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I hate saying the guy that I want is not grown enough when I don’t want girls and I said I keep acting I’m so sorry I keep acting weird with a smile and then I said more than he’s not girly and then said girly enough when he’s not girly at all and I don’t want them to be girly and I’m scared! I felt funny over a much bigger more muscular guy and I’m scared I don’t want to start feeling attraction any other guy let alone any other body type I’ve never liked big muscular dude and I feel funny I don’t want to find any other man attractive especially not a bulky like bodybuilder guy and I’m scared I feel funny and I’m smiling like I am I’m not bisexual I’m not adding a team and I don’t want to find muscular bodybuilders attractive I’m scared because the ones I looked up on Google gross but I’m scared this one isn’t I feel funny I don’t want to open up to more guys or other men no matter how hopeless my situation with my guy is because he doesn’t know me but I’ve been in love with him for a long time and I don’t wanna talk about it in more detail than that but I’m scared I really feel funny like I do because the video I saw was that the guy the muscular guy I’m scared I like all kinds I don’t want to like all kinds I just want my guy but the muscular guy was having some kind of competition I think it was from England because I had accents I keep saying he’s cute I don’t want muscular guys to be cute and I’m not trying to be mean but he was hanging on a bar and I guess it was a competition to see how long he could hang there and he was really muscular and to keep feeling funny my stomach saying he’s he’s not cute I don’t want him to be! I don’t want my guy to go away and when I look at pictures of my guy I’m scared I’m not reacting like I used to know I’m scared it’s getting replaced like I’ve always battled like maybe he is but he’s not too skinny I love my guy he’s gotten in shape now but I would love him no matter what like I’ve seen him at his worst and I still wanted to do him lol not just do him but I’m trying to be lighthearted. But now I’m scared him I don’t want to move on to bigger and I keep saying that but it’s never been better to me before I don’t want bigger more muscular guys and I keeps acting like I’m adding when I don’t want boobs I’m not bisexual I’m not in the middle I’m scared I felt weird and funny and did a weird kind of like gesture with my mouth but I don’t want vagina or clitoris I don’t want I keep acting like but it’s not sucks I don’t want the vaginal canal and I’m scared the muscle guy pushed out my guy I don’t want the muscle guy I want my guy and I’m fine he really is and I felt super funny my stomach and remembering the more muscular arms I don’t want any guy to be more tractive than mine I don’t wanna move on and I’m scared it’s a sign I don’t want to move on I really don’t want a more muscular guy but I’m scared I feel funny I’m smiling and feeling funny my stomach like this guy he’s not special I’m scared he is currently ask and he’s not I’m scared I am I’m not moving on my guy is not a toothache especially not anymore and it doesn’t matter I want my God I want him to come back I don’t want the bigger muscular guy to push them out I’m scared to sign like not but my guys the guy from you no matter what happens in that scenario I don’t want another person I’m smiling I’m scared I should I don’t want to move onto muscles I’m scared I’ve always wanted that because I criticize my guys so much even though I don’t intend to but I’m OK I just can’t stand it! I looked at much more muscular guys in the dude I looked at in skies that are similar to the guy that I looked at you know the one hanging from the bar in the competition I’m scared I said the sexy he’s not a sexy when I keep feeling funny I don’t want another guy

I had this thing happen to me last night and posted about it but got no replies im just gonna post it again, if anyone is willing to see and talk to me about it pls Its currently 5 am, I was going through a bad anxiety attack, went to the bathroom to get cleaned up and get ready for morning prayers, anyways I started googling about my previous experiences (pre ocd) that caused me anxiety back then and the memories that are serving as proof that I am these thoughts. Quick 20 mins of search and reading into different things about why I felt what I felt, I had bit of a clarity, just a sliver of it , something i havent felt in almost 12-14 months and I felt like I am not trans, I am a man and my anxiety dissipated when I came out of the bathroom. I felt so light and this boost of energy for a few seconds and I was getting these future visions of good things happening. I just got done with my prayers and laid in my bed to type this post, it went away, that feeling, Im doubting it really bad again and think that was just a mistake and getting confusions and proof in my head again and I know I actually im trans, smh. I might actually call the therapist tommorow, I dont feel like doing it bc I think I am these thoughts but Im going to call him regardless bc its kind of ridiculous to think that I went 20 plus years liking only the opposite sex and never doubting my gender. Even though the proof that I got it all wrong makes complete sense to me in my head, I think I will give him a call. Ahh and as I finish writing this, the shitty feelings are back again. Sorry this turned out be a long post, fuck, now i think this whole post was a mistake, Im going to post it regardless before I delete it. Fuck

