Welcome to
the NOCD Community

My father just told me that I’m a bad daughter to him, and in our religion I didn’t get my parents validation, I will go to hell no matter what, so why bother live if I’m going to hell no matter what good I do?

I don’t even know how to explain. I don’t feel like myself anymore. So depressed. Everything seems hopeless. I can’t get out of this spiral. My brain feels weird. The thoughts are hard. I’m scared I’m going psycho. Can anyone say it will pass? 😩😩😩

TW SUICIDE i’m kinda just throwing this out in the void, i don’t really plan on taking myself off anon because of past experiences i know i’ve had ocd or at least intrusive thoughts for a while, at least 16/17 (i’m 21 now). i had people tell me that had them too that it didn’t mean i was a bad person, and that i didn’t want to act on them. i was doing ok with them for a while until i told the wrong people online essentially people tried to write callouts for me on social media/try to doxx me/send suicide baits. it got so bad that i did actually attempt, although it was pretty half assed (handful of pills washed down with vodka). i put myself into a php a few days later with the sole intention of working on my thoughts, only for them to immediately try to hospitalize me the second i said anything. obviously i shut down and didn’t work with them at all, i was in the troubled teen industry and quite literally got left inside of a psych ward alone locked into the day room for 40 minutes for about a year? maybe more people constantly tried to prove i was a pedophile. any “weird” interaction i had with anyone younger than me, having interest in fandom/shipping/sexual interest in minor characters (i was 17 so honestly a non issue regardless), even posting anime figures at one point people told me was “proof”. i would try to tell them i had this form of OCD, and that would make them tell me to kill myself even harder, like it was proof i jerked off to children or something. i constantly tried to remake my social media and people chased me everywhere i went, it took me deleting everything for a year and completely cutting off almost everyone i knew to get rid of it. it damaged me so much, i relapsed (self harm) multiple times because of it, and the other violent intrusive thoughts got worse during it. i believe people started to attempt to doxx me as well but weren’t very good at it thank god i don’t struggle with the POCD as much anymore, but my harm OCD is really bad. i also have dissociative identity disorder, and i have an alter who has latched on specifically to the POCD so badly i refuse to let him front because i’m terrified he’s going to hurt someone. he’s threatened to do it, and boasted about liking it/hurting me as “punishment” for existing i guess. constantly i get flashbacks that my brain tries to fix, and i get stuck in this loop of these flashbacks, violent thoughts, and trying to “fix” them. i’ve tried to accept them but then my alters just tell me i’m a horrible person and it reflects onto me, or the other alters consistently have to remind me it’s not my fault and i can’t control them/it’s just a disorder. i hate falling asleep because it’s all i ever think about then it feels like. cant really go on trains, i had therapists almost encouraging the behavior by telling me just not to go to doctors when i’d have rumination about not being listened to/blown off/medical malpractice for my disabilities. i’m at least a little better now with my health and sticking up for myself, but it feels like the violent thoughts are never gonna end and it’s just some kind of cruel joke for me existing wrong, like i have all this trauma, literally multiple disorders mental and physical because of it, and my brain will never let me be happy. it has to remind me of my suffering constantly and that 12-15 year old me somehow couldn’t prevent my medical/other traumas and it’s AlL mY fAuLt. not to mention the constant fear that if i talk about this i’ll be locked away forever, like i literally was as a child, and how it quite literally was validated the second i tried to at first. i want help, but help feels like risking my sanity, freedom, and identity as a human being and i fucking hate that. thanks for reading if you do, and i’m really interested to know if anyone else on here is a troubled teen / residential “survivor” i guess. this is only to corrupt, abusive facilities, not ones that actually help people as ik there are some good ones out there. i just didn’t get to go to those. 🫠🫠

I want to end It all, I feel so alone in my head, like no one understands at all.I just want to end it…

Ive been in treatment for OCD off and on for 2 or 3 years now. Ive been finding myself in a “flare up” after moving and changing jobs. My biggest thorn/theme has been harm, specifically suicide. Just from having gone through this before, I know the line between what’s ocd and what’s truly being suicidal can be blurry. I’ve had people tell me that the intrusive thoughts of death can be OCD or it can be depression. Forever I’ve operated with the belief it’s OCD with sprinkles of depression (who wouldn’t be dealing with this) I guess my worry is that if this is what being suicidal is, I need help, bad. I can tell myself it’s OCD all day, but being it’s the doubting disorder, I ask “what if I’m lying and want to die?” I want this certainty that I’m not truly suicidal and it’s just these unwanted thought. Is it even possible to have that certainty? How can do tell the difference between the two?

