hop in from time to time to read and check in and wanted to let you guys know that I’ve dealt with a lot of the things mentioned here if not all . I am not a trained therapist. I’m just telling my own testimony in hopes to help others. 1. It’s not the thoughts that are the problem …. It’s the relationship we have with the thoughts. The more we realize that OCD thoughts have absolutely no meaning , the quicker you can move forward. The anxiety will lessen once your relationship changes and you’ll be able to overcome. 2. There’s not a different regime for each subtype . ERP is the best approach ..Don’t run from these thoughts …. Sit with them And retrain your brain to learn that they don’t mean a thing. If you’re having SOCD about a particular friend , have the courage to go out and hang with them. It’s tough but the more you expose yourself to the environment that you’re afraid of …. The more your brain realizes that these fears are irrational. If you’re having self harm OCD . Expose yourself to the things that you fear … At the root of OCD is fear and doubt….. it’s not the subtype itself …. Approach them all in the same manner. OCD hit me like a ton of bricks 4 years ago …..I struggled tremendously about 2 years before knowing how to handle it or even what it was. I lost my Job due to OCD and almost admitted myself in a hospital several times because I thought I was going crazy. It was almost two years of debilitating anxiety until I learned what I was dealing with was OCD. A few subtypes to name : health anxiety, sexual orientation ocd, self harm ocd, sleep anxiety , fear of being a pedophile. It’s like once I got over one ….the next would come until I realized they were all coming from the same thing ….that’s when my life started to change Fast forward, with the help of God, I learned to retrain my brain and not to worry about intrusive thoughts when they come in from time to time. actually learned to take them as the joke they are . The more I exposed myself … the more I trusted myself . Nobody else can reassure you … better yet you don’t need reassurance because it’s actually what keeps you in the cycle. Just Trust God Now I’m a Middle school teacher , in graduate school working towards my degree in counseling with a bright future ahead. I say this to say that, if I can do it , you can do it too …. I’m no different from any of you … I didn’t have a therapist at the time so take advantage if you do. Don’t view OCD as bad ….. it’s apart of you that you will learn to manage. I don’t regret OCD cause it has made me a less fearful person …. I’ve fixed fear and doubt that rooted from my childhood through the struggles of OCD . So it was a blessing in disguise. This is a temporary phase for all of you , trust me . And I know how hard it is to believe that when you’re in the middle of it . But remember. Once your relationship with the thoughts changes that’s when you Free yourself Love all 🙏🏾

I have the “i want to die thougt” everyday!!! Is this normal with suicidal ocd?? Anyone relate?

I cant take this anymore. My mind is flooded with memories where i felt some sort of panic or attraction when i saw a pretty woman. Yesterday i saw a video of someone saying the collab between shakira and rihanna was their gay awakening and i remember so vividly when i was young that i was obsessed with the video. I just dont wanna live a life where i’m attracted to women but i feel like i am. I just want everything to end

My ocd always makes me think the worst and tells me that the only explanation for things is that I did something horrible. I had an incident many years ago that has made my life miserable. I guess it’s a real event and possibly false memory as well. When my son was little he would crawl into bed with me alot. One morning I got up and he was still asleep. I put my daughter on the school bus and went back upstairs to my room and he was awake sitting up wrapped in the blanket. I said good morning and told him to come downstairs with me and get breakfast like I always did but when he got out of bed he didn’t have his underwear on. I yelled at him demanding to know why he took his underwear off. He was 2 or 3 and he pointed at me and yelled “You!”. My ocd immediately kicked in and made me think the worst that I must have done something horrible to him in my sleep. Why would he say that? 😪. At the time I didn’t think too much of it though because toddlers randomly do weird things and take their clothes off and they yell back or blame you because they don’t like getting in trouble or getting yelled at so I shrugged it off but out of nowhere all these years later my ocd brought this back up. Since it’s been so long my memory has faded so my ocd adds more “evidence” and tells me things like maybe I was drinking and did something to him and just don’t remember. I try to think of all the scenarios that could have happened as to why he took his underwear off but my ocd won’t let anything make sense except that I did something horrible and I can’t live with that uncertainty like other people can. It makes me not want to be alive anymore 😞

I’m looking for my harm/suicidal ocd people here to shed some light and hope. I’m not asking for reassurance (I know we can’t do that with OCD) but just people who can share their experiences and what has worked for them in dealing with and overcoming this awful theme. Thanks in advance.

