Welcome to
the NOCD Community

how do y’all handle having a crush when you have ocd and severe anxiety? idk i just feel just super anxious ab it. especially the uncertainty of like being in the “talking stage”

I’ve always been a huge feminist, anti-racist, anti-sexual assaulters, etc. Basically against everybody anti-human rights. But because my OCD has been trying to convince me that I’m a sexual assaulter, a pedophile, racist, etc. (basically everything that goes against my morals), it also tries to tell me that I should sympathize with people I used to be against. Sometimes I’ll read about, say, teens committing sexual assault, and in the past I would have firmly said “they need to be punished”, whereas now I think “well, what if they didn’t know better? I made a mistake when I was a teen; what if they thought it was okay?” I never say these out loud because I dont want to make real victims feel bad, obviously. And if I hear someone has been racist, I’ll think, “What if they’re like me?” I still believe we need to eradicate sexual assault, racism, homophobia, etc, but I can’t help but think I’m a part of the problem, so sometimes I find myself sympathizing with “bad people”. It’s really messing my mind up. I don’t know what to think. Does anyone feel the same way or have any tips?

So a over a month ago I had extremely bad health anxiety/OCD, I always was convinced I was dying but I never had a single doubt about my fiancée, I was scared of dying because I didn't want to lose our life together. I was then diagnosed with POTS, and the health anxieties dimished, but as soon as that did, something in my brain told me "you dont love him anymore" it startled me so much, I didn't understand what I was experiencing, it made me extremely nauseous and panicky, questioning my life. I so badly want to go back to the way it was before, I was so happy. Most of my intrusive thoughts feel like imagery, imagining my life without him, or a thought in my head that I dont recognize him, and "youre falling out of love". I am now super numb, can barely feel anything and its making me think all of this is true. Its like a lightswitch went off and my entire life got flipped upside down. I am also experiencing depersonalization/derealization. I know I love him, I know I do, but now I feel this overwhelming numbness. Its also affecting how I see things I enjoy, I love horror movies, but something in my brain says I don't all the sudden. I know I enjoy like creating art, or having a fascination with bears but my brain is saying " you dont like that anymore" Why is it so convincing. I just want to feel like me again. Has anyone had a similar experience? Love to all❤️

I just had a thought, OCD is like that person that you just can’t win an argument with. You can keep arguing trying to reason with them but they will always have an answer for everything and come back with something else. The type of person that has to have the last say and in the end you have to let them think they are in the right because they ‘have’ to win the argument. That’s why I think with OCD they tell you to say neutral things to yourself rather than fighting with the thoughts like ‘maybe, maybe not’ ‘perhaps’ like a stubborn person who won’t stop yapping on until you give in and say ‘yeah your right’ or pretend to agree with them even though you don’t just so they stop arguing, you almost have to agree with OCD’s nonsense so that it can stop ranting and raving or trying to convince you of something else …I find that really weird it’s almost like are brains are narcissistic 🤣 and maybe our hearts are timid and gentle so the core of our being is constantly being bullied by our brain’s excessive need to prove that it’s right and forcing it’s bizarre opinions on us. Who knows maybe it’s true 😂 which in that case rather we should approach this by thinking with our heart not our mind, the heart is where the truth lies since no matter what your brain is convincing you of and no matter how believable it is, it may be a faint feeling almost completely masked by these taunting feelings of doubt but there is always a faint feeling that in your heart of hearts, you know you’re not bad. So maybe think of your brain and heart as two different people, you’re brain is ‘bullying’ your heart with ‘intrusive thoughts,false ideas,false feelings and confusion and is very convincing and bullies your heart to believe it’ but your heart on the other hand is very pure, innocent and kind and can’t speak up for itself, so most times let’s itself get bullied by the thoughts. Your heart isn’t loud in expressing how good or pure of a person you are since you aren’t self absorbed and constantly thinking how great/perfect you are but your brain has narcissistic tendencies and is loud in telling you what it thinks, in this case how bad you are. So if this were a relationship what would you do? If your friend was in a relationship where your friend was the gentle one and kept getting bullied by their partner forcing their ideas and their thoughts onto them what would you tell them to do? …most likely to break up with them? So I guess we need to ‘break up with our brains’ because our own brain has betrayed us and is trying to drive the ship😂 no but think about this: our brain is trying to brain wash us …🤣 Trying to make us believe something that isn’t true and we are just blindly believing it? How is that any different to believing a cheating partner’s lies? We are letting ourselves be cheated. We need to break up with our brain and no longer be phased by it’s missed calls or unwanted messages of intrusive thoughts. Im sure we’ve all felt like before we wish we could just turn our thoughts off and not think about anything…isn’t that the same as wanting to block an annoying ex? Except we can’t block our brains annoying thoughts so we just have to follow our heart in knowing we are good. Seriously guys your brain thinks it has rights just because it’s a ‘part of you’ that’s why it thinks it can have a say in everything 😒😠 like no. It like the same way people have shares in a company and different rights over the company well let’s say your brain has rights since it has shares in your body ..😂 well news flash if this was a company your heart has more shares than your brain since your heart is running the whole company so follow your heart and stop listening to your brain 😁😁 I know I’ve probably written a bunch of nonsense but I had fun writing it 😂 Can’t believe our brain is trying to brain wash us though like who does he think he is 😒

