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What do you do? When you want to leave it all because you’re afraid you’ll hurt people

How do you handle it if there’s actually a chance you did something wrong? I have bad real event/false memory, though I don’t know how many are actually false memories. Anyway, when I was 19, I had a flirty relationship with someone who was 17. We kinda did this on and off for a while and we used to text a lot. I know at a few different points, we had a sexual relationship and it often came out through text, but I can’t remember when we did certain things. I don’t know if I broke the law or something and because this is such a serious matter, I feel like I’m dying inside. I don’t know what to do, there’s no proof of it because it was a few years ago now and even if there was I don’t think I’d go back and look which makes me feel like I’m a terrible person. What if I did something awful? Can someone give me some advice? I’ve been doing really well the past few days but then this came up and knocked me off my feet. It feels like there’s a real possibility I did something and I’m so terrified.

Hi all. Kinda freaking out here. It’s the girl with the dog here again. It’s 5:30 in the morning here and I am legit in a freak out. This is going to be long so please bear with me. My intrusive thoughts about my dog have gotten so bad even with ERP, I can barely function. I am constantly seeing in my mind her being chopped into pieces. Over and over again. And it’s like I suddenly become aware of different body parts that I’m seeing in this images, so if I am around her, I become aware that she has them, and it makes me feel like I’m so freaked out I’ll do something to her because I’m freaked out by them. It’s usually her neck, or her internal parts, etc. I get near her, get reminded, and all these images start coming and it feels like I’m being pulled/will do these things. All day every day. Not to mention the fact, that I consciously think of the thoughts and sometimes still feel like I’d do them. It feels like I’m actually considering doing these horrific things. And I have different feelings that go with them - physical sensations, urges, etc. It puts her in every horrible violent situation and makes me feel like I’d actually do these things to her (i.e - see her being pulled apart - I get a weird feeling in my chest with these thoughts that feels like I’d actually kind of black out and do them or be okay with it; almost like a sense of dropping calm thought my body?!). I ate meat today and it made me think of someone doing that to her - and made me feel like I would - and would be okay with it. Sometimes I get these waves of this feeling that it would be no big deal or I wouldn’t care. Frankly, I’m freaking out. I feel like I will actually end up acting on these thoughts. The longer this goes on the more I feel like that. I also feel like I don’t care about her anymore and that scares the living shit out of me because then I feel like I don’t value her and that it wouldn’t bother me to act on them. I have loved this dog for 8 freaking years. What the hell is wrong with me?!!! I feel like my thoughts about her are SO much more violent and the rest of it is just so off - I then start scouring the internet for stories of people with harm ocd, and instead found a story of a guy who went into psychosis and killed his pet. Which of course makes me feel like with everything I’m seeing and already feeling…let’s just say it didn’t help. Am I a lost cause??! Is my dog unsafe with me? I feel like she is. I don’t sleep anymore because of these thoughts so I’m literally up all night watching tv because I’m so scared and convinced that I will do these things. I don’t understand what happened.

Hi all. Kinda freaking out here. It’s the girl with the dog here again. It’s 5:30 in the morning here and I am legit in a freak out. This is going to be long so please bear with me. My intrusive thoughts about my dog have gotten so bad even with ERP, I can barely function. I am constantly seeing in my mind her being chopped into pieces. Over and over again. And it’s like I suddenly become aware of different body parts that I’m seeing in this images, so if I am around her, I become aware that she has them, and it makes me feel like I’m so freaked out I’ll do something to her because I’m freaked out by them. It’s usually her neck, or her internal parts, etc. I get near her, get reminded, and all these images start coming and it feels like I’m being pulled/will do these things. Not to mention the fact, that I consciously think of the thoughts and sometimes still feel like I’d do them. It feels like I’m actually considering doing these horrific things. And I have different feelings that go with them - physical sensations, urges, etc. It puts her in every horrible violent situation and makes me feel like I’d actually do these things to her (i.e - see her being pulled apart - I get a weird feeling in my chest with these thoughts that feels like I’d actually kind of black out and do them or be okay with it; almost like a sense of dropping calm thought my body?!). I ate meat today and it made me think of someone doing that to her - and made me feel like I would - and would be okay with it. Frankly, I’m freaking out. I feel like I will actually end up acting on these thoughts. The longer this goes on the more I feel like that. I also feel like I don’t care about her anymore and that scares the living shit out of me because then I feel like I don’t value her and that it wouldn’t bother me to act on them. I have loved this dog for 8 freaking years. What the hell is wrong with me?!!! I feel like my thoughts about her are SO much more violent and the rest of it is just so off - I then start scouring the internet for stories of people with harm ocd, and instead found a story of a guy who went into psychosis and killed his pet. Which of course makes me feel like with everything I’m seeing and already feeling…let’s just say it didn’t help. Am I a lost cause??! Is my dog unsafe with me? I feel like she is. I don’t sleep anymore because of these thoughts so I’m literally up all night watching tv because I’m so scared and convinced that I will do these things. I don’t understand what happened.