My anxiety makes me feel so bad Anxiety is caused by my OCD or nothing at all I want help but can’t afford it People who have it understand People who don’t judge you It’s all in your head has been said to me It’s not just all in my head I am strong I am weak I am strong again I am scared I am strong I’m unsure I am me… Everyone of us had a story and a struggle but few can understand outside are community. I’ve really been struggling lately and just don’t know where to turn. I have a fucking terrible anxiety attack or panic attack still unsure off the difference but understand it’s one of those two. I feel like things have escalated in my life of distress and unpleasantness to where I am unsure! I want you all to know I love you all and am sorry for what you go through! I’m actually unsure if I’ll be here tomorrow or 100 years from now but wanna say people like us have endured so much and succeed! You are amazing! You are beautiful! You are a good person! You are not what your OCD, anxiety, and mental health makes you feel like. You are you and we are amazing! Please do not give up! ❤️

I'm curious if anyone else thought they had a different illness or has even been formally misdiagnosed. For me, OCD *always* came up in Google search results when I was looking up my symptoms. But I always dismissed it thinking "there's no way I have that!" because of my false preconception of OCD being purely about cleanliness and counting. My symptoms involving mood swings and my obsessions/insecurities with how other people perceive me made me believe I had BPD for several years. Even then, it didn't feel right. I felt sort of bad discussing the possibility with my friends because I still thought "but it doesn't feel as severe as they describe it..." It wasn't until my recent (and so far worst) flare up that I specifically searched for intrusive suicidal thoughts that I discovered suicide OCD is exactly everything I had been experiencing. I cried with relief, knowing I wasn't simply going crazy.

I always get images of things that I severely don’t want to have. It gets better as the day goes on but I feel that whenever I make mistakes or there’s an accident (for instance my fingers accidentally grazed a students “area” when I was trying to get my pen) make me feel insanely guilty and that I want to hurt myself to compensate. For that instance I told my boss right away and she didn’t make it a big deal because it was such a swift and accidental occurrence, but that moment kept/keeps replaying in my head and I feel like a monster. Also, when I let a student use my phone to look at a picture for reference (art project) there was a search I made about birth control and how to know when to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t think much of it because I have absolutely nothing bad in my phone, but now I feel like I might be some groomer or monster. I definitely should go back to therapy but I just want to see if anybody had similar experiences/fears.

Is this normal??? I can’t handle it… makes me so sad i want to cry.. and then i definetly feel my sucidal thoughts are true??

Guys im so embarassed. And OCD makes it so much worse because it's giving me chronic guilt. I was at work and I made a joke about unaliving myself with a friend like really loud and I feel really guilty because it just kinda came out. My friends were laughing but I realize by some ppls reactions that mightve not been appropriate. I wasn't serious but I do make those jokes often with friends (unfortunate habit I've picked up due to my own s*icidality). My guilt is killing me and I have a strong urge to apologize to my coworkers. Should I or is it a compulsion and I should just leave it alone??

Heyy guys, question out of the blue… is being scared of becoming depressed a thing? And therefor su*c*dal? Like I had su*c*dal ocd but it comes and goes but today I’m sick so I had to stay at home in bed and I just feel very tired ans my brain automatically linked that to depression… is preventing depression a thing? My OCD is manifesting in a lot of ways nowayds its sooo strange

I've been working hard on managing my thoughts all week. It feels like each day i got weaker and weaker. To the point where I had to do the obsession. This is a frustrating cycle. I'm having one of those days where I would rather die.

I’ve been suffering from non stop 24/7 dpdr for a year and a half now. I never really had OCD in a big way before I suffered some major panic attacks. Since then I’ve been a completely different person. I used to live a carefree life of traveling. Socializing. Experiencing life. After my panic attacks I became agoraphobic, couldn’t leave the house or work. My thoughts were like a washing machine over and over. I’ve done a lot of work to help overcome the fear of panic, but I’m still stuck in a 24/7 DPDR state- my thoughts never stop, I’m always searching for answers about my mental health, I have music stuck in my head from the time I wake up to the time I got to sleep, my mind is racing, attacking what I value, saying hopeless thoughts, anxiously worried about everything, I don’t do physical compulsions but I’m mentally checking myself all the time to see if I’m in DPDR still, or if things feel “weird” - I have a huge fear of going crazy and death. Although I’m not having panic attacks anymore, I’m still mentally anxious all the time. I feel like I cannot escape my thoughts, they torture me. I can’t feel any emotions, I’ve lost my sense of self, I can’t make new memories or be present - I’m constantly in my head. A lot of what kicked this off was years of trauma that was stored in my nervous system, once unleashed, I haven’t been able to recover. I want my life back. I’m tired of living in fear and exhaustion to the point where nothing brings me joy. Anxiety and ocd have taken my freedom from me, I feel like the thoughts rule every decision I make instead of being able to live freely, sometimes I don’t think it’s anxiety because I can’t feel anything physically, but these thoughts torture me- no one should have to live this way. What do I do? I’m taking medication but all it’s done is stop the physical symptoms, the thinking has not gotten better