I wonder if there is a pattern in the people that have ocd’s lives. For me since I was young I had an excessive fear of death. I remember being as young as 4/5 and being extremely depressed because I was worried about my parents dying, I remember not being able to swallow anything and my mum made me soup and cut up chicken and vegetables into micro pieces hoping I would eat it but I still couldn’t swallow it, I remember her taking me with her to shops and being like a zombie toddler who was really extremely down and zoned out. And then that eventually went and when i was around 11/12 I suddenly went into that phase again where I was ruminating and severely worried about dying for weeks it was like that. I would go through these phases of worrying about it a lot and would become so fixated and depressed about it. When I was younger my step dad would buy newspapers and I would sit there and read all the articles about death and I was traumatising myself without even realising, also my mum and step dad would watch crime stories and they would stick with me and scar me a lot. I remember the first time I had an intrusive thought I was around 12/13 and I had an intrusive thought about a fork going into my mums leg and I was shaken up by it l went to school and I was scared to tell anyone but I met this new girl that went to my school and I thought I would try telling her since she was new I told her ‘I have this friend who had a thought about ….’ (I didn’t tell her it was me) And told her the intrusive thought and I asked her does she think my friend is bad and she said ‘well I wouldn’t have a thought like that about my mum because I love my mum’ and then I was worrying about that answer but eventually I forgot all about it. The main intrusive thoughts I would have though were about someone killing me. I couldn’t sleep with the light off and I was worried about leaving plastic bags in my room or that thing long thing you tie your bath robe with because I was scared if someone broke in they would strangle/suffocate me with it. Or while brushing my teeth I would have a thought of someone stabbing me from behind, for years just scared of someone attacking me. But I did have the occasional harm ocd thought now and then but i didn’t obsess over it. So February of this year I decided it would be a bright idea to watch a crime documentary not one but three of them, thinking ‘I’m 19, I can handle it’ (after avoiding watching scary things my whole life because I know how much it affects me) once I was on Netflix I literally just saw a cover of a crime documentary with the evil persons face on it and for weeks and weeks her face was haunting me and when I would dance for exercise I would suddenly have an it riduce thought that she was in my room and I would have this horrible imagination her running up to me with a knife or following me around the thoughts were so vivid I would imagine her breathing on me as she ran up to me I would get so scared and then a thought would come, say if this evil person takes over your body? Or sometimes the evil persons name would pop into my head and I would think ‘what if by constantly thinking of there name it’s summoning them and there going to appear as a ghost’ idk I would just think weird things. Anyway so feb of this year I watched three crime documentary’s in one day I even remember when I started watching it I deliberately left my bedroom door open because I was scared and it was the last one i watched that caused all this turmoil in my life. It was about a man who was married and had kids and one day suffocated his kids and wife with a pillow. I was utterly mortified, my whole life I thought ‘evil people are just evil’ but this made me think ‘he was married and had kids and suddenly TURNED evil’ there was even vids of him playing with his kids on the beach and making cookies and things and tbh I’m not sure but I think I may have even incurred trauma from that documentary or that’s what people around me think. Basically after it announced ‘how’ he killed them (suffocating them with a pillow) I suddenly had a flash back and remembered an incident when I was younger where I was messing around and squeezed my cats neck for 1.5 seconds thinking ‘imagine I was evil’ but I quickly stopped because obviously I didn’t want to do that, I long forgot about that incident because I knew it didn’t mean anything but after watching that documentary and being shocked that someone seemingly ‘good’ turned bad, combined with the sudden flash back I got sent into the biggest shock of my life In that very moment my whole body started vibrating and I was shivering with the most fear I have ever felt in my life, from that day on I started thinking that I Vincent meant something and started having intrusive thoughts about strangling people and it was so bad I went to work everyday with my mum and followed her around everywhere, I remember sitting with her at work and shivering for days and days on end, my body was vibrating and shaking with fear my teeth were chattering, I’ve never experienced being so consumed with fear In my life. Constantly in fight or flight mode couldn’t look at peoples necks and terrified did being at home, my mum would drive up and down and go to shops and round my grandparents to avoid me being at home because I was so scared and we would go home at 10/11 at night just to sleep and in the morning we would leave the house straight away. Do you think I got trauma from that documentary? For days and days I couldn’t calm down and my body was constantly shaking in fear and crying. But from feb of last year till now everyday has been a battle. Constant rumination and intrusive thoughts 2022 was the worst year of my life, I’ve never been so frightened in my life, I so wish I hadn’t watched those documentaries. But now it feels like I’m having rumination more than intrusive thoughts because some how when it tested myself by imagining an intrusive thought of smothering someone with a pillow it felt like ‘I liked the feeling of doing that’ when I imagined the thought and I have been obsessing I’ve this for months because it feels so real that I know how it feels to do that and that I ‘liked the feeling of doing that’ it’s been horrible and scary but here we are still dealing and suffering. I wish I had been more grateful and enjoyed life more before having this problem, now I feel like my future is doomed and I’m worried that sooner or later the intrusive thought will become reality or I will give in and become evil. It’s been a terrible time I wouldn’t wish this in anyone. I’ve even worried about so many crazy things like ‘imagine in the future I’m evil but then I don’t even turn myself in and like it and do more evil things Covering them up’ and then I think to myself what the hell are you thinking?? You would never be evil why’s re you even thinking that, this problem goes you plays you and terrorises you with all kinds of frightening thoughts. I hope one day it will just be a distant memory and all these worries will go and I can live normally like before, happily. To everyone suffering with this, I am so sorry i wish we could all give each other the biggest hug, we are probably the most kind hearted people and don’t even know it because of this problem blinding us and trying to trick us into thinking we are bad. I’m so sorry. This is my story anyways, sorry it was so long feel like I could talk and talk about this forever.

