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the NOCD Community

So I’ve been going through a rough patch with my OCD. I am currently on 15mg of Lexapro. I’ve been on it for about two years I think. I feel like it does it’s job but I keep falling into these relapses every couple of months, it’s exhausting. So my psychiatrist wants to add 25mg of Clomipramine (Anafranil) and I read the side effects—especially about the serotonin syndrome—and now I’m afraid to take it. I don’t know anyone on this combination of drugs so I’m obviously worried. I may ask to try something else instead. But if anyone has any information or experience about them together please let me know.

tw* Im in an urgency and im so confused. I dont want to go to therapy but its my only option to get better. But ocd therapy and erp look kinda pointless when it seems like my thoughts are already true, Ive had so many realizations and epiphanies that ive been gay all my life and it just never occurred to me and now it feels like even my gender is not correct and all I need to do is accept/embrace and itll gradually go away. I think Im just certain about it too. I cant fu**ing kill myself either so now im stuck like this, it literally dosent seem like Ocd, I know what Hocd and intrusive thoughts used to feel like but it dosent feel that way anymore not even one percent. Theres tons of proof idk what to do, I know ive been told my many people here to do therapy but wtf man ,i feel cornered I have no choice but to accept that Im gay and i think once I do I wont even care about all this. Wow, this is so dissapointing

Does anybody have thoughts that come out like statements? Right now I keep saying in my head I don’t know why you act like you’re not bisexual when I’m not! It’s not an act! And now I’m scared I feel like kind of like when you get an itchy scalp except much lighter and down there and I can’t move from my car right now. I can’t stop thinking I don’t know why you act like you’re not when I’m not bisexual and I’m not acting! I don’t understand why I can’t just go to sleep. I just want to sleep. And I don’t like the way boobs stick out and I don’t really wanna be here anymore I don’t wanna die but I don’t want to exist

You guys I can’t stop please help me! I keep saying men not women and then adding only like I’m mad but I don’t want women at all! And I can’t stop I keep saying it so seriously I keep saying midnight women only like a man I want man I don’t even want to say I know I don’t and I’m scared I keep saying but I want men I keep saying that women only I don’t want women at all please help me no I can’t breathe you guys please I can’t swallow! I can’t stop saying men not women and adding only but I only want men not women and I keep saying not only I don’t I can’t breathe you guys I don’t want women I want men not women why do I keep adding I don’t want women why do I say only one man I don’t want women I can’t stop please help! I keep saying it seriously men and women only I don’t want women why do I add only! I want men NOT WOMEN I WANT MEN ONLY NOT WOMEN I’m scared of why and how I said that like I was so serious I kept adding only and I can’t swallow my throat is tight and my tongue feels too big for my mouth no I want men not women I’m at midnight women I want men I can’t breathe I want men only not women

I feel like in order to function in my failing marriage right now, controlling my OCD is one of the biggest challenges I can face. My spouse has dealt with it for years and she is over it and me. I confessed something last night and it ruined her mood and she is incredibly pissed off at me. She told me that I am a horrible person. It stings. For every confession I perform to alleviate the anxiety, there are 10 or more that I control. I hate this and living in a situation that is toxic. I don’t really blame her because OCD can be annoying and hurtful to someone else. I just wish she could see through the confession, know that I am trying and realize its the OCD. Oh and I am the most selfish and narcissistic person alive too according to her. So yeah, theres that as well.

What is the worst theme you guys deal with? And what intrusive thoughts come with it? This is totally a judgment free zone

In intimacy I’ve always loved receiving but I struggle to reciprocate the touch I receive and it’s not a natural desire , i do it because I love making my partner feel good and seeing him in pleasure and being able to give that to him. I feel doomed.

