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Please help me. I have not used this app in months, but I am actually lost. 1.) I have been BEGGING to go back to therapy for my OCD for months. (Around five to six months now) My mom always tells me that she’s doing the best she can or genuinely gets annoyed (it’s like she gets mad when I try to bring it up) the thing is I would understand if she didn’t have the money for me to go back to therapy, but she constant buys food that is the worth of the bill she needs to pay to let me go back into therapy. So basically, she owes my therapist 100 dollars. It’s been six months. She makes a lot of money. She just doesn’t think my OCD is important. 2.) Everything in my life is triggering. It’s to the point where the thought of not doing a compulsion, makes me break down. I try erp, but I don’t think I can without a therapist. I’ve used this app to help me with erp. I need professional help. I feel as if I won’t get help for months ahead. 3.) I am really isolated, and I don’t have a way to socially have contact with irl people. I have a boyfriend and he is pretty much the only person I see outside of family. I’ve been homeschooled for years, so I’ve lost touch with the people I was friends with in school. If I do want to see or do anything (even going to the store for something and sometimes seeing my bf I have to DEEP clean the whole house) the isolation has caused me to not even be able to look at my family in the eyes. I feel so crippled and stuck. What should I do? I’m thinking about telling my mom I need to go to hospital for a long stay. The last time I did that the bill was 12,000, and it was a very traumatic stay, but I am so mentally ill from my OCD. I feel like every option I have is something I’ve tried. Merry Christmas btw if you actually read this. Also you don’t have to pity me or reassure me. If you’d like to comment, please give me advice on how to approach this situation.

I lost two of my best friends lately from stupid drama. That on top of dealing with OCD (especially real event right now) and it being the first Christmas without my dad really sucks. I don’t think I can handle it

I've had OCD for 30+ years now. Started when I was 13. I live each day doing rituals in my head, pretty much 24/7, so that I can live a "good" life and that my family won't be harmed. I primarily suffer from Magical thinking. Like if I don't do my rituals or I screw them up harm might be done to things I love. It sucks. It's debilitating.

TW I wish I could talk to someone I don’t wanna wake up tomorrow I thought of Pete Davidson and I’m scared because I said she is I don’t I’m not I keep saying to myself but I’m not in the middle I’m not bisexual Kim Kardashians not hotter and I feel weird because I’ve seen her naked and I don’t like her boobs and I keep thinking of her naked and feeling funny like I don’t know what to feel her boobs are not sexy and I thought that Pete Davidson is weird because he keeps going for people who are so much older than him. And I’m not here to discuss whether it’s right or wrong you know grown adults will do what they do but I thought old me because his mom is and I thought of her big round boobs pushing up and off the chest cavity I don’t like big round boobs or not hot Kim Kardashian‘s not hot either his mom is not hot like oh maybe he has some weird mom issue and that’s where that thought came from. I don’t even give a damn about Pete Davidson i’m not I’m scared I must be because I said I meant to say Pete Davidson or Kim Kardashian then said she’s thinking of her boobs and smacking my lips but she’s not luscious I’m scared to sabotage she wouldn’t I don’t know how to feel I keep calling them big and hot and smacking my lips but they’re not delicious I said she wouldn’t go for me I wouldn’t go for her I don’t wanna go I said spoiled I don’t care I don’t I almost all my God I meant to say that I don’t care if she’s spoiled and I ended up saying repeatedly don’t care if she’s a girl I do care if she’s a girl I don’t like girls I care I don’t like girls I do care if she is I don’t like her I’m scared I keep remembering her naked and feeling funny why can’t I stop saying I don’t I do care if she’s a girls and she is I don’t want and I don’t know how I feel about that I keep calling them but they’re not sexy I don’t want her big round boobs why can’t I stop saying don’t I do care about I don’t care about her I do care about guys him not her not Davidson someone else I’m sorry. I keep saying I don’t care about her and then said not if she’s like I do care how can I say that I don’t I do care if she’s a girl and I’m scared I’m being mean about my guy like he is I don’t want to I said massively more than that more tractive I don’t wanna more muscular guy I don’t care about her I don’t care that I don’t care about her eye care that she’s a girl that’s why I don’t like her but now I keep amenity her shirtless and I’m afraid that you’re really weird like I’m not sure how I feel like she is so she’s not stupid I said I would I I wouldn’t go for her I keep imagining her naked and I genuinely don’t know how I feel I said I would I wouldn’t go I said she wouldn’t and I’ve know what women look like having sex I wouldn’t go by for anyone so why did I say I don’t care if she’s a girl and I said don’t I care and then I insisted I care if she is she’s not hot and I feel weird physically I don’t know how I feel I can’t stop and I feel weird like I know I don’t want those big round heavy boobs and now I act like but I I said I do I don’t care it’s not that I do I don’t care and I act like but I don’t like I’m scared I’m scared I don’t want those suckers in my mouth I don’t want this I can’t stop thinking of a shirt looks like she’s so but I don’t like it and now I’m scared I am I don’t want to start I keeps and can’t help it like I do I don’t wanna see it I’m scared to do I don’t I keep calling them and I must be an act like I don’t want them in mind I’m scared it I don’t want them in my mouth it’s not attractive I don’t want them in my head I don’t want boobs I don’t like girls I don’t wanna be here anymore I don’t care about her not if it’s a girl if it’s a girl I don’t care about her not if it’s a girl! I would not go bisexual for anyone let alone her