So someone on here told me that a way to stop getting anxiety and know that you wouldn’t do those bad things is to sit with the thing that’s making you uncomfortable for me I have intrusive thoughts about smothering someone/my cat with a pillow so they said to try nudging your cat with a pillow or putting the pillow on the cat and being near etc.. so today the thoughts were bothering me a lot and making me feel like I was actually bad so I went and got the pillow and nudged my cat and then I put the pillow on my cats head/face while my hand was still on the pillow and then I had a thought ‘yeah I wouldn’t want to do that’ but then I started doubting again thinking if I tried to do that again it might be different and then I started crying and get anxious as soon as I held the pillow on my cat so the crying and anxiousness kind of gave me relief for a bit since I thought ‘okay I do hate it’ but later on in the day I started getting anxiety and feeling like I could have a break down because I suddenly thought ‘that’s technically the closest it’s been to the intrusive thought being reality since I held the pillow on my cat and then I started getting anxious and as soon as I walked into my house I saw my cat sleeping with a pillow behind him and I got instant anxiety and now I’m worrying ‘although I held the pillow to help myself cope and know I’m not bad, say now in the future when I doubt myself I will try to prove I’m not bad again by putting the pillow on my cat but I actually end up being evil?’ Now I’m worried that I will try to test myself physically it’s bad enough testing myself mentally by imagining things to see if I’m bad but I don’t want to ever do that pillow thing again, although it’s part of therapy I just hate it and don’t want to but now I’m worried that when you do something once it becomes easier or a habit to test yourself physically again. I kind of had it in my head that although it felt real as long as I stay away from pillows or haven’t actually put the pillow near my cat it’s fine but now I’m worried because I put the pillow on my cat, I don’t want any part of this please someone give me advice I have been having anxiety and feeling uneasy, even though nothing happened it feels like I’m a criminal and it feels like from the stress of worrying about the thoughts and constantly paying the thought out in my head and now having actually put the pillow near my cat it feels like something bad has happened even though it hasn’t and I feel uneasy. Also even when my mind gets reassurance it doesn’t register, like it wants more and more to doubly sure it’s not true like when I first engage in a mental rumination of imaging the thought to test myself sometimes I will instantly feel ‘yeah of course I wouldn’t want to do that’ but my brain isn’t satisfied and will sit there and reimagine until it feels like ‘maybe I would and I start doubting myself’ I don’t get it at all

