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i think it’s getting bad again. i’m going through the past and there was this beautiful teacher and her style was to die for and now i feel like that’s proof i was gay from a young age

What do you guys say to your OCD related thoughts as an exposure? I’ve been saying “maybe, maybe not” but it’s getting kind of repetitive.

Anyone had their NOCD therapist tell them they refuse to begin treatment with you until you have not smoked any marijuana for two weeks straight? Trying to figure out if this is even allowed/ethical. Also trying to decide if I want to spend this type of money on these sessions with a therapist so opinionated and closed-minded to plant medicine when I’ve actually found it therapeutic. She said she’s going to “send me an article.” I could send her 10 back, reporting the therapeutic benefits. This seems bizarre to me.

This may be reassurance but i feel like i just need someone to clear this up. I'm a 17m highschoolwr who is in a mixed friend group with females and males. You see I mostly hangout with 2 girls in our friend group because, well we have a lot in common and i feel like i can actually talk about my problems with them. And also because some of the guys in the group can't seem to ever be free. My mom thinks its suspicious that I'm "only hanging out with girls" and that "it gives off the wrong impression" when she said this i immediately panicked. She knows I've been dealing with OCD and HOCD but she really doesn't understand it and doesn't seem to want to. I've already had so many OCD thoughts surrounding my friends and who i should be with so this just added a shit ton more fuel. I told her I didn't fucking care what people think and i just want to enjoy my time with my friends. She said what i was doing was "inappropriate" it doesn't make sense, i don't feel attracted to men, and I'm actually really into one of the girls in the group. Sigh... Why is everyone so judgemental? Can I just live my fucking life? Stop assuming and just let people decide what they want.

I often see people saying that if I indulge in my compulsions and test myself, it'll make it worse. I guess I'm just wondering how it will make it worse? Do the symptoms get more believable?

I keep thinking in order to get better I have to “undo” what my mind has done. I’ve spent so much time ruminating and creating this fake story in my head. How can you turn it back? I mean I know they were just thoughts and there’s really nothing to “undo.” Anyone relate and have some insight?

Hi all, does anyone who suffers with SOOCD avoid watching programmes with attractive members of the same sex? It’s horrible because I’ll want to watch a programme, but if there’s an attractive man in it - I’ll avoid it. Whenever I see anyone attractive of the same sex I panic (heart flutters, breathlessness typically).

Was watching YouTuber house tours and I saw one girl that was really pretty that reminds me of my dad’s girlfriend and I had the thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a pretty wife.” I hate this. It feels real. Fml.

Guys I had ignored the thoughts for a day and it was wonderful. My mood was better than it used to be, the intrusive thoughts had minimized significantly ( for that day). But for some reason, I have anxiety but for no reason. I'm not even thinking about anything still I'm having the shaky feeling in my legs. Please help?!!! Is it normal?? Pls reply

captain America: the winter soldier is up now on tv, i was trying to avoid watching it but i love this movie too much to sacrifice it to ocd lmao. the thing is i used to melt each time chris evans was on screen, and now i don't feel as attracted to him anymore :(

each time i am fantasizing about guys my mind replaces it with girls to check, and so today i was like no stop and my lind goes "you know you're more comfortable with girls" and it felt almost true :( it's been hitting super real lately, as if i know i an gay in denial. added yhe fact that i was doing relatively better throughout this month until now around my period it got really bad, which makes it feel like it's not ocd :(

If this is not lesbian then why do I feel like my entire life would be doomed if I was?, does that mean it’s the OCD?

So I've been struggling with this need to check if my soocd thoughts are there or check if they're going to come . When one does come I've been checking afterwards to make sure it's gone I understand it's a compulsion. I've been practicing maybe they will come maybe they won't but I am looking for experience and suggestive actions I can take to move forward.

Need advice bad. OCD is obsessing over my hair pretty bad. I'm terrified to cut my hair short again. My fears are pretty dumb For instance - "You miss adventure in life because your hair is short" This is a dumb one. "You're disrespecting your religion by having short hair." I'm not asking for reassurance but I am asking for enelightment.

