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Does anyone else ever experience like a jump in their chest? Almost like being poked but it’s from inside your chest? I’ve been to the doctor and was told I have Sinus Arrhythmia. Can anyone relate?

Your ocd is meant to latch onto something to keep you in the cycle of worry and for me it’s this ‘feeling’ I get, it’s not really an emotion it’s like one time I imagined this thought about my mum the thought is about smothering with a pillow, I imagined it on purpose I hope I would get bad anxiety from it and know for sure I hated it but I don’t know why but it felt like I knew how it felt to smother and ‘felt good’ to do that when I imagined it - now idk if that’s the same ‘fake urge’ feeling but I’ve confused it now since these were thoughts I deliberately brought on not the usual unwanted intrusive thoughts so maybe I got a ‘fake urge’ but I’m mistaking it for me ‘liking the feeling’ of doing that since I deliberately imagined it but it’s really horrible and when I get that feeling it feels really real that it ‘feels good’ to do that and I’ve been paranoid about it ever since my life been in shambles. Now I’ve got that in my head that I like the feeling of doing that and would ‘give in’ because I like the feeling, I keep thinking that I would do that now that it feels like I ‘like the feeling of smothering’ and I cry so much over it but it feels to real and because I’m believing it I think we’ll why am I believing it it must be because it’s true and the fact I’m believing that that would actually happen does that mean I want to do that ?? I keep thinking this means I want to give in to it because now I like the feeling and it’s been worrying me a lot. It’s like I cry a lot and am worried and testing myself deliberately imagining the thoughts to see if that feeling is there but I still believe that it’s true and that’s another thing I’ve got in a habit of constantly Imagining those thoughts about smothering on people I care about ans my cats to ‘test’ myself and everytime I just shudder or get a strain feeling in my neck as I shudder and get a sort of anxiety shudder but I still don’t believe that that means I hate it and I keep imagining it to see if that feelings there and then I think maybe I just haven’t imagined it properly for that feeling to come back and then I’m worrying maybe I like the feeling of stopping someone from Breathing and I don’t know but sometimes I think it must just be my fight or flight and I know ocd can make you feel things that aren’t real but the fact it’s making me think I would enjoy the feeling of smothering someone with a pillow is disgusting and I feel really worried about that. It seems like as well that feeling when it does come about it’s always about something vulnerable like a baby or animal qnd then I get more paranoid thinking I like the feeling of doing that to something vulnerable. I’m really worried about my future I keep thinking I won’t be able to live a normal life because now I ‘like the feeling’ I ‘want to give into it’ can ocd make you think that you ‘want to do something’ that you don’t want to do because it feels like that and it’s scary because it’s backed up by that feeling of ‘feels good to do that’ like I can’t explain it but it feels like when I imagined pushing the pillow on someone’s face and then not being able to breathe ‘feels good’ and it’s terrorising me, I’ve always been a good person always wanted to help people and now I have this horrible feeling that’s keeping me in limbo because it feels extremely real and that feeling isn’t there all the time in fact it’s only happened a few times but I go looking for it because I’m worried it’s there so I deliberante imagine the thoughts to test myself. I feel so down and sad. And then a few days ago my sister went away and it was just me and my mum left in the house and it was night and my mum was sleeping and I started worrying because we were left alone and then I started deliberately bringing on these horrible scenarios or me smothering my mum and then in movies when yoy see them dragging a body and burying it and I imagined that about my mum and then I got myself in a panicked state and I starting getting hot and cold chills and heart beating faster and for some reason I kept feeling like I wanted to imagine it and I don’t know why and then I we thinking there must be something wrong with me and now even today it’s the same thing I kept feeling like I needed to imagine it and i don’t know if that’s because I’m worried or trying to test myself but the thoughts so vivid like I know how it feels to drag someone of a thoughts or putting mud on someone or digging a hole and my mum was in it and it’s so disgusting and I don’t know why I was imagining all that on purpose and I’ve had really bad anxiety, I haven’t had it this bad in a while I felt like I didn’t want to eat and feeling unwell like headaches and almost felt like I had a cold that’s how badly Stressed I was but it still feels all too real and I feel really uneasy and now my sisters back home and now I’m worrying why was being alone causing all this why was I imagining all that horrible things about my mum just from being alone I never had those kinds of thoughts like that before and now I’m thinking I can’t be alone with anyone and I feel better now the house isn’t empty but now I’m thinking The reason I’m not being evil is because I’m not alone and I’m worried how can I be getting such bad anxiety but at the same time feel like I want to or need to being on the thoughts am I trying to test myself? I’m such a mess and I don’t know what to do I wish I could be free from all this. A few days ago I went to meet with family and we had a nice time and everything was happy and fine and now it’s all gone down hill and I feel awful. And does anyone have moments where your mind makes it feel so real like it could actually happen and now because of those thoughts it’s felt like ‘that could have happened’ ‘imagine that happened’ and then I feel really anxious like and the im worrying ‘what if I just choose not to do it’ and I’m just worrying and feel like I’ve committed a crime when I haven’t because it felt so real like it could have happened and I’m just a worrying mess. Please god help me