I have ADHD + OCD and no post has ever given me more perspective, it’s amazing to have somebody write out what I have been feeling. Give it a chance, let me know how it makes you feel. I have taken this from u/evergreenjay on reddit. Find the original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCD/comments/uhjndw/a_masterpost_of_what_ive_learned_after_a_4_year/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf A masterpost of what I've learned after a 4 year long battle with OCD I've always thought about making a post like this since so many people come on here scared, newly diagnosed and just overall understandably confused. **I don't consider myself as fully recovered, I've had a lot of ups and downs and a relapse just recently. I just feel like I gathered a ton of information and tools during these years that maybe could be helpful to share.** **The basics of OCD** Learning about intrusive thoughts, the OCD cycle and compulsions is the first big step. To give you a brief rundown of these 3 key concepts: * **Intrusive thoughts.** They are thoughts (but they can also be images!) that pop up in a very unexpected way in your mind, they often cause anxiety and the content of these thoughts **scares** you or unsettles you. They are not wanted, and the content, especially with some subtypes, is egodystonic to the person that has the thought: that means that they probably think the opposite of that thought. The subject of our intrusive thoughts is something/someone we often value a lot, even if the intrusive thoughts make it seem like the opposite. There's a million example of intrusive thoughts, because we could have them about anything! They sometimes start as "what ifs", but they can also sound like commands, or start with "I wants". A few examples (big trigger warning for , well, everything) : "What if I hate my family and want to kill them?", "What if the door is unlocked and my daughter is going to get kidnapped", "What if I'm actually trans and have been lying to myself?", "Do I want to cheat on my girlfriend with a guy?", "I contracted AIDS but didn't realize it until now!", "There's definitely poison in this drink", "I want to break up with my boyfriend but don't have the guts to", "I'm a terrible person because I did X in the past, I'm disgusting", "What if I commited a crime that I don't remember?". As you see, the content of these thoughts is unsettling, very polarized and often aggressive towards yourself. * **Compulsions.** When we have these intrusive thoughts, we really feel a need to calm down because they hit you in an unexplainable, horrible way. The first automatic response is to **ruminate** as a way to make sure that the thought is wrong, and that's the main compulsion that we all. Let's take the first of the examples. You'd probably start thinking "What? NO! I love my family, I went on vacation with them a week ago, we had so much fun, they're the most important people in my life" and on and on. The problem is that by doing this you're actually feeding the OCD, that would probably respond to you with other intrusive thoughts, like "Well, you fight often with your mom. Who says you won't lose control one day and do it?". That is going to scare you even further and ruminate even further. Some people just ruminate as a compulsion, but many others have other compulsion that give you, for an extremely brief period of time, some relief from the anxiety. There are a million compulsions and they're often specific to the subtype : people with ROCD check their feelings with their SO or "test" their attraction, people with checking OCD go back and check the locks , people with contamination OCD wash their hands / bedding / furniture, people with false memory OCD check for evidence. There's also people who count, touch specific surfaces, pray, do a specific action with their body, say a specific things... there's a world of compulsions. As you can see, there are physical compulsions and "purely mental" compulsions. And even if you don't do any of these things, you still do the main compulsions that is common to all of us: rumination. What you need to know is that while compulsions make you feel okay for 5 minutes, you'll go back to feeling anxious again if not worse. The more you do those compulsions, the more you get stuck in the cycle and feel extremely scared if you don't do them. * **The OCD cycle.** You get the intrusive thought --> you feel scared /unsettled by it --> you feel like you need to ruminate or do any other compulsion to feel okay --> you give in to the compulsion --> brief relief --> you feel even more scared and unsettled. * **How do I get unstuck?** By refraining from doing any compulsion, by sitting with the anxiety of the thought but not do anything about it. Ride the wave of the anxiety and of the uncertainty. Respond with "I don't know, we'll see", "It could be, who knows", "Maybe!" and then don't ruminate any further. This is what you practice in ERP and CBT therapy. **The basics of starting recovery and what is helpful** * **CBT therapy and ERP**. When I started showing symptoms I was in talk therapy, and it made my OCD 10000 times worse. This therapist had almost no knowledge on what was effective for OCD and instead tried to connect everything to my past, which was useful in some way but didn't do anything to help me practically with compulsions, intrusive thoughts etc. If you have even the slightest doubt about having OCD or not, always see an OCD therapist or at least a CBT based one. * **Self administered ERP**. I had some moments in these years where I wasn't seeing a therapist for multiple reasons, so I relied on ERP by myself with the NOCD app and it really did help a lot. Of course, it's always going to be more effective with a therapist but it definitely helped keep me afloat. * **Keeping your health in check.** I think it's extremely important to realize what stressors in your life trigger an OCD episode the most. For example, I know that for a lot of people having their eating schedule messed up really triggers them. For me, it's sleep. If I sleep even an hour less than 8 hours I will be a mess all day long. Fighting OCD is hard as fuck. Don't make it harder for yourself by not sleeping well, not getting exercise, and in general neglecting your health. * **Trying your hardest not to seek reassurance.** You've probably heard this word being thrown around a lot here. It sounds just logical to seek reassurance when you have doubts, the thing is that reassurance for people with OCD is like heroin. It gives you that very short but strong "hit", and then you need more and more to be okay. The problem is that, just like a drug, OCD can never get enough of reassurance. The more you ask for it, the more you feel like you need to ask more because OCD needs you to be 1000% sure about your worry, and that's an impossible goal to reach. This WILL have an impact on your relationships and friendships. A lot of people, in an attempt to avoid seeking reassurance from their loved ones, they come on here to ask for it but it's just as harmful! **Some more things that have personally helped** * **Working on my trauma**. OCD can be a trauma response in relation to some core belief you have about yourself. In my case, my core beliefs are that I am not trustworthy and I am in general , a very flawed and idiotic person, so my instincts and choices are always going to be wrong. OCD "helps" me feel a fake sense of certainty around things that worry me. When I hand over my life choices to OCD I feel safer because I don't have to take that risk of making my own personal decisions, because I see them as inherently stupid. * **Exercise.** I know that when you're at your lowest with OCD the last thing you want to do is to move and sweat and feel more tired than you already feel. But it works, trust me. You really need to try it and stick to it a few times to really feel it. It gets you out of your head, it makes you feel lighter, it clears your head even if just for a moment, and it helps with serotonin levels. * **Adopting some life philosophy principles.** Even if I've been diagnosed only for 4 years, I've had OCD for almost all of my life. And that shapes your views on life. My therapist helped me realized that I think that there is always an objective truth, that letting go of control means things always going south, that there's just black and white , and that if you aren't certain about something and still live your life regardless you're a bad person. I had to unlearn all of these things plus more, for example the fact that I have such a hard time trusting my decisions. I think trying to reshape the way you view life and unlearning all of these ideals that stem from OCD can have a very important impact on your recovery. You can be extremely good at dealing with intrusive thoughts, but if at your core you still believe that there can be 1000% certainty about everything that will really halt you. This will also really help when you face relapses, because it will give you that security of having solid principles that show why OCD is always wrong. * **Having a solid support network.** This doesn't mean that you need to explain or tell about your diagnosis to everyone, especially when we know how many people know nothing about OCD and is also so very stigmatized. But having a social outlet can be extremely helpful, because OCD thrives in isolation. Just being in the presence of a loved one, doing outdoor activities together can really have a positive impact. * **Connecting with people here in these subs.** A lot of people just use these subs to seek reassurance, but it can be a great place to connect with people that have our same struggles in a way that's not reassurance-seeking. Sharing our stories, listening to other people's experiences really makes you feel not alone. Also, trying to help people that post here really gives me insight on how to deal with my own struggles. It's always easier to help someone else rather than ourselves, so you can use that to really resonate around OCD in a way that's less anxiety inducing compared to when you need to deal with your own thoughts. **Around ROCD (one of my main themes)** * Your partner is a human. If you let ROCD run rampant in your relationship, if you confess a lot, if you break up as a compulsion, if you lash out and get aggressive because of intrusive thoughts you will hurt your partner a lot. A lot a lot. I empathize with you because I've been there multiple times, but we really need to make the effort not to bleed on the other person because of our wounds. * Make a list of all the feelings that you think are wrong to feel in a relationship. A lot of common ones are boredom, irritation, anger. Try and make and effort to sit with those feelings instead of doing something about it. Make them part of your love life, not a deranged mistake that you make. * Relationships are complex and OCD wants you to have 100000% certainty on a part of your life that can never be that certain. The difference between you and other people in a relationship is not that they are 1000% certain, it's that they are okay with that 1% uncertainty. **Some other things that I think are generally helpful** * **Stay the hell away from advice subs.