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Also I’m very scared to do try the initial therapist call cause I’m scared to hear something I don’t want to hear

I took two tiny shots of tequila like probably would equal one to try to just go to sleep and it made me sleepy but then I imagine big round heavy boobs and nothing happened honest like nothing was going on down there nothing was going on up top but I couldn’t stop imagining it and when I imagine dick nothing happened either and I’m just gonna keep focusing on the roundedness and the way the heavy boobs hung I’ve never like them before but why can I stop focusing on the on them even if I took tequila to help me sleep! I’m scared I give up like I must this must be I don’t wanna live that life but I can’t stop thinking about the way big big heavy round boobs hang I’m just gonna do I don’t like the limp ones that sag I don’t like firm ones but why aren’t i responding to dick and now I’m scared I feel faint something like I am I don’t wanna finally respond to big boobs of all things I’m scared I keep thinking this must be my life now but I I said don’t I want dick and I said oh that is enough evidence enough like I don’t I do want dick well I’m scared I said why am I focusing on what I but I don’t want big round heavy boobs nothings going on even with some tequila in my system I can’t get turned on by boobs why am I focusing on them why aren’t I getting hot and bothered over dick I’m scared the fact that I’m focusing on the round heavy boobs means that I am but I’m not buy or gay but why focus on those whenever I had tequila and thought object I would always get really happy and now I can’t focus on it I don’t have scared it’s not some thing of beauty it’s not something I appreciate I don’t like the roundness or nipples I don’t like boobs. And I remembered when I got kind of drunk because it doesn’t take that much I don’t drink that much and looked at and I said it is it’s not OK I got drunk once and looked at shit you know what I mean and nothing happened when I was drunk I’m scared this mess I don’t want happiness I’m scared I’m not fascinated I don’t like the way boob saying why can’t I just go to sleep and not wake up

So I have this new obsession that I only find women attractive when I’m seeing them on my phone? And in reality I don’t find them attractive even tho I can think of plenty of times where I have found them attractive. And now it’s like all the times I’ve noticed a man is attractive I was just suppressing my sexuality. But it didn’t feel like there was anything to suppress. It’s clear to me now I’ve had HOCD for a while but it would just make me uncomfortable seeing an attractive man? And also now I’m worried that when I’ve watched porn that I’ve sometimes been turned on by the guy more than the girl? But regardless of all of this… I have never wanted to have a sexual relationship with a man… only women. Am I just in deep denial or?

How do you do ERP? I'm not asking generally, but rather how do you, the person reading this, do ERP? I'm at the point where I'm trying to work out how to do ERP for myself (largely self-directed as I don't see my psychologist more than once every few weeks), and I'm trying to get an idea of what it looks like on a practical level. Do you try and do ERP every day? Multiple times a day? How long do you spend on each exposure/session? Do you do ERP at the same time every day, or do you change it up? What do you do after you've done an exposure, do you do any self-care once the exposure is finished? I see things online saying that it can take upwards of an hour for distress to decrease when doing an exposure, and I'm wondering what are you allowed to do during that time? If the goal of ERP is to sit with the distress, do you literally just sit there for an hour doing nothing until the anxiety goes down? That's a long time to sit doing nothing but feel anxious, especially if the goal is to do this every day. Right now I'm struggling with implementing ERP into my routine. I currently do ERP sporadically, and not on any kind of schedule. I'm struggling to find exposures that distress me sufficiently, and when I do find something I'll still find myself feeling anxious hours later even after I thought I'd acclimatized. I'd really appreciate hearing from other people so that I can get an idea of what good ERP looks like in practice.