So this isn’t OCD related at all I just need to vent and this community is very helpful that maybe someone will relate or help in a way I guess. Work has sucked lately. I’ve had a crush on my guy best friend for the longest time and he just recently got out of a bad relationship. My girl best friend was in a relationship and then recently they mutually decided to go on a “break”. She knew I had a crush on my guy best friend and even when they were both in relationships they would flirt with each other but he told me a long time ago it meant nothing they were just playing around. So I found out yesterday that they were flirting hard core when I was off work Friday last week and he called her “babe” and was all over each other and one of my friends who is a guy and is best friends with him told me that one night he stayed over at his house and admitted that my guy best friend and my girl best friend have been sexting each other when she told me she would never do that to me because she knew I liked him and he told me he wasn’t going to get with her because he is close friends with her now on a “break” ex boyfriend and it was off limits because he didn’t want to break the “bro code” or whatever it’s called. I was in a group chat with them and a couple other friends of mine and I left the group chat because I don’t want anything to do with either of them. I don’t even want to be “best friends” anymore with either of them. I feel betrayed in a way. I wish they could of just been honest with me but I had to find out from 2 of my other friends who already knew. Apparently I was the only one who didn’t know. They should of told me. I even told my guy best friend if you end up with someone cool just don’t let it get in between our friendship because I knew if he got with her that it was going to cause a problem between all of our friendships and unfortunately I work with all of them. When I left the group chat today one of my other friends that was in the group told me and showed me a message my so called best friend sent her saying that I needed to grow the f up. I’m sorry? You both were supposed to be my friends? Best friends! And you put you both in a situation where you would lose me. I told myself the other day if they ended up together I would distance myself or cut ties. I feel so stupid. I thought they were my friends. My guy best friend knew too that I liked him and made it quite clear that he didn’t like me that he liked her more because she’s willing to give what I can’t because I’m waiting for marriage. I genuinely liked him. I wasn’t in it for that. I wanted to be with him. I thought maybe if he took some time to focus on himself maybe then something could happen but then he goes after my best friend. I feel insecure, hurt, and stupid. I’m so sorry I just really needed to vent and talk this out because it fing hurts. I feel like I’ve lost 2 really close friends today and I value my friendships. Apparently they don’t. Maybe I’m overreacting my other friends think that I’m not that they are the ones that need to grow up but I can’t help but feel bad because I feel like because she said I need to grow the f up that maybe I’m the problem

Happy Monday everyone ♥️ wanted to share something that came from a conversation with my therapist last week. It’s really helped me notice when I’m starting ruminate much sooner, so hope it helps someone else too. ‘When you’re stuck deciding what to do, your nervous system is already activated, instead of deciding, get grounded and return to the things you enjoy’ Anyone else have any helpful things they’ve picked up in the last week they would like to share? We’ve got this ♥️♥️