Hi... Prepare for a huge txt but I need to vent with someone because I need an opinion of what to do and what to feel. I can't tell if I'm overthinking or not. Or if I'm being a horrible person and I should even feel more guilty. This is about ROCD. I'm gay and I have a gf. We have been dating for almost 5 months and in absolutely in love with her. She's my everything and I'm so afraid to be unfair/cheating. I also have this friend (he's a guy btw) who's overly flirtatious with everyone and he's also super insecure about himself and takes a lot of things people say very personally. I also suffer from a bit of sexual orientation ocd and sometimes I fear that I have a crush on him or something... Even though I don't even want even cuddle him let alone anything else.... We have this joke between us that we are husband and wife (it started before I even knew that my gf confessed feelings for me) and I always feel guilty for not ending the joke with my friend because he'd get depressed and maybe harm himself... And yes! I did tell my gf about this joke and she's OK with it. His nickname is cookie and he started a joke once because I was eating cookies once and he started laughing because... Well... You know what it entails. And sometimes I'm saying I'm eating cookies to make him laugh... But now I regret it because I maybe I'm flirting with him or something. I don't really know what flirting is. I know when I'm flirting with my gf but not if I'm accidentally flirting with others. And flirting for me (yes... This is just my take on it. My choice. But I feel that *me*flirting is cheating and I don't want to do that... I sometimes feel a really tight bond with this friend and it scares me. I try to dismiss my thoughts but they scare me that I may have a crush on him or something... And I don't want that... I just want to love my gf. There was this time... Even before I was dating my gf (but it was after she confessed her feelings for me), I was playing games with cookie (he was watching me), and he said "you are so cute" in a tender voice and I sat there feeling flushed - like those feelings you have when you develop a crush? Idk if I was feeling a crush or not. And I somewhat panicked. I have false memories about that moment. Heck! Maybe I'm just fooling myself that those were false memories. I started feeling worried that I actually was happy with him being this loving to me.... But I do think that I assured myself that i didn't because I don't want to have a romantic relationship him but my memory fails me.... And I have doubts and worries that... I did want to be romantic with him (Im pretty sure I don't but not entirely...) One more event that has been guilt-tripping me is that... Once or twice... I acted or did something "cute" for him to compliment me... I can't remember what! Or maybe I'm having false memories again... And I think it's definitely flirting and therefore cheating! I hate myself... I've been crying and feeling miserable.... And I have been avoiding said friend. I regret so badly ever meeting this friend because I told him that he needs to stop with the lewd jokes about me and he hasn't. I feel like I should break with my gf because she deserves so much better... She's an angel and I don't deserve her. I love her so much... (I don't know if it helps but he's a very loving person and sometimes he says he wants to give me kisses and cuddles and I say "sure" because I don't want to hurt him but I'm always uncomfortable with that idea) Please help me... And please don't hate me... I'm so sorry....

Ive done so much damage to myself this entire year, anxiety attacks everyday, depression and ßuicidality for i dont even remember when it started. Exactly 365 days ago I moved to this new city and today my mental health is damaged thinking about that actually caused an attack last night. I believe Ive also realized im gay trying to suppress it, i think I had hocd but at the same time I was genuinely trying to figure out and understand my sexuality. Worked 9 months at a job as soon as i moved here and have little to no memory of working there, I mean I know worked there and remember it but where that time and those days went I have no idea, it feels strange. Dont know what to do, new year is here and my life and thinking has gone completely backwards.

Its me again with this question :). So whats the difference between Suicidal Ocd/Harm Ocd and Suicidal ideation(which is just thoughts)? bc i found out that both can be affraid of the thoughts and feel shame about it. And the 2nd question can a suicidal ocd sufferer feel like what the thought says like "i just want to die" and feel like it to for a second, and then realizing it and being affraid of it?