Having an extremely hard time today. The holidays are normally the happiest time of the year for me, but with my first OCD flare up going on about two months now, I am dreading every moment of every day. I feel like I am lying to myself and everyone around me about my sexuality and have spent every second of everyday ruminating over past experiences that prove that I’m gay—even though the thought of being gay makes me sick. I have a meeting with my therapist tomorrow and know it will help to talk with her because I have not told anyone about my intrusive thoughts because they are so shameful, but I am just so terrified that these thoughts could ever actually be true that I feel sick with anxiety every single day. This is becoming too much to bear and I am starting to worry that, if I am having these thoughts, they must be true. I feel numb to everyone and everything around me and am so scared that this feeling is going to last forever and that I will never feel happy like I used to when I did not doubt myself so much.

I hate saying the guy that I want is not grown enough when I don’t want girls and I said I keep acting I’m so sorry I keep acting weird with a smile and then I said more than he’s not girly and then said girly enough when he’s not girly at all and I don’t want them to be girly and I’m scared! I felt funny over a much bigger more muscular guy and I’m scared I don’t want to start feeling attraction any other guy let alone any other body type I’ve never liked big muscular dude and I feel funny I don’t want to find any other man attractive especially not a bulky like bodybuilder guy and I’m scared I feel funny and I’m smiling like I am I’m not bisexual I’m not adding a team and I don’t want to find muscular bodybuilders attractive I’m scared because the ones I looked up on Google gross but I’m scared this one isn’t I feel funny I don’t want to open up to more guys or other men no matter how hopeless my situation with my guy is because he doesn’t know me but I’ve been in love with him for a long time and I don’t wanna talk about it in more detail than that but I’m scared I really feel funny like I do because the video I saw was that the guy the muscular guy I’m scared I like all kinds I don’t want to like all kinds I just want my guy but the muscular guy was having some kind of competition I think it was from England because I had accents I keep saying he’s cute I don’t want muscular guys to be cute and I’m not trying to be mean but he was hanging on a bar and I guess it was a competition to see how long he could hang there and he was really muscular and to keep feeling funny my stomach saying he’s he’s not cute I don’t want him to be! I don’t want my guy to go away and when I look at pictures of my guy I’m scared I’m not reacting like I used to know I’m scared it’s getting replaced like I’ve always battled like maybe he is but he’s not too skinny I love my guy he’s gotten in shape now but I would love him no matter what like I’ve seen him at his worst and I still wanted to do him lol not just do him but I’m trying to be lighthearted. But now I’m scared him I don’t want to move on to bigger and I keep saying that but it’s never been better to me before I don’t want bigger more muscular guys and I keeps acting like I’m adding when I don’t want boobs I’m not bisexual I’m not in the middle I’m scared I felt weird and funny and did a weird kind of like gesture with my mouth but I don’t want vagina or clitoris I don’t want I keep acting like but it’s not sucks I don’t want the vaginal canal and I’m scared the muscle guy pushed out my guy I don’t want the muscle guy I want my guy and I’m fine he really is and I felt super funny my stomach and remembering the more muscular arms I don’t want any guy to be more tractive than mine I don’t wanna move on and I’m scared it’s a sign I don’t want to move on I really don’t want a more muscular guy but I’m scared I feel funny I’m smiling and feeling funny my stomach like this guy he’s not special I’m scared he is currently ask and he’s not I’m scared I am I’m not moving on my guy is not a toothache especially not anymore and it doesn’t matter I want my God I want him to come back I don’t want the bigger muscular guy to push them out I’m scared to sign like not but my guys the guy from you no matter what happens in that scenario I don’t want another person I’m smiling I’m scared I should I don’t want to move onto muscles I’m scared I’ve always wanted that because I criticize my guys so much even though I don’t intend to but I’m OK I just can’t stand it! I looked at much more muscular guys in the dude I looked at in skies that are similar to the guy that I looked at you know the one hanging from the bar in the competition I’m scared I said the sexy he’s not a sexy when I keep feeling funny I don’t want another guy