it’s been almost a month since i lost my best friend from passing i’ve been having ocd and anxiety since january tho.. it’s gotten worse since she passed but my ocd has flared up from sleeping issues because i’m on my period but i recently just met this guy last week and we kissed and cuddled he is rlly sweet and i think i like him but a new theme flared up because i’ve been heartbroken in the past and i’m trying to take it slow because i wanna see it if it works out eventually with each other but my thoughts are throwing me off “what if i don’t like him like that?” and our height difference kinda threw me off a bit and i told him i have ocd and anxiety but i haven’t been rlly diganosed with it i just know that’s what i have… but i told him how i feel and it’s just getting me anxious then my scide ocd thoughts are flaring up with it.. like “what if i hurt myself because i’m not gonna make it because everything is just going absolutely crazy rn and so fast rn” and i’m on vacation rn at the beach and i’m just very anxious.. but i have a therapist but she told me u have to have a psychiatrist to know if im diganosed with ocd but everything has been so anxious and yk it just happened meeting this guy he says that he is here for me it’s just idk what i want… but yesterday stuff happened with him and i said this on a group chat with him, his brother, and my friend who is also talking to his brother.. but this message i sent and it got out of hand because his brother and him were upset i’ve just been going through so much and i closed it off because i’m not ready for a relationship.. “ok i’m just gonna type this out ik u guys are busy which is completely understandable… i’m gonna start with this.. yk i’ve been going through a lot with anxiety and ocd and losing my best friend a few weeks ago… my thoughts and feelings have been absolutely confusing to where the point i don’t know what i want… i just felt like this went too fast and i do want to apologize about this.. i’ve been through heartbreak too… i have rlly bad commitment issues. i don’t want to be the reason that i’m hurting you bc i’m not that person AT ALL. i rlly care about u and i think ur an absolutely sweet it’s just everything went way too fast.. and it’s putting me through stress after stress.. i just don’t think i’m ready and just need to know u more as friends first. then see how it goes… it’s just everything is so overwhelming and i’m truly sorry i don’t want anyone to be upset with me. i still wanna hang out out and do fun stuff.. i just think it’s too early to be thinking in a relationship rn bc we just met and it’s confusing my feelings and stressing me out too.. and the other thing is ik ur here for me and i’m here for u.. it’s just im afraid that my issues will effect on u and i don’t want that to make anything worse and i’m not here to hurt anyone so i hope you guys understand and i rlly rlly want this to be fixed” he was upset and it’s been a week and i should’ve said something sooner but NOW we got it worked out just to be friends to see how it goes and it’s in gods hands yk? but now but i don’t think his brother likes me.. so the plan was gonna still for like me him his brother and my friend we were gonna hang out and she told him and he doesn’t think it’s a good idea so me and him are just gonna hang out so i don’t think his brother likes me bc he doesn’t want his brother hurt which i’m glad he is looking out for his brother but i feel like his brother thinks i’m gonna keep hurting him and i was like it’s in gods hands yk? i just don’t understand i feel like i’m always disappointing everyone and my scidal ocd thoughts are flaring up with what ifs and my head feels weird my eyes hurt and IM SO TIRED and i’m literally at the beach rn and i haven’t told my dad or my mom what’s going on yet.. i’m just trying to enjoy my vacation it’s just been hard from going through so much traumatic stuff… :( i just want to know my self worth first before i even think to get into a relationship and i just don’t think i’m ready and again ik i should’ve said something sooner i was just caught up in the moment thinking i could do this but i’m not :(