Hey I just joined, for over 6 months I've been trying to figure out if my subconscious was telling me something when I thought about "my love for certain genres of music being an illusion in a different way" or whether it was just a thought. I haven't been able to get any closure and I'm becoming more depressed. Can your subconscious tell you something like that? Because I've tried looking it up on Google and I haven't gotten a straight answer. I know I'm not dealing with this in a healthy way but I can't help myself. I'm always afraid that every thought I have is true.

My girlfriend and I got into an argument earlier and I oushed her (she moved maybe like an inch or two away) so it wasn't like a hard push and now I just feel like a bad person or an abuser. I love her to death and I care for her alot. Now i'm scared that our relationship is toxic.

OCD is trying hard to argue with me, but I’m not engaging. “OCD often comes up in the form of a question. Your job is to not answer that question.” Jenna O.

Tough night. Just not feeling myself. Is it considered reassurance seeking to request to hear stories if other people’s recovery? Because I’m struggling to see the light at the end if the tunnel again tonight.

Anyone else suffer from the fear of being gay ?even thought you are certain you are not

Started doing ERP. Social media is the worst. The anxiety is making me feel like I’m falling apart. Any tips on how to keep pushing through it?

Needing a Im not alone moment here :( My chest feels tight I feel like crawling up in ball and crying Now my thoughts are racing “You’re just in denial, this is the “normal sadness” of wanting to break up”

Does anyone randomly convince themselves they are not attracted to someone and lose feelings for them all to find out it was just the OCD. They finally leave and you are a wreck. It’s like I sit around and obsess about “how do I know”. 😫😫😫😫

can’t help feeling really disconnected from myself and everyone else i’m close to

So im bisexual and sometimes i get thoughts about what if im just straight or what if im just a lesbian and this happens in minutes at first i could let it go easily. But now my mind is saying im a lesbian wich i know isnt bad but it just isnt me?? I cant see me myself just liking girls cuz i have liked a few guys in the past i just havent been going out much so i dont see many people. And at fist i could be like ok thats fine but i wanna be in a relationship with a guy lol like i just want that. And then i get the feeling that i dont like anyone and that im aromantic ( i have adhd maybe that explains stuff)

Is anybody else becoming irritated by this narrative that HOCD is the result of ‘internalised homophobia’? I initially saw a few people who didn’t have HOCD question whether this theme was the result of homophobia, but I just brushed that off as ignorance on their behalf because they don’t understand what it’s like to have the theme. But, then it started to shift over into the therapy world, where I’d see therapists posting on Instagram & writing blog posts about how this theme has links to homophobia. I understand and appreciate that there will be select individuals who have this theme, possibly because of underlying toxic religious beliefs for example, who have internalised, or even externalised homophobia, but they make up such a tiny portion of the entire population of HOCD sufferers, that it actually angers me that even PROFESSIONALS are generalising that narrative to the whole community. In these blog posts and Instagram posts, I’d read that the ‘media’ may have led to feelings of homophobia… in 2021, I have no clue about what media is explicitly condemning homosexuality… but okay. To me, it’s less activism as it’s just a desire to turn mental health political, and from professionals, that upsets me. I’ve noticed that a lot of the clinical psychologists have said that individuals with HOCD TEND to be very current in their political beliefs, & do not believe it’s at all wrong to be homosexual, bi sexual, transsexual. Any thoughts on this?

“Accept the thoughts” they say but the thoughts are still here 🤦🏽‍♂️🤦🏽‍♂️

Intrusive thoughts on making sexual advances on same sex friends <<<<<<<

What do you do when you’re afraid of your thoughts, afraid of losing control, afraid of the uncertainty and doubt? I feel like my only option is to stay locked in my room forever.

If your therapist thinks your ocd theme might be real are they required to tell you?

i feel like social media has impacted my ocd in a bad way especially tiktok. the things people say or do can really stick with you. the more you feed your brain it the more you will believe it.

Question regarding compulsions. For me, when I imagine myself in sexual scenarios with men vs. women, I’m not imagining women to DISPROVE that I’m attracted to them, but rather to compare the two different scenarios because I don’t know. Is that still a compulsion?

How am I supposed to just accept the thought that I Might not like my girlfriend anymore and that I should just break up with her and I'll feel better, I don't want that and even the thought of accepting that maybe I should just makes me depressed

Hey guys, I tried "vague nurves" exercises... they are so effective for ocd. As ocd causes so much emotional stress and anxiety... anyone else try this?