I had this thing happen to me last night and posted about it but got no replies im just gonna post it again, if anyone is willing to see and talk to me about it pls Its currently 5 am, I was going through a bad anxiety attack, went to the bathroom to get cleaned up and get ready for morning prayers, anyways I started googling about my previous experiences (pre ocd) that caused me anxiety back then and the memories that are serving as proof that I am these thoughts. Quick 20 mins of search and reading into different things about why I felt what I felt, I had bit of a clarity, just a sliver of it , something i havent felt in almost 12-14 months and I felt like I am not trans, I am a man and my anxiety dissipated when I came out of the bathroom. I felt so light and this boost of energy for a few seconds and I was getting these future visions of good things happening. I just got done with my prayers and laid in my bed to type this post, it went away, that feeling, Im doubting it really bad again and think that was just a mistake and getting confusions and proof in my head again and I know I actually im trans, smh. I might actually call the therapist tommorow, I dont feel like doing it bc I think I am these thoughts but Im going to call him regardless bc its kind of ridiculous to think that I went 20 plus years liking only the opposite sex and never doubting my gender. Even though the proof that I got it all wrong makes complete sense to me in my head, I think I will give him a call. Ahh and as I finish writing this, the shitty feelings are back again. Sorry this turned out be a long post, fuck, now i think this whole post was a mistake, Im going to post it regardless before I delete it. Fuck

So this isn’t OCD related at all I just need to vent and this community is very helpful that maybe someone will relate or help in a way I guess. Work has sucked lately. I’ve had a crush on my guy best friend for the longest time and he just recently got out of a bad relationship. My girl best friend was in a relationship and then recently they mutually decided to go on a “break”. She knew I had a crush on my guy best friend and even when they were both in relationships they would flirt with each other but he told me a long time ago it meant nothing they were just playing around. So I found out yesterday that they were flirting hard core when I was off work Friday last week and he called her “babe” and was all over each other and one of my friends who is a guy and is best friends with him told me that one night he stayed over at his house and admitted that my guy best friend and my girl best friend have been sexting each other when she told me she would never do that to me because she knew I liked him and he told me he wasn’t going to get with her because he is close friends with her now on a “break” ex boyfriend and it was off limits because he didn’t want to break the “bro code” or whatever it’s called. I was in a group chat with them and a couple other friends of mine and I left the group chat because I don’t want anything to do with either of them. I don’t even want to be “best friends” anymore with either of them. I feel betrayed in a way. I wish they could of just been honest with me but I had to find out from 2 of my other friends who already knew. Apparently I was the only one who didn’t know. They should of told me. I even told my guy best friend if you end up with someone cool just don’t let it get in between our friendship because I knew if he got with her that it was going to cause a problem between all of our friendships and unfortunately I work with all of them. When I left the group chat today one of my other friends that was in the group told me and showed me a message my so called best friend sent her saying that I needed to grow the f up. I’m sorry? You both were supposed to be my friends? Best friends! And you put you both in a situation where you would lose me. I told myself the other day if they ended up together I would distance myself or cut ties. I feel so stupid. I thought they were my friends. My guy best friend knew too that I liked him and made it quite clear that he didn’t like me that he liked her more because she’s willing to give what I can’t because I’m waiting for marriage. I genuinely liked him. I wasn’t in it for that. I wanted to be with him. I thought maybe if he took some time to focus on himself maybe then something could happen but then he goes after my best friend. I feel insecure, hurt, and stupid. I’m so sorry I just really needed to vent and talk this out because it fing hurts. I feel like I’ve lost 2 really close friends today and I value my friendships. Apparently they don’t. Maybe I’m overreacting my other friends think that I’m not that they are the ones that need to grow up but I can’t help but feel bad because I feel like because she said I need to grow the f up that maybe I’m the problem