I wrote this sobbing last night. Never written anything this easily - it literally poured out of me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had the feeling that my own actions could possibly save the lives of those I love. Whether it was my keeping my mom from dying in a tragic car accident and having a mental image of me staring at her casket flash in my mind or if it was keeping my brother safe from the boogeyman, I have always felt compelled to try something. If my actions, or what i later learned are compulsions can make a small difference and help keep someone safe, why would I not just walk back and check the light while counting to eleven three times in a row? It’s nonsensical. It’s illogical, but, yes, I still get these thoughts. It’s because I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD. My earliest obsession that I remember was about telling my little brother the same thing every night. He slept in the bunk bed above me and every night I would tell him “I love you. I have you have good dreams. Please know you can always talk to me about anything.” I said this to my brother ritually because my brain was telling me that if I didn’t my brother would die in his sleep and I’d never have the chance to tell him that. Or worse my brother would die and be mad at me, with me having no recourse to right my unsuspecting wrong prior to his unseemly and early demise. Again, it doesn’t make sense, but to a 9 year old it felt quite burdensome. Then came the religious aspect. It was around this time that I was exposed to Christianity and the idea of being saved. Through learning about the concept of heaven I was also taught that an inverse existed: hell. This would be my OCD’s playground for the next several years. I was taught the Lord’s Prayer and I felt that I had to say it a certain number of times each night in order for God to deem me, a lowly 9 year old sinner, as “worthy” of the kingdom. This number felt absolutely imperative that I complete the prayers otherwise I might die in my sleep and go to hell. So I stayed up and said the prayers over and over. To say the Lord’s Prayer over 100 times in an evening was exhausting for my brain. Then afterwards to have to convince myself that I had met my requisite demands and would be allowed into heaven. Then came puberty and picking my face. I had acne and I was extremely self conscious about it. I picked at my face and created scars only making things worse. I picked at my skin and would put paper clips under my fingernails because the pain allowed temporary relief. It was possibly to ease my mind because it was a distraction from the constant heavy stuff I was considering. This is also when the intrusive thoughts began to materialize and get worse. It would be near constant that when I was speaking with someone I would get strange sexual or violent intrusive thoughts. I had no desire to act on them and I was in fact utterly confused and disgusted by them. They only compounded my confusion - how could I, the person who just thought about pushing someone down the stairs or holding another dude’s hand, be worthy of heaven. It led me to question every sense of my being as a person. I didn’t have a foundation to question but I still felt more confused because these thoughts were coming from me, maybe I wasn’t worthy of heaven. Maybe I was even dangerous or worse a monster and needed to be kept away from people so that I didn’t cause pain. I didn’t know at the time that these strange violent or sexual thoughts were apart of my mental illness. A distressing prod from OCD followed by compulsions to pray or reassure myself about everything. My relationships in college included me constantly seeking reassurances from myself that my friends didn’t secretly hate me. I knew that it wasn’t normal because I was exhausted. I can remember thinking to myself why is nobody talking about this? And then I remember thinking, that I didn’t want to talk about it either because it involved weird, embarrassing or even taboo topics that my intrusive thoughts seized upon and weaponized my own worst fears against me. Amazing nobody wants to discuss that with their loved ones regularly. In law school, the pressure ratcheted up and I knew I wasn’t right with all the compulsions I had to do just to make it through the day. Between the mental aspects of dealing with absolute chaotic intrusive thoughts, reassuring myself i was a decent person and physical manifestations of compulsions like repeatedly checking my bottom floor apartment to ensure I hadn’t killed the 300 other tenants in the building - I was exhausted. Luckily, my then girlfriend now wife was able to make it through the mush that is my brain through sheer effort and love she convinced me to get help. I didn’t tell anyone but her and I remember hoping nobody recognized me as I walked in to see a psychiatrist. I’d like to say things got better there and I learned how to control things, but they didn’t necessarily get worse either. That’s one of the tricks that ocd plays on you. It makes you think you’re stuck in the middle of something and it’s incredibly daunting to make it out. You should just give up and give in to these compulsions rather than actually try to fight all this. I got married and had a child and became a lawyer all very quickly. It was a ton of change and my anxiety was heightened. Recently I’ve had debilitating panic attacks and have felt the a sense of terror surge though me that I have never felt before. My panic attacks can feel all consuming and physically manifest themselves with weird symptoms like my hands cramping from hyperventilating. I’m seeing a therapist and trying different medications to get the balance right. I know that I am less anxious when I practice self care. It’s a process that I’m trying to learn because for most of my adult life I’ve lived with this secret that I felt like was all my own. Nobody ever mentions this kind of suffering for obvious reasons and popular culture portrays ocd as a neat assigning of colors and rows. I believe if we talk about our struggles more openly and practice empathy with each other we can help people suffer less. I suffered silently for a long time because I was scared to death what people would think of me if they found out I was broken - but what I was unable to see was that there are others out there suffering too. We are stronger together if we talk about these things openly but it takes courage. I have debated on speaking out about my struggles for sometime but I read something recently and it cemented that I had to speak out. If I recover loudly maybe other won’t have to suffer silently. I believe if someone had spoken to me and told me this was a disorder in my brain, it could have saved me a lot of suffering. I want kids and teens to know that intrusive thoughts and ocd exist. If it means one less kid going to school tired from being up too late saying prayers then it is worth it. My pride is not more important than other people’s suffering. I’m in a position to speak out and positively impact people. If you or someone you love has OCD please know I’m walking this journey with you. I don’t have the answers but I do know we can beat this. Together.

TW 18+ I feel like I’m gonna die soon, whether it be by my own hand or some way somehow. I’m terrified rn, I don’t know what to do, I gave into a massive compulsion today and thought it would bring me peace but my false memories only got worse. I keep checking and asking and it does nothing. I asked Reddit for reassurance and while some did, I don’t know why or how, but some random spam accounts mentioned me on a post with a link, I didn’t see where it lead me to, but I reported and blocked the account. And now I’m paranoid I’m being watched and that I’m going to die soon, and a part of me wants that, nothing is ever going to better. I see that now, I’m not saying that about you guys, but I nothing will better, no matter what I do, nothing will be. I think I’ve finally reached that point