I told my therapist about my childhood, I told her about the things I didn't wanna think about but was always in the back of my mind leaving me with guilt and disgust, I finally talked about those memories of doing things as a kid that I shouldn't have been doing with other kids, even with other kids in my own family. It's always been hard for me to think about because of how disgusting it makes me feel, but I finally had the strength to talk about it I felt so relieved that I said it all out loud, and it turns out I was just an unsupervised and curious child looking for attention from other people my age For a long time this has massively affected my pocd because of how much I think about those times, at the time it felt good but it's conflicting because I was a child back then and so where the others, I thought I was a pedophile for thinking about it so hard, I wanted to apologize to all of the others, although it was all consensual, it was still easier to blame myself fully and in my head I made myself out to be some kind of predator when I wasn't at that age and I'm not one now, I just felt guilty. Guilty about exposing the others to things that I was exposed to by other kids. I think the worst thing that came out of it for me was when I was chatting with someone on Omegle and they told me to do something very inappropriate even though they knew how old I was and I did it, even though I knew I shouldn't have, and then they just left. I still struggle with pocd, I get triggered when people make jokes about me, implying that I'm a predator (me and my friends make obviously bad jokes to each other and exaggerate, they'd never actually call me or anyone that lightly, just to make things clear because I know that sounds AWFUL but it's like "oh you like this kids show? Guess you must be a pedo😵‍💫🤢" and wed say it in an obviously stupid way to let everyone know that it's a joke and it's kinda like mocking people that actually say things similar to that, I'm sorry for explaining the joke too much this probably makes it look even worse than it is 😭😭) And I get highly defensive, and then I think that everyone thinks that I'm a predator like I just did with that little rant explaining a stupid joke, even now It's still hard because I never want people to misunderstand me, I always try to clarify what I say and make sure I can't possibly be misunderstood, probably to an obsessive extent which is why there's an O in POCD lol It WILL get easier for me, and hopefully one day I won't feel like I'm on trial all the time because of my own brain, I will admit though, it was hard admitting this on a public platform, but I have to remember that people are more understanding than I give them credit for, if I saw a post like this then I'd understand, so I'm sure other people will too, and if they don't? I can always obsessively explain everything I said in detail!!

I need someone to talk to i feel like i’m the worst person in the world cause i did something terrible when i was 18, i hurt someone i love cause i was stupid and selfish and i felt scared and so sad… i don’t know if i’m a horrible person but i would never do that again

It's been 9 months that I've been ruminating on this memory. I really need some help figuring this one out... it's more so about did I do something wrong and I am losing sleep over something I did... I'm sure we all know with Pure O and "me time" (if you get my hint) there comes a lot of shame. About 9 months ago I had some "me time" in the morning before getting up to start off my day with my sister who I live with. I was fantasizing about a fictional character as I'm sure others do (it's pretty common) and after I was done I panicked because I didn't want my sister to know or even suspect that I was having some "me time" . Before I even walk out of my room to greet her I try to calm myself down both from the anxiety of her finding out and the "high" I guess you could say. I went to use the bathroom to wash my hands and to continue to try calming down. At this point, I feel like I might've started to have a silent anxiety attack but I'm not sure because I couldn't concentrate all that well on what my sister was talking to me about while making breakfast and my fear is that I was still sort of in a daze after the "me time" and between the anxiety about her even finding out what I was doing, I don't know if this whole morning was a really just an anxiety attack or if i am a pervert or if my OCD brain is trying to just ruminate on it to confuse me. Please I need some input. It's getting to the point where I am losing sleep.