Does anybody wants to talk about something ? I’m open to

I was excited bout getting help when I went to Vanderbilt behavioral health I called them twice to make sure I could come down me get admitted i had a hard time packing cause my apartment feels contaminated to me cause bug spray was sprayed on majority of my carpet and cause I can’t let me stuff touch and it has to be packed individually so I decided not to pack I always have a hard time going threw admissions cause they gotta touch my clothes and they gotta go threw my stuff and it tramatizes me cause there touching everything and all my stuffs touching and then I can’t tell them wat I’m going threw cause they don’t understand ocd they suggest putting gloves on to touch my stuff if it was that fucking simple I wouldn’t need help ocd is irrational there is no logical way of doing stuff if gloves helped I’d be fucking wearing them and I would’ve suggested it anyone wit ocd understands that if they’ve tried to find ways of doing stuff easier they always try to find a way to make there ocd habits easier they think of everything but I came to the psychiatric hospital at 10 30 they closed at 11 and noone was there so they told us to go to the emergency room there and I’d be admitted threw there so I go in and get everything done I’m waiting we get into a room and round 3 I do my over the computer meeting wit the psychiatrist ppl and get told they don’t have any beds that they’d move me upstairs into my own room so I could rest instead of being in the loud emergency room so I staid up while my bf laid down then round 4 o’clock noone came so I laid down and woke up at 8 still nothing I asked when I’d be moved upstairs so I could rest they told me they don’t take ppl upstairs they don’t even no wat someone would tell me that for so I’m tired and hungry and decide to leave freaking out that all I wanted was help I even maid sure I called and asked every question so I new I could get this done but my bf decides to drive me back to the psychiatrist part and tlk to them to tell them I need help that we’ve been in the emergency room since 10 yesterday they told him to bring me in that I could lay down I just had to tlk to some ppl and that my bf could stay wit me then the nurse comes tells me they have no beds I won’t be able to go to bed there and my bf come back wit me to tlk to the doctor wit me they maid it almost impossible for me to leave but we finally were able to and our in a hotel I’m glad we’ve came to Nashville previously and new a nice cheap hotel and they allowed us to check in early im so greatfull for the ppl here that let us check in early I had to go in the negative for this room but I’m on a wierd schedule I’m up till 4 in the morning trying to stay up late to hang on to every less frustrating moment of the day that I deal wit ocd I wanna stay up and be on my phone and have parts of the day we’re I’m not cleaning and doing rituals and I don’t get up till round 3 so I’ve had 4 hours of rest if that I already have problems at nite and now that this guy sprayed bug spray in my apartment I have extreme nite terrors I literally thought I had a seizure the other nite cause I woke up and I swear my hole entire body was shakeing when I googled it it had that it could’ve been extreme nite terrors and I did all this to go to a hospital that doesn’t specialize in ocd that I new wouldn’t be able to actually help that but atleast could’ve got me on medicine and helped me relax in the hospital to feel better for a few days and maybe help call places for me that help wit ocd so I could go there cause I’ve been calling everywere the past 2 weeks to get someone who specializes in ocd and there’s none in Tennessee and nowere takes my insurance I’ve always tried getting help I’ve been to hospitals I’ve seen therapists I’ve seen doctors noones ever understood the severity of my ocd noone was ever treating my ocd I go threw admissions traumatized and the nurses don’t get it I’m left in a room dealing wit the repercussions of wat I went threw like cleaning off everything they touched and when they strip search me I have to take my clothes off and on like a normal person and take my hair down and put it back up like a normal person but I have rituals and certain ways of dressing and undressing and takeing down and putting my hair up so I sit in my room redoing those Actions the way I want to cause I’ve been doing this for 15 years it’s hard to just stop doing all these things all at once but do you think anyone checked up on me do you think anyone cared that I was panicking to wear they gave me kolonopins as soon as I wlk in the door they didn’t care cause I seem normal but I have ocd and the stuff ppl wit ocd go threw is real and when we can’t do a certain thing we feel we need to do it feels like we’re slowly dieing takeing everything from you and expecting you to just stop all these things all at once should be illegal but they don’t understand the pain it causes cause they don’t understand ocd but fuck you to any place that doesn’t accept medicaid fuck everyone who has looked at me and tlk shit to me cause of my ocd bothering them my ocd is fucking real I’ve been doing this for 15 years by myself not told a ducking sole till a couple weeks ago and I try confideing to them and tell them my ocd so they can understand if I tell them I can’t do something I really can’t do they can stop being so mean to me when I tell them I stay up late to hold onto every minute of not so much ocd cause as soon as I open my eyes it’s ocd and all the rituals I have to get done today i also have anxiety and depression and if I’m tired my ocd is way worse I need rest so I can be focused when I trying to focus washing my hands and not touching the sink my eyes need to be sharp I’m done though I’ve got 15 years begging for help trying to tlk to my bf and family trying to help them understand me trying to get the care I need trying to get better so I can love a better life but fuck it I’m gonna get some rest and spend some time alone I’m done wit this though.