Happy Monday everyone ♥️ wanted to share something that came from a conversation with my therapist last week. It’s really helped me notice when I’m starting ruminate much sooner, so hope it helps someone else too. ‘When you’re stuck deciding what to do, your nervous system is already activated, instead of deciding, get grounded and return to the things you enjoy’ Anyone else have any helpful things they’ve picked up in the last week they would like to share? We’ve got this ♥️♥️

Does anybody wants to talk about something ? I’m open to

I was excited bout getting help when I went to Vanderbilt behavioral health I called them twice to make sure I could come down me get admitted i had a hard time packing cause my apartment feels contaminated to me cause bug spray was sprayed on majority of my carpet and cause I can’t let me stuff touch and it has to be packed individually so I decided not to pack I always have a hard time going threw admissions cause they gotta touch my clothes and they gotta go threw my stuff and it tramatizes me cause there touching everything and all my stuffs touching and then I can’t tell them wat I’m going threw cause they don’t understand ocd they suggest putting gloves on to touch my stuff if it was that fucking simple I wouldn’t need help ocd is irrational there is no logical way of doing stuff if gloves helped I’d be fucking wearing them and I would’ve suggested it anyone wit ocd understands that if they’ve tried to find ways of doing stuff easier they always try to find a way to make there ocd habits easier they think of everything but I came to the psychiatric hospital at 10 30 they closed at 11 and noone was there so they told us to go to the emergency room there and I’d be admitted threw there so I go in and get everything done I’m waiting we get into a room and round 3 I do my over the computer meeting wit the psychiatrist ppl and get told they don’t have any beds that they’d move me upstairs into my own room so I could rest instead of being in the loud emergency room so I staid up while my bf laid down then round 4 o’clock noone came so I laid down and woke up at 8 still nothing I asked when I’d be moved upstairs so I could rest they told me they don’t take ppl upstairs they don’t even no wat someone would tell me that for so I’m tired and hungry and decide to leave freaking out that all I wanted was help I even maid sure I called and asked every question so I new I could get this done but my bf decides to drive me back to the psychiatrist part and tlk to them to tell them I need help that we’ve been in the emergency room since 10 yesterday they told him to bring me in that I could lay down I just had to tlk to some ppl and that my bf could stay wit me then the nurse comes tells me they have no beds I won’t be able to go to bed there and my bf come back wit me to tlk to the doctor wit me they maid it almost impossible for me to leave but we finally were able to and our in a hotel I’m glad we’ve came to Nashville previously and new a nice cheap hotel and they allowed us to check in early im so greatfull for the ppl here that let us check in early I had to go in the negative for this room but I’m on a wierd schedule I’m up till 4 in the morning trying to stay up late to hang on to every less frustrating moment of the day that I deal wit ocd I wanna stay up and be on my phone and have parts of the day we’re I’m not cleaning and doing rituals and I don’t get up till round 3 so I’ve had 4 hours of rest if that I already have problems at nite and now that this guy sprayed bug spray in my apartment I have extreme nite terrors I literally thought I had a seizure the other nite cause I woke up and I swear my hole entire body was shakeing when I googled it it had that it could’ve been extreme nite terrors and I did all this to go to a hospital that doesn’t specialize in ocd that I new wouldn’t be able to actually help that but atleast could’ve got me on medicine and helped me relax in the hospital to feel better for a few days and maybe help call places for me that help wit ocd so I could go there cause I’ve been calling everywere the past 2 weeks to get someone who specializes in ocd and there’s none in Tennessee and nowere takes my insurance I’ve always tried getting help I’ve been to hospitals I’ve seen therapists I’ve seen doctors noones ever understood the severity of my ocd noone was ever treating my ocd I go threw admissions traumatized and the nurses don’t get it I’m left in a room dealing wit the repercussions of wat I went threw like cleaning off everything they touched and when they strip search me I have to take my clothes off and on like a normal person and take my hair down and put it back up like a normal person but I have rituals and certain ways of dressing and undressing and takeing down and putting my hair up so I sit in my room redoing those Actions the way I want to cause I’ve been doing this for 15 years it’s hard to just stop doing all these things all at once but do you think anyone checked up on me do you think anyone cared that I was panicking to wear they gave me kolonopins as soon as I wlk in the door they didn’t care cause I seem normal but I have ocd and the stuff ppl wit ocd go threw is real and when we can’t do a certain thing we feel we need to do it feels like we’re slowly dieing takeing everything from you and expecting you to just stop all these things all at once should be illegal but they don’t understand the pain it causes cause they don’t understand ocd but fuck you to any place that doesn’t accept medicaid fuck everyone who has looked at me and tlk shit to me cause of my ocd bothering them my ocd is fucking real I’ve been doing this for 15 years by myself not told a ducking sole till a couple weeks ago and I try confideing to them and tell them my ocd so they can understand if I tell them I can’t do something I really can’t do they can stop being so mean to me when I tell them I stay up late to hold onto every minute of not so much ocd cause as soon as I open my eyes it’s ocd and all the rituals I have to get done today i also have anxiety and depression and if I’m tired my ocd is way worse I need rest so I can be focused when I trying to focus washing my hands and not touching the sink my eyes need to be sharp I’m done though I’ve got 15 years begging for help trying to tlk to my bf and family trying to help them understand me trying to get the care I need trying to get better so I can love a better life but fuck it I’m gonna get some rest and spend some time alone I’m done wit this though.