Hi! i don’t really know how to start this off or how to explain my ocd so i’ll just start from what comes off the top of my head lol. So strangely, i think i shown signs of it in my early age, i would often like odd numbers, groups of 3, 5, so on. some numbers were okay but when picking flowers it had to be 3 lol. When i was about 10-11 i used to have extreme anxiety, it was so dumb and caused by my tablet not working. The charger port was messed up and i was terrified of not having this tablet, or being able to do whatever i did on there lol. Before i had said tablet my tv stopped working one night while my mom worked night shifts, the sound went off and i was in full panic. I really can’t name why, maybe i just needed the background noise ? I dunno. I remember calling her on the house phone then having so much relief when it went back to normal. I used to get such bad anxiety my stomach would hurt insanely bad i’d have to sit in the bathtub with water for HOURS. I think my ocd had gotten better.. but i used to be very specific, before bed, i had to make sure my bed looked made at all times (before leaving, before sleeping, while on it sometimes lol) And id often pull on my comforter at least 35 times till it felt right, and restart when it didn’t. And i would often pull on both sides of the shower curtain before leaving, to make sure it was “fully closed”. My pillows were often cornered and i always fix the pillow case and pull on it till my arm would go numb and id force myself to stop. But then.. id have to restart. Because i messed it up lol. I used to have the old iphone 6, and after clearing out all my notifications i’d have to clear all open tabs and click on the home button, while switching to different pages of my home screen in a very specific order. It was mentally exhausting honestly. Especially for a 12-14 yearold girl. I think it’s a hell of a lot more toned down now, but still definitely there. I have to fix my bed before leaving, i always get my dog a treat after leaving (not really ocd) but i do have to screw on her cap to her treats over and over. It’ll be on there but i’ll keep pushing it lol. (Which often f*cks me over when i need a jar of pickles or some type of condiment that’s in a jar lol.) I still clear out all my notifications but mainly before i do something i’m “excited or looking forward to” to do on my phone. like playing a game, making a tik tok, even just normal stuff like checking the status of where a package is at. I’ll often play games on my ps4 and before i do, i have to go on each sides of my hair and use my pointer finger to remove the hair between my glasses and my ear if that makes sense lol. Back and fourth over and over. There’s certain things that i don’t have a pattern to, that i just do till they feel right and they take forever to feel right. I’ll often do it before eating food as well, and if i don’t i have this annoying feeling like i can feel my hair there, or almost just an annoying feeling like a scratch you can’t itch. I think a part of it is like “rewarding” myself maybe? i’ve heard of that or even just kind of “preparing everything” like everything feels nicer when it’s clean, it’s nicer to sit down and do my makeup, or play a game when my bed and surroundings are clean lol.

Hi, I’ve never shared on here before so please forgive me if this is too much or is upsetting. I’m currently struggling and don’t know what to do/need to vent. Since I was a kid, I can remember asking my mom things like “if I touch this and then touch my mouth, will I get sick?” Or the same question but with “will I die?” at the end. I’ve been afraid of illness, especially stomach illnesses for pretty much my whole life. I’ve gotten very sick in the past after not properly washing my hands and then eating, and it has scared me ever since. Now I’m 25 and constantly wash my hands and use hand sanitizer. If I’m at home I’ll wash my hands in the bathroom, then wash my hands in the kitchen, and then use hand sanitizer. This cycle is driving me insane, but if I don’t do it I’ll have panic attacks, convinced that I’ll get sick. Today, when I was getting up to get ready for work I opened my trash can and saw maggots. I’m home alone right now and had to do all the clean up myself. I’m very afraid of getting sick from this, and called my boyfriend sobbing because of how gross the situation was, and because I was so afraid. He assured me that this happens when flies get in the house in the summer time, but I still can’t get past it. I’m so stressed out about cleaning the entire house. I’ve already showered once and washed my hair, but can’t bring myself to eat or drink because I’m afraid something bad will happen. I’ve been dealing with health anxiety for almost 20 years, and the fact that I spend almost every second of every day worrying about getting sick or dying is a painful reality. I have a difficult time being social, going to work, and being intimate. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel completely hopeless and trapped in my mind. Has anyone dealt with this before? I really need to get help, but I don’t have health insurance right now and am trying to avoid going to the hospital (even though I think I might need to).

