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Some notes I thought worth sharing as I've delved into my OCD patterns with my therapist (and myself via journaling). Perhaps like others here, I oftentimes view my thoughts, ruminations, and OCD behaviors as simply pathologies. They just exist, I don't know WHY they exist, and they're simply "part of the condition." There may be value to this line of thinking, but I am also gradually understanding that my OCD patterns developed in response to specific traumatic life events. For example, I am a former binge-drinking alcoholic. In 2023, I had my first ever panic attack while driving while I was severely hungover. I thought I was dying of alcohol poisoning. One terrifying ambulance and hospital trip later, I was mired with horrible shame and an utterly terrifying fear of alcohol. My brain had learned that alcohol -> panic attack -> shame -> I'm a terrible person and I've failed. This is a big part of where my health anxiety stems from I've learned. I want to control what goes into my body to ensure I'm maximally healthy so I never panic again. Moreover, my brain learned to demonize alcohol and shame me HORRIBLY for ever indulging in it again. Drinking alcohol -> I'm a terrible person. Both these things in conjunction began a patter of OCD behaviors trying to perfectly optimize my food and drink intake while also feeling deeply afraid and ashamed for still wanting to eat junk food and drink booze. Point is, there is a root to this OCD. My ruminations and checking are not just "parts of a disease" they are an effort to assure I never have a panic attack again, and avoid behaviors that lead to feel intense shame (drinking booze). Similar thing happened recently after a traumatic relationship. She and I loved each other dearly, but I was constantly crippled by feelings of anxiety and feeling "less than" her. This again culminated in INTENSE shame, fear and anger directed at her (which fueled the shame cycle), ruminations to always "solve" my anxiety and be the "perfect" boyfriend who always made her happy and solved all her issues. Even after this relationship, I have ROCD behaviors and ruminations about family members and friends sometimes. My brain DESPERATELY wants to know that I'm "enough" and to avoid all behaviors it irrationally views as "shameful." Queue feelings of fear towards social interactions, which then reinforces the shame for wanting to avoid anxiety inducing social interactions. My point again is, these don't seem like meaningless compulsions and behaviors. They may (or may not) stem from genetic factors, chemical imbalances, etc. Who knows. But my OCD behaviors have pretty clear beginnings and they are PROTECTIVE measures that my brain learned to keep me safe from health concerns and fear. They aren't simply useless things my brain does on repeat. My brain is smarter than that and so is yours. They don't do things for utterly no reason. I am not a therapist and please do not take any of this as more than food for thought. You may also find that there is a deeper reason behind your behavior than you think. Happy Holidays, everyone here is "enough" just as you are and I feel your struggles. I hope you all can find some peace :) I need some peace and love too.

can somebody help me I’m currently having a panic attack I feel like such a bad person because while I was in a talking stage with my now current boyfriend I thought it was OK to leave my options open and kinda get to know other people and before I really got to lock in with my now current boyfriend I thought that all I would be good for was Situationships and friends with benefits and I didn’t really treat our early talking stage as really serious and I got really distant with him because I was scared that he would want a relationship out of me at that time, and it made me scared because whenever I got into a relationship in the past, I got this on waving feeling of guilt that I could never shake off until I broke up with that person so I just distance myself from him in the early stage because I was too scared and then when I decided I wanted to lock in with talking staging with him, I cut off all types with all the other people even though I kinda wasn’t really talking to other people at that point it was just him I don’t feel like I really don’t deserve him because the way I acted before I locked in with him and I got in a relationship with him. He is the first person that I’ve been in a relationship with that I never got the feeling of guilt like I did with my past ones and I don’t wanna mess it up. I know this is all sounding really erratic. I just wanna get my thoughts down and it’s hard to sound consistent when you’re having a panic attack, but I just need help. I know what I did was wrong and I shouldn’t have had my options open while I was talking with him because it’s a really shitty thing to do to talk to multiple people and then decided to lock him with one of them leave the other one behind. I don’t deserve him at all. Can somebody please give me their insight.