Real life events is kicking my butt today lol I keep ruminating over and over again about the mistake I did in researching and triggering my existential ocd worse to a point of no return 😭 it feels like I can’t enjoy life and that I’m stuck I don’t like sharing but I’m terrified of being stuck like this forever. My thoughts keep getting more extreme and severe pertaining about space, time, and eternity, afterlife. This sucks I wouldn’t wish this ocd theme to not even my worse enemy :/ I’m just so confused in how can your brain one day just get triggered by something and bam, I remember I was obsessed with space and I would even watch hour long documentaries about it and i would hear people talking about the afterlife and even myself I would think and i never got fear or was scared. Hell I would actually be the one talking about the meaning of life and pondering so this is something I was in essence exposed to so I really don’t know how one comment I saw on TikTok could have triggered this essential ocd im so confused and mad it feels like I unlocked a part of my brain that I never should have :/ I’m so hyper aware of everything now

Hello, I’ve been recently diagnosed with OCD and I struggle mostly with ROCD right now. I had a traumatic breakup last year and am now in a new relationship and we’ve been together for 8 months now. I really do feel like I love him but I sometimes don’t feel the romantic emotions as much anymore and sometimes he annoys me or I just feel a bit bored in the relationship. I really don’t want to break up with him and I’m so scared of breaking up but I’m so afraid he isn’t “the one” or that we aren’t compatible. Is it normal to have these worries? Does this mean we aren’t right for each other? My therapist mentioned ROCD usually consists of irrational fears and that my fears seem rational so it may not be OCD so I’m terrified and can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve also had an instance before where I had an intrusive image of my ex during an intimate moment and it made me feel like I was cheating and then I felt the need to confess to my boyfriend. I know that was ROCD for sure but I’m not sure if the rest is. I really don’t want to lose him but I’m worried that I don’t love him or that we aren’t right for each other.

TW: So I am absolutely TERRIFIED of rabies. To the extent that I can't even be around my dog anymore and I don't know what to do. I'm scared that I might have contracted it because 2 days ago I picked up a stray cat that's been coming to my house and gave it a kiss on the cheek. I'm so scared that I either have rabies or will contract the virus somehow. I'm too scared to go outside at the point. I don't know what to do.