I used to be such an angsty teen when I was about 14-17. I love my parents with all my heart but back then when they would irritate me in the slightest, or if i’d get into any argument with them at all, or I didn’t agree with a belief, I’d immediately go to my online friends and start complaining and talking so much trash about my mother or father. Sometimes I’d exaggerate, to gain sympathy. Looking back now, I feel so TERRIBLE for saying these things, I was acting as if I was abused or something even though I wasn’t. My parents treat me phenomenally and my relationship with them grew so much as I got older (im almost 20). The guilt is now eating me up alive, I feel like a bad person and I feel like I don’t deserve their unconditional love and support. It feels like im a traitor to this amazing relationship I have with them, and always at the back of my head I think that if I told them I talked this much bad behind their backs, then they’ll never look at me the same again. At this age I can’t ever imagine doing that same thing again, even thinking about hurting them or betraying them makes me tear up and I FEEL SO BAD. Please help me. Im a terrible daughter. Also, theres this constant feeling to confess otherwise the feeling wont go away, but I don’t want to because it would be so hard and I can’t even fathom how on earth i’d bring this up to them considering i’ve been extremely good to them for the past years. I rather them not know and I want to move on, but the feeling of being a two sided b*tch still lingers. :( I would literally die for them.

i dont ask for reassurance all the time but omg i just remembered when i had this thought(intentional) about what if the guy that confessed that he liked me worked out, we were in 3rd grade that time and i remembrr having the thought that he was handsome or sumshit or like i admire him and like his personality. i dont really remember when i had this thought but it feels recent (probably thid year) mind you, im 17 now and i know deep down that there was never an intention of me reminiscing because he was a kid, infact it didnt even cross my mind that he was (in my imagination) but now that i realized it i feel so guilty because why am i thinking about something that happend when i was a kid. i feel really disgusted pls answer me.

If I was 13 years old, and I made a severely horrible childhood POCD mistake that I was told about earlier in the day, but had forgotten about it because I had never heard of that mistake or done it before, should I be punished for it as a 23 year old?Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 22... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that she doesnt remember it, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭  It’s making me feel like I know I’m a P or a chomo when I don't ever want to ever be those things… I perform avoidance compulsions all the time and I don’t want to be anywhere around kids… even accidentally standing next to one makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious… it’s making me feel like that I know I’m what my POCD and real events OCD are telling me even when a former ocd psychiatrist has told me that the real events don’t make me a P or a chomo… In addition it’s making me feel like I’m what my ocd tells me that I am… I didn’t know how horrible the real events were at the time when I was 13… I really didn’t… my POCD and real events OCD keeps calling me a P and a Chomo for what happened when I was 13 when I didn’t know what any of that stuff was… I truly didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t…  It’s making me think I am a rapist because of the real events too… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child rpist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭

Hi everyone! Unfortunately, I am an individual who loves cooking but also suffers from contamination OCD. This really impacts the enjoyment I get from cooking and has recently been stopping me from cooking all together. Any tips or similar experience appreciated (:

Hey y’all! I am asking for some support for a rough time with my OCD. I’m a straight woman who has SOOCD about being attracted to women as well as hints of ROCD and previous themes of the environment and religion. SO OCD has been kicking my ass on and off for over 2 years and I’ve seen 2 different therapists for treatment. With my current therapist we are doing I-CBT which has helped in some ways but not in others. I had an incredibly bad flare up thinking about some 🌽 I watched as a kid and it made me spiral thinking I could have a fetish that made me feel so awful gross and scared. I spent about 2 straight hours scrolling through forums trying to get an answer before feeling relief. I can’t see my therapist until next Friday and decided to make a list of my triggers, obsessions and compulsions to bring to her so we can talk about it and hopefully find a structured way to confront my fears. I’m currently ok right now but am nervous about when my next spiral is going to be and to go to sleep because I frequently have dreams relating to my triggers and it stresses me out so much :( This illness has stolen so much from me and feels like it borderline ruins many components of my life. I feel like I have « lost » my attraction to men becuase im so anxious all the time and im nervous to have sex with my bf (im a virgin) becuase of what ill think about or how ill react to certain thoughts. It doesn’t make any sense because I have so intensely wanted to have sex and be sexual with men in the past and that has always been my normal. It is destroying me. I’m sure people can relate but does anyone have advice on what I can do in the meantime until I can see my therapist? What I can do if I have an intrusive thought and want to engage in a compulsion? Thank you for any and all advice :))