I hate to be negative Nancy, but I would love to know if anyone else has felt this. When starting therapy, I was so eager to get right into it. Lately, I find myself spiraling out about how it’s too much and I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. I worry that I haven’t made the right choice in approaching this and dealing with it rather than just putting it off. I’m not quitting and I remain transparent with my therapist but I have these bouts randomly. If you have any encouragement or words of wisdom, please share. ❤️

I need to rant to people who might actually understand. I am really freaking out. My boyfriend and I are long distance, and have been for most of our 1 1/2 year relationship. Every visit we’ve had so far I’ve felt has reassured me and made me feel more connected to him… except this last one. I gelt disconnected from him the whole trip, felt like he was distant or frustrated or something 90% of the time, and anytime we talked about it he got frustrated because he didn’t know what I was talking about, which ended up reenforcing my fear that he was frustrated with me. It was a very bad emotional trip for me, although he has told me he disagrees, and I am terrified for what it means for the future of our relationship. I was hoping to be able to have a normal conversation with him tonight on our nightly phone call and maybe push some of those feelings aside but something has come up to where he can’t call me at all and he’s in a bad mood. I know *logically* I’ve done nothing wrong and he is frustrated by something happening in his own life but I am CONVINCED I did something to upset him and I am trying really hard to not pester him with “are you sure you aren’t mad at ME” texts for fear of upsetting him more, and causing more of a rift that may or may not be there. Any time I try and talk to someone in my life about this cycle they tell me to talk to him but I think that’s the issue, he doesn’t understand anxiety or OCD and talking to him doesn’t ever seem to do anything good. It either makes him feel bad or me feel worse. At this point I think my only option is to cry and panic alone because at least it’s not a compulsion or affecting someone else’s life

I have never had a boyfriend and I feel like everyone thinks I’m not straight because I’m 22 and never had a boyfriend. Like not even close to a relationship at all. I have had people ask me if I was gay, which has been very triggering. It really bothers me. I want a boyfriend but then my ocd makes me questions that. Also I don’t just want anyone, I want someone for me. Maybe they are right tho 😔

I asked this guy to go watch Christmas lights with me and my family (sister and mom only) he agreed and we were supposed to go Saturday…he canceled, it’s fine ig and blamed it on his mom. I asked if he was busy Tuesday or Monday thinking he was telling the truth. Monday comes and out of no where I get a text, it’s from him and apparently he doesn’t want to go see Christmas lights and asks to do something else. I said of course and we agreed to go see a movie Tuesday. Then he basically asks if his friend and mine can come along as a double date. Mind you we have never gone out alone… Tuesday comes and I literally wait all day for him to text me about it ask me if we’re still going, anything. Nothing ever comes, I get one measly snap. Snap him back and get no response as his snap score goes up by 5. You may wonder why I don’t just text him first if I’m so worried about it, well I do that every single time and I’m so tired of it. I get so mad because I like him so so much, in the past week I’ve been asked out by two guys and rejected them for this 4 month long talking stage. He looks like Jeff Buckley, is smart, funny, loyal, kind, etc. but absolutely horrible at communicating. I’m young and don’t know how to get through to him, it takes time that I quite frankly do not have. All while saying that I keep putting effort and time into this nonexistent relationship because I am so obsessed, he’s never been in a romantic relationship or talking stage before me and only talks to his friends. I full heartedly believe that if he truly likes me then we will work out.

In a span of less than a flipping week, I've gone from crying because I didn't want to leave my boyfriend to go on my 2-week trip abroad to see family to feeling nothing for him at all and feeling the need to break up. I cannot feel anything. I feel numb on the inside, but function okay on the surface. I feel numb to nearly everything with a few moments of emotional clarity during which I do appreciate him and enjoy my time. But most of the time it feels like I don't feel anything for him, feels like I don't want to talk to him, feels like we've grown apart (we were literally sleeping in the same bed for the first time ever last week??). I've been crying to him on our nightly calls for a while now, but since this trip started it's been mostly me complaining about this issue and crying my eyes out. He just wants to help me out in some way, but I've even been getting frustrated with him because he sounds so nonchalant about it (he isn't, I'm just really annoyed by anything small lately). I'm trying to summon things that should make me anxious, such as thinking about what it would be like if I broke up with him, but it won't elicit any response other than crying out of frustration. I can't even think of past happy memories or imagine our future, because my brain is so fried from all the anxiety and stress I've felt the past couple months. I'm just so emotionally numb and exhausted, it doesn't feel like I'm living my life. When I'm not feeling like we need to break up, I feel like I need to be in his arms. It's just going from one extreme to the other. I hate this so much. I know there are techniques to help with this (hell I even recommended some to someone else on here suffering from this). But I'm just afraid I don't know the truth about my feelings, despite me literally not feeling ANYTHING remotely deep. It also doesn't help that I've been PMSing and starting my menstrual phase like tomorrow. It's always so much worse around this time.