** I made a whole post on it but you can probably guess why it's so bad for you. * **Mindfulness activities.** I think these can be great once you're in a more stable place as they can be very triggering, because they make you much more aware of your intrusive thoughts. I've done the headspace course on anxiety once or twice and loved it. There's a lot of ways to meditate: being in nature and walking in silence, "traditional" eyes-closed meditation, meditative yoga etc. * **Work on every other comorbidity you may have.** If you have more than one mental disorder, one may trigger the other and it can be a very frustrating experience. Even if you're fully recovered from OCD, being in the trenches with, say, an eating disorder makes it really hard for you not to relapse with OCD. * **Cut social media time in half.** Or cut it off completely if you manage to. Mindlessly scrolling when you have OCD can be a legit DRUG. It makes you numb and it muffles the intrusive thoughts' noise. At one point my phone usage was 11 hours. It makes you stressed, anxious, feel less than, can give your brain fog... essentially the perfect mix for an OCD flare up. * **Be consistent with therapy.** I think this point is so important. Even once you are recovered, it's still so crucial to go to therapy, even monthly is okay. My worst relapse happened because I could feel myself getting worse but I had been out of therapy for months and didn't want to admit to myself that I needed help again. Having that session every X days helps you check in yourself and catch relapses before they snowball. * **Avoid confessing.** I know OCD makes it seem only logical to tell your SO /family /friends about your intrusive thoughts so that you do the "right" thing and tell them "the truth". This only impacts negatively your relationships. Telling everyone each of your intrusive thoughts only makes you feel better for 3 seconds and has no real use in your life unless you're telling them to a therapist. It can lead you to really hurt your loved ones feelings, for example with ROCD. Your partner can feel very hurt listening to the intrusive thoughts, even if they have no meaning. * **Live your life.** I'd like to conclude on this note. OCD makes you feel like you have a massive obstacle in life and that doing "big" things can be too much of a risk. Challenge that. Go on trips, make experiences, try a million hobbies and meet a million people, live your life to the best you can even if there's OCD. Bring it along for the ride. And that's because you have two choices : either agreeing with OCD and give up on your life, or bring the fucker with you for the ride. Having a life full of things to do is a much greater enemy to OCD. **What I think about the most popular accounts on OCD** * Mark Freeman - not a therapist but has never claimed to be one. He gives great advice that is based on evidence, his videos are super entertaining to the point that I was following him out of curiosity rather than a need to deal with my OCD. He can explain extremely complex subjects in a very simple way and I think that’s an absolute gift. * Anxietyjosh - Really like him. I don’t particularly enjoy his format per se, the kind of account that posts a million tweets with these truth nuggets that are of course very heplful, but it gives a lot of chaotic energy lol. * OCDrecoveryuk - Just no. He’s a scammer and has in general proved to be a very sketchy guy all around. If you want to know more, try to search his name in this sub , the story is way too long for me to write it here. * NOCD - I know that there are very mixed reviews about their therapy services but I never tried them so I can’t say. I found the app to be very helpful, it’s very nice to have your own app with erp exercises, community threads, SOS support etc. I’m really interested to try one of their support groups in the near future. * Awaken into love - This is a very hard one for me. On one hand, this is one of the first, if not the first channel, that brought awareness around ROCD and I know so many people in this community will be forever grateful for that. My problem with her is that even if she’s never far off with her explaining of OCD, I find that her solutions are a little odd. It seems like she often transforms OCD from an individual problem to a couples problem and I think that’s a little dangerous. She talks a lot about deepening connections, opening up more, putting the work in your relationship and that’s awesome, but it’s not really the point to me when it comes to OCD. OCD is an individual problem, it’s not a problem of the couple. Don’t get me wrong, everythings she says I think it’s 100% spot on and it’s wisdom everyone should reflect on. But all of this talk around relationship hardships to me relates more to relationship anxiety…? * Obsessivelyeverafter - certified therapist with a past with OCD. Love her, honest and trasparent and isn’t afraid to show the dark parts of OCD. * Youranxietytoolkit - OCD specialist on ig. Recommended! * Sheeva Rajee (shrinkwrap) : another big name regarding ROCD. I feel like she’s more focused on CBT, ERP based recovery than Kiyomi . I feel like she balances the wisdom part around relationships in general and knowledge around OCD well. I haven’t read her book yet but I’ve heard fantastic things. Other accounts I really like: OCD and Anxiety on youtube, theocdstories podcast, jenna overbaugh, ocdoodles, ocdexcellence, anxiouslovecoach EDIT: I'm going to add a few things that were brought up in the comments that were really good points, as well as some other things I wanted to add. **What about medication?** Medication can be great and very effective for OCD. I 100% think that if you want to go on medication you should also pair it with therapy , in fact it's the standard advice that professionals give, but medication can really help you not hit extreme lows. I personally just have a benzodiazepine that I use when I have severe anxiety, I initially wanted to go on medication but I have a few other meds that I'm on for other health conditions that are already giving me side effects, so the worry was that mixing them would cause more harm than good. However, if I ever feel like the benefits would be higher than the "risks" I'd gladly take them. I also think you can recover without meds! They are an awesome tool, and it's your choice wether to use it or not. If you are on the fence about this, your therapist or family doctor can help you. **What if I can't afford therapy?** This is, sadly, the case for many. I also had to stop for a while because of the cost and going back made me feel extremely guilty and anxious about the financial side of it. Given that mental health shouldn't be a luxury and it's beyond cruel that to get the right treatment you have to pay unspeakable amounts of money, there are some options. 1. First of all, look up if there is any kind of sliding scale / free limited sessions program in your country. This varies a lot from place to place. 2. Secondly, we luckily have a lot of books that were written by therapists or fellow sufferers that are absolute gems and that walk you through your OCD recovery. I'll put a list of my favourites below. I have read a lot of them especially when I wasn't in therapy and they are amazing, I now use them as reminders whenever I feel worse, because they condense a million things on OCD in very simple explanations. 3. Support groups. There are online support groups popping up everywhere nowadays! NOCD has a lot of support groups for a lot of OCD subtypes. 4. The NOCD app. Like I said in my first points, you can self administer ERP if you don't have a very hard time with it. I'd **definitely** avoid it if it triggers you to the point of not functioning or wanting to harm yourself , but if it triggers your anxiety in a "reasonable" amount, I'd say go for it. They have this ERP exercise layout that is super cool and that makes you track your progress. They also have some resources to help you during a crisis and a community chatroom. **Books I've read and loved about OCD** [You are not a rock (Mark Freeman)](https://www.amazon.it/You-Are-Rock-Step-step/dp/0143132601) [The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD: A Guide to Overcoming Obsessions and Compulsions Using Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy](https://www.amazon.it/Mindfulness-Workbook-Ocd-Overcoming-Compulsions/dp/1684035635/ref=pd_sim_sccl_2_5/258-0448772-0821427?pd_rd_w=l213R&pf_rd_p=0a8fd29c-6c57-4a75-a733-6fbd6f4ebb63&pf_rd_r=W43DF3XF2JFCM33626R2&pd_rd_r=5d262008-cdc9-42da-bddb-f3379a756260&pd_rd_wg=0sy2h&pd_rd_i=1684035635&psc=1) [The ACT Workbook for OCD: Mindfulness, Acceptance, and Exposure Skills to Live Well with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder](https://www.amazon.it/Mindfulness-Acceptance-Workbook-Ocd-Integrating/dp/168403289X/ref=pd_sim_sccl_2_14/258-0448772-0821427?pd_rd_w=l213R&pf_rd_p=0a8fd29c-6c57-4a75-a733-6fbd6f4ebb63&pf_rd_r=W43DF3XF2JFCM33626R2&pd_rd_r=5d262008-cdc9-42da-bddb-f3379a756260&pd_rd_wg=0sy2h&pd_rd_i=168403289X&psc=1) [The Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD: Lean into Your Fear, Manage Difficult Emotions, and Focus On Recovery](https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Workbook-OCD-Difficult-Emotions/dp/168403776X/) [Relationship OCD: A CBT-Based Guide to Move Beyond Obsessive Doubt, Anxiety, and Fear of Commitment in Romantic Relationships](https://www.amazon.com/Relationship-OCD-CBT-Based-Commitment-Relationships-ebook/dp/B08WHWXM7Q) Other books that I have not read but heard good things: [The OCD Answer Book: Professional Answers to More Than 250 Top Questions about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder](https://www.amazon.com/OCD-Answer-Book-Professional-Obsessive-Compulsive/dp/1402210582/) [Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty, Updated Edition](https://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-Personalized-ebook/dp/B00DYX9PX8/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_w=Y4Oq7&pf_rd_p=29505bbf-38bd-47ef-8224-a5dd0cda2bae&pf_rd_r=ZR6QW1WRSK6NM6N6HYHF&pd_rd_r=e82e763a-d18a-4d57-8bb9-0e96e2f6c0df&pd_rd_wg=1n7fc&ref_=pd_gw_ci_mcx_mr_hp_atf_m) [Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts: A CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over Frightening, Obsessive, or Disturbing Thoughts](https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Unwanted-Intrusive-Thoughts-Frightening-ebook/dp/B01LWA5RQU/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2GN59ZQGB697Y&keywords=overcoming+unwanted+intrusive+thoughts&qid=1651615472&s=digital-text&sprefix=overcoming+%2Cdigital-text%2C324&sr=1-1)