***trigger warning for health OCD*** Today was off to a great start I meditated and did some mantras to prepare myself for a better day than yesterday. Unfortunately right after my mantras as I went to get up from bed and check my phone I saw an angel number which is definitely one of my big triggers. I feel as if the universe or my angels are trying to tell me something and that I should listen to my intuition more (ofc what Google says when I look up the meaning) which is a big no no for me because I get so triggered and feel like I should do my compulsions. This has been going on for almost a month and even if I’m genuinely not thinking about it I can still spot it. Saw 222 yesterday afternoon and last night, 444 this afternoon and 555 an hour later (health OCD). I already got medical clearance just a month ago and now my head is saying it’s because what’s “really wrong with me” is someplace else in my body with my only evidence being the angel numbers I see and bloating (from my diagnosed IBS). I guess this new fear that maybe my ovaries are what’s wrong with me is from looking up women’s bloated tummies who have ovarian c-word and comparing them to mine (literally that article talks about a woman who mistook her c-word for IBS). When getting tested for IBS I also had a whole abdominal ultrasound and every organ came out fine even my uterus but they couldn’t see my ovaries due to ‘overlying bowel gas’ which didn’t freak me out before but now makes me feel like it’s a telltale sign that something’s wrong with me. I literally also got a pelvic exam about 3 years ago and all results were normal. Technically I have no actual symptoms but even if 10 amazing doctors told me my ovaries are fine I’d obsess over HPV instead for example or something else totally. I really can’t help but look at my tummy and obsess over repeating numbers. I check my weight every 2-3 days and now today I apparently lost 4kgs (I haven’t eaten in almost 13 hours though and the scale is really inaccurate because it’s so old). Despite this I think it’s such a sign from the universe that something’s wrong with me. Can ocd really do this to somebody?? Is it possible that even if I’m not consciously thinking about it I still spot it so many times?? I think I just can’t wrap my head around all this because my brain keeps forcing me to think it’s real and doesn’t even want to consider anything otherwise.

Can you keep feeling like you need to think about thoughts you don’t like? Yesterday I had this horrible thought of you know in movies when they drag a body and bury it? I had a horrible thought of that image and then I kept feeling like I needed to imagine it and today it’s the same and now im thinking why am I I trying to imagine that say it it’s because I like it and im evil and it’s so vivid as well like as if I know how it feels to drag someone and it’s disgusting but feels real and I don’t understand why I keep wanting to imagine it?? Am I trying to test myself what is it ??

haven’t done any therapy yet and would like to talk to someone who has before cause i’m nervous and i just saw a woman on tik tok say intrusive thoughts are just intuition and it was so scary.

I think I'm just such an awful person, I've had groinal responses in the past I'm aware of them but I really don't know what's real anymore, I think I might be an awful person so I'm so sorry, I just want to be clean and good. I'm not even diagnosed as having OCD. I showered yesterday which was so awful and tiring but I felt good after because I felt nice and pure. My bed was clean but now I feel like it isn't and everything is wrong because I messed up and now I feel dirty and wrong again. In some ways I hate being clean because then I have to worry about keeping clean, at least when I'm dirty I'm in a dirty bubble where as long as I don't touch anything different I'm fine. It takes so much work to maintain being clean but maybe that is just what I deserve. If people knew what went on in my mind they would laugh in my face or find me disgusting. I feel like I shouldn't be on this app because I think I might genuinely be an awful person so I'm sorry for tainting it with my rants. I'm only 16 I just want to be normal I've probably washed my hands about a million times today but what's the point if I'm just going to be dirty again. It lasted one day, one day of feeling happy and clean. Why did this have to be me?

having string feeling of regret shame and guilt about a past mistake i can't get it out my head it won't go away i feel like why did we do this when we were younger if this hadn't of happened i would be living my life but instead i'm just about getting by i really don't know what i'm meant to do or say to get past this mistake and instead feelings it's been about 10 years now living with this mistake i'm now 24