I am really struggling right now and I am hoping someone can answer my last post. It is about consent. I am worried I am a criminal or a really bad person.

Hi everyone. So tomorrow is my birthday. Unfortunately, I’m not the biggest fan of my birthday but would love some advice on how to go about it! I’ve been okay over the last few months and am nervous about everyone expecting me to feel happy and excited tomorrow. This pressure sort of ruins it for me because it’s unauthentic and I’m in my head about their expectations instead of enjoying the moment. I always want to have the perfect day or everything go right but I’ve started to avoid planning anything because my mood can be pretty unpredictable. For example, I really want to wear this all black outfit tomorrow but I may get to tomorrow and no longer be in the mood to wear it. This is so annoying but it happens. I never really hear other people share similar frustrations about things like this. It’s what I wanted but then I put it on and it doesn’t feel right or I don’t look how I want to look in that moment anymore. It’s incredibly frustrating. I could have an endless amount of questions over what I want to wear, how I feel when I’m wearing it, if I appear to others the way I want to be appearing to them, etc. It’s like I want to be wearing the perfect outfit but I still could be and I could look the mirror and feel wrong about it. Anyway, I just want to have a good day tomorrow. I’m sad because I don’t have anything planned. However, I find spontaneous moments the most enjoyable. I’m sort of stuck. I’m sorry this isn’t super ocd related but I know I’m overthinking it so much. I feel like from the moment I wake up, I’m going to be thinking about how others are thinking about me. I could find something wrong with every outcome of what could happen tomorrow. Lately, I’ve just been more sad, anxious, quiet, and slow. I’m already exhausted by the idea of getting all these sweet texts and calls from people while I might not be feeling my best. Ironically, messages like this make me feel more alone because of how superficial the interactions feel while I’m silently just wanting comfort and peace in all the chaos and overwhelm I’m feeling. There’s little I hate more than masking and pretending and it’s the last thing I want to do on my birthday. I’d honestly appreciate any thoughts or ideas. Thanks for patience in reading all this. Thanks guy. Happy holidays 🫶🏼🫶🏼

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been on this app and I just wanted to give an update! I’ve been experiencing OCD for roughly 2 years and it’s been a revolving door of obsessions. I had been to therapy once and it seemed to help for a few months until October of this year when I had one of the worst breakdowns of my life stemming from one of the worst thoughts/urges I had ever had. I couldn’t eat, sleep or focus for almost an entire month and it was unbearable! Since mid-November, I’ve been going to one on one therapy and I’m currently on Lexapro (the lowest dosage available). At first, I had increased anxiety and it was very hard for me to function. I can say now that my body is starting to make the turn! I’m eating & sleeping very well now but the only thing that’s getting me is that I’m still having those lingering thoughts! One thing that has kept me ground is remembering that the thoughts & urges I’m having will pass and they don’t last. I’m in a way better position than I was months ago. Stay strong!! (Question: who else experiences unwanted thoughts but doesn’t feel anxiety about the thought? What do you do in that instance?)

Having one of those incredibly intense anxiety days where that voice in my head just wants to give up. I need to work, and have a busy day tomorrow. Just need a little encouragement as I am on the verge of tears. I know it’s just anxiety and thoughts, but man is it hard to manage on these days.

18 up With an ex of mine, we tried something new that was a bit much for him meaning it tickled a lot and he did show like resistance but it was like a playful resistance and a dom + sub type of vibe with me holding him and I continued and we were both laughing but eventually I noticed like he’s not gonna be comfortable in the long run like it wouldn’t have been fun FOR HIM so I just stopped. I did ask like in the beginning and throughout like are u sure like we don’t have to and he said just do it (kinda like bracing for impact or smthng lmao) and like after we did it I asked if he wanted to like did he feel pressured and he said he felt a bit pressured bc he knew I wanted to do it but like it tickled a lot and he didn’t want to upset me. It only upset me that he didn’t just say no at first instead of pushing through but im worried I actually pressured him or if he just felt pressured to perform

What's the best way to gradually move my sleep schedule to an earlier time until I get it to a point where I sleep in fairly early and wake up early to see the sun? I don't like sleeping at 4 or 5 in the morning. I also have sleep anxiety whenever I lose confidence in my ability to sleep. What should I do? Anyone?