Really struggling at the moment with sexuality OCD, getting to the point where I’m constantly on the verge of tears, I’m avoiding watching movies, Netflix series, scrolling through Instagram and tiktok. I’m 18 and everyone around me seems to be bi, but I’m so scared I’m not attracted to guys anymore. I want children and I have always wanted to be with a guy, now I can barely look at anyone and I can’t even think about being in a relationship. My brain is like ‘your lying to yourself’ ‘what if your gay’ etc. I can’t do anything anymore, I just want to hide and curl up. Anyone else feel like this.. I’m scared I’m in denial or something, I have never been formally diagnosed but I’ve had so many other themes, I’m scared it’s not ocd and I’m using it as an excuse.. I just want to go back to normal

So I completed treatment on December 7th. I am so proud of myself. I want to share my story more publicly and be an OCD advocate. I eventually want to become an OCD therapist, so I think this would be a good next step. But I have a question How do I become a peer advocate on this site? Is it something I have to apply for? Second, I feel a lot of shame and guilt as a result of some of the intrusive thoughts I have had in the past, especially the ones related to harm and suicide OCD? Any ideas on how to overcome that?

I would like some advice about false memories. I’m struggling to reason with myself and I can’t afford a therapist

I’m at the hospital in Nashville I have contamination ocd but wit items that aren’t dirty like my deodorant can’t touch my qtips and anything else cause then I think the deodorants on the item it touched I also feel this way bout laundry detergent so when I wash my clothes at the laundry mat I have to wash my hands when I open the doors cause other ppl there touch there laundry detergent bottle then touch the handle so I think the laundry detergent is on the handle I have to by a new laundry bag everytime cause it’s clean I have to hold it wit 1 hand then take mt clothes out witout them touching anything then take them home wash my hands open the bag wash my hands again then open my individual clothes bags I have cause I can’t use a dresser and hang up clothes they have to be in something that closes and carefully put mt clothes in the bags witout them touching anything I also have a plastic tote bag for my dirty clothes I keep mt deodorant qtips and face pads on a shelf none can touch eachother and I need to use all 3 of those during my dressing rituals and when I put on deodorant clean my ears and clean my face put on makeup wash my hair and body it’s all done a certain way like top to bottom left to rite counting them all in like a grid in my mind and when I wash my hair I have to put my hair products in none can touch them I brush it and blow dry it and have to put my hair up even if I straighten it I have to put it up first then take it down to straighten it I always have to wash my hands when I touch any kind of container my ocd makes me think is contaminated but not in a dirt and germs way I can’t use certain products like serums under eye patches dark circle stuff I can’t use certain brands of stuff I can’t wear certain colors I can’t txt certain words I have to take 2 pictures of something and watch the video twice to send it I can’t do alot on social media I can’t eat at certain restaurants my ocd makes me think I can’t do these things some are cause something