I honestly can’t deal with this anymore. I have a 2 year old who needs me, a partner and family who love me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to leave my family behind. I just wish there was a magical fucking cure to heal me!! I can’t confess anymore because my partner put up his boundaries. And literally drowning in thoughts. I haven’t stopped obsessing about these things for days on end like the whole time I’m awake, till the moment I fall asleep. I never get a break. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m over living a life that doesn’t even feel like I’m living. I’ll probably just be stuck this way forever so what’s the point… I know that sounds selfish but I can’t help my feelings. I cry every day almost. Had a full on mental breakdown today. Feel so fucking bad. Feel so guilty for these thoughts. I literally have been in the backyard screaming like I’m dying over these thoughts for atleast an hour today. My daughter hears all of this from inside. I’m a terrible mum and a terrible partner and a terrible everything. Everyone would be better off without me.

I seem to ruminate so much with POCD and analyse everything about myself, my life and even everyone around me. I’m even afraid to open up to a therapist or even to see my family because I don’t want to talk about it. My ocd feels different to everyone else and that’s scares me. I don’t have sexual images I just have the negative thoughts and fears of becoming a P or the fear of liking children. This SUCKS!!!! I even get suicidal thoughts playing in the background aswell. Is it possible to have 2 subtypes at the same time?

i haven’t been diganosed yet with anxiety or OCD yet but i’ve been having anxiety started in december having chest pains and it made me think i was having a heart attack or heart issues but last week i was talking to my cousin how he went through depersonalization/derealzation i didn’t know what it was until he told me about it because i experienced it but ever since last week on tuesday i’ve been having overthinking issues about being scared of death and having intrusive thoughts of “what if i hurt myself” when i don’t wanna do it and it scares me because i don’t wanna go through it and i’ve been really tired and exhausted because i just feel like i’m trapped with my anxiety and i never had this feeling before (i’ve been through a lot so this is why it could be happening randomly now) but my things i struggle with is my thoughts and constantly look stuff up. my dad says “oh ur having anxiety while ur overthinking the anxiety” and i always think i’m going insane or if this is even real. i was suppose to go to the doctor today my mom emailed a therapist and told her that she has to pay at the desk and i was so upset because i wanna get better eventually and get a therapist but i have to wait until next week i think to see if i can go to the doctor and see what they say and see what else they diganose me with. it’s just been so tough rn and school has been stressing me out a long with it and i’m so tired i just feel like it’s an everyday thing now and i feel like i’m going insane when people say “oh ur okay and ur not insane” then why do i not feel okay??

Again i had a suicidal thought and why i feels so real is because it came with so strong emotions. I felt hopeless and panicking that i want a way out ans then i was hit by a huge shame and sadness cause i dont want to die... its so hard, what do i do with all those emotions... it feels like its true, expecially when im in a hard situation, like actually something bad happens. I dont see the difference between my thoughts and emotions and someone who is sttuggling with suicidal thoughts. I know personally someone who had self harm problems and wbat helped him was the "thoughs are not you", and we use the same thing, and whenever i think about that my mind says maybe it works cause i have the same thing as people with suicidal feelings and emotions. Its a lie that everyone wants to die cause i heard about people who doesnt like their suicidal rhoughts and feelings, they feel shame about it and are afraid of it... well its the same we go through... and the usual ocd method is to say "maybe maybe not" but it gives me feeling of shame, shame that maybe i was close to end my life. We dont know the answer but im tired that it comes back always with this strong feeling, like hopelessness, sadness, anger. I give an exenple lets say i lose someone, ans then i experience a thought that i have noone, i lost someone who is important to me, the world is unsafe, i want to get out of here, this comes with the feeling of despair, sadness, anger and hopelessnes cause i have a real problem, i lost someone so i can say i feel this becauee of that and even therapists would say im experiencing suicidal feelings. Yet some say its ocd. How? I just want to understand how its ocd when poeple with the same experience get diagnosed with suicidal thoughts and feelings?