This is my first talking talking about my worst intrusive thoughts... •On 2018 I was on the beach having fun with my family so happy and then the worst intrusive thought," I like my sister" I cried after that,I feel so bad, the whole vacation I spent crying because of that thought, •On 2021 I was on the car on my way to Christmas Dinner, my sister was close to me and the worst intrusive thought was back " I like my sister" I almost cry in the car, but since that day the thought was on my mind I was so scared, that year was a nightmare, the whole time I was terrified of my brain •On 2022(worst year of my life) I had a crush on a girl,she invited me to her Anime Halloween party I was so happy buying my costume (Undertaker from black Butler) and I bought her mangas, I was about to tell her my feelings that night, but I drank a lot vodka, I was so drunk but that night was another familiar party so, when I was in the other party (a familiar party) I was telling my sister look this girl she's so pretty I like her, (I showed a photo of me and my crush) and I was talking about I want to kiss my crush, that moment I got the worst intrusive thought " I want to kiss my sister" I ran to the bathroom to cry and vomit, I was scared because drunk people said the true so was true? Ah I was so scared of myself crying, since that day I got two suicide episodes, depression anxiety, everything that reminds me that day is my torture, everything even the words, even I thought about if I like women or not, I'm traumatized,because reminds me that day, I can't even watch anything related to that day, I feel so disgusted, since that day in scared to drink alcohol, I'm scared of have something sexual because that that appears on my head I'm scared of that years and everything related, Please if someone can say something to me, because I feel so bad since that day thats my biggest fear I don't want this is a torture, I even take pills I feel like I'm the worst person

I have no one to help me anymore, I wish I were dead. I hate being alive.

I’ve only been in ERP therapy for a few weeks. Recently I feel frustrated like it’s not working. I know I probably need to give it more time and that it may take quite a while but I’m looking for advice here. My therapist is doing a good job but I feel like I need to be doing different exposures. Right now we’re working on things more specific for someone with triggers like putting a belt around my neck, holding my gun in my lap all while saying I’m going to kill myself or I’m going to shoot myself. I don’t have specific triggers though. Mine are more mental and I feel like I need exposures that are going to help me because I constantly say “I’m going to kill myself” or just “kill myself.” Does this make sense?

One of my most severe ocd subgroups is dea()h (I can’t type it). If an image of someone who is de()d comes to mind I have to do compulsions to get rid of it. This of course all stems from the fear of dy()ng and I have this irrational fear that if I do anything at all, including breathing, with those images in my mind or actual images in front of me (like a picture or on tv) it would lead me to possibly have a higher chance of d()ing or earlier. I was wondering if anyone struggles with a similar issue, and if there was something you tell or convince yourself to help alleviate it. I had a really bad episode tonight where it was just constant image after image and I’m exhausted. Thank you!

First I would like to say is that tw and I also can’t afford a therapist and please give me advice I have no peace in my mind I just want to be a normal person again. Since 2022 I have been getting filthy unwanted sexual thoughts towards children I feel awful about it because it goes against my morals and characters as a human being. I feel like a horrible person and I feel like I have no rest in my mind, everyday it’s the same thoughts that torment me and I happens all hours of the day there’s not an hour that goes by the day that I don’t get these ugly horrible thoughts. I recently started getting “feelings” down there and I hate it. These thoughts came back again stronger this February. I also believe in Christ so if you have advice of how I can pray against this because I don’t really know what’s the root of these thoughts. As long as I have these thoughts I can never be free these thoughts have put me back into a state of depression and well as suicidal thoughts I just feel like I’m living hell on earth I am also 17 years old female, so please someone help me. I have tried praying against these thoughts but nothing, I have tried deliverance prayers worship etc but nothing. — I also tagged Christian ocd for advice !!

Anyone willing to share how debilitating their OCD has been? 1. Able to work? 2. Consider yourself miserable? I haven’t been able to work three years and have been occasionally suicidal many many years

I have the worst intrusive thoughts about ending my life...I absolutely don't want to but my brain tells me I'm depressed and I actually hate my life and that just sends me I to a panic.. I can't be around people for long or else my thoughts say this is the last time I'm gonna see them. Then I feel like I'm in absolute torture and then my thoughts say the only way to get relief is death. I'm so scared.. I had such a good day yesterday and now this.. :(