lately there’s just so much I think of when I’m at work. that I’m not good enough, I’m alone & separated from the rest of the staff, under appreciated, etc. I have a leadership role that’s a different branch from the rest of the other leaders & I feel alone in this. they get along fine because they are in a different branch of my job. The one I’m in is separate and doesn’t really need much attention compared to the main branches. I feel like I’m complaining and just need to suck it up. I have been already. I want to leave this job. many factors I can say I guess. first, my pay is slightly lower than a regular employee in the main branches (front of house mainly). then my pay after that fluctuates based on tips & if I get tips. I don’t want to wonder if I made less or more based on tips. (I’m not a server, I’m a delivery driver) I took the position as a leader bc I was promoted and it seemed cool at first but now I’m at my limit. it feels like that one extracurricular at school that barely gets funding and the school focuses on other ‘important’ parts. we have been told that delivery hours will increase (by 30 minutes) and that we need to be flexible to save delivery because business isn’t doing well in the branch. I get it’s summer and there’s not much flow but classes are beginning again and business will rise. we will need people. I am tired. many examples I can throw in but can’t seem to remember. we are short staffed and because I’m a leader, I feel like I have to be there & cover people to help the business. I don’t care for this fucking company. I first joined because I needed money. I took it & now I’m almost three years in. I heard it’s hard to find new jobs. so that’s why I haven’t looked/applied bc what if I don’t find one right now? I know it’s for business & marketing, but I had being associated with the company. hear me out. what I mean is that when people see the car’s design, they know it’s my company & they are like “omg!!” or sometimes say “where’s my food?” yk & I just gotta mask & go with whatever the fuck they’re saying. they only know me as the “[company name] delivery driver” I don’t want to be known as that. I want to make a name for myself. I want people to know ME. what I’m capable off. not a delivery driver at a disposable job. anyway, this past week I had no days off. (except sundays bc that’s when the whole place is closed). reasonable I guess because one person was hurt the day I came in and I said I could cover for them the next day so I don’t think I can complain. but there’s literally no one else who would’ve gone to take care of that shift. if I hadn’t stepped in, my supervisor would tell me to come in. he would ask, but you know with the pressure of being asked to come in. and I don’t want a bad look to me so I just did it. but I also care for the coworker and didn’t want her to worry about her shift, so I feel like I may be acting selfish right now. now I’m getting asked by another coworker if I can take his shift on friday (the only day I’m off). if I do, it would be the second week in a row that I work without a day off (except sundays). I feel like I can’t complain or be upset because I have at least Sunday to take off. but sundays are like cleaning/lazy days for me. (not really cleaning because I can never really get myself to) and then somehow false promises from work??? we are now required to use these ID cards to track our driving skills to see if we’re doing good. and that we would get incentives every quarter of the year if we’re doing good. the reason I’m saying false promises is because an ex-coworker, before he quit, said that one of the reasons he decided to leave was because apparently the incentives were never a thing according to a manager he asked. I will need to ask my supervisor about this because if it’s true, I won’t stand by it. there’s no way u can tell us this & then remove it. also, I’m tired of carrying this branch. I don’t care for the company really. my coworkers are cool people though. I have no beef with anybody. it’s a nice environment but I hate having to stay over my shift and come on days I’m off. not having enough people is not my job. I’m not the employer. all of this I’m dealing with a basic ass teen job. maybe it I actually had my shit together & knew what I wanted to do as a career, I wouldn’t be in this mess. but no, I had to engage in gambling, poor financial decisions and now dealing with two kittens. I love them though and can’t imagine giving them away. I’m just going through a rough patch. I keep telling myself that it’s temporary bc at times I get suicidal thoughts, either bc I want to end it or I feel like I need to & don’t want to. these come up randomly depending on how I’m feeling at the moment. then I have random spurts of “wanting to live a fulfilling life” & it goes back to square one again lol. it’s too much to put on here and I already wrote a lot so I’m sorry for the long post. I’m just trying to get by my day, every day. I told myself at work that what matters at the moment is that I’m here. I’m still here breathing. but it just sucks. everything sucks. well, not everything, but majority of the time it does. I am tired. I wanna stop working here!!!! but I have to complete my 3 years so it looks good on my resume. I am done with this company. it’s a good one, but I am NOT spending my precious time in the food industry anymore. it’s just fast food. I don’t care for it anymore. I just need the money. I’d rather spend my time and actually do some overtime on something I’m passionate about. not some fast food chain. end of rant.