Really struggling at the moment with sexuality OCD, getting to the point where I’m constantly on the verge of tears, I’m avoiding watching movies, Netflix series, scrolling through Instagram and tiktok. I’m 18 and everyone around me seems to be bi, but I’m so scared I’m not attracted to guys anymore. I want children and I have always wanted to be with a guy, now I can barely look at anyone and I can’t even think about being in a relationship. My brain is like ‘your lying to yourself’ ‘what if your gay’ etc. I can’t do anything anymore, I just want to hide and curl up. Anyone else feel like this.. I’m scared I’m in denial or something, I have never been formally diagnosed but I’ve had so many other themes, I’m scared it’s not ocd and I’m using it as an excuse.. I just want to go back to normal

So I completed treatment on December 7th. I am so proud of myself. I want to share my story more publicly and be an OCD advocate. I eventually want to become an OCD therapist, so I think this would be a good next step. But I have a question How do I become a peer advocate on this site? Is it something I have to apply for? Second, I feel a lot of shame and guilt as a result of some of the intrusive thoughts I have had in the past, especially the ones related to harm and suicide OCD? Any ideas on how to overcome that?

I would like some advice about false memories. I’m struggling to reason with myself and I can’t afford a therapist

I’m at the hospital in Nashville I have contamination ocd but wit items that aren’t dirty like my deodorant can’t touch my qtips and anything else cause then I think the deodorants on the item it touched I also feel this way bout laundry detergent so when I wash my clothes at the laundry mat I have to wash my hands when I open the doors cause other ppl there touch there laundry detergent bottle then touch the handle so I think the laundry detergent is on the handle I have to by a new laundry bag everytime cause it’s clean I have to hold it wit 1 hand then take mt clothes out witout them touching anything then take them home wash my hands open the bag wash my hands again then open my individual clothes bags I have cause I can’t use a dresser and hang up clothes they have to be in something that closes and carefully put mt clothes in the bags witout them touching anything I also have a plastic tote bag for my dirty clothes I keep mt deodorant qtips and face pads on a shelf none can touch eachother and I need to use all 3 of those during my dressing rituals and when I put on deodorant clean my ears and clean my face put on makeup wash my hair and body it’s all done a certain way like top to bottom left to rite counting them all in like a grid in my mind and when I wash my hair I have to put my hair products in none can touch them I brush it and blow dry it and have to put my hair up even if I straighten it I have to put it up first then take it down to straighten it I always have to wash my hands when I touch any kind of container my ocd makes me think is contaminated but not in a dirt and germs way I can’t use certain products like serums under eye patches dark circle stuff I can’t use certain brands of stuff I can’t wear certain colors I can’t txt certain words I have to take 2 pictures of something and watch the video twice to send it I can’t do alot on social media I can’t eat at certain restaurants my ocd makes me think I can’t do these things some are cause something happened and it makes me think those things will happen if I do some of these things my ocd makes me scared of i wear my bras in order I wear my clothes a certain way I can’t wear certain clothes together I get nervous when positive things happen in my life I always feel like I don’t deserve it and it makes it hard for me to enjoy these positive things that happen I’ve been on ssi for awhile now I’m 29 I have 4 kids that my mom has to take care of cause I left my husband and couldn’t do it by myself and my ocd is to debilitating to even be able to take care of them it’s been extremely hard I’ve told ppl I’m miserable that I have ocd and they just can’t seem to help cause I appear normal I need help and I just hope someone can speak up for me and get me into an ocd residential facility I need an ocd therapist I need to get better I want to live a better life get help shortening rituals to were there completely gone atleast almost non existent help me to be able to keep containers together be able to just pack a bag and leave my hygiene stuff out not have to clean everything off and leave them in a clean space I’m desperate.

I can’t remember how long ago I posted but I’d really appreciate it if I could talk about something with someone, please? 🥺🙏🏻

TW POCD and Real Event OCD I’m so scared of the past and the what if’s. I’m scared to death of what if the mistake I made a few years ago puts me in the same category as a really bad person like a p or a criminal or something like that which I truly hope it’s not true. I would do anything to go back and change everything knowing what I know now. How could I have been so stupid back then!? Ugh what am I going to do?! I’m terrified! It’s haunting me. I feel like my past is suffocating me. I just don’t know and it frustrates me because I don’t think I will ever know. I just want someone to tell me I’m not but I don’t think it matters at this point. I’m always going to be haunted by my stupid choices in the past when I was a teenager when will I ever let this go 💔