| don't even know what to say plus i don't speak English very well. One week ago we were discussing about living together (we're long distance). Yesterday he told me he was looking for plane tickets for the next week. | got suspicious and asked why the hurry if something bad was going on He said babe stop thinking that, it's nothing bad, I'm not going to break with you 1 hour later Just 1 hour later he calls and tell me "Sorry. | have to break up with you. I'm getting you blocked on everything because i fell you will manipulate me to go back to you otherwise" and then he just ended the phone call. 20 seconds and i couldn't even say anything just stared at the screen like a dog who was being abandoned. | just don't understand. | talked to a friend of him they don't understand either How do ¡ stop thinking about this. I'm going insane. Totally insane. This was like one of my biggest fears. | don't get it my mind don't get it can't sleep can't breathe I'm taking anxiety pills talking to friends who doesn't understand either | just want things to be normal again this is a nightmare, all the time I think he is going to unblock me call me and say he's sorry he was overwhelmed or something | feel like dying alive

Constantly struggling with the thought of "Am I a pedophile?" I have never harmed a child but have had horrible thoughts. Where's the line? If I have to ask does that mean I am one? Feeling suicidal and in need of support.

Because of the thoughts or mentally exhaustion, and got over it?

Today I feel like I want to d!e and do something to myself for the WHOLE day. Yesterday I was ok. I made sure that my family is with me, even tho I’m not the person to do it, just to feel safer. I need some relief. Does anyone has a suggestion?

I would like to get an answer for this cause i want to know why this keeps happening. I compare myself with others cause i dont see others having the same problem. When they have a setback its usually because of a hard day or a big trigger, however for me its just forgetting what i have to do. A month ago i was really good, i dont say i didnt had setbacks but i saw that im going somewhere, you know the setbacks were weaker and weaker, and one day i just someone understood how emotions and thoughts works and i was able to enjoy my day while i had thoughts and emotions, but it didnt affected me. Then i was like this is so good, but im afraid i will just forget it like everytime and believe me or not, the moment i said it i felt that im slowly losing what i learned and after some time i didnt know what to do with the thoughts and emotions when before i realized it and i was living my life like that. And then i was unable to do the same thing, it was like my brain deleted it. It really feels like theres something wrong with my mind, how it foegets just like that what i did before? And now after 1 month im still struggling, the videos that used to help me and made me realize what i need to do doesnt help me, its like im watching nothing, my mind doesnt realizez this video made me understand what i need to do before, now it doesnt make me do anything. And im keep falling back to the point that my panic attacks are back, and it makes me feel so bad cause it means i did nothing, after all this work it got back and im still dont know how to deal with it. Im feeling like how i felt 2-3 years ago, like these years were nothing. Im really afraid that sometime i will get the night panic attacks again when i will be afraid that i will hurt myself or be afraid of i will unalive myself... It doesnt seems like im learning something. Look st my other posts, it seemd like im so close to recovery and im learning alot, but now if i read those i cant relate to those... its like a different person and it doesnt started slowly, like i engaged in unhealthy behaviours, it all started when i thought "i hope i wont forget this" and then i actually forgot what i learned... just like that... and now im again questioning acceptance, what to do with my emotions when i understood that and i was working on it. Im sitting in bed and i try to remember what i did when i get these bad emotions and all i can remember is when people say "you have to let yourself feel the feelings" and im letting myself but all i do is im drowning in them. After anxiety it comes anger then anxiety again and then im depressed and hopeless and then panic comes... i dont get why letting these to come helps me, it makes me drown and become depressed which will only send me to a therapist who will say accept it too... It doesnt make me learn anything it just drowns me, i dont get this acceptance and letting myself feel bad... Im just letting negative emotions take over me without trying to stop it cause now im accepting it...and it doesnt makes me realize anything.

Frist off, I am not asking for reassurance nor do I have concrete plans of suicide, so please don't flag. I am just asking because my therapist was asking if I had Suicidal OCD or actual suicidal ideation, but I am unsure how to exactly tell them apart. I mostly get thoughts of "I am worthless and don't deserve to live" and intrusive images of seeing myself commiting suicide, but they theme ego-dystonic. On the other hand sometimes there are feeling of actual worthlessness and being overwhelmed with life.

Today i feel like crying. I am so upset today. All my thoughts are negative and they just make me upset. I feel like i need a break from life. Everything is so hard. I just can't do it anymore. I was strong for so long but today i feel like giving up. I want to feel free atleast for a day. Everything seems so tough. I am not that strong enough. 😭😭😭