Why does OCD feel like curiosity?

I’m in a long distance relationship and I just realized that I use past good memories with my partner as reassurance when I get anxious or scared about our relationship. Normally that’s a good thing but obviously for rocd it can become a compulsion and now I’m terrified because the memories aren’t bringing the same feelings of calm and happiness they always do. I mean I still treasure them and I wish I could go back and relive those moments but they don’t feel as “rosy”. I think it’s just because I’m in my own head so much analyzing, looking for specific things, etc and of course even when I do find them I still get anxious which makes me feel like the memories aren’t enough even though when I’m not struggling with this theme the memories feel like the most beautiful memories I have in my life. Not to mention it’s been 9 months since I’ve seen him so of course the memories are a little blurry around the edges, plus I developed severe sexual orientation ocd which caused me to lose a lot of the confidence I used to have and on top of that I’m terrified that when he comes back it won’t feel the same so of course the memories make me anxious because I worry that I didn’t actually enjoy them or that it was all just me being infatuated as opposed to actual rocd. I hate this so so so so much, this bond is so special to me and it just tries to take it away when it’s all I want…

I really do not want to be gay or bi. Feels like there’s nothing I can do to keep it from happening. It felt like I had accepted it earlier. I can’t tell if this is ocd. I have no idea.

Does anyone know how to do erp for yourself? How should I start?

Before ocd did you guys have hobbies you were really into? I love music but ever since all of this I have 0 motivation for it.

What is your comfort movie?

Hey guys , I just want to know how I should deal with these thoughts . I have moments where I realize that I really do love being a woman and I like being pretty and doing girly stuff but my brain won’t stop asking stupid shit like why do I like it so much and how come men don’t wanna be women and why is being a man so uncomfortable for me and how are men comfortable that way and what do I really enjoy about being a woman anyway ? And am I sure that’s really who I am ? I can’t get these questions to leave me alone and I don’t why I feel like I need to answer them . When I hear men that have the same theme as me and they say they know if they were a woman they would be depressed it’s triggering for me because it’s like what if I start to think like that to ? Cause then that would me I am a boy and I really really really don’t want to be . I loved some of my happiest moments as a gurl . Can someone please tell me how I should respond to these types of thoughts ?

Why does it feel like I’m in actual denial :( I feel so weird and I’m trying to figure out my feelings but I don’t feel what I feel when I really like someone but it’s telling me otherwise with my really good friend bc we’re really close 🙁

Wondering if anyone else can relate with this, just curious if it might be linked to OCD or if it’s something else. I feel as though I’m always flooded at random moments with images and memories from my childhood or teenage years, but in a way where I’m remembering things I haven’t remembered in legitimately years. To me it feels like my OCD wants me to figure out certain memories or is trying to throw things at me to either prove or disprove something. I feel as though the current subtypes of OCD I’ve been dealing with for the past year and half now have rewired my brain to remember things that wouldn’t even cross my mind 2-3 years ago. The brain is fascinating but can also kind of be a dick 😂

Okay so I’m talking to one of my friends and I really do enjoy talking to her but like what if that means o like her or something like idk like feelings of excitement or genuine enjoyment make it seem like it’s something else and I don’t like that like idk if I never even- ugh idk anymore it went from POCD TO SOOCD 😭

Does anyone else have friends/coworkers that make you question yourself? I’ve been doing really well with my ERP’s and getting to a place where my intrusive thoughts are so minimal some days and then I have a day like today where one of my “friends” asked me if I was a lesbian and “didn’t know what I liked” because I never talk about my dating life. The past few years dealing with my SOOCD has really affected my sex drive and drive to be in a relationship in general probably because I was avoiding it. But I still have gone out with a few guys and have talked about my exes to this friend before that it was so discouraging to hear her question my orientation. On one hand, yea maybe she was curious and should feel open to ask; but on the other hand, can a woman not be single without being questioned what’s wrong with her? Or for people to assume something because someone’s single? Trying not to spiral all day but this is the second friend that I’ve had question why I’m single. Vent over...

. Does anybody get thoughts/ images of being with the same-sex and feels nothing towards it? Sometimes it’s like you’re just trapped in it and can’t do anything about it and it feels so real that it has become a part of you? I’ve been feeling like this for a few days ever since I developed feelings for a guy. Whenever I do have mental breakdowns at the end of the day- it feels like I’m faking all of it. Faking that I’m getting distress over it or being upset.