Hi yall just wanted to get more information as I’ve always wrote it off as something else before but I always figured you have to be in a relationship to know if you have rocd and if I think about my two brief relationships in the past ( long ago) it kinda of jives with it but is it still rocd if you get extreme anxiety and are super picky and second guess your attraction to the person in the initial talking/dating phase? Like I want to pursue a relationship so I’ll get n apps and start the swiping get overwhelmed with doubt and anxiety over f I want this then I get over that hurdle and then let’s say I really was into a guys profile but now he messages me and my full on panic button is hit, I question everything, why did I even liek him is he even that cute ? Omg what if I’m doing this wrong what if I’m broken or secretly gay ( I know I have so-ocd) omg is this gonna change my life in a way that I can’t handle? I don’t wanna lose myself in another relationship, what if they think I’m fat ugly or a freak cause I can’t get through talking or meeting a new person without spiraling ? And honestly I’m not even fully aware of what goes through my head it’s just so instant and intense and overwhelming and in the past I would just panic and stop dating all together and the last several yrs it’s been a struggle for me not to completely abandon it. I do get frustrated with myself and beat myself up at my glacial progress I’ve gone on maybe 2 attempted dates ( one kept cancelling and one just didn’t show up ) I’ve gone one successful date where I was able to get through it and go and I felt so proud of myself but I don’t think I was really interested in the guy and just felt guilty so I told him I wasn’t interested. I’ve been in therapy for ocd and overcome my other subtypes this one is just hard af and I’m doing my work and my modules but it’s so exhausting. How do I get over not feeling safe exposing myself and being vulnerable with someone else even though it’s want I ultimately want ? Sigh p.s. I have a feeling a part of my extreme anxiety is my first bf assaulted me and then ditched me so I know that’s part of it but I’m also like but that was over ten yrs ago and the way I reacted was to just avoid dating all together! I felt like I couldn’t trust myself and now I know I can but I get overwhelmed with this feeling of worrying about being a fraud and leading someone on if I can’t go all into it or my anxiety gets in the way and I’m wishywashy and battling myself so I need to go slow but ugh I’m so frustrated !!! Does anyone who struggles with this have advice/tools they use to get through it? Thank you in advance

My ocd has progressively gotten worse throughout my life. When I was about 10 years old I started to have these intrusive thoughts that would tell me I was awkward and embarrassing to be around so I would ruminate about every social interaction I had and hyperfixate on how other people reacted to me that would give proof for the intrusive thoughts that I was these things. So I started to isolate myself in my room for most of my life and dissociate because of how strong these thoughts are and the unimaginable shame they make me feel until I developed harm ocd. I'm 18 now and I dissociate every time I go outside because I feel like people are staring at me or want to hurt me in some way. I still feel like people think I'm awkward or retarded (hate using that word but that's how the intrusive thoughts make me feel) Does anyone else experience this or know what might help me get through it? It would help to know I'm not alone at least. Thank you for reading ❤️

I’ve been dealing with this harm theme for almost four months now, and well obviously life hasn’t been the best for me, the thoughts really circulate on hurting others, why couldn’t they just been about me instead? (I apologize to those currently suffering from self harm ocd) it’s gotten to the point where I don’t know if my thoughts are really intrusive now, and it doesn’t help that I get urges to act on these thoughts. Why have I been cursed with such vile thoughts why me why now. The only good news so far is that I’m finally going to see if this is ocd or not and get diagnosed by a psychiatrist once I start college here in a few weeks(Thank gatos for my college has mental health resources) but honestly it just doesn’t really feel like ocd. I don’t know if I feel anxiety because it’s not the typical anxiety I feel. While my compulsions are mental it’s just wierd. Like I’m worried that ERP wouldn’t work for me. Sometimes I get thoughts like, how do people live without these thoughts? And how do they occupy their time? I know I used to be like other people, yk where I wasn’t worried or concerned because of these thoughts, like yeah I’ve had intrusive thoughts before in the past and they absolutely scared me, but I was just able to get over them. So why now does it feel like i can’t shake them off? Why do they have to show up everyday? And why have I become so apathetic? Like my empathy and sympathy feel like they’ve disappeared? And it’s so bad that sometimes I feel like if someone close to me just passed away I would feel nothing. Like when I heard my abuelo had skin cancer I just felt nothing and I was obsessing over the fact that I didn’t. Has anyone ever felt this way? Is it just ocd or something worse?