This post is just serving as a journal entry for me, so don’t feel the need to respond, but if you do, thank you! Today was an incredibly difficult day, I have into compulsions again, I hate when I do, my brain convinces me that it’ll help me but it leaves me feeling like absolute garbage. Today was a bad day, even though my mom didn’t go to work today, which usually makes me happy because them I’m not home alone all day. She was taking care of my step dad, he had really bad heart burn last night and apparently couldn’t breathe, I think it’s called GERD, but he seems better today, but most of her attention was focused on making sure he was okay. I hate how selfish I feel, even though he actually needed help and watched today, I was still wanting to talk with my mom and have her attention. I hate OCD, I used to be able to just hangout in my room all day and not have to constantly be around my mom. But my anxiety has been flaring so much. POCD, Real Event, and False Memory are a horrible combination. I’m still terrified of what I saw weeks ago earlier in November. It’s left me mortified and scarred. No amount of reassurance has been able to help me, not from the suicide hotline, not from my mom, and not from my friends. I feel horrible and don’t know how I’m going to make until the end of the month. I just need to wait until January 1st before my insurance can cover any therapy sessions, so I have to wait. I’m looking into making a session with a general therapist just so I have someone to talk to this month. My past decisions, from when I was younger are haunting me, and again, reassurance has stopped working. I’m at a point where I feel like I’m ready to give up. But I could never put more pain into my moms heart. I wish I had someone in real life to talk to about OCD, someone who actually has it themselves and understands the pain that comes with it. I feel so alone, but I also really feel as if I don’t deserve help. I still want to isolate from the world, or banish myself from society as a whole. And as much as I know how cheesy or ridiculous that sounds, it’s the only thing that seems to make sense to me. I’m tired of compulsions, they don’t reduce my anxiety at all, maybe they did before, but now it just seems like these compulsions are self destructive and it’s my brain wanting to punish or destroy me. I’ve lost all motivation to do anything, I can’t even do chores without feeling incredibly torn down and defeated, I just sit around all day ruminating, or scrolling mindlessly through social media to just distract myself, I do nothing productive. This semester is almost over, so at least that weight will be lifted a little bit. I’m just done. Hopefully tomorrow’s journal entry is a little bit more brighter or hopeful, but I doubt it. I suppose these journal entries mainly serve just to let my thoughts out, and maybe read back on them someday to remember or for whatever reason I’ll need them. I’m gonna go take out my trash bins and then get into bed, everyone is asleep right now and it’s barely about to be 10 here. I feel like such scum and waste of time.

if you see this and you have any positive stories dealing with rocd please could you respond to this, i’m feeling so completely hopeless and confused

Anyone else hit themselves in the head sometimes? Like just punch yourself in the head?

Please help me, I’m so overwhelmed. I’m so scared man, I don’t know if I have OCD but I keep having these irrational fears that small things will change my appearance or stunt my growth as I’m going through puberty. Every time I hear a noise I try to make it myself as I fear it somehow changed my face or my height. Last week I played a stupid little game with my friends resulting in me falling and getting a concussion. Now I’m so overwhelmed with regret and sadness as I beg and wish to go back and relive that day in order to prevent it. I feel so mad and angry at myself as I knew doing something like this would trigger me and I still did it. I feel so overwhelmed with regret as I feel as if this concussion has significantly altered what height I will be and my facial appearance and also my intelligence. I can’t move on and every time I think back to it I breakdown into tears. I don’t know what to do, I couldn’t enjoy my thanksgiving break with my family and with school starting back up I feel so overwhelmed with regret and I keep thinking about ways I could’ve prevented this from happening and I want to go back so badly. Please help me, I’m so overwhelmed. I keep feeling this concussion changed my facial appearance, altered my height growth, and somehow changed my entire life path somehow. I feel so sad and disconnected right now. (I’m 15), I’m so scared I won’t grow taller and that this injury changed my entire life. Please help me, I’m so scared, I feel like my life has ended. Now I feel like I failed my parents, I feel so sad as if I’m a failure to them, I try so hard to make them proud but I always fail. I just want them to be happy, and this concussions makes me feel like that will never happen. I just keep having irrational thoughts and fears that everything I do will stunt my growth, make me uglier, or have me lose intelligence. And this concussion has tenfolded it, please help.

TW*** Im seriously in denial, the thoughts, urges and feelings are ridiculously strong and obsessive. Before I would get in ocd cycles, get out and see things clearly but these last eight months especially the last two since I quit my job have been too extreme for my body to handle. I havent gotten out of my bed once since waking up today and I think I really want to act on these thoughts and will end up acting on them which means its not hocd, and I know it and like ill be ok with it too once I act on them which means it something more than hocd. I cant put my phone down, I have to keep watching something or scrolling or this depression and anxiety will eat my brain. I want to reach out for help everyday but what the fuck is the point when I think ive realized im trans and gay and its my truth for real and want to act on them but im just suppressing it? Please dont tell me gay or not youll be ok, that just gives me total despair and ßuicidal feelings. Pls help

yesterday I had my second session with my NOCD therapist. she’s great, but I just had such a hard time talking about what my real event OCD centers around. I could barely even get out vague descriptions because I am so afraid that my fears about being terrible will be confirmed and that I truly am irredeemable. I’m sure everybody who deals with this theme feels this way, but I really think mine is so bad and immoral…I couldn’t even say it. I know I need to at least be honest about it initially because otherwise how can I get help & move on? but do I deserve to move on? ugh I just feel so stuck. I know confessing is a compulsion but actually talking about it for the first time paralyzes me with fear. I can’t believe I froze up like that…but I also just can’t bear to think of what would happen if I did tell the truth. What if it really is as terrible as I think it is?

My therapist of only 3 sessions told me I need help wise where. She said I’m “to difficult” wow. Very disappointing and hurt my feelings

Told my friend I might be trans. She said you could be am I was happy someone understood and possibly accepted me. But I feels weird I have so much doubt. Was it OCD in the first place? I just started panicking again. That I was lying to myself the whole time. Maybe I am trans. I still don’t feel gender dysmoria my mind was convince my name has been Stephanie instead of Steve. Im so lost was I just scared my parents would hate me? Why don’t I feel happy that I could be trans this is so weird.