I constantly overthink that I’m being kept from information and being lied to and that stuff is always hidden from me. I cry at the slightest shift in tone and I overthink everything that may have lead up to it. I overthink changes in routine and when something that’s small to others change it feels like a stab in my heart. I hate change and when it happens I spiral and I feel like I’m no longer loved. When out of sight and out of mind, I always overthink about how the love will fade if he doesn’t have a constant reminder of me even if it’s only been a few hours. I feel like something will happen and he will not even care that I exist and he’ll cheat or lie or hide things from me until one day he reveals the truth way after he has lost feelings. I constantly worry even with insane amounts of reassurance and I don’t know how to stop my overthinking. This overthinking causes extreme panic attacks and feeling not whole and lonely. I often think of killing myself because of it and I don’t know how to talk to anyone because I don’t want people to think I’m in a bad relationship and make it worse by telling me to breakup with him. He’s very thoughtful and talks everything out with me now that I’m trying to be more open but even that doesn’t help. I told him yesterday and he said to try to find something good in everything I overthink, I thought then and there that he’d never understand because where is the finding something good in wanting to kill myself? I didn’t say that to him though because I didn’t want him to get upset. I did say how do I find a good in overthinking about lying and cheating though? And all he could reply is I don’t know how to help you beyond what I’ve already tried doing. And I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way but that caused me to spiral more. I stopped messaging him about the subject and just thanked him and told him I loved him so he didn’t feel bad he couldn’t help, but it made me feel like I’m unable to be fixed. It made me overthink things 10x more. I don’t know what to do anymore and how to help myself I just wanna be happy and trust him and trust myself and our relationship but it’s so hard with all these thoughts never leaving my head and appearing every single time I’m happy. I used to just bottle it in but it’d make me go mute and push him away physically and mentally even though I just wanted to be comforted. I hugged him while having these thoughts and balling my eyes out for a few hours yesterday and it felt more assuring than pushing him away, definitely, but I can’t always hug him when I need to and it’s not like I can ask for constant reassurance. He’s very busy, works, a student, acts, sports, etc and I can’t weigh him down like this and I wanna get better if I want our relationship to work. There are so many things that set off my overthinking; here are a few that do the trick. Long periods of time without being near me (not long to normal people, at most 2 days), long periods of time between text or talk, when Life360 messed up and shows me he’s on the side of the road or somewhere random etc, when I know he’s with pretty talented people, when his mood shifts or his tone changes, when he doesn’t wanna cuddle me when it’s hot, and countless more things. I know it’s an issue to get upset at these but I can’t help the scenarios and overthinking my brain makes up. It often causes me to want to punish myself to be more talented, skinny, pretty, less boring so that he’s always happy with me. There’s so much more but that’s all I can write right now and think of unless talking about specifics.

I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore I’m feeling like I’m faking my feeling of being upset and secretly want to laugh or smile and People on here say they’re scared to think of the thoughts but I’m deliberately imagining them to test myself but how can I think of such vile things on purpose and have no problem thinking of them, I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me, I’ve got this horrible scenario in my head that I’ve been worrying about, about burying someone and I’m literally sat there deliberately imagining digging a hole and putting mud on someone’s face and the thought is about my mum and then I’m frowning and getting pain in my eyebrows and feel stressed but I don’t know I’ve been tearful all night and this morning but I don’t know what’s going on. I started worrying. About these things because my brother went away and I’m alone in the house with my mum and I’ve been worrying about it, I don’t know what to do I feel so bad and I’ve been researching about that killer Chris watts and it he had mental health because it’s from that documentary how my ocd started because I started physically shaking after watching it and it’s almost like I got trauma from it because he seemed normal and then done that and online it says he wasn’t a psycho and that’s why it’s a strange case because he was normal and suddenly done that and now I’m wondering why I’m thinking of these evil thoughts in so much detail am I just testing myself to see if I’m like that or am I insane?? I’m really worried and then my brother rang to say he’s back tomorrow and now I feel a bit better but why can’t I be alone with someone without thinking these things I’m scared and don’t know what to do. My life feels like I’m in that documentary and that that could actually happen and it feels real and I don’t know what to do I feel like I’m lying about being worried I don’t even know if I’m panicking anymore I have been tearing g up but I don’t know why I’m entertaining these thoughts if I hate them??? It should be that I can’t bear to think of them but I’m deliberately thinking of them?? Say if I’m split personality or something say if secretly it appeals to me and I’m crazy and I would actually do that ??? I feel terrible