I’m going wit my bf down to a mental hospital there not really for ocd just a regular mental hospital and I no they can’t really help all my ocd problems but I’m so depressed from my ocd and not taking care of myself and haveing really high anxiety I just feel hopeless so I no I need to get somewere and get medication and be safe for a few days away from my apartment I have a really nice apartment we just moved to but they sprayed our brand new carpets wit bug spray and I’ve just been extremely upset since I feel everything’s contaminated I don’t want stuff touching the carpet which has been hard since there’s alot of carpet in here but it’s not the just the carpet it’s affecting other parts of my life and ocd and makeing other things hard I need help but going threw admissions we’re there touch your stuff and make you undress and take your hair down is all hard for me cause I have to do those things a certain way and wash my hands prior to just takeing my hair down but they don’t understand the at in the hospital so I just have to do it then go in my room and wash my hands and redo it all the way I’ve been doing it for 15 years so I can’t just stop all these things rite away but they see me as not cooperating when I tell them I have ocd and it’s just hard for me to do so I’m going there witout anything so they don’t have to touch my stuff which isn’t fair I wish I could just get help.

Let me tell you about the last two years I’ve had and maybe it will make sense to me through telling you, why my ocd came back. Let me start by saying I’ve moved 5 times in the past 2 years and I’ve gone from London to Glasgow. After quitting a finance job which I hated, and being cheated on by a long term partner who I dumped, I started working and studying as an artist. This was my dream. Lockdown happened soon after and the studio I was with went bankrupt. I begun to finally open up in therapy about my childhood and the abuse I suffered. I made good progress with this and have grown. I caught covid in the first wave however and it destroyed my health. So I spent a lot of time building up my strength and actually got very into bodybuilding. Unfortunately the woman I fell in love with through my art turned out to be married though. I hasn’t understood at first and I loved her with everything I had. She told me her husband abused her and that she was leaving him. So I took her in and looked after her. One day she left me, with no explanation, but I later found out she’d gone back to him for money. I have never felt more betrayed or used but I was naive. Two days after this happened, last July, my cousin who is also my best friend told me he couldn’t afford the rent. He said we’d look for somewhere together. I then found out he had signed a house with some friends and didn’t know how to tell me. Nothing malicious just a bit cowardly and didn’t give me a chance. I was left without my partner and best friend and with no studio or place to live. So heartbroken, I took on a family job and moved to Scotland but carried on art part time. I went from hard earned post-covid fitness and became an alcoholic though, and addicted to smoking on 40 a day. I ended up with kidney stones and a stomach ulcer. Then my dog nearly died! Had to have an operation that cost 10,000 pounds! He pulled through thankfully. After sleeping around which is really unlike me I fell into a relationship with someone who seemed really stable and I tried to get my act together. Then another lockdown happened and we spent more time together. She ended up being abusive and demeaned me constantly. On two occasions she hit me during sex without consent. I left her after a short time. At this time my mum became very ill with pancreatitis. She nearly died and I wasn’t allowed to visit her. I had to look into her frightened eyes on FaceTime. I felt responsible because i’d told her that I’d been sexually abused as a child only months earlier. Unfortunately it was her mistake which had allowed the predator to attack me and I’d hid it for 24 years from my family out of shame. This is when ocd struck hard! Constant doubt, fears of betrayal, imagined situations and compulsions to try and protect myself. I’ve been clean from alcohol and smoking for 8 months. I found an ocd therapist and have been working hard. I met a wonderful partner who recently moved in with me. I have moved from partner to partner but I think some people are like that. I just like being in a relationship and I want to find the right person. I know think I have. She’s very sweet, and kind and supportive of my Ocd. Things have been hard at times. She has MS, and a week after she moved in, her mum nearly died of covid and was in a respirator for a month. She luckily pulled through with a 1 in 2 chance. This all triggered her MS which had been in remission. I have been acting as her carer while trying to recover from ocd. Some of my ocd has been around betrayal and cheating, so it’s been hard work to separate this from the relationship and see it in the context of trauma and abuse. To top it off the covid backlog caused a delay in her lifesaving medication so I went to our mp and the ceo of our health board to get her immediate access. It was a hard battle but we won and it’s saved her life. All that pressure was on me because I knew I could help and I love her. I have just had the biggest ocd episode today that’s lasted 7 hours of repeated checking and I’m completely lost. But really I think I’m doing alright considering. It’s no surprise my Ocd came back and to even to begin to be in recovery after the time I’ve had, and to have had a few good weeks, to be able to support someone in a relationship and to experience love, I think I’m one strong, resilient motherfucker. Fuck 2021. Fuck depression. Fuck Ocd. If I can survive that, I can survive anything. I love myself just for still being here when it would have been so much easier not to. But I won’t give up. Ever. And one day soon the tide will change in my favour and I hope that these tests have given me the strength to make the most of a good life.