The worst part of soocd is when it makes me question my feelings and attraction to my partner. I start analyzing past memories to see if I felt “enough”, comparing what he feels like to be around compared to friends. Like today I was in the car thinking about how peaceful I am with him but then I had a dumb thought like “You’re seeing it through your eyes, you’re not remembering him enough. It’s like he’s not in the memory , just you.” and I didn’t pull myself out of that until I got home and fell asleep. It’s been 9 months since I’ve even seen him, of course I’m not going to remember his presence perfectly and of course it’s going to be through my eyes and how I felt. I really don’t care about any labels or anything stupid like that, I just don’t want to lose what I have for my partner that’s all. Long distance with rocd already makes me feel like a monster or like I’m supposed to feel a “certain” way every single day he’s gone.

how do i start to feel connected to my boyfriend again. my thoughts tell me i don’t know him anymore and i’m just comfortable in the relationship. i literally look at him and feel like he’s a stranger and it’s extremely distressing. i’m not sure how to connect with him again to help this thought go away.

can anyone comment some tips that have helped them accept uncertainty?

I feel like my hocd has evolved from being worried about sexual attraction to the same sex to romantic attraction to the same sex. I've gotten pretty good about dealing with sexually intrusive thoughts, but now I'm getting other intrusive thoughts about romantic attraction. Does anyone relate to hocd evolving to something else related to same sex attraction?

whenever i fantasize about men, maybe even just romantically, my mind replaces them with girls :( it doesn't make me super anxious but i want it to stop and then i feel the need to check if i like it and then it goes wrong and i feel like i would enjoy it :(

I'm having a lot of trouble getting myself to see a therapist because I'm worried my fears will come true, any tips for this other than just do it?

I am so frustrated right now because my brain convinced me that i lost feelings for my boyfriend I have been seeing a lot ov videos on tiktok of people who said things like "he's so happy, how di I tell him i lost feelings" to their partners And I don't know i linda got influenced by it Also i stopped getting jealous, or angry when he wouldn't answer to my texts which also added to it

some thoughts that have been bothering me today: “what’s the difference between wanting to be with the same sex or not” “if i was religious i wouldn’t want to be bisexual so it’s denial or something” “if i end up married to my boyfriend and never experience sex with a girl i could still be bisexual if i wanted to have sex with a girl” “i feel like i do” “i have fantasies quite often about a threesome even though i know i would never want that” “what if i want the threesome just to experiment with a girl so that i don’t have to break up with my boyfriend” (even though that’s stupid that experience would never happen) “what if we break up and i do have sex with a girl” “when i fantasize about that stuff i kind of do want it but don’t at the same time” “i’m straight…. wait no i’m bi i have to be” THIS IS EXHAUSTING 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣😂

i swear i go through a mental checklist of definitions of things about sexuality like i’m studying for a test for instance; “and denial is ____” like i swear i’m stupid 😂😂😂😂😂

If you struggle with Harm OCD like I do, a good book on Kindle to read is "Harm OCD Recovery" by Ali Greymore.

I got hocd when I'm 15. I worry about it alot. I wished that I got hocd a bit later ( after puberty) so that I was sure that I am straight. Does anyone relate

i had the most anxiety inducing thought for no reason. i literally had a thought that i don’t want to be bisexual because i don’t want to go to hell and now i’m like iS tHiS deNiAL. i want to start reading the bible and going to church again but now i don’t want to smh. has anyone else had similar thoughts? this was scary i’m just sitting with it though.

i used to like astrology until i saw posts about romantic relationships that made me overthink my own. it happened today again and i felt my mood tanking and my anxiety increase.

Anyone else feel weird with a hang over? Write how you usually feel below I need to know I'm okay 😂 I have pins and needles just feel weird about life etc

i feel like people on here actually believe i am in denial and are just being nice

How to cure my OCD at home? Or will be able to? I can't go to a therapist because mental health is still a taboo in my area and I am only 17. Secondly, even if they agree to take me to the therapist... I'll have to open up about the previous relationships I've had and if my parents come to know about them, I am dead. It's a lose lose situation for me.