Don’t really know how to start this off but I’ve been having a lot of stress and dread about this hookup I had 2 years ago. I’m very shameful, embarrassed and angry at myself for what I did to myself. About two years I was in this phase where I just wanted a hookup. I do not remember why but I just did. Well I got tinder and found this partner, but this partner was not at all my preference. With respect, I was not physically attracted to her but I was drawn by the opportunity to meet up and hookup as I was a virgin* and wanted to get it “on”. We agreed to oral sex and the date was set. Through text we made sure* we were clean and I had told her it was my first time. Anyways we meet up and I drank a bit to loosen up and feel less anxious for what I was about to do, as soon as I saw her in person I felt a pit in my stomach, she did not look at all how I thought she did but I was already there and didn’t know how to pull out of the situation. So I chived on and got in her car and we’ll we got started. It was horrible. My first sexual experience and it was horrible, I was miserable, and I wanted it to end. I know it’s because she was like I stayed with respect and not to body shame, she was not my preference of partner nor physical standards and I mean by a long shot. Anyways she swallowed, sorry for the nasty info but this is crucial, and we’ll we went on our night. That night I had bad ideas and feelings. I thought I screwed up my life and all that type of stuff and etc. I’ve gotten over the ocd and anxiety of stds and what not but as of recent I’ve been having ocd loophole thoughts of “what if she impregnated herself” “ what if I have a kid” “ what if she’ll reach out to me to tell me” “ what if the kid will reach out to me”, then I even had this doubtful thought of “ what I’d she wasn’t a “she” “. I feel sick and afraid for all these worries I have. I just wanted to share and see if anyone had feedback. Thank you for your time.

Hey guys. So I just had a pretty big relapse in my ocd, the first one since I started going to therapy. At first it was hard to accept that I had gone back to old patterns, but I’m trying to look at it as a chance to do better for myself this time. A chance to handle it with compassion, kindness and regard for myself rather than the disgust and shame I felt during my first big ocd episode. Here are some things I’ve been doing that have helped: Epsom salt baths- what I’ve realized is that it doesn’t serve me to be anxious all the time. I need to calm my body down so I can feel hunger, and have moments of clarity. And these baths help a lot - the magnesium really helps relax and give you a moment to be comfortable in your body. Remember to eat and drink enough water. Right now, your mind is running wild and your body is responding as if it’s in fight or flight mode- make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Gratitude practice- I know that it can seem really hard to find the positive during a really intense OCD episode. But what I’ve found is that if I make the effort to recognize the good in my life, even if it’s as small as “I had the money to buy myself some epsom salts to take care of myself” or “I’m grateful for that sunset I just saw” has helped me keep my spirits more alive even if my brain wants to pull me into rumination. Crying - let yourself have a release. One thing I like to do is imagine my mom or an older version of myself coming in the room and comforting me. It helps to imagine what you would say to a loved one that just had the day you had. For example: if my head really hurts from ruminating all day - I’ll take the time to drink water and take some medicine. Then I’ll think about what I would say to someone who dealt with the stress, anxiety, and rumination that I just had that day. Well a lot of times (and we want to stay away from reassurance with this) I’ll say to myself “I can’t tell you whether or not your obsessions are true. But I can tell you that I love you and I’m here for you no matter what.” And I find this is a great way of reinforcing your relationship with self as you learn to trust your ability to navigate difficult flare ups. Holding your own hand, being the support you need, can make the world of a difference. Doing exposures in real life. I’ve found that doing exposures have made me feel empowered again, even if that only lasts for a little bit. I’ve found that not planning exposures as much and just going about my life saying “Right now, what would I do if I didn’t have ocd?” Or being spontaneous anyways even if it feels uncomfortable has helped. Look objectively at your day. Are you spending two hours laying in bed in the morning before you get up? Maybe eliminating that or paring it down intentionally will help you reduce rumination. Taking supplements - fish oil, b6 vitamin, vitamin c, vitamin d are all ones I take every day and help keep my immune system up and my brain functioning a bit better. Keep a feelings journal. Staying in touch with your emotions is really important. I’ve found it to really help me break out of ocd as I can say to it “I hear you, OCD. But my inner child is really sad right now, and I’m going to direct my attention towards her rather than engage in rumination.” At the end of the day we can’t help what our brains might want to do. They might want to ruminate, mentally review, make us afraid and anxious and have irrational doubts. But we can control the ways that we treat ourselves, and what we direct our attention towards. May we direct our attention towards the good in our lives, towards care and love and moments of peace, because that will start to being more of that in. You know what they say “What you focus on gets bigger”. And I would say that especially if you are dealing with ocd - you deserve even more love and compassion - and hopefully I’ve been able to give you some tips that might help foster that as well. Feel free to add your own methods of dealing with OCD below. And hey, to anyone struggling through their own relapse right now - I get it. It sucks. But it’s also within your control to make it better - and I believe in you. I’m so proud of anyone out there fighting ocd right now. Fighting for the big, beautiful life that you deserve. Stay strong ❤️ You can do this.