Hi everyone! I’m new to NOCD and OCD as a whole. I started therapy with NOCD this week. As of 3 weeks ago, I learned that most of what I’ve been struggling with the last year (possibly longer to a lesser degree) has been OCD. I have a question about how you all experience OCD and if there can even be varying experiences. Since February, I’ve been experiencing what I’ve called “episodes.” (I learned recently that OCD actually has another term for it, called flare-ups.) Basically, I’ve been having these episodes of intense physical sensations, extreme looping thoughts, and just feeling/thinking things that I normally do not. My episodes have been based on one or more themes (sensorimotor, health/mental health, harm, to name a few.) They’ve been so severe that I can’t work when I’m in them. They’ve lasted from a week to about a month or two. My last one was 3 weeks ago and that’s what made me join NOCD. Since learning that what I’ve been experiencing is OCD, I actually have felt a lot of relief just knowing there’s a name for it. I haven’t had an episode since learning about it. I know it’s still only been 3 weeks since my last one, but feeling this type of relief has me a bit leery. Maybe I am not that educated in it yet, but is it normal for OCD to come and go or is it something you experience 24/7? What do you work on with your therapists when you’re not actively in an episode?

Considering not posting because looking at my feed and it looks like a lot of people are struggling right now. My mind is telling me that I caused this because when I first got onto the app a month or two ago my feed was a lot of wins and overcoming, then I posted about struggle a few times and now it’s all struggle. And sure, maybe I did do that. And maybe I didn’t. regardless, what I’m ACTUALLY coming here for is a question and maybe seeking a little support/knowledge (if anyone has it in them—maybe it’s the holidays too? I know they can be so hard for many.) Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes I have these thoughts that absolutely fill me with horror and dread. It’s usually about something that is a big fear of mine, and I’ll have a thought or cluster of thoughts and then something in me will shift from “what if” to “this is definitely real and imminent.” I think I know the answer, but is that OCD? Because often times the what ifs can be easy to ignore, because I don’t know, but then my mind comes up with all of this “evidence” followed by a gut or bodily sensation, and that combo tells me the I’m basically (correctly) predicting the future. What happened tonight was a new level of worrying about my brother and his family. I worry about my brother having ptsd and the ‘what if’ he doesn’t treat it or what if it gets worse and we “lose him” (psychologically) and then how that will affect me and his family and our family and then I decide I need to go into a career in therapy so I can handle it or prevent it even, and since I’m directionless and careerless now anyway and interested in that as a career and he does genuinely have PTSD, why not do this? So I guess…why not do this? Is it wrong to make a decision like this? Is this ocd, and if it is, what’s the nuance where ocd and real logic and common sense overlap? I realize this is something I should bring to my therapist, and I will, but this community has been really helpful in just providing comfort and support through shared experience. And now…I just realized this is post is probably a compulsion, what I’m doing right now. The dread and horror felt so bad that I came here because it absolutely does make me feel better and sitting with it felt unbearable. And now posting feels wrong, because I do feel better lol But I still want the advice and, now, maybe an objective view on if it seems like I’m currently posting an ocd cycle in real time. This is hard.

I'm in the middle of exams rn and my ocd get worse. Usually when I'm in this kind of triggering situation i am able to rake a step back and take some time relaxing, but well now i only have time for studying and i shoud stay this way for a week at least, but ocd is making it much more difficult. It forces me to reread things over and over and convinces me that i need to fix something about a particular text, but i don't get what, to the point of crying out of frustration because i can't move on to he next task until i fix this text and i'm not sure how to do so. If you have any tips for making it better, ideally in the moment, if it's breathing exercises that help you or something else, please tell.

18+ UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now and i dont want to lose her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it...