I constantly take reassurance from my past unintentionally Example :- I think about the relationships that I've had, sex drive for women etc Does anyone relate? I hope my sexuality doesnt change

My intrusive thoughts are not automatic?! Or like, I barely get intrusive thoughts?? I only get false attraction and stuff?? Ugh :( it's not OCD. I have diagnosis but they did wrong

Does anyone here have a therapist through NOCD, and know until when thebtherpaist actually start doing e.r.p., is it after the 4th or 5th session?

I’m so worried about making sure I am attracted to girls still and it’s making me always think of sex and if I don’t get hard or feel something I’m gay. How can I stop this? Please help me i have a gf I love her dearly but why don’t I feel love for her anymore 😔I know I love her but it’s killing me and I know if I lost her I’d be devastated someone please help me my life feels like it’s in shambles

I made my friend laugh and I liked that I made her laugh and now I feel like I like her it’s so dumb 😣

Hey any tips on letting go of sentimental items, I know people with ocd can collect a lot of stuff cuz they don’t want to throw it away and I struggle with it I’d love some advice

i'm scared of going through a psychosis or that i am going through one. yesterday i had a thought, "what if you already acted on your intrusive thought and you're just hallucinating all of this". this scared me so bad. it was like a part of me knows that it's just my brain being dumb, but then there another part of me that's just like what if? could i be going through a psychosis? i also think this could be derealization because i am showing signs of that as well.

Any advice / insight / words of comfort or wisdom would be extremely appreciated. Two of my themes are working wayyyy too well together right now and I truly feel like I’m losing my mind. Lately, I feel like I really haven’t been able to feel any sort of emotion. This includes feeling love towards my boyfriend, and it’s painful as hell. I’ve always worried that when I start feeling more “normal” around him and don’t get butterflies anymore, that there has to be something wrong. Along with this, of course, I’ve come across many HOCD triggers that all end in groinal responses and ruminating. Right now I’m totally convinced that I’ll never feel love for my boyfriend again and that there’s no way I can’t be gay. I feel so defeated and so hopeless. I feel totally worthless and have no motivation or desire to do anything. I just want sleep every day away.

If things feel dark right now and you can’t see a light, let this be that light: Hey guys I just want to post a little encouragement. I’ve had OCD all my life and lately my relationship OCD has been so severe that I decided to reach out to NOCD for help & I haven’t had my first therapy session yet, that’s Saturday. But since I’ve found this community a few days ago it’s allowed me to watch webinars, find accounts and resources, and I’m even beginning some of the practice of sitting in uncertainty. I found out thru this community about different vitamins & supplements to help balance out the neurotransmitters that cause OCD sufferers. I have only been on these & practicing “sitting in uncertainty” for 2 days and I am already feeling so much better, after seriously being in one of the most hopeless places of my life thinking I would not ever escape intrusive thoughts. I really finally think recovery may be possible. I see a glimmer of hope and I know that I must share it because when it feels dark the light is hard to see.

yikes! after two days in the NOCD community i’ve found out several users with SO-OCD who use homophobic rhetoric. saying homophobic stuff won’t make your OCD better. in fact, it’ll fuel it. i understand your pain, but please try to be respectful. the best way is to accept uncertainty and better yourself as a person. sincerely, a bisexual comrade 🌼

i just saw something on Instagram reels and i think i am triggered (?). i cried a bit and felt like throwing up for a minute, then i walked around and drank water and i am fine? my mind is like blocking? like there are no thoughts and i just stopped crying? like why was i not triggered more by that??

I can’t tell if it’s my OCD or if I’m actually questioning my sexuality. I’m very confused and panicked thanks to a fly away comment my sister made that triggered my thoughts again after a month of being better.

nothing worse than doing a sexual checking compulsion and it doesn’t come out how you want it

Remember everyone, if you’re feeling uncertain try to sit with it rather than posting it on here. It’s ok to come here for support but I’ve been seeing a lot of reassurance seeking. Do some ERP. Every intrusive thought is an opportunity to grow ❤️

Reddit is a fucking hellscape

i’m on day three identifying as bisexual for exposure therapy! the thoughts don’t bother me at all, and i still accept uncertainty just fine. my attraction to women has gone down a tad bit, but i know it’ll go back once the anxiety has lessened. i feel awesome! if anyone has any questions, ask away !