happened and it makes me think those things will happen if I do some of these things my ocd makes me scared of i wear my bras in order I wear my clothes a certain way I can’t wear certain clothes together I get nervous when positive things happen in my life I always feel like I don’t deserve it and it makes it hard for me to enjoy these positive things that happen I’ve been on ssi for awhile now I’m 29 I have 4 kids that my mom has to take care of cause I left my husband and couldn’t do it by myself and my ocd is to debilitating to even be able to take care of them it’s been extremely hard I’ve told ppl I’m miserable that I have ocd and they just can’t seem to help cause I appear normal I need help and I just hope someone can speak up for me and get me into an ocd residential facility I need an ocd therapist I need to get better I want to live a better life get help shortening rituals to were there completely gone atleast almost non existent help me to be able to keep containers together be able to just pack a bag and leave my hygiene stuff out not have to clean everything off and leave them in a clean space I’m desperate.

I can’t remember how long ago I posted but I’d really appreciate it if I could talk about something with someone, please? 🥺🙏🏻

TW POCD and Real Event OCD I’m so scared of the past and the what if’s. I’m scared to death of what if the mistake I made a few years ago puts me in the same category as a really bad person like a p or a criminal or something like that which I truly hope it’s not true. I would do anything to go back and change everything knowing what I know now. How could I have been so stupid back then!? Ugh what am I going to do?! I’m terrified! It’s haunting me. I feel like my past is suffocating me. I just don’t know and it frustrates me because I don’t think I will ever know. I just want someone to tell me I’m not but I don’t think it matters at this point. I’m always going to be haunted by my stupid choices in the past when I was a teenager when will I ever let this go 💔

I’m going wit my bf down to a mental hospital there not really for ocd just a regular mental hospital and I no they can’t really help all my ocd problems but I’m so depressed from my ocd and not taking care of myself and haveing really high anxiety I just feel hopeless so I no I need to get somewere and get medication and be safe for a few days away from my apartment I have a really nice apartment we just moved to but they sprayed our brand new carpets wit bug spray and I’ve just been extremely upset since I feel everything’s contaminated I don’t want stuff touching the carpet which has been hard since there’s alot of carpet in here but it’s not the just the carpet it’s affecting other parts of my life and ocd and makeing other things hard I need help but going threw admissions we’re there touch your stuff and make you undress and take your hair down is all hard for me cause I have to do those things a certain way and wash my hands prior to just takeing my hair down but they don’t understand the at in the hospital so I just have to do it then go in my room and wash my hands and redo it all the way I’ve been doing it for 15 years so I can’t just stop all these things rite away but they see me as not cooperating when I tell them I have ocd and it’s just hard for me to do so I’m going there witout anything so they don’t have to touch my stuff which isn’t fair I wish I could just get help.