TW* The physical symptoms of anxiety and depression are devastating me man, its so hard to do anything. This is really happening, first my hocd thoughts come true and now Im trans. Thinking about coming out is tiving me so much anxiety and fear this surely means I am that thing. It feels like I never really understood what love meant and and how relationships worked and I was just following what people around me wered doing ie chasing girls which is why I wanted gf and liked girls, even my sexual attraction to them Ive told myself was fake and not real and true. My whole life, every interaction pretty much seems/serves as a big proof that im gay/trans. I dont know what to do. I feel really ill. Something that made genuienly depressed me yesterday was that my mother is having trouble with my dad and i told her stop bothering with him and leave him be she said " I want to leave him for real and If i can be strong for her and my little brother that is all i want, we're in America, there is so many opportunitues". I fucking hated hearing those words from her, I cant take care of myself one bit, how am I going to give her and my little bro a good life. I wish she could just forget that I exist, so I can deal with this fucking shitshow of a life in peace or better yet just Kms.

I have been married for 18years and have been with my wife for a total of 20 years. Our lives have taken on completely separate paths. I am the only one working because we moved to another state 6 years ago for my job. She has not been able to find good work with her skill sets. She has had countless jobs since the move but nothing steady. I told her to quit multiple times and she has. She is now in school but stopped because she said she hated the way she was being treated. It was an online program. She has since began a certification program with the idea that once she achieves that she will reenroll in school to finish her degree. I am totally supportive of her choices and want her to be successful.   I have OCD and also have an amazing career. She has been super supportive of me. I will never question or accuse her of not being supportive. But we are now getting ready for divorce. My OCD has caused a lot of strife and negativity in our marriage. I have also had "inappropriate" relationships with other women that I have worked with. Let me expand on this... I have never physically cheated or come close to that.   Maybe 5 years ago I was having a conversation with a woman whom I had worked with about our miscarriages and she was telling me similar information about her inability to get pregnant. It was an honest and raw conversation. I felt like if I wanted to I could kiss her. I am not sure why I felt that way but I did. Maybe it was that we were connecting on a empathetic level about things that were incredibly difficult to deal with. I felt so guilty that I confessed to my wife this information. You see, that's what I do to relieve the anxiety. I ruminate and need to confess. It sucks. Another time my wife and I went out with another couple. I worked with both of them but closely with the wife of the couple. We developed a very friendly relationship and when we were out we were talking closely and laughing and she touched my arm flirtatiously. My wife was so pissed and I now have had another “inappropriate”relationship in her mind.   I also had a coworker woman at another job that I reassured and helped a bit by being supportive during some work strife. I helped get some games and stuff together from the staff when her daughter was in the hospital. We went to a one day training and had lunch but nothing more. Most of these situations I knew there was a bit of attraction but I would never go as far as acting on that. No secret texts, get togethers, or emails or things like that. Nothing physical or intimate.   