I want to beat ocd because I feel like ocd is stopping me from growing and making my life better and I over think to much and I just want to make my life better over all and not only do I over think I always try to be perfect by trying to cover up things while I still haven’t healed it so it’s kinda like there being a whole in a wall and you paint over it yea it looks better but its still the same and is still a problem. And I’m Christian just that I feel like I don’t pay attention to it enough and I’m scared something bad will happen to me if I don’t

Basically, I was going out with my friends one night in september. I was going to get another round of what I was drinking, but my friend asked for something I had never heard — Narragansett Lager. Already, I had no idea what it was and since I had to order it I was nervous about saying it right. I make my way to the bar and keep repeating the drink my friend told me in my head and tell myself ok if I don’t say Narragansett right I can always just say it’s a lager. The bartender comes up to me and I give him my order — Tecate and a tequila shot. Then I’m prepping myself to say my friend’s order and try and see if it’s on the menu in the bar table. However, I look down and it’s a different menu than the one at our table where I had tried to memorize. Now, I’m worrying because I have nothing to reference to in case I mess up or can point to. Then comes the unfortunate moment — I’m already nervous because I don’t have a reference. I say to the bartender, “Can I also get a nay-gar-sett” As soon as that left my mouth, in my head I went that cant be right cuz it sounded so SO wrong. Once I realized what I said I felt my face grew hot and I became even more flustered. The bartender looked a bit in disbelief and was slightly taken aback and leaned in closer to hear what I was saying and I think said “you want what?” I then went is that not what it is with a completely embarrassed look on my face and knowing i couldn’t repeat myself bc i feared he thought i said something else. I tried to mention that it was one of the lagers and went “uh uh it’s one of your lagers?” Also, I should mention I didn’t even pronounce lager right and kept going back and forth between law-ger and lay-ger. Then I try and look at the menu again to find it and I still couldn’t then out of the corner of my eye I spot another menu and grab it as quick as I can to find it. Finally, I found the menu that we had on our table and pointed to the one I meant to say and said the “NAY-RANG-AN-SET” and then the bartender kinda chuckles and goes “It’s actually pronounced Narragansett” (Repeated it back to me in the correct pronunciation). At this point, I’m so embarrassed because how could I have slipped up that bad and basically said a completely different, and not so great sounding word. After he corrected me, I literally put my hand to my head in disbelief and said, “Oh my god I’m so sorry.” Now this is where I get worried because I don’t remember if he said “It’s fine” or “It happens” or “No worries” but I also ask to get a shot of whiskey for my friend. He gives me all my drinks and says the total. i gave him all the money that was in my hand and ran back to my table as soon as he turned around to the register. Once I got back to my seat, I realized “Oh my god did it just sound like i said a horrible word” and then I turn to my friend and tell her what happens and she says the first part that I messed up out loud and we both go “Oh that does not sound good.” She tries to reassure me that you couldn’t have been the only one to have pronounced it like that, but in my head I’m just thinking how did I even come up to say it like that. And now Ive been spiraling about it ever since and i feel like a horrible person for even saying something that could remotely sound horrible and I don’t really know what to do when I’m in an anxious spiral like this and how to make it stop.

(EDIT: Just to clarify; i don’t currently have a therapist through NOCD, this was in person where I live.) Has anybody had a really bad therapist experience that made your OCD symptoms worse? I’m in the middle of a horrible flare up of ROCD, and my therapist who helped me find out I have OCD left last month. I had an appointment with my new one today, which I was looking forward to. I go to the appointment, and the first thing she tells me is, “you’ve been in therapy quite a long time… what exactly is it that you’re looking to happen?” and just something about her phrasing felt odd. She said, “I’m just unsure what to do with you, help me get a better understanding.” So I tell her I want help managing my OCD, and I very quickly open up about my ROCD because i was dying to externalize it. Very quickly I also start crying, she said she isn’t used to people crying in the first session, that ut usually happens after a couple. After explaining that I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend but I’m fixated on persistent intrusive thoughts, she gives me a funny look and says she’s never heard of ROCD before, that that sounds like anxiety or self sabotage. I told her that ROCD is categorized by constant rumination, googling genuine doubts vs anxiety, checking feelings, etc. She said, “Oh, so you always do that when relationships are ending?” Hearing the phrase relationship ending triggered me and really fed my OCD’s voice, because I don’t want this relationship to end. She then asks if I have any other things I focus on and I told her I have health OCD and explained to her the constant googling of symptoms. She said, “you’re a teacher, surely you know not everything you see on google is accurate. That seems like it’s making you more anxious.” I said that I know that but I can’t make myself stop when I get anxious. All in all it was just awful, and really made me question everything.