I feel like I’m “jealous of straight women?” Because they get to like men and live normal lives? But then that makes me feel like I’m gay because I feel like that I’m freaking out I don’t think this is OCD please someone help me

Anyone else deal with stressed out/strained eyes? Like I get this weird sensation in the back of my eyes, and I did a quick google search and it’s related to anxiety. But it’s also common with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, so I’m worried that it was never OCD but something. worse. Anyone else can relate?

i just realized i never had any fantasies about the same sex BEFORE watching lesbian porn. literally none wtf. can porn create fantasies or make you incline towards thinking of things? i think this is sort of an epiphany for me - not realizing anything but more insight than i had before.

I don’t think I have OCD.

I’m worried I’m faking now. Like since I started taking Zoloft, I have less intrusive thoughts and anxiety, but that’s the problem. This numb feeling, not feeling anxious, is terrifying because what if I’m a sociopath or psychopath. I might stop taking Zoloft just to be sure I’m not faking.

i think my early symptoms of ocd (scrupulosity themed i guess) are what led me to become non religious in my early teens. i would have intrusive thoughts about being possessed/being destined for hell and nothing at the time could relieve me of this distress. confiding these thoughts with others made me angry because i felt demonized for having them to begin with so i denounced my faith out of spite. ive come to realize how much ocd took from me and if i knew any better i probably would have stayed religious, but i dont really see myself going back to church any time soon. i hope acknowledging this is healthy for me. i suffered a lot during those years

Anyone have advice for dealing with a fear of selfishness? For me, it’s mostly religion- (Christianity) related but goes into earthly morality generally too. Like, wondering if you are really using logic and trying to combat OCD or if you are just using it as an excuse to not have to do something you don’t want to, and thus are truly just being selfish. I’ve had a lot of trouble with it lately and would appreciate any advice!

does anyone have any tips on perfectionism/strategies/techniques? My therapist says it’s the main thing that fuels my ocd

I’ve been doing so good, very minimal inteusive thoughts. But now im scared that Im actually turning into what I fear and like the thoughts. Ugh

how can this still be ocd if i have barely any anxiety to the thoughts? like they're there, but i am not ruminating on them nor do they cause anxiety :(

anyone with hocd force their attraction to the opposite sex or like even finding them attractive or is this denial?

Does anyone else feel like everything is good for like a millisecond right after waking up, and then it all drops onto your head again like a huge load and you’re like so frustrated and sad because you “remember”?

Sometimes I get thoughts like I have heterosexual ocd and not homosexual ocd. Does anyone relate?

What are your thoughts about finger ratio and sexual orientation? I just read about it and it really freaked me out because my ring finger is longer than my index finger

Anyone else with social anxiety have a hard time controlling their facial expressions? I have a hard time holding eye contact with ppl for more than a couple seconds and feel my face making uncomfortable expressions that show that I’m uneased, angry, or scared. Once I feel the anxiety kicking in during a social interaction I zone in on it, and I have a hard time letting it go. This is super irritating and makes it difficult to be in the moment/enjoy social intersections. Any comment or suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

Rumination be like... https://fb.watch/v/13N_GUHNL/

Hope you all are having a great evening! OCD sucks but we got this!!! 💪💪💪

Genuine question when you’re in a better mood does your thoughts kind of go away and you don’t notice them as much but when you’re in a bad mood they kind of over take your mind.

tw for (perhaps) maybe new hocd thought anyone else when imagining scenarios with women, it feels like my brain immediately turns me into a guy in the scenario and the girl is me (?). like i was trying to imagine a girl laying down on my chest and then suddenly all i can think of is that i am a guy and not me in the scenario and the girl is maybe me is that some kind of heteronormativity? like now i am freaking out because i can't imagine normal lesbian scenarios to check because what if it's heteronormativity??

false attractions feel more real when your ocd symptoms are worst?

OCD is trying its best to ruin my relationship and life 🥲

Do others with SOOCD find that after erp treatment, the disinterest in intimacy/loss of attraction comes and goes in waves? Like sometimes I find my SOOCD is really quiet and I can just enjoy my relationship, and other times it hits me full force and I cant believe I even have ocd just think its real.

I feel like I’m gonna have to tell my future boyfriend/husband about my real event ocd and everything it has put me through. But I feel like they would just leave me. Does anyone else worry about this