So I’ve got into this bad habit of deliberately imagining the intrusive harm thought about people and my cats. One day when getting the same unwanted intrusive thought I decided to deliberately imagine doing that and how it would feel in hope that I would get really bad anxiety and know for sure that I hated it but I don’t know why but for some reason instead I imagined it (thought about smothering someone with a pillow) and it felt like I knew how it felt to do smother someone and that I liked the feeling or it felt good to do that. Ever since then my life has been full of so much stress I’ve never cried harder in my life because now I’m obsessed with these smothering thoughts, most times I think of them and get a shudder and feel tense and pull a disgusted face like I hate the thoughts but sometimes its felt like I ‘liked the feeling of doing that’ when I imagined it and it freaks me out and has kept me on a choke hold where I’m now believing i like the feeling or doing that and every so often I imagine the smothering thought about people around me on my cat so I can get an anxious/tense feeling to reassure myself that I don’t like it but even that doesn’t reassure me because I’m still believing that before it felt like it would ‘feel good to do that’ I feel so miserable I’ve never had bad intentions for anyone and now I’m worried the fact that I’m so unsure and belive that ‘it feels like I like the feeling of suffocating’ does that mean it’s true why do I not believe myself say if its because I secretly do ?? Im really really worried. I’ve always had an instinct to help people but now I’m worried I’ve discovered it ‘feels good to stop someone breathing’ from imagining it and now I would still do that or maybe on impulse or in the moment and its worrying me a lot how can I continue my life like this, I’m so stressed out no one understands it feels so real and I keep being uncertain and deliberately Imagining smothering my mum or my cat to ‘test if it feels like I like the feeling’ but that feeling never comes, but because it has a few times before now I feel like its true and real and I don’t know if maybe its just adrenaline or anxiety and I’m mistaking it for liking the feeling i don’t know anymore, but maybe its possible since sometimes I read a article of something bad or sad happened to someone and it feels like I’m about to laugh or smile when I don’t like what I’ve read and I think that means it’s anxiety or intense feeling and I’m getting false feelings or something. Im such a fearful person I’m literally scared of my own shadow and now I’m believing all this horrible things about myself and it feels so real I feel so sad and drained I don’t know what to do 😞😞 and then I think the fact I can sit there imagining these smothering thoughts about my mum or cats does that mean I’m bad?? I’ve got into a habit of imagining jt often to see if I will get anxious or feel like I hate the thoughts, then I keep thinking that eventually it would happen or it’s inevitable Since now it feels like i ‘like the feeling’ I’m so worried it’s true or I would do that. I jar everything I just want my old life back I’m so miserable