Let me tell you about the last two years I’ve had and maybe it will make sense to me through telling you, why my ocd came back. Let me start by saying I’ve moved 5 times in the past 2 years and I’ve gone from London to Glasgow. After quitting a finance job which I hated, and being cheated on by a long term partner who I dumped, I started working and studying as an artist. This was my dream. Lockdown happened soon after and the studio I was with went bankrupt. I begun to finally open up in therapy about my childhood and the abuse I suffered. I made good progress with this and have grown. I caught covid in the first wave however and it destroyed my health. So I spent a lot of time building up my strength and actually got very into bodybuilding. Unfortunately the woman I fell in love with through my art turned out to be married though. I hasn’t understood at first and I loved her with everything I had. She told me her husband abused her and that she was leaving him. So I took her in and looked after her. One day she left me, with no explanation, but I later found out she’d gone back to him for money. I have never felt more betrayed or used but I was naive. Two days after this happened, last July, my cousin who is also my best friend told me he couldn’t afford the rent. He said we’d look for somewhere together. I then found out he had signed a house with some friends and didn’t know how to tell me. Nothing malicious just a bit cowardly and didn’t give me a chance. I was left without my partner and best friend and with no studio or place to live. So heartbroken, I took on a family job and moved to Scotland but carried on art part time. I went from hard earned post-covid fitness and became an alcoholic though, and addicted to smoking on 40 a day. I ended up with kidney stones and a stomach ulcer. Then my dog nearly died! Had to have an operation that cost 10,000 pounds! He pulled through thankfully. After sleeping around which is really unlike me I fell into a relationship with someone who seemed really stable and I tried to get my act together. Then another lockdown happened and we spent more time together. She ended up being abusive and demeaned me constantly. On two occasions she hit me during sex without consent. I left her after a short time. At this time my mum became very ill with pancreatitis. She nearly died and I wasn’t allowed to visit her. I had to look into her frightened eyes on FaceTime. I felt responsible because i’d told her that I’d been sexually abused as a child only months earlier. Unfortunately it was her mistake which had allowed the predator to attack me and I’d hid it for 24 years from my family out of shame. This is when ocd struck hard! Constant doubt, fears of betrayal, imagined situations and compulsions to try and protect myself. I’ve been clean from alcohol and smoking for 8 months. I found an ocd therapist and have been working hard. I met a wonderful partner who recently moved in with me. I have moved from partner to partner but I think some people are like that. I just like being in a relationship and I want to find the right person. I know think I have. She’s very sweet, and kind and supportive of my Ocd. Things have been hard at times. She has MS, and a week after she moved in, her mum nearly died of covid and was in a respirator for a month. She luckily pulled through with a 1 in 2 chance. This all triggered her MS which had been in remission. I have been acting as her carer while trying to recover from ocd. Some of my ocd has been around betrayal and cheating, so it’s been hard work to separate this from the relationship and see it in the context of trauma and abuse. To top it off the covid backlog caused a delay in her lifesaving medication so I went to our mp and the ceo of our health board to get her immediate access. It was a hard battle but we won and it’s saved her life. All that pressure was on me because I knew I could help and I love her. I have just had the biggest ocd episode today that’s lasted 7 hours of repeated checking and I’m completely lost. But really I think I’m doing alright considering. It’s no surprise my Ocd came back and to even to begin to be in recovery after the time I’ve had, and to have had a few good weeks, to be able to support someone in a relationship and to experience love, I think I’m one strong, resilient motherfucker. Fuck 2021. Fuck depression. Fuck Ocd. If I can survive that, I can survive anything. I love myself just for still being here when it would have been so much easier not to. But I won’t give up. Ever. And one day soon the tide will change in my favour and I hope that these tests have given me the strength to make the most of a good life.

TW* The physical symptoms of anxiety and depression are devastating me man, its so hard to do anything. This is really happening, first my hocd thoughts come true and now Im trans. Thinking about coming out is tiving me so much anxiety and fear this surely means I am that thing. It feels like I never really understood what love meant and and how relationships worked and I was just following what people around me wered doing ie chasing girls which is why I wanted gf and liked girls, even my sexual attraction to them Ive told myself was fake and not real and true. My whole life, every interaction pretty much seems/serves as a big proof that im gay/trans. I dont know what to do. I feel really ill. Something that made genuienly depressed me yesterday was that my mother is having trouble with my dad and i told her stop bothering with him and leave him be she said " I want to leave him for real and If i can be strong for her and my little brother that is all i want, we're in America, there is so many opportunitues". I fucking hated hearing those words from her, I cant take care of myself one bit, how am I going to give her and my little bro a good life. I wish she could just forget that I exist, so I can deal with this fucking shitshow of a life in peace or better yet just Kms.