I was pretty sure i washed my hands after disinfecting the 7 doorknobs with clorox and toilet paper and was pretty sure I used gloves but now my brain is telling me that I didnt and all the germs from the doorknobs and toilet paper and all the grime were on my hands and that I touched and changed my clothes with those hands and touched other surfaces. It’s making me feel very guilty and like I need to shower again. And i was wondering since I have contamination ocd why on earth would I do such a thing but my brain tells me that I did that because I was vaping for the first time in a long time and it made my memory bad so that I forgot to wash my hands. Clorox was seeping through the toilet paper so if I was not wearing gloves then I dont know what would make me not wash my hands after I was done. But my brain is very convincing right now. My therapist told me not to shower again today. I feel like a bad person for not showering again and I really wanna put my blankets in the laundry bc I laid there after this whole thing. I really hope this is false memory but I will never know. I don’t want to spread covid by wearing clothes that I may have touched after touching 7 dirty doorknobs. Even if I put clorox on the tissues before wiping the knobs, not all of the tissue was covered in clorox and the dry parts were also touching parts of the knobs. I touched all of those tissues so if I really did not wash my hands then I don’t know how to get over this. Should I just wash my clothes, shower, and wash my sheets and blankets incase?

So after having OCD for as long as I can remember (since 5 years old probably, I am 31 now), I’ve been in ERP for 6 months and while I think I still have a long way to go, I can tell it is working. But…I don’t/can’t feel happy or proud of my progress. It bothers me that after 26 years of OCD, 6 months of treatment has resulted in a reduction of symptoms. For one, I find it frustrating that in only 6 months I’m seeing improvement, like why could I have not done this many years ago and saved a lot of suffering. More frustratingly though, it makes me feel kind of like it negates or diminishes the suffering/negative impacts it has caused on my life (relationship, work etc). Like how could a 26 year problem be solved in 6 months that just doesn’t seem right. It also brings up thoughts like “have I been making this worse than it is?”, “am I exaggerating?”, “were my symptoms real?” etc. I know these are all related to me doubting my diagnosis and are just another symptom of OCD but I still just can’t accept the fact that my symptoms have improved in a short span of time. Anyone else feel similar? How have you been able to feel happy about your progress?

What was your thought process before you put your hands up. To your face. What was happening before. I was pulling a cart and that new guy was behind me. I had the stupid cart that kept smacking into everything so I was being very careful with it because I didn't want to seem like an idiot. After that I dropped the cart off anf was walking back to get a new one. I had already blew into my hands one because it was cold but I saw this guy and decided to do it again. I don't really remember my thought process. "it's fucking cold, blow in your hands to show him your cold". I'm anxious that this was flirting. I don't really find him that attractive. Like kind of but not really. So I don't think it was because he was attractive. I also don't think it was showing romantic or sexual interest. But yet I'm still anxious it's flirting. I'm also anxious that when I was singing "I can't wait" on the radio it was directed towards Waldy. Again I also don't find him that attractive but he's okay. But I think I was singing a little louder ND having thoughts of being in a relationship with him. Once I realized I stopped singing around him. However I think this was just an intrusive thought, and the only reason it came was because I've been anxious about this hands thing for like 10 hours. I absolutely hate this and want to confess everything to my bf but I know realistically I'm not flirting. But I feel like I am. Ugh I'm also now anxious I sighed loudly to get the other guy to talk to me because I thought he was polite. I was pulling a heavy pallet, and instead of walking in front of me he just said "you go, I can wait a sec" and I think I said something along the lines of "thanks, it's heavy". I parked the pallet and sighed. Before (I think. I don't really remember) I sighed I was having intrusive thoughts of being in a relationship with this individual because they were nice to me. And I'm paranoid I think I sighed to continue conversation. It didn't and I just left. But 1 I don't think he's that attractive, but at the time I might have. And I don't think I was sighing to show romantic or sexual interest. I'm shaking. I'm still caught up wihh the hands thing. I feel like I need to tell Adam so bad. But if it wasn't anything and it's just my OCD it'll seriously damage our relationship even more. I'm trying to replay these situations in my head over and over and over trying to remember what my thoughts were before my actions, if the actions came from my thoughts or the thoughts came after. The shitty part about all of this is I feel like I can't remember. I'm freaking out. Part of me in tempted to leave my relationship because I feel like I'm a horrible person. I feel like I'm hiding something so bad I don't want to flirt with people. I don't want to think about being in relationships with other people. I can't tell if I'm flirting or if it's my OCD If I flirted I have to tell my bf because that's our relationship rules/boundies. But I don't wanna confess to something I don't entirely remember or maybe I'm just faking forgetting so I can convince myself I'm not flirting?? I absolutely have everything rn

What do you do when feelings fade in a long term relationship?