Speaking of, my wife and I have intimacy issues and have for a long time. There are reasons which are not for me to share. She also has a terrible relationship with her family mostly. I am not sure how to be any more supportive of her regarding her stuff. The patience and understanding has worn thin or is no longer in existence. Everyday is another day filled with tension, frustration, and general unhappiness. The magnitude of what I have done to create a space of negativity is really setting in. We fought again today and she told me she hated me and to F off. It was intense. There is a bunch of anger, resentment, animosity, frustration, and deep wounds that she carries towards me. My wife is built to not forgive or forget. She remembers everything and if anyone crosses her she is deeply wounded.   I know that my OCD has been a big part of our issues. I try to own that as best I can. Its hard for me to hear things like I am the reason why she stopped school or that she is going to move across the country to get away from me, that I am untrustworthy and that I have betrayed her. I don’t really have a response to them because she felt like her school was mistreating her and she wanted to switch schools which I completely supported and helped with but the transfer credits didn’t add up to being done quicker so she ended up starting a certification program instead and will reenroll in school again soon. So is my betrayal the reason or is it way to blame me? I do get defensive a bit because I feel like I didn’t do really anything. But I also need to understand that if she feels these things that she tells me, that is her reality and I have to be ok with that. While I feel like I didn’t do anything really, to her I did and I cannot change that. I feel sick over all of this. I look at her and can’t believe that I cause(d) her so much pain and suffering but I have. Some of my actions are OCD related for sure. It governs everything. I am in therapy and on meds but this is an anxiety driven mental illness. So the way that things are between us right now is brutal. She suggests that I use it as an excuse for poor behavior or to make bad decisions. This I cannot answer as I want to hold myself accountable for my actions and thoughts. We have talked about the “inappropriate” relationships countless times and I now just agree with her that I have betrayed her even though I am not too sure. She asked me if I would have divorced her if the tables were turned and I said yes. But I don’t know. It is easier to just agree than to fight about it. If I don’t agree with her than I am bot taking responsibility or if I defend myself than I am gaslighting her.   I feel so responsible for everything that has gone wrong in my marriage. If I don’t own everything that I do or say or not do or not say or when I have OCD about something and I confess, then I am the common denominator in my marriage downfall. Its all me. I am the failure with all if my OCD and character flaws.   I have no excuses other than to try to cope. I am so ashamed of everything... my confessions, these “improper” relationships, the time that I was wasted and said some things to my wife and she will never forget or forgive me for. She says that she is scared of me, I make poor choices with many things, that I am a narcissist, I don’t pay attention to her, I don’t care about her. I have never been abusive towards her in any way. I try to build up instead of tear down. I am not perfect obviously, but that is just in my nature to be positive and want to help. But at different tomes, OCD has made me confess dark and shameful thoughts. My Dad died in July and there was a celebration of life in August. I flew back home to be with my Mom and to coordinate. My wife stayed here with our dog. We fought the entire time I was there and she reminded me that she was leaving me because of what I described above. The other time I went back for the celebration of life, we fought again the entire time. I have never felt so alone and disconnected. I am not sure I have even grieved yet. Too much guilt and anxiety from the marital problems. I am a mess and needed to get some of this out. Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it.