recently my real even ocd has been bothering me. I had an intrusive thought that my boyfriend sexually assaulted me and it was bothering to figure out if it was true or not, and I know his intentions are good and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me but I just have a problem trusting people due to my past experiences. I confronted him for reassurance which made me feel worse because my ocd is telling me that I’m being gaslighted and manipulated and that I’m in denial of my ocd. And it confuses me a little because my boyfriend has always respected my boundaries and has never coerced me into sex or has done anything to harm me and he has told me that he would never want to hurt or harm me in anyway.

So if as soon as you think of something you get an anxiety feeling in your chest but it’s not an unbearable feeling or feeling of great distress/angst but as soon as I think of that thought I get this anxious feeling in my chest does that mean I don’t like the thought but have gotten use to it so the anxiety isn’t really bad? Like can you get anxiety but but be so use to it that it doesn’t alarm you or come off really strong that you hate the anxious feeling? Because many times throughout the day I have a thought and I get this ‘mild anxious feeling’ but it kinda hits as soon as I ruminate …does that mean I don’t like the thoughts? I have been believing I’m bad and when I tested myself on an intrusive thought (it’s been bothering me a lot it’s about smothering someone😞) it felt so vivid but felt like ‘I liked the feeling of doing that when I imagined it’ I have been obsessing over it thinking I’m actually bad now and have sick desires, but the fact that as soon as I have the thought I get like an instant mild anxiousness in my chest does that mean I am uncomfortable/hate the thoughts but I have gotten use to them so my emotional response isn’t flaring up like it use to? Also why does it feel like I’m desperate to think about these thoughts but at the same time don’t want to think about them I don’t know what to do

So if as soon as you think of something you get an anxiety feeling in your chest but it’s not an unbearable feeling or feeling of great distress/ angst but as soon as I think of that thought I get this anxious feeling in my chest does that mean I don’t like the thought but have just gotten use to it so the anxiety isn’t really bad? Like can you get anxiety but be so use to it that it doesn’t alarm you or come off really strong that you hate the anxious feeling? Because many times throughout the day I have a thought and get that ‘mild anxious feeling’ but it just kinda hits as soon as I ruminate…does that mean I don’t like the thought? I have been believing I’m bad and when I tested myself on a intrusive thought (it’s been bothering me a lot it’s about smothering someone with a pillow😞) If felt so vivid but felt like ‘I liked the feeling of doing that) I have been obsessing over it thinking I’m actually bad now and have sick desires, but the fact that as soon as I have the thought I get like an instant,mild anxiousness in my chest does that mean I am uncomfortable/hate the thoughts but have gotten use to them so my emotional response isn’t flaring up like it use to? Because I’m so confused about my feelings I know I’m happier when I’m not thinking about any of this and I feel more normal but because I’m not getting really anxious and feeling feelings of disgust/horrible when I have the thoughts combined with feeling like ‘I liked the feeling of doing that’ when I imagined it, it makes me think I’m genuinely bad? Omg just now when I typed that last bit out ‘I liked the feeling of doing that’ this emoji came up ‘😁’ at the end of it and I got instant anxiety thinking I’m bad because that emoji popped up when I typed that bit out 😭🥲🥲 I don’t understand because I’m such a scaredy cat as well If it’s not intrusive thoughts about others it’s intrusive thoughts that someone will attack me (I get scared in the night, when I’m alone) I just don’t get a break if it’s not about other people it’s about myself or ‘if you don’t take another sip of water before bed, you are actually evil’ this problem is exhausting

Today I woke up and was just in bed on my phone feeling okay and then suddenly I get an intrusive thought about smothering one of my family members with a pillow and I get anxiety but also it feels like ‘I like the feeling of doing that, when I imagined it’ I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet and It’s started already. I think until I figure out or get an answer as to why it feels like ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ when I imagined it, I don’t think I will be at peace. I feel like no one gets it. It literally feels like I know how it feels to do that like I can feel it with all my senses doing that action, and that I like the feeling of doing that. I get anxiety but it’s not an ‘alarming, danger’ anxiety it’s anxiety that makes it feel like I want to or like the feeling of doing that anxiety. It’s weird because I don’t want to sit there imagining doing that but at the same time it feels like I’m desperate to imagine it and I don’t know if that’s because I’m testing myself or if I’m actually enjoying that sick feeling of ‘liking the feeling of doing that’ I mean I don’t feel particularly happy when thinking of those thought it just feels intense and like an urge but at the same time like I like the feeling of doing that and I don’t know what to do, I wish someone could give me answers as to why it feels like I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ the thought feels so intense and like I know how it feels to squash someone’s face with a pillow and how it feels for them to not breath and it’s horrible. I don’t even get feelings of ‘I hate that, disgust’ anymore I’m just obsessed with this feeling of ‘I like the feeling’ and I don’t want it to be true because I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone and now I’m worried I’ve discovered a sick desire and I’m crazy now