My journey with contamination ocd started when I was 16, I wouldn’t leave the house in fear of getting sick, I wouldn’t go near my mother, I wouldn’t even pet my cat in fear of getting sick. I sabotaged all of my friendships, stopped going to school, I even avoided eating because of my health anxiety. It took over my life, it turned it ups down and ruined everything in my life that I had any control over. But that’s the secret on how to cure your ocd. Let it talk. Let your ocd talk and accept it as apart of you. You are not disgusting for thinking these things, you are not evil. It can not hurt you, it is not true what it says to you or about you, your ocd is not you, it is an annoying coworker that nags you and punishes you. Let it talk. And just accept it instead of demonizing it. When you accept your ocd you will see it for what it really is, it’s not a demon, it’s not evil or cruel. It is hurt and wants to be listened to, and when you start listening to it that’s when your ocd stops attacking you and tells you what it really needs. It needs you to accept yourself for who you are. Let it be. Let yourself be. You are the universe in a body, you are kindness and beauty. OCD is all of that too. All you have to do is accept yourself and stop fighting yourself for being scared. Acceptance disempowers fear. You. Are. Capable. Now I am 18 years old. I got myself back into school, I have a boyfriend who treats me very well, and I got help for my ED. I did the work. I listened to my ocd. I loved her, I listened to her, and I accepted her, and I realized she is just scared. She just wanted to go home. One more time :) Just keep going one more time no matter how many one more times it takes just keep going. One more second One more minute One more day One more month One more year One more lifetime Keep going. One more time ; It only gets better from here :)

Yesterday me and my bf were gaming and he had a glitch in the game and raged at it because he died because of the glitch which was out of his control and I ended up being startled and left the call on impulse. My ocd always expects an answer in my favour and when an answer is not what my Ocd expects it goes WILD. My ocd expected “I’m so sorry I made you startled my love it will never happen again ” after I told him why I left the call, but he gave me a completely different answer to the positive reassuring answer it wanted. He said we both overreacted and it’s not a big deal he was just letting out some anger because he couldn’t fix a glitch that caused him to lose the game we were playing while mine was working normally. He wasn’t mad at anyone, just the game because he died from a reason he couldn’t control. He couldn’t understand why I reacted the way I did so he couldn’t exactly feel sad about it, just confused. I think my ocd has reacted so badly to this situation because I am used to asking more questions after the initial response my ocd didn’t like, so I can get a positive answer to balance it out and be reassured, but it reacted badly because my bf stood his ground and said he needs to stop reassuring me/babying me in some situations because it’s just catering towards my OCD and I need a positive answer constantly and I somewhat agree because I see how my ocd trying to twist it to be positive is reassurance seeking. It can’t cope with an answer it doesn’t want to hear. If there is an answer that my ocd hates, it paints my boyfriend out to be a bad person like in this situation, a “narcissist with no empathy” ,when actually he admits/realises when he is wrong, he was just standing his ground with an answer and not catering to my ocd being like “awwww it’s okay I’m sorry” and he decided to be honest this time that he was extremely confused with how I reacted in that situation so he couldn’t feel anything. He said he would have possibly reacted differently if I hadn’t of left the call which confused him/stressed him a little and I could of have just said “I need a few minutes” and muted to calm down. He also might of reacted differently if he heard how I was on call if I didn’t leave. I have realised maybe it’s me being sort of toxic with the way I think and I need to get out of this thing where I hear an answer I don’t like and then ask questions until it changes to be reassured. Is it better to learn to sit with the uncomfortableness/ uncertainty of having a negative answer and not getting out of it by trying to “cancel it out” with a positive answer? Do I need to fight my OCD back when it’s being like “oh my god he’s so horrible we didn’t get the answer we wanted to hear! Let’s ask questions until it changes to something we want to hear!” Does anyone else have where their ocd goes wild because you expect a certain answer always and you don’t get it and it’s distressing and you feel like you need to find a positive to make it stop?