I’m suffering from ROCD and yesterday I felt so overwhelmed with everything that I suddenly bursted into tears in front of my boyfriend. I wanted to break up and told him that I feel very uncomfortable since a few weeks and that I miss my home and my family. I just wanted to run away. He didn’t know that I wanted to break up, he calmed me and took me in his arms. Then we fell both asleep and I was doing better afterwards. But now I feel ao devastated that I had this break up urge. I don’t know what to do now. I want to stay with him. This conversation yesterday changed my point of view. But I feel the need to confessto him what I wanted to say yesterday. But he would be so devastated. I feel so lost 🥺 I love him and I want to stay.

Does anyone experience a worry or thought that your partner doesn’t want to be with you or doesn’t want a future with you? Like my thoughts are telling me this and they feel so real. :( like I don’t want this to be a thought and there’s no real indicators that he doesn’t we have been together for 2.5 years. I just have this fear maybe ?

I am embarrassed by the amount of times I’ve posted. I’m determined to get that number down by not posting tomorrow. I may comment but I am determined not to post. Doesn’t matter cause people don’t seem to see my stuff anyway So I work as a dishwasher in a restaurant in downtown Pasadena. I worked with this girl with a lesbian and she made a very obvious and I’m not even being mean she straight up said it. And told me about her history. I mean I’ve been spiking on and off pretty bad probably since I started working here and maybe not directly because of that although it probably didn’t help. But today that coworker came up to me and was I’m scared she’s she’s not cute and I said something about snaggletooth but it’s just that she’s a girl I don’t really care their teeth are not perfect. My guys teeth aren’t perfect they’re nice but they’re not perfect and I don’t care. But she came up to me and I keep saying stuff like she’s but she’s not cute. Not like that. Personality’s cool but I don’t swing that way but I’m scared that I don’t have confidence in that but I do genuinely doubt. Then I thought of a model like I do but I don’t find any shape or size of a woman’s chest or body parts attractive or just them in general all encompassing. Anyway this culture comes up to me and I keep feeling like because she’s smiling and I act like that is but it’s not cute but she’s smiling and I’m instantaneously suspicious. Because of the way it is I’m like I’m always suspicious when someone’s like I have to ask you something proceeds to smile and I keep getting scared saying that she’s not cute I don’t swing both ways I’m scared when I told her that I’m straight I wasn’t lying but now I feel weird as I am but I’m not lying! So she told me a guy coworker likes me and I was already able to get her a buzz. And I feel bad because it’s not like the guys not nice but I’m not attracted to him and he came onto strong and seems bit too sensitive and the weird thing is the guy I want is incredibly sensitive but somehow not delicate. I don’t know if it’s just because the person you want they could be or they could have a certain trait in you’re fine with it but if someone else has the same trait and you don’t like them then it bugs you. But when the coworker told me that I keep feeling weird thinking of how she was like smiling at me and I don’t like women and now I said him I’m more than like my guy don’t like the dude she’s talking about. I can’t get over the smile and I my heart feels funny but I don’t like her or any woman like that I don’t know why my heart feels funny and I imagine because she’s smiling at me and she’s close like it’s not just that it’s also that I have a really really sensitive sense of personal space. For someone who is so small I need a great deal of personal space it’s weird. And I looked and she’s like oh I’m not hitting on you I’m like well that’s good but I’m still panicking a little bit I’m like stop it you’re being an idiot. And she like someone likes you and I’m scared I keep saying she’s but she’s not cute and I don’t swing that way and I’m scared I can’t say that with confidence anymore and I hate it! I don’t like her and I looked at her lips and I thought of and I’m scared I didn’t really feel anything I don’t know if I felt anything imagine kissing her when she’s talking like that right close to me but I pushed it aside and I know I don’t want that and when I said I’m straight I was telling the truth. And then she said no it’s a guy that likes you my God thank God and there was her leave and I’m like no offense and she didn’t take it personally. I keep saying she’s she’s not that cute not that kind. And I don’t know if it’s the amount of pills I’ve taken like Tylenol p.m. because I took a Tylenol p.m. full strength so it’s like two pills and magnesium tablet like the vitamin. And I am fucking feeling it like I am so heavy in my head. But has anyone ever experienced this? Like I was looking at her with her girlfriend and I feel weird because I’m I said there’s nothing wrong with thinking of boobs but there’s everything went wrong with my thoughts and I’m like oh wow that’s exactly the opposite how I feel or that’s how I feel about guys not girls like I look at them and I realize that’s really not me. And I don’t like thinking there’s nothing wrong with my thoughts because I don’t like them but I don’t like realizing all does nothing wrong thinking of when you don’t like them but there I don’t wanna think there’s nothing wrong I don’t it doesn’t feel right that’s for sure it doesn’t feel good those kind of thoughts about females and their body parts don’t do it for me so I don’t like thinking all there’s nothing wrong with having those thoughts there is it’s not right for me. But looking at them like I’m like oh well I’m really not like that it’s just not me and I don’t mean like that as in good or bad it’s just not me. And I’m scared when I said that I imagined round boobs in squeezing them like I do when I imagine but I don’t want to do a guys and babies do I don’t want to do that so the sites are wrong to me. And that was after I looked at them to get annoying I don’t feel like that about the same and I said about but I feel the same about guys not the same sex I don’t like insinuating otherwise. And I don’t know why I feel bad that I said the guys too sensitive when I really very much more than like a sensitive guy and I’m scared that I don’t and he is too but I don’t want anything to put me off my god he’s I’ll think he’s too sensitive I don’t know if it’s just the way he handles it’s probably different I’m scared he is and I don’t want to be like that. Like my mom who’s kind of hard as sometimes about guys being too sensitive like she acts like she’s sensitive but then she can be kind of callous sometimes. I love sensitive guys but I just don’t like this particular one

Does anyone else feel like they are constantly in trouble or doing something wrong? I think that way every day.