Over a year together with him, and I’ve just recently learned that I have relationship OCD and perfectionist OCD. We talked about it, but I can sense it breaking his heart when I tell him that I cycle between wanting to marry him to breaking up over and over everyday. Constantly evaluating every word or action of his, what shirt he wears that day, how he brushed his hair, what he ate for lunch, who he talked to, what he spent money on, etc any of these things can trigger me into an episode of intrusive thoughts about him not being the one, he’s wrong for me, I’m trapped, I need to get out. It can also swing the other way to me feeling an impulse to go to the courthouse and get married right there. I know that I love him, I always desire to spend time with him; and I picture my future with him in it. He’s such a wonderful person. I don’t know how to stop this emotional rollercoaster my mind straps me into everyday. I just want to be in love and feel secure. How will I ever get married with all of these doubts attacking me everyday?? I can’t stop myself from constantly lecturing him on his flaws and what he needs to change for me to love him more consistently. I feel like a cold and evil person. Will I ever have clarity? Is he really as flawed as I think he is or am I sabotaging the best thing in my life?

What are some ways that have helped you overcome the fear that your child will be abused/SA? If you are a survivor of childhood abuse/SA—Do you feel that fear is worse because you’re a survivor? Thank you in advance! I became a parent this year & since my child has reached 2-3 months these fears have been eating me alive. As a survivor myself, I feel my trust level is on 0 because of my abuser.

I believe I’ve always had intrusive/OCD thoughts. When I was younger I always repeated phrases because my brain went “if you don’t do this your whole family will die” but it wasn’t anything too bad. However, when I was 15 I entered my first relationship. I had divorced parents and didn’t know what love was - so it ended up being abusive and I did not know. He forced me to disclose all the people I found attractive as well as all the “unpure” thoughts I had. He deemed fantasizing cheating - which I respected - but also caused for a lot of intrusive thoughts to make me freak out. He also gaslit me and accused me of cheating for the lightest things (gave my cousin a side-hug) and prohibited me from getting male friends because he thought I’d cheat (I’ve never been unfaithful or even flirted w another man. I’ve always had strong morals about it) I believe this trauma is what made my ocd what it is now, since I’m used to being accused for stuff I didn’t understand or have control over. I believe that understanding OCDs roots allows me to heal because it reminds me that I could exist without this thoughts and still had a good moral compass.

I have contamination ocd and I’m constantly cleaning and organizing for sometimes hours until it feels “just right” and it’s truly miserable. I asked a friend of mine if cleaning for hours at a time all day is excessive and his reply was “no you’re just a clean person!” It honestly hurt to hear that I guess I was just seeking reassurance and shouldn’t have asked. Does anyone else get that reply a lot? And if so how do you deal with it? It made me feel like my ocd isn’t a problem.

So, yesterday I found out that one of my coworkers (I'm her boss) cries because I'm so mean to her every day and the last time she felt as bad as I make her feel was when her dad was in the hospital, and that everyone encouraged her to report me because of how awful I am, including MY BEST FRIEND'S SISTER. I genuinely cannot think of a single time I've been mean, let alone so mean she wrote a resignation letter, cries every day in front of everyone, and is scared of me. How can I be that mean to someone and not even realize it? I'm not doing anything unusual, so I'm being that mean just by naturally being myself. I feel like the worst person on earth. I want to quit so badly, I can't continue working with this girl, she deserves better than me. I can't stop crying, I had no idea I'm such an awful person to be around. I've never felt more autistic in my life. I'm so genuinely shocked by this. I thought I was friends with everyone and that we were all fine. But nope, I got reported and they all hate me because I'm so mean to them and especially one girl. I don't know what to do other than resign. I don't know how to process this.