So I’ve been having thoughts about suffocating someone with a pillow, ugh I hate even writing that but I kept having this feeling where it felt like I liked the feeling of doing that when I imagined it, today I was downstairs and I had the thought about my cat but I didn’t get that feeling of ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ and I started thinking ‘yeah I’m just being tricked this is all a lie’ I went to see my mum in another room and I had a intrusive thought about the pillow thing about her and suddenly I felt like I had to have the thoughts, like I had to keep imagining it and that I liked the feeling of doing that and it’s really horrible, I started venting to her about it and crying but now I just don’t know what to think. Unless it some how comes to me strongly that I don’t like the feeling of doing that I’m just going to constantly be thinking it’s true? It feels like everyday I’m choosing not to be bad and when the thoughts feel like ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ it feels really real and I believe that I’m bad so much that I don’t even know why I’m not being bad. I don’t understand my feelings anymore, when I’m not having the thoughts I feel a lot better and happier but when I have the thoughts I don’t get any strong disgust feelings or like I hate it (I use to) now it just feels like I like the feeling of doing that and want to and it’s really scary how vivid it is. I think the anxiety I get in my chest makes the thought feel like I like the feeling of doing that or it’s an intense feeling that feels like an urge. I remember before when I use to get that intense anxious feeling over an intrusive thought it use to feel like an ‘unwanted urge’ and I use to quickly get out the room from how real it felt and I was scared but I deliberately imagined the thought to test myself and now instead of unwanted urge it feels like ‘I like the feeling of smothering someone’ and it’s really confusing because it’s feels like that but at the same time I know I don’t want to do that but it’s just horrible I don’t know what to do, also when I imagine it, it’s like my breathing stops because it’s an intense thought I guess and I hold my breath and it makes the ‘suffocation thought’ feel even more real like I know how it feels to do that and I don’t understand why it feels like I like it and it’s awful, I don’t want to like the feeling of doing something so awful, sometimes I have the thoughts and I have this head reflex thing where as soon as I have the thought I shake my head like ‘no’ or ‘ugh what is that horrible thought’ but other times the thought feels really real and intense but this feeling of ‘liking the feeling’ is really messing me up like I don’t know what to make of it, say if I’m actually enjoying a sick feeling , that’s what it feels like and I don’t know what to do, everyday I’m choosing not to dwell on the thought because of what a terrible depressed state it gets me in but it feels like I’m just ignoring the fact I have everlasting desires, I just want to live a normal life. Before I had this feeling of ‘I like the feeling’ I could just say to myself ‘it’s just intrusive thoughts ignore it’ but now that there is this confusing messed up feeling attached to it I don’t know what to do. Also when I have one intrusive thought there is like a feeling attached to it if anxiety that makes it feel like I know what it feels like to do that and that I like it and that makes my brain desperate to replay the thought to see if that feeling is true but now I’m worried say if it’s not because I’m trying to test myself say if it’s because I’m actually enjoying imagining how it feels to do that and that feeling of ‘I like the feeling is true’ I keep going on about this on here but I’m honestly at a loss, I don’t think anyone on here has experienced this same feeling, like it genuinely feels like through imagining doing that I know what it feels like and that I liked the feeling of doing that and my head is constantly worrying ‘say if it feels like a relief to do that’ ‘say you like the feeling of doing that because your frustrated… it feels like no one else can relate to this and I’m just worried, I was fine before but say if I’ve understood something I shouldn’t have and now I like the feeling and want to be evil I’m really at a loss and don’t know what to do. I’m a 19 year old girl, I don’t have any friends, I left school early due to social anxiety and I’ve never got to experience romance and now it feels like everything is gone because now I have some sick desire that will eventually screw my life up if I try to live normally. I spent so many years not doing anything with my life because I had crippling social anxiety, I couldn’t even go out and if I did I would have to wear a face mask because I felt anxious if people looked at me, after so many years spending my youth indoors not having fun with friends and I kept hoping some how I would come out of my social anxiety and in the end I watch a crappy documentary and end up like this, this year has been the worst year of my life, the only seemingly good thing that came out of this is I was forced to come out of my social anxiety because I was too scared too be at home so I was forced to go out with my mum to work and I hated coming home. I love helping people, I love making people food, looking after people, giving people advice and comforting them when they have problems, but now it feels like I’m living a double life and have sick desires and it’s awful. Surely there must be hope for me please 😞 when I have the thought I don’t get a strong feeling of disgust or guilt or anything anymore it jsut feel like I like the feeling and its so scary and intense and real feeling

Literally now when I think of my past crushes, my head like "yeah, but it was fake or you forced it"

As a child I struggled a lot with repetitive thoughts, and feeling like I had to do certain things to prevent bad things from happening. For example, I would get up a million times in the middle of the night to check if the sink was off, or make sure I if I looked one way I had to look the other way the same amount of times. I still struggle with similar thoughts, but now I deal with a voice inside my head constantly bringing up repetitive thoughts, and a lot of anxiety. Can anyone relate? I just started Zoloft because I think all of this indicates that I have OCD, but I am looking for some clarity. Will Zoloft even help? Please comment if you have any advice.

I talked to my therapist abt Harm OCD thoughts but I don’t think she completely understands OCD and thought I enjoyed my thoughts. I tried to clarify but I’m scared she’s going to call someone and think I’m a bad person

So can someone clear this up for me? So basically my harm thoughts around about smothering someone with a pillow and it got to the point where I deliberately imagined smothering someone with a pillow and in that moment I got bad anxiety but the thought was so vivid like it felt like I knew what it felt like to do that and that when I imagined it I ‘liked the feeling of doing that’ I don’t know how I came to feeling like that but now I’m just believing all the time that I like the feeling of squashing someone with a pillow and stopping them from breathing and it feels so real. So today I was alone with my brother and I hadn’t really had any intrusive thoughts today I’ve been ignoring it and I made myself some food and I came to sit down (my bro was playing his guitar) and I went to sit down at the table and I thought nah I’m not comfortable so I went to sit on my couch and I noticed there was a pillow in front of me and then the unease starts kicking in, suddenly My mind is trying to imagine those thoughts about my brother and I haven’t let them come but it feels like I really want to think about it and I don’t know why, I keep thinking that if I imagine it, it’s going to again feel like I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ and I don’t know if the reason I’m trying to have the thoughts is because I’m trying to test myself or if I’m actually bad and like imagining doing that since when I do imagine it I get this mild anxious feeling and it feels like I have to think about or that I like the feeling of doing that and I don’t know what to do, ik worried what if I’m frustrated and the reason why when I imagine it it feels like ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ is because it gives me a relief doing that because it felt like an urge for so long and now I actually want to and like doing that? It’s really scary I don’t even know what to make of myself anymore, the thoughts are desperate to come in like my mind wants to imagine that, but i don’t know if it’s trying to test myself because I got uneasy as soon as I saw the pillow, but it really feels like I like the feeling of doing that and I want to and im worried I wish this would go