🆘🆘🆘 Please someone answer So I took a Flexeril last night. And it did help me sleep. But I came with really bad dreams well more like thoughts not images. Or I don’t know I guess I don’t I tend to not remember my dreams that much it’s really rare when I do. I went to bed at maybe two in the morning and woke up at six something and I woke up to thoughts like women are when they’re not Sexy are delicious to me and I remember it feeling wrong describing them as such. I remember trying to calm down because I was getting these weird painful feelings in my stomach because it didn’t feel right to describe women like that because they’re not hot sexy or delicious to me. And I don’t even like the fact that when I was writing this writing that last sentence that I smiled. Like I mean otherwise and I don’t. And so I use the restroom and I try to go back to sleep and I do for a little while maybe an hour. And then I woke up sort of imagine getting in an argument and saying that my body is when my body‘s not bisexual. And that was really terrifying I wake up with my hands particularly my palms really clammy I woke up with my heart pounding because when I I was I remembered arguing and I was gonna say something else and then BISEXUAL slipped out and I’m scared the pressure went away when I said it but I’m not bisexual! So if I’m not why did the pressure go away saying otherwise? And then I I’m scared I was trying to find out how to do something in a particular video game. Pokémon brilliant diamond I just noticed a lot of people online had these cool outfits and I was like I wonder how to do that’s why he’s trying to look up online how to. I found out and the outfits actually were cool and I said of course the woman’s outfits were they weren’t really better it’s just the guys don’t have much to go on when it comes to that kind of style and stuff like that. They’re kind of stuck. And then I imagined it I’m frightened I smiled and stepped back so to speak in my mind in my chest like internally and almost feel better why would I feel better imagining if I’m straight if this is OCD I don’t wanna suck boobs I’m not BISEXUAL! So for that to happen right after waking up saying my body is feeling better scares me I my heart is not bisexual and neither is my body so how can I wake up saying that and having the pressure went away and then having that thing you know smiling imagining and having the pressure going to stepping back but I don’t wanna suck boobs! I am scared I I have the way I smiled and then I looked at my guy like a picture of him and I’m fine I know I’m not over the guy he’s fucking lovely I don’t ever wanna be over him but I made a face I’m scared of how I smiled how I feel better imagining and then stepping back like why would that happen I don’t wanna suck boobs I don’t want to my body I don’t want to suck boobs I’m so confused I’m scared this proves what I dreamed but I’m not bisexual so why would I smile my body wants men not women like the first dream was like no this it didn’t feel right to describe them as such and I was imagining I called them but they’re not delicious I was imagining boobs of all kinds I don’t and hanging and shit and I don’t like either! And imagining I keep saying with her bodies are not hot or sexy I don’t want to change I don’t wanna add I don’t want to discover anything I keep thinking that I already but I never knew it because it’s not true it’s not real! So why do The pressure go away saying bye when I’m not bisexual then imagining why would the pressure go away saying that and smiling I don’t wanna suck boobs why would the pressure go away imagining doing so and now I can’t stop I can’t breathe! Like I can’t like I make faces like I don’t want I’m not bisexual I absolutely love not huge ones but I love pectorals I like guys know I almost said I am but I don’t like girls like guys and balls I don’t like girls at all I said I like I meant to say pectorals and then almost had like but I’m not bisexual I don’t like it the word either what is happening to me 🥺🥺

I feel terrible. The porn I watched from ages 12-16 was disgusting, I feel like some sick sexual deviant. I don’t have the courage to tell my therapist what exactly I watched out of fear that they’ll confirm that it’s not ocd and my fears are true. I did tell them talk a little bit about my obsession with porn and we did erp for it but my fear is still so strong. I’ve seen people obsess about the same thing but I always feel like what I did was way worse.. :( I just don’t want to feel this way anymore when I’m doing good my fears seem so irrational and stupid but when it gets bad it feels very real and that my life is over.

So frustrated with the misunderstanding of OCD today. A friend of mine gave me a bag with gifts for every day until Christmas (like an advent calendar sort of thing). Because of my OCD, I have a hard time handling/touching things that have come into my home from "outside." I thought this would be a great exposure having to open a gift each day this month. I was even considering telling this friend about my OCD, explaining ERP, and how her gifts could help me in my recovery. Well we were just texting one another about what we're baking for the holidays and how we like the combination of sweet and salty. Then she says this: "I'm surprised I like that combo because I have always had OCD tendencies and hated mixing flavors and foods like that." UGH. Just when I think it might be safe to share my "secret." Nope. Not gonna happen. Now I'm just mad. Thanks for letting me vent.

Does anyone know how to deal with anger issues, cause when I get it I harm myself and I just punched the bathroom sink because I’m angry