OCD & GAD & Panic Attacks My name is Marshall. I’ve had OCD my entire life and GAD as well. I believe I have a family history. However, I recently began experiencing severe & debilitating panic attacks. The intensity of the panic attacks is unlike anything I’ve felt before and included my face going numb, hands clawing inward, and other extremely uncomfortable symptoms of terror. Recently I was driving when this happened and I almost wrecked my car because I was having a panic attack. My hands began going numb and it became difficult to see straight. I luckily just passed a little blue H sign in a small town and walked into the ER. I told the nurse I was having a heart attack and basically passed out. I was told I had a severe panic attack but was medically okay including my heart. This should’ve made me feel better, but of course my ocd just twisted it and used it against me. I still have panic attacks and they’re excruciating. I’m trying to find the right balance of medication and therapy. I have noticed when I am stressed or don’t eat or don’t sleep enough I am more anxious and thus more likely to have a panic attack. I find that I’m avoiding doing things that may cause me any anxiousness to avoid a panic attack. I’ve read the studies and I don’t believe I’m dying but the intense terror response my body feels is difficult to describe in words. Often my OCD causes me to ruminate about something awful happening to people I love and it possibly being my fault. I will then mentally obsess over the situation and reassure myself that I’m a good person but sometimes the images associated with the intrusive thoughts are so disgusting to me I physically can’t take that any part of me whatsoever is associated with the noise spitting out of my brain. I am a former football player and I am competitive. I want to beat ocd but having bottled up these issues and basically treated myself through both healthy and unhealthy measures, I’ve come to realize I need help and that’s okay. I don’t want to suffer silently because I know there are others out there that are suffering similarly. If I recover loudly then maybe others won’t have to suffer silently. By no means do I have this under control but I love my life and don’t want this evil mental illness to consume me. I don’t want it to become the focal point of my marriage either. To know that others out there are suffering similarly means so much to me :) i hate that you have this too but I’m here with you. We’ve made it this far. I believe we are all beautifully flawed creatures that can help one another by exercising empathy and compassion. Fuck ocd

This is wat I’ve been trying to explain I have bout the bug spray on my carpet i would still feel this way if it was just a small amount and if it was something else besides bug spray my ocd has picked certain things that make me feel like they can cover entire places and be spread so if I touch my deodorant even deodorant at the store I have to wash my hands cause I feel if I don’t then it’ll spread if I scooted my deodorant across the floor I’ could literally see the line of contamination on the floor and it’s other things to I feel this way bout but obviously I handle these objects in small ways I’m not rubbing them everywere so when the guy sprayed he sprayed majority of the carpet and exposed me to alot all at once if he would’ve sprayed little areas like a couple times that would’ve been manageable I’ve been in a shocked state since Friday I’ve barely ate I’ve cried almost non stop my ears are ringing from not eating and getting lite headed over called everywere done everything to get out of here and get help and I’ve been denied doing exposures and responses are good in small amounts and you start low on your hiarchy this bug spray was like ripping a band aid off and being told watever ocd compulsion you need to do you can’t do them instead of starting off slow to learn you don’t need to do them it’s traumatizeing either way but less tramatizing the slower you go.

SOS pls. someone respond

if i am not my thoughts, who/what am i?

TW*** I dont know what to do, I really think im gay in denial and want to meet guys and do stuff. Hocd made me realize it, its giving me arousal and urges. Im literally unable to get out of bed and do things. I wake up and stay in bed glued to the phone until next morning, sleep, wake up, repeat. Its been like this for 4 months now What am I supposed to do man, Fml

Theses feelings feel… so real… I wanna cry…. It’s like I am living a nightmare… why is it randomly I know I love him and have feelings for him…? But most of the time I feel like I really don’t love him at all… 😢 I need help I really do.. I constantly deal with anxiety I dont wanna stop loving him… I don’t wanna be his ex I Just want to know I love him!! That’s all!! All I want is my feelings to come back and to know that I love him when I don’t feel love… I fucking hate this…

Hello everyone. I need a friend to talk to... Please don't hate me... I just need to vent because I've been crying over this. When me and my gf started dating, I had this horrible intrusive thoughts of "do I deserve better?" and I feel like I half-agreed with them... It was a very selfish moment of me I feel so guilty non-stop after those initial thoughts. I can't stop thinking about how disgusting I am and how she deserves so much better. She's so caring and so loving. She's my definition of perfect They happened during periods of time when I don't experience romantic feelings for her.... Idk why they happen.... They just do. I feel completely aromantic (person incapable of experiencing romantic feelings) sometimes.... And it brings these awful thoughts. I just keep feeling that she deserves so much better than me... And I have been crying feeling like I don't deserve her...

How do you deal with the intrusive thoughts around babies about you doing something bad to them? I'm constantly getting these thoughts while babysitting my cousin even though I wouldn't do bad things these thoughts bother me so much