Just constantly thinking that as long as I think about those thought I will get that feeling of ‘liking the feeling of doing that horrible thing’ and will want to or act on it. So it feels like the thing protecting me from being evil is me not thinking about the thoughts so now I’m constantly living on edge in case I do dwell on the thoughts and I seem to think that if I were to be alone I would suddenly be bad or my head imagined these situations where I would be bad, like recently I made a friend abroad and I was imagining meeting them and then my head just wonders off into thinking oh and then you were alone somewhere and you acted on the thought and killed a cat and it’s like then I start feeling like I’m actually bad and can’t be trusted and can’t be alone because it feels so real like the other day I had a suffocation thought about my cat when I was alone and I got that same feeling of ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ and it felt like it was actually about to happen and that I wanted to because I ‘liked the feeling of doing that’ and I just don’t know what to do with myself I do know that the only time I feel happy is when I’m not having these thoughts like when I forget about them and stop ruminanti g I feel so much happier but as soon as they come I’m convinced I liked the feeling of imaging doing that and want to but it’s still a stressful experience but I don’t even know it because it’s so deceiving I’m pretty sure it’s the anxiety that is making me feeling like I like the feeling of doing that or want to and it’s just awful because even when I forget about it my mind wants to think about it because I’ve been believing it and keep wondering if it’s true

Hello I am new to this application. I am 34 years old and I’m not sure if I have OCD but I’ve noticed that the last two weeks I have been having these horrible thoughts I can’t believe I am having them. It makes me so sad and scared and I can’t seem to stop crying. I’m going on week two feeling this way and can’t seem to get myself out of it. How can I possibly have thoughts about harming my child? They are the precious gift from God. They’re my flesh and bone how can I?? The anxiety I get every day has turned into having it all day and night, just the thought of How I can could possibly think of such thing, now followed by depression and lack of sleep. I have never had this problem ever up until now. I can’t even watch any crime shows or the news because it spikes my anxiety. I can’t even look at anything like knives, guns because it causes me major distress.

I was diagnosed w ocd as a child but want to know if this in specific sounds like ocd bc this is what causes me the most distress. TW—intrusive thoughts, talk about graphic thoughts I can’t go a single day without imagining my baby dead or imagining his funeral or holding his little dead body or imagining his tombstone. It makes me so sad. Every single day I live with a weight on my chest thinking about what will I do if he dies. I can’t stand waking up and seeing my beautiful baby and wondering if todays going to be the day I get a bad phone call. I have a knot in my stomach every day thinking about how I would plan his funeral or how I’ll continue carrying on if he dies. I am already on antidepressants, and I’ve been on and off of them in the past but nothing has helped before so I kinda figured it wouldn’t help now and it’s not. Some days are worse than others but it is an every day occurance. I don’t know what to do anymore. It makes my life a living hell. I just want to enjoy my baby, not envision them dead every day. I am starting to not enjoy my life anymore. I want to try different medicine but idk if any of it will help. I am so, so sick of this. I’ve lived with intrusive thoughts and fears my whole life but none of them compare to the thought of losing my child. I lay in the bath or bed and just cry and cry and cry and cry imagining my baby dead and imagining never getting to see them again, their smile their laugh and wondering how I’ll survive if they die. It makes me question why I even had a baby to begin with and makes me feel like life isn’t even worth it. I don’t necessarily have physical compulsions that I know of, just this constant thought and thinking about him dying and his funeral and how nad I will miss him. If he smiles at me I see him dead. If he does something cute I wonder if todays going to be the day he dies. Nothing good can ever happen without me getting thoughts of him dying. I just want this hell to end. I am grieving my son before he’s even gone. My husband says he never thinks about him dying because he hasn’t happened so there’s no point in worrying. But it’s almost like I need to know, like I am trying to prepare. I have done this thought process since I was a young kid and it went from my parents to my husband and now to my son. Constantly wondering if he’s going to die and how I’ll survive if he does and constantly thinking about his funeral or ways he could die makes me hate my life.

This is just kind of a rant but any encouragement would be so much appreciated, thank you ❤️ I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is incredible, kind, funny, smart, hardworking, so so loving-just an extremely good person. In 2021 I developed or at least recognized my OCD. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety and depression, definitely quite the list. Each of these conditions mingle with each other and make life very difficult at times. At the beginning it centered around me being a bad person but slowly grew to be relationship OCD. I have fears that I don’t really love him, I’m not actually attracted to him, I’m going to cheat on him, he doesn’t make me happy or that he would be better without me and is a better person than me. Lately I have this fear that one day not to far away he will prepose to me and I won’t be excited. Or that he will feel more for me then I do for him, or that I will have to fake my excitement. I have this vision of myself feeling nothing when he asks me and having to fake it. It’s just such a sickening thought to imagine not feeling the intense joy I always knew I would feel if he proposed to me. It’s so strange because before I had bad OCD I used to dream of that day, I would ask if he thought he might prepose to me one day and if his answer wasn’t certain enough I would feel very sad. It’s terrible because I’ll get depressed and feel nothing positive for any aspect of the world-including my relationship, but OCD will take that and twist it into me not feeling anything positive for him. Which will in turn make me feel more depressed. You ever just want to hide and pause the world for a little while so you can catch your breath? It feels like the weeks go by so slowly but still suddenly I’m nearly grown up.